I don’t know what the hell is on the floor in that picture, but it’s giving me a major craving for string cheese (“What else is new?” just hissed my stomach).
Gwyneth Paltrow Instagrammed this picture of Jennifer Lopez, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus, Scarlett Johansson, and Amy Adams sitting in the front row of Tom Ford’s FW15 womenswear show in Los Angeles last night, and it was literally only 1/856th of the famous types that were there. Everybody was there. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Beyonce? YES. Angelica Huston? YES. Gina Gershon? HELL YES. My great aunt Gladys? PROBABLY. I haven’t asked her yet, but I’m assuming she was there, since everybody was there. It was like the Oscars and the Grammys and the Emmys and the CableACE Awards got together in the backseat of a 1994 Ford Tempo and made a random fluids baby.
I don’t know what Tom Ford did to get that many famous types at his fashion show, but it must have involved promising to wash their cars for a year or “take care” of their enemies and make it look like an accident or something, because people that I haven’t seen in forever showed up. Faith Hill was there. When is the last time you saw Faith Hill at something? Robbie Williams. ROBBIE WILLIAMS! I’m sure if the dog from Fraiser hadn’t died 9 years ago, he would have been there too.
And I know Kanye West thinks he’s a legitimate fashion designer now, but he needs to realize that you haven’t made it until Cristal Connors from Showgirls shows up to your show. Until then, you’re still a nobody (sorry Kanye). Here’s a bunch of famous people from Tom Ford’s show last night, including the living life legend herself Gina Gershon, Goopy, Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, and John Legend wearing a Canadian Tuxedo for some reason:
When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.
Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.
In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.
Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:
And now in “It’s not wrong, but it’s not right” news, Fergie – a name I’ll always associate with eyebrow piercings, Von Dutch trucker hats, and those ruffled striped mini skirts – admitted to Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately Thursday night that her 11-month son Axl Duhamel is really into French kissing right now, but he’s not practicing his skills on a Playskool Glow Worm like all his other baby friends. Fergie says he’s Frenching on her, and she loves it:
“My son likes to French kiss me a lot. It’s so delicious! He goes in for the kill, but I’ll have to cut that off at a certain age, or else it’ll be weird, a little bit Oediupus.”
Cut to Stephanie Seymour throwing a “Speak for yourself, bitch” side-eye.
Obviously Axl doesn’t know what he’s doing is borderline not-right, because he’s a baby, and babies love to stick their tongues in everything, but I’d be worried about him swallowing excessive amounts of lipstick. Fergie has a face that was built for a trowel and a two-ton tub of spackle, and her mouth is always coated in a thick layer of lead-based paint. No doubt Baby Axl tongues his mama’s alkyd-coated mouth and gets that same dizzy googly-eyed feeling you get when you accidentally sniff too much nail polish, and spends the rest of nap time chasing the Dragon Tales dragons.
But maybe Axl isn’t trying to French kiss her at all; maybe he’s actually searching for leftover tidbits of meth! Axl, no! It’s not worth it! You’re too cute to show up on one of those “Baby Faces of Meth” mug shot collections!
After being knocked up for what felt like 9 years, Stacy Ferguson from Kids Incorporated checked into a hospital in L.A. this morning and gave birth to a baby. A spokeswhore for Fergie and Josh Duhamel tell People that she had a son via C-section this morning. Their newborn son is only five seconds old, but I bet he’s already mastered the art of eye rolling since I’m sure some doctor made a “lady lumps” joke in the delivery room.
Fergie and Josh’s son weighed in at 7lbs and 10 oz. No, they didn’t pay tribute to meth by naming him Walter White Duhamel. They named him Axl Jack Duhamel instead.
Axl Jack isn’t the worst name. Yes, he’ll never stop hearing “Sweet Child ‘O Mine” jokes and Axl Jack sounds like something straight out of a frat boy nickname generator, but it could’ve been worse. There are worse things that Axl Jack will have to deal with besides his name like listening to Black Eyed Peas songs all the time and having will.i.cant for an uncle.
Next to video of a train derailing before crashing into the side of a building, this picture is the best visual definition of the current state of Lindsay Lohan’s life. The people of São Paulo have been told to triple lock their bottles of booze and hide their valuables under bars of soap (she’ll never look there), which means that Lindsay Lohan is in town. LiLo is currently in Brazil to collect a six figure check for promoting a clothing line called John John. TMZ posted this picture from Twitterer @orgastic-desire of LiLo mingling with the cigarette butts and other pieces of trash while hiding under the DJ table at a club. Mess.
TMZ says that LiLo was at the club for hours and when a bunch of people started asking her to take pictures with them, she refused and hid from them under the table.
Everybody should leave Lindsay Lohan alone. After a long, hard day of snatching bracelets and snorting mini bottles of vodka on a plane ride to Brazil, you too would want to take a quick, early morning disco nap on a comfortable concrete floor under a table at a club. Sometimes a mess just needs a quiet moment to herself to get her thoughts together (aka snort a line of the bad shit) in peace while sitting on a dried puddle of whiskey. A dried puddle of whiskey that probably has Syphilis now.
But really, who hasn’t been there? If you replace that club with a suburban backyard, replace that black table with a plastic white lawn table from KMart, replace those stolen Louboutins with dollar store flip-flops and replace that glass of vodka masquerading as water with a cup of white wine and Mountain Dew, that’ll be me this weekend!
Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.
Usually when Kristen Stewart’s hands are covered in slime, it’s because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer’s butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green’s slime got some THC in it.
Here’s a few more pictures from yesterday’s KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop’s colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.