Do I need to write anything more? Simply seeing that Lindsay Lohan was present in attendance should be all the evidence you need that the MTV European Music Awards were a very high-end event. The MTV EMAs were held last night in Spain, and it’s got to be a big, important night if it’s able to drag Lindsay Lohan away from her various Greek beach clubs. But of course Lindsay was there. You can’t think of the word Europe without thinking of Lindsay Lohan. That’s because she’s tried on pretty much every accent found in Europe at one time or another. As for her dress, she looks like a Eurodisco groupie named Svetlana who can’t stay long, because she’s got to pick up her pet serval from DJ Lazer Anus (they share custody).
I’ve seen the original Suspiria from 1977 exactly one time, and now I’m officially scared of ballet, stained glass windows, loose piles of razor wire, and the prog-rock band Goblin. The remake starring Dakota Johnson comes out in theaters tomorrow, and the Los Angeles premiere was held last night in Hollywood. Luckily, the red carpet wasn’t nearly as terrifying as I was imagining it might be. Well, unless you count Dakota Johnson in a sequined second choice from the Dynasty wardrobe department as terrifying.
Pricess Eugenie (AKA “Princess Who?-genie” to non-royal watchers) got married to her commoner/kissing cousin Jack Brooksbank two days ago. Unlike us normal folk who have a shorter wait at the DMV than the time it takes for us to get our wedding photo contact sheets back, the latest Royal Family wedding portraits have already been released. Eugenie may only be 9th in line to the throne, but nevertheless, her photos arrived lightening speed and here they are for our inspection, so get out your magnifying glasses and let’s get to inspecting!
The American Music Awards doesn’t have the respectability of the Grammys or the pizazz of the MTV VMAs, but it’s got…well, it’s got a pointy award and people that show up, and that’s all you really need for a music award show. As such, guests still put in some effort for the red carpet. Post Malone’s hair is still a mess and he’s got those “Yes I’ve been slowly picking off my Shellac manicure” nails, but he also came through with a bedazzled belt buckle and nudie suit made by Union Western Clothing featuring his initials and several snakes. I guess he didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift had the whole snake thing locked down last night. Oh well, it still pulled his whole look together. That is, if he was going for a look that tells people he’s a very successful businessman who sells snakes at an Alabama swap meet.
It’s a bit redundant to say so, because aren’t all award shows just an excuse for fashion houses to clean out their local Fabric Barn and send a famous person down the carpet in more material than a 1980s canopy bed set? But the Emmys did see a lot of by-the-yardage last night, like on Jessica Biel, who said yes to a white Ralph & Russo dress. If you think Jessica and Justin Timberlake look like they stopped by the Emmys on their way to appearing on the top of a wedding cake, you’re not the only one.
After Aretha Franklin’s eight-hour-long funeral service yesterday, I assumed that the post-funeral highlights would be a plethora of Bill Clinton oogling Ariana Grande memes, but the real take away is nowhere near as fun as that. Bishop Charles H. Ellis III, who officiated the service in Detroit, is catching some serious heat for his groping of Ariana at the podium and joking about her name being a Taco Bell item, and has been forced to issued an apology.