Category: Farrah Abraham

Backdoor Farrah Is Stripping In The Name Of Research!

August 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Christian author, reality trash, porn trick, yogurt maker, mother of every year and rubber asshole mogul Farrah Abraham is now shaking her concrete ball tits for dollars at the Palazio Gentlemen’s Club in Austin, TX. E! News says that Backdoor Farrah started out as a cocktail waitress, but that lasted for about six seconds when she realized she could make more money stripping. If Farrah dances like she screws, then she probably moves like a sloth on Ambien, and since men would definitely throw money at a sloth on Ambien if it showed them its tits, she’s making a lot of money. But Backdoor Farrah wouldn’t be Backdoor Farrah if she didn’t reach into a bull’s dirty ass and pull out a bullshit excuse for why she’s stripping. Surprisingly, Backdoor Farrah didn’t say that she lives at the Palazio and she can’t believe that a bunch of strange men are violating her by throwing money at her while she dances naked in the privacy of her own home. Instead, Farrah said that she’s doing research just like Jennifer Aniston. That’s your cue to go to your refrigerator, get out a giant plastic tub of whipped Bitch, Please, scoop a spoonful out and prepare to fling it at this mess with butt plug dust for brains.

“I’m doing research. A friend of mine works there and I’m researching. I’ve been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman’s club, including cocktailing and dancing. There’s management and there’s cooking too. It’s job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that’s what I’m doing. It’s how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I’m not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I’m interested in hearing all the women’s stories. And while I’m doing it, I’m getting paid. I’m getting paid to play a role and get informed.”

That’s a good line actually. The next time you get caught by the police sucking dick under the bridge (which I know happens to you all the time), just tell them, “Officer, I’m doing research for a book I’m writing about sucking dick under bridges.” The next time my mom throws me a cold judgmental side-eye for smelling like weed, I’ll tell her that I’m just doing research for the role of a nonsensical stoned blogger that I “play” 24 hours a day.

But really, Farrah’s daughter is probably wondering when she’s going to do research for her book about how to be a good mom by actually being a good mom. No! Farrah’s daughter doesn’t care. She’s busy doing her own thing.

Pic: Getty

You Can Now Buy Rubber Molds Of Backdoor Farrah’s Down Low Parts

July 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Last year, some of us were rushed to the ER for third degree burns to our ear tunnels when we poured hot Clorox into our ear holes hoping to cleanse our brains of the image of Backdoor Farrah getting her cooze and b-hole molded. Well, call the ER and tell them to get that burn kit ready again, because hot Clorox might make another appearance in your ear holes thanks to these pictures of Backdoor Farrah posing with rubber molds of her twat and ass at the launch party for her line of sex toys at 340 restaurant & nightclub in Pomona, CA on Saturday night. (Dear Pomona, CA, How could you take part in this foolery? I thought I knew you! Actually, I do know you, which is why I shouldn’t be surprised by this.)

Z-list porn star, mother of the century, Christian author and frozen yogurt mogul Farrah Abraham shoved her Nerf ball chichis into The Slut Dress’ sluttier second cousin and a stuck a pair of factory-defected polyester clip-on bangs into her hair to show off the rubber mold of the pussy that got her 15 seconds of fame after she pulled a baby out of it and got her another 15 seconds of fame when James Deen stuck his semi-soft peen in it. The words “NOT TRUE TO THE REAL THING” should be on the box of Backdoor Farrah’s rubber box, because when I watched her porn and stared deep into her wide set vagina, I swear I saw a senator’s daughter clutching onto a bottle of lotion. I didn’t see that in the rubber mold of Farrah’s poon. Farrah should sue. Actually, she’ll probably sue anyway after she claims that the sex toys were supposed to be used for her personal use only and she feels violated that they were released to the public without her permission!

Here’s Backdoor Farrah delivering massive amounts of class, grace and sophistication while showing off the rubber molds of her b-hole and v-hole. Being the entrepreneur that she is, I’m sure she’ll do a cross promotion with Froco and soon you’ll be able to buy a mold of her rubber vagina that squirts out frozen yogurt. And it’s your lucky day if your wet dream fantasies involve a Muppet pony licking on a rubber snatch.

Pics: Splash

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Backdoor Farrah Is Opening Up A Yogurt Store In Austin, TX And Its Website Has Already Been Hacked

July 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Because Farrah Abraham is an entrepreneurial genius who knows that most people said to themselves, “Hmmm, I could really go for some creamy yogurt right now,” while watching her squirt in her porn, she’s opening up a frozen yogurt place in Austin, TX this October. Backdoor Farrah calls Froco Fresh Frozen a “brand new concept” and since she has dingles for brains, a “brand new concept” to her is a place that sells frozen yogurt and other frozen foods. Froco’s mascot is a terrifying “popping boba” named Coba and Backdoor Farrah probably got the idea for it while watching a string of anal beads go in and out of her b-hole. That’s how Coba the Anal Bead was born!

Backdoor Farrah tells Starcasm that she came up with the concept of Froco (she should’ve called it “Stinkberry“) all by herself. Froco will sell fresh and frozen cuisines in a family atmosphere. Farrah really is a culinary mastermind, because I’ve never heard of a place that sells both fresh AND frozen foods. I’ve never heard of something called a fucking grocery store. The about section of Froco’s website (which I’ll get into in a second) obviously came from the shit-filled mind of Farrah, because it is equal parts frozen delusion and nonsense, and it reads like it was written by a dried ball of poop cum:

The founder of Froco, was set to open a restaurant concept when the now first location and property of Froco was available. Instead of going with the first planned restaurant concept the founder had a better feeling about Froco. There was a lot to be completed with an unplanned great concept, so the founder of Froco thought about the possibilities to buy into another franchise of the similar sort but then realizing after being excepted to the other growing franchises of the similar sort that their values, their brands weren’t as great as what the founder could live up too. So with passion and positivity the founder wanted feedback on her Froco idea. After asking others in salons, playgrounds, stores, and just everywhere the founder was set on Froco and the mascot being Coba the popping boba! …

The founder felt strongly compelled to include Greek yogurt in to as many of the food products at Froco as possible which are found in certain flavors of frozen yogurt and all the freshly made to go food items. The founder after moving to Texas at the age of 22 right before the creation of Froco was told by her doctor to better her health with plain Greek yogurt. Being the foodie that the founder is, the founder put Greek yogurt in everything – sandwiches, pastas, salads, wraps, sushi, desserts and the founder was happy to taste better enhancement of flavors with the Greek yogurt in all the food options. The founder found the balance of taste, health, and quality and wanted to bring this to everyone’s lifestyle all year round. …

The founder Farrah Abraham is recognized nationally for her success in entertainment as well being a wonderful mother to her daughter Sophia who at age 5 has helped every step of the way in creating a lovable, positive, passionate and educational mascot for Froco, “Coba” The popping boba, who you may put on your frozen yogurt and feel a pop of passion and positivity every time you visit Froco.

You know, Backdoor Farrah opening up a gourmet emporium that sells yogurt and bubble tea makes sense. I mean, Greek yogurt is a yeast infection remedy (you know that’s why her doctor told her about it) and boba pearls can be used as disintegrating anal beads.

And as for the website (via Uproxx), this morning, a hacker doing God’s work hacked it and on the front page they put a GIF of James Deen backdooring Farrah. Here’s the censored version co-starring Coba the Anal Bead:

frocohacked1

Maybe the site wasn’t hacked. Maybe Farrah’s just showing us how the fresh Greek yogurt is made. Whatever you do, DO NOT order the “one cup” special at Froco.

Pic: Twitter

Backdoor Farrah Thinks Jessica Alba Should Play Her In A Movie

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Somewhere in between summoning the blood out of our ear holes with her “music and “writing” a Christian parenting book, Farrah Abraham found time to put her name on a trilogy of erotic novels which was obviously ghostwritten by a person who can do two things that she can’t do: read and write. Farrah’s first erotic novel “Celebrity Sex Tape” is based on the sex tape porn she made with James Deen. Farrah’s book will most likely be the literary equivalent of the butt syrup that squirted out of her ass after James Deen sexed her in there and it’s going to make Fifty Shades of Grey look like it was written by Jane Austen. But Backdoor Farrah thinks it’s better than Fifty Shades of Grey and is such a literary masterpiece that she doesn’t want Hollywood to ruin it by making it into a movie. Backdoor Farrah squirted out this warm load of delusion to Celebuzz:

“I would love for it to actually just stay in a book. Because a lot of stories I have read that are turned into movies aren’t as good or portrayed as well. So I really enjoy reading and I enjoy making stories so that they’re more compelling while you’re reading it.”

But Backdoor Farrah says that if it HAS to be turned into a movie, she thinks Jessica Alba should play Fallon Opal, the character she based on herself. (Side note: Mary Fisher must be Farrah’s ghost writer, because only thee Mary Fisher could come up with a name like Fallon Opal.)

“If it were turned into a movie, which I think would also be awesome in its own sense, I just know I would have Jessica Alba play Fallon Opal. I think she’s very relatable to myself and Fallon Opal, and I think she’s had a very good career and I would trust her playing that part.”

MiserAlba is a shit actress, but even she’s too good of an actress to play Backdoor Farrah. MiserAlba is better than that and she was in The Eye! The only thing that can perfectly capture the dead eye-ness and hallowed-out soul of Backdoor Farrah is an out-of-commission, coin-operated plastic toy supermarket horse. Even then, Megan Fox would have to teach it to be less life-like.

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Backdoor Farrah Is Blowin’

March 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The first “song” from Backdoor Farrah that tortured my ears sounded like C3PO drowning in boiling water and I must truly have no love for my sense of hearing, because I pressed play on the latest musical torture device that should be banned for being a weapon of mass destruction. Mass ear murderer Backdoor Farrah is back. Backdoor Farrah’s new song “Blowin‘” is a nightmare for your ears and I’d rather listen to the sounds that come out of her airport hangar of an asshole (yes, you can call me “pot” today) when James Deen pulls out too fast.

I don’t even know if this is human English, but I do know this is a new kind of auto-tune. It sounds like a Sims singing Sims language into a fan. Rich at Gawker somehow pulled English words out of this unnatural disaster of a song. The lyrics are so poetic that if they were an answer under a Jeopardy category titled “Lyrics,” you’d guess Joni Mitchell obviously.

Let me get that air
That breeze
The wind I need ,
Im blowin (I’m blowin)
All these bullies away

And dragging her on-and-off again daughter into this mess is a form of severe child abuse. But I will say that the song really delivers a positive message. If you can’t beat your bullies, blow them.

Backdoor Farrah Didn’t Shoot New Scenes For The Sequel To Her Porn, So Says Backdoor Farrah

February 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Sucio fans of equine porn all got their tubs of lube ready when it was announced that supermarket coin-op pony turned teen mom turned porn trick turned Christian parenting author Farrah Abraham spread her Cygnus X-1 of an asshole around James Deen’s dick in a new porn. Steve Hirsch of Vivid pretty much foamed out of all his holes when he said that the sequel to Backdoor Farrah’s porn isn’t just leftovers from the first one. Steve said that it was an all new movie, but Backdoor Farrah, whose mouth is a collagen-filled spigot of lies, says she didn’t shoot any new scenes. And I can’t believe I’m going to type these words, but I believe her. Hmm, is that a locust that just landed on my screen.

Backdoor Farrah’s lawyer told TMZ that the “sequel” is full of late-to-the-party cum balls squirted out by the first porn. It’s just clips they didn’t use. There’s nothing Farrah can do to stop it since she signed a contract giving Vivid rights to all of the footage. Backdoor Farrah’s lawyer also spit out this eye roll-inducing puddle of hilariousness:

“[Farrah is] a mother, a public figure, and an author and not a porn star.”

I’m not laughing at Backdoor Farrah’s lawyer saying she’s not a porn star, because she ain’t. That’s offensive to the real porn stars out there. I’m laughing at him calling her a mother and an author.

I didn’t think that James Deen would ever stick his fingers in Backdoor Farrah’s snatch ever again (even if there was a 7-figure check in there), so it makes sense that the sequel is really just a bunch of B-sides. But this should teach Farrah that the next time she goes to sign a porn contract, she should bring a lawyer instead of her father and daughter. But you know, all the blame should fall on her daughter’s little shoulders. Sophia just had one job to do. ONE JOB! All Sophia had to do was thoroughly read that contract since Farrah can’t read! That is why you should never trust a kid with your contracts. Farrah should totally take another “healthy break” from Sophia.

(Pic via Fishwrapper)

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Something Nobody Asked For: A Sequel To Backdoor Farrah’s Porn

February 7, 2014 / Posted by:

In news that’ll make you want to shove a Fleet enema into your right ear hole and squeeze, Vivid Entertainment has shit out the news that they will release a sequel to that choreographed and staged porn that Farrah Abraham tried to pass off as a leaked sex tape. Yeah, this cum bubble of a lying mess regretted doing that first “sex tape” so much that she made another one!

On last night’s episode of Couples Therapy, Farrah claims that she was drugged and raped more than once after her first porn came out and so it’s a really good time to announce she made another porn (served in a dirty condom covered in sarcasm). Radar says that the sequel isn’t just leftover shit from Backdoor Farrah’s first porn. It’s all new scenes and I guess her and James Deen felched and made up, because he’s her butt fuck buddy in the sequel too. Steve Hirsch of Vivid tells both Radar and Fishwrapper that the sequel is called Farrah 2: Backdoor and More.

“What we are releasing next week is a completely different movie. The new Farrah footage is off the charts! She could definitely teach a few porn stars some moves. We have learned there isn’t anything shy about Farrah. She repeatedly tells the media she’s not a porn star, but she sure acts like one both on and off the screen.”

Vivid obviously really upped the budget (from $35 for an enema, Vaseline and Purell for the camera lense to $85 for all that plus props) for the sequel, because James and Backdoor Farrah bone in a sex swing this time. So now you get to feel your soul shrivel while watching Farrah give off the emotion of a piece of wet Styrofoam while fucking on James Deen in a sex swing.

In her first porn, Farrah and James spread her coochie so wide that I looked all the way up her body into her empty head. We’ve seen all of that, so what more is there to see? Why do we need a sequel? How many holes does Farrah have? What lie is she going to spit out about this one?

The only camera Farrah should get in front of is the camera operated by her psychiatrist who is recording her for their study about sociopaths.

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Backdoor Farrah Is A Master Of Deception

January 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, the time has come for my ass to admit that I need to start watching Couples Therapy, because witnessing Backdoor Farrah’s empty head slowly explode as she trips on the lies that fall out of her mouth is my new favorite sport. Backdoor Farrah was supposed to go on Couples Therapy with a dude that producers were going to pay (they deny it) to play her boyfriend, but I guess dignity got the best of his ass, because he dropped out at the last minute. So Backdoor Farrah’s on there with her true soulmate Delusion and last night she hilariously got caught in a lie about the butt porn she’s still trying to pass off as a leaked sex tape.

When James Deen put his hand in Backdoor Farrah’s bottomless puss of mystery, one of the things he pulled out was the story about how they were dating, shot a sex tape at home and he leaked it. James, a dude who gets paid to bone chicks on camera, pretty much admitted that he got paid to bone Backdoor Farrah on camera. But Backdoor Farrah lives alone in a shit bubble of fantasy where she’s the only dumb fuck who believes that everyone believes that her sex tape wasn’t a staged porn. On Couples Therapy last night, Farrah’s shit bubble was popped with the sharp end of truth. Rich at Gawker posted a clip of Farrah pissing at the mouth about how she was scarred by her sex tape becoming public. When Sada Bettencourt from The Real L Word asked Backdoor Farrah why she hired a camera crew to film her “private” sex tape, Farrah exposed herself:

Sada: I am not judging about the sex tape at all. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the adult industry and I know you said that you don’t work in the industry. But when we were talking about it, you had said to me that it was filmed with one of your boyfriends and I’m just curious what boyfriend that was.

Farrah: Yeah, he does porn for a living. That is his job. That is what he actually, like that’s his career.

Sada: I’m just curious as to how that was a sex tape filmed at home when there’s actually a camera crew filming-

Farrah: No, there was not. There was only me and a camera person. So where are you seeing a camera crew?

Sada: Different angles. So there’s a camera person?

Farrah: No. I can straight up honestly say there was never any other person ever around us while we were having sex.

Sada: You just said “camera person.” It was just you and a camera person. Okay, I’m just asking that’s all.

Farrah: I don’t know if I ever said “camera person.” There was never a camera person.

Whitney: You did just literally say the words “camera person.”

One time, a hating whore emailed me and said that I’ve probably been butt fucked so many times that the shit in my bowels got shoved up into my head and that’s why I’m so dumb. That was the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten in my life and it turned me on a little. I don’t know if the same can be said for Backdoor Farrah or if she’s a genius who has turned stupidity into an art form. Hahaha, no, she’s just dumb as all fuck.

And when the malnourished llama named Taylor Armstrong, who exploited her estranged husband’s suicide, throws a side-eye and a face of judgement at you…..

Farrah Abraham Says Her Sex Tape Ruined Her Life

January 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Usually when you hear somebody talk about mistakes they’ve made, it’s shit like “I’m sorry got drunk and humped on your second cousin at your sister’s confirmation party” or “I’m sorry I had that third taco from the bunkass food truck and blew up the office bathroom.” Have this look ready to go when you read Farrah Abraham’s interview with InTouch where she says the release of her sex tape was a huge mistake and if she could take it back, she would.

It made it hard to have friends and a private life and to trust family, who I feel use me for money,” Farrah tells In Touchon newsstands now. “If I went back in time, I would not have done it. The sex tape ruined my life.

Despite warnings from family who feared selling the X-rated tape would send a terrible message to her 4-year-old daughter, Sophia, Farrah did it anyway — and says she quickly realized it was a bad idea. “Knowing my sex tape was out there for everyone in the world to see … was overwhelming,” she says. “I wanted to hide my face and not go out or pick up my phone.

Foresight, motherfucker, do you have it?? Of COURSE it was a bad fucking idea. Of COURSE you are surrounded by shady assholes (GONG) who are using you. Of COURSE you should hide that horse face, perhaps with this stylish fly rug.

For someone who was supposedly so damn ashamed of getting butt plowed for the almighty dollar, Farrah tried her hardest to keep that money rolling in. She sold the story of upgrading her tits to the tabs and pimped out her rancid tunnels a second time by allowing them to be made into rubber fuck molds. She also tried to drag her then-boyfriend, DJ Brian Dawe, onto VH1′s Couple’s Therapy, but ended up doing the show alone when he wised up and got the fuck out out of there.

Still, she’s glad she went ahead and did the show by herself. “Therapy helped me understand I can’t continue experiencing life [the way I had been], that I’m more special than sex tapes,” she explains. “Hearing others tell me my worth is [all based on] my body. … I’m stronger than that.

What Farrah really meant to say was, “I didn’t get anywhere near as rich as I thought and since I can’t afford to wipe my leaking ass with hundred dollar bills, I’m going to say it was all a huge mistake! The rampant Daddy issues are implied.

(Pic: Wenn)

 

Backdoor Farrah Didn’t Get $1 Million For Doing Porn

October 1, 2013 / Posted by:

Is Gene Simmons’ tongue studded or are those…forget it. I don’t need that today.

When Backdoor Farrah bragged to TMZ that she became a millionaire from her porno pretending to be a “leaked sex tape,” every unemployed college graduate with $100,000 in students loans screamed at her parents for not telling her to get knocked up at 16 so she could get on Teen Mom, which would lead to a lucrative career as a professional fame whore. If Backdoor Farrah taught us anything, she taught us that the easiest way to get famous is to push something out of your twat and the easiest way to get money is by pushing something into your twat. But Fox411 shattered everyone’s doody bubble dreams of becoming a teen mom turned millionaire porn star, because they say Backdoor Farrah didn’t make $1 million for butt swallowing James Deen’s peen. The money that Farrah made upfront isn’t even enough to pay the rent on a 100-square-foot studio apartment in Harlem for a year.

Some source tells Fox411 that Farrah was paid only $10,000 after she signed the contract and she was promised 30 percent of sales. Pippi Dongstocking also got $10k for her sex tape. The source also said that back in the olden days, hos like Parasite Hilton and Kim Kardashian made millions for their sex tapes, but it’s not like that anymore since everybody can watch sex tapes for free on the tube sites.

“In reality she (Abraham) got $10,000 upfront and 30 percent of sales, minus the cost of production. The entire celebrity sex video genre is a lot of unsubstantiated marketing with very little truth behind it…. It’s all publicity. It’s all hype.”

Jasmine Waltz, who got famous for humping David Arquette and bearding for Ryan Seacrest, said that she thought her sex tape would make money fall from the sky, but she was lied to.

“Vivid told me they would give $125,000 and 25 percent of the back end, all the sales that are made. Basically, you’ll never see the back end after advertisement. You won’t get the money. It’s a very untrustworthy business. Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter got burned really, really bad. She got $60,000 dollars and never saw another penny.”

Well, in Backdoor Farrah’s case, James Deen got at least 100 percent of the back end (120 percent when he was fully hard) and his fingers got around 65 percent of the front end.

Okay, $10,000 to do anal is $10,000 more than I’ve been paid to do anal (that’s not true, I think somebody bought me a slice once, cheese ONLY), but it’s hilarious that ho was going around saying that she squirted out a million dollars from her b-hole when she really only made enough money to put a down payment on a basic model Kia Forte. But whatever, Farrah is the Mother Theresa of backdoor porn because she practically gave away up-close shots of her freshly fucked b-hole for free and besides, her porn has lead to bigger and better things like posing on the cover of a magazine that legendary beauty Courtney Stodden once posed for.

backdoorfarrahgirlsandcorpses

No, I don’t think that’s Photoshopped. Ole dude impaled himself on the pitchfork when he found out he had to pose next to Farrah Abraham.

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