Category: Farrah Abraham

Backdoor Farrah Thinks Jessica Alba Should Play Her In A Movie

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Somewhere in between summoning the blood out of our ear holes with her “music and “writing” a Christian parenting book, Farrah Abraham found time to put her name on a trilogy of erotic novels which was obviously ghostwritten by a person who can do two things that she can’t do: read and write. Farrah’s first erotic novel “Celebrity Sex Tape” is based on the sex tape porn she made with James Deen. Farrah’s book will most likely be the literary equivalent of the butt syrup that squirted out of her ass after James Deen sexed her in there and it’s going to make Fifty Shades of Grey look like it was written by Jane Austen. But Backdoor Farrah thinks it’s better than Fifty Shades of Grey and is such a literary masterpiece that she doesn’t want Hollywood to ruin it by making it into a movie. Backdoor Farrah squirted out this warm load of delusion to Celebuzz:

“I would love for it to actually just stay in a book. Because a lot of stories I have read that are turned into movies aren’t as good or portrayed as well. So I really enjoy reading and I enjoy making stories so that they’re more compelling while you’re reading it.”

But Backdoor Farrah says that if it HAS to be turned into a movie, she thinks Jessica Alba should play Fallon Opal, the character she based on herself. (Side note: Mary Fisher must be Farrah’s ghost writer, because only thee Mary Fisher could come up with a name like Fallon Opal.)

“If it were turned into a movie, which I think would also be awesome in its own sense, I just know I would have Jessica Alba play Fallon Opal. I think she’s very relatable to myself and Fallon Opal, and I think she’s had a very good career and I would trust her playing that part.”

MiserAlba is a shit actress, but even she’s too good of an actress to play Backdoor Farrah. MiserAlba is better than that and she was in The Eye! The only thing that can perfectly capture the dead eye-ness and hallowed-out soul of Backdoor Farrah is an out-of-commission, coin-operated plastic toy supermarket horse. Even then, Megan Fox would have to teach it to be less life-like.

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Backdoor Farrah Is Blowin’

March 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The first “song” from Backdoor Farrah that tortured my ears sounded like C3PO drowning in boiling water and I must truly have no love for my sense of hearing, because I pressed play on the latest musical torture device that should be banned for being a weapon of mass destruction. Mass ear murderer Backdoor Farrah is back. Backdoor Farrah’s new song “Blowin‘” is a nightmare for your ears and I’d rather listen to the sounds that come out of her airport hangar of an asshole (yes, you can call me “pot” today) when James Deen pulls out too fast.

I don’t even know if this is human English, but I do know this is a new kind of auto-tune. It sounds like a Sims singing Sims language into a fan. Rich at Gawker somehow pulled English words out of this unnatural disaster of a song. The lyrics are so poetic that if they were an answer under a Jeopardy category titled “Lyrics,” you’d guess Joni Mitchell obviously.

Let me get that air
That breeze
The wind I need ,
Im blowin (I’m blowin)
All these bullies away

And dragging her on-and-off again daughter into this mess is a form of severe child abuse. But I will say that the song really delivers a positive message. If you can’t beat your bullies, blow them.

Backdoor Farrah Didn’t Shoot New Scenes For The Sequel To Her Porn, So Says Backdoor Farrah

February 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Sucio fans of equine porn all got their tubs of lube ready when it was announced that supermarket coin-op pony turned teen mom turned porn trick turned Christian parenting author Farrah Abraham spread her Cygnus X-1 of an asshole around James Deen’s dick in a new porn. Steve Hirsch of Vivid pretty much foamed out of all his holes when he said that the sequel to Backdoor Farrah’s porn isn’t just leftovers from the first one. Steve said that it was an all new movie, but Backdoor Farrah, whose mouth is a collagen-filled spigot of lies, says she didn’t shoot any new scenes. And I can’t believe I’m going to type these words, but I believe her. Hmm, is that a locust that just landed on my screen.

Backdoor Farrah’s lawyer told TMZ that the “sequel” is full of late-to-the-party cum balls squirted out by the first porn. It’s just clips they didn’t use. There’s nothing Farrah can do to stop it since she signed a contract giving Vivid rights to all of the footage. Backdoor Farrah’s lawyer also spit out this eye roll-inducing puddle of hilariousness:

“[Farrah is] a mother, a public figure, and an author and not a porn star.”

I’m not laughing at Backdoor Farrah’s lawyer saying she’s not a porn star, because she ain’t. That’s offensive to the real porn stars out there. I’m laughing at him calling her a mother and an author.

I didn’t think that James Deen would ever stick his fingers in Backdoor Farrah’s snatch ever again (even if there was a 7-figure check in there), so it makes sense that the sequel is really just a bunch of B-sides. But this should teach Farrah that the next time she goes to sign a porn contract, she should bring a lawyer instead of her father and daughter. But you know, all the blame should fall on her daughter’s little shoulders. Sophia just had one job to do. ONE JOB! All Sophia had to do was thoroughly read that contract since Farrah can’t read! That is why you should never trust a kid with your contracts. Farrah should totally take another “healthy break” from Sophia.

(Pic via Fishwrapper)

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Something Nobody Asked For: A Sequel To Backdoor Farrah’s Porn

February 7, 2014 / Posted by:

In news that’ll make you want to shove a Fleet enema into your right ear hole and squeeze, Vivid Entertainment has shit out the news that they will release a sequel to that choreographed and staged porn that Farrah Abraham tried to pass off as a leaked sex tape. Yeah, this cum bubble of a lying mess regretted doing that first “sex tape” so much that she made another one!

On last night’s episode of Couples Therapy, Farrah claims that she was drugged and raped more than once after her first porn came out and so it’s a really good time to announce she made another porn (served in a dirty condom covered in sarcasm). Radar says that the sequel isn’t just leftover shit from Backdoor Farrah’s first porn. It’s all new scenes and I guess her and James Deen felched and made up, because he’s her butt fuck buddy in the sequel too. Steve Hirsch of Vivid tells both Radar and Fishwrapper that the sequel is called Farrah 2: Backdoor and More.

“What we are releasing next week is a completely different movie. The new Farrah footage is off the charts! She could definitely teach a few porn stars some moves. We have learned there isn’t anything shy about Farrah. She repeatedly tells the media she’s not a porn star, but she sure acts like one both on and off the screen.”

Vivid obviously really upped the budget (from $35 for an enema, Vaseline and Purell for the camera lense to $85 for all that plus props) for the sequel, because James and Backdoor Farrah bone in a sex swing this time. So now you get to feel your soul shrivel while watching Farrah give off the emotion of a piece of wet Styrofoam while fucking on James Deen in a sex swing.

In her first porn, Farrah and James spread her coochie so wide that I looked all the way up her body into her empty head. We’ve seen all of that, so what more is there to see? Why do we need a sequel? How many holes does Farrah have? What lie is she going to spit out about this one?

The only camera Farrah should get in front of is the camera operated by her psychiatrist who is recording her for their study about sociopaths.

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Backdoor Farrah Is A Master Of Deception

January 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, the time has come for my ass to admit that I need to start watching Couples Therapy, because witnessing Backdoor Farrah’s empty head slowly explode as she trips on the lies that fall out of her mouth is my new favorite sport. Backdoor Farrah was supposed to go on Couples Therapy with a dude that producers were going to pay (they deny it) to play her boyfriend, but I guess dignity got the best of his ass, because he dropped out at the last minute. So Backdoor Farrah’s on there with her true soulmate Delusion and last night she hilariously got caught in a lie about the butt porn she’s still trying to pass off as a leaked sex tape.

When James Deen put his hand in Backdoor Farrah’s bottomless puss of mystery, one of the things he pulled out was the story about how they were dating, shot a sex tape at home and he leaked it. James, a dude who gets paid to bone chicks on camera, pretty much admitted that he got paid to bone Backdoor Farrah on camera. But Backdoor Farrah lives alone in a shit bubble of fantasy where she’s the only dumb fuck who believes that everyone believes that her sex tape wasn’t a staged porn. On Couples Therapy last night, Farrah’s shit bubble was popped with the sharp end of truth. Rich at Gawker posted a clip of Farrah pissing at the mouth about how she was scarred by her sex tape becoming public. When Sada Bettencourt from The Real L Word asked Backdoor Farrah why she hired a camera crew to film her “private” sex tape, Farrah exposed herself:

Sada: I am not judging about the sex tape at all. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the adult industry and I know you said that you don’t work in the industry. But when we were talking about it, you had said to me that it was filmed with one of your boyfriends and I’m just curious what boyfriend that was.

Farrah: Yeah, he does porn for a living. That is his job. That is what he actually, like that’s his career.

Sada: I’m just curious as to how that was a sex tape filmed at home when there’s actually a camera crew filming-

Farrah: No, there was not. There was only me and a camera person. So where are you seeing a camera crew?

Sada: Different angles. So there’s a camera person?

Farrah: No. I can straight up honestly say there was never any other person ever around us while we were having sex.

Sada: You just said “camera person.” It was just you and a camera person. Okay, I’m just asking that’s all.

Farrah: I don’t know if I ever said “camera person.” There was never a camera person.

Whitney: You did just literally say the words “camera person.”

One time, a hating whore emailed me and said that I’ve probably been butt fucked so many times that the shit in my bowels got shoved up into my head and that’s why I’m so dumb. That was the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten in my life and it turned me on a little. I don’t know if the same can be said for Backdoor Farrah or if she’s a genius who has turned stupidity into an art form. Hahaha, no, she’s just dumb as all fuck.

And when the malnourished llama named Taylor Armstrong, who exploited her estranged husband’s suicide, throws a side-eye and a face of judgement at you…..

Farrah Abraham Says Her Sex Tape Ruined Her Life

January 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Usually when you hear somebody talk about mistakes they’ve made, it’s shit like “I’m sorry got drunk and humped on your second cousin at your sister’s confirmation party” or “I’m sorry I had that third taco from the bunkass food truck and blew up the office bathroom.” Have this look ready to go when you read Farrah Abraham’s interview with InTouch where she says the release of her sex tape was a huge mistake and if she could take it back, she would.

It made it hard to have friends and a private life and to trust family, who I feel use me for money,” Farrah tells In Touchon newsstands now. “If I went back in time, I would not have done it. The sex tape ruined my life.

Despite warnings from family who feared selling the X-rated tape would send a terrible message to her 4-year-old daughter, Sophia, Farrah did it anyway — and says she quickly realized it was a bad idea. “Knowing my sex tape was out there for everyone in the world to see … was overwhelming,” she says. “I wanted to hide my face and not go out or pick up my phone.

Foresight, motherfucker, do you have it?? Of COURSE it was a bad fucking idea. Of COURSE you are surrounded by shady assholes (GONG) who are using you. Of COURSE you should hide that horse face, perhaps with this stylish fly rug.

For someone who was supposedly so damn ashamed of getting butt plowed for the almighty dollar, Farrah tried her hardest to keep that money rolling in. She sold the story of upgrading her tits to the tabs and pimped out her rancid tunnels a second time by allowing them to be made into rubber fuck molds. She also tried to drag her then-boyfriend, DJ Brian Dawe, onto VH1′s Couple’s Therapy, but ended up doing the show alone when he wised up and got the fuck out out of there.

Still, she’s glad she went ahead and did the show by herself. “Therapy helped me understand I can’t continue experiencing life [the way I had been], that I’m more special than sex tapes,” she explains. “Hearing others tell me my worth is [all based on] my body. … I’m stronger than that.

What Farrah really meant to say was, “I didn’t get anywhere near as rich as I thought and since I can’t afford to wipe my leaking ass with hundred dollar bills, I’m going to say it was all a huge mistake! The rampant Daddy issues are implied.

(Pic: Wenn)

 

Backdoor Farrah Didn’t Get $1 Million For Doing Porn

October 1, 2013 / Posted by:

Is Gene Simmons’ tongue studded or are those…forget it. I don’t need that today.

When Backdoor Farrah bragged to TMZ that she became a millionaire from her porno pretending to be a “leaked sex tape,” every unemployed college graduate with $100,000 in students loans screamed at her parents for not telling her to get knocked up at 16 so she could get on Teen Mom, which would lead to a lucrative career as a professional fame whore. If Backdoor Farrah taught us anything, she taught us that the easiest way to get famous is to push something out of your twat and the easiest way to get money is by pushing something into your twat. But Fox411 shattered everyone’s doody bubble dreams of becoming a teen mom turned millionaire porn star, because they say Backdoor Farrah didn’t make $1 million for butt swallowing James Deen’s peen. The money that Farrah made upfront isn’t even enough to pay the rent on a 100-square-foot studio apartment in Harlem for a year.

Some source tells Fox411 that Farrah was paid only $10,000 after she signed the contract and she was promised 30 percent of sales. Pippi Dongstocking also got $10k for her sex tape. The source also said that back in the olden days, hos like Parasite Hilton and Kim Kardashian made millions for their sex tapes, but it’s not like that anymore since everybody can watch sex tapes for free on the tube sites.

“In reality she (Abraham) got $10,000 upfront and 30 percent of sales, minus the cost of production. The entire celebrity sex video genre is a lot of unsubstantiated marketing with very little truth behind it…. It’s all publicity. It’s all hype.”

Jasmine Waltz, who got famous for humping David Arquette and bearding for Ryan Seacrest, said that she thought her sex tape would make money fall from the sky, but she was lied to.

“Vivid told me they would give $125,000 and 25 percent of the back end, all the sales that are made. Basically, you’ll never see the back end after advertisement. You won’t get the money. It’s a very untrustworthy business. Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter got burned really, really bad. She got $60,000 dollars and never saw another penny.”

Well, in Backdoor Farrah’s case, James Deen got at least 100 percent of the back end (120 percent when he was fully hard) and his fingers got around 65 percent of the front end.

Okay, $10,000 to do anal is $10,000 more than I’ve been paid to do anal (that’s not true, I think somebody bought me a slice once, cheese ONLY), but it’s hilarious that ho was going around saying that she squirted out a million dollars from her b-hole when she really only made enough money to put a down payment on a basic model Kia Forte. But whatever, Farrah is the Mother Theresa of backdoor porn because she practically gave away up-close shots of her freshly fucked b-hole for free and besides, her porn has lead to bigger and better things like posing on the cover of a magazine that legendary beauty Courtney Stodden once posed for.

backdoorfarrahgirlsandcorpses

No, I don’t think that’s Photoshopped. Ole dude impaled himself on the pitchfork when he found out he had to pose next to Farrah Abraham.

Soon You Can Buy A Rubber Mold Of Backdoor Farrah’s Parts

September 23, 2013 / Posted by:

Farrah Abraham has really come a long way since she claimed that she was violated by her “boyfriendJames Deenleaking” a “private” “sex tape” she made with him. Farrah went from screaming that her privacy was violated to violating her privates with plaster for a new line of sex toys. And I know that I did you wrong with that picture. If it makes you feel better, the image of Backdoor Farrah wearing a plaster diaper is embedded into my brain too. We’re in this together. Maybe we can split a Skype therapy session.

Right now, Backdoor Farrah has more mold than usual in her fuck parts and that’s because she got a whole lot white sticky stuff smeared all over her ass cheeks, culo hole and coochie at the headquarters of the fourth largest sex toy company in the world Topco Sales. Farrah let film her down low parts getting plastered, because this special moment needs to be captured and because they paid for the cab and promised to buy her lunch at Del Taco afterward. Topco says that they will start selling Farrah’s silicone asshole next year.

I’ve always said that you got to strike while the freshly fucked asshole is hot, so I can’t blame or judge Farrah for making more money by selling a line of plastic products that will have as many brain cells as she does. But I can judge every ho who buys a mold of Farrah’s parts. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of silicone anuses and vagines on the market, so why would you want to buy Farrah’s?! You know, now that I think about, a mold of Farrah’s parts wouldn’t make a good sex toy, but it would make an excellent security system.

Just put all of your valuables in your Backdoor Farrah mold and leave your house knowing that they’re safe. If a thief decides to stick his hand in your Backdoor Farrah mold to get to your valuables, he’ll find out that he made the wrong decision when his hand is ripped off of his arm and is never seen from again. Farrah should really put that on the box. That’s a major selling point. And no, I have no idea how you’d get your valuables back.

Backdoor Farrah Is Well On Her Way To Becoming One Of Feminism’s Most Important Voices

September 3, 2013 / Posted by:

Farrah Abraham is already destined to become the Dame Judi Dench of her generation and now she’s destined to be feminism’s greatest hero. Sorry, Gloria Steinem, you had a good run. Allie Conti of The Miami New Times (via Radar) interviewed Backdoor Farrah and quickly found out that she would’ve gotten more intelligent answers out of a factory-defected silicone implant.

Farrah talked to The Miami New Times to whore out some club night she’s hosting for Vivid and so Allie brought up her porn debut and asked how her “sex tape” came to be. Farrah used the explanation of lies that James Deen pulled out of her bottomless coochie box on her sex tape. Farrah says that she was dating James Deen when he butt fucked her on camera and he betrayed her trust by leaking the tape. Yes, ho still thinks everyone is as dumb as her. Allie said that it was really shitty (pun intended, I’m sure) of James to do that and then she followed that up by bringing up feminism.

It sounds pretty shitty that he went behind your back and leaked your personal tape. Do you consider yourself a feminist?
I’m pretty feminine. I think so.

Not feminine — feminist.
What does that mean, you’re a lesbian or something?

No, that’s not what I’m asking at all.
What context are you saying it in?

It’s a complicated concept, but I guess at it’s most basic, it means that women are equal to men.
Oh, I definitely feel that women are equal to men. No doubt about that. I mean women should have equal rights to men, every day

AHAHAHAHAHA! You can practically hear the rocks in her head rub together and turn to sand. Just when I think that Farrah has reached the pinnacle of dumbness and can’t possibly get any dumber, she grabs a ladder and goes even higher. When Ryan Lochte wants to feel smart for a second, he reads a Farrah Abraham interview.

And here’s the most powerful voice in feminism posing for the paps in Fort Lauderdale, FL today.

Pics: Splash

Backdoor Farrah Gives The Audition Of Her Life, Doesn’t Get The Role

August 30, 2013 / Posted by:

“Why didn’t I see this while casting the title role of Blue Jasmine?!” is what Woody Allen is going to say to himself after seeing Farrah Abraham’s audition for the role of a hooker named Destiny (a tribute to Miley?) in an episode of Days of Our Lives. A few months ago, Farrah sent in this audition tape and even though it was perfect from beginning to end, she didn’t get the role. The producers didn’t cast her in the role of a pussy peddler, because they knew her performance would upstage the regulars.

In the 3-minute-long audition tape, Farrah Abraham, who didn’t graduate from Juilliard, gives an emotionally raw performance and makes the powerful choice to give Destiny a rare disorder where the person affected can only say words 10 seconds after reading them off of a cell phone. The most powerful part is from 2:30 to 2:50. There will be a remake of Ghost and Farrah will play the Demi Moore role, because nobody can slap the air like she can.

But seriously, Farrah looks as alive as a cracked anal bead and the Lucite dildo she squirted on in her porn debut showed more emotion than she did during this audition. That being said, I’ve seen Days of Our Lives and I’m surprised they didn’t cast her.

And if you need more of Farrah’s impeccable acting skills, here she is acting with a non-ghost in the lobby of a brothel ran by a grandma:

via UsWeekly

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