When I was a kid (Side note: A white hair appears in my ear every time I type “When I was a kid…“), I got $1, if that, for every tooth and $2 for molars from the Tooth Fairy. But well, I guess when you add inflation and a shit mom who needs to buy her child’s love, you get $300 a toof!
Porn star, Christian author, vagina mold mogul, ear drum assaulter, walking billboard for tragic plastic surgery, reality show trick and Mother of the Century Farrah Abraham tweeted a picture of her 6-year-old daughter Sophia posing in front of a treasure trove of gifts from the Tooth Fairy. For just two front teeth, Sophia got six $100 bills, jewelry from Claire’s and a sequined purse. Sophia must be a seriously heavy sleeper, because how in the hell did she not wake up when the Tooth Fairy slipped that purse under her pillow?
Farrah shared the picture with her followers, because she’s Fame Whore Farrah and if the moment isn’t captured on camera, it didn’t happen. Also, Farrah worked her ass and coochie off (I was going to add “mouth,” but we’ve all seen her beej skills) for that money so why not show it off?
— Farrah Abraham (@F1abraham) July 12, 2015
Don’t spend it all in one place, Sophia…. Unless that one place is called “future therapy fund,” then okay. But seriously…
Farrah is dumb for broadcasting this to the world, because now the scammers are going to trick her and it’s not hard. Farrah probably forgets what her daughter looks like since they’re usually doing their own thing. So scam artists are going to put on a brown wig, black out a few teeth with a Sharpie, make fake fallen teeth out of Styrofoam, get on their knees and walk up to Farrah to say, “Hello mother. It is I, your daughter Sophia. I lost three teeth. That will be $900 please.” Farrah will pull out a stack of hundreds and since she can’t count, she’ll just hand the wad over. It’s the perfect con!
I’m talking about the lips on her mouth. No word yet on her other lips.
Wannabe porn star/Christian author/Mother of the Century/Black Belt Fame Whore, Farrah Abraham, made every crested macaque’s proctologist think to themselves, “Hmmm, where have I seen that before?“, when she tweeted pictures of her “power bottom’s b-hole after a 10-hour pass around orgy” lips. Farrah claimed that she had some kind of allergic reaction while getting an implant installed in her lips. In case you blocked it out (although, I know it’s your iPhone’s wallpaper), here’s the picture of Farrah’s terrifying Leela from Futurama Cosplay.
Over the weekend, Backdoor Farrah hosted some event at The Scene Nightclub in Long Island and her lips didn’t look as busted. Farrah would sell her daughter to pirates if it meant she’d get a small blurb in InTouch Weekly, so some of us guessed that she purposefully screwed herself up to get on the E! reality show Botched. Pat yourself on the taint if you guessed that. You’re probably right. You really know your shameless fame whores.
RumorFix posted a picture of Farrah meeting with Dr. Terry Dubrow and Dr. Paul Nasiff while shooting an episode of Botched. This trick is a wreck. She didn’t even need to inject a can of Fix-A-Flat into her mouth to get on botched. She could’ve left her lips alone and asked them to fix her botched brain instead. I wonder what Farrah will do next to get on TV?
She’ll marry a gay mormon to get on My Husband’s Not Gay. She’ll gain 200 pounds to get on The Biggest Loser. She’ll get de-lengthening surgery on her legs to get on The Little Couple. She’ll get duck lips again so she can go on Duck Dynasty. And after all of that, she’ll finally be committed and star in TLC’s Tales From The Mental Ward. Surprisingly, TLC doesn’t have a show called Tales From The Mental Ward….yet.
Dear Kylie Jenner, if you don’t stop, this is going to be you real soon. Kylie Jenner probably knows that already since she’s seen this terrifying look up close and in person before.
It’s been a while since professional fame whore Backdoor Farrah has done something solely for attention. So she made up for lost time today by tweeting two pictures of her mouth job gone wrong. Farrah went to get her lips done and she ended up looking like a piranha with a massive overbite after getting beat down with a shovel. I think most ladies know that letting a back alley plastic surgeon fill your lips with foam insulation never turns out well, but Farrah warned all the ladies anyway:
Girlfriends don’t say I didn’t warn ya ! #BOTCHED California #ER #fixit
TMZ says that Farrah was getting a new procedure where the doctor puts an implant in your lips. It’s supposed to be cheaper than fillers because you don’t have to get it done all the time. Farrah claims that she researched the procedure and the doctor beforehand. That was her first mistake. Farrah should have let her daughter or someone else with more than 2 working brain cells do the research for her. Farrah thinks that her lips blew up after she had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. It’s possible that the implant was defective too. Whatever the case may be, Farrah now looks like she went to the plastic surgeon, showed them a picture of her butt lips and said, “Make the lips on my face look like this too!” I’m all for peen sucking lips but I don’t think the lips are supposed to be bigger than the peen.
The use of the hashtag #BOTCHED makes me think that she did this on purpose to get on E!’s Botched. The answer to the question “Would Farrah Abraham go so low as to purposefully screw up her face to get on a reality show?” is: It’s Farrah Abraham.
Farrah also made fun of herself on Twitter by comparing herself to Leela from Futurama. Leela is currently in the process of suing Farrah for defamation.
And here’s another picture to stare at if you don’t want to sleep tonight:
You know, this can easily be fixed. All Farrah has to do is get a pair of extra chunky eyebrows tattooed on her face and she’d look seven shades of stunning. Jordan James Parke knows what I’m talking about.
Christian author, reality trash, porn trick, yogurt maker, mother of every year and rubber asshole mogul Farrah Abraham is now shaking her concrete ball tits for dollars at the Palazio Gentlemen’s Club in Austin, TX. E! News says that Backdoor Farrah started out as a cocktail waitress, but that lasted for about six seconds when she realized she could make more money stripping. If Farrah dances like she screws, then she probably moves like a sloth on Ambien, and since men would definitely throw money at a sloth on Ambien if it showed them its tits, she’s making a lot of money. But Backdoor Farrah wouldn’t be Backdoor Farrah if she didn’t reach into a bull’s dirty ass and pull out a bullshit excuse for why she’s stripping. Surprisingly, Backdoor Farrah didn’t say that she lives at the Palazio and she can’t believe that a bunch of strange men are violating her by throwing money at her while she dances naked in the privacy of her own home. Instead, Farrah said that she’s doing research just like Jennifer Aniston. That’s your cue to go to your refrigerator, get out a giant plastic tub of whipped Bitch, Please, scoop a spoonful out and prepare to fling it at this mess with butt plug dust for brains.
“I’m doing research. A friend of mine works there and I’m researching. I’ve been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman’s club, including cocktailing and dancing. There’s management and there’s cooking too. It’s job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that’s what I’m doing. It’s how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I’m not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I’m interested in hearing all the women’s stories. And while I’m doing it, I’m getting paid. I’m getting paid to play a role and get informed.”
That’s a good line actually. The next time you get caught by the police sucking dick under the bridge (which I know happens to you all the time), just tell them, “Officer, I’m doing research for a book I’m writing about sucking dick under bridges.” The next time my mom throws me a cold judgmental side-eye for smelling like weed, I’ll tell her that I’m just doing research for the role of a nonsensical stoned blogger that I “play” 24 hours a day.
But really, Farrah’s daughter is probably wondering when she’s going to do research for her book about how to be a good mom by actually being a good mom. No! Farrah’s daughter doesn’t care. She’s busy doing her own thing.
Last year, some of us were rushed to the ER for third degree burns to our ear tunnels when we poured hot Clorox into our ear holes hoping to cleanse our brains of the image of Backdoor Farrah getting her cooze and b-hole molded. Well, call the ER and tell them to get that burn kit ready again, because hot Clorox might make another appearance in your ear holes thanks to these pictures of Backdoor Farrah posing with rubber molds of her twat and ass at the launch party for her line of sex toys at 340 restaurant & nightclub in Pomona, CA on Saturday night. (Dear Pomona, CA, How could you take part in this foolery? I thought I knew you! Actually, I do know you, which is why I shouldn’t be surprised by this.)
Z-list porn star, mother of the century, Christian author and frozen yogurt mogul Farrah Abraham shoved her Nerf ball chichis into The Slut Dress’ sluttier second cousin and a stuck a pair of factory-defected polyester clip-on bangs into her hair to show off the rubber mold of the pussy that got her 15 seconds of fame after she pulled a baby out of it and got her another 15 seconds of fame when James Deen stuck his semi-soft peen in it. The words “NOT TRUE TO THE REAL THING” should be on the box of Backdoor Farrah’s rubber box, because when I watched her porn and stared deep into her wide set vagina, I swear I saw a senator’s daughter clutching onto a bottle of lotion. I didn’t see that in the rubber mold of Farrah’s poon. Farrah should sue. Actually, she’ll probably sue anyway after she claims that the sex toys were supposed to be used for her personal use only and she feels violated that they were released to the public without her permission!
Here’s Backdoor Farrah delivering massive amounts of class, grace and sophistication while showing off the rubber molds of her b-hole and v-hole. Being the entrepreneur that she is, I’m sure she’ll do a cross promotion with Froco and soon you’ll be able to buy a mold of her rubber vagina that squirts out frozen yogurt. And it’s your lucky day if your wet dream fantasies involve a Muppet pony licking on a rubber snatch.
Because Farrah Abraham is an entrepreneurial genius who knows that most people said to themselves, “Hmmm, I could really go for some creamy yogurt right now,” while watching her squirt in her porn, she’s opening up a frozen yogurt place in Austin, TX this October. Backdoor Farrah calls Froco Fresh Frozen a “brand new concept” and since she has dingles for brains, a “brand new concept” to her is a place that sells frozen yogurt and other frozen foods. Froco’s mascot is a terrifying “popping boba” named Coba and Backdoor Farrah probably got the idea for it while watching a string of anal beads go in and out of her b-hole. That’s how Coba the Anal Bead was born!
Backdoor Farrah tells Starcasm that she came up with the concept of Froco (she should’ve called it “Stinkberry“) all by herself. Froco will sell fresh and frozen cuisines in a family atmosphere. Farrah really is a culinary mastermind, because I’ve never heard of a place that sells both fresh AND frozen foods. I’ve never heard of something called a fucking grocery store. The about section of Froco’s website (which I’ll get into in a second) obviously came from the shit-filled mind of Farrah, because it is equal parts frozen delusion and nonsense, and it reads like it was written by a dried ball of poop cum:
The founder of Froco, was set to open a restaurant concept when the now first location and property of Froco was available. Instead of going with the first planned restaurant concept the founder had a better feeling about Froco. There was a lot to be completed with an unplanned great concept, so the founder of Froco thought about the possibilities to buy into another franchise of the similar sort but then realizing after being excepted to the other growing franchises of the similar sort that their values, their brands weren’t as great as what the founder could live up too. So with passion and positivity the founder wanted feedback on her Froco idea. After asking others in salons, playgrounds, stores, and just everywhere the founder was set on Froco and the mascot being Coba the popping boba! …
The founder felt strongly compelled to include Greek yogurt in to as many of the food products at Froco as possible which are found in certain flavors of frozen yogurt and all the freshly made to go food items. The founder after moving to Texas at the age of 22 right before the creation of Froco was told by her doctor to better her health with plain Greek yogurt. Being the foodie that the founder is, the founder put Greek yogurt in everything – sandwiches, pastas, salads, wraps, sushi, desserts and the founder was happy to taste better enhancement of flavors with the Greek yogurt in all the food options. The founder found the balance of taste, health, and quality and wanted to bring this to everyone’s lifestyle all year round. …
The founder Farrah Abraham is recognized nationally for her success in entertainment as well being a wonderful mother to her daughter Sophia who at age 5 has helped every step of the way in creating a lovable, positive, passionate and educational mascot for Froco, “Coba” The popping boba, who you may put on your frozen yogurt and feel a pop of passion and positivity every time you visit Froco.
You know, Backdoor Farrah opening up a gourmet emporium that sells yogurt and bubble tea makes sense. I mean, Greek yogurt is a yeast infection remedy (you know that’s why her doctor told her about it) and boba pearls can be used as disintegrating anal beads.
And as for the website (via Uproxx), this morning, a hacker doing God’s work hacked it and on the front page they put a GIF of James Deen backdooring Farrah. Here’s the censored version co-starring Coba the Anal Bead:
Maybe the site wasn’t hacked. Maybe Farrah’s just showing us how the fresh Greek yogurt is made. Whatever you do, DO NOT order the “one cup” special at Froco.
Somewhere in between summoning the blood out of our ear holes with her “music“ and “writing” a Christian parenting book, Farrah Abraham found time to put her name on a trilogy of erotic novels which was obviously ghostwritten by a person who can do two things that she can’t do: read and write. Farrah’s first erotic novel “Celebrity Sex Tape” is based on the
sex tape porn she made with James Deen. Farrah’s book will most likely be the literary equivalent of the butt syrup that squirted out of her ass after James Deen sexed her in there and it’s going to make Fifty Shades of Grey look like it was written by Jane Austen. But Backdoor Farrah thinks it’s better than Fifty Shades of Grey and is such a literary masterpiece that she doesn’t want Hollywood to ruin it by making it into a movie. Backdoor Farrah squirted out this warm load of delusion to Celebuzz:
“I would love for it to actually just stay in a book. Because a lot of stories I have read that are turned into movies aren’t as good or portrayed as well. So I really enjoy reading and I enjoy making stories so that they’re more compelling while you’re reading it.”
But Backdoor Farrah says that if it HAS to be turned into a movie, she thinks Jessica Alba should play Fallon Opal, the character she based on herself. (Side note: Mary Fisher must be Farrah’s ghost writer, because only thee Mary Fisher could come up with a name like Fallon Opal.)
“If it were turned into a movie, which I think would also be awesome in its own sense, I just know I would have Jessica Alba play Fallon Opal. I think she’s very relatable to myself and Fallon Opal, and I think she’s had a very good career and I would trust her playing that part.”
MiserAlba is a shit actress, but even she’s too good of an actress to play Backdoor Farrah. MiserAlba is better than that and she was in The Eye! The only thing that can perfectly capture the dead eye-ness and hallowed-out soul of Backdoor Farrah is an out-of-commission, coin-operated plastic toy supermarket horse. Even then, Megan Fox would have to teach it to be less life-like.
The first “song” from Backdoor Farrah that tortured my ears sounded like C3PO drowning in boiling water and I must truly have no love for my sense of hearing, because I pressed play on the latest musical torture device that should be banned for being a weapon of mass destruction. Mass ear murderer Backdoor Farrah is back. Backdoor Farrah’s new song “Blowin‘” is a nightmare for your ears and I’d rather listen to the sounds that come out of her airport hangar of an asshole (yes, you can call me “pot” today) when James Deen pulls out too fast.
I don’t even know if this is human English, but I do know this is a new kind of auto-tune. It sounds like a Sims singing Sims language into a fan. Rich at Gawker somehow pulled English words out of this unnatural disaster of a song. The lyrics are so poetic that if they were an answer under a Jeopardy category titled “Lyrics,” you’d guess Joni Mitchell obviously.
Let me get that air
The wind I need ,
Im blowin (I’m blowin)
All these bullies away
And dragging her on-and-off again daughter into this mess is a form of severe child abuse. But I will say that the song really delivers a positive message. If you can’t beat your bullies, blow them.
Sucio fans of equine porn all got their tubs of lube ready when it was announced that supermarket coin-op pony turned teen mom turned porn trick turned Christian parenting author Farrah Abraham spread her Cygnus X-1 of an asshole around James Deen’s dick in a new porn. Steve Hirsch of Vivid pretty much foamed out of all his holes when he said that the sequel to Backdoor Farrah’s porn isn’t just leftovers from the first one. Steve said that it was an all new movie, but Backdoor Farrah, whose mouth is a collagen-filled spigot of lies, says she didn’t shoot any new scenes. And I can’t believe I’m going to type these words, but I believe her. Hmm, is that a locust that just landed on my screen.
Backdoor Farrah’s lawyer told TMZ that the “sequel” is full of late-to-the-party cum balls squirted out by the first porn. It’s just clips they didn’t use. There’s nothing Farrah can do to stop it since she signed a contract giving Vivid rights to all of the footage. Backdoor Farrah’s lawyer also spit out this eye roll-inducing puddle of hilariousness:
“[Farrah is] a mother, a public figure, and an author and not a porn star.”
I’m not laughing at Backdoor Farrah’s lawyer saying she’s not a porn star, because she ain’t. That’s offensive to the real porn stars out there. I’m laughing at him calling her a mother and an author.
I didn’t think that James Deen would ever stick his fingers in Backdoor Farrah’s snatch ever again (even if there was a 7-figure check in there), so it makes sense that the sequel is really just a bunch of B-sides. But this should teach Farrah that the next time she goes to sign a porn contract, she should bring a lawyer instead of her father and daughter. But you know, all the blame should fall on her daughter’s little shoulders. Sophia just had one job to do. ONE JOB! All Sophia had to do was thoroughly read that contract since Farrah can’t read! That is why you should never trust a kid with your contracts. Farrah should totally take another “healthy break” from Sophia.
(Pic via Fishwrapper)
In news that’ll make you want to shove a Fleet enema into your right ear hole and squeeze, Vivid Entertainment has shit out the news that they will release a sequel to that choreographed and staged porn that Farrah Abraham tried to pass off as a leaked sex tape. Yeah, this cum bubble of a lying mess regretted doing that first “sex tape” so much that she made another one!
On last night’s episode of Couples Therapy, Farrah claims that she was drugged and raped more than once after her first porn came out and so it’s a really good time to announce she made another porn (served in a dirty condom covered in sarcasm). Radar says that the sequel isn’t just leftover shit from Backdoor Farrah’s first porn. It’s all new scenes and I guess her and James Deen felched and made up, because he’s her butt fuck buddy in the sequel too. Steve Hirsch of Vivid tells both Radar and Fishwrapper that the sequel is called Farrah 2: Backdoor and More.
“What we are releasing next week is a completely different movie. The new Farrah footage is off the charts! She could definitely teach a few porn stars some moves. We have learned there isn’t anything shy about Farrah. She repeatedly tells the media she’s not a porn star, but she sure acts like one both on and off the screen.”
Vivid obviously really upped the budget (from $35 for an enema, Vaseline and Purell for the camera lense to $85 for all that plus props) for the sequel, because James and Backdoor Farrah bone in a sex swing this time. So now you get to feel your soul shrivel while watching Farrah give off the emotion of a piece of wet Styrofoam while fucking on James Deen in a sex swing.
In her first porn, Farrah and James spread her coochie so wide that I looked all the way up her body into her empty head. We’ve seen all of that, so what more is there to see? Why do we need a sequel? How many holes does Farrah have? What lie is she going to spit out about this one?
The only camera Farrah should get in front of is the camera operated by her psychiatrist who is recording her for their study about sociopaths.