Is Gene Simmons’ tongue studded or are those…forget it. I don’t need that today.
When Backdoor Farrah bragged to TMZ that she became a millionaire from her porno pretending to be a “leaked sex tape,” every unemployed college graduate with $100,000 in students loans screamed at her parents for not telling her to get knocked up at 16 so she could get on Teen Mom, which would lead to a lucrative career as a professional fame whore. If Backdoor Farrah taught us anything, she taught us that the easiest way to get famous is to push something out of your twat and the easiest way to get money is by pushing something into your twat. But Fox411 shattered everyone’s doody bubble dreams of becoming a teen mom turned millionaire porn star, because they say Backdoor Farrah didn’t make $1 million for butt swallowing James Deen’s peen. The money that Farrah made upfront isn’t even enough to pay the rent on a 100-square-foot studio apartment in Harlem for a year.
Some source tells Fox411 that Farrah was paid only $10,000 after she signed the contract and she was promised 30 percent of sales. Pippi Dongstocking also got $10k for her sex tape. The source also said that back in the olden days, hos like Parasite Hilton and Kim Kardashian made millions for their sex tapes, but it’s not like that anymore since everybody can watch sex tapes for free on the tube sites.
“In reality she (Abraham) got $10,000 upfront and 30 percent of sales, minus the cost of production. The entire celebrity sex video genre is a lot of unsubstantiated marketing with very little truth behind it…. It’s all publicity. It’s all hype.”
Jasmine Waltz, who got famous for humping David Arquette and bearding for Ryan Seacrest, said that she thought her sex tape would make money fall from the sky, but she was lied to.
“Vivid told me they would give $125,000 and 25 percent of the back end, all the sales that are made. Basically, you’ll never see the back end after advertisement. You won’t get the money. It’s a very untrustworthy business. Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter got burned really, really bad. She got $60,000 dollars and never saw another penny.”
Well, in Backdoor Farrah’s case, James Deen got at least 100 percent of the back end (120 percent when he was fully hard) and his fingers got around 65 percent of the front end.
Okay, $10,000 to do anal is $10,000 more than I’ve been paid to do anal (that’s not true, I think somebody bought me a slice once, cheese ONLY), but it’s hilarious that ho was going around saying that she squirted out a million dollars from her b-hole when she really only made enough money to put a down payment on a basic model Kia Forte. But whatever, Farrah is the Mother Theresa of backdoor porn because she practically gave away up-close shots of her freshly fucked b-hole for free and besides, her porn has lead to bigger and better things like posing on the cover of a magazine that legendary beauty Courtney Stodden once posed for.
No, I don’t think that’s Photoshopped. Ole dude impaled himself on the pitchfork when he found out he had to pose next to Farrah Abraham.
Farrah Abraham has really come a long way since she claimed that she was violated by her “boyfriend” James Deen “leaking” a “private” “sex tape” she made with him. Farrah went from screaming that her privacy was violated to violating her privates with plaster for a new line of sex toys. And I know that I did you wrong with that picture. If it makes you feel better, the image of Backdoor Farrah wearing a plaster diaper is embedded into my brain too. We’re in this together. Maybe we can split a Skype therapy session.
Right now, Backdoor Farrah has more mold than usual in her fuck parts and that’s because she got a whole lot white sticky stuff smeared all over her ass cheeks, culo hole and coochie at the headquarters of the fourth largest sex toy company in the world Topco Sales. Farrah let film her down low parts getting plastered, because this special moment needs to be captured and because they paid for the cab and promised to buy her lunch at Del Taco afterward. Topco says that they will start selling Farrah’s silicone asshole next year.
I’ve always said that you got to strike while the freshly fucked asshole is hot, so I can’t blame or judge Farrah for making more money by selling a line of plastic products that will have as many brain cells as she does. But I can judge every ho who buys a mold of Farrah’s parts. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of silicone anuses and vagines on the market, so why would you want to buy Farrah’s?! You know, now that I think about, a mold of Farrah’s parts wouldn’t make a good sex toy, but it would make an excellent security system.
Just put all of your valuables in your Backdoor Farrah mold and leave your house knowing that they’re safe. If a thief decides to stick his hand in your Backdoor Farrah mold to get to your valuables, he’ll find out that he made the wrong decision when his hand is ripped off of his arm and is never seen from again. Farrah should really put that on the box. That’s a major selling point. And no, I have no idea how you’d get your valuables back.
Farrah Abraham is already destined to become the Dame Judi Dench of her generation and now she’s destined to be feminism’s greatest hero. Sorry, Gloria Steinem, you had a good run. Allie Conti of The Miami New Times (via Radar) interviewed Backdoor Farrah and quickly found out that she would’ve gotten more intelligent answers out of a factory-defected silicone implant.
Farrah talked to The Miami New Times to whore out some club night she’s hosting for Vivid and so Allie brought up her porn debut and asked how her “sex tape” came to be. Farrah used the explanation of lies that James Deen pulled out of her bottomless coochie box on her sex tape. Farrah says that she was dating James Deen when he butt fucked her on camera and he betrayed her trust by leaking the tape. Yes, ho still thinks everyone is as dumb as her. Allie said that it was really shitty (pun intended, I’m sure) of James to do that and then she followed that up by bringing up feminism.
It sounds pretty shitty that he went behind your back and leaked your personal tape. Do you consider yourself a feminist?
I’m pretty feminine. I think so.
Not feminine — feminist.
What does that mean, you’re a lesbian or something?
No, that’s not what I’m asking at all.
What context are you saying it in?
It’s a complicated concept, but I guess at it’s most basic, it means that women are equal to men.
Oh, I definitely feel that women are equal to men. No doubt about that. I mean women should have equal rights to men, every day
AHAHAHAHAHA! You can practically hear the rocks in her head rub together and turn to sand. Just when I think that Farrah has reached the pinnacle of dumbness and can’t possibly get any dumber, she grabs a ladder and goes even higher. When Ryan Lochte wants to feel smart for a second, he reads a Farrah Abraham interview.
And here’s the most powerful voice in feminism posing for the paps in Fort Lauderdale, FL today.
“Why didn’t I see this while casting the title role of Blue Jasmine?!” is what Woody Allen is going to say to himself after seeing Farrah Abraham’s audition for the role of a hooker named Destiny (a tribute to Miley?) in an episode of Days of Our Lives. A few months ago, Farrah sent in this audition tape and even though it was perfect from beginning to end, she didn’t get the role. The producers didn’t cast her in the role of a pussy peddler, because they knew her performance would upstage the regulars.
In the 3-minute-long audition tape, Farrah Abraham, who didn’t graduate from Juilliard, gives an emotionally raw performance and makes the powerful choice to give Destiny a rare disorder where the person affected can only say words 10 seconds after reading them off of a cell phone. The most powerful part is from 2:30 to 2:50. There will be a remake of Ghost and Farrah will play the Demi Moore role, because nobody can slap the air like she can.
But seriously, Farrah looks as alive as a cracked anal bead and the Lucite dildo she squirted on in her porn debut showed more emotion than she did during this audition. That being said, I’ve seen Days of Our Lives and I’m surprised they didn’t cast her.
And if you need more of Farrah’s impeccable acting skills, here she is acting with a non-ghost in the lobby of a brothel ran by a grandma:
I’m guessing that the host of Matty P’s Radio Happy Hour asked Teen Mom Farrah about the Trayvon Martin situation, because he knows she’s as dumb as the shit stain on a soft dick and would spit out some truly stupid crap. Backdoor Farrah didn’t disappoint. When the host asked Farrah what she thought of the Trayvon Martin case, whatever is left of her brain flatlined when she said this:
“I feel like I’ve met her or something. It sounds so familiar. I don’t know what she is so I can’t picture the person with the name right now.”
In Farrah’s defense, it’s almost impossible to watch CNN when your head is shoved all the way up your culo, and she knows as much about Trayvon Martin as Juror b37 does. But the joke will be on us when we find out that the porn Farrah just shot features an anal strap-on scene with a porn star named Dre Von Martini.
Backdoor Farrah has already checked off “leak your own
sex tape porn,” “give a tabloid a picture of you getting your tits done again,” “get into a feud with a fellow mess” and “assault the ears of the people with your life-ruining music” from the How To Stay Famous When You’ve Got The Talent Of A Sloth’s Dingle checklist and now she can check off something else!
Radar says that yesterday, Farrah Abraham started a 10-day outpatient program at the Lukens Institute (aka the rehab center of choice for fame whores) in Palm Beach Gardens, FL, because she was guzzling down the sweet nectar a little too much and also because people stopped talking about her for a second. Farrah was put on probation for 6 months and had to complete an alcohol education course after she pleaded guilty to DUI. Backdoor Farrah tells Radar that getting caught driving drunk really ruined her life and she’s going to rehab to deal with that, or something:
“At this time in my life, I need to stay focused on the positive to get through all of the negative that a DUI has caused in my life. I’m 22 and I want to make better choices and ensure I can recognize when I am putting myself in a bad situation next time.”
Farrah’s 4-year-old daughter Sophia will stay with Farrah’s dad while she goes through the $12,000 program.
What a sad excuse for a fame whore. Farrah, as always, is doing it all wrong. Doesn’t she know that she isn’t supposed to pull out the rehab card until Vh1 brings back Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab? This bitch is squirting her entire load out way too fast. Every fame whore knows that you’re supposed to let the publicity stunts trickle out slowly. In the past year, bitch has been arrested for DUI, leaked her own butt porn, said a bunch of dumb shit and got plastic surgery. Farrah is running out of shit to shock us with. What’s next? Turn lesbian with Tan Mom for a second, elope with Michael Lohan or do something really shocking like read a Little Golden Book without sounding out the words.
Oh, Feya, Feya, Feya… If only she and James Deen pulled out a clue when they stuck their fingers into her bottomless box of tricks.
Here’s Farrah showing off her new and not-improved Tupperware titty balls in Las Vegas last month.
Charlie Sheen loves whores and Farrah Abraham loves publicity any way she can get it, so naturally the two were drawn to each other like a moth to a flame that’s really butt sex. Charlie and Backdoor Farrah met at some event and she immediately started texting him afterward to meet up for a play date (translation: ass sex in the pool while the nanny takes the kids to the park), coffee (translation: coffee enemas… and then ass sex) or whatever (translation: ass sex, lots of ass sex). Like I said two seconds ago, Farrah loves publicity, so she gave those texts to TMZ, because a porno camouflaged as a sex tape isn’t going to sell itself. Charlie didn’t like Farrah leaking his texts to the media and when Charlie gets mad, Charlie gets hilarious. Charlie dragged and dragged Farrah in a letter, which I’m guessing either she or Charlie leaked to TMZ. I thought I’d never type this after seeing Backdoor Farrah squirt in her porno (I can never look at tuna water in a can the same way again), but I am so glad she leaked this if she did, because this is a coke booger covered in gold. Take it away, Charlie.
hey, you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua;
I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn.
your daughter must be so proud.
please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. the world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life.
oh and I’m sure they’ll wave the cover charge when they see your tranny-boobs and five o’clock shadow.
So poetic. So beautiful. It’s something William Blake would’ve written if William Blake smoked so much crack that it ate most of his brains away. Charlie should not only put out a book of poems called “Pedestrian Troposphere of Lame-Suck” but he should also sell a perfume called “Stagnant Douche Agua.”
I guess Farrah is a certified porn star now that she’s been nailed by Charlie Sheen. Charlie tore her a new one and now her backdoor has been upgraded to French doors. But even after all that, you know Charlie still would.
The shamelessness of it all! Can somebody check to see if Farrah Abraham’s born name is Karrat Kardashian, because there’s a good chance that she might be the spawn of Pimp Mama Kris. Farrah’s fame whoring knows no bounds and nothing is off limits. We’ve already seen Backdoor Ferret with a culo full of 8 inches and we’ve seen 8 fingers go into her crotch bag of tricks, and now we get to see her with a different kind of tube down her throat. The truth is, I’m not shocked. If Farrah really wanted to shock us all, she’d tweet a picture of her writing the correct answer to a simple math problem on a chalkboard.
InTouch (via Zap2It) says that on May 31st, Farrah went back under a plastic surgeon’s knife to trade in her C-cup saline bags for D-cup silicone bags. Farrah thought that her old tits were too soft and felt like “water balloons.” TOO SOFT? Water balloons? More like water balloons full of hardened concrete. If all the natural disasters hit Farrah’s old tits at once, they would not move. I’ve seen stone statues that look softer than Farrah’s tits did. Even though Farrah’s first fake chichis looked like a nuclear plant in San Diego, she went to the same plastic surgeon for her second tit job. Farrah says she loves her bigger titty bags and doesn’t plan on going any bigger. They still look like halved bowling balls to me, but I’m not the one who has stick them out while posing in a staged bikini photo shoot.
And here’s that picture of Farrah on the operating table. Click it to see the full version. Get your fingers ready, because you’ll want to right click + save that mess to use as your iPhone wallpaper.
On a positive note, she looks more full of life there than she does in her porn.
Just a few minutes into Teen Mom Farrah’s porn debut in Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, she tells James Deen that she needs to run downstairs to get the lube, because she wants to get into some ass play. (Who knew that backdoor teen moms are just like John Travolta, because that’s exactly what he says five minutes into a massage.) Farrah tells James that it’s been so long since a dick has come a’knocking on her backdoor and when he asks, “Really? When was the last time?”, her dumb ass says, “This is my first time!” (Side note: I hate myself for typing “a dick has come a’knocking on her backdoor,” because it made me think of the Three’s Company theme song. Now, all day I’ll be singing to myself, “Come on fuck my backdoor, stick your dick in some poo…” Actually, I sing that every day, all day anyway, but you know…)
Guess what? That wasn’t the first time Teen Mom Farrah’s culo hole has been poked by a peen. During an interview with The Dirty’s Nik Richie about her porn, he asked her why she skipped coochie sex and went straight to butt sex in her tape. There’s a good reason for why the close-up on Farrah’s b-hole during her anal sex scene reminds me of that scene in The Descent when Sarah falls down a black hole of doom. Farrah loves butt sex, has had butt sex tons of time and got her butt cherry popped when she was just 15. Nik and Farrah’s conversation about her love of backdoor banging went like this:
Nik: For a girl that doesn’t have sex a lot, all of a sudden you’re like, “I want anal“?
Farrah: I’ve had anal before.
Nik: And you like it?
Farrah: I do!
Nik: Number one choice? Like that’s what you want to do?
Farrah: Why not? I had anal before I had “real” sex. Like if you want to know sexual history, I mean, I can choose whatever I want.
Nik: I do want to know your sexual history.
Farrah: This is a little bit weird, but if you want to go there… That’s how I feel. Why can’t I do whatever I want? I can hang from a monkey bar and do sex up there first if I wanted to.
Nik: But you’re telling me you had anal before you had actual “real” sex.
Farrah: In my real life.
Nik: From Derek or from someone else? Farrah: I had anal with somebody else.
Nik: At what age?
Farrah: 15. Then I started dating Derek and then having, like, real sex.
Nik: And you enjoyed anal more?
Farrah: I did.
Why does Nik Richie keep on getting on Farrah about ass sex? He should be encouraging her to only have ass sex. It’s better for humanity if Backdoor Ferret only gets it in the butt, because then she won’t procreate! (Unless she has ass sex with Lil’ Wayne, because his super mutant sperm are equipped with GPS devices and will find a way to get to her ovaries.)
And I cannot discuss this anymore due to conflict of interest in butt sex.
via Hollywood Life
Teen Mom Farrah could be nice to the tattered, bruised and battered half brain cell inside of her head if she just came out and kept it truthful by saying, “I got dicked in the culo on camera for fame and money. The end.“
But Teen Mom Farrah keeps overworking that half brain cell by coming up with crap excuses and reasons for why she took a James Deen dick up the butt in front of a camera. Farrah Abraham told Entertainment Tonight that she did the tape for her own private use, because she has no friends and has a sad a lot of the time:
“I have no relationships and I’m, like, sad sometimes. So taking all this into consideration, which some find it hard to, that’s what brought me here today. I felt this was my way of embracing my sexuality and being happy for me.”
Thinking is hard, right, Farrah? I’ve seen Farrah’s porn and the extras (I clearly don’t have a life/hate myself) and while I agree with her that butt sex before a jizz facial is Mother Nature’s Prozac, there’s nothing happy about that video. James Deen’s peen is al dente most of the time and he looks like he’d rather be mouth fucking an alligator. Getting butt boned by a dude who clearly hates you is totally chicken soup for the soul. (Read that as “chicken soup for the hole” if you need the perfect lunch time image.)
Feya Abraham goes on to yank dicks by saying that she hired a professional porn star, because she felt he wouldn’t blab about it and her private sex tape would stay private. But then she says that James Deen started running his mouth, so she had no choice but to shop the tape to porn companies. Again, thinking isn’t Farrah’s strongest skill:
“I was under the belief this would help better protect me and my privacy. So I was like, ‘If this guy’s so professional and everything’s going to be fine,’ then I was like, ‘I’m happy with this choice.’ [But Deen] made it like his own thing and that’s why I was like, ‘You know what, let me be one step ahead and let me gain control of my own video again.’ That’s why I was meeting with different adult entertainment companies.”
Farrah said that she’s already put some of the money (more than six figures, she claims) away for her daughter’s education and she’s going to use the rest of the money to open “her restaurants.” But she didn’t want to get into her finances, because she’s “private like that.”
Yes, Farrah continues to think we’re all as dumb in the brains as she is and don’t know how porn works. But I will say that while watching eight fingers pull the missing sock I’ve been looking for out of her steak burrito cooch, I did think to myself, “She’s got some talent!“