The last time Backdoor Farrah’s name was farted up onto this blog, I linked to a post about the picture she posted on Instagram of her 7-year-old daughter Sophia drinking Flat Tummy Tea. Whether she really gave her little daughter laxative tea or she was just trolling for attention, I figured that an agent from CPS would still crash through her ceiling, swoop up Sophia and retreat back up into a getaway helicopter. That didn’t happen, because Farrah is still using her daughter as a prop to get attention. And yes, I’m falling for it, but it’s either post about this wreck or do another damn post about the election.
I know it’s redundant of me to even ask, because we all know that Sue Ellen Mischke from Seinfeld has, is, and forever will always work the bra-under-a-blazer look the best. But Amber Rose is coming in a very close second. We all know that Amber Rose has a habit of bringing ten tons of jaw-dropping eleganza to the MTV VMAs. Sometimes she goes straight-up stripper, other times she keeps it a little more demure. This year she went tasteful and sophisticated with just a hint of “Oh, these?”
It looks like Farrah Abraham is going for another “Mother” of the Decade award. (I can’t with good conscience call her a mother without using quotation marks.) This time it has to do with Farrah getting into a fight with an elementary school principal over her decision to send her 7-year-old daughter Sophia to school in a face full of child-grade spackle.
If for some reason someone asks what me Twitter is for, I’m going to show them the fight between Backdoor Farrah and Nicki Minaj. Because that’s what Twitter is for. It’s a place for messy tricks to fight for favorites, or likes, or hearts, or whatever the hell we’re calling it now.
It all started when Nicki called Farrah a “cunt” while watching Teen Mom. Backdoor Farrah jumped in and they tweet slapped at each other for a little bit before Nicki tapped out. Backdoor Farrah continued to fight by herself, and yesterday she solidified herself as a serious contender for Parent of the Decade when she got her 6-year-old daughter Sophia Abraham to trash talk Nicki on Twitter.
For those of you who don’t have kids, you should be warned that this clip may speed up your biological clock, because there’s some really heartwarming about watching a little girl say the words her piece of trash mom made her say on the Twitter account her piece of trash mom set up for attention. I feel like I missed out a little as a child, because my mom never used me to fight her stupid battles for her. I’ll bring that up with her the next time I get drunk and decide to share my ~feelings~.
— Sophia Abraham (@SophiaLAbraham) January 12, 2016
Yeah, Backdoor Farrah made her 6-year-old call someone a loser on Twitter. Little Sophia should’ve gotten the Donald Trump campaign to sponsor that tweet, because her future therapy bills are already adding up and she’s going to need the money. Speaking of Trump, Farrah making her child call someone a loser tells me that she should be his running mate. Trump/Abraham 2016!
Warning: If you’re the type of person who is prone to getting headaches that are triggered by a puppet-looking rapper and a puppet-looking (insert whatever Farrah’s job title is) screaming at each other on Twitter, then you might want to go grab a whole handful of extra-strength ibuprofens before you continue to read any further.
Today’s “Jesus Take The Twitter” moment begins with Nicki Minaj. According to TMZ, Nicki decided to shit on Farrah Abraham’s parenting skills after watching an episode of Teen Mom. But rather than do it with her friends in a group text that ends with everyone receiving a picture of Farrah’s plastic IKEA funnel boobs (like the rest of us), Nicki did it on Twitter.
All together now: Backdoor Farrah’s kid has fans?? Even Goofy looks like he’s responding to that with an “HOL” (H’yuck out loud) in the picture above.
So, according to mother of the decade write-in candidate Farrah Abraham, it’s important for her six-year-old daughter Sophia to be an empathetic person and she’s teaching her how just like the rest of our parents did: by forcing her to do meet-and-greets with the legions of fans who wait hours to see her. Farrah’s Parenting 101 lesson happened over at Cosmopolitan, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before it shows up in some pediatrician’s thesis, because it’s obviously the next big thing in child development.
“Sophia is so quick to be like, ‘I don’t wanna take a photo,’ or, ‘I don’t really want to talk to them.’ She’s loving and she’s kind and she’s giving, and I understand that there’s a lot of people on us a lot of time and it’s a lot of giving, but I also want her to know that these people probably waited hours to meet her. These people traveled a whole day to get here. So it’s just really helping her be more, I guess, empathetic, with her fans, and really knowing what they’re going through to meet her.”
I know parenting is a super hard job and that Farrah is trying to be the best damn 40% medical grade plastic mommy she can be (see: Farrah heroically sacrificing $600 from her vaginal Botox fund and giving it to her daughter when she lost her two front teeth). But really, she doesn’t have to teach Sophia what empathy is by taking selfies with strangers; she already knows! Sophia learned what empathy was the first time she told someone who her mother was, and they responded by giving her a big hug and an “I’m so so sorry, honey.”