If for some reason someone asks what me Twitter is for, I’m going to show them the fight between Backdoor Farrah and Nicki Minaj. Because that’s what Twitter is for. It’s a place for messy tricks to fight for favorites, or likes, or hearts, or whatever the hell we’re calling it now.
It all started when Nicki called Farrah a “cunt” while watching Teen Mom. Backdoor Farrah jumped in and they tweet slapped at each other for a little bit before Nicki tapped out. Backdoor Farrah continued to fight by herself, and yesterday she solidified herself as a serious contender for Parent of the Decade when she got her 6-year-old daughter Sophia Abraham to trash talk Nicki on Twitter.
For those of you who don’t have kids, you should be warned that this clip may speed up your biological clock, because there’s some really heartwarming about watching a little girl say the words her piece of trash mom made her say on the Twitter account her piece of trash mom set up for attention. I feel like I missed out a little as a child, because my mom never used me to fight her stupid battles for her. I’ll bring that up with her the next time I get drunk and decide to share my ~feelings~.
— Sophia Abraham (@SophiaLAbraham) January 12, 2016
Yeah, Backdoor Farrah made her 6-year-old call someone a loser on Twitter. Little Sophia should’ve gotten the Donald Trump campaign to sponsor that tweet, because her future therapy bills are already adding up and she’s going to need the money. Speaking of Trump, Farrah making her child call someone a loser tells me that she should be his running mate. Trump/Abraham 2016!
Warning: If you’re the type of person who is prone to getting headaches that are triggered by a puppet-looking rapper and a puppet-looking (insert whatever Farrah’s job title is) screaming at each other on Twitter, then you might want to go grab a whole handful of extra-strength ibuprofens before you continue to read any further.
Today’s “Jesus Take The Twitter” moment begins with Nicki Minaj. According to TMZ, Nicki decided to shit on Farrah Abraham’s parenting skills after watching an episode of Teen Mom. But rather than do it with her friends in a group text that ends with everyone receiving a picture of Farrah’s plastic IKEA funnel boobs (like the rest of us), Nicki did it on Twitter.
All together now: Backdoor Farrah’s kid has fans?? Even Goofy looks like he’s responding to that with an “HOL” (H’yuck out loud) in the picture above.
So, according to mother of the decade write-in candidate Farrah Abraham, it’s important for her six-year-old daughter Sophia to be an empathetic person and she’s teaching her how just like the rest of our parents did: by forcing her to do meet-and-greets with the legions of fans who wait hours to see her. Farrah’s Parenting 101 lesson happened over at Cosmopolitan, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before it shows up in some pediatrician’s thesis, because it’s obviously the next big thing in child development.
“Sophia is so quick to be like, ‘I don’t wanna take a photo,’ or, ‘I don’t really want to talk to them.’ She’s loving and she’s kind and she’s giving, and I understand that there’s a lot of people on us a lot of time and it’s a lot of giving, but I also want her to know that these people probably waited hours to meet her. These people traveled a whole day to get here. So it’s just really helping her be more, I guess, empathetic, with her fans, and really knowing what they’re going through to meet her.”
I know parenting is a super hard job and that Farrah is trying to be the best damn 40% medical grade plastic mommy she can be (see: Farrah heroically sacrificing $600 from her vaginal Botox fund and giving it to her daughter when she lost her two front teeth). But really, she doesn’t have to teach Sophia what empathy is by taking selfies with strangers; she already knows! Sophia learned what empathy was the first time she told someone who her mother was, and they responded by giving her a big hug and an “I’m so so sorry, honey.”
Presenting, BatSlut, the superhero who defeats her haters by busting out some graceful poses. She’ll hit you with thirty tons of elegance and make you hit the floor by filling your nostrils with a lacy fart. I bet this is still better than Ben Affleck’s Batman and that was served without one drop of sarcasm. And hmmm, where have I seen that pose before?
Life & Style threw a Halloween party in L.A. last night, and obviously it brought out the shiniest and biggest stars in the A-list universe. “Did I stumble into the Oscars without knowing it?” is what one party ho was heard saying after they laid eyes on Natalie Nunn from the Bad Girls Club (seen above as BatBitch) and two ex-Real Housewives. Life & Style’s Halloween party wasn’t just a gathering of the finest jewels in Hollywood, it was also where Backdoor Farrah debuted her third pair of silicone titty sacks. I find it hard to believe that Backdoor Farrah just got a boob job recently, because it looks like she finally said “fuck it” and told her plastic surgeon to replace any natural parts on her body with man-made materials. Backdoor Farrah’s blow-up doll looks more natural and alive than she does.
And here’s more pictures of the party where LeAnn Rimes was the biggest “star” there.
Backdoor Farrah And Janice Dickinson Were Evicted From Celebrity Big Brother, But They’re Still Bringing The Messiness
While in the Celebrity Big Brother UK house, Backdoor Farrah threatened to commit mass murder over a broken flip-flop and she fought every chance she got. Well, Farrah was evicted from the house last week and she’s still bringing her signature brand of crazy bitch drama to show. Both Jenna Jameson and Janice Dickinson were evicted last night and they joined Backdoor Farrah on the Celebrity Big Brother after-show Bit On The Side. The show ended with Backdoor Farrah getting kicked out the backdoor after shit got violent. That all sounds about right.
Tila Tequila Has Already Been Kicked Out Of The Celebrity Big Brother House For Being A Hitler Sympathizer Once
I just love it when a picture gives you several options for you to label as “My Thoughts Exactly.” Do you go with the thumbs down on the left or do you go with the bored lady on the right who’s thinking to herself, “This
For the next few weeks, every event in Hollywood will be severely lacking in A-list stars, because many of them are over in England doing Celebrity Big Brother. CBB is doing a UK vs. US theme this season and the American cast includes: Tila Tequila, Backdoor Farrah, Jenna Jameson, Daniel Baldwin, Austin Armacost (from The A-List: New York), Fatman Scoop and Janice Dickinson. I know, it’s amazing that the walls of the CBB house didn’t immediately topple over from the massive force of all of that star power. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time, but the walls are feeling a little less pressure today, because Tila Tequila has been kicked out.
When I was a kid (Side note: A white hair appears in my ear every time I type “When I was a kid…“), I got $1, if that, for every tooth and $2 for molars from the Tooth Fairy. But well, I guess when you add inflation and a shit mom who needs to buy her child’s love, you get $300 a toof!
Porn star, Christian author, vagina mold mogul, ear drum assaulter, walking billboard for tragic plastic surgery, reality show trick and Mother of the Century Farrah Abraham tweeted a picture of her 6-year-old daughter Sophia posing in front of a treasure trove of gifts from the Tooth Fairy. For just two front teeth, Sophia got six $100 bills, jewelry from Claire’s and a sequined purse. Sophia must be a seriously heavy sleeper, because how in the hell did she not wake up when the Tooth Fairy slipped that purse under her pillow?
Farrah shared the picture with her followers, because she’s Fame Whore Farrah and if the moment isn’t captured on camera, it didn’t happen. Also, Farrah worked her ass and coochie off (I was going to add “mouth,” but we’ve all seen her beej skills) for that money so why not show it off?
— Farrah Abraham (@F1abraham) July 12, 2015
Don’t spend it all in one place, Sophia…. Unless that one place is called “future therapy fund,” then okay. But seriously…
Farrah is dumb for broadcasting this to the world, because now the scammers are going to trick her and it’s not hard. Farrah probably forgets what her daughter looks like since they’re usually doing their own thing. So scam artists are going to put on a brown wig, black out a few teeth with a Sharpie, make fake fallen teeth out of Styrofoam, get on their knees and walk up to Farrah to say, “Hello mother. It is I, your daughter Sophia. I lost three teeth. That will be $900 please.” Farrah will pull out a stack of hundreds and since she can’t count, she’ll just hand the wad over. It’s the perfect con!
I’m talking about the lips on her mouth. No word yet on her other lips.
Wannabe porn star/Christian author/Mother of the Century/Black Belt Fame Whore, Farrah Abraham, made every crested macaque’s proctologist think to themselves, “Hmmm, where have I seen that before?“, when she tweeted pictures of her “power bottom’s b-hole after a 10-hour pass around orgy” lips. Farrah claimed that she had some kind of allergic reaction while getting an implant installed in her lips. In case you blocked it out (although, I know it’s your iPhone’s wallpaper), here’s the picture of Farrah’s terrifying Leela from Futurama Cosplay.
Over the weekend, Backdoor Farrah hosted some event at The Scene Nightclub in Long Island and her lips didn’t look as busted. Farrah would sell her daughter to pirates if it meant she’d get a small blurb in InTouch Weekly, so some of us guessed that she purposefully screwed herself up to get on the E! reality show Botched. Pat yourself on the taint if you guessed that. You’re probably right. You really know your shameless fame whores.
RumorFix posted a picture of Farrah meeting with Dr. Terry Dubrow and Dr. Paul Nasiff while shooting an episode of Botched. This trick is a wreck. She didn’t even need to inject a can of Fix-A-Flat into her mouth to get on botched. She could’ve left her lips alone and asked them to fix her botched brain instead. I wonder what Farrah will do next to get on TV?
She’ll marry a gay mormon to get on My Husband’s Not Gay. She’ll gain 200 pounds to get on The Biggest Loser. She’ll get de-lengthening surgery on her legs to get on The Little Couple. She’ll get duck lips again so she can go on Duck Dynasty. And after all of that, she’ll finally be committed and star in TLC’s Tales From The Mental Ward. Surprisingly, TLC doesn’t have a show called Tales From The Mental Ward….yet.
Dear Kylie Jenner, if you don’t stop, this is going to be you real soon. Kylie Jenner probably knows that already since she’s seen this terrifying look up close and in person before.
It’s been a while since professional fame whore Backdoor Farrah has done something solely for attention. So she made up for lost time today by tweeting two pictures of her mouth job gone wrong. Farrah went to get her lips done and she ended up looking like a piranha with a massive overbite after getting beat down with a shovel. I think most ladies know that letting a back alley plastic surgeon fill your lips with foam insulation never turns out well, but Farrah warned all the ladies anyway:
Girlfriends don’t say I didn’t warn ya ! #BOTCHED California #ER #fixit
TMZ says that Farrah was getting a new procedure where the doctor puts an implant in your lips. It’s supposed to be cheaper than fillers because you don’t have to get it done all the time. Farrah claims that she researched the procedure and the doctor beforehand. That was her first mistake. Farrah should have let her daughter or someone else with more than 2 working brain cells do the research for her. Farrah thinks that her lips blew up after she had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. It’s possible that the implant was defective too. Whatever the case may be, Farrah now looks like she went to the plastic surgeon, showed them a picture of her butt lips and said, “Make the lips on my face look like this too!” I’m all for peen sucking lips but I don’t think the lips are supposed to be bigger than the peen.
The use of the hashtag #BOTCHED makes me think that she did this on purpose to get on E!’s Botched. The answer to the question “Would Farrah Abraham go so low as to purposefully screw up her face to get on a reality show?” is: It’s Farrah Abraham.
Farrah also made fun of herself on Twitter by comparing herself to Leela from Futurama. Leela is currently in the process of suing Farrah for defamation.
And here’s another picture to stare at if you don’t want to sleep tonight:
You know, this can easily be fixed. All Farrah has to do is get a pair of extra chunky eyebrows tattooed on her face and she’d look seven shades of stunning. Jordan James Parke knows what I’m talking about.
Christian author, reality trash, porn trick, yogurt maker, mother of every year and rubber asshole mogul Farrah Abraham is now shaking her concrete ball tits for dollars at the Palazio Gentlemen’s Club in Austin, TX. E! News says that Backdoor Farrah started out as a cocktail waitress, but that lasted for about six seconds when she realized she could make more money stripping. If Farrah dances like she screws, then she probably moves like a sloth on Ambien, and since men would definitely throw money at a sloth on Ambien if it showed them its tits, she’s making a lot of money. But Backdoor Farrah wouldn’t be Backdoor Farrah if she didn’t reach into a bull’s dirty ass and pull out a bullshit excuse for why she’s stripping. Surprisingly, Backdoor Farrah didn’t say that she lives at the Palazio and she can’t believe that a bunch of strange men are violating her by throwing money at her while she dances naked in the privacy of her own home. Instead, Farrah said that she’s doing research just like Jennifer Aniston. That’s your cue to go to your refrigerator, get out a giant plastic tub of whipped Bitch, Please, scoop a spoonful out and prepare to fling it at this mess with butt plug dust for brains.
“I’m doing research. A friend of mine works there and I’m researching. I’ve been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman’s club, including cocktailing and dancing. There’s management and there’s cooking too. It’s job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that’s what I’m doing. It’s how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I’m not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I’m interested in hearing all the women’s stories. And while I’m doing it, I’m getting paid. I’m getting paid to play a role and get informed.”
That’s a good line actually. The next time you get caught by the police sucking dick under the bridge (which I know happens to you all the time), just tell them, “Officer, I’m doing research for a book I’m writing about sucking dick under bridges.” The next time my mom throws me a cold judgmental side-eye for smelling like weed, I’ll tell her that I’m just doing research for the role of a nonsensical stoned blogger that I “play” 24 hours a day.
But really, Farrah’s daughter is probably wondering when she’s going to do research for her book about how to be a good mom by actually being a good mom. No! Farrah’s daughter doesn’t care. She’s busy doing her own thing.