I’m mad that there’s no VCT (visible camel toe), because I really want to see their sparkly camel toes do the Kid ‘n Play dance together.
Some dude with a name like a mid-level law firm (or a name like a Wilson Phillips cover band that only sings Chynna’s parts) won American Idol last night, because easily impressed teenage girls who lose their minds over white boys with guitars are the only tricks voting for that shit, but who cares about that when we’ve got Fantasia and Chaka Khan defying the laws of Spandex and sequins. With the help of an industrial-strength sausage caser, Fantasia and Chaka squeezed into catsuits and showed those amateur whores how suffocating-crotch-glamour is really done. Chaka wins this catsuit fever battle, because she’s Chaka and wins almost everything, but Fantasia gave her a run for her Cameflage. Fantasia looked like a giant gay eel trying to swallow Verdine White whole. Fantasia split that catsuit up the side, because she knows she’s way too much for it to handle and didn’t want it to overexert itself later. That was nice of Fanny.
Wearing that catsuit almost makes me forgive ‘Tasia for putting that discount Halloween store Morticia wig on her head. Almost. And here’s a few more pictures including some of Fantasia flashing her coma titties on the red carpet. Yes, Cher worked that look better almost 40 years ago, but I can’t hate Fantasia for trying.
The skin on Fantasia’s left arm is shivering today, because it’s only a matter of time before she gets the face of her second baby friend tattooed on there. (Sidenote: I never understood why people get the faces of their children, mother, father or any other relative tattooed on their arm? Do you really want to look down at your child’s face while you’re giving a handjob? That’ll mess up your rhythm and then you’ll have to start all over again.)
Fanny birthed out a son in North Carolina sometime yesterday and she isn’t saying who the daddy is, but Aunt Bunny and I know the father is that married trash she picked up in a T-Mobile store. GWORL PLEE! As soon as Fanny caught her breath after hollering out a billion breaths during labor (you know that bitch gets EXTRA during labor), she let out this statement to People:
Baby Dallas made his debut on Tuesday in North Carolina at 7 lbs., 9 oz. and 21 inches long. He joins big sister Zion, 10.
“I feel so blessed that my son Dallas Xavier was born healthy, and is a wonderful new addition to our family. I thank all my fans for their well wishes and continued support.”
I was half-expecting Fanny to name her son Fave Five after where she met his daddy, so the name “Dallas Xavier” is pretty tame. But still. What has Dallas done to deserve this kind of treatment this year? First came A-List: Dallas (fuckery punch #1), then came Khloe & Lamar moving to Dallas (fuckery punch #2) and now this?! At a courthouse in Texas somewhere, you can probably find Dallas trying to change its name to Sallad. Actually, Sallad is a really good baby name.
Production for the Mahalia Jackson biopic starring Fantasia was supposed to start any day now, but then a little thing called “Fanny’s ovaries eating up the sperm fish of a married douche” happened and everything was pushed back. Instead of recasting the role with a more worthy talent like Quween of the Scene or Aretha Franklin’s right nipple (her left one is a total cuntrod to work with), the producers are waiting for Fantasia to push out the baby and are allowing her vagina to fully recover from birth trauma before they go back into production. But Jesus be the mighty fist of one of Mahalia Jackson’s cousins, dragging Fanny by the weave out of her trailer to throw her demonized soul into a circle of salt poured by the God Warrior.
Page Six reports that the estate of Mahalia Jackson is asking the producers to drop Fanny, because they feel that an unwed heathen who made a child with a married man will dirty the pristine image of a religious and noble woman like Mahalia Jackson. One source said, “The family thinks if Fantasia plays the role, it’s going to sully the name of Mahalia. They think she’s got the wrong image, having a child out of wedlock.”
The producers are also upset, because Fantasia lied to them and said that she was packing on the chunk for the role when she was really packing on baby weight. The producers are considering replacing Fanny with Missy Elliot, who is obviously the epitome of moral beacon, if she can’t start shooting in January.
A rep from Mahalia Jackson’s estate only said this about the biopic and Fanny:
“I’m not really aware of any objections that the heirs have to the casting of Fantasia. I understand that they were getting ready to film and that she is pregnant, and I don’t know who is she pregnant by.”
Not wanting Fantasia to play Mahalia because she’s growing another wedlock baby in her womb is some ridiculous shit since every single person in Hollywood has birthed out a wedlock baby. Every single one of them. I’m sure every single ho in Mahalia’s family has too. Who hasn’t birthed a wedlock baby? I’m birthing one right now. That is not a valid reason. A valid reason for not wanting Fantasia to play Mahalia would be because she couldn’t even play Fantasia in the Fantasia biopic and was upstaged by stage barf. That is a valid reason.
Mahalia’s family just needs to go to the producers and say the words: upstaged by stage barf. The next sound you’d hear is the sound of the producers getting Aretha Franklin’s right nipple on the line.
When pictures of Fantasia with a swole gut full of something came out last month, she tried to say that she was putting the chunk on her body to play Mahalia Jackson in a biopic. Well, you can officially add the “I’m playing Mahalia Jackson in a biopic” excuse to your list of “what to tell nosy hos when your fetus sack is starting to grow.” Because at a charity concert for the opening of an apartment complex in Jacksonville, FL yesterday, Fanny announced that she’s got a God-given baby in her womb.
You know what perfect is? Perfect is Fanny announcing at the opening of an apartment complex in Florida that the married dick she met at a T-Mobile store knocked her up. Throw in two audience members bitch fighting over a few complimentary pens and you’ve got my kind of pregnancy announcement! Really, you almost expect Tyler Perry to come out on stage and take a bow for writing this mess.
For a while I walked around figuring out what will they say and what will they think about me. But now I tell you I don’t live my life for folk.
This child that I am carrying…… God has given me this child. And I don’t have to hide it from none of y’all.
Fanny hasn’t said who the father is, but you really don’t need Maury to tell you that the seed that made her fetus came from Antwaun Cook. Fanny was knocked up with Antwaun’s baby last year, but she had an abortion after she tried offing herself because his wife sued her for wrecking their home.
My favorite part is Fanny saying that God gifted her with that child. Listen, bitch, just because that dick makes you cum halos and holler so loud that it makes the angels’ clits quiver doesn’t give you the right to call Antwaun’s peen “God.” God is washing his hands (with spermicide) of this. Something that Antwaun should’ve done to his rubber-covered dick before he went balls deep.
And I think I speak for all of us when I say that our feelings about this Not Going To End Well shit are best expressed through the eloquent words of Aunt Bunny:
When Fantasia’s name was read as the winner of the Best Female Pop Vocal Grammy earlier this month, she did not take the stage to accept, and she didn’t even send her brother Teeny to grab the trophy in her place before mumbling about how he’s working an album in his recording studio/guest bathroom. Nothing. Fantasia later gave a completely ridiculous reason for why she didn’t show up. Bitch’s ass got chapped, because the Grammy producers did not ask her to sing during the Aretha Franklin tribute. Fanny told BET that Aretha is her idol and she should’ve been on that stage hollerin’ the steady out of Xtina’s feet.
USA Today asked Aretha what she thinks about Fanny’s excuse and well, when The Queen speaks:
“I was sorry to hear that Fantasia was upset because she did not get the opportunity to participate in my Grammy Tribute this year. I recall that in the past, Fantasia participated in both my MusicCares Person of the Year Tribute and my United Negro College Fund Tribute. Fantasia is still young in the business and although we all love and appreciate her she must understand that in this business of show business she will not always get to participate in everything she would like participate in. I’m sure it was not an intentional omission. I will see Fantasia over the summer here in Detroit.”
This is Aretha’s polite way of saying that she has chafe sores under her magnificent chichis that are older than Fantasia. So Fanny needs to take a fucking seat at the children’s table and eat every piece of STFU on the plate Aretha prepared just for her.
Today, nepotism smells like Molly McButter flakes, burnt aluminum foil, open finger sores from Photoshopping for hours and Badgley Mischka’s saliva on Demi Moore’s ass lips. Here’s Rumer Willis’ first ads as the new chin of Badgley Mischka! You know, Badgley and/or Mischka can say that they chose Rumer because she’s “a unique beauty” who “breathes new life into their brand”, but the real truth is that if she didn’t slide out of Demi Moore’s cooch, she wouldn’t have gotten the job. But Rumer is collecting a check and you know I’m a strong supporter of that, so….
I guess this means it won’t be long before Noah Cyrus is named as the new face of Frederick’s of Hollywood and one of JLo’s twins becomes Donatella Versace’s new muse.