(Note: You may be thinking that Kylie Jenner’s leg scar is from where Pimp Mama Kris removed her soul and shoved in a giant plastic ass during her koming-of-age ritual, and you’re probably right, but she says it’s from a childhood accident.)
It’s a sad week for ick nast creeps. Jared Fogle found out he’s going to prison for at least 13 years and now Tyga has been dumped by the only reason why most of us know that he exists. Tyga is probably going to have to change the lyrics in that barf-inducing song of his from “she a big girl, dawg, when she stimulated” to “she a big girl, dawg, when she dumps my ass,” because E! says that Wite Chyna and the human turtle queef have broken up after being a thing for a year.
Tyga threw himself a 26th birthday party at some club last night and his Kim K klone piece wasn’t there and it wasn’t because her underage ass couldn’t get in. Pimp Mama Kris, I mean, a source, tells E! that they’re on a break. Don’t worry, parents, you don’t have to hide your teen daughters just yet, because Tyga is not on the prowl for a new girlfriend right now.
“They are on a break. They were just a week or so ago talking about ‘ever after’ and things got messy this past week. Kylie wants time to just be by her self and do her. Tyga is not giving up as that’s his one and only lady.”
But another source (PMK’s cell phone was really busy today) tells TMZ that Kylie dumped Tyga because of something he did and “pressure” from her family. Hmm… I wonder what that something is? Here are a few guesses:
1. Tyga told Kylie Jenner she looked prettier without 46 pounds of paint slapped onto her face.
2. The something he didn’t do is make more money and he got outbid by a richer dude PMK found.
3. This is all just another PMK-produced stunt and is setting the stage for Tyga leaking a sex tape as an act of revenge.
Whatever the case may be, I just want to know (no, I don’t) who is getting kustody of their $40,000 dog?! We already know she’s getting custody of the lease payments on the Ferrari her gave her for her birthday.
Pics: Getty, Splash
You can always count on Justin Bieber to give us a Photoshop perfect picture that’s just itching for Usher to be slipped into.
Judging by that picture above, you may be thinking that the Biebs suffered from a severe case of constipation last night and was scared that it would mess with his potty training classes (he’s come so far!), but he wasn’t suffering from the hard shits. After performing during the MTV VMAs, the Biebs bent over and got so emotional. Anybody who sat through his performance cried with him, because they couldn’t believe that they hate themselves enough to sit through that whole thing.
But seriously, the Biebs recreated The Difficult Brown’s “crocodile tears of a d-bag” act, because it’s the perfect way to end his douche redemption tour. Justin was also touched by his own brilliance, his amazing skills in that bootleg Pink acrobat bit, his fortune cookie monologue and his impeccable dancing, which was very “toddler who really has to take a piss while playing Dance Dance Revolution.” Click to the end if you want to see Justin Bieber transform into a real-life Tender Tears Baby Doll.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
Justin also released the video for his new song “What Do You Mean?” last night and I made it about 90 seconds in before I stopped watching. I don’t want to get a visit from the FBI because I watched Justin Bieber hump on some model.
And here’s Justin Bieber working his new wave guinea pig hairstyle last night. He probably thinks he’s giving us Leonardo DiCaprio in the 90s, but he’s really giving us Kate Gosselin if Kate Gosselin was an assistant manager at Urban Outfitters. That hairstyle is also dangerously close to making him look like he’s about to go into an Apple store to scream about how AppleCare told him that he could walk into the store and get the part.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Since Kim Kartrashian has a silicone womb full of her next publicity stunt and Khlozilla trapped her next victim, Kourtney Kartrashian had to come up with her next storyline or Pimp Mama Kris would’ve banished her to the basement where she’d have to spend her days watching Fat Rob dry his tears on a mountain of socks he never sold. So Kourtney decided to dump the father of her 3 kids, Scott Disick, because Pimp Mama Kris always told her: What’s the point of making babies with a man if you’re not going to dump him for the sake of your reality shit show and tabloid coverage?
Kartrashian Kentral (aka E! News) says that the human embodiment of a drool stain broke up with Scott over the Fourth of July weekend. The Slow One is apparently sick of Scott partying all the time and she ended things after seeing pictures of him touching his ex-piece Chloe Bartoli while vacationing in the South of France. Scott is still in Monte Carlo and is telling everybody that he’s single now. “E!’s source” (government name: Kristen Mary Houghton Kardashian Jenner) spilled out this shit about the break-up:
“Kourtney has always taken Scott back and been by his side, but now with three kids it has gotten old. Kourtney has to do what’s best for the kids. Scott has been running around saying he’s single. Kourtney dumped him after she saw the pics [in Monte Carlo] and he hasn’t been home after a month-long party binge.
Kourtney is putting on a brave face, but she is over it. She’s fed up. It’s humiliating and disrespectful. How much more is she supposed to take? Scott does not seem to care about what he’s doing. He’s clearly unraveling. He was a mess in NYC last month with the drinking and partying and he’s been in a downward spiral ever since. He’s been in trouble before, but this is on another level.”
Brave face? I haven’t heard of that kind of facelift. It must be some new shit you can only get done in South America.
I know this devastating and heartbreaking news makes you want to punch your chest while crying on a pile of bloody cherubs who committed suicide over true love being dead, but don’t worry. I’m sure that Scott and Kourtney will get back together as soon as they get the KUWTK script that reads:
That’s emoji for: Shit Head and Sloth Girl get back together. (Like most of her sisters, Kourtney can only read emojis.)
You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
E! said in a press release that every single member of the family (except for Kanye and Rob) will each talk about Bruce’s transition. Bruce executive produced the special, which will splatter against TV screens in a couple of weeks, and he hopes it will help “other families experiencing the same thing.” PMK said in the same release (no, she didn’t) that she hopes the special will “help her family get even more richer and famous.”
What’s most surprising is that this special is coming out weeks after Bruce’s big interview. Pimp Mama Kris’ pimp game is slipping! I would’ve guessed that she would’ve tried to shift the spotlight back to her from Bruce Jenner by airing this special right after his interview. For shame! But you know, it probably wasn’t her fault. The special effects team probably needed some time to add in those CGI tears. I mean, I’m pretty sure PMK can’t cry actual tears anymore, because she had her tear ducts filled with Botox and the souls of her victims a long, long time ago.
And here’s some pictures of PMK and Kendall™ landing in NYC for the Met Gala tonight as well as pictures of Kendall™ and Scott Disick having lunch with George Hamilton (???) and Gigi Hadid’s father last week.
Put on a helmet and brace yourself, because what I’m about to tell you will blow your mind and I don’t want you to spend your Sunday night scraping pieces of your blown mind off of the ceiling and wall. Are you ready? Reality TV is fake. Commencing mind blowing!
Some eyewitness type tells Radar that even those wholesome, do-gooding Duggars are committing the sin of lying by faking shit for storylines. Last month, the Duggars announced on Twitter that they were giving away free food to needy families at the Compassion Center in Springdale, Arkansas. They tweeted the day and time and when that day and time came, nobody showed up. I guess need families in Springdale don’t use Twitter, because not one person was in line. TLC’s cameras were there to shoot the act of charity, but there was no act of charity to shoot since no needy families came. You’d think that Michelle Duggar would think fast and say to one of her married kids, “Get knocked up now, because we need a storyline.” But instead of doing that, a producer for 19 Kids and Counting decided to stage the charity scene.
In a development that’s a surprise to absolutely no one (except for maybe my mom who falls for everything and still asks me when the 9 to 5 sequel called 10 to 6 is coming out even though I already told her that was an April Fool’s post), that video of Dennis Quaid going full asshole cunt on the set of something has turned out to be a STUNT QUEEN hoax. There’s a plot twist, though. The video did not come from the pranking mind of Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel said on his show last night that he had nothing to do with the Quaid quake video. Normally Jimmy’s words hold about as much weight as Lindsay Lohan saying, “I’m really going to try not to fuck up this time. I promise,” but he was telling the truth this one time. Funny or Die claimed this shit.
Dennis Quaid’s choreographed meltdown video was basically a trailer for a Funny or Die sketch about the making of a trailer for a Funny or Die sketch. META! In the skit, Dennis yells at actual horseshit, a dude in a true-to-life sized Hammaconda costume, a bunch of pussies with a staring problem and a real baby. I’d appreciate this video a lot more if Dennis Quaid was topless, because you know his nips swell like a hot clit when he screams.
And now that we know that, when are we going to find out that Randy Quaid’s sex tape was a viral marketing ad for vomiting medication?