There were a lot of faces being pulled in the audience at last night’s Emmy Awards ceremony. Most of the cringing and eye rolling caught on camera (Merritt Wever staring into the camera with the dead eyes of a bored teen, Chrissy Teigen ducking out of way) appeared to be in reaction to Colin Jost’s invisible lips and Michael Che’s invisible charm. But one member of the audience looked like he was having the time of his life. In a surprise appearance, the legendary Teddy Perkins somehow managed to leave his palatial home in Atlanta and fly halfway across the country to attend the ceremony! I didn’t even realize he was still alive. I thought he had choked on a globule of ostrich egg.
I wouldn’t blame you if you forgot that Carrie Underwood supposedly has a new face after fucking up her born-face from a serious fall last November. She had to get 40 to 50 stitches in her face. Carrie made a big announcement about the accident, which made it sound like she had been horribly disfigured. But then a fan caught her at the gym several weeks later and she looked fine with the exception of having what appeared to be a jacked up Doonese hand. A week ago, Carrie posted a picture of herself, in profile, on Instagram. Fans seemed perplexed by her assessment of her injuries as she looked perfectly normal. Of course, it being a profile, her final form was still cloaked in mystery and intrigue. Last night at the ACM Awards (that’s Academy of Country Music Awards which are held in addition to the CMA’s for reasons), Carrie debuted her new single “Cry Pretty” as well as her new face.