Don’t hate Charlize Theron for looking beautiful even while suffering from coke burn (see: picture above).
To think, us average-faced homelies used to think that all of you tall, gorgeous people have it so easy. You mostly get hired for a job over an ugly troll. You get promotions quicker too. You also don’t even have to think about bringing your wallet to the bar, because some trick will always buy you a cup of the sweet nectar. And whenever you want hot dick, you just swipe right and BOOM, hot dick lands in your lap. Sometimes when I’m in a long ass line at Trader Joe’s, I wish that I was hot, because then I’d be able to cut in front of all of the dowdy regulars. They’d be happy about it too, because then they’d have a better view of my beauty. But you know, I don’t think that gorgeous people have it good anymore. Charlize Theron, the Martin Luther King Jr. of tall, gorgeous people, has exposed fugly people privilege and opened up our eyes to the suffering of the beautiful ones!
26-year-old Steve Grand was the first mainstream openly gay country singer and now he’s mostly known as an expert thirst trapper and professional Instagram gym model. But well, Steve Grand says he’s so much more than an Instagram adonis and says that he gets a lot of hate for being a rock hard piece of ass that can make a corpse cum just by flexing. Kelly LeBrock’s Pantene commercial is pretty much Steve Grand’s Bible. Bitches hate him because he’s beautiful.
On the left is a picture of Olivia Munn a year ago. On the right is, get this, Olivia Munn last month. I know, looking at the picture on the right gave me a stage 10 case of the “Harpo Dis Womans,” because I thought it was a completely different person! But seriously, besides the de-drama’d eyebrow situation and her face being SANS freckles, I don’t see much difference between the 2016 picture and the 2015 picture. But 35-year-old Olivia Munn does and she decided to share all the secrets to her different face. The “keeping it real” version of a Hollywood type’s list of beauty secrets looks like this:
2. More Botox.
3. Face skin reupholstery.
4. Full face lipo.
5. Replaced nose with a smaller one that was grown on a lab house rat.
Olivia Munn did none of that, so says Olivia Munn. She wrote on Instagram about how she is addicted to researching “natural and healthy” ways to make the skin on your face look younger. Olivia posted the side-by-side picture above before spitting up her tips.
Expect dehydrated praying mantis Giuliana Rancic to say on Fashion Police that Zendaya looks like she smells like Miley Cyrus’ farts and Corn Pops. Because Zendaya gave us Billy Ray Cyrus messiness at the Grammys tonight. It looks like she had enough roadkill on her head to feed the entire Cyrus family and them some at Thanksgiving.
When I first saw Zendaya on the red carpet, I only saw her from the front and thought she was wearing a $3 Justin Bieber circa 2009 wig, but then she turned around and gave me a view of the luscious beaver party in the back. She looked like the kind of hot piece that Aileen Wuornos would try to pick up in a Florida gay bar.
Some people thought that Zendaya was paying tribute to David Bowie’s Goblin King with that mullet (cut to David Bowie throwing an ultra graceful “bitch, please” look) but she told Entertainment Tonight she just wanted to be different.
“This hair was actually kind of an out-of-the-blue type hair. I wanted to do the short blonde, but I wanted to do something different, so I was like, ‘Let’s do a mullet! I’m like, ‘Why not?’ “I wanted to bring that feel into it. It’s kind of like a throwback a little bit.”
That’s not what happened. Zendaya and her stylist probably read Kanye West’s tweets together and she bet that he would soon say he was hacked and delete all those tweets. Zendaya’s stylist said fuck no and they made a bet. If Zendaya lost she had to go to the Grammys dressed up like Joe Dirt emceeing a lounge show at a fourth-rate Las Vegas casino. We all know who lost that bet.
Pics: AP, Getty, Wenn.com
Cuba Gooding Jr. was on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote Shapiro Brows: The Mini-Series Event and that shifty Siamese Cat named Andy Cohen got him to talk about whether or not Scientology’s sexiest pin-up Tom Cruise has pulled, nipped, tweaked or pricked his face. As everyone knows, Cuba and Tommy did Jerry Maguire together and they’ve stayed friends. During a game of the Spill the Tea! last night, Andy asked Cuba to spill the tea on the secret to Tommy’s beauty.
Is The Celebrity Big Brother House Strong Enough To Contain The Natural Beauty Of David Gest AND New York?
Celebrity Big Brother UK started tonight and the producers really lived up to their show’s name by shoving the house full of a whole lot of A-list celebrity star power. The list of houseguests reads like the list of presenters at the Oscars. This year’s group of fame whore wrecks who will entertain us for a quick check includes a bunch of British celebrity types I’ve never heard of, Gemma Collins, David Bowie’s ex-wife Angie Bowie, rubber leech Johnathon Cheban (who somehow managed to surgically remove his tongue from Kim Kartrashian’s anus), David Gest (the hunk of plastic hotness who wooed Liza Minnelli) and NEW YORK! See what I mean? This awards season is going to be drier than a scarecrow’s asshole, because all of the real stars are in the CBB house!
But back to my headline question: Is The Celebrity Big Brother House Strong Enough To Contain The Natural Beauty Of David Gest AND New York?
Take a look at David Gest looking like a googly-eyed goldfish in a badly made Harald Gloocker mask. Now take a look at New York looking like a Dollar Tree Chaka Khan doll that was left in the dryer too long.
The answer is obviously: NO! Celebrity Big Brother UK is going to be canceled tomorrow morning after the roof and walls of the house collapse while trying to hold in the explosive natural beauty of David Gest and New York!
I thought I felt a little earthquake this afternoon and now I know it was from dozens of people in Las Vegas falling over and hitting the ground when Naomi Judd knocked them out with her glamour and gorgeousness.
The temperature in Las Vegas went up at least 100 degrees today and it’s all Naomi Judd’s fault for serving up so much piping hot elegance and exquisiteness at the launch of The Judds’ residency at The Venetian. It even looks like Wynonna Judd’s face melted a little from being so close to her hot mother. Naomi Judd’s face gets straights As. I don’t even care if it looks like her left eyebrow took a bite out of her right eyebrow. Her eyebrow game gets an A+, her lip liner game gets an A++ and those spider lashes get an A+++. Naomi Judd looks like the most opulent Christmas tree topper of all time. Liberace would so put her on top of his tree. There really are no words. This is perfection and everybody in the world should strive to look like this!
Audrey Hepburn, Jackie O, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, Coco Chanel, Katharine Hepburn and Britney Jean Spears are all names that pop up in your brain when you think of the most legendary fashion icons who ever lived. But for some strange reason, all of those ladies, except for Brit Brit, get the recognition they deserve. Well, Daddy Spears finally righted that wrong by buying his little moneymaker the Candie’s Style Icon Award which was presented to her at last night’s Teen Choice Awards in L.A.
I have always thought that the teens don’t know shit about shit since they made Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande Latte famous. But they have proven that they have some sense by honoring Brit Brit for her contribution to style. The teens (read: the producers and the executives at Candie’s) chose (read: picked Brit Brit after Daddy Spears passed them a check) to honor Brit Brit, because she truly is an underrated jewel of fashion.
While most hos would look like dirty pieces of trash as they walk barefoot into a gas station bathroom, Brit Brit personifies grace and sophistication when she does it. While most hos would look like sloppy messes if they wore generic UGGs and coochie cutters, Brit Brit looks the exact opposite.
The Cheetolings and Brit’s niece went to the TCAs with her last night and she collected her surfboard award while looking like a terrified Kesha if Kesha was abducted by aliens and forced to perform in an Ice Capades show on a space ship. After winning the Style Icon award, Brit Brit spoke to E! News and they asked if she’s going to keep doing her show in Las Vegas once her contract is up. Surprisingly, she didn’t say, “Ask papa.” Instead, she said she didn’t know:
“I’m not really sure. I haven’t made up my mind. I really love doing the show. It’s a lot, a lot of fun but I’m kind of torn right now. I don’t really know what I want to do.”
Brit Brit doesn’t need Las Vegas anymore! Now that the world is finally seeing her as the legend of fashion that she is, she should move to Paris and take over the House of Chanel from Kunty Karl!
And here’s more of Brit Brit trying to smile through the Botox.
Note to Tan Mom, George Hamilton and John Boehner: Pull your crispy bodies off of the broiling bed, get on your knees and worship your new leader who really knows how to look like the sun jacked off into his face.
In the highly entertaining documentary Valentino: The Last Emperor, there’s a scene where his partner Giancarlo Giammetti tells him to lay off the bronzer a little. Valentino obviously didn’t listen to that stupid advice, because at something called the Flower Power Pacha Party in Ibiza on Tuesday night, he showed up looking like an Oompa Loompa in black face. After that picture was taken, Anne Hathaway’s porcelain skin turned as red as a dog’s lipstick, because standing that close to Valentino without wearing a protective suit and mask will cause you to burn right up. You can see the ends of Anne’s hair slowly fry from being that close to the piping hot mahogany wonder.
Valentino looks like a suckling pig at a luau who rolled off of the platter without anybody noticing, knocked a guest out by hitting them over the head with an apple, stole their outfit, put it on and then walked right on out. Valentino does look like he’d taste delicious with a side of fries, coleslaw and beans. (No Hannibal here.)
Valentino should be careful, though. He has a bunch of adorable pugs. One of them may mistake him for a bully stick and chew on him. But other than that, keep on bringing the deep fried bronzer beauty, Valentino.
Here’s more pictures of Valentino and Giancarlo both looking like they regularly use Honest Company sunscreen. I also threw in pictures of Anne Hathaway doing the anti-Valentino by protecting her skin from those UV rays while hanging out on a yacht with her husband.
Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.
Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.
But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.