It looks like we’re going to have to update the definition of the phrase “Excuse my beauty” twice today. Once for the pup on the left giving us demure cross-legged bashful arm candy, and once for the gorgeous BBP (big beautiful pooch) shamelessly showing off her pug goodies on the right.
This weekend, Clint Eastwood’s second ex-wife Dina Eastwood married the guy she left her rich pepaw husband for. And as you can see, it was an incredibly elegant affair. People says Dina and her new husband Scott Fisher got married in Santa Barbara, which I’m positive is where 98% of famous people get married. Instead of having human bridesmaids who might try to steal yo man or upstage your ass, Dina put two of her pugs, Morgy and Chica, in some very exquisite doggy gowns and let them lead her down the aisle. Morgy was actually the Maid of Honor.
One quick peek at Dina’s Instagram will tell you that she’s majorly into her pugs, so it’s not exactly a surprise that she would make them a part of her wedding. Sadly, Morgy and Chica broke Bridesmaid Rule #1 by totally upstaging the bride. Especially Chica (the chunkier one with her tongue and business hanging out). Chica is really giving Gary Fisher a run for his money in the scene-stealing dog department. Like, how are you supposed to compete for attention around a dog like Chica? You can’t. But I don’t think Chica does it on purpose; when you’re a perfect 10, it’s hard not to get noticed.
That picture above is perfect for many reasons. But I really love it because Morgy and Chica’s faces totally look like a version of the comedy/tragedy masks that represent the two main emotions of being at a wedding reception. Morgy (tragedy) is all “Ugh, where’s the bar“, and Chica (comedy) is all “LOL I FOUND IT!!”
Go ahead and add that picture to Tom Brady’s ever-growing gallery of one hundred percent pure hair fabulousness:
Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen and their kids strut out of some restaurant in NYC today after having lunch and you can’t tell from these pictures, but animal control chased after him, because they thought that thing on his head was a dead Lhasa Apso.
Yes, Gisele Bundchen was at one time the highest paid model in the world and was on the cover of a bunch of magazines or whatever, but the real fashion star of the family is Tom Brady. Tom has given us a douche mop (see: picture on the left), a douche tail (see: picture in the middle), a douche hawk (see: picture on the right), and today he looked like he scalped Justin Bieber circa 2010 and threw that trick’s hair on his head. There’s also a touch of early-90s Bruce Jenner in there. You know the Salon Selectives jingle was playing in his head as he strut in front of the paparazzi. Salon glow….
With those glasses on, Tom looks like he’s starring in a really low-budget community theater production of American Gigolo: The Musical and that really is the look.
Don’t hate Charlize Theron for looking beautiful even while suffering from coke burn (see: picture above).
To think, us average-faced homelies used to think that all of you tall, gorgeous people have it so easy. You mostly get hired for a job over an ugly troll. You get promotions quicker too. You also don’t even have to think about bringing your wallet to the bar, because some trick will always buy you a cup of the sweet nectar. And whenever you want hot dick, you just swipe right and BOOM, hot dick lands in your lap. Sometimes when I’m in a long ass line at Trader Joe’s, I wish that I was hot, because then I’d be able to cut in front of all of the dowdy regulars. They’d be happy about it too, because then they’d have a better view of my beauty. But you know, I don’t think that gorgeous people have it good anymore. Charlize Theron, the Martin Luther King Jr. of tall, gorgeous people, has exposed fugly people privilege and opened up our eyes to the suffering of the beautiful ones!
26-year-old Steve Grand was the first mainstream openly gay country singer and now he’s mostly known as an expert thirst trapper and professional Instagram gym model. But well, Steve Grand says he’s so much more than an Instagram adonis and says that he gets a lot of hate for being a rock hard piece of ass that can make a corpse cum just by flexing. Kelly LeBrock’s Pantene commercial is pretty much Steve Grand’s Bible. Bitches hate him because he’s beautiful.
On the left is a picture of Olivia Munn a year ago. On the right is, get this, Olivia Munn last month. I know, looking at the picture on the right gave me a stage 10 case of the “Harpo Dis Womans,” because I thought it was a completely different person! But seriously, besides the de-drama’d eyebrow situation and her face being SANS freckles, I don’t see much difference between the 2016 picture and the 2015 picture. But 35-year-old Olivia Munn does and she decided to share all the secrets to her different face. The “keeping it real” version of a Hollywood type’s list of beauty secrets looks like this:
2. More Botox.
3. Face skin reupholstery.
4. Full face lipo.
5. Replaced nose with a smaller one that was grown on a lab house rat.
Olivia Munn did none of that, so says Olivia Munn. She wrote on Instagram about how she is addicted to researching “natural and healthy” ways to make the skin on your face look younger. Olivia posted the side-by-side picture above before spitting up her tips.
Expect dehydrated praying mantis Giuliana Rancic to say on Fashion Police that Zendaya looks like she smells like Miley Cyrus’ farts and Corn Pops. Because Zendaya gave us Billy Ray Cyrus messiness at the Grammys tonight. It looks like she had enough roadkill on her head to feed the entire Cyrus family and them some at Thanksgiving.
When I first saw Zendaya on the red carpet, I only saw her from the front and thought she was wearing a $3 Justin Bieber circa 2009 wig, but then she turned around and gave me a view of the luscious beaver party in the back. She looked like the kind of hot piece that Aileen Wuornos would try to pick up in a Florida gay bar.
Some people thought that Zendaya was paying tribute to David Bowie’s Goblin King with that mullet (cut to David Bowie throwing an ultra graceful “bitch, please” look) but she told Entertainment Tonight she just wanted to be different.
“This hair was actually kind of an out-of-the-blue type hair. I wanted to do the short blonde, but I wanted to do something different, so I was like, ‘Let’s do a mullet! I’m like, ‘Why not?’ “I wanted to bring that feel into it. It’s kind of like a throwback a little bit.”
That’s not what happened. Zendaya and her stylist probably read Kanye West’s tweets together and she bet that he would soon say he was hacked and delete all those tweets. Zendaya’s stylist said fuck no and they made a bet. If Zendaya lost she had to go to the Grammys dressed up like Joe Dirt emceeing a lounge show at a fourth-rate Las Vegas casino. We all know who lost that bet.
Pics: AP, Getty, Wenn.com