Category: Excuse My Beauty

ICYMI: Barbra Streisand Graces Late-Night TV With Her Smooth, Cholesterol-Filled Voice For The First Time In 50 Years

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Above is Jimmy Fallon demonstrating what happens when you splash melted buttah onto a mirror in the bathroom of a gay bath house while chanting “Barbra, can you hear me?” three times in a row. You get a “Hello, Gorgeous” in your ear.

Barbra Streisand was on SNL for a quick minute in 1992 and she made an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman in 1994, but it’s been half a century since she’s been a guest on a late-night talk show. Barbra ended her late-night dry spell last night by going on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Babs was a guest on The Tonight Show a million years ago when Johnny Carson was the host.

While wearing Dracula’s business suit, Jennifer Aniston’s future face and with her hair laid like Ron Perlman’s Beast wig, Barbra pimped out her new album Partners and then sang a medley of songs from her new album with Jimmy Fallon who filled in for Elvis, Blake Shelton and Michael BoobLays. Buttah the inside of your ears with this pristine flawlessness and picture Lea Michele and a bunch of old gays rubbing themselves to it:

You can watch more clips of the episode here (scroll dooooown) or you can go to the lobby of the Scientology Centre in L.A. and watch hardcore Streisand fanboy John Travolta perform the whole thing by himself. “His Streisand is otherwordly!” – Xenu

Pic: Instagram

 

Open Post: Hosted By Mickey Rourke’s Wild Coif Of Perfection

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Shhh, nobody wake up the sleeping, elderly long-haired skunk on Mickey Rourke’s head. It’s been tasered several times, dragged through the river by a pack of wild dogs, electrocuted on a fence and forced to listen to a Nickelback album in its entirety. It’s been through a lot and needs to rest. Mickey Rourke is an angel on earth for providing it with a safe haven.

Here’s Chunk’s best friend forever leaving Nello’s in NYC yesterday while looking like a Russian count circa 1858 who traveled to a strange land known as America to live out his dream of becoming an old western pimp in a small town. Mickey Rourke’s ensembles are always next level sharp, but that animal on his head is what got all the attention and made strangers on the street scream for the ASPCA. I don’t know if that’s a wig that’s sinking into his skin or if all those fillers in his face mutated and are eating away at his hair. Whatever the case is, it’s something. Looking like Beethoven after getting a train ran on him in the bushes IS the look.

Pics: Splash

Would You Hit It?

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Douche of all trades and professional gay baiter James Franco threw up this picture on Instagram today and showed everyone what it looks like when he takes a bottle of Sun-In, a straightening iron and L.A. Looks pomade to his hair (or what it looks like when he puts on a Martina Navratilova wig). Since James Franco is an artistic chameleon and only chooses roles that strengthen his title as the most avant-garde actor of our time and every time, I’m guessing that he slapped the blond into his hair to play Nick Carter in Lifetime’s Diary Of A Meth Face: The Aaron Carter Story. A cracked out albino turtle with a Dollar Tree spray tan will play Aaron.

James Franco with a bleached mop looks like Stuart Smalley’s estranged brother, Shane Smalley, who has been arrested several times for stealing the Silica gel packets from packs of beef jerky at Walmart (yes, Silica gel is his drug of choice, DUH) and was fired from his job as a janitor at Jiffy Lube after he got caught sticking his dick in the gas tank opening of a VW Jetta. The last time Stuart Smalley invited his brother over for iced tea and egg salad sandwiches, Shane Smalley stole half of his cardigan collection and sold it in a stoop sale for wine cooler money. Shane Smalley writes “boobs” as “bewbz” and he stills uses AOL chatrooms to pick up tricks. His AOL name is BlndeBoi88. He was born in 1978.

With all that being said, yes, yes, I’d hit it, because it’s the closest I’d ever get to doing Nick Carter circa 1999.

And here’s James Franco a little over a week ago at the NYC premiere of Child Of God with his live-in lover Scott Haze.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Barbra Streisand’s Inaugural Instagram Portrait Is A Technological Wonder

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Barbra Streisand popped her Instagram cherry the other day by posting this casual picture of her being casual in her casual backyard with her casual dog Samantha. I don’t even think Barbra knows that the camera is there! It’s that candid. That isn’t backlighting. That’s God smiling behind her.

Barbra is so generous to share this intimate moment with her fans. When 72-year-old Barbra isn’t raising the worldwide cholesterol levels with her buttery voice, she spontaneously lounges on a lounge chair right after workers from Madame Tussauds slather gallons of wax all over her mug, a mortician sprays her down with thermogenic makeup, three stylists dress her up like a powerful pilgrim business woman, Ken Paves tends to her bitch’s hair and a choreographer arranges her in the perfect pose. And while Barbra casually lounges, team of graphic artists stretch their fingers on the sidelines as they prepare themselves for all the retouch work they’re about to do. So casual, so “laissez-faire” as Samantha would say if she could speak human words out loud, because that fancy bitch definitely speaks French.

Or maybe that’s not Barbra Streisand at all…. Maybe Barbra’s Instagram team got confused and accidentally posted a still of Jennifer Aniston as Reverend Henry Kane in a reboot of Poltergeist 2. It’s hard to tell. Whatever the case may be, I hope this is the only picture that Barbra Instagrams, because nothing can top it.

And in other Barbra news, The National Enquirer says that Barbra’s marriage to James Brolin is “on the rocks” after she caught him eye-fucking the whore of all whores at some party. Radar put it like this:

Barbra Streisand is furious with husband James Brolin for keeping up with Kim Kardashian. RadarOnline.com has learned that Babs accused her man of ogling the reality star during a recent event — and it’s causing a marriage crisis!

According to the new issue of The National ENQUIRER, Streisand “hit the roof” when she found out that Brolin leered at none other than “boob-licious” Kardashian at an A-list party.

James Brolin wasn’t “ogling.” James was staring, because he couldn’t take his eyes off of that slow-moving train wreck while telling himself that he’s so lucky to be married to an all-natural blossom like Barbra.

Here’s a few pictures of Barbra leaving a Memorial Day party in May. You know, I’m pretty sure that the stunning Instagram picture above is Barbra in her natural state and these pictures below were highly Photoshopped. Barbra obviously asked the photo agency to Photoshop her until she looked human so the public wouldn’t be threatened by her alien-like beauty.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Now, For An “Excuse My Beauty” Moment From Kristen Stewart

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

When Hollywood actress, fashion muse, and professional scowler Kristen Stewart showed up to a Chanel show in Paris three weeks ago looking like a discount Drop Dead Fred had a three-way with I Dream of Jeannie’s butch sister and a Joey Russo doll, my eyes glazed over from the intense concentration of glamour and I fell into a style coma. When I woke up, I prayed that one day Kristen would return to stun us once again with her effortless (read: zero effort) no-fucks-given style. And she did! This morning, Kristen Stewart turned the moving walkways of LAX into a haute couture runway when she sashayed through security looking like Skid Row Ron Weasley. I think this may be a sartorial best for K-Stew.

Kristen also sort of looks like what you’d get it if The Hamburglar knocked up Linda Perry, and she gave the baby to a glue-huffing Fry Kid who raised the baby in that weird sketchy party room that every McDonald’s has in the basement (you know, the one that smells like cheap cake and sadness and cheese?) and her only contact with the outside world was a partially-scratched Joy Division CD she found in the parking lot one night, which is to say…c’est magnifique.

Here’s more of Kristen Stewart redefining effortless chic and classic American style at LAX earlier today. I don’t know what NTF or NJF means, but I assume it either stands for Not Terribly Funky (she looks like she smells funky, but not terribly so) or New Junkie Fashion:

Pics: Fame Flynet

“I Hereby Present…The New Pride Of England!”

July 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Or maybe he’s saying, “Okay, gentlemen, the bidding starts at 4 Euros! ….Anyone? ANYONE?

Lindsay Lohan is officially England’s problem now, because over there she’s treated like the serious artist that she is and she can focus on her craft instead of losing her focus on all that partying shit she gets into in NYC and L.A. So here’s the serious artist not focusing on all that partying shit by partying with a third tier James Gandolfini impersonator at a party for the Ischia Film Festival in Italy last night. When LiLo says she’s changed for the five billionth time, she’s really changed! Speaking of changes, the mixture of delusion, Grey Goose, Adderall and the bad shit must give LiLo the ability to morph her face, because in some picture she looks pretty good and in other pictures (see: the picture above) she looks like Ron Perlman in lazy Megan Fox drag sucking on a lemon while holding in diarrhea.

TMZ also has a picture of LiLo with her mouth open, her eyes closed and her knees on the floor after falling. The jokes have already written and published themselves. But since LiLo is totally changed now, maybe it’s not what it looks like. Maybe the European air really is really bringing out her artistry and she suddenly felt the urge to drop to her knees and let out all her raw emotion by singing “I Dreamed A Dreamed” from Les Miserables. You know, that’s what true artists do. They spontaneously do art. Or maybe LiLo was just falling down drunk and is going to sue that carpet for tripping her. Yeah, probably the latter.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!

July 8, 2014 / Posted by:

America’s real-est, down-to-earth and jokey-est best friend Jennifer Lawrence continued to be real, down-to-earth and jokey at the Dior Haute Couture show in Paris yesterday when she fed Hermione Granger a serving of her palm. Nerd boys are going to get semi-soft and disappointed when they land on this picture after Googling “Jennifer Lawrence gives Emma Watson a facial,” but they’ll still find a way to fap to it.

THAT BITCH Jennifer Lawrence. I’d like to see her try that hand mask shit on one of my chola cousins. My chola cousins spend at least one full hour painting up their faces and not since Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel has such intricate work been done. They are serious about giving glamour in the face at all times. They will leave the house in stained sweats and a hole-y Garfield shirt as long as their face says, “Just stepped out of a Glamour Shot.“ From the neck down, they’re giving “People of Walmart,” but from the neck up, they’re giving “MAC Store Assistant Manager.” Because  their painted up face is their everything, they’re one step away from walking around with a plexiglass mask on and a taser in each hand. They don’t like anyone getting near their Wet ‘N Wild beauty and if I got a tube of lipstick for every time they said, “No kisses, bitch,” to me while air hugging me from afar, I’d have ten million tubes of lipstick, which would last my cousins about a week.

So if some jokester trick ass bitch with “long-haired guinea pig after getting a body wave” hair came at them with her hand, the Academy would have to put a metal loop on all of Jennifer Lawrence’s future Oscar statues, because bitch would have hooks for hands. You mess with a chola’s beauty, you mess with her emotions.

But I see what sneaky Jennifer Lawrence is really doing here. She’s acting like, “Hahaha, I’m just joking around with Hermione, because I’m real like that,” but she’s really ruining Emma’s make-up on purpose. Hermione’s make-up game is pristine and JLaw looks like she rubbed her face between Tan Mom’s ass cheeks, so she’s trying to even the playing field. Well played, I guess.

And poor Hermione. She gets a JLaw hand to the face AND her stylist made her wear a truly hideous dress that made her look like a toddler going to a funeral in Whoville.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

Miss Delaware Got Her Crown Snatched Away For Being Too Old

June 27, 2014 / Posted by:

How DARE they take back the crown from someone who can execute such flawless Celine Dion arms?!? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!! On June 14th, 24-year-old Amanda Longacre was crowned Miss Delaware, but she wasn’t destined to dela-wear the crown (I’ll show myself out for that one) for very long. According to the NY Daily News, Amanda went from crying beautiful shimmering tears of a winner to hideous ugly saline discharge of a loser when the birthday-hating bitches at Miss America discovered that she’s too old to compete in the 2014 Miss America pageant.

According to pageant rules, women must be between the ages of 17 and 24 at the time of competition. Amanda is 24 now, but she turns 25 in October. Amanda (she really seems more like a Mandy to me, but whatever) knew shit might get shady with the judging committee, so she checked to make sure she wasn’t going to get disqualified for being a Sanka-drinking oldie. Once she was given the thumbs-up, she joined the rest of the girls to practice their group dance routine to “Conga”.

Unfortunately, no one at the Miss Delaware pageant thought to pick up the phone and double-check with their malevolent overlord Miss America. The shot-callers at Miss America took one look at Amanda’s birth certificate and told her to trade in her crown for a Hoveround and an AARP membership, because she was TOO OLD to strut her stuff in a swimsuit and pumps. Amanda says that along with being disqualified from Miss America, they’ve also made her give back the 9,000 scholarship, and gave the crown to her younger runner-up, Brittany Lewis.

I know beauty pageants are all sorts of shady, but damn if something in the teeth-Vaseline doesn’t seem clean. Everybody in Delaware told Amanda she was a-ok to wave and smile and sing Melissa Manchester and wish for World Peace, and now the second she got the crown, Miss America hisses that she’s too old? RUDE! Like that old geezer should talk; Miss America was born in 1921! Bitch is just jealous nobody wants to see her wrinkly 93-year-old ass sashay down the runway in a swimsuit and pumps!

Pic: The Cape Gazette

This IS The Look: Nicolas Cage Wears A T-Shirt With His Face On It

June 8, 2014 / Posted by:

No, this picture was not taken at a costume party where the theme was Rejected Members of the Village People. This picture of Nicolas Cage and Andrew Dice Clay looking a mess was taken backstage at a Guns N Roses concert in Las Vegas last night night. Only Nicolas Cage could make a complete outfit of a cowboy hat (which cost $950,000 and once belonged to the real Buffalo Bill), gold aviators (which cost $300,000 and once belonged to Elvis), a purple blazer (which cost $15,000 and was worn by Bette Midler in Big Business), gold beads (which are really solid gold anal beads, cost $2,600,000 and were once up King Tut’s asshole), a gaudy ass gold ring (which cost $860,000 and once belonged to Liberace), gun holsters (which cost $1,000,000 and once belonged to Billy the Kid), a cane (which cost $160,000 and once belonged to Charlie Chaplin) and $20 fringed pants from a pimp store in Reno.

Nicolas Cage looks like he woke up naked in a motel room after the hooker he picked up stole all his clothes and money and he had to buy an outfit at a rest stop gift shop using the change he had in the ashtray of his car. Nicolas Cage looks like a bottom tier pimp whose hos are only with him because they feel sorry for his ass.

In other words, this is Nicolas Cage’s greatest look and nothing proudly says “I’m a crazy bitch” like unironically wearing a t-shirt with your own meme on it.

via Instagram

This Is The Look: Peter Dinklage With A Mullet

June 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Add Peter Dinklage’s name to the short list of hos who brought glamour, style and poise to their high school yearbook picture. A Redditor posted this picture of Peter Dinklage looking like a guinea pig is taking a nap on his head while posing for his 1987 graduation picture at The Delbarton School in Morristown, N.J. He was the Bay City Roller that never was.

This is a cross between 80s Ellen DeGeneres and Uncle Jesse. It’s party in the front AND party in the back.

via Reddit (Thanks Kim)

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