Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.
Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.
But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.
You might be feeling dead inside from reading the dozens of hilarious April Fools’ jokes that your prank master friends are putting on Facebook, so here’s something to fill your insides with sweetness and awwwwness. One of The Real Grifters of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is about 3 months into her 15-month prison sentence and since she’s got court fines and creditors to pay back, she got prison bitch glamorous for a touching fambly portrait shoot for UsWeekly. Nothing brings the unfeeling mound of bitterness you call a heart to life like a criminal making money off of being a criminal. But what really makes this cover extra special and sweet is that they cut out her two other daughters from the picture. You dodged a tacky bullet, other Giudice girls.
UsWeeklysays that the Olan Mills-like portrait was taken in the visiting room at the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Conn, which is Teresa’ home for the next few months, because she committed bankruptcy fraud, among other things, with her husband Juicy Joe. Teresa told UsWeekly through her lawyer that what she really misses most is Bravo’s cameras. No, Teresa said that she misses her girls and they will get through it together as a fambly, blah, blah, fart, blah.
It’s been raining practically non-stop in L.A. since yesterday and now I know why. That rain didn’t come from the clouds. The rain was actually tears from the wind who couldn’t stop bawling over Jared Leto chopping off his luxurious locks. The wind just can’t deal with the fact that it’ll be a long time before it gets to twirl through Jared’s enchanting unicorn mane again. Why did Jared Leto have to hurt the wind like that?
Jared Leto no longer looks like Jesus if Jesus arose in the middle of Coachella and got a makeover from a bunch of high hipsters. Jared took a machete to his Jennifer Aniston hair and shaved off his face pubes to play The Joker in Suicide Squad. I guess The Joker just can’t have ombre Jesus hair. Suicide Squad’s director David Ayer tweeted this picture of Jared Leto after he agreed to stop fighting the hot for the sake of his ART!
Don’t you just want to tape that picture to the inside of your locker? Dude looks like Jordan Catalano again. I heard that Jared donated his cut-off hair to science who will carefully study it to find the gene in his DNA that explains why he’s 43 years old and still looks like he fell out of his mom’s cooch not too long ago.
Bruce Jenner has always been the hottest member of the Kardashian family, but recently he’s been looking hotter, and he hasn’t said why, because Bruce doesn’t have to explain shit to anybody. But that hasn’t stopped people from throwing out guesses. For example, InTouch Weekly seems to think he’s slowly transitioning into a middle-aged Connecticut church secretary with an affinity for Revlon Kiss Me Coral lipstick. Which as we all know is total BS, because Bruce would never be caught dead in such a gauche color.
Well, it appears we may soon have an answer. According to UsWeekly, Bruce Jenner is ready to talk about Bruce Jenner’s new look, but he’s saving that conversation for the 10th season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. A source says:
“Bruce and Kris address his changing appearance in a scene they shot together. It will be a plotline.”
I know, even Satan is shaking his head at Pimp Mama Kris like “Girl, you just reached a new low.” Oh, that’s not fair – maybe this was Bruce’s choice? HA! Listen to me, acting like PMK hasn’t already calculated just how much money she’ll make off of Bruce’s Very Special Episode and drawing up plans to turn Rob’s old room at the Kardashian Kompound into an in-house butt injections lab at the as we speak.
And you know KUWTK will draw this shit out as long as possible. Every episode will being with Kris teasing “I think Bruce might have a big announcement today” while tapping her claw against a DVD copy of Transamerica. Then in the last 60 seconds of the season finale, Bruce will be like “I have something to tell you all. My hair is long because…” before a half-naked Kim Kardashian interrupts him by drowsy-shuffling in wearing a bikini made from human hair and saying “Speaking of hair, look how sexy I am! Bruce, you’ll have to save your announcement for Season 11. In the meantime, make yourself useful and take some pictures of me.“
Okay, maybe one or two comments. I will say that when InTouch Weekly badly Photoshops lipstick, rouge and a smart scarf from Lord & Taylor onto Bruce Jenner, he gives us “politician’s wife” glamour. Still hotter than any Kartrashian.
Well, technically the hottest look of the night goes to my dog who wore the potato chip crumbs and vodka splashes that fell on his fur as he napped on my lap during the Golden Globes last night. But the runner-up for hottest look of the night goes to Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness!
Every “Best Dressed of the 2015 Golden Globes” list is completely invalid and should be spit at if it doesn’t have this picture of Prince sitting at the top. Thousands of people had to shove a bottle of smelling salts up their asses last night when their b-holes went into a pucker frenzy from seeing Prince sashay onto the stage to present Best Song. For most of us, it’d take us just a few seconds to walk from the back of the stage to the front. But since Prince is about the size of a swan’s clit and he’s the only human on Earth who can fit into Barbie shoes, it took him approximately 45 minutes to walk from the back to the front and I nearly passed out from holding my breath the entire time.
When he got to front of the age, I expected him to smirk and say, “Surprise, bitch.”
There was so many things on Prince to gag on from his rhinestone-encrusted cane (which he randomly carried because every fashion queen needs a prop) to his pantsuit made out of the intergalactic wallpaper that hangs in Walter Mercado’s power room. Prince looked like an otherworldly Blind Mouse. See how he runs…the game.
Happy Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day, indeed!
I know; there are several things wrong with that statement. First, Mariah Carey doesn’t turn into a gorgeous anything; Mariah Carey is already the most gorgeous creature that ever existed, the end. Second, $85,000? More like $0, because you can’t put a price on Mariah’s beauty. Third, since when does Mariah require a photographer? Every picture of Mariah released in the past 10 years has been the same one, just with different hair and makeup added in Photoshop. If anything, it takes $85,000 worth of Photoshop.
But according to TMZ, a photographer has filed a lawsuit against Mimi’s record label claiming that Mimi owes him several thousand dollars after she bailed on a photo shoot for her album cover. The photographer is suing for $150,000, which includes his fee, plus the following expenses: $65,391 for a stylist, $9,600 for a hair stylist, $7,200 for a makeup artist, and $2,400 for a manicurist. In response to the lawsuit, Mimi’s record label claims they never fully agreed on the terms of the contract, and they’ve pretty much told him to jog off.
Look, it doesn’t take a trip to Judge Judy to see that this lawsuit is bogus. That entire break-down is lies upon lies, because we all know what it really costs to get Mimi camera ready:
18lb tub of crushed saltwater pearl dust to be used as highlighter on her chichis – $27,000
Motion-activated Ambien dispenser – $900
Ambien – $40,928
Collection of gorgeous unicorn hair wigs – $60,203 each
An assistant dressed as Hello Kitty to hand-feed Mimi her lunch – $350 for the costume, $0 for the assistant (she gets paid in Mimi’s love)
Post-shoot use of blur tool in Photoshop – Priceless
Then if there’s any money left over in the budget, it goes to purchasing a couple pairs of those glasses with eyes painted on the lenses to make it look like she’s still awake for when she eventually falls asleep mid-shoot. And to prove even further that Mimi doesn’t spend anywhere close to $85,000 on hair or makeup or styling, here’s Mimi performing in Australia yesterday:
I know, I can’t believe it either. But according to TMZ, there are a couple of dickheads out there who have committed the unspeakably evil act of coming for flawless life diamond Bruce Jenner on the golf course. Have fun giving never-ending blowjobs to Satan, assholes, cause you just earned a yourselves a one-way ticket to Hell!
TMZ says that almost everyone who golfs with Bruce at his Thousand Oaks club loves him (DUH, he’s practically a living breathing Precious Moments angel figurine), but recently he’s found himself on the receiving end of some bitchy Mean Girl behavior. A source claims that one golfer passed Bruce and yelled: “How’s your dick?“. Rather than telling the truth and explaining that he’s still in the process of retrieving it from Kris Jenner’s klaws, Bruce replied by joking: “It’s right here. It hasn’t worked in 20 years.” Shortly after, another golfer cornered him in the locker room and started making fun of his gorgeous ombré ponytail before joking that he was going to cut it off.
Those caddy shack cunts! How DARE they come for Bruce like that? They’re obviously just jealous that God didn’t bless them with a glorious head of shimmering shoulder-length chestnut-colored hair or the right undertones to work a tricky color like Magenta Splash on their nails. Not to mention it must kill them every day to walk into the locker room and find a come-to-life Greek God staring back at them while working that body-oddy-oddy like “Oh, this old thing?”
I feel compelled to get Bruce a giant cookie cake from Mrs. Fields that says “DON’T LET THOSE JEALOUS BITCHES GET YOU DOWN, BOO BOO!“, but it would be a total waste of money. Bruce would be like “Who?? What jealous bitches?“. He probably doesn’t even know they exist. An opulent diva like Bruce has no time for tacky beauty-hating hags!
I’m assuming that it’s illegal in Shanghai to run around pussy lips naked in public, because if it wasn’t the delicate, unicorn-voiced horny glitter butterfly that is Mimi would’ve performed at her show last night in nothing but heels, crotch-less Spanx and Hello Kitty nipple tassels. But since Mimi abides by all laws she kept it conservative and demure by wearing an easy-access, fuck-me prom dress co-designed by Trash Heap and GLAD. The Elusive Chanteuse continued to elude clothes when she performed at the Hongkou Soccer Stadium in a stunning trash bag half-dress that was cut so high that one false move and everyone would’ve seen her Spanx-wrapped unicorn poon.
When I still lived in NYC and my sister worked at Rockefeller Center, I’d visit her for lunch sometimes and I’d regularly see a homeless woman bring high fashion couture to the streets by wearing a long gown made out of trash bags. As she stomped through the streets, her long, trash bag train would flow in the wind and it gave me Priscilla Queen of the Desert vibes. I’d like to think that one day while lounging at the top of her Tribeca castle, Mimi peeked into her pink crystal embedded telescope to scan the streets below to see how her subjects were doing and she spotted that trash bag gown and that’s what inspired this look. It goes without saying, but the homeless woman at Rockefeller wore it better.
In other Mimi news, she answered to the hos saying that she’s lost her voice by tweeting this video of her screeching out crystal clear garage door opening notes while “cleaning“:
1. Mimi can’t even fake clean right. But in her defense, picking up that vase and putting it down 4 seconds later is the most housework she’s doing in yeeeeeeeears, darling.
2. I took that “duuur-tay tank tops” comment as a diss to Nick Cannon.
3. Since I am now temporarily deaf as fuck, can somebody please call 911 and tell them that my dog packed all his shit in a sack on a stick and ran away from home for exposing him to that sound?
I see that Pimp Mama Kris came up with a new storyline for her reality shit show.
When Pimp Mama Kris filed for divorce from the face of Lana Del Rey’s future known as Bruce Jenner, I expected him to pack up his Kit N Caboodle, slide into his convertible, check his lip gloss situation in the rearview mirror, put on his orange aviators, blast Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” hit the gas and never ever look back. But that didn’t happen, because it looks like Pimp Mama Kris still has her devil claws wrapped around his strawberry shampoo-scented mane of luscious glamour.
Both TMZ and People threw up posts today claiming that Bruce is pressing his pool noodle lips onto the face of PMK’s best friend and former assistant Ronda Kamihira. A sores (typo and it stays) tells TMZ that Ronda is a 51-year-old divorced mother of 2 and she’s been friends with the Jenners for years and years. Ronda lives in the same neighborhood as Bruce and PMK and the two families have gone on vacation and spent holidays together. The “source” also says that Ronda is the Taylor Swift to PMK’s Karlie Kloss, because she’s been Single White Female-ing PMK. Family members say that it seems like Ronda wants to become PMK. Let me guess, the source (Hi, PMK) also went on to say, “But really, who can blame Ronda? Kris Jenner is thee most naturally beautiful, sexy, intelligent and caring women in the world. I think it’s weird that every woman isn’t try to be her! Not now, Satan. Now now. I’m on the phone with TMZ. I’ll give you a sacrifice later.”
People’s source says that PMK is “devastated “and can’t believe that her friend of 20 years and her ex-husband would betray her like this.
There are not enough Bitch, Pleases in the world for me to properly react to this story. This is probably another fake storyline cooked up by PMK. The only way PMK would be genuinely devastated and heartbroken about something is if someone burned a $100 bill in front of her. If her house caught on fire when she wasn’t home, the first think she’d ask after finding out is, “Did my safe full of money make it out okay?” In fact, that’s probably how the producers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians are going to bring the raw emotion out of PMK while shooting the scene where she finds out that Bruce is dating her friend. A producer is going to hold a gun to a stack of hundreds in front of her and the tears are just going to pore out of PMK’s pulled face. She’s going to win a special Emmy for that performance.
E! says that TMZ and People are wrong and Bruce and Ronda are just friends. I hope E! is right, because Bruce needs to get away from PMK and dating her friend is not getting away from her. Bruce should run off and become a counselor at Camp Camellia or something.
Pics: Pacific Coast News