I thought I felt a little earthquake this afternoon and now I know it was from dozens of people in Las Vegas falling over and hitting the ground when Naomi Judd knocked them out with her glamour and gorgeousness.
The temperature in Las Vegas went up at least 100 degrees today and it’s all Naomi Judd’s fault for serving up so much piping hot elegance and exquisiteness at the launch of The Judds’ residency at The Venetian. It even looks like Wynonna Judd’s face melted a little from being so close to her hot mother. Naomi Judd’s face gets straights As. I don’t even care if it looks like her left eyebrow took a bite out of her right eyebrow. Her eyebrow game gets an A+, her lip liner game gets an A++ and those spider lashes get an A+++. Naomi Judd looks like the most opulent Christmas tree topper of all time. Liberace would so put her on top of his tree. There really are no words. This is perfection and everybody in the world should strive to look like this!
Audrey Hepburn, Jackie O, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, Coco Chanel, Katharine Hepburn and Britney Jean Spears are all names that pop up in your brain when you think of the most legendary fashion icons who ever lived. But for some strange reason, all of those ladies, except for Brit Brit, get the recognition they deserve. Well, Daddy Spears finally righted that wrong by buying his little moneymaker the Candie’s Style Icon Award which was presented to her at last night’s Teen Choice Awards in L.A.
I have always thought that the teens don’t know shit about shit since they made Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande Latte famous. But they have proven that they have some sense by honoring Brit Brit for her contribution to style. The teens (read: the producers and the executives at Candie’s) chose (read: picked Brit Brit after Daddy Spears passed them a check) to honor Brit Brit, because she truly is an underrated jewel of fashion.
While most hos would look like dirty pieces of trash as they walk barefoot into a gas station bathroom, Brit Brit personifies grace and sophistication when she does it. While most hos would look like sloppy messes if they wore generic UGGs and coochie cutters, Brit Brit looks the exact opposite.
The Cheetolings and Brit’s niece went to the TCAs with her last night and she collected her surfboard award while looking like a terrified Kesha if Kesha was abducted by aliens and forced to perform in an Ice Capades show on a space ship. After winning the Style Icon award, Brit Brit spoke to E! News and they asked if she’s going to keep doing her show in Las Vegas once her contract is up. Surprisingly, she didn’t say, “Ask papa.” Instead, she said she didn’t know:
“I’m not really sure. I haven’t made up my mind. I really love doing the show. It’s a lot, a lot of fun but I’m kind of torn right now. I don’t really know what I want to do.”
Brit Brit doesn’t need Las Vegas anymore! Now that the world is finally seeing her as the legend of fashion that she is, she should move to Paris and take over the House of Chanel from Kunty Karl!
And here’s more of Brit Brit trying to smile through the Botox.
Note to Tan Mom, George Hamilton and John Boehner: Pull your crispy bodies off of the broiling bed, get on your knees and worship your new leader who really knows how to look like the sun jacked off into his face.
In the highly entertaining documentary Valentino: The Last Emperor, there’s a scene where his partner Giancarlo Giammetti tells him to lay off the bronzer a little. Valentino obviously didn’t listen to that stupid advice, because at something called the Flower Power Pacha Party in Ibiza on Tuesday night, he showed up looking like an Oompa Loompa in black face. After that picture was taken, Anne Hathaway’s porcelain skin turned as red as a dog’s lipstick, because standing that close to Valentino without wearing a protective suit and mask will cause you to burn right up. You can see the ends of Anne’s hair slowly fry from being that close to the piping hot mahogany wonder.
Valentino looks like a suckling pig at a luau who rolled off of the platter without anybody noticing, knocked a guest out by hitting them over the head with an apple, stole their outfit, put it on and then walked right on out. Valentino does look like he’d taste delicious with a side of fries, coleslaw and beans. (No Hannibal here.)
Valentino should be careful, though. He has a bunch of adorable pugs. One of them may mistake him for a bully stick and chew on him. But other than that, keep on bringing the deep fried bronzer beauty, Valentino.
Here’s more pictures of Valentino and Giancarlo both looking like they regularly use Honest Company sunscreen. I also threw in pictures of Anne Hathaway doing the anti-Valentino by protecting her skin from those UV rays while hanging out on a yacht with her husband.
Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.
Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.
But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.
You might be feeling dead inside from reading the dozens of hilarious April Fools’ jokes that your prank master friends are putting on Facebook, so here’s something to fill your insides with sweetness and awwwwness. One of The Real Grifters of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is about 3 months into her 15-month prison sentence and since she’s got court fines and creditors to pay back, she got prison bitch glamorous for a touching fambly portrait shoot for UsWeekly. Nothing brings the unfeeling mound of bitterness you call a heart to life like a criminal making money off of being a criminal. But what really makes this cover extra special and sweet is that they cut out her two other daughters from the picture. You dodged a tacky bullet, other Giudice girls.
UsWeeklysays that the Olan Mills-like portrait was taken in the visiting room at the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Conn, which is Teresa’ home for the next few months, because she committed bankruptcy fraud, among other things, with her husband Juicy Joe. Teresa told UsWeekly through her lawyer that what she really misses most is Bravo’s cameras. No, Teresa said that she misses her girls and they will get through it together as a fambly, blah, blah, fart, blah.
It’s been raining practically non-stop in L.A. since yesterday and now I know why. That rain didn’t come from the clouds. The rain was actually tears from the wind who couldn’t stop bawling over Jared Leto chopping off his luxurious locks. The wind just can’t deal with the fact that it’ll be a long time before it gets to twirl through Jared’s enchanting unicorn mane again. Why did Jared Leto have to hurt the wind like that?
Jared Leto no longer looks like Jesus if Jesus arose in the middle of Coachella and got a makeover from a bunch of high hipsters. Jared took a machete to his Jennifer Aniston hair and shaved off his face pubes to play The Joker in Suicide Squad. I guess The Joker just can’t have ombre Jesus hair. Suicide Squad’s director David Ayer tweeted this picture of Jared Leto after he agreed to stop fighting the hot for the sake of his ART!
Don’t you just want to tape that picture to the inside of your locker? Dude looks like Jordan Catalano again. I heard that Jared donated his cut-off hair to science who will carefully study it to find the gene in his DNA that explains why he’s 43 years old and still looks like he fell out of his mom’s cooch not too long ago.
Bruce Jenner has always been the hottest member of the Kardashian family, but recently he’s been looking hotter, and he hasn’t said why, because Bruce doesn’t have to explain shit to anybody. But that hasn’t stopped people from throwing out guesses. For example, InTouch Weekly seems to think he’s slowly transitioning into a middle-aged Connecticut church secretary with an affinity for Revlon Kiss Me Coral lipstick. Which as we all know is total BS, because Bruce would never be caught dead in such a gauche color.
Well, it appears we may soon have an answer. According to UsWeekly, Bruce Jenner is ready to talk about Bruce Jenner’s new look, but he’s saving that conversation for the 10th season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. A source says:
“Bruce and Kris address his changing appearance in a scene they shot together. It will be a plotline.”
I know, even Satan is shaking his head at Pimp Mama Kris like “Girl, you just reached a new low.” Oh, that’s not fair – maybe this was Bruce’s choice? HA! Listen to me, acting like PMK hasn’t already calculated just how much money she’ll make off of Bruce’s Very Special Episode and drawing up plans to turn Rob’s old room at the Kardashian Kompound into an in-house butt injections lab at the as we speak.
And you know KUWTK will draw this shit out as long as possible. Every episode will being with Kris teasing “I think Bruce might have a big announcement today” while tapping her claw against a DVD copy of Transamerica. Then in the last 60 seconds of the season finale, Bruce will be like “I have something to tell you all. My hair is long because…” before a half-naked Kim Kardashian interrupts him by drowsy-shuffling in wearing a bikini made from human hair and saying “Speaking of hair, look how sexy I am! Bruce, you’ll have to save your announcement for Season 11. In the meantime, make yourself useful and take some pictures of me.“
Okay, maybe one or two comments. I will say that when InTouch Weekly badly Photoshops lipstick, rouge and a smart scarf from Lord & Taylor onto Bruce Jenner, he gives us “politician’s wife” glamour. Still hotter than any Kartrashian.
Well, technically the hottest look of the night goes to my dog who wore the potato chip crumbs and vodka splashes that fell on his fur as he napped on my lap during the Golden Globes last night. But the runner-up for hottest look of the night goes to Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness!
Every “Best Dressed of the 2015 Golden Globes” list is completely invalid and should be spit at if it doesn’t have this picture of Prince sitting at the top. Thousands of people had to shove a bottle of smelling salts up their asses last night when their b-holes went into a pucker frenzy from seeing Prince sashay onto the stage to present Best Song. For most of us, it’d take us just a few seconds to walk from the back of the stage to the front. But since Prince is about the size of a swan’s clit and he’s the only human on Earth who can fit into Barbie shoes, it took him approximately 45 minutes to walk from the back to the front and I nearly passed out from holding my breath the entire time.
When he got to front of the age, I expected him to smirk and say, “Surprise, bitch.”
There was so many things on Prince to gag on from his rhinestone-encrusted cane (which he randomly carried because every fashion queen needs a prop) to his pantsuit made out of the intergalactic wallpaper that hangs in Walter Mercado’s power room. Prince looked like an otherworldly Blind Mouse. See how he runs…the game.
Happy Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day, indeed!
I know; there are several things wrong with that statement. First, Mariah Carey doesn’t turn into a gorgeous anything; Mariah Carey is already the most gorgeous creature that ever existed, the end. Second, $85,000? More like $0, because you can’t put a price on Mariah’s beauty. Third, since when does Mariah require a photographer? Every picture of Mariah released in the past 10 years has been the same one, just with different hair and makeup added in Photoshop. If anything, it takes $85,000 worth of Photoshop.
But according to TMZ, a photographer has filed a lawsuit against Mimi’s record label claiming that Mimi owes him several thousand dollars after she bailed on a photo shoot for her album cover. The photographer is suing for $150,000, which includes his fee, plus the following expenses: $65,391 for a stylist, $9,600 for a hair stylist, $7,200 for a makeup artist, and $2,400 for a manicurist. In response to the lawsuit, Mimi’s record label claims they never fully agreed on the terms of the contract, and they’ve pretty much told him to jog off.
Look, it doesn’t take a trip to Judge Judy to see that this lawsuit is bogus. That entire break-down is lies upon lies, because we all know what it really costs to get Mimi camera ready:
18lb tub of crushed saltwater pearl dust to be used as highlighter on her chichis – $27,000
Motion-activated Ambien dispenser – $900
Ambien – $40,928
Collection of gorgeous unicorn hair wigs – $60,203 each
An assistant dressed as Hello Kitty to hand-feed Mimi her lunch – $350 for the costume, $0 for the assistant (she gets paid in Mimi’s love)
Post-shoot use of blur tool in Photoshop – Priceless
Then if there’s any money left over in the budget, it goes to purchasing a couple pairs of those glasses with eyes painted on the lenses to make it look like she’s still awake for when she eventually falls asleep mid-shoot. And to prove even further that Mimi doesn’t spend anywhere close to $85,000 on hair or makeup or styling, here’s Mimi performing in Australia yesterday: