Kendall, I know you walked in a Chanel show once and Anna Wintour knows your name and you’ve eaten nothing but celery and ambition for the past 6 months, but that don’t make you no supermodel hunny. Turn your head to the right and address Miss Khloe as “The Bus”, because she’s taking you to school. Take notes, bitch! This is how you give lot lizard She-Hulk realness.
Khloe Kardashian took Kendall Jenner and Scott Disick to a Rick Ross concert Friday night and she was obviously pre-gaming with Bruce Jenner, because this Daytona Beach Bike Week cycle-slut outfit has his sabotaging stink all over it. Don’t get me wrong: Khloe has never looked hotter than she does dressed as a grizzly bear Pretty Woman, but it’s also a fucking mess. Only Brucie would convince Khloe that she could cram 10lbs of pussy into 3lbs of coochie-cutters. Brucie, you cruel bitch, you! Remember, jealousy turns a 10 into a 6 (as if Brucie would ever fall lower than 8.5).
And the second she heard the ho stroll screaming out in pain from being stomped to death, RuPaul dropped what she was doing and rushed to teach Khloe how to sissy that walk.
This stunning portrait that is probably giving you the vapors will finally prove that America needs a monarchy and our King and Queen needs to be Gary Busey and Courtney Stodden, because they are a couple who is dignity and grace personified! Get on your knees and bow! Actually, you’re probably already on your knees, because that picture scared the shit out of you and you’re praying to Jesus to cleanse your eyes.
While some nothing, who cares event called the Oscars was happening at some piece of trash, low-budget venue called The Dolby Theater in Hollywood, a much more illustrious and important event called the
Annual Night of Zero Stars 24th Annual Night of 100 Stars happened in the Banquet Hall of a Quality Inn in Beverly Hills. The glittery jewels of Hollywood were all there. The Porn Iguana! Gary Busey! Brenda Dickson! Adrienne Maloof! And a hot piece who looks like a Siegfried Fischbacher statue made out of fried bologna!
Okay, the Porn Iguana and Gary Busey aren’t a real couple. If they were, we’d all know, because the stars would fall from the sky to be closer to them and your phone would immediately auto-correct to this picture every time you typed the word “love.” Besides, their love could never be, because her balloon tits would pop every time Gary flashed his horse-teeth-on-roids at them.
And fully take in the Porn Iguana’s “generic Barbie bought on Clearance at the 99 Cent store and left in a dirt patch in the backyard where it halfway melted and became a spider’s nest” beauty.
The first time I was made aware of James Maslow’s exquisite Stepford Pool Boy face in all its Maybelline glory, I thought “This kid and his beautiful rosy cheek implants are going places”. I didn’t know what place that would be (a believable testimonial in a no!no! commercial, a WeHo Zumba class) but I knew it would be big! Or at least big adjacent. And apparently the producers of Dancing With The Stars (and Star-Type Substitutes) agreed, because James Maslow will be batting dem eyelashes and smizing the shit out of the cha-cha-cha as a contestant on ABC’s Sequins & Spanx Variety Hour.
The complete cast of DWTS was revealed today, and there’s very little to get excited about (beside’s imagining the FACE-BODY-FACE James Maslow will be bringing to the dance floor every week). Because this is ~very~ important information, here’s who will be stuffing themselves into 10 yards of stretch satin every week:
Candace Cameron Bure (D.J. Tanner and submissive housewife)
Charlie White (Olympic gold medalist ice dancer)
Drew Carey (Plinko jockey)
Diana Nyad (Wikipedia tells me she’s a 64-year-old lady who likes to swim)
Cody Simpson (an Australian Bieber-type)
Meryl Davis (Charlie White’s ice dance parter. Really ABC? Two figure skaters?)
Danica McKellar (math genius/Winnie Cooper)
NeNe Leakes (platinum-haired Atlanta glamazon/spirit animal)
Amy Purdy (Paralympic snowboarder)
James Maslow (Gigolo Joe’s more natural-looking younger brother)
Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian from Staw Wars)
Sean Avery (former NHL player)
I may be jumping the gun a bit, but I’m just going to go ahead and recommend that the DWTS interns not buy any green bananas for the 64-year-old swimming enthusiast’s dressing room. If our definition of ‘star’ now includes an oldie who was insane enough to swim from Cuba to Florida, then DWTS producers might also be interested in my friend’s drunk Aunt Pam who got arrested after jumping off a booze cruise and swimming to shore in nothing but a Juicy Couture velour hoodie.
And was Kimmy Gibbler is too busy preparing for a research trip to Mars or rescuing orphans in Romania? Because there’s no way DWTS would purposely overlook her for D.J. Tanner. Everyone knows that when it comes to Full House, why go out for lukewarm cheeseburgers (D.J. Tanner, Uncle Joey, the less-present of Aunt Becky’s twins) when you have steak at home (Kimmy Gibbler, Uncle Jesse).
That picture is making me pull imaginary pubes out of my mouth.
“Oh, I didn’t know Sirius Black made a love child with a furry caterpillar” is what dozens of people said at the What’sOnStage Awards in London last night when Daniel Radcliffe sashayed on through with one of Brit Brit’s old parched weaves in his hair. DanRad installed a thirsty weave to play Igor in another movie version of Frankenstein, but he should definitely keep it after shooting finishes. He looks like a cross between a human Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and Robin Thicke in his hotter days.
All that hair! Any razor would go completely dull if you showed it this picture. That’s a picture that could make a laster hair removal machine catch fire and shut down. I take back what I said about DanRad’s weave coming from Brit Brit’s trash can. They obviously made that weave using DanRad’s shaved-off butt cheek hairs and the longer hairs from his crotch bush.
And I bet that when Hairy Potter flips that “Severus Snape after dipping in the ocean” beach hair, b-holes within a 200 feet radius explode.
“Alright goblins, first lesson. You’ll never be as beautiful and glamorous as I; you share DNA with Kris, which means the cards are already stacked against you. I advise you work with what you’ve got: shine up your hooves, embrace that forked tongue, and choose skirts that highlight your pointy devil tails. Oh, and a bit of unsolicited advice? Your skin should be pulled so tightly you can bounce a quarter off it. I can’t give you the name of my surgeon, because he only works on 10s, but I know a guy who does pro-bono work for unfortunate 5s like yourselves.”
How humble and thoughtful of Bruce Jenner to allow Khloe and notoriously-good hitter Marla Hooch to join him on Valentine’s Day. Brucie could have had his pick of Hollywood starlets, Saudi Princes, the starting lineup of the Miami Heat (“Aw, jealous!” – Kim Kardashian) but instead he chose to take pity on the gruesome twosome and invited them to have lunch with him. Angelina Jolie just got nervous and clutched her World’s Prettiest Humanitarian award a little tighter.
Here’s more of BRUCIE!! (and those two other hags) filming scenes at a cafe for Keeping Up With Satan’s A-Team. I hope the reason Khloe looks distraught is because they’re filming the scene where Brucie announces he’s leaving. “NOOOOO! She-Hulk so sad! What will people do without Bruce’s delicate features dazzling their televisions?!?!”
The BET Honors celebrated the careers of Aretha Franklin, Ice Cube and Berry Gordy in DC on Saturday night and the horny butterfly unicorn princess Mimi paid tribute to Aretha’s 8th world wonder chichis by squeezing and propping up her own tits during her performance. Yes, Aretha Franklin’s sleeping walrus chichis could easily eat Mimi’s tits whole and Aretha’s nipples are bigger than Mimi’s chest domes, but it was still a nice and fitting homage. (Although, every damn occasion is an occasion for Mimi to bring her tits out.)
While her oversized concha bread titties tried to hold onto that tit tape and keep from popping out of her elegant gown, Mimi rolled around on a piano like a grizzly bear with fleas scratching its back and yodeled out her new song “You’re Mine.” Here’s more of Mimi looking like a half drunken Capri Sun pouch (copyright: the always right Fresh) dressed up like Jessica Rabbit (“I’m not bad, I’m just Photoshopped that way“) at the BET Honors which airs later this month. Everything about this look is dignified and regal from her armpit cleavage to the top of her Spanx coming out to play.
Right above “wearing UGGs with coochie cutters,” “driving a pink car when your government name is not Angelyne or you’re not one of Mary Kay’s top associates” should be against the law in L.A. THIS IS ILLEGAL!
The permanent oozing herp sore on humanity’s peen tip that is Parasite Hilton drove up to Barney’s yesterday in one of the only cars big enough to hold her hooves. While dressed like a vapid piece of spoiled trash who’s daddy made her get a job in his real estate firm as a junior agent, Wonks got out of her pink slime Bentley in Beverly Hills. Angelyne doesn’t only have a gift for showing civilization what true glamour is, but she also has a gift for impeccable timing. Because while Wonky was doing that, Angelyne was in front of a newsstand in Hollywood showing basic bland whores like Wonky how a true goddess gets out of a pink chariot.
Face up, tits out, legs crossed. GAME POINT!
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
I have been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to think of something nice to say about Tan Mom, and all I could come up with is the following:
- Her eyes are in the right place
- She is wearing black, and black is a color
- We can’t see any active sores or lesions, so that’s good
- It appears she’s not attacking a drag queen
Even that last one is a bit of a stretch, since I can’t confirm what she did before or after this picture was taken. But if we know anything about Tan Mom – and trust me, we know too much – it’s that she probably got drunk and tried to fight something other than her own personal demons.
For those of you looking at this picture and thinking ‘To what do we owe this awful, filthy-looking pleasure?’ Tan Mom graced everyone with her presence last night at Howard Stern’s 60th birthday party in New York. I guess Howard had a spot to fill on his guest list under the column marked ‘drunk-as-fuck sadness piles’ and since White Oprah’s too busy penning the Great American Novel, he sent a cab over to New Jersey to pick up the next best thing.
And Tan Mom didn’t disappoint; she rolled up to the red carpet looking like a wasted Goldie Hawn hand puppet took a shit on a crate of rotten clementines. She also drew the number 60 on her arm, although it looks more like she had started writing GO but fell asleep before she could finish writing GET ME HELP. As for her mouth: I didn’t know Tyrone Biggums made lipstick. But all of this pales in comparison to when she dropped to the floor to fix her shoes and flashed her Tan Snatch on the way back up. You can see the crotch shot below, and my gut instinct tells me it might be NSFW, but truthfully – I’m not entirely sure we’re even looking at a crotch. It’s more of a David Lynch-ian oven-roasted chicken wing.
Step aside, Kim, Kourtney, She Hulk, The Sock One, Marla Hooch, Kris, Kendall (there are too many damn
witches in this coven people in this family) and make way for the most glamorous Kardashian, BRUCIE! Bruce Jenner was the definition of ‘Excuse my beauty, HAGS’ when he stepped out in Malibu on Saturday with long, elegant nails. I wish I could grow out beauty talons like Bruce, but mine are as stumpy as Kim’s legs, so instead I’ll stare in awe of Bruce’s hands and wonder why they haven’t been scouted by Ford Models yet. Here, let’s get a closer look:
That left hand looks like a picture out of a goddamned Modern Bride magazine, doesn’t it? I feel like at any second he’s going to throw his hand up in the air and scream to his best gurls: HE WENT TO JARED!!! I love your nails Bruce, but here’s a tip: squoval nails are more of a Khole thing (easier to crush and smash without breakage), so next time you’re at Beautiful Nail, ask them to file them in a prettier almond shape.
I know that Bruce is generally pretty quiet and reserved, but he needs to let his inner diva out because aaaavrythang about Bruce is working these days: dat hair, dem nails, those glorious hairless arms, his recent dropping of 150lbs of pure satan. Bruce is literally 2 spray tans and a belly button piercing away from entering a room by saying “Listen up 5s, a 10 is speaking!” You do you, Bruce, and don’t let the haters be jealous of your boogie.
Here’s more of Bruce stomping the parking lot like it’s a damn runway while carrying a giant black paddle. Don’t get too attached to that paddle, Bruce; the handle will no doubt mysteriously go missing the minute you invite Kim over.
(Pics via Splash)
Over the weekend, Brad Pitt worked the award show ho stroll and even though he’s had that Situation haircut for a little while, some hos still asked themselves, “But for why does this bitch look like the standby hurdy gurdy player in an Arcade Fire cover band?” Brad Pitt was asked by reporters at the Producers Guild Awards last night why he got the haircut every Williamsburg hipster bartender got in 2012 and he said that he was forced to get it for that WWII movie he’s shooting with Shia LaDouche in England. Brad Pitt’s hair was just cut that way. It wasn’t a choice! UsWeekly broke down this HIGHLY IMPORTANT news:
“It’s for a part,” Pitt, 49, told E! News at the Producers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills, where the new ‘do looked pretty much perfect with his tuxedo. “It’s not a choice!” Indeed, the military-inspired look is for his WWII role opposite Shia LaBeouf and others in Fury, which has been shooting in the UK.
My eyeballs will never forget when Brad grew the nastiest beard and looked like a mangy, down-trodden, weathered hobo billy goat who was constantly attacked by guineafowls trying to eat the fleas and maggots out of his hair. Any look is better than that look. Brad Pitt could get a portrait of the UGGs-CROCs devil child tattooed on his cheek and I’d still say, “Eh, still better than that billy goat shit.” So for that reason alone, I don’t totally hate the Macklemore on his head.
And here’s Brad with Steve McQueen and Chiwetel Ejiofor at the PGAs last night.