Category: Excuse My Beauty

“I Hereby Present…The New Pride Of England!”

July 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Or maybe he’s saying, “Okay, gentlemen, the bidding starts at 4 Euros! ….Anyone? ANYONE?

Lindsay Lohan is officially England’s problem now, because over there she’s treated like the serious artist that she is and she can focus on her craft instead of losing her focus on all that partying shit she gets into in NYC and L.A. So here’s the serious artist not focusing on all that partying shit by partying with a third tier James Gandolfini impersonator at a party for the Ischia Film Festival in Italy last night. When LiLo says she’s changed for the five billionth time, she’s really changed! Speaking of changes, the mixture of delusion, Grey Goose, Adderall and the bad shit must give LiLo the ability to morph her face, because in some picture she looks pretty good and in other pictures (see: the picture above) she looks like Ron Perlman in lazy Megan Fox drag sucking on a lemon while holding in diarrhea.

TMZ also has a picture of LiLo with her mouth open, her eyes closed and her knees on the floor after falling. The jokes have already written and published themselves. But since LiLo is totally changed now, maybe it’s not what it looks like. Maybe the European air really is really bringing out her artistry and she suddenly felt the urge to drop to her knees and let out all her raw emotion by singing “I Dreamed A Dreamed” from Les Miserables. You know, that’s what true artists do. They spontaneously do art. Or maybe LiLo was just falling down drunk and is going to sue that carpet for tripping her. Yeah, probably the latter.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!

July 8, 2014 / Posted by:

America’s real-est, down-to-earth and jokey-est best friend Jennifer Lawrence continued to be real, down-to-earth and jokey at the Dior Haute Couture show in Paris yesterday when she fed Hermione Granger a serving of her palm. Nerd boys are going to get semi-soft and disappointed when they land on this picture after Googling “Jennifer Lawrence gives Emma Watson a facial,” but they’ll still find a way to fap to it.

THAT BITCH Jennifer Lawrence. I’d like to see her try that hand mask shit on one of my chola cousins. My chola cousins spend at least one full hour painting up their faces and not since Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel has such intricate work been done. They are serious about giving glamour in the face at all times. They will leave the house in stained sweats and a hole-y Garfield shirt as long as their face says, “Just stepped out of a Glamour Shot.“ From the neck down, they’re giving “People of Walmart,” but from the neck up, they’re giving “MAC Store Assistant Manager.” Because  their painted up face is their everything, they’re one step away from walking around with a plexiglass mask on and a taser in each hand. They don’t like anyone getting near their Wet ‘N Wild beauty and if I got a tube of lipstick for every time they said, “No kisses, bitch,” to me while air hugging me from afar, I’d have ten million tubes of lipstick, which would last my cousins about a week.

So if some jokester trick ass bitch with “long-haired guinea pig after getting a body wave” hair came at them with her hand, the Academy would have to put a metal loop on all of Jennifer Lawrence’s future Oscar statues, because bitch would have hooks for hands. You mess with a chola’s beauty, you mess with her emotions.

But I see what sneaky Jennifer Lawrence is really doing here. She’s acting like, “Hahaha, I’m just joking around with Hermione, because I’m real like that,” but she’s really ruining Emma’s make-up on purpose. Hermione’s make-up game is pristine and JLaw looks like she rubbed her face between Tan Mom’s ass cheeks, so she’s trying to even the playing field. Well played, I guess.

And poor Hermione. She gets a JLaw hand to the face AND her stylist made her wear a truly hideous dress that made her look like a toddler going to a funeral in Whoville.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

Miss Delaware Got Her Crown Snatched Away For Being Too Old

June 27, 2014 / Posted by:

How DARE they take back the crown from someone who can execute such flawless Celine Dion arms?!? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!! On June 14th, 24-year-old Amanda Longacre was crowned Miss Delaware, but she wasn’t destined to dela-wear the crown (I’ll show myself out for that one) for very long. According to the NY Daily News, Amanda went from crying beautiful shimmering tears of a winner to hideous ugly saline discharge of a loser when the birthday-hating bitches at Miss America discovered that she’s too old to compete in the 2014 Miss America pageant.

According to pageant rules, women must be between the ages of 17 and 24 at the time of competition. Amanda is 24 now, but she turns 25 in October. Amanda (she really seems more like a Mandy to me, but whatever) knew shit might get shady with the judging committee, so she checked to make sure she wasn’t going to get disqualified for being a Sanka-drinking oldie. Once she was given the thumbs-up, she joined the rest of the girls to practice their group dance routine to “Conga”.

Unfortunately, no one at the Miss Delaware pageant thought to pick up the phone and double-check with their malevolent overlord Miss America. The shot-callers at Miss America took one look at Amanda’s birth certificate and told her to trade in her crown for a Hoveround and an AARP membership, because she was TOO OLD to strut her stuff in a swimsuit and pumps. Amanda says that along with being disqualified from Miss America, they’ve also made her give back the 9,000 scholarship, and gave the crown to her younger runner-up, Brittany Lewis.

I know beauty pageants are all sorts of shady, but damn if something in the teeth-Vaseline doesn’t seem clean. Everybody in Delaware told Amanda she was a-ok to wave and smile and sing Melissa Manchester and wish for World Peace, and now the second she got the crown, Miss America hisses that she’s too old? RUDE! Like that old geezer should talk; Miss America was born in 1921! Bitch is just jealous nobody wants to see her wrinkly 93-year-old ass sashay down the runway in a swimsuit and pumps!

Pic: The Cape Gazette

This IS The Look: Nicolas Cage Wears A T-Shirt With His Face On It

June 8, 2014 / Posted by:

No, this picture was not taken at a costume party where the theme was Rejected Members of the Village People. This picture of Nicolas Cage and Andrew Dice Clay looking a mess was taken backstage at a Guns N Roses concert in Las Vegas last night night. Only Nicolas Cage could make a complete outfit of a cowboy hat (which cost $950,000 and once belonged to the real Buffalo Bill), gold aviators (which cost $300,000 and once belonged to Elvis), a purple blazer (which cost $15,000 and was worn by Bette Midler in Big Business), gold beads (which are really solid gold anal beads, cost $2,600,000 and were once up King Tut’s asshole), a gaudy ass gold ring (which cost $860,000 and once belonged to Liberace), gun holsters (which cost $1,000,000 and once belonged to Billy the Kid), a cane (which cost $160,000 and once belonged to Charlie Chaplin) and $20 fringed pants from a pimp store in Reno.

Nicolas Cage looks like he woke up naked in a motel room after the hooker he picked up stole all his clothes and money and he had to buy an outfit at a rest stop gift shop using the change he had in the ashtray of his car. Nicolas Cage looks like a bottom tier pimp whose hos are only with him because they feel sorry for his ass.

In other words, this is Nicolas Cage’s greatest look and nothing proudly says “I’m a crazy bitch” like unironically wearing a t-shirt with your own meme on it.

via Instagram

This Is The Look: Peter Dinklage With A Mullet

June 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Add Peter Dinklage’s name to the short list of hos who brought glamour, style and poise to their high school yearbook picture. A Redditor posted this picture of Peter Dinklage looking like a guinea pig is taking a nap on his head while posing for his 1987 graduation picture at The Delbarton School in Morristown, N.J. He was the Bay City Roller that never was.

This is a cross between 80s Ellen DeGeneres and Uncle Jesse. It’s party in the front AND party in the back.

via Reddit (Thanks Kim)

The Elusive Public Transportation Rider Takes The Subway

May 30, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s been years, decades, centuries and eons since Mimi has taken the little train that takes the peasants to their cubicle jobs and I’m surprised she still knows what the subway is. I would’ve guessed that she completely forgot about the subway and she thought the white steam rising from the ground was from an underground smoke machine that was solely set up for her to have impromptu glamorous Instagram photo shoots in front of. (Note: You truly haven’t visited NYC until you’ve had a glamorous photo shoot in front of that nasty, subway steam.) Mimi only travels in an Escalade chariot with strawberry-scented Hello Kitty fur covering the seats. But since she’s got an album to sell, Mimi documented her ride on the 1 train to the Fresh Air Fund Gala in Chelsea last night.

While wearing the dress that your mom called “too skanky” when you two went shopping for prom dresses at Windsor Fashions in 1994, Mimi and her entourage got on the 1 train and she sat her Wuzzle ass on a seat that a homeless dude probably wiped his ass on hours earlier. Oh, the trials and tribulations of a diva trying to push copies of her album.

I don’t know if these pictures are real. I refuse to believe that Mimi will sit on a seat that isn’t wrapped in cashmere and hasn’t been stuffed with swan feathers. Mimi’s on-call Photoshop artist probably whipped up these pictures last night. Mimi tried to take the subway, but as soon as she got down there and realized that the train didn’t have a bar car or a primping car, she snapped her fingers and her minions carried her back up to safe land.

Pics: Instagram, Splash, Wenn.com

Finally, Someone Brought Sexy Dowager Countess Beaded Chichi Glamour To Cannes

May 21, 2014 / Posted by:

“Dear God, it’s that time again; my hourly prayer to thank you for the miracle that is my life. Who would have thought that a human puggle most famous for eating a bag of shrooms in Super Troopers would be married to this heavenly ambrosia earth angel.”Geoffrey Arend, who looks like he’s trying to lick up the tears of happiness that fall down his cheeks every time he remembers who he’s married to.

Christina Hendricks, seen here in the ‘Excuse my beauty’ stance used to push all ghosts of basic bitch past aside to make enough room for her glamour, may have covered up her effervescent chesticles for her walk down the Cannes red carpet, but they’re with us in spirit. Sadly, she wasn’t walking the red carpet for the French premiere of Le Mad Men, so there will be no pictures of the Hammaconda in a striped shirt and beret with its balls clutching a baguette and a lit cigarette. No, she was there for the premiere of Ryan Gosling’s directorial debut film Lost River. And I dub this look Lost Glasses, because in that fancy beaded table runner and poorly-placed wig, she sort of looks like someones great grandmother 3 scotches deep at a wedding. Which isn’t to say she doesn’t look hot; quite the opposite, actually. There’s nothing hotter than a 95-year-old throwing back the hard shit while using a salad fork to scratch the itch under her wig and asking everyone around the table if their brassieres are as uncomfortable as hers.

As for Lost RiverTIME says the critics hissed out a chorus of boooooos during the screening, with reviews ranging from “pretentious horseshit” to “If a $200 haircut and $900 shades were given lots of money to defecate on Detroit, the result would be Ryan Gosling’s directing debut” (You bitch! Call me?). Thankfully Christina’s grandmotherly bosom was on hand to comfort Ryan Gosling; nothing dries tears faster than falling into the open arms of Christina Hendricks and snuggling into her feel-better boobies while she stokes your hair and whispers “There there, little Gosling, it’s going to be ok.”

Pics: Splash

What In The Name Of Slutty Morticia Addams Is Going On Here?

May 19, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, how dare I compare singer Charli XCX and her messy pile of black mosquito netting to the exquisite goth glamour of shameless true blue slut Morticia Addams. I’m honestly hanging in my head in shame. And quite frankly, so should Charli XCX; the bar for pseudo-gothic skanky side-boob was set pretty high by Rose McGowan, so unless you’re planning on showing up in nothing but a thong and two spiders glued to your nipples, don’t even bother.

But because I believe in giving credit where credit’s due, Charli XCX gets a single clap of approval from me for at least trying to inject some trampy glamour into the 2014 Bill-bored Music AwardzzzzThe Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher must have had to check her invitation four times to see if she was at the right event, because everyone showed up to the Billboard Awards in Las Vegas in fancy-ass ball gowns and Grace Kelly-looking hair like it was the damn Oscars. Which is all kinds of “excuse you, bitch”-levels of wrong, because if any award show held in Las Vegas is on par with the Oscars, it’s the AVN Awards (DUH). Charl XCX is clearly wiser than her 21 years; she understood that the Billboard Awards are the Grammy Award’s nitrous-huffing burnout cousin and dressed appropriately.

Here’s more of Charli XCX wearing Hot Topic’s version of the slut dress (“Can you check in the back to see if we have any more of those Edgar Allan Poe-job dresses?”) at the Billboring Awardzzzz, as well as her partner in copyright infringement Iggy Azalea who chose classy over trashy (bad move, always choose trashy if you’ve got the ass for it), Jennifer Lopez showing us what the unedited pictures of her A.K.A. album cover looked like before she destroyed all evidence of their existence, the gas station bath salts Grace Kelly Kesha, Kanye’s old My Size Barbie Amber Rose in a pair of your Memaw’s solar shields, JOSH “oh, the things I would so would“ GROBAN, and a super jacked-looking wig with guest (guest: Chrissy Teigen).

Pics: Splash

This Is The Look: RiRi’s Cotton Candy Wig And Hard Nips

May 16, 2014 / Posted by:

 

A sequined butterfly disco top really would’ve taken this look to the upper echelons of class.

Since RiRi’s single now and is done with putting skid marks on the floor from fucking on Wheelchair Jimmy in his chair, she threw one of Nicki Minaj’s merkins on top of her head, dipped her nipples in a bowl of ice to get them nice and hard, threw on a white tank top and took her ass to the Thunder vs. Clippers game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night. RiRi looks like a Hunts Point ho who lures prospective johns to her corner by twerking on cars and is always bragging about how the other hoookers are jealous of her because she looks like a black Pink and because she gives the best handjob on the block. That wig looks like flattened cotton candy, but it does her face good.

And in related news, an animal hospital ambulance was called to the mansion of Donald Sterling after that evil amphibian choked on his own lizard tongue after seeing black people sitting courtside at a Clippers game. I wish RiRi would’ve texted him from her courtside seat and asked him if he wanted to play some golf.

 

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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In “SANTO DIOS, Let This Be True!” News: Bruce Jenner And Cher Are Dating

May 15, 2014 / Posted by:

File under: This is the kind of magic that happens when a creative writing major gets an internship at InTouch Weekly.

There’s only 6 answers to the question, “Who is fabulous and fancy enough to hold their own next to the glamorous swan Bruce Jenner?” The answers are: Harald Glööckler, Walter Mercado, Angelyne, Verdine White, a grey poodle in a red sequined smock and CHER! So that’s why this totally real and not-at-all made-up story from The Wall Street Journal of tabloids InTouch Weekly is Botoxed perfection covered in cotton candy-flavored lip gloss. A source (FYI: The name of InTouch’s intern is Alexander Source) says that Bruce Jenner is cleansing his palate of Pimp Mama Kris’ Satantic venom with the high-gloss, oil-based paint that Cher smears on her lips. The source went on to say that Cher and Bruce Jenner (couple name: BruChe. Saying “Broo-Shay” out loud will make a Barbie earring poot out of your b-hole. Yes, that’s where missing Barbie earrings go) have known each other since the 70s and lately they’ve been getting closer and closer and have spent time together at her house in Malibu.

“Cher has been a real confidante to Bruce about his marital problems with Kris,” an insider tells In Touch, explaining that although Cher and Bruce have been friends since the ’70s, they’ve recently been texting and talking nonstop. “They’ve become even closer since Bruce has been spending more time in Malibu — where Cher lives.”

And the recently rekindled friendship is seriously irking the 58-year-old momager. “Kris hasn’t completely given up on her marriage to Bruce yet, so she sees Cher as a threat,” the insider tells In Touch.

“Kris believes that a Bruce-Cher romance is a very real possibility,” says the insider, “and it really upsets her.”

Of course Pimp Mama Kris’ ass lips are getting hot over this. She’s the ambassador to Hell whose sole job is to bring darkness to the world and Cher is an earth angel whose sole job is to bring glitter, wigs and lightness to the world. This is the ultimate battle of good vs. cuntiness and Cher always wins. But who cares about PMK. This is about the most stunning couple of our time. They’re like the lesbian Siegfried and Roy. If the cross-dressing rumors about Bruce are true, then his porn must be Cher’s closet. When friends say, “Those two are so in love that they never leave the house,” they’re not lying.

When they’re not lip-synching to Cher’s songs while strutting around in her wigs and ass-less bedazzled bodysuits in her closet, they’re getting real intimate with each other. No, they don’t fuck. They both don’t want to ruin their makeup. On romantic nights, Cher slips into something more comfortable (read: a rhinestone encrusted hospital gown), gently grabs Bruce’s freshly manicured paw, leads him to a darkened room down the hall, sits him in a chair next to hers and then pulls out two gold syringes full of life’s beauty serum: BOTOX. They take turns filling each other’s faces with that hot sticky Botox and after they’ve repeatedly convulsed with pleasure, they get up and collapse on a faux fur rug where they lie down while talking about astrology for 3 hours. They’re the perfect couple. And no, I have no thoughts on the Ukraine situation, but I have a lot of thoughts about a fake story from InTouch. I’m a really well-rounded individual.

And here’s Bruce Jenner having a moment with the luckiest banana in the world on Mother’s Day:

Pics: Splash

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