My dog is almost 16 years old (that’s “Larry King” in dog years) and so he’s either reached the age where he can’t hold his piss anymore or he’s reached the age where he doesn’t give a shit enough to hold his piss. So whenever he’s inside, he’s gotta wear a diaper (he’s my current fashion icon, honestly). Yesterday was the first time in a long time when he didn’t piss in his pooch Pamper. He must’ve been feeling extra fresh and gorgeous, which explains why it looked like he was thinking to himself, “That raggedy homely thing ain’t got shit on me,” when he looked up at the screen as I watched the crowning of the winner of the 142nd Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night.
The world always needs laughs, but the world really needs laughs after today’s Trump news that is making the planet cry aerosol tears of sadness. So, an interview from my favorite comedian Goopy Paltrow was farted up onto the internet at the right time. Goopy did an interview with Net-A-Porter’s The Edit (via Refinery29) where she continued to prove that the dingles she sharts out while defending Goop are as precious as the articles on Goop themselves.
The PPP Foundation (Plight of the Pretty People Foundation) was founded recently by Charlize Theron, Jessica Biel and Kit Harington (no, it wasn’t) to bring awareness to all of the eyeball-burning hot actors who have a hard time getting roles because casting directors can’t look past their gorgeous beauty. Halle Berry may join the board soon.
Charlize summoned a tidal wave of eye rolls when she cried that none of the meaty roles in movies are written for a “gorgeous, gown-wearing eight-foot model,” and Halle didn’t exactly echo that, but she did say she had to prove that she’s more than just a stunning goddess of beauty.
It looks like we’re going to have to update the definition of the phrase “Excuse my beauty” twice today. Once for the pup on the left giving us demure cross-legged bashful arm candy, and once for the gorgeous BBP (big beautiful pooch) shamelessly showing off her pug goodies on the right.
This weekend, Clint Eastwood’s second ex-wife Dina Eastwood married the guy she left her rich pepaw husband for. And as you can see, it was an incredibly elegant affair. People says Dina and her new husband Scott Fisher got married in Santa Barbara, which I’m positive is where 98% of famous people get married. Instead of having human bridesmaids who might try to steal yo man or upstage your ass, Dina put two of her pugs, Morgy and Chica, in some very exquisite doggy gowns and let them lead her down the aisle. Morgy was actually the Maid of Honor.
One quick peek at Dina’s Instagram will tell you that she’s majorly into her pugs, so it’s not exactly a surprise that she would make them a part of her wedding. Sadly, Morgy and Chica broke Bridesmaid Rule #1 by totally upstaging the bride. Especially Chica (the chunkier one with her tongue and business hanging out). Chica is really giving Gary Fisher a run for his money in the scene-stealing dog department. Like, how are you supposed to compete for attention around a dog like Chica? You can’t. But I don’t think Chica does it on purpose; when you’re a perfect 10, it’s hard not to get noticed.
That picture above is perfect for many reasons. But I really love it because Morgy and Chica’s faces totally look like a version of the comedy/tragedy masks that represent the two main emotions of being at a wedding reception. Morgy (tragedy) is all “Ugh, where’s the bar“, and Chica (comedy) is all “LOL I FOUND IT!!”
Go ahead and add that picture to Tom Brady’s ever-growing gallery of one hundred percent pure hair fabulousness:
Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen and their kids strut out of some restaurant in NYC today after having lunch and you can’t tell from these pictures, but animal control chased after him, because they thought that thing on his head was a dead Lhasa Apso.
Yes, Gisele Bundchen was at one time the highest paid model in the world and was on the cover of a bunch of magazines or whatever, but the real fashion star of the family is Tom Brady. Tom has given us a douche mop (see: picture on the left), a douche tail (see: picture in the middle), a douche hawk (see: picture on the right), and today he looked like he scalped Justin Bieber circa 2010 and threw that trick’s hair on his head. There’s also a touch of early-90s Bruce Jenner in there. You know the Salon Selectives jingle was playing in his head as he strut in front of the paparazzi. Salon glow….
With those glasses on, Tom looks like he’s starring in a really low-budget community theater production of American Gigolo: The Musical and that really is the look.
Don’t hate Charlize Theron for looking beautiful even while suffering from coke burn (see: picture above).
To think, us average-faced homelies used to think that all of you tall, gorgeous people have it so easy. You mostly get hired for a job over an ugly troll. You get promotions quicker too. You also don’t even have to think about bringing your wallet to the bar, because some trick will always buy you a cup of the sweet nectar. And whenever you want hot dick, you just swipe right and BOOM, hot dick lands in your lap. Sometimes when I’m in a long ass line at Trader Joe’s, I wish that I was hot, because then I’d be able to cut in front of all of the dowdy regulars. They’d be happy about it too, because then they’d have a better view of my beauty. But you know, I don’t think that gorgeous people have it good anymore. Charlize Theron, the Martin Luther King Jr. of tall, gorgeous people, has exposed fugly people privilege and opened up our eyes to the suffering of the beautiful ones!