Category: Excuse My Beauty

RUDE! Two Beauty-Hating Assholes Have Been Bullying Bruce Jenner On The Golf Course

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, I can’t believe it either. But according to TMZ, there are a couple of dickheads out there who have committed the unspeakably evil act of coming for flawless life diamond Bruce Jenner on the golf course. Have fun giving never-ending blowjobs to Satan, assholes, cause you just earned a yourselves a one-way ticket to Hell!

TMZ says that almost everyone who golfs with Bruce at his Thousand Oaks club loves him (DUH, he’s practically a living breathing Precious Moments angel figurine), but recently he’s found himself on the receiving end of some bitchy Mean Girl behavior. A source claims that one golfer passed Bruce and yelled: “How’s your dick?“. Rather than telling the truth and explaining that he’s still in the process of retrieving it from Kris Jenner’s klaws, Bruce replied by joking: “It’s right here. It hasn’t worked in 20 years.” Shortly after, another golfer cornered him in the locker room and started making fun of his gorgeous ombré ponytail before joking that he was going to cut it off.

Those caddy shack cunts! How DARE they come for Bruce like that? They’re obviously just jealous that God didn’t bless them with a glorious head of shimmering shoulder-length chestnut-colored hair or the right undertones to work a tricky color like Magenta Splash on their nails. Not to mention it must kill them every day to walk into the locker room and find a come-to-life Greek God staring back at them while working that body-oddy-oddy like “Oh, this old thing?

I feel compelled to get Bruce a giant cookie cake from Mrs. Fields that says “DON’T LET THOSE JEALOUS BITCHES GET YOU DOWN, BOO BOO!“, but it would be a total waste of money. Bruce would be like “Who?? What jealous bitches?“. He probably doesn’t even know they exist. An opulent diva like Bruce has no time for tacky beauty-hating hags!

Pics: Splash

Mimi Gives Shanghai Body And Glamour

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m assuming that it’s illegal in Shanghai to run around pussy lips naked in public, because if it wasn’t the delicate, unicorn-voiced horny glitter butterfly that is Mimi would’ve performed at her show last night in nothing but heels, crotch-less Spanx and Hello Kitty nipple tassels. But since Mimi abides by all laws she kept it conservative and demure by wearing an easy-access, fuck-me prom dress co-designed by Trash Heap and GLAD. The Elusive Chanteuse continued to elude clothes when she performed at the Hongkou Soccer Stadium in a stunning trash bag half-dress that was cut so high that one false move and everyone would’ve seen her Spanx-wrapped unicorn poon.

When I still lived in NYC and my sister worked at Rockefeller Center, I’d visit her for lunch sometimes and I’d regularly see a homeless woman bring high fashion couture to the streets by wearing a long gown made out of trash bags. As she stomped through the streets, her long, trash bag train would flow in the wind and it gave me Priscilla Queen of the Desert vibes. I’d like to think that one day while lounging at the top of her Tribeca castle, Mimi peeked into her pink crystal embedded telescope to scan the streets below to see how her subjects were doing and she spotted that trash bag gown and that’s what inspired this look. It goes without saying, but the homeless woman at Rockefeller wore it better.

In other Mimi news, she answered to the hos saying that she’s lost her voice by tweeting this video of her screeching out crystal clear garage door opening notes while “cleaning“:

Three things:

1. Mimi can’t even fake clean right. But in her defense, picking up that vase and putting it down 4 seconds later is the most housework she’s doing in yeeeeeeeears, darling.

2. I took that “duuur-tay tank tops” comment as a diss to Nick Cannon.

3. Since I am now temporarily deaf as fuck, can somebody please call 911 and tell them that my dog packed all his shit in a sack on a stick and ran away from home for exposing him to that sound?

Pics: AP

Bruce Jenner Is Dating Pimp Mama Kris’ Best Friend

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

I see that Pimp Mama Kris came up with a new storyline for her reality shit show.

When Pimp Mama Kris filed for divorce from the face of Lana Del Rey’s future known as Bruce Jenner, I expected him to pack up his Kit N Caboodle, slide into his convertible, check his lip gloss situation in the rearview mirror, put on his orange aviators, blast Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” hit the gas and never ever look back. But that didn’t happen, because it looks like Pimp Mama Kris still has her devil claws wrapped around his strawberry shampoo-scented mane of luscious glamour.

Both TMZ and People threw up posts today claiming that Bruce is pressing his pool noodle lips onto the face of PMK’s best friend and former assistant Ronda Kamihira. A sores (typo and it stays) tells TMZ that Ronda is a 51-year-old divorced mother of 2 and she’s been friends with the Jenners for years and years. Ronda lives in the same neighborhood as Bruce and PMK and the two families have gone on vacation and spent holidays together. The “source” also says that Ronda is the Taylor Swift to PMK’s Karlie Kloss, because she’s been Single White Female-ing PMK. Family members say that it seems like Ronda wants to become PMK. Let me guess, the source (Hi, PMK) also went on to say, “But really, who can blame Ronda? Kris Jenner is thee most naturally beautiful, sexy, intelligent and caring women in the world. I think it’s weird that every woman isn’t try to be her! Not now, Satan. Now now. I’m on the phone with TMZ. I’ll give you a sacrifice later.

People’s source says that PMK is “devastated “and can’t believe that her friend of 20 years and her ex-husband would betray her like this.

There are not enough Bitch, Pleases in the world for me to properly react to this story. This is probably another fake storyline cooked up by PMK. The only way PMK would be genuinely devastated and heartbroken about something is if someone burned a $100 bill in front of her. If her house caught on fire when she wasn’t home, the first think she’d ask after finding out is, “Did my safe full of money make it out okay?” In fact, that’s probably how the producers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians are going to bring the raw emotion out of PMK while shooting the scene where she finds out that Bruce is dating her friend. A producer is going to hold a gun to a stack of hundreds  in front of her and the tears are just going to pore out of PMK’s pulled face. She’s going to win a special Emmy for that performance.

E! says that TMZ and People are wrong and Bruce and Ronda are just friends. I hope E! is right, because Bruce needs to get away from PMK and dating her friend is not getting away from her. Bruce should run off and become a counselor at Camp Camellia or something.

Pics: Pacific Coast News

Beauty, Thy Name Is Brucie Serving Up Some Effortless Land’s End Elegance

October 5, 2014 / Posted by:

The wind-swept hair. That youthful easy breezy CoverGirl glow. The casual gingham blouse unbuttoned just enough to reveal a hint of sun-kissed décolletage. I know that RuPaul wrote “Supermodel (Of The World)” about herself, but I’m starting to think it’s time she donated it to Bruce Jenner, since he clearly owns the title now.

But she should change the lyrics first, since you don’t have to remind Bruce that he better work – he does that shit without even trying! Proof: Bruce wasn’t even moving when this picture was taken. Heaven’s hottest earth angel doesn’t have to sashay shante to make it look like the wind is gently blowing through his feathered chestnut wings. All Bruce has to do is stand in one spot and his devastating beauty sends out an “I’m here bitch” message into the atmosphere, and the wind comes to him! And Bruce DOESN’T twirl; you only get one angle, and that’s if you’re lucky. Gazing upon Brucie’s beauty is a privilege, not a right!

But for why did the most gorgeous Kardashian decide to bless us with a sight of his ageless face and silky Breck Girl mane? Because he’s a goddamn humanitarian and our eyes were in desperate need of some high-class beauty and sophistication, that’s why! So he decided to put on a chic Land’s End blouse and a pair of diamond studs (how Hamptons of you Brucie) and join his son Brandon Jenner and Brandon’s wife at the Elton John concert in Los Angeles last night. Poor Elton; even with sunglasses on, I bet it was really hard to concentrate on playing the piano with such a shimmering jewel blinding him in the audience.

Here’s more of My Beautiful Bruce looking like the prototype for every Disney Prince ever, and proving he can still werk it Wheaties-style by hurdling over a fence. I wish there was a video of that – I wanna see Bruce’s butt in action! Oh yes honey! Must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake!

Pics: Splash

ICYMI: Barbra Streisand Graces Late-Night TV With Her Smooth, Cholesterol-Filled Voice For The First Time In 50 Years

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Above is Jimmy Fallon demonstrating what happens when you splash melted buttah onto a mirror in the bathroom of a gay bath house while chanting “Barbra, can you hear me?” three times in a row. You get a “Hello, Gorgeous” in your ear.

Barbra Streisand was on SNL for a quick minute in 1992 and she made an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman in 1994, but it’s been half a century since she’s been a guest on a late-night talk show. Barbra ended her late-night dry spell last night by going on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Babs was a guest on The Tonight Show a million years ago when Johnny Carson was the host.

While wearing Dracula’s business suit, Jennifer Aniston’s future face and with her hair laid like Ron Perlman’s Beast wig, Barbra pimped out her new album Partners and then sang a medley of songs from her new album with Jimmy Fallon who filled in for Elvis, Blake Shelton and Michael BoobLays. Buttah the inside of your ears with this pristine flawlessness and picture Lea Michele and a bunch of old gays rubbing themselves to it:

You can watch more clips of the episode here (scroll dooooown) or you can go to the lobby of the Scientology Centre in L.A. and watch hardcore Streisand fanboy John Travolta perform the whole thing by himself. “His Streisand is otherwordly!” – Xenu

Pic: Instagram

 

Open Post: Hosted By Mickey Rourke’s Wild Coif Of Perfection

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Shhh, nobody wake up the sleeping, elderly long-haired skunk on Mickey Rourke’s head. It’s been tasered several times, dragged through the river by a pack of wild dogs, electrocuted on a fence and forced to listen to a Nickelback album in its entirety. It’s been through a lot and needs to rest. Mickey Rourke is an angel on earth for providing it with a safe haven.

Here’s Chunk’s best friend forever leaving Nello’s in NYC yesterday while looking like a Russian count circa 1858 who traveled to a strange land known as America to live out his dream of becoming an old western pimp in a small town. Mickey Rourke’s ensembles are always next level sharp, but that animal on his head is what got all the attention and made strangers on the street scream for the ASPCA. I don’t know if that’s a wig that’s sinking into his skin or if all those fillers in his face mutated and are eating away at his hair. Whatever the case is, it’s something. Looking like Beethoven after getting a train ran on him in the bushes IS the look.

Pics: Splash

Would You Hit It?

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Douche of all trades and professional gay baiter James Franco threw up this picture on Instagram today and showed everyone what it looks like when he takes a bottle of Sun-In, a straightening iron and L.A. Looks pomade to his hair (or what it looks like when he puts on a Martina Navratilova wig). Since James Franco is an artistic chameleon and only chooses roles that strengthen his title as the most avant-garde actor of our time and every time, I’m guessing that he slapped the blond into his hair to play Nick Carter in Lifetime’s Diary Of A Meth Face: The Aaron Carter Story. A cracked out albino turtle with a Dollar Tree spray tan will play Aaron.

James Franco with a bleached mop looks like Stuart Smalley’s estranged brother, Shane Smalley, who has been arrested several times for stealing the Silica gel packets from packs of beef jerky at Walmart (yes, Silica gel is his drug of choice, DUH) and was fired from his job as a janitor at Jiffy Lube after he got caught sticking his dick in the gas tank opening of a VW Jetta. The last time Stuart Smalley invited his brother over for iced tea and egg salad sandwiches, Shane Smalley stole half of his cardigan collection and sold it in a stoop sale for wine cooler money. Shane Smalley writes “boobs” as “bewbz” and he stills uses AOL chatrooms to pick up tricks. His AOL name is BlndeBoi88. He was born in 1978.

With all that being said, yes, yes, I’d hit it, because it’s the closest I’d ever get to doing Nick Carter circa 1999.

And here’s James Franco a little over a week ago at the NYC premiere of Child Of God with his live-in lover Scott Haze.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Barbra Streisand’s Inaugural Instagram Portrait Is A Technological Wonder

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Barbra Streisand popped her Instagram cherry the other day by posting this casual picture of her being casual in her casual backyard with her casual dog Samantha. I don’t even think Barbra knows that the camera is there! It’s that candid. That isn’t backlighting. That’s God smiling behind her.

Barbra is so generous to share this intimate moment with her fans. When 72-year-old Barbra isn’t raising the worldwide cholesterol levels with her buttery voice, she spontaneously lounges on a lounge chair right after workers from Madame Tussauds slather gallons of wax all over her mug, a mortician sprays her down with thermogenic makeup, three stylists dress her up like a powerful pilgrim business woman, Ken Paves tends to her bitch’s hair and a choreographer arranges her in the perfect pose. And while Barbra casually lounges, team of graphic artists stretch their fingers on the sidelines as they prepare themselves for all the retouch work they’re about to do. So casual, so “laissez-faire” as Samantha would say if she could speak human words out loud, because that fancy bitch definitely speaks French.

Or maybe that’s not Barbra Streisand at all…. Maybe Barbra’s Instagram team got confused and accidentally posted a still of Jennifer Aniston as Reverend Henry Kane in a reboot of Poltergeist 2. It’s hard to tell. Whatever the case may be, I hope this is the only picture that Barbra Instagrams, because nothing can top it.

And in other Barbra news, The National Enquirer says that Barbra’s marriage to James Brolin is “on the rocks” after she caught him eye-fucking the whore of all whores at some party. Radar put it like this:

Barbra Streisand is furious with husband James Brolin for keeping up with Kim Kardashian. RadarOnline.com has learned that Babs accused her man of ogling the reality star during a recent event — and it’s causing a marriage crisis!

According to the new issue of The National ENQUIRER, Streisand “hit the roof” when she found out that Brolin leered at none other than “boob-licious” Kardashian at an A-list party.

James Brolin wasn’t “ogling.” James was staring, because he couldn’t take his eyes off of that slow-moving train wreck while telling himself that he’s so lucky to be married to an all-natural blossom like Barbra.

Here’s a few pictures of Barbra leaving a Memorial Day party in May. You know, I’m pretty sure that the stunning Instagram picture above is Barbra in her natural state and these pictures below were highly Photoshopped. Barbra obviously asked the photo agency to Photoshop her until she looked human so the public wouldn’t be threatened by her alien-like beauty.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Now, For An “Excuse My Beauty” Moment From Kristen Stewart

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

When Hollywood actress, fashion muse, and professional scowler Kristen Stewart showed up to a Chanel show in Paris three weeks ago looking like a discount Drop Dead Fred had a three-way with I Dream of Jeannie’s butch sister and a Joey Russo doll, my eyes glazed over from the intense concentration of glamour and I fell into a style coma. When I woke up, I prayed that one day Kristen would return to stun us once again with her effortless (read: zero effort) no-fucks-given style. And she did! This morning, Kristen Stewart turned the moving walkways of LAX into a haute couture runway when she sashayed through security looking like Skid Row Ron Weasley. I think this may be a sartorial best for K-Stew.

Kristen also sort of looks like what you’d get it if The Hamburglar knocked up Linda Perry, and she gave the baby to a glue-huffing Fry Kid who raised the baby in that weird sketchy party room that every McDonald’s has in the basement (you know, the one that smells like cheap cake and sadness and cheese?) and her only contact with the outside world was a partially-scratched Joy Division CD she found in the parking lot one night, which is to say…c’est magnifique.

Here’s more of Kristen Stewart redefining effortless chic and classic American style at LAX earlier today. I don’t know what NTF or NJF means, but I assume it either stands for Not Terribly Funky (she looks like she smells funky, but not terribly so) or New Junkie Fashion:

Pics: Fame Flynet

“I Hereby Present…The New Pride Of England!”

July 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Or maybe he’s saying, “Okay, gentlemen, the bidding starts at 4 Euros! ….Anyone? ANYONE?

Lindsay Lohan is officially England’s problem now, because over there she’s treated like the serious artist that she is and she can focus on her craft instead of losing her focus on all that partying shit she gets into in NYC and L.A. So here’s the serious artist not focusing on all that partying shit by partying with a third tier James Gandolfini impersonator at a party for the Ischia Film Festival in Italy last night. When LiLo says she’s changed for the five billionth time, she’s really changed! Speaking of changes, the mixture of delusion, Grey Goose, Adderall and the bad shit must give LiLo the ability to morph her face, because in some picture she looks pretty good and in other pictures (see: the picture above) she looks like Ron Perlman in lazy Megan Fox drag sucking on a lemon while holding in diarrhea.

TMZ also has a picture of LiLo with her mouth open, her eyes closed and her knees on the floor after falling. The jokes have already written and published themselves. But since LiLo is totally changed now, maybe it’s not what it looks like. Maybe the European air really is really bringing out her artistry and she suddenly felt the urge to drop to her knees and let out all her raw emotion by singing “I Dreamed A Dreamed” from Les Miserables. You know, that’s what true artists do. They spontaneously do art. Or maybe LiLo was just falling down drunk and is going to sue that carpet for tripping her. Yeah, probably the latter.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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