Melissa Joan Hart has gone public with her amazing transformation from Sabrina The Teenage Witch to Ice Cold Middle-Aged Holy Judgmental Bitch. You can go ahead and add Melissa to the list of former pre-teen idols that has fallen on hard times. Melissa has gone public with her innermost beliefs, which are that if you don’t believe in Sweet Baby Jesus, you are basically a terrible person who should stay away from her kids. This has many people calling her a lo-fi anti-Semetic.
Two weeks ago, Blake Lively decided to celebrate Ryan Reynolds’ first Father’s Day by posting a picture on Instagram of her husband carrying around their 6-month-old baby James. Rather than receiving a million comments saying “Aw sOoOoOo cute!!!“, a bunch of moms exploded into a mob of angry snakes and hissed at Ryan for not putting his baby in the carrier properly. Well, while hustling his new movie Self/Less on the TODAY show Tuesday morning, Ryan admitted he was wrong and promised to not let it happen again.
“The baby’s not properly secured in the vessel that I’m wearing there. I’m a first-time dad, and that is not the first mistake I’ve made. I can guarantee you it won’t be last. I’d never used that particular carrier before. Every other time has been perfect.”
I would love to know what some of the other mistakes Ryan has made are. I’m sure if you asked Blake Lively, most of them probably have to do with feeding Baby James strained peas straight from the jar instead of hand-mashing freshly-picked petits pois and serving it out of a rustic antique mason jar.
Shortly before he made good with one group, Ryan managed to accidentally piss off another. During the audience Q&A portion of a recent interview with AOL, Ryan Reynolds was asked what it’s like to have a wife who “literally slays it on the red carpet with whatever outfit she has on” and what he thinks about Beyonce. Ryan cemented his name at the top of the Beyhive’s shit list for the rest of his living days by answering with the following:
“My wife knows how to work a red carpet, I’ll say that. She might be the Beyonce of red carpets. And Beyonce, she’s the Michael Jordan of music to me. I’ve seen four of her shows, and that’s what comes to mind every time.”
I’m sorry, but doesn’t Ryan realize that her royal highness Beyonce is the queen of everything? Beyonce is the Beyonce of the red carpet. Beyonce is also the Beyonce of basketball (sorry, Michael Jordan). Beyonce is the Beyonce of Beyonce. I don’t even know what that means, but according to Beyonce, that’s a 100% true fact.
Here’s Ryan hustling Self/Less yesterday in what appears to be the lobby of a Holiday Inn.
I know, I can’t believe it either. But according to TMZ, there are a couple of dickheads out there who have committed the unspeakably evil act of coming for flawless life diamond Bruce Jenner on the golf course. Have fun giving never-ending blowjobs to Satan, assholes, cause you just earned a yourselves a one-way ticket to Hell!
TMZ says that almost everyone who golfs with Bruce at his Thousand Oaks club loves him (DUH, he’s practically a living breathing Precious Moments angel figurine), but recently he’s found himself on the receiving end of some bitchy Mean Girl behavior. A source claims that one golfer passed Bruce and yelled: “How’s your dick?“. Rather than telling the truth and explaining that he’s still in the process of retrieving it from Kris Jenner’s klaws, Bruce replied by joking: “It’s right here. It hasn’t worked in 20 years.” Shortly after, another golfer cornered him in the locker room and started making fun of his gorgeous ombré ponytail before joking that he was going to cut it off.
Those caddy shack cunts! How DARE they come for Bruce like that? They’re obviously just jealous that God didn’t bless them with a glorious head of shimmering shoulder-length chestnut-colored hair or the right undertones to work a tricky color like Magenta Splash on their nails. Not to mention it must kill them every day to walk into the locker room and find a come-to-life Greek God staring back at them while working that body-oddy-oddy like “Oh, this old thing?”
I feel compelled to get Bruce a giant cookie cake from Mrs. Fields that says “DON’T LET THOSE JEALOUS BITCHES GET YOU DOWN, BOO BOO!“, but it would be a total waste of money. Bruce would be like “Who?? What jealous bitches?“. He probably doesn’t even know they exist. An opulent diva like Bruce has no time for tacky beauty-hating hags!
During the press tour for her new movie Third Person, Mila Kunis gave an interview to Stephen Whitty of the Star-Ledger, and she must have woken up on the wrong side of Ashton Kutcher’s day-old AXE fog, because she was serving up some irritated ingrown toenail realness by acting like a difficult bitch.
The interviewer began by asking how she was feeling, since it’s no longer a secret that Mila is carrying around a joey in her pouch, considering she’s talked to Marie Claire about how gross it will be when the baby turns her pussy into a pulled pork sandwich on the way out, to which Mila hissed: “I don’t talk about that for publication.” So he asked her about moving away from comedies like Ted and moving into more dramatic roles, and she didn’t much care for that either:
“I hate when people ask me this question. People have this misconception that comedy’s easy. I’m always looking for challenges and I find a lot of things to be challenging.”
He then tried to ask Mila why she got into acting (“Tell us about the day you got the life-changing call from Lisa Frank…”), but again, she wasn’t having it:
“Honestly asking a nine-year-old why, who knows? It was just a fun thing to do. There was nothing else to it. I don’t know if that’s the answer you’re fishing for.”
So she didn’t want to talk about being pregnant and she didn’t want to talk about her transition from That 70’s Show’s Jackie to being a SERIOUS ACTRESS in heavy Oscar-bait shit, so he decided to ask her about what it was like moving from the Ukraine to the US when she was a kid. That’s when Mila pulled down her pants and took a giant pregnancy dump all over the interview to signify she was OFFICIALLY over-it:
“I’ve talked about me moving to America in a hundred interviews. It’s the most mundane subject possible, it’s like everyone’s immigrant story.”
“I know what your next question is so let’s just skip it. You’re going to ask me what I think about what’s going on now in Ukraine. Just because I lived there until I was seven doesn’t mean I identify with Ukraine.”
Damn Jackie, what happened? Actually, I think I know exactly what happened. Mila has said before that the fetus growing inside of her has made her seriously crave vinegary foods like pickles and sauerkraut, and I have heard from some pregnant bitches that the fetus doesn’t fuck around and sometime it can make you turn on the foods you once craved. So maybe Mila woke up that morning expecting to dive head-first into a giant jar of Vlasics, but instead was shocked when human bottle of douche Ashton leaned in to say Good Morning and his vinegar-scented kisses gave her a case of the dry heaves and put her in a shit mood for the rest of the day.
File this under: Gold diggers who can PLEASE have several seats. Last Friday Sherri Shepherd’s second husband of less than 3 years Lamar Sally became the newest member inducted into The Not-So-Secret Society of Shameless Greedy Gold Diggers by throwing a messy pile of divorce papers into his lawyer’s office, screaming “FRAUD!!!!” at the top of his lungs, asking for spousal support, demanding the prenup they signed to be invalidated, and seeking custody of their unborn surrogate baby.
But being a classless asshole isn’t a new thing for Lamar Sally. TMZ says that shortly after they got married, Lamar tried to make several amendments to the prenup, asking Sherri agree to the following:
“I respect my husband’s opinions and recognize him as the leader of our home. I will always speak well of my husband.”
“I enjoy having sex with my husband. I crave intimacy with him and want to be uninhibited and free in our lovemaking.”
“MY BODY IS IMPORTANT TO ME. I STRIVE TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY BODY WEIGHT AND EXERCISE AT LEAST THREE TIMES A WEEK.” (his emphasis)
“It is my joy to submit to my husband as a way to honor God.”
This is all very rich coming from a man who looks like Carl Winslow’s unemployed loser brother who gets caught trying to fuck the Urkelbot (no disrespect to Reginald VelJohnson or the cast of Family Matters, of course). Not surprisingly, Sherri refused to add Lamar’s new rules to their prenup; and yet she didn’t divorce his ass right then and there? Fuck, if I were Sherri, everything he owned would be in a box to the left after seeing “exercise three times a week”.
And out of all the demands he could have requested, not one mention of those busted Annie Sue wigs she’s always wearing? That should have been rule #1! “I respect myself enough not to wear a wig that looks like someone gave a perm to a rat king.”
The last time we checked in with The Fanged One, she was explaining that in order to avoid an all-expenses paid trip to Divorce Court, a woman needs to put on her frilliest pink party dress and find a guy who moonlights at Medieval Times as a knight or something (that’s pretty much all my brain was able to process from that interview before throwing up its hands and saying “Fuck this, I’m out”). And now Kirsten Dunst is back with more KD Brain Farts, this time regarding casting couches, and particularly how if you end up on one, it’s because you were probably a slut to begin with. Why do I get the feeling that I’ll be using this gif of Donna Meagle very soon?
In an interview with Sofia Coppola for W Magazine, Kirsten was asked if she ever felt pressured by creepy directors to suck or fuck her way to a better role, a sleazy practice that is almost as common in Hollywood as nose jobs and Tom Cruise wife auditions.
“No [laughs]. I don’t give off that vibe. I think that you court that stuff, and to me it’s crossing a boundary that would hinder the trust in your working relationship.”
So, let me get this straight – basically she’s saying is that if you find yourself in a casting couch situation, it’s because you were asking for it? Oh, I’ll take that Donna Meagle gif right about now. This one too. Look, I don’t want to lobby accusations of being not-smart at people I don’t know personally (“Bitch please” – my brain), but Kirsten is veering off the road of not-smart into the oncoming traffic of fucking stupid. You don’t have to put out a “vibe” to get asked to take a seat on the casting couch. Hell, Gwyneth Paltrow received an invitation to the casting couch, and the only “vibe” she puts out is an uncomfortable icy chill. And is she trying to suggest that she books jobs based on talent? Oh, please have several seats.
Here’s more of Kirsten in W, and maybe she doesn’t give off “that vibe”, but thanks to photographer Juergen Teller, she’s giving off some do-not-want Crime Scene Barbie vibes in that first photo.