Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
Obviously we’re only teased with just a teeny tiny bit. Every producer knows that if you want to put actual asses in theater seats, you don’t give away all of Ewan McGregor’s business for free in the trailer.
The official trailer for T2: Trainspotting, the 20-years later sequel to Trainspotting from Danny Boyle, was released today. Based on that title and knowing it happens 20 years after the original, I naturally assumed the trailer for T2: Trainspotting would feature Rent Boy trying to outrun Sick Boy, who was turned into a T-1000 after accidentally shooting mimetic polyalloy instead of heroin. It’s nothing like that. T2 is based on the book sequel to Trainspotting called Porno, and is all about everyone getting together to do drugs and make porno. If you want to skip straight to Ewan’s ass, it pops in to say hello around the 1:24 mark.
Everyone from the first Trainspotting is back for T2. Ewan McGregor, Ewen Bremner, Jonny Lee Miller, Robert Carlyle, Kelly Macdonald. They’ve also updated Ewan’s “choose ___” monologue to reflect 2016. Now instead of “choose compact disc players” it’s “choose Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.” I call bullshit on that one. Don’t tell me Ewan’s character didn’t look up Diane at least once on Facebook drunk at 2am during the last 10 years.
Last night at the Los Angeles premiere of Mortdecai, 62-year-old sexy Cialis pill Jeff Goldblum and his 31-year-old knocked-up gymnast wife Emilie Livingston decided to give everyone in attendance an eyeful of what it looks like when an old-ass dude who can still get it gets the instant horn-horns for the girl who portions out his Lipitor into his plastic 7-day pill organizer by sucking each other’s faces on the red carpet. Normally I’m all for two horny sluts going at it in public, but watching Jeff mouth-hump on Emilie is 8 shades of NO. This looks like a daddy bird feeding a baby bird, or a Werther’s Original ad gone horribly, horribly wrong.
Thankfully, an even-messier someone was able to yank our eyes away from that mess, and that someone was Gwyneth Paltrow flashing half an organic free-range cashmere-basted boob:
Mothers, lock up your billionaire investment banker sons – Sexy Single Mommy Goopy is on the prowl! And maybe it’s because I’m a little high from the 3 bowls of French Toast Crunch I ate this morning, but those freckles of Goopy’s boopy sort of look like a happy little face, right? I can practically hear it offering me a cold glass of sparkling hand-pressed Madagascar lime leaf essence.
Here’s more of Jeff Goldblum acting like the definition of a late-in-life midlife crisis, Goopy serving up some “Mommy’s still sexy, right? RIGHT???” realness, as well as human guitar pick Johnny Depp, panty-dropping Scottish DILF Ewan McGregor, and jacked Crank Yankers puppet Tracy Anderson:
Here are my guesses:
1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.
2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)
3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.
4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.
Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.
Meryl Streep didn’t show up to the TIFF premiere of August: Osage County yesterday, because she called in with the sicks (read: she’d rather get stoned while watching Real Housewives of Miami at home). So Julia Roberts and her teefs were supposed to be the great big stars of the red carpet, but that didn’t happen. Because as soon as her My Best Friend’s Wedding co-star Dermot Mulroney swept onto the red carpet, breaths were snatched, mics dropped and hos lost their balance. Dermot’s thirsty, dry Fabio-like mane upstaged Julia Roberts and her ugly period rug dress.
That hair! Dermot Mulroney looks like a really lazy Latin literature professor at a liberal arts college in the Pacific Northwest who is known for fucking his students in the backseat of his mustard Volvo station wagon. Swoon! I don’t know if he’s growing his hair out for a movie role or if he’s growing it out for a dare, but either way he should keep it. That beautiful beast on the top of his head looks like it gave birth to one of John Travolta’s wigs. I am jealous of the fish skeleton that he runs through his gorgeous hair every day. (He obviously doesn’t pass a brush through that thing.)
Anyway, August: Osage County got mostly good reviews from critics and a bunch of them tweeted about how Meryl Streep is going to get her 4,095,198,184th Oscar nomination. Blah blah blah. Why weren’t any of them tweeting about Dermot Mulroney’s hair?! What kind of humans are they?
Even battery acid couldn’t rinse the film of YACK left on your eyes from seeing a decomposing sea turtle tongue wrestle with a turnpike hag, but these pictures of Ewan McGregor bike riding with a puppy in his basket might help. They’re adorable because: a) there’s a puppy in his basket and b) he’s dressed like he’s about to break into an acoustic version of “Seize the Day!”
I just hope that street is free of pot holes and out-of-control cars. Yeah, I really know how to ruin a cute shit moment.