The Olsens Are Shocked That Uncle Jesse Didn’t Tell Them About Fuller House

Yes, that is their “shocked” face. It’s also their “happy” face, their “sad” face, their “scared” face and their “I’m about to turn into black smoke and float up into your head through your nostrils so I can invade your dreams at night” face.

When Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER, DJ Tanner and Stephanie Tanner was officially announced by Netflix on Monday night, the press release said that John Stamos was definitely going to guest star and producers were currently in talks with Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, Lori  Loughlin and the Olsens about guest starring.  Well, Netflix may have been lying when they said they were “currently in discussions with the Olsens” and Danny Tanner really needs to sit them down and have a serious talk with them about the dangers of lie-telling. Because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen claim that they found out about Fuller House the same day as everyone else and nobody from the cast has talked to them about it. WWD asked them if they were doing Fuller House and they said they’re going to get Bob Saget’s advice first.

“We just found out about it today,” said Mary-Kate, during an interview late Tuesday. “I guess we’re going to talk to the creators and see what’s happening.”

The sisters said they had no knowledge of the series prior to Stamos spilling the news to Kimmel. “I ran into Bob [Saget] the other day and we didn’t even talk about it,” said Ashley. “I’m shocked I haven’t heard from John [Stamos],” said Mary-Kate. They didn’t rule out participation, but they might check in with their former TV dad first. “I’m going to call [Saget] and get his perspective,” said Ashley.

Lori Loughlin said that she wants to come back, but she, Dave Coulier and Bob Saget don’t have deals yet.

Yes, the Olsens both look like possessed lemurs, but they look like two totally different possessed lemurs. They don’t really look exactly the same anymore, so the producers will have to create a whole new role if they’re both going to be in it. My suggestion is: In the last episode of Fuller House we find out that Michelle Tanner really did have a twin, but the family couldn’t take care of another baby so they gave her to some old lady they met in the woods. Decades later, Michelle Tanner finds out about her long-lost twin and finds her living with a Satanic cult in the forest. They bond and make a plan to get revenge on the Tanner family for tearing them apart. They go back to the house and as they’re in the middle of a Satanic ritual (where they use Mr. Bear as a sacrifice) in the living room, Stephane Tanner runs downstairs and says “How rude!” before the entire place bursts into flames and burns down to the ground. The end. The Olsens don’t even need to spend any time in hair, make-up or wardrobe. They can shoot their scenes in their regular clothes. It’s a win/win for everyone!

Jennifer Aniston Wants You To Know That The Tabloids Are “B.S.”

Ah, “B.S.” – the first non-swear swear I ever worked into my regular rotation of playground insults as a kid. Nothing felt more satisfying than hissing “you’re full of B.S.” to a kid named Brandon who claimed he was related to Vanilla Ice. So, thank you, Jennifer Aniston, for that walk down memory lane.

E! says that during an upcoming interview with CBS Sunday Morning set to air January 4th (set your alarm clocks!) Jenny got to talking about tabloids, aka those paper things which her picture is always printed on paired with a headline about either babies or weddings or HEADED FOR SPLITSVILLE!!! or how much she hates St. Angie. Rachel Green admits the obvious – that they’re nothing but a steaming pile of LIES – and that she and her hot bulgy hipster fiance Justin Theroux don’t pay any attention to them:

“I think I used to really, there was a period where I was hell bent on saying, ‘That’s not true, that’s not right, that’s not fair.’ And now I just think you have to let it roll off your back and you realize, I think everyone knows it’s all B.S. and like a soap opera on paper. The main thing is to try to just keep refocusing back on what you know is true and what makes you guys happy. We know what our truth is. That’s all just static.”

What? You mean all those stories about Miley Cyrus marrying Bat Boy and Khloe Kardashian being knocked up with a litter of wookieelings aren’t true? NO! I refuse to believe it. My blind faith in tabloid journalism is all I have. Besides, how else am I supposed to pass the time while waiting in line at Loblaws to buy my weekly basket full of No Name Diet Cola? I need to know how much Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie still hate each other according to an anonymous source!

Pic: CBS Sunday Morning

Everything Is A Lie: The Three-Tittied Florida Flower Is Probably A Hoax

The Internet has Lindsay Lohan’d us again. Next you’re going to tell me that Charlo Greene is an actress from L.A., her real name is Kimberly Brown, she’s never smoked weed in her life and that station in Alaska hired her to pull that scripted stunt so they’d beat their rivals in the Anchorage local news ratings war! Then you’re going to tell me that the Frankenstein helmet on The Long Island Medium’s head isn’t a communication device for the dead. What to believe?!

When the story of the 21-year-old demure Florida daisy with a third tit implant made the rounds yesterday, some of us squinted at it the same way I squint at a picture from a Grindr trick that looks like his head pasted on Zac Efron’s body. I wanted to believe, but deep down I knew it was made of one hundred percent pure lies. Something in the third tit wasn’t clean about Jasmine Tridevil’s story. Jasmine wouldn’t give up the name of the back alley plastic surgeon who did it, because she claims they made her sign a confidentiality agreement and her trio of tits situation looked a little too perfect. Well, those truth sniffers at Snopes got to the bottom of it and exposed Jasmine Tridevil and her tres chichi as frauds.

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The Story About The Girl Getting Kicked Out Of A KFC Was Reportedly A Giant Hoax

Last week, your Facebook, Twitter and everything else feeds were probably covered in the tragic, sad, heartstring-pulling story about the 3-year-old girl who was told to get the hell out of a KFC in Jackson, Mississippi by a child-hating, dead-hearted demon monster employee who told the little girl and her grandma that the scars on her face were “disrupting other customers.” Little Victoria Wilcher got the scars on her face when she was mauled by her grandpa’s 3 pit bulls. The pit bulls were later put down. Half of  Victoria’s face is paralyzed and she’s already been through enough, but I guess her grandma Kelly Mullins felt like she should suffer some more, because she took her to KFC and fed her the only things she can eat at KFC: mashed potatoes and sweet tea. Because the Internet has played with my emotions too many times, something in the processed-chemically-treated-hormones-filled milk wasn’t clean about this story. A KFC employee getting uppitty about a customer’s appearance is like me, the typo master, deleting a comment for having a typo in it, because it doesn’t fit our journalistic standards. Besides, in my experience, KFC employees are all out of fucks to give. I was at a KFC in Brooklyn once when a homeless junkie harassed everybody in line for cash. The employees acted like he was made of thin air and pretended he wasn’t there. That homeless junkie could’ve shanked us all, stolen all of our wallets and then did butt sex to our dead bodies and that KFC employee would’ve blinked slowly, looked at the clock and said, “Oh, damn, it’s my 15,” before clocking out. That story was suspect and there was zero proof besides the grandma’s accusations and well, it turns out it was probably a STUNT QUEEN stunt to raise cash. The Internet has lied to us yet again. The Internet is that father who tells you he’s going to pick you on Saturday and take you to Chuck E. Cheese and never shows up.

After the story blew up and the Internet did what the Internet does, bust into a ball of OUTRAGE, KFC quickly issued a statement saying that they are donating $30,000 to Victoria’s medical expenses and are hiring a third-party investigator (probably Detective La Toya) to investigate this mess. Sources close to that investigation tell The Laurel Leader-Call that Kelly Mullins’ story isn’t adding up. Kelly claims she and Victoria went to KFC on May 15th, but investigators went through surveillance footage from both KFCs in Jackson on May 15th and no children who match Victoria’s description were in either of those stores that day. Investigators also couldn’t find any single transaction where a customer ordered mashed potatoes and sweet tea. The Clarion-Ledger said that Victoria’s aunt, who runs the Victoria’s Victories Facebook page, originally claimed that the act of cruelty against her little niece happened at the KFC on State Street, but she later changed her story after finding out that KFC doesn’t exist anymore.

The family initially told KFC the incident happened at the location on State and High streets, a claim backed by a Facebook post by Victoria’s Victories, a page run by Teri Rials Bates, the girl’s aunt that read: “Thank you for your support for Victoria. If you would like to file a complaint its the KFC on State Street in Jackson MS.” That store is not in operation and has been closed for several years.

Victoria’s Victories changed its story Friday, saying the State Street reference was a mistake. In it, Bates wrote: “Im the Aunt, I run her page and Im the one that miss quoted that it was State street when it was actually Woodrow Wilson. Dont blame the grandmother for my mistake!”

Employees at the KFC on Woodrow Wilson say they’ve gotten death threats and customers have thrown drinks at them. The Laurel Leader-Call’s source says that hospital patients with tubes have eaten at that KFC several times and have never been asked to leave.

KFC wouldn’t spit out a comment. They only said that they are still conducting an investigation and no matter what the outcome is, they will still donate $30,000 to Victoria’s medical bills. Victoria’s family, of course, denies that they’re grifters. They wrote this on FB:

I promise its not a hoax, I never thought any of this would blow up the way it has. The article circling the web calling this a hoax is untrue. The article it self say the investigation is not complete. It is not over until KFC releases a statement. The media outlet running this story is not connected with KFC. The family has not asked for anything, a attorney is handling all the media publicity for the family pro bono. Please do not believe untrue media. I have personally watched this family go without to provide for Victoria. They have not and would not do anything to hurt Victoria in any way.

Well, if it was a grift, it was a lazy grift, but it still worked big. Their GoFundMe page is up to $135,000, a Las Vegas plastic surgeon has offered up his services for free and Victoria has gotten a mountain of gifts. Victoria’s family really should’ve trained with White Oprah before pulling this stunt. A skilled grifter would’ve gone to that KFC, ordered mashed potatoes and sweet tea and then screamed out loud, “WHY DID YOU JUST SAY THAT MY BEAUTIFUL SWEET INNOCENT GRANDDAUGHTER VICTORIA WELCHER, WHOSE GOFUNDMEPAGE CAN BE FOUND AT WWW.GOFUNDME.COM/8q8yww, IS DISTURBING CUSTOMERS WITH HER FACIAL SCARS? YOU MONSTERS!” Rookie mistake.

And I nearly I Can’t’ed myself into a coma last night when someone on Facebook posted the update to this story and said that if Obama wasn’t President, this little girl’s family wouldn’t have to pull tricks and schemes to pay for her medical bills. The ultimate “Thanks, Obama!”