Seen above with a mug that’s filled to the top with boiling potent LIES, Tarek and Christina El Moussa of the HGTV show Flip or Flop announced yesterday that their marriage is almost as dead as the life in their eyes. The story was that the cops responded to a call about a suicidal dude with a gun and when they showed up to the couple’s Orange County house, they found Tarek running out of there with a gun and Christina shaking and crying. The cops didn’t arrest anyone, but they did confiscate a bunch of guns that Tarek had locked up in a safe.
After that messy shit went down in May, Tarek and Christina were supposedly working on their broken marriage and ultimately decided that they want to break up after 7 years of being married. But yesterday, People said that the only thing they’ve been working on since May is rubbing their down-low parts on another piece. And to think, they look so genuinely in love with each other in those annoying Christmas ads that terrorize my eyeballs every time I watch HGTV. Yes, I mean the complete opposite of “genuinely in love.”
Seen above inhaling the silicone-encrusted fart that finally escaped from in between Kim Kartrashian’s ass cheeks after hours of struggling, Taylor Swift was supposedly pissed when Kanye West claimed that she approved a lyric he wrote about her. In a track called “Famous” from Kanye’s latest album, The Life of Pablo, there’s a lyric that goes, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex, I made that bitch famous.” Kanye claimed that Taylor was not only okay with the lyric, she came up with it and laughed at it. Taylor’s rep claimed that she never okay’d it and definitely didn’t come up with the idea. And at the Grammys, Taylor gave a “GIRL POWAH” speech that was obviously directed at her forever arch rival Kanye West. Well, now Kim is saying that Taylor should change her name to TayLIES, because she did approve that lyric and there’s video footage that proves it. Dun dun dun!
We can never ever believe anything that comes out of Paris Hilton’s mouth again. When she releases another “leaked” sex tape for attention and we all watch her spit up a load of cum in it, we’ll ask ourselves, “Is it really man leche or is it watered down goat milk?” Everything that dribbles out of her mouth is a falsity. What’s next? We’re going to find out that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar lied through their Jesus teeth during that Fox News interview? The world is a lie.
Parasite Hilton recently threatened to sue the Egyptian production company of the show that pranked her by making her believe that she was about to die in a plane crash. Paris claimed she knew nothing about the prank. But her threats are probably full of shit, like her, because TMZ says that she was in on the prank. TMZ somehow got a hold of a document (which is one way of saying “the Egyptian production company gave it to them after Paris threatened to sue“) from the Egyptian production company that was passed to the reps of several American celebrities back in March. The document says that the production company will drop a pile of $$$$ into the lap of the American celebrity who agrees to fake the fear in a faux plane ride gone wrong.
The document states, “We will act as if something is going wrong and ask all passengers to jump off the plane!!! Of course everyone will panic, we’ll be having skydivers in disguise with us on board.”
The doc goes on, “We will monitor the funny reactions from our celebrity guest when they fear jumping off the plane.”
The document also claims that officials in Dubai, including the crown prince, were aware of the fake prank and promised to provide the show with security. Many celebs said no to that shit, but since Paris Hilton’s food of life is attention, she agreed to do it. Apparently, she was paid at least $1 million for it.
TMZ ran into Paris yesterday and asked her about the “prank.” She said that they took it “too far” and it wasn’t not funny.
Yes, I’d gladly fake scream for a million dollars, but still, screw Paris Hilton. (“Guilty!” – 97% of the world) I thought I was going to live my entire life without ever feeling one tiny drop of sympathy for her and she robbed me of that by playing with my emotions. Even after a few of my friends and several of you screamed, “FAKE,” I still believed her and felt a little bit sorry for her. I should have known. The next time a trailer for a Kristen Stewart movie comes out, I’m going to post it along with the words: I believed Paris Hilton’s plane crash acting. Therefore, I am not the one to critique anybody’s acting skills. Even Kristen Stewart’s.
Here’s that scammer being the portrait of modest by wearing a t-shirt with her image on it.
Yes, that is their “shocked” face. It’s also their “happy” face, their “sad” face, their “scared” face and their “I’m about to turn into black smoke and float up into your head through your nostrils so I can invade your dreams at night” face.
When Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER, DJ Tanner and Stephanie Tanner was officially announced by Netflix on Monday night, the press release said that John Stamos was definitely going to guest star and producers were currently in talks with Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, Lori Loughlin and the Olsens about guest starring. Well, Netflix may have been lying when they said they were “currently in discussions with the Olsens” and Danny Tanner really needs to sit them down and have a serious talk with them about the dangers of lie-telling. Because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen claim that they found out about Fuller House the same day as everyone else and nobody from the cast has talked to them about it. WWD asked them if they were doing Fuller House and they said they’re going to get Bob Saget’s advice first.
“We just found out about it today,” said Mary-Kate, during an interview late Tuesday. “I guess we’re going to talk to the creators and see what’s happening.”
The sisters said they had no knowledge of the series prior to Stamos spilling the news to Kimmel. “I ran into Bob [Saget] the other day and we didn’t even talk about it,” said Ashley. “I’m shocked I haven’t heard from John [Stamos],” said Mary-Kate. They didn’t rule out participation, but they might check in with their former TV dad first. “I’m going to call [Saget] and get his perspective,” said Ashley.
Lori Loughlin said that she wants to come back, but she, Dave Coulier and Bob Saget don’t have deals yet.
Yes, the Olsens both look like possessed lemurs, but they look like two totally different possessed lemurs. They don’t really look exactly the same anymore, so the producers will have to create a whole new role if they’re both going to be in it. My suggestion is: In the last episode of Fuller House we find out that Michelle Tanner really did have a twin, but the family couldn’t take care of another baby so they gave her to some old lady they met in the woods. Decades later, Michelle Tanner finds out about her long-lost twin and finds her living with a Satanic cult in the forest. They bond and make a plan to get revenge on the Tanner family for tearing them apart. They go back to the house and as they’re in the middle of a Satanic ritual (where they use Mr. Bear as a sacrifice) in the living room, Stephane Tanner runs downstairs and says “How rude!” before the entire place bursts into flames and burns down to the ground. The end. The Olsens don’t even need to spend any time in hair, make-up or wardrobe. They can shoot their scenes in their regular clothes. It’s a win/win for everyone!
Ah, “B.S.” – the first non-swear swear I ever worked into my regular rotation of playground insults as a kid. Nothing felt more satisfying than hissing “you’re full of B.S.” to a kid named Brandon who claimed he was related to Vanilla Ice. So, thank you, Jennifer Aniston, for that walk down memory lane.
E! says that during an upcoming interview with CBS Sunday Morning set to air January 4th (set your alarm clocks!) Jenny got to talking about tabloids, aka those paper things which her picture is always printed on paired with a headline about either babies or weddings or HEADED FOR SPLITSVILLE!!! or how much she hates St. Angie. Rachel Green admits the obvious – that they’re nothing but a steaming pile of LIES – and that she and her hot bulgy hipster fiance Justin Theroux don’t pay any attention to them:
“I think I used to really, there was a period where I was hell bent on saying, ‘That’s not true, that’s not right, that’s not fair.’ And now I just think you have to let it roll off your back and you realize, I think everyone knows it’s all B.S. and like a soap opera on paper. The main thing is to try to just keep refocusing back on what you know is true and what makes you guys happy. We know what our truth is. That’s all just static.”
What? You mean all those stories about Miley Cyrus marrying Bat Boy and Khloe Kardashian being knocked up with a litter of wookieelings aren’t true? NO! I refuse to believe it. My blind faith in tabloid journalism is all I have. Besides, how else am I supposed to pass the time while waiting in line at Loblaws to buy my weekly basket full of No Name Diet Cola? I need to know how much Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie still hate each other according to an anonymous source!
Pic: CBS Sunday Morning
The Internet has Lindsay Lohan’d us again. Next you’re going to tell me that Charlo Greene is an actress from L.A., her real name is Kimberly Brown, she’s never smoked weed in her life and that station in Alaska hired her to pull that scripted stunt so they’d beat their rivals in the Anchorage local news ratings war! Then you’re going to tell me that the Frankenstein helmet on The Long Island Medium’s head isn’t a communication device for the dead. What to believe?!
When the story of the 21-year-old demure Florida daisy with a third tit implant made the rounds yesterday, some of us squinted at it the same way I squint at a picture from a Grindr trick that looks like his head pasted on Zac Efron’s body. I wanted to believe, but deep down I knew it was made of one hundred percent pure lies. Something in the third tit wasn’t clean about Jasmine Tridevil’s story. Jasmine wouldn’t give up the name of the back alley plastic surgeon who did it, because she claims they made her sign a confidentiality agreement and her trio of tits situation looked a little too perfect. Well, those truth sniffers at Snopes got to the bottom of it and exposed Jasmine Tridevil and her tres chichi as frauds.