Like a dumb dumb kitten stuck in a tree, there’s a pussy crying for help today. Only this pussy belongs to a supermodel. No, it’s not the pussy of Leo Dicaprio‘s latest girlfriend wailing because she’s about to hit the 25 year mark and therefore have her contract ripped up (relax- Leo’s current girlfriend is only 21). It’s the vagina of Miranda Kerr, who announced to People that just ten months after giving birth to her first baby with Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, she is pregnant again. Mine is crying too. Someone pass an ice pack for my vaginal canal ghost pains.
People says that almost one year into their marriage, Miranda Kerr has popped out the baby she made with her Snapchat billionaire husband Evan Spiegel. This is 35-year-old Miranda’s first child with 27-year-old Evan, and her second child overall (she shares 7-year-old Flynn with Orlando Bloom). Miranda and Evan released a statement to saying they had a baby boy in Los Angeles on Monday that they named Hart Spiegel.
“Words cannot explain how happy we are to welcome our beautiful son into our family. Miranda is doing well and Flynn is excited to be a big brother. Thank you for the kind words and wishes during this very special time.”
It’s still a little strange to me that the son of a Snapchat billionaire would be announced in a basic statement given to a weekly magazine and not in a series of snaps with a custom baby filter. Then again, maybe they chose People because they wanted to make sure people would actually see their baby announcement.
I’m sure you’re wondering where that name came from, like is Miranda secretly a huge fan of Robert Wagner and Stefanie Powers. It’s actually a lot less exciting. A source says that Hart is named after Evan’s grandfather. That name is entirely too perfect when you consider Miranda’s first kid. Depending on where you’re from, Flynn and Hart might sound like a stunt plane team from the 40s or Brooks Brothers’ salesmen of the year, three years running. To me personally, it sounds like a bro-country duo who sing about finding love at a bonfire.
Six months have passed since Miranda Kerr married Snapchat billionaire Evan Spiegel in a shamefully understated ceremony for a billionaire. Miranda and Evan admitted they were waiting to have sex with each other until after they were hitched. For anyone who needed confirmation that it actually happened, here you go: Miranda is pregnant.
It might be Fashion Week in New York, but not for Miranda Kerr. In fact, you should be grateful she even showed up for your silly digital magazine’s fashion shoot, Net-a-Porter. Because People magazine says Miranda recently admitted during an interview with Net-a-Porter’s The Edit that she’s stepping back from modeling. And it’s all thanks to her GAZILLIONARE husband, Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel.
Miranda Kerr just gave a dismissive eye-roll to her normal salary as a top model. She’ll probably use those millions to paper her crafting room now that she’s married to Snapchat billionaire Evan Spiegel. She’s struck Silicon Valley gold!
Miranda, 34, and Evan, 26, were married yesterday at their home in Brentwood, CA. The ceremony was described by E! News as “small and intimate” and by People as “lavish and classy.” This means a small crowd (there were 40 guests) got an open bar with really top-shelf booze and definitely had scallops wrapped in bacon. Scallops wrapped in bacon as cocktail hour appetizers are the height of wedding opulence. To me, anyway. Continue reading
Miranda Kerr and billionaire CEO of Snapchat, Evan Spiegel, got engaged last July after dating since 2015. In the time that they’ve been together, Miranda’s vagine has never met Evan’s peen. Miranda, who has definitely fucked before (proof: the baby she made with Orlando Bloom), let the world know in an interview that she and Evan are doing it the Ciara and Russell Wilson way by waiting until marriage. Many of us are sluts around here, so that idea is completely lost on us. On a first date, we don’t even wait until the entrees are served. I know, look at me acting like our first dates happen at a restaurant instead of a motel that rents rooms by the hour. Continue reading