Everyone keeps saying that Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle are going to get engaged by the end of the summer, and no, that high-pitched wail that just stabbed your eardrums wasn’t from me loudly crying while thinking about the day that I’ll watch my beautiful(ly delusional) dreams go up in flames as I burn the assless cropped tuxedo I was planning to wear during my wedding to PHG.
If Meghan Markle becomes Duchess Meghan, she’ll be way too busy waving and smiling alongside Duchess Kate at the opening of whatever to do acting stuff. But a source tells E! News that Meghan would’ve probably quit acting even if she wasn’t with PHG. Uh huh…
28-year-old Colton Haynes, who came out out last year, has been dating 46-year-old floral artiste Jeff Leatham for a total of three seconds. Or maybe it’s been two or three months. I haven’t totally kept track of the goings on of Colton Haynes’ newly-ish out peen. Colton and Jeff haven’t been together that long, but I guess they’ve already been struck with stage 10 dickmatization and their hearts can’t stop barfing out love for each other, because they got engaged. And Colton’s flower daddy did it up. Jeff proposed to Colton with help from flowers, candles, an opulent Mexican resort, a fireworks show and CHER! The only way Jeff’s proposal could’ve been more glamorously gay is if a hologram Liberace serenaded them on a tiny gold piano while sliding down a rainbow as a bevy of swans in gold crowns presented Colton with his engagement ring.
I’ve got to hand it to Evan Rachel Wood. She showed an awful lot of restraint last night on the red carpet of the SAG Awards. Evan showed up on the red carpet in another tuxedo and with a shiny ring on that finger, and she could have debuted it in the most attention-grabbing way, which is of course by posing hard next to her man with her left hand on his chest. But she did not do that.
Evan did attend the SAG Awards with her boyfriend and bandmate, Zach Villa. And she did do a little posing with her new ring, but it was more on the subtle side of things. It was almost more like “What, this thing? Oh, it’s just a silver band I had lying around NBD.” Except that it’s exactly the type of ring that it looks like. Evan’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that 29-year-old Evan and 29-yer-old Zach are engaged. She got engaged less than three weeks after her ex-husband Jamie Bell did.
UsWeekly says that both Evan and Zach were wearing rings, but her rep said it’s an engagement situation and not a secret marriage thing. They didn’t just match rings either; both Evan and Zach showed up looking like The Wonder Twins after relocating from Exxor to Los Feliz.
I wonder what their wedding will look like? My guess is they will both walk down the aisle together, singing their vows in unison, then immediately put in a request to change both of their names to Zevan. But I don’t see them doing the wedding cake-smash thing; getting icing so close to their circuit boards would probably void their warranties. They are Westworld replicants, right?
Ariana Grande has a tour that’s starting next month. And what do you know? She just so happened to promote it this weekend with a couple pictures of her wearing a sparkly ring on that finger. Someone’s a graduate of Subtlety’s Finest School of PR Stunts.
Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons played two married dummies named Peggy and Ed on the second season of Fargo, and their whole relationship centered around them bumbling their way through the cover-up of a whoopsie-murder. Spending months talking about body-disposal, blood-removal, and the best way not to get revenge-murdered by farmers was the sort of thing that brought them close together. How could it not? They reportedly hooked up in real-life after the show ended, and now there’s a rumor that they’re engaged. Kirsten Dunst may be one step closer to living out that wifey life she’s always dreamed of.
Football player-turned-country-singer Sam Hunt got popular with an album released in 2014 called Montevallo. Montevallo is the name of the hometown of his on-again/off-again girlfriend Hannah Lee Fowler. An album named after your hometown might set off some people’s clinger alarm, but not Sam Hunt’s girlfriend. People says that Sam Hunt’s rep recently confirmed that Sam asked Hannah Lee to marry him, and she said yes.