Pop a bottle of sparkling penicillin, Tommy Lee is getting married for the fourth time! Page Six says that 55-year-old On Valentine’s Day, Tommy Lee slipped a tasteful heart-shaped diamond ring onto the finger of his 31-year-old girlfriend of about eight months Brittany Furlan.
The name “Princess Eugenie” might cause your brain to queef up a stream of questions marks, but I know who she is, because she’s the daughter of The Original Fergie (my fourth favorite British royal after Prince Hot Ginge, THE QUEEN and Susan the Corgi) and the sister of Princess Beatrice (my fifth favorite British royal after Prince Hot Ginge, THE QUEEN, Susan the Corgi and The Original Fergie). Princess Eugenie is also the one who brought some “ugly stepsisters” glamour to Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding by wearing a blue bedpan on her head. And now she’s getting some attention today for announcing that she’s engaged.
After Michelle Williams broke up with puppet enthusiast Jason Segel, she sort of kept her private life a little more mysterious. As it turns out, she’s been dating a NYC financier named Andrew Youmans, and UsWeekly says they’re getting married. A financier? Terrific, maybe he can sit down with her agent and figure out why the hell there were so many missing zeros on her All The Money In The World re-shoots check.
Tattoo artists all across the greater Los Angeles area just got excited about getting their hands on some of those sweet Big Bang Theory dollars for a wedding tattoo and possible subsequent cover-up job. Because Kaley Cuoco has decided to get married again. Except this time it’s not nearly as impulsive, I think.
“Yes, bitch, I’m holding on to my future husband and your imaginary man while you’re holding on to nothing but everlasting loneliness and an undercooked bagel covered with cold low-fat cream cheese from Aldi.” – Meghan Markle in that picture, because she obviously knows I exist and knows that I’m trying to eat a bagel that I covered with cold low-fat cream cheese from Aldi before realizing it didn’t cook right. This Monday is already ass fucking me without lube.
Starting at the hour of It’s Too Fucking Early For Anything AM today, I started getting texts from people giving me their condolences. I thought that someone had died! Or worse, that In-N-Out had filed for bankruptcy and was closing down all locations immediately. But the only thing that died was my dream that Prince Hot Ginge would suddenly wake up gay (because yes, that’s how it happens) and decide that his perfect type is an old, bitchy, skinny fat blogger from America (the direct opposite of no fats, fems or Asians, basically). Prince Harry got engaged to Meghan Markle! You know the news is serious when I use PHG’s real name.
To me, the song Bodak Yellow is Satan’s mating call to let us know he’ll be returning soon, and Cardi B is the glamorous mistress of evil doing her master’s bidding. Because that song makes absolutely no sense, but even mistresses of evil deserve love. And now with the announcement of Cardi B’s engagement to Offset from Migos I’m sure VH1 is already in talks with her on how they can make money off a marriage that will probably last about ten seconds longer than Offset’s career.