It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lawrence was banging beige elevator music guitar hero Chris Martin before moving onto Darren Aronofsky (which I always saw as a bizarre setup, but the old timer seems to have no shortage of company of beautiful ladies, whether they deny it or not. That director dick must be good when he calls it to “Action“). Now America’s favorite farting/falling (farting while falling? I’ve heard that’s a thing) Sweetheart has taken the final step before locking her lady bits to one person forever by getting engaged to Cooke Maroney, an art dude from Gladstone Gallery, and she has a fat old rock on her lock down finger that proves it.
Call me old-fashioned, but Valentine’s Day is meant for boozing with friends and bemoaning single-dom. For some tacky ass people who like to flaunt their sinful, romantic lifestyle, however, it’s a great time to get engaged! After three years of on-and-off boning, er, dating, Orlando Bloom was ready to put a ring on it and popped the question to Katy Perry. Will Left Shark be the man of honor?!
Remember Jennifer Lawrence? It feels like it’s been centuries since we’ve all screamed, “That JLaw, she’s so relatable!”, over the multi-multi-millionaire famous actress showing that she’s one of us by busting out a total natural fall at the Oscars (which we’ve all done, of course) and accidentally super queefing her tampon onto the floor during an important business meeting with Oprah and Steven Spielberg (that didn’t happen, but I’m sure it happened). JLaw is in Dark Phoenix, which comes out this summer, and that Theranos biopic starring her is still in the works, but she’s mostly been taking time off and spending it pulling some post-sex dutch oven action (you know she does) on her boyfriend of about 8 months Cooke Maroney. And now Cooke Maroney is her fiancé.
Last July, we all learned that 31-year-old football quarterback turned baseball outfielder Tim Tebow is dating the hyphen-loving Miss Universe 2017 (and Miss South Africa 2017) Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters, and one second after we learned that, Blind Gossip put up an item about a certain athlete finding the perfect beard. Well, you can viciously refresh your blind item site of choice for an item about how a certain athlete brought in a Christian preacher to bless the long-term contract he signed with his beard, because Timmy T and Demi-Leigh have announced that they’re engaged. You bitter, jaded hating whores who throw a side-eye of suspicion at Tim and Demi-Leigh’s love can shut your stupid mouths now, because they proved their love is everlasting and genuine by getting a photographer to take oh-so-natural pictures of their “surprise” engagement. They also gave every single hilariously ridiculous detail to People.
Frankie Muniz – formerly the Malcolm of Malcolm in the Middle, currently third-place Dancing With the Stars champion – is getting married. Amanda Bynes, watch your mailbox for an invite! There’s no way your co-star from Big Fat Liar would forget you on such an important day.
The badge trumps the vag! 56-year-old Rosie O’Donnell got secret engaged over the summer to her 33-year-old Woostah (also known as Worcester), Massachusetts police officer girlfriend, Elizabeth Rooney. The two have kept it hush-hush until now because Elizabeth is a cop and tries keep details of her life involving Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s BFF on the DL since there’s nothing worse than trying to arrest someone who is like, “Hey, aren’t you the fuzz getting married to that ladywho quit The View twice?” Well, Liz-with-a-z’s job commitment might also be preventing the two from shacking up in the same house. See? That U-Haul lesbian stereotype is false!