I’m sure you missed the engagement ring on Lance Armstrong’s lady’s hand because you were too transfixed by the lens flares that make it look like she’s shooting streams of liquid hot magma into his chest. But yes, she’s wearing that type on ring on her marriage finger.
Cycling scam artist Lance Armstrong announced yesterday on Instagram that he was getting married to his longtime girlfriend Anna Hansen. Lance posted the above pic with the caption: “She said….YES!” You know, just once I’d love to see a celebrity break from tradition and Instagram a picture of a ring box in the trash with a caption that says: “She said NO #tears #sadness #foreveralone.”
Lance and Anna have been together for almost nine years. They have two kids together (Max, 7, and Olivia, 6). Lance has three teenagers from his first marriage to Kristin Richard. He was also once engaged to Sheryl Crow.
A little over two years ago, Anna took the fall for Lance after they left a party in Aspen, CO and he hit two parked cars with his SUV. Lance finally owned up to it after Anna told police she was covering for Lance to prevent his pristine reputation from being dragged through the news. That was very ride-or-die of Anna. I hope that if Lance and Anna write their own vows, he remembers to include something about that. “I Lance, take you Anna, to be my forever accomplice on this journey called life. I promise that whenever I need an excuse, I’ll always come to you first baby. You’ll always be buckled into the passenger seat of my heart…unless I fuck up, in which case you’ll switch seats with me, right?”
30-year-old UFC fighter Ronda Rousey and her 34-year-old UFC fighter boyfriend Travis Browne have been dating for almost two years, and they announced their engagement to a pap on the street in Marina Del Rey earlier today. How tastefully famewhorey of them.
Travis say he proposed under a waterfall in New Zealand about a week ago because it seemed like the right place to do it. Wrong. Proposing so close to water is the wrong place to do it. One bad move and that engagement ring is property of the fishes.
This will be Ronda’s first marriage and Travis’ third. Ronda and Travis got together while he was still technically married to his second wife, Jenna Webb. Although their marriage ended with Webb accusing Travis of domestic violence. Um. Yeah, ok then. Something tells me they’re going to skip that part of their love story during the slideshow at the reception.
Ronda says they don’t have a wedding date, but she hopes they get married soon. She also says she doesn’t really know how to plan a wedding. Well Ronda, I happen to have watched every episode of Wedding SOS, so I know how to throw together a dream wedding. Ronda and Travis are both pretty big in the MMA world, it would make sense that they get married in muscle shirts. Instead of exchanging rings, they could exchange mouth guards. “You may now kiss the bride” would be “You may now body slam your husband into the cake.”
Everyone keeps saying that Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle are going to get engaged by the end of the summer, and no, that high-pitched wail that just stabbed your eardrums wasn’t from me loudly crying while thinking about the day that I’ll watch my beautiful(ly delusional) dreams go up in flames as I burn the assless cropped tuxedo I was planning to wear during my wedding to PHG.
If Meghan Markle becomes Duchess Meghan, she’ll be way too busy waving and smiling alongside Duchess Kate at the opening of whatever to do acting stuff. But a source tells E! News that Meghan would’ve probably quit acting even if she wasn’t with PHG. Uh huh…
28-year-old Colton Haynes, who came out out last year, has been dating 46-year-old floral artiste Jeff Leatham for a total of three seconds. Or maybe it’s been two or three months. I haven’t totally kept track of the goings on of Colton Haynes’ newly-ish out peen. Colton and Jeff haven’t been together that long, but I guess they’ve already been struck with stage 10 dickmatization and their hearts can’t stop barfing out love for each other, because they got engaged. And Colton’s flower daddy did it up. Jeff proposed to Colton with help from flowers, candles, an opulent Mexican resort, a fireworks show and CHER! The only way Jeff’s proposal could’ve been more glamorously gay is if a hologram Liberace serenaded them on a tiny gold piano while sliding down a rainbow as a bevy of swans in gold crowns presented Colton with his engagement ring.
I’ve got to hand it to Evan Rachel Wood. She showed an awful lot of restraint last night on the red carpet of the SAG Awards. Evan showed up on the red carpet in another tuxedo and with a shiny ring on that finger, and she could have debuted it in the most attention-grabbing way, which is of course by posing hard next to her man with her left hand on his chest. But she did not do that.
Evan did attend the SAG Awards with her boyfriend and bandmate, Zach Villa. And she did do a little posing with her new ring, but it was more on the subtle side of things. It was almost more like “What, this thing? Oh, it’s just a silver band I had lying around NBD.” Except that it’s exactly the type of ring that it looks like. Evan’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that 29-year-old Evan and 29-yer-old Zach are engaged. She got engaged less than three weeks after her ex-husband Jamie Bell did.
UsWeekly says that both Evan and Zach were wearing rings, but her rep said it’s an engagement situation and not a secret marriage thing. They didn’t just match rings either; both Evan and Zach showed up looking like The Wonder Twins after relocating from Exxor to Los Feliz.
I wonder what their wedding will look like? My guess is they will both walk down the aisle together, singing their vows in unison, then immediately put in a request to change both of their names to Zevan. But I don’t see them doing the wedding cake-smash thing; getting icing so close to their circuit boards would probably void their warranties. They are Westworld replicants, right?