After Michelle Williams broke up with puppet enthusiast Jason Segel, she sort of kept her private life a little more mysterious. As it turns out, she’s been dating a NYC financier named Andrew Youmans, and UsWeekly says they’re getting married. A financier? Terrific, maybe he can sit down with her agent and figure out why the hell there were so many missing zeros on her All The Money In The World re-shoots check.
Tattoo artists all across the greater Los Angeles area just got excited about getting their hands on some of those sweet Big Bang Theory dollars for a wedding tattoo and possible subsequent cover-up job. Because Kaley Cuoco has decided to get married again. Except this time it’s not nearly as impulsive, I think.
“Yes, bitch, I’m holding on to my future husband and your imaginary man while you’re holding on to nothing but everlasting loneliness and an undercooked bagel covered with cold low-fat cream cheese from Aldi.” – Meghan Markle in that picture, because she obviously knows I exist and knows that I’m trying to eat a bagel that I covered with cold low-fat cream cheese from Aldi before realizing it didn’t cook right. This Monday is already ass fucking me without lube.
Starting at the hour of It’s Too Fucking Early For Anything AM today, I started getting texts from people giving me their condolences. I thought that someone had died! Or worse, that In-N-Out had filed for bankruptcy and was closing down all locations immediately. But the only thing that died was my dream that Prince Hot Ginge would suddenly wake up gay (because yes, that’s how it happens) and decide that his perfect type is an old, bitchy, skinny fat blogger from America (the direct opposite of no fats, fems or Asians, basically). Prince Harry got engaged to Meghan Markle! You know the news is serious when I use PHG’s real name.
To me, the song Bodak Yellow is Satan’s mating call to let us know he’ll be returning soon, and Cardi B is the glamorous mistress of evil doing her master’s bidding. Because that song makes absolutely no sense, but even mistresses of evil deserve love. And now with the announcement of Cardi B’s engagement to Offset from Migos I’m sure VH1 is already in talks with her on how they can make money off a marriage that will probably last about ten seconds longer than Offset’s career.
UsWeekly says that Star Jones announced she’s engaged to her boyfriend of a few years Ricardo Lugo last night at the Angel Ball in New York City. As if she even needed to say anything; Star was working the giant diamond sparkler on her left hand like it was part of a contractually obligated partnership with Kay Jewelers. But she did say a little about her engagement, the theme of which was, “Mind your business! But also please give me some attention?”
“We’re engaged. Not talking about it. He’s wonderful. I’m happy and that’s all anybody outside of my family needs to know.”
Aw, but I really want to know the moment when Star realized Ricardo was the one. I bet it was when Star asked Ricardo if he wanted to be her husband and he didn’t answer “Yeah, uh sure, why not.” Speaking of, Star’s first marriage was to Al Reynolds in 2004, which ended in a messy divorce four years later. That wedding was like a wedding on steroids. 450 guests, a song sung by Patti LaBelle, plugging paid vendor sponsorships during The View.
I certainly hope Star will apply what she learned from her first wedding to her second, and I’m not talking about toning down the tackiness. Get as tacky as you want, Star! I loved how not-casual Star was about getting paid for her wedding. In fact, she should once again pimp out all the details of her wedding on The View. It shouldn’t be hard to get back on The View. The door revolves pretty fast around there.
Here’s more of Star, giving you weeknight Latrice Royale, and her fiancé Ricardo at the Angel Ball last night.
After less than a year of dating, 28-year-old Joe Jonas and 21-year-old Sophie Turner (Sansa Stark from Game of Thrones) have decided to make it a permanent thing by getting married. How I hope he keeps the Baby Magnum P.I. moustache for his wedding day. There’s nothing more romantic than wiping a snot sniffle out of your upper lip warmer.