Now who is going to make you feel okay about having a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of Rice Krispies? Or a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of chardonnay? Oh shit, Kathie Lee Gifford’s next hustle should be a breakfast cereal called KLG’s Chardonnay-Os.
After 11 years, 500,000 gulps of fermented breakfast juice, and over 4,000 times yodeling out “Everyoooone has a stooo-reeeee“, the Christian Wine Queen of Morning Television has announced that she’s hanging up her monogrammed breakfast time wine glass and is leaving Today. Those of us who are masochists and watch Today every morning aren’t exactly dropping our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio (available at Wine.com!) out of shock, because there’s many a morning when the fourth hour of Today starts and we scream,”NOT JENNA BUSH HAGER FILLING IN FOR KLG AGAIN!” Although if this announcement was a real shock, we still wouldn’t drop our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio. That’s not what KLG would want.
The two peroxide roses on the left are Sunset Thomas and Air Force Amy, the stars of one of my favorite HBO shows Cathouse, which followed the hookers of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel in Nevada. Cathouse only got 2 seasons (and some specials) and has long been over, but its Emmy-winning (don’t fact check me on that) brilliance lived on through HBO and its streaming services until now.
I guess HBO figures that their subscribers care more about low-quality and low-budget boring shit like Game of Thrones, Westworld, Big Little Lies, and Veep, because they are ridding their channels and subscriptions of pay cable masterpieces like Cathouse, Real Sex, and Taxicab Confessions. HBO announced that they’re slowly removing the fun from their channel by erasing all “adult-programming.”
Last week we learned that in the near future, the fuck word in movies will be down 85% because Quentin Tarantino is planning to retire after his next two films are in the can. Today we learn that in the near future, pepaw hotness in movies will be down 99% (hey, will still have Harrison Ford and Rip Taylor) because Robert Redford is planning to retire after his next two films are in the can. Robert Redford has been making your granny’s clit quiver since the 1960s and he’s tired now. Your granny will have to look to another seasoned hot piece for fap material (see: Rip Taylor).
Oh, those were the days…… When Posh Beckham could hold a baby that weighed more than her while walking on a pair of stilts. But those days are long gone and it’s the end of a high-heeled era.
To me, Posh Beckham was always one of those tricks who could not walk unless her heels were elevated at least 5 inches above the ground. Like if she put on flats, she’d just stand there all stunned like a cat with a sock around its waist, but way bitchier. But I guess 2016 is one of those years where the WTF becomes real-life (see: the election), because Posh has pretty much broken up with high heels. High heels used to be her main bitch and now they’re just her sometime fuck buddy. I guess after years upon years of wearing heels, her feet hurt like your ears whenever she sings live. In an interview with The Telegraph about fashion stuff, Posh says that she mostly wears flats and will wear high heels sometimes.
“I just can’t do heels any more. At least not when I’m working,” she says. “I travel a lot.” True. She’s just returned from half term with the children in LA after the New York show, and is off to Hong Kong for the opening of her second store there in three weeks. “Clothes have to be simple and comfortable.”
“Clothes have to be simple and comfortable.” Who is this Posh? Did Kunty Karl Lagerfeld get jealous of her growing fashion empire and cast a spirit into her? A spirit whose feets hate heels and says things like “Clothes have to be comfortable“? What’s next? John Travolta is going to burn all of his Shih Tzu wigs and let his bald head breathe in air at all times? Shauna Sand is going to melt all of her exquisite Lucite heels and only wear cork heels from now on because they’re better for the environment? Why can’t you just suffer through the pain, Posh? WHY? (And yes, that’s coming from a dude who is barefoot 99% of the time and wears flip flops the other 1% of the time.) Well, it’s a happy day for Posh’s war torn hooves, but it’s a sad day for high heels. Every high heel wearer’s feet are crying out a tear for Posh’s high heel retirement. Or maybe they’re crying out a tear because they hurt from wearing heels.
And now let’s take a high-heeled walk down memory lane….