The nominations for the 69th (lol) Primetime Emmy Awards were announced early this morning by Anna Chlumsky and Shemar Moore, and I kept waiting for them to announce they would only need about 2 minutes of our time because Maya Rudolph had been nominated for everything. That didn’t happen.
If you watched the third season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, you know the highlight came from when Titus Andromedon (spoiler alert!) confessed he had eaten Miss Dionne Warwick after taking her place in a cruise ship performance of Mahogany. We learn he didn’t actually eat her (no hussy messes with Dionne). Maya Rudolph played Dionne. And she did her as Dionne with a side of Maya, which is really how all impressions should be served.
Maya’s performance of Dionne should have at least nabbed her an Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series nomination, but no! The Emmy voters snubbed her A+ performance, and now I’m humming That’s NOT What Friends Are For while wiping back a tear. But they did nominate a whole lot of other people, which are included after the cut.
If you watched the Emmys, then you know that Jimmy Kimmel made a big joke about how Dame Maggie Smith is too good to come to the Emmys. Jimmy joked that this year they were enforcing the “Maggie Smith Rule“, which states that if you’re not present to collect your award, it automatically goes to the next person on the nominee list. Maggie Smith has been nominated for nine Emmy awards, all Outstanding Actress and Outstanding Supporting Actress, and hasn’t shown up once. Minnie Driver and Michael Weatherly presented the Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series Emmy on Sunday, and when Maggie won, Jimmy stepped in, grabbed the award and said that her award will be waiting for her in the lost and found.
When Anna Chlumsky came strolling up the red carpet of the Emmys last night in an ensemble Michael accurately described as looking very bed in a bag, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone in a set of deluxe full/queen sheets sashayed behind her. And that person was Kristen Bell. To be honest, I don’t know who hit the red carpet first, Kristen or Anna. It’s a real “Which came first, the sheets or the duvet” situation.
Regardless, Kristen is doing just as much for me as Anna’s look was. Maybe more, actually, because I’ve always loved a printed bed sheet. I don’t know if everyone did this, but when I was a kid, I used to make my bed with my sheets pattern-side-down. That way, when I made my bed and pulled back my comforter, you got a subtle hint of my elegant bed linens (ie. my Little Mermaid sheets). I felt so classy, like “I bet this is how Margo from Punky Brewster does her bed.” But while I love Kristen’s expensive floral sheet dress, I don’t know if many of us would want to sleep on it. I think I see beading, and I’m pretty sure none of us would want to roll over in the middle of the night and land cheek-first on a cluster of sharp glass beads.
Of course, the cherry on top of a formal bedding situation has got to be the useless satin runner that lives at the foot of the bed. Luckily, Sarah Hyland has got us covered.
Those selfish vocal cords! How dare they keep Beyonce from a fun night out? The Beyhive only gets so many chances to see their queen appear in public, and you took one of those chances away from them, vocal cords. You better hope The Beyhive doesn’t locate your Instagram account. Just ask the producers of Grease: Live. But more on that in a second.
Tom Hiddleston lost the Best Actor in a Limited Series Emmy to Courtney B. Vance last night, but he probably doesn’t care, because he may have won a new partner in PR foolery who will hit the pap stroll with him and make us all forget about the level 10 embarrassing shit he did with his last partner in PR foolery. We will never forget, Tom!
Less than a month ago, trolls hacked Leslie Jones’ accounts and threw up a bunch of her personal shit, including naked pics. Leslie Jones is ready to laugh about it and invited millions of people to do so with her during the Emmys last night.