Because of the billions upon billions of stories from people who have been preyed on by powerful trash men, Hollywood as we know it is burning down to the ground. And lurking in the smoke and flames is Hollywood’s future: ANGELYNE!
My headline is a bit misleading (What else is new?), because when I think of an “Angelyne TV series,” I prolapse from butt orgasming over the thought of an Angelyne reality show starring Angelyne. This isn’t a reality show and it’s not going to star Angelyne herself. It’ll be a scripted limited-series starring Emmy Rossum and it’ll be based on The Hollywood Reporter’s riveting tale of Angelyne’s transformation from Polish refugee to the candy-dipped Queen of Los Angeles. Hey, I’ll take an Angelyne TV series anyway it comes.
Another famous brunette got married over the long weekend, and much like Miranda Kerr’s wedding, this one also involves a dude who knows a lot about technology and watching people through iPhone cameras and…uh…I’m sorry, I’ve never seen Mr. Robot and I don’t use Snapchat.
This is starting to feel like a page from People StyleWatch. “The hottest trend in celebrity jewelry? Coming home and finding all of it missing!” Just like Nicki Minaj, Alanis Morissette, Kendall Jenner and Jamie Pressly, Emmy Rossum has found herself without a whole lot of jewelry. TMZ says that Emmy’s Los Angeles home was broken into while she was away in NYC. According to law enforcement sources, Emmy’s housekeeper showed up to work last Friday only to find broken panes of glass on the back door, no power, and a theft situation. Emmy had two safes in her home, and both were wide open and empty. $150,000 in antique jewelry was taken.
Police think the burglars cut the power so that the house alarm wouldn’t go off. As for how they broke into those safes, they didn’t exactly have to work very hard to get into them. TMZ’s sources say that Emmy kept the combinations right next to each safe. Whether or not she had also painted giant arrows on the floor leading to the safes is still unknown.
I know people keep saying that this isn’t a Bling Ring situation, but I don’t know. An awful lot of celebrities keep getting robbed of their (deep cringe) bling. I just hope that whoever gets robbed next is smart enough to memorize the combination to their safe. This is a teachable moment for all of us, really. If you get a safe, don’t write the combo down and put it next to the safe. Instead, program in an easy-to-memorize combination. Something like 666, or 6969, or 3636. That last is easy to remember because it kind of sounds like “free sex free sex.” At least make your burglars work for it, you know?
Emmy Rossum, who plays Fiona Gallagher on Showtime’s tv show Shameless, wants to get paid as much as her co-star William H. Macy. Until that happens, we’re not getting an eighth season of trashy family adventure. Until the Showtime execs drop some coin in her piggy bank, the show will be as frozen as the cold Chicago winter (er, that’s where the show takes place)!
Justin Theroux was nominated for Best Actor in a Drama Series at the Critics’ Choice Awards last night (SPOILER: He lost to Rami Malek) and he brought his wedded piece Jennifer Aniston as his date. You know, I was going to hate on Jennifer Aniston’s peek-a-cooch dress for looking like two dusty retirement home curtains sewn together by an impatient frog with arthritis, but I’m not going to. I mean, it’s obvious that she went through a whole lot to be there.
When Jennifer Aniston first got to the Critics’ Choice Awards, she got out of the car while wearing her original dress and when she took three steps, a pack of asshole wolves (probably die-hard members of Team Jolie who won’t let go) smelled the Baby Alive food that she spilled on herself and they tore her outfit into a million pieces. She had to run her naked ass into the nearest store, which happened to be a David’s Bridal. Aniston quickly bought a factory-defective clearance rack bridesmaid dress and as she made her way back to the Critics’ Choice Awards, that goddamn pack of wolves jumped her again and tore her new dress in two. Aniston ran into a Rite-Aid where she bought a stapler and sloppily stapled her dress back together. She finally made it to the CCAs and yes, she looked like a raggedy mess, but she suffered through an ordeal and made it!
And when Justin presented on stage, someone was blocking Jennifer’s view and she told that trick to move, bitch, get out the way.
You have to keep an eye on your man at all times because you never know when some hussy harlot whore is going to sweep in and snatch him up. Rude ho. Aniston should’ve pulled a Beanie Baby out of her purse and threw it at their head.
And here’s a million more pictures from the CCAs including some of the return of Julian McMahon!
Seen above doing her best impression of Canada’s King Joffrey trying to rap like the big boys he sees on TV, Emmy Rossum made an appearance on SiriusXM’s Sway in the Morning on Wednesday and she admitted something that made me instantly feel so so bad for her: that her next-door neighbor is Justin Bieber. It all happened when Emmy was asked to describe the one thing she’d do over in her life if she could, and it sounds like she’s about to say “I would live anywhere but next to that brat Justin Bieber“, but instead she told the story of the day she met her new neighbor. Warning: noxious levels of douchery ahead.
Once Emmy discovered that Justin had moved in next-door, she decided to do the good neighbor thing by going over to his house to introduce herself and say hello. Unfortunately, she didn’t get very far because she was stopped by his army of bodyguards, because Justin Bieber is far too important to say hello to the chick from Shameless. Also, he was too busy trying to act tough: according to Emmy, Justin rolled up in his Bentley and and started rapping along to the baddest song on his Kidz Bop CD:
Emmy also says she doubts she’ll be invited to any of Justin Bieber’s clubhouse ragers because she’s 28-years-old and that’s probably too old. I don’t know about that – he’ll definitely want an adult on hand to help him use the oven if he decides his party needs some Totino’s pizza rolls.
Here’s the Mrs. Wilson to Justin Bieber’s Dennis the Menace arriving at LAX yesterday: