And of course I mean the opposite of that.
The head cheerleader and runner-up homecoming queen of Celeb High, Taylor Swift, turns 25 today and she started celebrating early by throwing herself a party at her Tribeca penthouse last night. After performing at the Z100 Jingle Ball earlier in the night, Tay Tay of Sunnybrook Farms showed up to her penthouse which looked like the Grammy’s threw up in it. Beyonce, Jay-Z, Sam Smith, Justin Timberlake and the HAIM chicks were all there. So were Tay’s not-partner-in-pussy Karlie Kloss, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ansel Elgort, Chrissy Teigen, Selena Gomez and more. If you replaced the Tribeca penthouse, the famous hos and the top shelf booze in crystal goblets with a 6-floor walkup apartment, three plebs and a chihuahua and Smirnoff in red cups, it’d be just like my 25th birthday party.
Because Taylor wants all of us to know that her 25th birthday party was better than our 25 birthday party, she Instagrammed this picture. Don’t ask me why Justin Timberlake is wearing a Justin Bieber mask.
That picture becomes 100% better when you imagine how Kim Kartrashian felt while looking at it. Beyonce and Jay-Z skipped her STUNT QUEEN wedding yet they went to Taylor Swift’s 25th birthday party. The Botox mask Kim calls a face probably cracked as she screamed internally.
And as JT partied with Tay Tay and Beyonce, Jessica Biel’s lonely knocked up ass sat at home hoping that he’ll bring her a slice of birthday cake.
After falling on the stairs at the 2013 Academy Awards and bailing on the red carpet at the 2014 Academy Awards, I just assumed Jennifer Lawrence was planning on saving her next “Whoopsies, how endearing of me!” choreographed stunt fall for the 2015 Academy Awards. Instead, The Daily Mail says she fast-tracked things a bit by tripping up the stairs at the New York premiere of X-Men: Days of Future Past on Sunday night. Although, this one might not technically count, because they say it wasn’t a full-on shit-eating fall; it was more like a fall that never materialized because too many people threw out their arms to prevent America’s Sexiest Keeper of the Real from taking a tumble. It was the pre-cum of falling, really.
I know I throw a lot of shade at Jennifer Lawrence for being one of the hardest working tricks in the try-hard game, but I honestly believe this stumble up the stairs wasn’t planned. That velveteen dress she’s wearing is giving me serious flashbacks to the year 2000, and in case you forgot about the year everyone was stuffing themselves into cheap velveteen, that shit wasn’t a very forgiving fabric. It stretched when it wanted to and if your skirt/dress was long enough, it always found a way to wrap itself around the heel of your platform Mary Janes and throw your ass at the worst of times. It’s not JLaw’s fault she almost fell again; it was that vengeful bitch velveteen’s fault!
Here’s more of Jennifer Lawrence at the X-Men: Back to the Future Past premiere on Sunday night, along with Hugh Jackman, who also threw back to the year 2000 by wearing a band-aid on his face as an homage to Nelly (not really; it’s because he had some skin cancer removed), JLaw’s About A Hottie boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, Ellen Page looking like a young Jesus going to his bar mitzvah, and Fan Bingbing, who not only brings the glamour EVERY TIME, but also has the hottest name:
It’s always a good idea when a couple who have scratched and beaten at each other in a Montreal hotel room get engaged to be married! Extra reported earlier today that Eric Roberts’ crazy ass daughter Emma Roberts is engaged to her boyfriend of a year Evan Peters. Evan gave her a pink diamond and gold engagement ring over the holidays in NYC. Emma’s eyes sparkled something extra when she got it, because now that she’s wearing a huge ring on her hand, her punches will do more damage.
Extra says that Emma and Evan spent New Year’s in London together and when they got back to New Orleans to continue shooting American Horror Story: Coven, she had the ring on her hitchin’ finger. People confirms this shit.
Emma always looks like she just snorted Benzos and fucked a homeless junkie runaway in a gas station bathroom and didn’t even take a whore bath in the sink afterward, and Evan Peters looks like that homeless junkie runaway she fucked in a gas station bathroom, so they totally belong together for now. Besides, they’re both young, so they should go ahead and get their first marriage out of the way. There’s so many future ex-wives and ex-husbands waiting for them!
Okay, cutting in line isn’t a criminal act, but it should be, especially when Emma Roberts tries it.
The Cronut (not to be confused with a crow’s nuts) is still making bitches go crazy in NYC and everyone’s still acting like eating a Cronut is like putting your mouth on an angel’s warm vagina. Crazies will sell their children and suck a dirty dick on a subway platform just for a bite of a Cronut. The line to get one is still really long and apparently boyfriend beater and Hollywood’s newest crazy bitch Emma Roberts learned that there is no VIP entrance.
Before going on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Emma and her publicist pulled in front of the Dominique Ansel Bakery to get a Cronut. The Daily Mail says that Emma saw the long line, ignored it and stomped to the front door like her first name is Julia instead of Emma. The bakery’s front door person immediately stopped the star of Hotel for Dogs from trying to get cutsies and banished her to the back of the line. Emma did the walk of shame to the back of the line and waited for a few minutes before she gave up and left without tasting deep fried heaven covered in unicorn jizz. HA on her.
Yes, waiting for hours to buy a croissant and donut baby is craziness, but I have driven 45 minutes to go to a Popeye’s that was still open, so who am I to judge? But cutting in line is ILLEGAL and every single one of those people waiting for a Cronut should’ve busted a CITIZEN’S ARREST on that entitled ho. Emma Roberts should be put on the Cronut blacklist forever. No Cronut for you, Emma Roberts.
Sadly, that didn’t happen. Jimmy Fallon heard about Emma’s unsuccessful attempt to get a Cronut and so he gave her one on his show.
Jimmy is part of the problem! He’s rewarding a criminal. I hope that one of the Cronut chefs knew who that Cronut was going to and put a toe nail in it or something. She’s the worst.
Here’s Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of another one of her movies that I’ll probably watch in a few years on basic cable when it’s late at night, I’m vulnerable and need something to do while inhaling two bags of Milanos. So whenever Jennifer Aniston’s got a premiere, she puts on some tight satin dress and makes sure her next cover of UsWeekly is bumping all the way out. I see you, Aniston, and I see your first trimester Beyonce™ brand pillow baby. Or maybe that’s a bag of gin and it’s attached to a straw that sticks out of the top of her dress so she can suck on it and get shit-faced while watching her mess of a movie. That’s totally it.
Even though that dress is a STUNT QUEEN prop and she’s only wearing it because she wants everyone to think she’s knocked up with an entire child army that will take down St. Angie’s child army, I sort of like that dress. That line across her chest makes it look like her tits are squinting. No, I’m not stoned. I think.
Well, I guess Emma Roberts inherited some of the crazy from her father. Eric Roberts’ daughter and Evan Peters are both in Montreal shooting the third season of American Horror Story and when they’re not shooting scenes, they’re behaving like a healthy, stable and loving couple. And I mean the opposite of all that.
TMZ says that on July 7th, somebody called the police to report a loud ass fight happening in Emma and Evans’ hotel room. The cops showed up and found Evan with a bloody nose and a bite mark. Emma was put into hand cuffs and spent a few hours in jail before she was released into the wild. Emma won’t have to face a judge, because Evan refused to press charges.
A source tells TMZ that Evan and Emma allegedly both got crazy and hit on each other that night, but she’s the one who spent some time in a cell, because he had marks on his body and she didn’t. The source also denied that Emma put her teeth into Evan’s skin. They’re back together and back to work.
If the blind items are right, then I guess Emma Roberts turns from a piece of wilting, bland boiled cauliflower into a white girl version of Chris Brown when she gets a little of the bad shit in her. Coke makes her fists fly. But really, what is going on in Canada? Cory Monteith overdoses on heroin in Vancouver and Emma Roberts and Evan Peters beat on each other in Montreal. What’s next? Taylor Swift gets arrested for moose jacking in Algonquin? I meant, she’s going to steal a moose. I didn’t mean the other thing, but that works too.
When peen-headed Vin Diesel cried about how Hollywood is harder on men than women when it comes to body image, I said some shit about how Hollywood is the land of unrealistic everything and most Hollywood movies are not real life. Here’s another example to throw on that pile.
The red band (aka NSFWish) trailer for We’re the Millers came out yesterday and it had a couple of scenes of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a club and another scene of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a barn (Side note: “Strippers in a barn” is basically the theme for Trace Cyrus’ future bachelor party). I get why Jennifer Aniston wanted to play a stripper. When she’s not crocheting boleros for her Beanie Babies, she’s doing tequila shots off of Chelsea Handler’s leather-covered stomach and when she’s not doing that, she’s working out (or getting lunchtime lipo). So, since she works that hard on her body, she figures that she might as well show her ass off. I get it. But my neighbor’s 12-year-old, obese cat whose got a field of dingles on her butt would make a more believable stripper than Jennifer Aniston does.
But I do appreciate the tribute to TLC in the trailer….
…and the tribute to Cisco Adler’s nutsack.
Since Miley Cyrus is going around lately looking like a 1990s hooker, it took me a minute to realize this wasn’t Miley in her usual grocery store-going outfit. This is Julia Roberts’ niece and Eric Roberts’ daughter Emma Roberts going to a Halloween party with her dude Evan Roberts from American Horror Story (Note: His last name is Peters, but I felt like I really needed to make you overdose on Roberts by typing the last name Roberts one more time. Roberts.) Because Emma Roberts really wanted young bitches to come to her all night and say, “OHMYGAWD, you’re dressed like your auntie in that old movie that plays on AMC. How cute!“, she dressed up like her auntie in Pretty Woman.
Julia Roberts never looked like a real-life pussy peddler to me and neither does Emma Roberts, so she pulled off the faux hooker look. But it’s Evan Peters I’m throwing hate at. Dude didn’t even dress up. Don’t try to tell me that he’s wearing a costume, because I refuse to believe he is. That’s how he normally dresses, because that’s how everyone in L.A. normally dresses. Evan missed out on a huge opportunity. Evan could’ve thrown a severe white wig on his head, put icy blue contacts in his eyes, bought a black ruffled hair bow from a store that specializes in hair accessories from the early 90s for bitchy toddlers and gone as the most pivotal character in Pretty Woman. Evan could’ve been the Snobby Saleswoman #2 to Emma Roberts’ Vivian. BIG MISTAKE! HUGE!
No post about Pretty Woman is complete without the original GOOP, Marie. Mitt Romney should’ve picked Marie as his running mate, because nobody hates on the poor like she does.
Everybody who was at Coachella’s second weekend now knows what it feels like to live in George Hamilton’s charbroiled shell, because the heat nearly burned everyone’s skin off and their nipple knobs split like a hot dog cooking in the microwave. And when the temperatures go up, the fuckery comes out to play. Case in point: Here’s Eric Roberts’ daughter, Emma Roberts, looking like a Natty-drinking, Nascar fan-humping, freon-huffing Panama Beach City beauty circa 1988. Bitch Vanessa Hudgens’ed out!
If you’re thinking that Emma really broke the style mold with her “tube top lost in a fight against a shredder” shirt and her fly wide open coochie cutters, then prepare yourself for the white mesh exquisiteness she brought during day 2 of Coachella. Julia Roberts, please have a seat, grab a note pad and let your niece show you how a style icon truly brings it. If you don’t like you should be dancing on the bed of a pick-up truck to Pour Some Sugar On Me, then you’re doing it wrong.
And I threw in some pictures of Kristen Stewart and RPattz, because they were a shredder fight away from being as lot lizard glamorous as Emma Roberts.
In the picture above, Tiny is most likely giving T.I. a side of handjob with his soup. And this is exactly the kind of behavior that earned him a case of Smurf balls and a trip to a “Special Housing Unit.” T.I. is currently serving time in Arkansas for violating his probation and he got into more trouble over the weekend with some prude ass prison guards for violating decency by letting his wife Tiny yank on his Shake Weight.
TMZ says that the prison rules state that inmates are only allowed to kiss, hug and hold hands with their loved ones during visiting hours. The visiting room staff must be able to see hands at all times, so finger creeping down into the bush is strictly prohibited. T.I. tried to jizz all over those rules, but a security guard caught him before he could finish. Prison officials punished his ass by sending him to a part of the prison where there’s more security and less freedom for inmates.
Don’t security guards have bigger things to worry about than Babe’s cousin sticking to her vows by hand fucking her husband in the visiting room of a prison?! Damn. It’s not like Tiny was wiping her ass juices off of T.I.’s peen after doing anal with him on the picnic table in front of everyone! It was just a measly hj. Besides, a handjob is a form of hugging! That technicality should get T.I. off…in more ways than one.