Okay, cutting in line isn’t a criminal act, but it should be, especially when Emma Roberts tries it.
The Cronut (not to be confused with a crow’s nuts) is still making bitches go crazy in NYC and everyone’s still acting like eating a Cronut is like putting your mouth on an angel’s warm vagina. Crazies will sell their children and suck a dirty dick on a subway platform just for a bite of a Cronut. The line to get one is still really long and apparently boyfriend beater and Hollywood’s newest crazy bitch Emma Roberts learned that there is no VIP entrance.
Before going on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Emma and her publicist pulled in front of the Dominique Ansel Bakery to get a Cronut. The Daily Mail says that Emma saw the long line, ignored it and stomped to the front door like her first name is Julia instead of Emma. The bakery’s front door person immediately stopped the star of Hotel for Dogs from trying to get cutsies and banished her to the back of the line. Emma did the walk of shame to the back of the line and waited for a few minutes before she gave up and left without tasting deep fried heaven covered in unicorn jizz. HA on her.
Yes, waiting for hours to buy a croissant and donut baby is craziness, but I have driven 45 minutes to go to a Popeye’s that was still open, so who am I to judge? But cutting in line is ILLEGAL and every single one of those people waiting for a Cronut should’ve busted a CITIZEN’S ARREST on that entitled ho. Emma Roberts should be put on the Cronut blacklist forever. No Cronut for you, Emma Roberts.
Sadly, that didn’t happen. Jimmy Fallon heard about Emma’s unsuccessful attempt to get a Cronut and so he gave her one on his show.
Jimmy is part of the problem! He’s rewarding a criminal. I hope that one of the Cronut chefs knew who that Cronut was going to and put a toe nail in it or something. She’s the worst.
Here’s Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of another one of her movies that I’ll probably watch in a few years on basic cable when it’s late at night, I’m vulnerable and need something to do while inhaling two bags of Milanos. So whenever Jennifer Aniston’s got a premiere, she puts on some tight satin dress and makes sure her next cover of UsWeekly is bumping all the way out. I see you, Aniston, and I see your first trimester Beyonce™ brand pillow baby. Or maybe that’s a bag of gin and it’s attached to a straw that sticks out of the top of her dress so she can suck on it and get shit-faced while watching her mess of a movie. That’s totally it.
Even though that dress is a STUNT QUEEN prop and she’s only wearing it because she wants everyone to think she’s knocked up with an entire child army that will take down St. Angie’s child army, I sort of like that dress. That line across her chest makes it look like her tits are squinting. No, I’m not stoned. I think.
Well, I guess Emma Roberts inherited some of the crazy from her father. Eric Roberts’ daughter and Evan Peters are both in Montreal shooting the third season of American Horror Story and when they’re not shooting scenes, they’re behaving like a healthy, stable and loving couple. And I mean the opposite of all that.
TMZ says that on July 7th, somebody called the police to report a loud ass fight happening in Emma and Evans’ hotel room. The cops showed up and found Evan with a bloody nose and a bite mark. Emma was put into hand cuffs and spent a few hours in jail before she was released into the wild. Emma won’t have to face a judge, because Evan refused to press charges.
A source tells TMZ that Evan and Emma allegedly both got crazy and hit on each other that night, but she’s the one who spent some time in a cell, because he had marks on his body and she didn’t. The source also denied that Emma put her teeth into Evan’s skin. They’re back together and back to work.
If the blind items are right, then I guess Emma Roberts turns from a piece of wilting, bland boiled cauliflower into a white girl version of Chris Brown when she gets a little of the bad shit in her. Coke makes her fists fly. But really, what is going on in Canada? Cory Monteith overdoses on heroin in Vancouver and Emma Roberts and Evan Peters beat on each other in Montreal. What’s next? Taylor Swift gets arrested for moose jacking in Algonquin? I meant, she’s going to steal a moose. I didn’t mean the other thing, but that works too.
When peen-headed Vin Diesel cried about how Hollywood is harder on men than women when it comes to body image, I said some shit about how Hollywood is the land of unrealistic everything and most Hollywood movies are not real life. Here’s another example to throw on that pile.
The red band (aka NSFWish) trailer for We’re the Millers came out yesterday and it had a couple of scenes of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a club and another scene of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a barn (Side note: “Strippers in a barn” is basically the theme for Trace Cyrus’ future bachelor party). I get why Jennifer Aniston wanted to play a stripper. When she’s not crocheting boleros for her Beanie Babies, she’s doing tequila shots off of Chelsea Handler’s leather-covered stomach and when she’s not doing that, she’s working out (or getting lunchtime lipo). So, since she works that hard on her body, she figures that she might as well show her ass off. I get it. But my neighbor’s 12-year-old, obese cat whose got a field of dingles on her butt would make a more believable stripper than Jennifer Aniston does.
But I do appreciate the tribute to TLC in the trailer….
…and the tribute to Cisco Adler’s nutsack.
Since Miley Cyrus is going around lately looking like a 1990s hooker, it took me a minute to realize this wasn’t Miley in her usual grocery store-going outfit. This is Julia Roberts’ niece and Eric Roberts’ daughter Emma Roberts going to a Halloween party with her dude Evan Roberts from American Horror Story (Note: His last name is Peters, but I felt like I really needed to make you overdose on Roberts by typing the last name Roberts one more time. Roberts.) Because Emma Roberts really wanted young bitches to come to her all night and say, “OHMYGAWD, you’re dressed like your auntie in that old movie that plays on AMC. How cute!“, she dressed up like her auntie in Pretty Woman.
Julia Roberts never looked like a real-life pussy peddler to me and neither does Emma Roberts, so she pulled off the faux hooker look. But it’s Evan Peters I’m throwing hate at. Dude didn’t even dress up. Don’t try to tell me that he’s wearing a costume, because I refuse to believe he is. That’s how he normally dresses, because that’s how everyone in L.A. normally dresses. Evan missed out on a huge opportunity. Evan could’ve thrown a severe white wig on his head, put icy blue contacts in his eyes, bought a black ruffled hair bow from a store that specializes in hair accessories from the early 90s for bitchy toddlers and gone as the most pivotal character in Pretty Woman. Evan could’ve been the Snobby Saleswoman #2 to Emma Roberts’ Vivian. BIG MISTAKE! HUGE!
No post about Pretty Woman is complete without the original GOOP, Marie. Mitt Romney should’ve picked Marie as his running mate, because nobody hates on the poor like she does.
Everybody who was at Coachella’s second weekend now knows what it feels like to live in George Hamilton’s charbroiled shell, because the heat nearly burned everyone’s skin off and their nipple knobs split like a hot dog cooking in the microwave. And when the temperatures go up, the fuckery comes out to play. Case in point: Here’s Eric Roberts’ daughter, Emma Roberts, looking like a Natty-drinking, Nascar fan-humping, freon-huffing Panama Beach City beauty circa 1988. Bitch Vanessa Hudgens’ed out!
If you’re thinking that Emma really broke the style mold with her “tube top lost in a fight against a shredder” shirt and her fly wide open coochie cutters, then prepare yourself for the white mesh exquisiteness she brought during day 2 of Coachella. Julia Roberts, please have a seat, grab a note pad and let your niece show you how a style icon truly brings it. If you don’t like you should be dancing on the bed of a pick-up truck to Pour Some Sugar On Me, then you’re doing it wrong.
And I threw in some pictures of Kristen Stewart and RPattz, because they were a shredder fight away from being as lot lizard glamorous as Emma Roberts.
In the picture above, Tiny is most likely giving T.I. a side of handjob with his soup. And this is exactly the kind of behavior that earned him a case of Smurf balls and a trip to a “Special Housing Unit.” T.I. is currently serving time in Arkansas for violating his probation and he got into more trouble over the weekend with some prude ass prison guards for violating decency by letting his wife Tiny yank on his Shake Weight.
TMZ says that the prison rules state that inmates are only allowed to kiss, hug and hold hands with their loved ones during visiting hours. The visiting room staff must be able to see hands at all times, so finger creeping down into the bush is strictly prohibited. T.I. tried to jizz all over those rules, but a security guard caught him before he could finish. Prison officials punished his ass by sending him to a part of the prison where there’s more security and less freedom for inmates.
Don’t security guards have bigger things to worry about than Babe’s cousin sticking to her vows by hand fucking her husband in the visiting room of a prison?! Damn. It’s not like Tiny was wiping her ass juices off of T.I.’s peen after doing anal with him on the picnic table in front of everyone! It was just a measly hj. Besides, a handjob is a form of hugging! That technicality should get T.I. off…in more ways than one.
Based on the fact that T.I. keeps getting caught doing illegal shit, you’d think he loves washing his ass crack with state-issued soap around a dozen man fupas and also loves eating all of his meals on a tin plate, but this isn’t the case. T.I., who is currently serving an 11-month sentence for violating his probation, ran a cup along the bars of his cell and howled out a “woe woe wooooooe is me” tear-stained soliloquy about how he’s sick of being locked up. These are the tears that Tip shed all over his website yesterday:
This experience is truly a pain I have never felt before and that’s saying a lot for a nigga who’s been down locked up as many times as I have. I see this as a real ass whoopin’. The kind you don’t just go back outside to play afterwards. You take ya ass to bed and don’t come out of your room until it’s time to go to school. I don’ t know what effect this will have on my life moving forward but I’m certainly sick and mother fucking tired of going to jail, juve, prison, the pen, correctional facilities or whatever else you want to call it. I’d have been better off doing a 5-10 year bid one time than going in time and time again for days, weeks and months for the last 15 years of my life. Even though it’s been a long road, I’m still standing, barely but nevertheless still standing. At one time I thought my motivation for continuing was for my fans, my partna Philant, my pops, my grandmama, even for the haters or the people I let down. But nah… I got to do this shit for me!!! I’ll be God damned if I’ve come all this way and made it through so much hell to let it go down like this! Fuck that! If an hour in the dark is worth a second in the sun then pass me my mother fuckin’ shades cause I’m ready to cash my darkest hours in…ASAP!!!
A lot of folks had fathers or father figures in the house to raise them into manhood. I’m not trying to make any excuses for my situation but my father was a hustler that lived in New York. My uncle was a local big time dope boy turned 10 year federal inmate. My mother and grandparents did the best they could but I found my manhood in the trap and in prison systems. But I found it. And nan one of mine will ever have to feel the cold tight grip of a handcuff or grace the presence of a jail cell if I can help it. Over my dead body! So if you can’t respect that you ain’t rocking with my movement then Fuck you dog! I know a bunch of mother fuckers who are…..
- Love KING
Here’s a basic thought for Tip to moisturize his brain with: STOP DOING THINGS THAT WILL MAKE A COP PERK UP! And once he’s done with that, can T.I. tell us more about the “I found my manhood in the trap” part IN DETAIL. Picture boards and other visual aids are welcome.
Doesn’t it just put a shit on your day when a dude in a crocodile mask steals your shine? Although, the hot piece with the third-degree Heidi Fleiss face (see thumbnail #5) is giving Croc Dude some serious competition.
The broken condom secret love child of Speckles the star-nosed mole and the Geico Piggy is facing up to a year behind bars, because the L.A. County District Attorney’s Office has charged her with possession of ecstasy. This all goes back to when T.I. and Tiny were busted in Los Angeles last month. T.I. has already earned 11 months of scrubbing his taint in a shower room full of convicts for violating his probation, and now there’s a chance Tiny will be shuffling right behind him. They better leave enough pizza money on the table for their child army, because mommy and daddy might be gone for a while.
TMZ reports that prosecutors in L.A. have decided to no go after T.I. for the charges since he has already been sentenced to 11 months in Georgia. So I guess Tiny is taking the fall then.
The only thing I have to say about this is if Tiny gets thrown behind bars, she should consider dying those Jem! weave pieces a nice shade of prison orange. Bitch does not want to clash with her jumpsuit.