Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.
Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.
Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.
Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.
Back in March, professional famous friend collector Taylor Swift was named the godmother of the baby growing inside Jaime King. And this weekend, she held up her end of the godmother deal by throwing a huge-ass baby shower and inviting all her famous friends to come and lavish attention on Taylor Swift…I mean, Jaime. It was totally about Jaime. I mean, it was clearly just a coincidence that Taylor got the coveted second-from-the-left spot in the picture above.
Just like Taylor Swift’s birthday party, Taylor Swift’s baby shower was packed full of famous people: Gigi Hadid, the Haim sisters, Hailee Steinfeld, Emma Roberts, Sarah Hyland and Joey King. Taylor also made sure to invite a couple of adults, like Jessica Alba, Nina Dobrev, Selma Blair, Diane Kruger, and Topher Grace, so that 36-year-old Jaime didn’t feel left out. Not present: Lorde and Ellie Goulding. Hmmm….
Taylor’s “I’m gonna be a godmother, bitches!” baby shower took place at Soho House in West Hollywood, which means that baby shower was already an expensive mess before the first exquisitely-wrapped present was placed on the gift table. And I’m sure all the best presents came from Tay Tay herself. Fuck a Bumbo and some burp cloths; that yet-to-be born baby probably took home a stroller glued together with the tears of her enemies, a framed plaque stating that a fancy breed of expensive cat has been named after it, the No. 3 spot on her best friends list, and the deed to a small island.
Here’s more from Jaime’s baby shower. There were so many famous people there, looking at the pictures is like playing Where’s Waldo, but instead of finding the dude in the striped sweater, you’re searching for the one non-famous normal person.
After three years together and nearly a year-and-a-half of being engaged, Emma Roberts and Evan Peters (aka Madison Montgomery/Maggie Esmerelda and Lobster Boy from American Horror Story) are calling it quits on their messy relationship. A source tells JustJared that the breakup was “amicable,” they’re “still friends,” they “have so many great memories together” and that there was “no drama whatsoever.” Damn, that source is really going hard. Does anyone know the legal limit for protesting? Because that source clearly doth protest too much.
Well, that’s it. It’s over. Looks like we’ll never get to hear a wedding-day story about a champagne-drunk Emma Roberts screaming out “I fucking DO NOT!” as she whips an entire three-tiered wedding cake at Evan Peters, all while their friends and family mouth the words “No more booze for them” to the bartender. God, it could have been so beautiful.
Even if their relationship wasn’t filled to the brim with dramatics, they most likely would have called it quits eventually. Emma is 24 and Evan is 28, and 24 and 28 is way too young to settle down in Hollywood years. You can’t tame the crotches of two wild Hollywood 20-somethings; you’ve got to let them roam free. Speaking of, here’s Emma leaving a bar in Hollywood last night without her engagement ring on.
Since the theme of this year’s Met Gala was basically China? followed by a shrug, Emma Roberts decided the vaguely Chinese elements of her outfit would be a dragon purse that totally reminds me of the seat covers in my high school boyfriend’s car and a pair of chopsticks in her hair. Unfortunately, the internet had a problem with the chopsticks. People says that shortly after Emma posted a picture of her Met Gala hair to Instagram, several people started swatting at her for cultural appropriation. “Uh oh” just whispered every 13-year-old girl from 2002.
People says that none of the comments seemed to stay for very long, but plenty of people on Twitter picked up where Instagram left off. Emma got the message, and she yanked the chopsticks out of her hair before she stepped on the red carpet.
I’d say it was probably a good movie on Emma Roberts’ part to ditch the chopsticks, for two reasons. One, because the last thing you want when you show up to the Met Gala is for those stuck-up bitches on the red carpet to throw you a “Really? Chopsticks? How predictable” eye roll. And two, because everybody knows if you’re going to reuse a popular hair accessory from the early 2000s, it should really be one of those scrunchies made of fake hair.
Here’s a sans-chopsticks Emma arriving at the Met Gala last night, as well as a bunch of other young types. Speaking of things in hair, Selena Gomez put 12lbs of flowers in hers, Zendaya wore a crown, and Justin Bieber showed up with a whole bottle of L’Oreal Kids No More Tangles gel in his.
And of course I mean the opposite of that.
The head cheerleader and runner-up homecoming queen of Celeb High, Taylor Swift, turns 25 today and she started celebrating early by throwing herself a party at her Tribeca penthouse last night. After performing at the Z100 Jingle Ball earlier in the night, Tay Tay of Sunnybrook Farms showed up to her penthouse which looked like the Grammy’s threw up in it. Beyonce, Jay-Z, Sam Smith, Justin Timberlake and the HAIM chicks were all there. So were Tay’s not-partner-in-pussy Karlie Kloss, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ansel Elgort, Chrissy Teigen, Selena Gomez and more. If you replaced the Tribeca penthouse, the famous hos and the top shelf booze in crystal goblets with a 6-floor walkup apartment, three plebs and a chihuahua and Smirnoff in red cups, it’d be just like my 25th birthday party.
Because Taylor wants all of us to know that her 25th birthday party was better than our 25 birthday party, she Instagrammed this picture. Don’t ask me why Justin Timberlake is wearing a Justin Bieber mask.
That picture becomes 100% better when you imagine how Kim Kartrashian felt while looking at it. Beyonce and Jay-Z skipped her STUNT QUEEN wedding yet they went to Taylor Swift’s 25th birthday party. The Botox mask Kim calls a face probably cracked as she screamed internally.
And as JT partied with Tay Tay and Beyonce, Jessica Biel’s lonely knocked up ass sat at home hoping that he’ll bring her a slice of birthday cake.
After falling on the stairs at the 2013 Academy Awards and bailing on the red carpet at the 2014 Academy Awards, I just assumed Jennifer Lawrence was planning on saving her next “Whoopsies, how endearing of me!” choreographed stunt fall for the 2015 Academy Awards. Instead, The Daily Mail says she fast-tracked things a bit by tripping up the stairs at the New York premiere of X-Men: Days of Future Past on Sunday night. Although, this one might not technically count, because they say it wasn’t a full-on shit-eating fall; it was more like a fall that never materialized because too many people threw out their arms to prevent America’s Sexiest Keeper of the Real from taking a tumble. It was the pre-cum of falling, really.
I know I throw a lot of shade at Jennifer Lawrence for being one of the hardest working tricks in the try-hard game, but I honestly believe this stumble up the stairs wasn’t planned. That velveteen dress she’s wearing is giving me serious flashbacks to the year 2000, and in case you forgot about the year everyone was stuffing themselves into cheap velveteen, that shit wasn’t a very forgiving fabric. It stretched when it wanted to and if your skirt/dress was long enough, it always found a way to wrap itself around the heel of your platform Mary Janes and throw your ass at the worst of times. It’s not JLaw’s fault she almost fell again; it was that vengeful bitch velveteen’s fault!
Here’s more of Jennifer Lawrence at the X-Men: Back to the Future Past premiere on Sunday night, along with Hugh Jackman, who also threw back to the year 2000 by wearing a band-aid on his face as an homage to Nelly (not really; it’s because he had some skin cancer removed), JLaw’s About A Hottie boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, Ellen Page looking like a young Jesus going to his bar mitzvah, and Fan Bingbing, who not only brings the glamour EVERY TIME, but also has the hottest name:
It’s always a good idea when a couple who have scratched and beaten at each other in a Montreal hotel room get engaged to be married! Extra reported earlier today that Eric Roberts’ crazy ass daughter Emma Roberts is engaged to her boyfriend of a year Evan Peters. Evan gave her a pink diamond and gold engagement ring over the holidays in NYC. Emma’s eyes sparkled something extra when she got it, because now that she’s wearing a huge ring on her hand, her punches will do more damage.
Extra says that Emma and Evan spent New Year’s in London together and when they got back to New Orleans to continue shooting American Horror Story: Coven, she had the ring on her hitchin’ finger. People confirms this shit.
Emma always looks like she just snorted Benzos and fucked a homeless junkie runaway in a gas station bathroom and didn’t even take a whore bath in the sink afterward, and Evan Peters looks like that homeless junkie runaway she fucked in a gas station bathroom, so they totally belong together for now. Besides, they’re both young, so they should go ahead and get their first marriage out of the way. There’s so many future ex-wives and ex-husbands waiting for them!
Okay, cutting in line isn’t a criminal act, but it should be, especially when Emma Roberts tries it.
The Cronut (not to be confused with a crow’s nuts) is still making bitches go crazy in NYC and everyone’s still acting like eating a Cronut is like putting your mouth on an angel’s warm vagina. Crazies will sell their children and suck a dirty dick on a subway platform just for a bite of a Cronut. The line to get one is still really long and apparently boyfriend beater and Hollywood’s newest crazy bitch Emma Roberts learned that there is no VIP entrance.
Before going on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Emma and her publicist pulled in front of the Dominique Ansel Bakery to get a Cronut. The Daily Mail says that Emma saw the long line, ignored it and stomped to the front door like her first name is Julia instead of Emma. The bakery’s front door person immediately stopped the star of Hotel for Dogs from trying to get cutsies and banished her to the back of the line. Emma did the walk of shame to the back of the line and waited for a few minutes before she gave up and left without tasting deep fried heaven covered in unicorn jizz. HA on her.
Yes, waiting for hours to buy a croissant and donut baby is craziness, but I have driven 45 minutes to go to a Popeye’s that was still open, so who am I to judge? But cutting in line is ILLEGAL and every single one of those people waiting for a Cronut should’ve busted a CITIZEN’S ARREST on that entitled ho. Emma Roberts should be put on the Cronut blacklist forever. No Cronut for you, Emma Roberts.
Sadly, that didn’t happen. Jimmy Fallon heard about Emma’s unsuccessful attempt to get a Cronut and so he gave her one on his show.
Jimmy is part of the problem! He’s rewarding a criminal. I hope that one of the Cronut chefs knew who that Cronut was going to and put a toe nail in it or something. She’s the worst.
Here’s Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of another one of her movies that I’ll probably watch in a few years on basic cable when it’s late at night, I’m vulnerable and need something to do while inhaling two bags of Milanos. So whenever Jennifer Aniston’s got a premiere, she puts on some tight satin dress and makes sure her next cover of UsWeekly is bumping all the way out. I see you, Aniston, and I see your first trimester Beyonce™ brand pillow baby. Or maybe that’s a bag of gin and it’s attached to a straw that sticks out of the top of her dress so she can suck on it and get shit-faced while watching her mess of a movie. That’s totally it.
Even though that dress is a STUNT QUEEN prop and she’s only wearing it because she wants everyone to think she’s knocked up with an entire child army that will take down St. Angie’s child army, I sort of like that dress. That line across her chest makes it look like her tits are squinting. No, I’m not stoned. I think.
Well, I guess Emma Roberts inherited some of the crazy from her father. Eric Roberts’ daughter and Evan Peters are both in Montreal shooting the third season of American Horror Story and when they’re not shooting scenes, they’re behaving like a healthy, stable and loving couple. And I mean the opposite of all that.
TMZ says that on July 7th, somebody called the police to report a loud ass fight happening in Emma and Evans’ hotel room. The cops showed up and found Evan with a bloody nose and a bite mark. Emma was put into hand cuffs and spent a few hours in jail before she was released into the wild. Emma won’t have to face a judge, because Evan refused to press charges.
A source tells TMZ that Evan and Emma allegedly both got crazy and hit on each other that night, but she’s the one who spent some time in a cell, because he had marks on his body and she didn’t. The source also denied that Emma put her teeth into Evan’s skin. They’re back together and back to work.
If the blind items are right, then I guess Emma Roberts turns from a piece of wilting, bland boiled cauliflower into a white girl version of Chris Brown when she gets a little of the bad shit in her. Coke makes her fists fly. But really, what is going on in Canada? Cory Monteith overdoses on heroin in Vancouver and Emma Roberts and Evan Peters beat on each other in Montreal. What’s next? Taylor Swift gets arrested for moose jacking in Algonquin? I meant, she’s going to steal a moose. I didn’t mean the other thing, but that works too.