The venerable Emma Thompson will be joining the ranks of the Dame’ed. According to the Associated Press, Queen Elizabeth II about to get her investiture on, and give Emma the title of Dame Emma. It’s the lady equivalent of a knighthood. Emma will finally be able to join fellow Dames Judi Dench, Julie Andrews, Angela Lansbury, Helen Mirren, Joan Collins and Maggie Smith in the secret underground Dame Fight Club where the only things that land harder than the punches, are the devastating one-liners.
During the same interview with the Scandinavian TV show Skavlan (via E! News) last week in which Emma Thompson admitted she was once asked out by Donald Trump, she explained that she almost quit a film over the fat shaming of a co-star.
Pictured: Emma Thompson laughing while trying to control the wet heaves as she thinks about going on a date with Trump.
During an interview on the Scandinavian TV show Skavlan (via UsWeekly) yesterday, Emma Thompson said that like Salma Hayek and Princess Diana, she once found herself being the object of Donald Trump’s affections. One day after her divorce from Kenneth Branagh became final, Emma was in her trailer on the L.A. set of 1998’s Primary Colors when she got a call and heard the words that probably made her cooze close up and dry up. The voice on the other end said, “Hi, it’s Donald Trump here.”
Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
Thanks to Calvin Klein, I know that models nowadays book jobs based on how many people follow them on Instagram. Although I wasn’t aware that there was a hiring practice in Hollywood where your chances of getting cast in a movie were higher if you included your social media stats on the back of your headshot. But apparently that’s a thing, and Emma Thompson isn’t happy about it.
The last Bridget Jones’ movie came out over 11 years ago, but because the “crying lonely tears on a log of raw cookie dough after a break-up” set will throw their money at a third movie, a third movie has been shot and the one-time master squinter formerly known as Squinty Zellweger debuted the first trailer on Ellen today. As anyone who has been following this shit knows, they threw out the plot of the third Bridget Jones book and did a new story based on the columns that author Helen Fielding wrote for The Independent in 2005.
In Bridget Jones’s Baby, Bridget is still an awkward klutz, but now she’s a 40-year-old awkward klutz who is knocked up with a Maury baby. Bridget doesn’t know if the dude who raw-dogged a baby into her womb is her ex-husband (yeah ex) Mark Darcy or a hot billionaire piece played by Patrick Dempsey. Bridget tells both of them that they’re the father and HIJINKS (including HIJINKS involving Dr. Emma Thompson) ensue! I know, Bridget Jones really needs a shameless gold digger friend in her life to advise her that she needs to tell Patrick Dempsey that he’s really the father, and if the baby comes out looking like Darcy in the face, take the baby on a long-visit to her mom’s house (read: take the baby to get back alley plastic surgery to look like Patrick Dempsey in the face). Heather Mills would’ve played the role of the gold digger friend flawlessly. What a missed opportunity!
And I’m really surprised that the UK hasn’t announced that they’re experiencing a Vaseline shortage, because it’s obvious that every jar was smeared on all of the camera lenses while making this.