Pictured: Emma Thompson laughing while trying to control the wet heaves as she thinks about going on a date with Trump.
During an interview on the Scandinavian TV show Skavlan (via UsWeekly) yesterday, Emma Thompson said that like Salma Hayek and Princess Diana, she once found herself being the object of Donald Trump’s affections. One day after her divorce from Kenneth Branagh became final, Emma was in her trailer on the L.A. set of 1998’s Primary Colors when she got a call and heard the words that probably made her cooze close up and dry up. The voice on the other end said, “Hi, it’s Donald Trump here.”
Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
Thanks to Calvin Klein, I know that models nowadays book jobs based on how many people follow them on Instagram. Although I wasn’t aware that there was a hiring practice in Hollywood where your chances of getting cast in a movie were higher if you included your social media stats on the back of your headshot. But apparently that’s a thing, and Emma Thompson isn’t happy about it.
The last Bridget Jones’ movie came out over 11 years ago, but because the “crying lonely tears on a log of raw cookie dough after a break-up” set will throw their money at a third movie, a third movie has been shot and the one-time master squinter formerly known as Squinty Zellweger debuted the first trailer on Ellen today. As anyone who has been following this shit knows, they threw out the plot of the third Bridget Jones book and did a new story based on the columns that author Helen Fielding wrote for The Independent in 2005.
In Bridget Jones’s Baby, Bridget is still an awkward klutz, but now she’s a 40-year-old awkward klutz who is knocked up with a Maury baby. Bridget doesn’t know if the dude who raw-dogged a baby into her womb is her ex-husband (yeah ex) Mark Darcy or a hot billionaire piece played by Patrick Dempsey. Bridget tells both of them that they’re the father and HIJINKS (including HIJINKS involving Dr. Emma Thompson) ensue! I know, Bridget Jones really needs a shameless gold digger friend in her life to advise her that she needs to tell Patrick Dempsey that he’s really the father, and if the baby comes out looking like Darcy in the face, take the baby on a long-visit to her mom’s house (read: take the baby to get back alley plastic surgery to look like Patrick Dempsey in the face). Heather Mills would’ve played the role of the gold digger friend flawlessly. What a missed opportunity!
And I’m really surprised that the UK hasn’t announced that they’re experiencing a Vaseline shortage, because it’s obvious that every jar was smeared on all of the camera lenses while making this.
I have many reasons to be jealous of Emma Thompson (complete lack of fucks, access to good booze), but today it’s her ability to remain so calm and collected around cake. Whenever I get near a slice of cake, I turn into Dario the Leonberger. Also what kind of cake is that? It looks delicious. (Note from Michael: Remind me to text Allison directions to her nearest LensCrafters, because she needs an emergency eye exam if she thinks that baked baby diarrhea cake looks good.)
But back to why we’re talking about cake. Britain will be holding a referendum soon-ish to decide whether or not they want to remain a member of the European Union. Of course, lots of famous Brits are being asked what they think of it. On Monday, Emma Thompson was asked about the possibility of Britain quitting the EU during a press conference in Berlin for her movie Alone in Berlin.
Good for her. I see Emma Thompson and I are both writing Babs Johnson’s name on the presidential ballot come November. As reported by London Live (via Vanity Fair), The Grand Duchess of DontGiveAFuck-stan (Exhibit A: that outfit) was attending the British Film Awards when she was asked about this year’s pale and tragic Oscar nominations. Q: How would you solve the lack of diversity at the Oscars, Em? A: Kill em’ all and let Bruce Vilanch sort it out!
“Let’s face it, the Oscar membership is mainly old, white men. That’s the fact of it. So, either you wait for them all to die,” said before jokingly offering up another option. “Or kill them off slowly—I mean, I don’t know. There’s so many options, aren’t there?”
There really are – bludgeoning, stabbing, shooting, riding lawn mower, wedgies…(no, for real)
Nanny McPhee’s got a point despite her newly admitted tendency towards sadism. “Slowly?” Yeesh.
Emma also described the whole controversy as “hilarious,” noting that “it’s no change there. It’s not as if [the Oscar nominations have] ever been awash with people of color.” Emma doesn’t just throw shoes, she throws truth!
Check out more pics of Emma Thompson at the press night for Guys and Dolls at the Savoy Theater in London last month in the gallery.