While watching E!’s awkward and messy red carpet coverage, I nearly put my bong away, because I got secondhand high, drunk and whatever from Matt LeBlanc. (But then I quickly clenched my bong like it was 9″ dick, because I remembered that I still had more Giuliana Rancid interviews to get through.)
The generic brand Ryan Seacrest (which is saying a lot since Ryan Seacrest is the generic brand Ryan Seacrest) called Jason Kennedy asked Matt LeBlanc some stupid questions on the Emmy red carpet and Joey Tribbiani was the opposite of thrilled to be there. But when Jason mentioned that Emilia Clarke, who plays that dragon chick on Game of Thrones, was with Giuliana at that very moment, he got a body boner and perked up. Emilia fangirled over Matt when they were on The Graham Norton Show together a few months ago.
Jason asked Matt if he watches GoT, and he went full creepy uncle when he said that he watched it the first season and stopped, but needs to catch up, because “that’s when she started getting naked.” I could practically hear his tip get moist when he said that. Matt IS that gross uncle who tells you that you’re really filling out and always tries to peck you on the mouth.
— Hollywood Reporter (@THR) September 18, 2016
Emilia laughed it off and said, “I’ve watched Friends. I don’t remember him getting naked, though.”
I blame Ryan Seacrest’s Sunday night understudy for this! If Jason Kennedy never asked Matt LeBlanc about GoT, I would not have the image of him going home tonight to watch GoT while fucking a dragon Fleshlight, and you know he’ll keep his Ray-Bans on. Damn you, SeacrestBot 2.0.
And here’s Emilia looking like a fancy condom and Giuliana looking like Miss Havisham’s mothball-covered curtains at the Emmys tonight.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Never has an accidental hand shadow looked so appropriate. And yes, I know that the fingers make it look like there’s two dicks. But when you’re desperate for television dick, you’ll take whatever weird shit you can get.
During a recent interview with Amy Schumer’s current favorite magazine, Glamour, Emilia Clarke – aka Daenerys Targaryen (aka The Blonde Dragon Lady for those who don’t watch Game of Thrones) secured herself a place in the hearts of Michael K and everyone else who wants to see more penis on TV. Glamour asked Emilia what story line she’d love to see happen on Game of Thrones. Thankfully, Emilia knows what people want: DICKS. Someone tell Amanda Peet’s husband to grab a pen and write this down, because it’s important.
“I want to see Daenerys and her three dragons share the throne. Eat goat they’ve barbecued. And bring back all the pretty boys, get them to take their trousers down, and be like, ‘I’m now the queen of everything! I’d like close-ups of all the boys’ penises, please.'”
For those of you furiously constructing a time machine so that you can go back and convince Emilia to write an episode where we see Jason Momoa’s dick before his character, Khal Drogo (SPOILERS) dies, you can stop. According to Emilia, her former TV husband’s dick is so glorious, the mere sight of it could trigger a nationwide Zoloft shortage. Yes, she spoke once again about his sock-covered penis.
“I saw his member, but it was covered in a pink fluffy sock. Showing it would make people feel bad. It’s too fabulous.”
As you can see from the picture above, there are plenty of asses on GoT to look at, and sometimes they show the odd dick. I don’t even care when they’re attached to a dude in a busted bathrobe, a TV dick is a dick. So obviously, I’m Team Give-Emilia-A-Script-And-Let-Her-Go-To-Town. I would also appreciate if Emilia could elaborate on that penis sock. She’s mentioned it twice now, and yet we know so little about it. Like, how big was the sock? Are we talking ankle or mid-calf? Who cares about whether Jon Snow is alive or not; we need to know more about Khal Drogo’s sock-covered junk!
Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).
Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:
1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.
2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.
But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).
And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.
Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.
Emilia Clarke, aka dragon enthusiast Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones, has been famous-ish for a while now and she recently admitted in an interview with Marie Claire UK that one of the things she’s learned about being famous-ish is that she won’t ever type the name EMILIA CLARKE into the Google search bar ever again. If you just guessed “Was it because of rude assholes?“, congratulations – you guessed right! Although you don’t win a prize, because that could be the answer to at least 2,396 of life’s questions.
“I remember when everything first kicked off, I Googled myself. You just do, it’s instinct. But never again. It just takes that one person who says ‘She’s a fat bitch’, and you’re like ‘I’m a fat bitch.'”
Emilia looks like she weighs about the same as an average family pack of Pop-Tarts, so I hope she hasn’t taken that random search result too seriously (I just pictured Emilia Clarke changing her Twitter bio to “Fat Bitch”). Besides, it was probably just the bitchy hisses from a disgruntled former dragon actor from GoT who is still bitter that they got fired for showing up drunk on dragon drank and acting a mess on set.
Emilia also talked about how she turned down the role of Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Bland Spanking, and no, it’s not because she knew that there would be a mountain of word shit waiting for her the next time she Googled her name.
“I really wanted to work with Sam Taylor-Johnson because she’s fucking amazing. But there is a huge amount of nudity in the film. I’ll never say, ‘I’m never doing nudity’ because I’ve already done it, but I thought I might get stuck in a pigeonhole that I would have struggled to get out of.”
“Ooh, that’s good. Can I use that one?” thought Dakota Johnson, as she prepared her list of excuses for why she can’t do the third Fifty Shades movie.
Page Six says that the Duke of Douches, James Franco, might be rubbing his nipples all over the Mother of Dragons, Emilia Clarke, from Game of Thrones. I wonder how Emilia Clarke feels about doing a dude whose lip liner game beats hers? And I wonder how James Franco feels about doing a chick whose eyebrow situation beats his? When James isn’t painting an abstract on Emilia’s crotch with his paint brush peen, she can help him to elevate his eyebrow game and he can help her to elevate her lip liner game.
Some witness type says that James and Emilia got all close at the Frieze art fair on Randalls Island in Manhattan on Saturday afternoon. The witness says that they were talking and flirting and “were looking quite friendly!”
Emilia Clarke’s last fuck buddy was Seth MacFarlane, so I’m sensing a theme here… Either the number one item on Emilia’s cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on the biggest douches in Hollywood or the number one item on Emilia’s cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on every past Oscar host. Whoopi Goldberg, lube up, bitch, because you could be next!