Taron Egerton is on the cover of British GQ and he is talking all about his new Elton John biopic, Rocketman. Namely: how gaaaaaaaaaaay it is going to be and how he’s excited about all the homosexual flamboyance the film will be exuding in theaters this May. Put on your protective glasses because the glitter and rhinestones are going to positively leap at you from the big screens.
Because I’m a yokel from the suburbs of Boston, I was dead chuffed when I was drinking at The Beverly Hills Hotel one afternoon and Courteney Cox, Rachel Zoe, and that guy from Fear The Walking Dead were all wandering around. Monica Geller-Bing read a bar appetizer menu two stools over from me! As pathetic as that sounds, now I wish I hadn’t. Because the Sultan of Brunei owns the hotel, Brunei has recently ok’d punishing homosexual behavior by stoning the “guilty” to death, and George Clooney is now leading a boycott against all of the luxury hotels owned by the Sultan. George Clooney is totally running for president one day and “leading a boycott against a gay-hating Sultan” is a great thing to have on your resume when you want to be the future bleeding heart liberal POTUS. Well, that and “Nespresso machines for all!!!”
It’s already off to the damn races for the 2020 Oscars, and Elton John helped Taron Egerton launch his campaign to become Rami Malek 2.0 last night. Elton always throws a big Oscars bash since it’s his annual big dick contest with Madonna and her own Oscars bash. Taron, who is playing Elton in the upcoming Rocketman, actually sang “Tiny Dancer” at Elton’s party, and El was more than happy to oblige since Madge and Gaga’s publicity stunt couldn’t DARE be the news of the night.
If your kink is the buff dude from the Kingsman movies giving you a “Prince William circa 2010” hairline, freshly-Nair’d gams, Phoebe Price sunglasses, and knock-off Doc Martens that you’d wear to a Rocketeer-themed rave, then close the door, turn down the lights, light a candle, and grab the Jergens.
There’s been paparazzi pictures of 28-year-old Taron Egerton slathered in Elton John drag to play Madonna’s biggest fan while shooting the biopic Rocketman, but Paramount has released the first official picture of Taron as a young Elton. Taron also tweeted the pic and said that even though Rocketman doesn’t come out until May 2019 (and that’s a million years away and by then we could all be on Mars after stowaway-ing on a NASA rocket out of this dumpster fire), the first trailer is coming out on Monday.
Can’t wait for you all to see the trailer Monday. Words cannot describe how proud and excited I am.
Rocketman follows young Elton from his years at the Royal Academy of Music to the 70s. It also stars Bryce Dallas Howard, Richard Madden, Jamie Bell, and Gemma Jones.
I know that Taron plays young Elton and I sort of see it, but I cannot give my for-real opinion until I see him working a replica of the diamond cock ring that Eminem bought Elton. Do it for your art, Taron!
Outside of Buckingham Palace right now, THE QUEEN has tossed her crown inside and pulled out a matchbook as her minions pour gasoline all around that joint. THE QUEEN will then light the match, throw it at that bitch, and as it burns down, she’ll strut away from her former royal life and into her new life as a commoner Corgi farmer in the countryside. Because the monarchy is close to being a thing of the past thanks to Duchess Meghan continually dropping a treasonous shit on royal protocol.
Meghan has already made the ghosts of past royals queef out a dusty cloud of outrage by baring her American hussy trollop shoulders at an event, getting into a car before THE QUEEN, crossing her legs, and brushing Prince Hot Ginge’s freckled paw at work. And now The Daily Mail has more proof that Meghan is probably a secret agent for Morrissey who is bringing down the royal family from the inside. PHG and “royal aides” are not amused with Meghan always wearing pants.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.