Category: Elton John

Eminem Bought Elton John A Diamond Cock Ring

December 3, 2017 / Posted by:

During a recent appearance on The Graham Norton Show, gay mafia granddaddy Elton John revealed that Eminem gave him and his husband David Furnish diamond cock rings as wedding presents! Rather than being a revealing insight into Eminem’s private life or societal views, this actually just fills me with jealousy. Not one person got me a diamond cock ring when I got married. It wasn’t even a gift at the wedding shower. Am I not worthy of that sort of luxury? Continue reading

Elton John Has Been Hit With A Sexual Harassment Lawsuit From His Ex-Security Guard

March 29, 2016 / Posted by:

The bald dude next to Elton John is his former bodyguard Jeffrey Wenninger who is suing Vladimir Putin’s favorite gay (in his head) for allegedly putting his paws in places they shouldn’t have gone. Jeffrey has hit Elton with a sexual harassment lawsuit, and claims that during the 12 years he worked for Elton, he was groped many times, but it got “more frequent and intense” after the 2010. Warning: Before you read anymore, schedule a session with a hypnotist, because you will want them to use their powers to hypnotize the images from this story out of your head.

The Wrap says that in Jeffrey’s lawsuit, he specifically states three separate instances that allegedly happened in 2014. In March 2014, Jeffrey claims that he was riding in the back of a car with Elton, when he alleges that Rocket Perv grabbed at his down low parts and got into his pants. Jeffrey says that Elton “tried to force his fingers between Plaintiff’s buttock cheeks” and attempted “to grab Plaintiff’s genitals both over and under his clothing.” While Elton was allegedly earning the nickname Elton the Molester, he told Jeffrey to “get your todger out” and “say hello to Uncle Elton.”

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Elton John Isn’t Here For Janet Jackson’s Alleged Pretend Singing

February 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Elton John is turning 69 years old next month. I’ve always felt that if you’re lucky enough to reach your sexiest year, you should reward yourself by doing the bare minimum required. Elton John could be wheeled onto the stage on a rolling chair like Mimi with a boombox blasting “Crocodile Rock” and I’d say, “He’s earned that, he’s 69.” But that’s apparently not going to happen, because Elton isn’t interested in saying, “Fuck it,” to effort just yet. And he’s definitely not interested in watching performers who do.

Elton made it known that he does not play with people who fake their vocals when he accused Madonna of lip syncing back in the day. After calling Madonna a “fairground stripper,” the two kissed and made up…for now. I guess he needed a new person to hiss at, because now he’s coming for Janet Jackson. During a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Elton John took a swipe at Miss Jackson by accusing her performance vocals of being about as real as [insert the Jackson joke of your choice here].

“You know, fucking music magazines writing a review of Janet Jackson saying, ‘This is the greatest show – four and a half stars.’ It’s fucking lip-synced! Hello! That’s not a show! I’d rather go and see a drag queen. Fuck off.”

To be honest, I too would rather spend my pennies on a drag queen version of Janet Jackson. But that’s mostly because I really really want to see Coco Montrese’s perfect paint-by-numbers Janet nose in person.

I know Elton is all about integrity or whatever, but I think he’d probably really like lip syncing. Elton is a showman at heart, and if Britney Spears has taught us anything, it’s that lip syncing allows you to concentrate on the more important aspects of performing. Like armography. And yes, I know armography would technically prevent him from playing the piano, but do you want to put on a show or not, Elton? Speaking of artistry, here’s Elton and his husband David Furnish, who is teaching an expert-level class in how to work the hell out of a cute lil’ neckerchief.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Bitch Got Pranked: The Elton John Edition

September 17, 2015 / Posted by:

When Elton John recently said, “Yeah, I TOTALLY talked to Putin about gay rights in Russia,” Putie Tang responded with, “кто.” (Rosetta Stone’s drunk, dyslexic second cousin Google Translate tell me that’s “who?” in Russian.)

Three days ago, Elton posted an Instagram post where he thanked President Vladimir Putin for calling him on the phone to talk about the awfulness that’s happening to the LGBT community in Russia. The Kremlin sharted up a thousand question marks over Elton’s Instagram post and they denied that Elton talked to the President of Russia. I figured that Crank Yankers was about to launch in Russia and Elton was their first victim. I was right, sort of.

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Sad Story Time: Elton John’s Estranged Mother Has Become Friends With A Lookalike Of Her Son

July 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Elton John and his 90-year-old mother Sheila Farebrother (that’s a hot last name, by the way) haven’t said a word to each other in over 7 years. Sheila told The Daily Mail a few months ago that Elton stopped talking to her after he demanded that she cut off two of his ex-employees she had become friends with and she refused. Sheila thinks that Elton’s husband David Furnish controls him and is part of the reason why she has no relationship with him. Elton hasn’t completely cut Sheila off. He still pays her bills. Sheila turned 90 back in March and she invited Elton. After he turned down her invitation, she hired an Elton John impersonator to fill the void. That is sadness wrapped in creepiness. (Side note: Please tell me that impersonator had a gig afterward where he had to play Donald Trump and that’s the reason why he’s wearing that dog butt wig.)

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Madonna Is Not Living For The Shit That Dolce & Gabbana Said About IVF

March 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Believe it or not, that isn’t another picture of Madonna bonding with Justin Bieber backstage at Ellen. This is a picture from the Dolce & Gabbana ad campaign that Madge was the face of a few years ago. Madge has whored it out for Dolce & Gabbana for years and I remember her being one of the first famous people to wear them. They did her costumes for the Girlie Show and she’s been one of their biggest hos ever since. But well, she has stopped blowing air kisses at them for a minute to slap them down for saying that kids born via IVF should have a label on their backs that reads “100% Synthetic!

Elton John started the #BoycottDolceGabbana campaign when D&G said that babies born via IVF are “chemical babies” and synthetic. Over the past few days, D&G have tried to “clarify” what they said. Elton is still mad and is still boycotting their asses (but not boycotting their shopping bags). Madge threw in her thoughts on Instagram yesterday and yanked at D&G’s cape while doing so:

All babies contain a soul however they come to this earth and their families. There is nothing synthetic about a soul!! So how can we dismiss IVF and surrogacy? Every soul comes to us to teach us a lesson. God has his hand in everything even technology! We are arrogant to think Man does anything on his own. As above so below! Think before you speak.,,,,,,,,,,

“Think before you speak…” Something something pot something something kettle.

It’s pretty shocking that I’m not typing this post on a half-broken, dust-covered laptop that’s being powered by my chihuahua running on a wheel. (HA! I say that like he’d actually consider doing a physical activity that doesn’t involve eating Snausages.) I mean, I could have sworn that there’s a scripture in the bible about how civilization will crumble the minute that Madge and her arch rival Elton John agree on something. How did the apocalypse not happen as soon as she agreed with Elton? When Madge’s ass hit the stage at the Brit Awards, the world probably turned upside down and we’re now living in a bizarro world where stranger-than-life things like this happen.

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