Outside of Buckingham Palace right now, THE QUEEN has tossed her crown inside and pulled out a matchbook as her minions pour gasoline all around that joint. THE QUEEN will then light the match, throw it at that bitch, and as it burns down, she’ll strut away from her former royal life and into her new life as a commoner Corgi farmer in the countryside. Because the monarchy is close to being a thing of the past thanks to Duchess Meghan continually dropping a treasonous shit on royal protocol.
Meghan has already made the ghosts of past royals queef out a dusty cloud of outrage by baring her American hussy trollop shoulders at an event, getting into a car before THE QUEEN, crossing her legs, and brushing Prince Hot Ginge’s freckled paw at work. And now The Daily Mail has more proof that Meghan is probably a secret agent for Morrissey who is bringing down the royal family from the inside. PHG and “royal aides” are not amused with Meghan always wearing pants.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
Rod Stewart and Cyndi Lauper were on Watch What Happens Live yesterday to talk about their summer tour. Rod, who is three years older than Elton John, was asked how he felt about Elton’s announcement that he was officially retiring from touring. Rod says he sent Elton a sarcastic email asking: “What, again dear?“, which Elton reportedly didn’t respond to. Rod says he’s never talked about retiring, but that if he did, he certainly wouldn’t announce it like a certain bespectacled singer whose retirement motivations were solely for money-making purposes.
“If I do retire, I won’t make an announcement, I’ll just fade away. I don’t think this big deal – ‘Oh, I’m going to retire’ – it stinks of selling tickets…It’s dishonest, it’s not rock n’ roll.”
Elton might not have done it for the money, but he definitely isn’t walking away with nothing. I have a massive Elton John fan in my life, and I tried to get tickets to his Farewell Yellow Brick Road tour. Not only did it sell out in 0.000005 seconds, but resale tickets were starting at $1500. I don’t have that kind of money, so the closest we’ll be getting to Elton is me sticking a raisin between my front teeth to lip sync to Rocket Man.
Rod can’t compare himself to Elton. Elton wants to retire from touring, and Rod can’t until he’s completed his life’s only mission: to tour the world asking every horny, screaming middle-aged woman if they think he’s sexy. Eventually there won’t be a single woman left. Then, and only then, can he fade away.
Pic: Bravo via YouTube
Ellen DeGeneres was asked about coming out in both real life and on her ABC sitcom, Ellen, during an appearance on Dax Shepard’s podcast Armchair Expert (via People). Crouching down on the cover of TIME magazine and declaring, “Yep, I’m Gay” while her character Ellen Morgan came out as a lesbian to Laura Dern didn’t exactly work for everyone, like Elton John. One would have thought that always cheery Elton John would have been waiting on the other side of that coming out announcement with pink champagne and balloons, but according to Ellen, that’s not at all what happened.
No, not anal beads…unless Eminem threw them at him!
Someone at an Elton John concert on Wednesday night didn’t get the memo that Mardi Gras, because someone hurled beads at his face. TMZ says Elton had invited the front row at his Wednesday night performance for his Million Dollar Piano residency at Caesars Palace. You can see at the 5-second mark how the toss happens during “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting.” The beads whack him in the kisser, and Elton recoils in the same disgusted look of shock that I had the time I accidentally found my brother’s stash of Playboys (fine, it wasn’t an accident…I had heard he had them and Burt Reynolds was in one showing that sexy weasel of a mustache). See? This is why we can’t have nice things.
The whole toss fiasco clearly spooked Elton, as he stopped to check his mouth and make sure nothing had been done. The band kept playing, and you could tell Elton was figuring out if he was going to take the microphone and, to the tune of “Rocket Man,” fist whoever chucked ‘dem beads. After 35 seconds of hemming and hawing, he fired back up again. Alas, he probably remembered he only has 300 performances left with these peasants before he’s spending his afternoons sipping Pimm’s Cups poolside with Elizabeth Hurley.
The gay mafia is frantically searching today for a new Debbie Corleone (who are we kidding? RuPaul has a lock on it), as Elton John made a surprising retirement announcement in New York on Wednesday. Before you start to shed tears of sequins, he’s going out at Cher-levels length with a three-year, 300-date tour, per the press conference. Of course, Elton couldn’t have an announcement without shading a diva. Continue reading