No, not anal beads…unless Eminem threw them at him!
Someone at an Elton John concert on Wednesday night didn’t get the memo that Mardi Gras, because someone hurled beads at his face. TMZ says Elton had invited the front row at his Wednesday night performance for his Million Dollar Piano residency at Caesars Palace. You can see at the 5-second mark how the toss happens during “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting.” The beads whack him in the kisser, and Elton recoils in the same disgusted look of shock that I had the time I accidentally found my brother’s stash of Playboys (fine, it wasn’t an accident…I had heard he had them and Burt Reynolds was in one showing that sexy weasel of a mustache). See? This is why we can’t have nice things.
The whole toss fiasco clearly spooked Elton, as he stopped to check his mouth and make sure nothing had been done. The band kept playing, and you could tell Elton was figuring out if he was going to take the microphone and, to the tune of “Rocket Man,” fist whoever chucked ‘dem beads. After 35 seconds of hemming and hawing, he fired back up again. Alas, he probably remembered he only has 300 performances left with these peasants before he’s spending his afternoons sipping Pimm’s Cups poolside with Elizabeth Hurley.
The gay mafia is frantically searching today for a new Debbie Corleone (who are we kidding? RuPaul has a lock on it), as Elton John made a surprising retirement announcement in New York on Wednesday. Before you start to shed tears of sequins, he’s going out at Cher-levels length with a three-year, 300-date tour, per the press conference. Of course, Elton couldn’t have an announcement without shading a diva. Continue reading
During a recent appearance on The Graham Norton Show, gay mafia granddaddy Elton John revealed that Eminem gave him and his husband David Furnish diamond cock rings as wedding presents! Rather than being a revealing insight into Eminem’s private life or societal views, this actually just fills me with jealousy. Not one person got me a diamond cock ring when I got married. It wasn’t even a gift at the wedding shower. Am I not worthy of that sort of luxury? Continue reading
The bald dude next to Elton John is his former bodyguard Jeffrey Wenninger who is suing Vladimir Putin’s favorite gay (in his head) for allegedly putting his paws in places they shouldn’t have gone. Jeffrey has hit Elton with a sexual harassment lawsuit, and claims that during the 12 years he worked for Elton, he was groped many times, but it got “more frequent and intense” after the 2010. Warning: Before you read anymore, schedule a session with a hypnotist, because you will want them to use their powers to hypnotize the images from this story out of your head.
The Wrap says that in Jeffrey’s lawsuit, he specifically states three separate instances that allegedly happened in 2014. In March 2014, Jeffrey claims that he was riding in the back of a car with Elton, when he alleges that Rocket Perv grabbed at his down low parts and got into his pants. Jeffrey says that Elton “tried to force his fingers between Plaintiff’s buttock cheeks” and attempted “to grab Plaintiff’s genitals both over and under his clothing.” While Elton was allegedly earning the nickname Elton the Molester, he told Jeffrey to “get your todger out” and “say hello to Uncle Elton.”
Elton John is turning 69 years old next month. I’ve always felt that if you’re lucky enough to reach your sexiest year, you should reward yourself by doing the bare minimum required. Elton John could be wheeled onto the stage on a rolling chair like Mimi with a boombox blasting “Crocodile Rock” and I’d say, “He’s earned that, he’s 69.” But that’s apparently not going to happen, because Elton isn’t interested in saying, “Fuck it,” to effort just yet. And he’s definitely not interested in watching performers who do.
Elton made it known that he does not play with people who fake their vocals when he accused Madonna of lip syncing back in the day. After calling Madonna a “fairground stripper,” the two kissed and made up…for now. I guess he needed a new person to hiss at, because now he’s coming for Janet Jackson. During a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Elton John took a swipe at Miss Jackson by accusing her performance vocals of being about as real as [insert the Jackson joke of your choice here].
“You know, fucking music magazines writing a review of Janet Jackson saying, ‘This is the greatest show – four and a half stars.’ It’s fucking lip-synced! Hello! That’s not a show! I’d rather go and see a drag queen. Fuck off.”
To be honest, I too would rather spend my pennies on a drag queen version of Janet Jackson. But that’s mostly because I really really want to see Coco Montrese’s perfect paint-by-numbers Janet nose in person.
I know Elton is all about integrity or whatever, but I think he’d probably really like lip syncing. Elton is a showman at heart, and if Britney Spears has taught us anything, it’s that lip syncing allows you to concentrate on the more important aspects of performing. Like armography. And yes, I know armography would technically prevent him from playing the piano, but do you want to put on a show or not, Elton? Speaking of artistry, here’s Elton and his husband David Furnish, who is teaching an expert-level class in how to work the hell out of a cute lil’ neckerchief.
When Elton John recently said, “Yeah, I TOTALLY talked to Putin about gay rights in Russia,” Putie Tang responded with, “кто.” (Rosetta Stone’s drunk, dyslexic second cousin Google Translate tell me that’s “who?” in Russian.)
Three days ago, Elton posted an Instagram post where he thanked President Vladimir Putin for calling him on the phone to talk about the awfulness that’s happening to the LGBT community in Russia. The Kremlin sharted up a thousand question marks over Elton’s Instagram post and they denied that Elton talked to the President of Russia. I figured that Crank Yankers was about to launch in Russia and Elton was their first victim. I was right, sort of.