The always reliable CelebrityNetWorth.com claims Chris Hemsworth is worth this much:
When I look at that number, I curse at the Gods for not making me be born into Elsa Pataky. Because not only did she get to take a ride on one of my favorite panty creamers Adrien Brody’s glorious nose while screaming, “Give me the sneeze, snot up all in this, bitch,” in a damn castle, but she currently gets to scrub her genitals on Thor’s mega washboard abs as money falls out of his ass. But when Chris Hemsworth looks at that number, he gags as though his team of personal trainers just told him that his body fat went from 0% to 0.1%. Millionaire movie stars are just like us: they too get grossed out while looking at their bank account balance.
Apparently all eyes were on Angelina Jolie on Golden Globes night. If you weren’t sneaking a quick glance to detect if a pair of devil horns popped up through her hair when Jennifer Aniston walked out on stage, you might have been staring at her table buddy. Angelina Jolie was seated next to Chris Hemsworth. Angelina and Chris hadn’t appeared in a movie together, and Chris’ wife Elsa Pataky was nowhere to be seen. Chris was on Ellen yesterday and Ellen DeGeneres said that people made a “thing” out of him sitting next to Angelina. Chris says it’s not a thing.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day recently said that Chris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky were “Hollywood’s next big split.” Woman’s Day claimed that Chris and Elsa were “taking a break” from their nearly 6 year marriage. It no doubt had the people of Australia clutching their koalas and gasping “NO! Not our beloved Hacky!” Everyone can relax, because Chris Hemsworth has announced that the rumor is as real as Thor’s ponytail.
Chris slapped at Woman’s Day by posting this picture of himself and Elsa cruising around on a boat to Instagram.
A few hours later, Elsa joined in by Instagramming a picture of herself snuggled up to her husband with the caption: “Ahora y siempre! Always and forever!”
Chris and Elsa got married after a few months of dating, and have made three kids together. They’re also both Hollywood actors, which makes them prime targets for 2016’s celebrity relationship curse. “Yes, that would be just awful” deadpanned everyone who has ever dreamed of getting with Thor.
Women’s Day claimed they heard that split talk from a “close friend” of Chris and Elsa’s. Either that close friend is right and Chris and Elsa’s relationship is hanging on by a thread, or they’re spreading lies because they’re secretly jealous that their friend Elsa gets to fall asleep every night next to that buff bag of hotness. If it’s the second one, that “friend” should be ashamed of themselves. A true friend is happy when their friend lands a hot-in-the-face hunk.
Charlize Theron Worked Some Elegant Exterminator Couture At The Premiere Of “The Hunstman: Winter’s War”
The Los Angeles premiere of The Hunstman: Two Angry Queens (or Winter’s War, whatever) happened at Westwood Village Theatre last night, and Charlize Theron decided to remind everyone that she used to get nothing but trash roles by strutting onto the red carpet covered in bugs. Obviously that’s a reach; I doubt that’s the reason why Charlize is covered in bugs. In all seriousness, it’s probably because it takes a year’s worth of hot showers to fully remove Sean Penn’s dirty wiener stink from your body.
Red carpets are usually a boring mess, so I appreciate that Charlize wore a dress with a bunch of sequined insects crawling around on a piece of cheap nude illusion fabric. There’s no rhyme or reason to those bugs either; it looks like they’re all searching for the exit. Those bugs don’t want to be at the premiere of The Huntsman 2, they want to be at the In-N-Out behind the Westwood, making bug babies on an uneaten pile of double-doubles in the dumpster.
At the very least, they don’t want to accidentally run into the crazy marker-huffing hillbilly chiggers that may have hitched a ride on Miley Cyrus. Miley was apparently there with her two-time-fiance Liam Hemsworth, but they decided to keep a low profile and skipped out before the lights came on.
Here’s more of Charlize at The Hunstman: Winter’s War last night, as well as everyone else who was there. Like Jessica Chastain, who is wearing a dress that looks heavier than the shit they put you in at the dentist to make sure the X-rays don’t liquefy your insides. And Emily Blunt, who is still very pregnant. Also included, Chris Hemsworth, whose rock-hard Thor thighs are 0.3 seconds from busting the side-seams of his pants (I don’t mind). Also, for some reason, Faye Dunaway was there? Although she doesn’t really need a reason, since Faye Dunaway is a legend and can walk any red carpet she damn well pleases.
That looks is supposed to be “starving seaman stranded in the ocean” but it’s more “tweaker after a meth lab explosion.”
When Chris Hemsworth was in the middle of shooting that Moby Dick movie In The Heart Of The Sea (Side note: Moby’s Dick – In The Heart of My V would sort of be a good name for a straight porn parody), he said that he was on a crazy diet to lose some muscle. You know, because when you’re stranded at sea and there’s no Pret a Manger or 24 Hour Fitness around you, you’d probably get skinnier than a shrimp’s dick.
“We couldn’t go away for a month and get skinny, we had to do it while we were shooting. At one point, a day’s rations were a boiled egg, a couple of crackers and a celery stick. I reckon about 90% of our conversations were about our favourite foods and what we would eat when we finished the film.
I was skinnier than ever before, but at least we were losing weight together – the bond we formed was incredible. It reminded me of being on a football team growing up, where you’d do anything for each other. You don’t often get that on set.”
Yeah, that bond sounds real incredible. It was a bond built on lies! They may have felt like they were in it together or something, but they were all lying to each other. Because if one of them was 100% honest, they’d say, “Fuck this shit, we’re not winning any Oscars. My friend on The Revenant set said that Leonardo gets raped by a bear. I’m out. I’m going to Chipolte.”
And here’s Thor and his wife Elsa Pataky at the Spanish premiere of In The Heart Of The Sea in Madrid today.
Liam Hemsworth and Luke Hemsworth showed up to the L.A. premiere of Vacation (aka that reboot where Marky Mark’s rubber dick from Boogie Nights makes its triumphant return on Thor’s crotch) yesterday to support their middle brother Chris Hemsworth. What’s the equivalent of Maury in Australia? Whatever it is, Luke should go on it, because I’d bet that he was the product of his mom’s affair with a miniature Mark Hamill impersonator.
If we played a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill with the Hemsworth brothers, it’d be easy for me. I’d fuck Luke Hemsworth. I’d marry Chris Hemsworth, because then I’d get sexing from him more than once. (“Ha, like married people fuck.” – you “Good point.” – you) And I wouldn’t have to kill Liam Hemsworth. He’d throw himself into a fire as soon as I flashed my b-hole at him.
Here’s more of the Hemsworth brothers last night. I guess Luke didn’t get the memo that they were all supposed to dress like Wall Street bankers unwinding at happy hour after a long day.