Sad news for Colin Firth. His Bridget Jones co-star Hugh Grant might be too busy to be an effective scandal coach because he’s probably elbow deep in infant poop right about now. Wait, who are we kidding? Hugh’s probably never changed an infant’s diaper in his life (though I wouldn’t put a little adult diaper play past him). Whatever his job at the baby factory is (he might have a “batter chef” only clause, who knows), Hugh’s fifth child has been born and we have Elizabeth Hurley’s big mouth to thank for breaking the news, according to UsWeekly.
Bill Clinton Wet Humped On Elizabeth Hurley, So Says Tom Sizemore (UPDATE: Tom Sizemore Made It All Up )
UPDATE: Tom Sizemore admits to HuffPo that he’s never met Bill Clinton and was most likely high out of his mind when he told that fake story. Tom says the tape is really old and the story is not true. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton probably DM’d Elizabeth Hurley on Twitter and asked, “Care to make it true? I’ll bring the cigars.”
Noted lady beater and meth head Tom Sizemore tells Radar and the Globe (THE GLOBE!!!) that all the way back in 1998, he set President Slick Willy up with Elizabeth Hurley and the two boned on each other for a full year in the White House. Bill Clinton has always been a slut, so I totally believe that he strengthened American and British relations by fucking Elizabeth Hurley, but this is coming from Tom Sizemore. Tom Sizemore is about as reliable as my gossiping tia who for years swore to me that her burgundy hair was natural.
Radar says that in a joint investigation with the Globe, they UNEARTHED a recording from January of Tom Sizemore talking about how he hooked President Clinton up with Liz Hurley in one night. They call it a “joint investigation,” because they gave Tom Sizemore 20 joints in exchange for the UNEARTHED recording he probably recorded by himself in the bathroom five minutes beforehand. In the recording, Tom says that during a screening of Saving Private Ryan at the White House in 1998, Bill Clinton took him aside and asked him if he still talked to Liz Hurley. (Tom Sizemore and Liz Hurley dated for a few years.) Tom Sizemore goes on to spit out more meth-infused details and the dialogue is a mess.
When Sizemore confirmed they had dated but were no longer together, he says the President asked for her number.
Stunned at the suggestion, Sizemore admitted to being somewhat hesitant to dole out the digits, but claims Clinton insisted: “Give it to me. You dumb motherfucker, I’m the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. The buck stops here. Give me the damn number.”
The actor obliged, but before dialing, he says the President was already covering his tracks, thinking of his oblivious and long-suffering wife Hillary in the other room.
“[Clinton] said, ‘I’m going to say I asked you about your uncle, Ted Sizemore, who played professional baseball,” Sizemore recalls. “That’s the lie. Don’t forget it.’”
Then, Sizemore recounts, Clinton dialed, wasting no time in getting down to dirty business with the stunning brunette, now 48.
“Elizabeth, this is your Commander-in-Chief,” Clinton said to the actress, who played Vanessa Kensington in the 1997 hit Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.
And though Hurley at first thought it was a joke, she played coy, but the President wouldn’t take no for an answer!
Clinton said, “Listen Elizabeth, this is the President!” Sizemore recalls. “‘I don’t have any time for this shit. I‘m keeping the world from nuclear war all the time. I’m sending a plane to pick you up.”
Hours later, he claims, Hurley was at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
“While we’re at the reception, I see her,” Sizemore reveals, but then she disappeared through a door, trailed by a Secret Service agent.
As she disappeared into a room with the President, Sizemore charges, “Bill turns to me and he goes, ‘I owe you one.’”
As to what happened after that, Sizemore declares on the tape: “What do you think? She was there for four days. He fucked her that night.”
Tom adds that Bill and Liz did it for a year, but he broke it off with her, because he was falling in love with her and he “doesn’t do love.” Liz Hurley said that the story is “ludicrous” and claims the lawyers are handling it.
If anybody but Tom Sizemore told that story, I’d one hundred percent believe it. But when Tom Sizemore opens his mouth, either barf, lies or a little of both are going to fall out. A talking crack house rat probably told Tom that story while he smoked crack out of a light bulb. You know, if the talking crack house rat directly told the Globe that story, I’d believe it was true.
I mean, that dialogue. That dialogue sounds like it was written by the worst porn writer in the San Fernando Valley. Wait, since I put it that way, maybe Tom is telling the truth. Because I totally believe that when Bill Clinton’s talking about ass, he sounds like he’s in the most poorly written porn ever.
Elizabeth Hurley’s marriage to that hot Indian billionaire completely died (like Hugh Grant’s boner in Divine Brown’s mouth after the police shined a light on his face) last year when the News of the World (RIP!) published pictures of her licking on a tongue belonging to Australian pricket (typo and it stays) player and kitty-faced Shane Warne. Shane was also married at the time, but just like Elizabeth, he said he and his wife had been separated for months. Elizabeth and Shane started face humping the fillers out of each other full-time and ten months later their asses are engaged to be married! Because that mess worked so well the first time. Elizabeth and Shane are now the overseas LeAnn and Eddie! Which is sort of fitting since if I kiss this bong again and squint my eyes, Shane looks like he was cut from the same piece of Falcor’s taint as LeAnn.
The Daily Mail says that Shane slipped a sapphire and diamond ring (see below) on Elizabeth’s finger at some restaurant in St. Andrews, Scotland last night after the Alfred Dunhill Championship. A source who witnessed Elizabeth and Shane getting pre-pre-divorced said this about the proposal:
“Shane proposed over dinner and it was fairly public, not a private affair.
It was a VIP crowd in there this evening. It was residents only, including Dunhill past players. He didn’t get down on one knee, but when it was announced the other guests in the restaurant stood up and applauded. Everyone there was absolutely delighted.”
But the guests only applauded to hide the sound of the simultaneous queef they all let out over this news. And I’m sure that simultaneous queef lasted longer than Elizabeth’s marriage to Shane will! No. I’m sure this one will stick. You know what they say (they don’t say this). A marriage to a hot Indian billionaire never works, but a marriage to a dude that looks like a retired Thundercat who suffers from chronic menopause sweats will last forever!
The News of the World has published what they say are ESCANDALOSO pictures (you have to pay to see that mess, so fuckit) of married Elizabeth Hurley rubbing her mouth all over the mouth of a dude who isn’t her husband. The NOTW claims that Elizabeth’s wayward snatch has skipped on over to the peen of Australian cricketer Shane Warne and that the two were together as recently as this past Wednesday.
Not a great day. For the record, my husband Arun & I separated a few months ago. Our close family & friends were aware of this.
about 4 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
Elizabeth started spreading her chest dumpling all over Arun in 2002 and they got married in 2007.
Below are pictures of Shane taking his swollen cricket out for a little swim while vacationing with his ex-wife and kids in Fiji three years ago. Yes, Elizabeth has moved on from the Indian Julio Iglesias with that. Possible gold digger fail alert.
I mean, Arun looks like he cums rose-scented hundred dollars bills, but maybe Shane really has the shit that makes Elizabeth’s chocha chirp. Who knows. But I do know that Arun better get revenge by humping on Divine Brown in a car parked on Sunset Blvd.