Before Nomi Malone brought us elegance, dignity and LBDs from Ver-sayce, Jessie Spano brought us hair sponsored by Aussie Sprunch Spray, the dangers of caffeine pills and everything that was wrong with fashion in the early 90’s. Elizabeth Berkley shat on her Saved by the Bell wardrobe on Bethany Frankel’s show (via US Weekly) because it made her feel like a dumpy butt plain Jane.
“I didn’t like it because I felt like as a young woman, just because you are a feminist, why can’t you also dress in things that make you feel girly and empowered,” Berkley told Frankel.
The talk show host agreed, noting, “And Tiffani [Thiessen] used to always get to wear all kinds of . . .”
“Right the bikinis,” Berkley interjected about her costar who played head cheerleader Kelly Kapowski. “They used to put me in a one piece. I’m sorry, but at 16 you don’t want to be the girl in the one piece with baggy shorts.”
After some extensive research (four Google searches), I have to agree with her on the clothes thing. Even AC Slater had sexier outfits than Jessie; he at least got to show some thigh. The 90’s were the fucking worst for clothes when you had to be modest. All I wanted were some Jordache jeans that required a wrench to pull the zipper all the way up or one of those Wet Seal outfits with the shorty shorts with the ruffle at the bottom that matched the pattern of the shirt, but my mom went to the Jessie Spano School of How To Dress Like A Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebie, thus solidifying my place at the bottom of the social ladder in junior high.
“Nobody puts a one piece on Jessie Spano” is the new “nobody puts baby in the corner” because Elizabeth clearly balled up all that resentment from being second best and used it to bring us one of the best cinematic examples of feminism of all time (if you use a really generous sliding scale, squint your eyes, watch it on mute and use the Miley Cyrus definition of the word): Showgirls! Nothing makes a lady feel more empowered and girlie than throwing on a pretty dress or a strappy, titty-baring dominatrix outfit and pulling off a well-choreographed dance number.
On the sequins-covered 35 car pile-up that is Dancing with the Has-Beens last night, contestants did a dance inspired by a memorable year in their life. Obviously we know that the MOST memorable time in Elizabeth Berkley’s life was the time she made cinema’s answer to the Bible, SHOWGIRLS, but she’s still in denial and hopefully a therapist will help her see the light soon. So she said that next to having her son, doing Saved By The Bell was the most memorable time in her life, so she paid tribute to that time by recreating the legendary caffeine pill meltdown.
YAASS! You know, Jessie Spano and the humanized Ukrainian Chick-O-Stick Val Chmerkovskiy really brought something new to “I’m So Excited” and made me realize what the original scene was missing. The “I’m So Excited” scene from Saved By The Bell would’ve won several honorary Emmys if Zack Morris did the entire scene without a shirt on…like Val did!
Since Elizabeth Berkley is paying tribute to important moments in her career. I fully expect her to recreate the flopping dolphin scene from Showgirls. I will never be able to look her in the face again if she doesn’t.
And here’s my second favorite dance of the night. Leah Remini said that this past year has been the most memorable year in her life, because she’s made a big change by deciding that she’s not going to be told what to do anymore. (Translation: Bitch quit Scientology.) Leah played a puppet who breaks free from her puppeteer.
What a mess. I love it. But I would’ve loved it more if Tony Dovolani wore an alien mask. And John Travolta doesn’t know whether to hiss at this or kiss it all over. On one hand, Leah is calling out Scientology. On the other hand, John Travolta can’t say no to an on-stage costume change and jazz hands. So conflicted!
The 750th season of Dancing with No Stars (And A-Listers Like Valerie Harper, Nomi Malone And Bill Nye) premiered last night and I’m already writing in to Congress, the Supreme Court and Betty White (since she is the supreme decision maker of America) to ask them to disqualify a few of those whores for unfair practices!
Amber Riley from Glee and Corbin Bleu from High School Musical got the highest scores of the night, which is surprising to absolutely no one since they’ve both danced professionally before. They tried to play it off by spitting out some shit like, “I haven’t taken a dance class in years! I’ve been focusing on my singing! I miss dancing! I’ve never danced with a partner before! I barely know what dancing is!,” but please. Those lying, cheating whores. Yes, Elizabeth Berkley tied with Corbin for the second highest score of the night and she’s one of the most skilled dancers in the world (see: practically ever scene in Showgirls), but anybody who’s been in Showgirls can do no wrong, so I’ll let her slide.
Anyway, even though Amber Riley was 3 points away from a perfect score and should probably be declared the winner so we can be spared from watching the rest of the season, Bill Nye was the star of the night. Because he’s Bill Nye the Science Guy, he just had to dance to a song with the word “science” in it. Bill and his partner Tyne Stecklein did the Cha-cha-cha to “Weird Science.” He looked like a half-paralyzed grandpa turtle on extra-strength ludes trying to crawl to a piece of wet lettuce. What I’m trying to say is that his dance was amazing and all the votes should go to Bill.
VOTE FOR BILL!
Bill Nye’s performance is the only performance you need, but click here if you really need to see the others.