Ode to Seinfeld

Since Michael K is not around to hold my hand (I tried to get him to hold my ass but there’s that whole “ew, GIRL” issue) and jacko is off doing God knows what (GOD knows jacko!! Jussayin!), I had to try to find something on the interwebs myself. I hit every site I could think of and came up with NADA. So this is a post about nothing. Cause that’s what I got, NOTHING.

You know, nothing is highly underrated. Nothing needs to get a little love now and then, just like the rest of us sluts. No one has caressed nothing’s nalgas since the 90s when Jerry Seinfeld ruled the airways, and that is a sad, sad thing. People are always ripping on nothing, saying hateful shit like “nothing is more pathetic than Paris Hilton.” WRONG and INSENSITIVE.

So nothing, let’s drown our sorrows together in booze and bong hits. You guys can consider this OP2, or ignore it, or whatever makes your man in the boat float. Nothing is sacred. Nothing really matters. It’s NOTHING to me!

If any of you sluts have a juicy tidbit to share, I’m all ears. Otherwise I’m gonna sit here doing NOTHING (rrrrrOOOOoowwwr!), and nothing is (not) going to stop me.

George Clooney Fired Elisabetta Canalis

Robot call girl Sarah Larson will finally get a roommate at the halfway house for George Clooney’s ex-pieces, because he has kindly pink-slipped his girlfriend of 2 years Elisabetta Canalis. Cocktail waitress and Italian models/coke whores who know how to keep their mouth shuts to the media can form a line to the left for Elisabetta’s replacement. George and Elisabetta issued this open goodbye letter to Entertainment Tonight about their break-up:

“We are not together anymore. It’s very difficult and very personal and we hope everyone can respect our privacy.”

If you looked into Elisabetta’s eyes as she said the “respect our privacy” you’d see her blinking in Morse code: “Please respect my privacy since I obviously won’t and will be giving interviews about this to anybody who waves a tape recorder at my mouth.”

This is sad news, actually. Did I ever think that George Clooney would break his streak as an unmarried ho and actually make that stick of Cindy Crawford jerky his next wife? No. This is sad news, because a camera crew wasn’t there to capture the priceless moment of George firing Elisabetta. There she was, standing outside of his villa and telling a reporter “I will be married one day and all my haters are just jealous that I will be walking down the aisle towards their screensaver and they won’t!” as George Clooney’s bodyguards carry her belongings out the front door and onto the back of a pick-up truck driven by her uncle.

Elisabetta signed her own walking papers as soon as she said the word “marriage.” Whatever the opposite of a safe word is, George’s is: MARRIAGE. Study up, whores, and learn from Elisabetta’s mistake.

And here’s George and Elisabetta having dinner near his villa just last week. Add a few swear words, a couple of security guards, a bag full of stolen office supplies and that’s pretty much what it looked like when I get fired from my last job.

Elisabetta Canalis Will Be A Wife One Day

Elisabetta Canalis has lasted muuuuuuuch longer than the expiration date some hos stamped onto her nalgas after she started dating George Clooney two years ago. Does this mean that George Clooney is actually going to break his vow to bachelorhood and make Elisabetta Canalis his second wife? Naw. It probably just means that Elisabetta Canalis has the shit that makes George Clooney’s prostate quiver. Straponmatized. But Elisabetta is getting bold and told the Italian magazine Chi that she knows she’ll be married one day.

Elisabetta also summoned a Clooney side-eye by saying that all that talk about George being allergic to wedding bands is ancient history. As Sarah Larson prepared Elisabetta’s bunk in the halfway house for George’s ex pieces, she said this to the magazine:

“Whenever I see my picture in a magazine I know what is being written. They all say that I spend my time organizing parties and that my boyfriend does not want to marry me and be with me anymore. My boyfriend has not given an interview on his private life since 1999 – everything that you read is just a rehash of stuff that has been written in the past. I am a firm believer in marriage, in the future I will be married, but for the time being I am happy as I am. I don’t need anything to confirm how happy I am.”

I want the head juror in Casey Anthony’s case to announce that she’s not guilty and wait until Nancy Grace explodes into a million pieces before saying “PSYCHE! GUILTY!“, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. If Elisabetta wants to get married then she’s barking up the wrong peen. The chance of Rosemary Clooney rising from the dead to marry Elisabetta Canalis in the middle of a unicorn forest is likelier than George Clooney marrying her ass.

via UsWeekly

Abram Boise Isn’t Full Of Shit Anymore

If you’re about to get into a bowl of Pintos ‘N Cheese or a bean enchilada, you better just back it up and stay far away from this post until you let out your last digestive burp. Okay, now that we’ve gotten that shit out of the way, here’s some more shit for you! This is 28-year-old Abram Boise. You might know his fool ass from Road Rules: South Pacific and about a million of those Real World/Road Rules shows. If you’re a potty training teacher, you might also meet Abram when he comes to you for a refresher course.

The Worcester Telegram says that Abram busted at 2am near a bar in Lunenburg, MA for being a loud drink who can’t keep his urine in his bladder when out in public. My dog pisses on walls in broad daylight so why can’t Abram? But the police didn’t see it that way and they brought him in. Abram wasn’t done taking the piss out of himself, because the officer said that he did a Fergie in his cell. So they moved in to another cell, and that’s when the shit the fan. Or should I say, the shit hit the wall.

Once in his new cell, Abram celebrated being in his new home by squeezing out a Jersey Shore in his hands and smearing that shit (I mean it in the literal sense this time) all over the walls. The officer said that Abram is a regular Poopcasso, because he wrote his name with his own shit. Abram was charged with pissing in public and being an overall nasty scat bitch. Abram isn’t even embarrassed about his acts of grashiti. Abram Tweeted (but later deleted) this mess:

just gout of jail…Loved it…I yelled and kicked their door for hours…Didn’t back down…Tried to stuff poop in his face:)

Cops were assholes tried to mace me in my cell.So I shit in my hand& thew it at him 🙂 fuck the police

Threw his shit at them? Tried to feed him caca? Did he take self-defense classes from monkeys or the girls from 2 girls, 1 cup? I’ve been filled to the top of my head with DRUNK and I don’t think I ever thought about squatting over my hands and… I take that back, there was that one time in Palm Springs…

And just the record, I WOULD NOT! Okay, maybe I would, but only if he kept a wine cork in his shit hole.

Elisabetta Canalis Is Not Interested In Birthing A Clooney Baby

Seen here at the Italian Song Festival in San Remo yesterday, George Clooney’s girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis tells the Italian edition of Cosmopolitan (via UsWeekly) that the only thing she’s interested in pushing out of her vagina is an 8-ball after she goes through the security line at the airport. Elisabetta isn’t even trying to secure her spot at Clooney’s side by coating her cooch with a latex eating gel. Although, I’m not sure that would work since George, who is a major member of the No Babies For Me club, has probably already pinched his sperm faucet. Hmm. I wonder if jizz sans sperm tastes the same as jizz with sperm? I’m sure some cum connoisseurs out there can answer this. In the meantime, I’m adding that to my cum bucket list.

So, when Cosmo asked Elisabetta about the kids thing, she said that she doesn’t need babies, because she’s got DOGS: “[Getting pregnant has] never been an objective for me. My maternal desires are fully satisfied with my dogs.” Elisabetta then said that she doesn’t mind being known as “the girlfriend of” and is just happy to be with George. Elisabetta also added that the difference between Italian dudes and American dudes is that “Italian men find it really hard to say, ‘I love you, and American men are more open from an emotional standpoint.”

Whether or not 32-year-old Elisabetta is being honest about giving her ovaries an early retirement, the bitch knows how to play this game. George is serious about the NO BABY thing. Don’t even bring a bottle of baby powder-scented lube around him and make sure the anal beads you use on him don’t rattle. If they do, your ass will be kissing curb. Just ask Sarah Larson’s not knowing ass! The dumb trollop got pink-slipped right after she pulled out the strap-on and cooed in a baby voice, “Goo goo gaga, open wide.” George isn’t playing that today or tomorrow.

Elisabetta Canalis Is Still Here!

At last night’s Ripple of Hope (which is also the pet name George Clooney has given to his anus) Awards in NYC, Roseanne’s old boss Booker Brooks glided along the press line with the one and only Elisabetta Canalis at his side beaming like her benefactor’s favorite glow-in-the-dark butt beads. Elisabetta is becoming an expert at throwing up her coke canals at the cocktail waitresses biting at her ankles to take her place. Look at her perfectly painted “Nobody can work a strap-on like me so I’m not going anywhere, you simple whores” face.

Elisabetta has been so quiet lately, so it’s nice to see her back where she belongs: throwing smugcuntfaces while holding George Clooney’s hand. I do miss her yammering on about how she’s the greatest thing to happen to George since electrified nipple clamps were invented, but she probably smeared an imaginary layer of Super Glue over her lips when Sarah Larson texted her from a hostess club in Downtown L.A. with the message: “See you soon!”