Want To Hear Audio Of Elisabeth Hasselbeck Fake Quitting After Getting Into A Fight With Barbara Walters On “The View”?
If you were disturbed and offended by Rosie O’Donnell‘s comments about having a crush on Elisabeth Hassellbeck the way that she was, then buckle in for some sweet reprieve. Variety–who’s writer Ramin Setoodeh authored the new The View exposé: Ladies Who Punch: The Explosive Inside Story of The View–is finally giving us something juicy in the form of gossip from the set of The View.
Who cares that Rosie wanted to cuddle sweet Elisabeth against her bosom and sigh lovingly? I sure don’t. But you know what I do want to hear? Elisabeth having a total spoiled brat hissy fit meltdown because her respected-journalist boss tried to get her to calm the fuck down on national television. It’s whiny and high-pitched and melodramatic and insane and I loved every second of it and you will too.
It Never Ends: Joy Behar Comments On Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s Comments About Rosie’s Return To The View
Because one hen from The View can’t open her beak without the rest of them trying to squawk louder than the rest of the chickens, Joy Behar went on CNN to talk about Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s mid-vacation phone call to Fox & Friends where she cried about how Rosie O’Donnell’s return to The View is an insult to America. It’s like the angry poultry version of Inception. Joy told CNN’s Don Lemon that Elisabeth’s comment about Rosie spitting in the face of the military was “a hate-filled remark”, adding:
“I thought that was really kind of below the belt—to say that she spits in the face of the military. I’d like Elisabeth to explain herself, really. What does she mean by that? Isn’t it kind of a nasty thing to say about somebody who basically is a good person? I mean, say what you want about Rosie O’Donnell, she’s a very generous person, she has a million kids, she’s always rescuing children—I mean, she has more kids than Mrs. Duggar at this point on her roster. Her son is at The Citadel—what more does Elisabeth want?”
“To say that she spits in the face of the military, that’s a dangerous thing to say about somebody. First of all, it’s not true. I would like her to prove it. Everything is fiction on Fox anyway, what am I talking about?”
Who would have thought that sending two slow chickens to the Tyson factory would get so much attention? I mean, first Elisabeth Hasselbeck drops whatever she was doing at The Holy Land Experience (probably waiting in line to get her picture taken with Jesus for the 3rd time that day) to throw shade at Rosie O’Donnell for filling the two vacant spots left by mouth breathers Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd. Then Joy goes on CNN to throw shade at Elisabeth. Then Rosie throws shade at Elisabeth on Twitter. Next thing you know Lisa Ling will be calling in to Al Jazeera to throw shade at Joy, Meredith Vieira will throw shade at Lisa to Matt Lauer on Today, and Debbie Matenopoulos will throw shade at Meredith from the futon in her Rancho Cucamonga studio apartment.
If you were looking for a reason to be happy about Rosie O’Donnell going back to The View again, you found it. The news ruined Elisabeth Hasselcrack’s vacation and anything that ruins that rabid blonde hyena’s day can’t be wrong.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is where she belongs, Fox News, and you’d think she wouldn’t have a care in the world since she’s frolicking around a conservative wonderland where’s she a Republican Christian princess who can make the people cheer by screaming for the demise of Obama and drunk moms. Elisabeth is living her dream, so why would give two shits about The View? But she does and she pressed pause on her vacation from Fox & Friends to call into her show and diarrhea out her feelings about her arch rival going back to The View and the she has a lot of feelings about it. Elisabeth says that Rosie has been planning her return to The View for a while and when all the pecking hens of The View, past and present, reunited for one of Barbara Walters’ last shows, Rosie told her that she organized the reunion. Elisabeth thinks that the reunion show wasn’t a “Bye Barbara” show it was a “Hello Rosie” show. HA. As Hasselcrack trashed Rosie over and over again, she clenched so hard that her ass cheeks almost fused themselves together.
“What could ruin a vacation more than to hear news like this? I know Rosie very well. We worked quite closely. Talk about not securing the border! Here in comes to The View the very woman who spit in the face of our military, spit in the face of her own network, and really in the face of a person who stood by her and had civilized debates for the time that she was there, coming back with a bunch of control ready to regain a seat at the View table. Not surprising. I think this has been in the works for a long time.
Anyone who is going to be in that seat – I think this is how it’s going to play out or already has – will have to be fully approved by Rosie. Now let’s not forget, Whoopi Goldberg is sitting there and Whoopi’s not going to let anybody control her. Whoopi has an EGOT and has more trophies in her case than Rosie. She’s the leader. It will be very interesting to see how that goes. I don’t think it would be wise for Rosie O’Donnell to challenge Whoopi Goldberg on anything. I really don’t. And I would also say that after years of being there, Rosie found out one thing about me: don’t mess with a pregnant mama and do not mess with our military when it comes to this girl sitting next to her. I do think this has been in the works a long, long time.”
Put an empty plastic water bottle under Elisabeth’s eyes and collect her angry tears, because her angry tears will make a good pick-me-up for when you’re feeling low. Elisabeth is really, really mad and she’s acting like her bitch brawl of words with Rosie happened ten minutes ago instead of ten thousand years ago. No one loves anything as much as Elisabeth loves hating on Rosie. I do feel a little sexual tension there. It’s as though Elisabeth gets off on raging against Rosie. Elisabeth’s husband was probably wondering why during the times he’s given her oral, she always screams through grit teeth, “That’s right, eat it, Rosie, eat it! Eat it, you dumb bitch! Eat it, Rosie! EAT IT! This is for our military! EAT IT!” It all makes sense now.
The mothership has called for Elisabeth Hasselcrack and she’s finally leaving The View to answer their call. Fox News announced today that starting in September, Elisabeth Hasselcrack’s high-pitched screech will break lights and burn off the eyebrows of crew members on the set of Fox & Friends. Hasselcrack is taking Gretchen Carlson’s spot. Gretchen is leaving to host her own show on Fox. Roger Ailes, the Chairman of Fox News, told the Post that they’re all opening their arms and embracing Hasselcrack:
“Elisabeth’s warm and engaging personality made her a star on “The View”. She has proven to be an excellent conversationalist and I am certain she will make a great addition to our already successful morning franchise.”
Warm and engaging personality? Are we watching the same Elisabeth or is Roger getting morning time drunk while watching The View? Actually a better question would be, who doesn’t get morning time drunk while watching The View?
There’s been rumors for months that Elisabeth was joining Joy Behar for the walk out The View’s exit door, but everyone including Barbara Walters denied it. They obviously dumped her ass and gave her time to find a new gig so she could say she dumped them instead.
UsWeekly says that Elisabeth’s last day on The View is tomorrow. I really hope that Rosie O’Donnell shows up for Elisabeth’s last show so they can reenact this glorious moment:
If you thought that there was no way The View could get even screechier next season, then brace your ears, because you’re wrong. UsWeekly says that board certified crazy bitch Jenny McCarthy is in “serious talks” with Barbara Walters and the other producers about joining the brood of insane pecking hens in the coop next season after Joy Behar leaves. Joy announced a long time ago that she’s out of that bitch and even though Elisabeth Hasselcrack hasn’t announced that she’s leaving too, she’s already been handed an empty cardboard box to put all her dressing room shit in and her security card has already been programmed to expire the day the last show of the season tapes. Bitch is out of there too.
UsWeekly’s source says that the producers think Jenny is a perfect replacement and that since her talk show on Vh1 is slowly dying like whatever is left of her sanity, she’s into it too.
“She is in serious talks right now. Her show isn’t quite working out, so she’s definitely open to it. The cast and crew get a kick out of Jenny. She’s a good fit. She may not be able to carry a show, but she works well with a group ensemble.”
UsWeekly also says that Brooke Shields is in “serious talks” (SERIOUS TALKS!) to replace Hasselcrack.
Well, The View already has a science expert (see: Sherri Shepherd) and a sex crimes expert (see: Whoopi Goldberg) and so naturally they need a professional medical expert. Dr. Jenny is as knowledgeable in medical stuff as Sherri is in science stuff, so she’ll fit right in. Dr. Jenny should make sure that when she farts out her batshit, fucked-up medical advice she does it while wearing smart people glasses, because nothing makes you look like a medical authority like glasses.
As Whoopi Goldberg and The Tasmanian Devil’s twin sister, Sherri Shepherd, tried to contain themselves while screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO on the inside, Barbara Walters announced on The View today that Elisabeth Hasselback will terrorize viewers for as long as she wants to. The rumor was that Elisabeth was put on the curb, because test audiences don’t like her and think she’s too right wing. But Gossip Cop says that Barbara denied all of this on today’s show and told everyone to stop singing “ding dong the Hasselcrack is dead,” because the Hasselcrack is very much alive on The View….for now.
“There is a particularly false story that is getting picked up about Elisabeth’s alleged departure, saying we don’t approve of her conservative views. The truth is we love Elisabeth. I like her personally, and she’s a wonderful person. But beyond that, we value and appreciate her point of view. It’s important to us, because Elisabeth helps give the show perspective and balance. And believe me, she’s tougher than she looks. We have no plans for Elisabeth to leave this show. Having said that to all of you, Bill [The View’s producer] and I have always said that when one of you makes the choice to leave [we won’t stop you].”
Translation: “I’m still waiting for that resignation letter, Hasselcrack.”
Barbara also confirmed that Joy Behar is leaving the round table of ridiculousness at the end of this season.
If Hasselcrack did leave The View, guests would have to find another trick to throw side-eyes at and completely ignore. And that somebody would’ve been Sherri Shepherd, so The Tasmanian Lady Devil should be breathing out ten sighs of relief over the fact that the shrieking blond mouse is staying.