While millions of abuelitas replace the velvet painting of Pope Eggs Benedict hanging over their toilet with a velvet painting of Pope Francis the Fist, all of us should be worshiping a true leader and beacon of hope: Elin Nordegren. Let out the gold smoke, because the Pope of gold diggers has been found. Get on your knee and pray, Heather Mills.
After Elin got over $100 million from Tiger Woods in a divorce settlement, she started bumping genitals with the son of a billionaire tycoon for a little bit and then she supposedly got back with Tiger Woods. The rumor was that Tiger wanted to marry her again and was going to put an anti-cheating clause in their prenup, which would’ve given her $350 million if he passed his peen to another Waffle House waitress. But I guess Elin decided that $350 million is chump change and she better reach higher if she wants to be the Patron Saint of Gold Diggers. Enter, Elin’s billionaire neighbor Chris Cline (not to be confused with the mess from American Pie.)
Page Six is saying that 33-year-old Elin has been dating 53-year-old billionaire Chris Cline since December. Chris has a mansion in the Seminole Landing area of North Palm Beach in Florida and Elin’s currently building a mansion there. Chris Cline is originally from West Virginia, has been married twice, has four kids and made his $1.2 billion fortune in the coal mining business. His company, Foresight Energy, is headquartered Palm Beach.
Get it, Elin! Look at Chris Cline, he looks like pure money. I bet his pubes smell like mahogany, Italian leather and hundred dollar bills. If the luxury package on a Cadillac was turned into a human, it would look like Chris Cline. If they made a movie about Chris Cline’s life, Powers Boothe would play him. You know you’re really rich when Powers Boothe plays you in a movie, because Powers Boothe barely ever plays poor people. I swear, Elin’s life is like an episode of Dallas.
And try not to look surprised when Chris Cline’s golf game improves by 5000% thanks to Elin’s lucky charm vagine.
When Elin Nordegren looks at the balance on her ATM receipt, more than half-a-dozen zeroes look back at her and sometimes it gets boring looking at all those zeroes. Sometimes you want to see even more zeroes. You want the zeroes to fall off the page and shit. The only thing better than having a checking account full of millions of dollars is having a checking account full of even MORE millions of dollars. And that’s what my idol and life icon is going to make happen.
After Elin’s marriage to Tiger Woods drowned in a pool side snatch syrup, she got $110 million in the divorce settlement in 2010. Since then Elin has been using her millions to build her Florida dream mansion, and she dated an American billionaire for a while. I guess that didn’t work out, because The National Enquirer (via The Sun) says that Elin is back to riding Tiger and he’s trying to get her to marry his ass once again. A source says that Tiger proposed to Elin during the holidays and gave her a wedding ring. Tiger is so hard up for Elin to wear the ring that he promised to put an anti-cheating clause in their prenup that states he’ll give her $350 million, more than half of his fortune, if he cheats. The source said:
“Tiger didn’t even balk at the demand. Even though his accountants think he’s crazy, he’s ready to sign the pre-nup and set a wedding date. The guy has never recovered from being dumped by Elin. He’s dated a lot of models and bimbos but none of them were more than a one-night stand.”
This is from The Enquirer via The Sun, so this shit is probably about as truthful as an OKCupid profile, but I still need it to be true, because I need to believe that Elin Nordegren is the Swedish goddess of gold diggers. If it is true, then Tiger Woods must think that Elin’s vagine is the gold luck charm he needs to start winning again. It will be the easiest $350 million Elin has ever made. Six seconds after that marriage certificate is signed, Elin just has to put a random coochie in front of his face and as he breaks that anti-cheating clause, she’ll get on the phone with her contractor to tell him that he can go ahead and encrust the bottom of her pool with diamonds and paint her entire house in liquid platinum.
One day you’re wiping up another child’s barf as the nanny, then you’re humping Tiger Woods on your wedding night, then you’re chasing him down with a golf club and then you’re bulldozing down the $12 million Florida mansion you bought with your $100 million divorce settlement. Elin Nordegren is truly living the gold digging dream! Tiger Woods wrecked his own house by sticking his wandering peen into the chocha of every Waffle House waitress in Florida and now Elin Nordegren has wrecked her own house the old-fashioned way.
TMZ says Elin bought the 9,000 square foot, 6 bedroom, 8 bathroom beachfront mansion in North Palm Beach for $12 million in March. Elin must be a disciple of Teresa Giudice’s “living in a used house is gross” way of life, because she has torn it down and is planning to build her dream mansion complete with a gallery that will house the torn-off nutsacks of Tiger Woods, which was part of her settlement.
Isn’t this sort of thing a regular sport for the one percent? Whatever. Elin Nordegren earned the right to be wasteful as shit and build a multimillion dollar museum to celebrate the achievements of her perfect gold digging game.
But really, this post was just an excuse to pay tribute to a future gold digger that dropped on my radar during last night’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. I present to you….ALANA!
“I want monaaaaay! A dolla make me holla, honey boo-boo child!” is the first two sentences every young star in the money hungry universe should learn. Elin should honor the future of gold diggers by naming her mansion Honey Boo Boo Child.
The billionaire businessman who is reportedly in a 6-month-old relationship with Elin Nordegren denies that he’s been to two places Tiger Woods has been before. TMZ reported over the weekend that Tiger Woods’ main mistress whore Rachel Uchitel screwed on Elin’s current boyfriend, Jamie Bergman, two months before the Ambien hit the fan. When Elin found out about this, she freaked out at how Rachel’s snatch seems to be following her wherever she goes. Elin can’t even lick on Jamie’s dick without seeing Rachel’s vagina flaps laughing at her. So what is Elin’s new boyfriend doing to soothe her rage? Denying it, of course!
Jamie’s friends say that he did go down to Miami in October 2009 with Rachel, but it was strictly business. Jamie and Rachel were working on some kind of investment business together. Rachel told TMZ that she already bagged Jamie, but his friends say she’s lying. However, some sources who stayed at the same house as Rachel and Jamie said she snuck into his room late at night for some fuck times. Rachel bragged about it to the owner of the house the next morning.
Like I’ve said before, Rachel Uchitel is like lube, she’s been on every dick at one time or another. Elin should not let that little fact keep her from proclaiming her love to Jamie in a groundbreaking ceremony (aka a wedding) before shoveling half of his fortune into her pocketbook. Who cares if Rachel is telling everyone that Elin is riding on doggy bag dick. Elin can laugh right back when she makes her servants build a life-sized sculpture of Rachel Uchitel out of Austrian crystal balls that she’ll knock down with her diamond-encrusted gold hammer.
I was rooting for Rachel for a second, but I just can’t anymore. There’s nothing more tragic than an undignified whore who has successfully dug for gold and is now empty-handed. Elin can count her millions of dollars while Rachel can only count her genital warts. As we all let out a gold digger sigh….
Elin Nordegren thought it was weird that her new billionaire boyfriend’s crotch smells like salmon jerky, Ambien and whore. And now she knows why. Elin is currently dating businessman Jamie Dingman who used to live with Tiger Woods’ main mistress Rachel Uchitel in Miami. Nothing says “true love” like licking the stank of your ex-husband’s ex-side piece off of your new boyfriend’s peen.
Rachel tells TMZ that she screwed on Jamie for a while, but left him to become the full-time head of Tiger’s harem. Rachel says that Jamie wasn’t too upset about it and even joked that he’ll just date Elin. Now his joke has become real-life.
Just because Jamie’s sexed on Rachel in the past doesn’t mean that Elin shouldn’t marry him, divorce him and then throw the bag full of half his fortune in the vault where she keeps the gold bars she got from Tiger. If all of used that dating logic, we’d have no one to fuck! Because Rachel’s cuchi not only tells all, but it’s been on all too.
Here’s THE RICHEST WOMAN IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE Elin Nordegren letting her inner Rona Barrett come out and pose on the cover of this week’s People Magazine. The “hand to face” pose was an excellent choice, because it says “I’m thinking…..about all the fucking zeroes in my savings account.” Elin gave her first and only interview to People before she grabs her kids and retreats into her shiny Florida kingdom made from the tears falling out of Tiger Woods’ checking account.
I figured that as soon as Elin collected her $100+ million divorce settlement, she would be forced to keep her lips shut to the media about anything Tiger Woods-related, but I guess not. Elin tells People that she was as shocked as everyone else to learn that her husband was out fucking like Wilt Chamberlain after a Viagra overdose. Elin says that she has taken a stroll through Hades (Satan asked her to say “Hiya, Sugartits” to Mel Gibson for him), but now she’s in better place. What she means is nothing dries tears like a crisp $100 bill! And here’s a few quotes.
Elin on all the shit that has fallen on her shoulders: “I’ve been through hell. It’s hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie? You’re struggling because it wasn’t real. But I survived. It was hard, but it didn’t kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children.”
Elin on finding out that Tiger was crowned Mister Man Whore 2009-10: “I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word ‘betrayal’ isn’t strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. For the last three years, when all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard.”
Elin quoting a Britney Spears song: “I also feel stronger than I ever have. I have confidence in my beliefs, my decisions and myself.”
Elin on how she’s going to soak her sadness in a bowl of liquefied gold: “My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal.”
Elin on why she Ike Turnered Tiger’s SUV that night: “There was never any violence inside or outside our home. The speculation that I would have used a golf club to hit him is just truly ridiculous. I did everything I could to get him out of the locked car. To think anything else is absolutely wrong.”
Elin on how she wishes Tiger the best: “I know he is going to go down
on every waitress in the 407as the best golfer that ever lived, and rightfully so. I feel privileged to have witnessed a part of his golfing career.”
Let’s all tap a spoon on our plastic crystal wine flutes for Elin keeping it classy. That being said, I’m a little disappointed that the People cover doesn’t feature Elin holding a diamond-covered dildo in front of a stuffed toy tiger with dollars falling out of its ass. The tagline could’ve read: “Now who’s getting fucked, bitch”. Not as classy as the “hand to face” pose, but it’s a close second!