There must have been some highly-skilled photographers at last night’s 2016 G’Day Los Angeles Gala, because it’s amazing that they were able to get such clear shots of Mimi’s tiny, little 35-carat $10 million engagement ring. I mean, she was obviously shy about showing it and it’s not like with every pose she struck, she made sure that every single photographer there got as many shots of it as possible. So kudos to those photographers for capturing such a rare moment!
The ethereal Wuzzle and James Packer got engaged a little over a week ago, and during the last 7 days she’s probably been holed up in her bedroom where she’s been cuddling with and making beautiful love to her true soulmate. No, not Billionaire Shrek. That ring! Mimi obviously loves that ring so much that if it had a butthole and asked her to play with it, she’d suck her finger wet and gladly go in. Mimi and that ring may be the greatest love story of our time.
I also love that she wore a sparkly black dress, because it makes her ring look like a giant planet of elegance floating in the middle of the galaxy. And don’t you dare throw hate at Mimi’s busted manicure situation. There’s a very good explanation for that. Now that she’s engaged to a billionaire, she only has her nails filled in with pink dolphin jizz and crushed-up diamonds. Mimi’s pink dolphin is obviously taking a while to cum, but she’ll have her nails filled in right after he does!
Coco and Ice-T’s daughter Chanel Nicole has been alive for about 30 seconds, but yet she’s well on her way to becoming the greatest Instagram model of all-time!
Since Anna Wintour and the other top fashion magazine editors of the world have been begging to see Chanel Nicole’s modeling book, Coco put her in her first photoshoot yesterday. Coco posted some of the pictures from Chanel Nicole’s first photoshoot on Instagram and it’s very Anne Geddes meets Glamour Shots. That over-blanched string bean Kendull Jenner can go ahead and sashay off the catwalk permanently, because her modeling career is finally over now that Chanel Nicole is on the scene.
Chanel Nicole has more charisma and personality than Kendull. And even though Chanel Nicole’s lids are always closed, she still has more life in the eye area than Kendall. Chanel Nicole is also one of the most versatile models out there.
If you need a baby who will sleep while lying against her mother’s gigantic bare chichis, Chanel Nicole is your model. If you need a baby who will sleep in some metal basket from Cost Plus while wearing a Claire’s rhinestone choker around her head, Chanel Nicole is your model. If you need a baby who will sleep at the top of a tree made from her mother’s exquisite heels, Chanel Nicole is your model. If you need a baby who will sleep while in a pink tutu, Chanel Nicole is your model.
Chanel Nicole also has another talent besides sleeping like nobody else in newborn photo shoots. Chanel Nicole can already spit at the Twitter haters in 140 characters or less:
The Haters have spoken! I guess Mama and Daddy are posting too many pics of me…. Lol. I love it.
— Baby Chanel Nicole (@BabyChanelworld) December 7, 2015
When I was Chanel Nicole’s age, my greatest accomplishment was shitting in my diaper. (Come to think of it, that remains my greatest accomplishment in life.) But Chanel Nicole has already become a successful Instagram model and she’s a master at LOLing at the Twitter trolls. She really is our new messiah.
It’s hasn’t even been a week since the human pearl that is Chanel Nicole was pulled out of CoCo’s precious oyster of a body and she looks like a baby just didn’t spend the past 8 and a half months in her pink rhinestone-encrusted womb. Don’t you even accuse CoCo of getting a post-C section tummy tuck and wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx. Ethereal goddesses obviously just snap back real quick.
CoCo posted this picture of her and Chanel Nicole on Instagram today, and it doesn’t even look like a picture. It looks like an exquisite piece of art painted by Botticelli. It’s the new The Virgin and Child. And is Chanel Nicole really tiny or are CoCo’s tits just really big? Or both? It’s both.
In Greek mythology there’s a story about how Artemis, the goddess of wild animals, protested against wool by sticking her silicone bag chichis out while dressed up like a day-shift hooker Little Bo Beep. So when I saw these pictures of Courtney Stodden doing just that on Hollywood Blvd. yesterday, I knew that she is the Artemis of our time!
Seen above looking like she’s trying to piss but is too fucked up on Xanax to make a tinkle, the Porn Iguana protested for PETA by posing in front of the paps while wearing a Little Ho Peep costume. Courtney said at the photo-op that everyone needs to stop buying wool, because many sheep are abused during shearling.
“Every wool sweater or scarf means a lifetime of suffering for a beautiful, gentle sheep. My friends at PETA and I urge everyone to leave wool on the rack this winter!”
I feel like the Porn Iguana has worn wool before… If she has, I’m sure it’s because a sheep shaved the wool off of its own body and gave it to her. It wanted its wool to touch the body of a saint and natural goddess!
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s the visual definition of demure sophistication!
Every year, we all hear about how Heidi Klum is the Queen of Halloween and nobody does it like her and blah blah blah blah fart blah. Yeah, it probably took a million hours, a team of 12 and thousands of dollars to transform Heidi Klum into a terrifying fun hour mirror melting Amanda LePore mannequin, but she still didn’t win Halloween. The true winner of Halloween was the living fiber optic flower lamp that is Bai Ling who showed Heidi Klum that all she needs to transform into another character is $8, a couple of coupons and a pussy waxing kit.
Bai Ling really hit up the clearance costume section at Walgreens, because she transformed into several characters including SuperRose, Lady Spock and a much more elegant Leeloo from The Fifth Element. Bai Ling transformed into all of those characters while doing an almost-naked photo shoot by the train tracks in L.A. for the paparazzi. Bai Ling gave us modesty (see: the picture of her covering up her precious oyster) and art (see: the picture of her posing in front of “slut” graffiti). Bai Ling not only took the gold medal at the Slutoween Olympics, but she also set an untouchable bar for ho stroll photo shoots. Don’t be surprised tomorrow if I post pictures of Phoebe Price trying to outdo Bai Ling by posing fully naked on Skid Row.
And somebody snatch the Halloween crown off of Heidi Klum and place it where it really belongs: Bai Ling’s gorgeous goddess head.
By the way, I’m typing this on a Braille keyboard, because I’ve had THAT PICTURE of Prince Hot Ginge taped onto my face since Friday. “Did you do something to your hair? You look so much better!” is what I heard all weekend from my family and friends.
The London premiere of the 24th James Bond movie, Spectre, happened tonight and Prince Hot Ginge was there, because DUH, there was an open bar and I’m sure the place was filled with stringy dishwater blondes he could make out with behind the concession counter. PHG brought along those other two, Prince William and Duchess Kate, because they never ever get out of the house and needed a date night.
I thought I felt a little earthquake this afternoon and now I know it was from dozens of people in Las Vegas falling over and hitting the ground when Naomi Judd knocked them out with her glamour and gorgeousness.
The temperature in Las Vegas went up at least 100 degrees today and it’s all Naomi Judd’s fault for serving up so much piping hot elegance and exquisiteness at the launch of The Judds’ residency at The Venetian. It even looks like Wynonna Judd’s face melted a little from being so close to her hot mother. Naomi Judd’s face gets straights As. I don’t even care if it looks like her left eyebrow took a bite out of her right eyebrow. Her eyebrow game gets an A+, her lip liner game gets an A++ and those spider lashes get an A+++. Naomi Judd looks like the most opulent Christmas tree topper of all time. Liberace would so put her on top of his tree. There really are no words. This is perfection and everybody in the world should strive to look like this!
If Jane Child and an extra slow, huffing-addicted Predator had a toilet baby and that toilet baby grew up to star in a low-budget porn parody of Barbarella, it would look like the hillbilly chipmunk at tonight’s MTV VMAs.
Miley Cyrus, who is putting the HO in host tonight, showed up to the VMAs looking like a morning-shift prostitution whore-ah in the Battlefield Earth universe. Kelly Preston is probably sitting next to John Travolta and wondering why his ass area is putting out sounds that sound like a puppy licking its mouth after eating peanut butter. Oh, it’s just John’s b-hole puckering from seeing Miley done up like an extravagant Scientology whore.
And if Billy Ray Cyrus gets drunk enough tonight, he’s totally going to sing “Phantom of the Opera” while pretending that the chandelier covering Miley’s crotch is hitting him. Yes, I just showed my theater queen-self with that line.
Something called the World Go Topless Parade happened in Venice Beach, CA on Sunday and when you throw an event in L.A. with the word “topless” in it, you can expect international supermodel and timeless beauty Phoebe Price to magically drop from the sky and grace it with her gorgeous presence. An event with the word “topless” in it is her bat signal.
After Chicken Cutlets became a living floral float of ginger perfection in the World Go Topless Parade, she gave a WORLD EXCLUSIVE photo shoot to the paparazzo she called. Ron Howard probably wishes he would’ve waited 30 years to make Splash, because Daryl Hannah truly can’t hold a candle, match, lighthouse, etc to PP as a mermaid. While working elegant mermaid bell bottoms and a 99 Cent Store plastic shell bra (or maybe those are paper plates she pulled out of a trash can), PP gave the camera some Chicken Cutlets of the Sea demureness. You can’t tell from these pictures, but several ships crashed into sandbars that day, because PP’s ethereal mermaid beauty lured the sailors in.
If Disney ever gets around to making the live-action Little Mermaid, they have found their star! Although, they’ll have to add a scene that explains why Ariel licks all the thingamabobs in her cave like they’re peens and why she has a pap following her around instead of a crab.
Here’s more pictures of PP displaying beach beauty and split freckled ass cakes.
George and Amal Clooney continued to show the world that they’re the GREATEST COUPLE WHO EVER EXISTED by getting into a good old-fashioned staged canoodling session in front of a photographer at a party for his tequila brand in Ibiza, Spain last night. I’m going to choose to believe that the dude in the black shirt on the right witnessed their love-in-motion earlier in the day and was so inspired that he immediately ran out and got that Amal Clooney tattoo on his arm. (He’ll add the George Clooney tattoo later.)
George and Amal were in Ibiza with Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber over the weekend to whore out their Casamigos tequila. Last night, they threw a launch party at the Ushuaia Ibiza Beach Hotel. You know, Vanity Fair recently put Amal Clooney on their best dressed list and I didn’t see it at all until my eyes landed on these pictures of her wearing a $2,400 dress that looks like it came directly from the closet of Nomi Malone. I love that dress, because it’s gold, sparkly, looks like it was bought from the clearance rack of a Joyce Leslie in New Jersey and would fit in anywhere from the ho stroll in Atlantic City to a Studio 54-theme night at a club in Reno. Those white panties under that slightly see-through dress was a nice, elegant touch too. More of this, Amal! I also love that George Clooney didn’t even try.
And somewhere, Sarah Larson is thinking to herself, “She looks like a cheap cocktail waitress at a bottom level Las Vegas casino. George totally misses me.”