That lady in the front making a “Fuck this shit, where’s the open bar?” face is all of us.
At the St. Rose of Lima Catholic church in East Hanover, NJ yesterday, history was made when an Ewok married a juicehead gorilla. It was a major event for interspecies marriage activists. 27-year-old Snooki married her 27-year-old two-time baby father Jionni LaValle in a Catholic church while wearing white. So that rumble you heard yesterday wasn’t only from your stomach continuing to die a slow death after being filled with Stove Top and gallons of the sweet nectar. That rumble was also the sound of a thousand Catholic abuelitas collapsing to the floor from the ESCANDALOSONESS of it all.
UsWeekly says that the Chilean Ewok’s bridesmaids party included elegant Thundercat JWoww and Danny DeVito impersonator Deena Cortese. Pauly D was also there, but who knows about the other Jersey Shore messes. UsWeekly also says that Snooki wore two gowns, one of which looked like something straight out of Say Fuck No To The Dress. It’s a bridal nightmare that made her look like an Ewok mermaid drowning in a swamp of merengue.
Snooki and Jionni’s reception went down at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ and it was a Great Gatsby theme. I wonder how many times Snooki screamed, “No, you fricken moron, Great Gatsby is that Leonardo DiCaprio movie! It’s not a book!” after someone said to her, “Oh, I didn’t know you were a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s book.” I know, nobody said that to her. We all know she can’t read.
But seriously, who knew that Snooki would turn out to be the normal, stable and semi-sane one from Jersey Shore. It seemed like it was just yesterday when she was pissing on the floor of a bar. Now she’s all grown up and marrying her future ex-husband in front of MTV’s cameras (Snooki can’t take a shit without them, so I’m guessing they were there). Fame whores usually never grow up, so it’s shocking when one does.
And since you can never have too much grace and sophistication in one post, here’s what Snooki’s bridal heels looked like:
There’s really something poetic about Snooki getting married in shoes that look like bedazzled mold.
Isn’t the answer always “THE GREY FLOOR“?
Every amFAR event’s theme is supposed to be “Down With AIDS!“, but last night’s theme was obviously, “What’s AIDS? Look At My Tits!” Miley Cyrus and RiRi obviously heard that memo loud and clear.
I guess Tom Ford has been trolling the “ratchet prom dress” tag on Tumblr, because that’s the only explanation for the clusterfuck of demure sophistication that RiRi had on her body last night. RiRi showed up to the amfAR LA Inspiration Gala Honoring Tom Ford in L.A. last night wearing some messiness Tom Ford designed and the only thing missing is Diana Ross’ hand under her right tit. That dress looks duct tape, an old bed sheet, two Christmas bows and a sheer nursing bra having an awkward orgy and none of them are even close to cumming. An ear-killing, nasally “SHIT!” was heard all through Calabasas today, because Kim Kartrashian will have to find another ensemble to wear to North West’s khristening ceremony.
RiRi’s look is like this season of American Horror Story. It doesn’t make sense and nothing flows together, but yet I can’t stop looking at it. RiRi looks like a rejected Twi’lek dancer who had to make ends meet by selling ass to aliens on the 16th planet of Tau Ceti, but I’m still into it as fugly and busted as it is. Blame it on her nipples looking like they’re barfing up heavy loads of extra chunky sparkles. That’s what unicorn herpes looks like and it’s stunning.
In news that will make you rethink your every-decision-you’ve-made-since-fucking-junior-high-school, the Daily Mail says there’s an now ex teacher’s assistant in Florida who is single handedly turning around her state’s reputation for bad decision making by dropping her boring TA job to drop her booty in a much more lucrative T&A career full time. Twenty two year old Jessica “Two First Names” Vanessa turned her sensible suits in for satin booty shorts and now bitch is getting PAID to twerk it (That’s why it’s called tWORKING bitches – Jessica). In related news, why the fuck did I take the colleges? I want a refund.
If you thought that Miley Cyrus killed twerking by humiliating it before setting fire to it and spinning out on its face with a camouflage paint jobbed 4-wheeler, watch the video and let Jessica’s mesmerizing ass moves restore your faith and take you up and away from that sadness. Her ass is like the Mozart of Twerk. It undulates, it goes back and forth, it goes up and down, side to side, and in and out. It’s the Hokey Pokey of ass. It’s part waterbed and part clacker and completely awesome.
Some people have tried slut shaming Jessica and girl, forget those jealous bitches. They’re just mad that they didn’t pick shaking it over Excel spreadsheets. Jessica says that she didn’t have to be an ex math teacher’s assistant to understand that 6 seconds of work > 4 months for the same pay. Thank you for making us all re-evaluate our careers and teaching us to understand that maximizing on our unique as(s)ets is the way to go.
The wind-swept hair. That youthful easy breezy CoverGirl glow. The casual gingham blouse unbuttoned just enough to reveal a hint of sun-kissed décolletage. I know that RuPaul wrote “Supermodel (Of The World)” about herself, but I’m starting to think it’s time she donated it to Bruce Jenner, since he clearly owns the title now.
But she should change the lyrics first, since you don’t have to remind Bruce that he better work – he does that shit without even trying! Proof: Bruce wasn’t even moving when this picture was taken. Heaven’s hottest earth angel doesn’t have to sashay shante to make it look like the wind is gently blowing through his feathered chestnut wings. All Bruce has to do is stand in one spot and his devastating beauty sends out an “I’m here bitch” message into the atmosphere, and the wind comes to him! And Bruce DOESN’T twirl; you only get one angle, and that’s if you’re lucky. Gazing upon Brucie’s beauty is a privilege, not a right!
But for why did the most gorgeous Kardashian decide to bless us with a sight of his ageless face and silky Breck Girl mane? Because he’s a goddamn humanitarian and our eyes were in desperate need of some high-class beauty and sophistication, that’s why! So he decided to put on a chic Land’s End blouse and a pair of diamond studs (how Hamptons of you Brucie) and join his son Brandon Jenner and Brandon’s wife at the Elton John concert in Los Angeles last night. Poor Elton; even with sunglasses on, I bet it was really hard to concentrate on playing the piano with such a shimmering jewel blinding him in the audience.
Here’s more of My Beautiful Bruce looking like the prototype for every Disney Prince ever, and proving he can still werk it Wheaties-style by hurdling over a fence. I wish there was a video of that – I wanna see Bruce’s butt in action! Oh yes honey! Must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake!
When Gold Digging Goes Wrong: Demure British Flower Has A Baby With A Man She Thought Was A Famous Footballer
If you haven’t already, curtsy in front of 24-year-old former escort turned aspiring glamour model (yeah, and I’m an aspiring Pulitzer Prize-winning, best-selling author) Josie Cunningham from England who allegedly got conned by a regular dude she thought was rich, famous footballer Curtis Davies, captain of Hull City. This is why Heather Mills should open up a community college for aspiring gold diggers, because these gold diggers really need to learn useful tips like how to do a thorough background check on a dude before you let him bareback bone an ATM baby into you.
Josie is sort of famous in the UK the way Backdoor Farrah is sort of famous here. This stunning weed plucked out of the garden of Jodie Marsh became a tabloid’s wet dream when she admitted that she got the UK’s National Health Service to pay for her $8,000 tit job and Botox injections by telling them that she was bullied for having a flat chest ever since the age of 14 and suffered from a sweating problem. Well, I guess you really get what you don’t pay for, because that is a section 8 tit job if I ever saw one.
But before I get into Josie’s tragic gold digger fail, let me get into more acts of fame whore foolery she’s pulled.
“What I really want is a music video that can easily be mistaken for a no-budget phone sex commercial that only played on public access in 1994” is what I’m guessing JLo told Hype Williams during their pitch meeting for this mess.
Because JLo and Iggy Azalea aren’t going to let Nicki Minaj be the only trick filling our faces with a whole lot of ASS like our name is Drake, their video for “Booty” is pretty much all booty. About three seconds into this proctologist’s dream, JLo bumps her 45-year-old ass up against Iggy Azalea’s 5-year-old pure silicone butt implants. You know JLo farted on Iggy’s ass and then rubbed it in at least once. The rest of the video is a seizure inducer and I’m expecting many straight dudes to file a lawsuit against JLo because they tore some of their dick tissue while having a seizure as they tried to jack off to this.
Here’s the entire video which shows you what you get when you mix together a $3 budget, a dirty American Apparel swimsuit, a tub of Crystal Gravy, a strobe light, a wad of chewed gum and Iggy Azalea looking like the buzz she got from the booze and pills she swallowed to get through this mess is starting to wear off.
That is the longest lip balm commercial I’ve ever seen. Since this video is for a song called BOOTY, I thought JLo was going to spread that EOS lip chap on another set of lips. I expected her to add another layer of class to this video by spreading her ass cheeks before smearing that EOS all over her b-hole lips. Hype Williams missed an opportunity. If you’re going to do product placement, do produce placement right.
Here’s Iggy in London today wearing a jacket with sleeves that look like rotten pieces of Brach’s Neapolitan Coconut Sundaes.
Cases of people going to the ER for bleeding ears was up 200% last night, which could only mean one thing: JLo performed live!
Before JLo poked out thousands of eardrums with her raw, natural “singing” voice while performing “Booty” at Fashion Crack Rocks last night, she slathered the red carpet in understated classiness by showing up in some Versace granny panties dress thing that looks like something the hostess of a Solid Gold-themed restaurant on a space station would wear. JLo wanted to show off that dumb ass one-legged jumpsuit dress so she kicked out her leg St. Angie Jolie-style and served up some sexy face that was low on sexy but high on “drunk, cross-eyed grasshopper trying not to pass out.”
The theme of last night’s Fashion Rocks must’ve been Big Asses, because JLo performed with her big ass out, the biggest ass of them all presented and Nicki Minaj’s Cal King waterbed ass punched the eyes of the people in the front row while she performed her butchering of Baby Got Back. The glory hole prince and JLo’s former rent-a-boyfriend Casper Smart choreographed “Anaconda,” which makes sense, because when Nicki sticks her ass out and butt humps the air, it kind of looks like she’s boning a peen sticking out of a glory hole. Casper Smart visited those glory holes in the name of research for his work!
During Nicki’s performance, JLo made this face:
Hollywood Life thinks that JLo is “throwing shade,” but that doesn’t look like shade to me. Bitch’s hair is pulled so damn tight that she physically can’t move her face. That’s what’s going on.
The Walls Of The Celebrity Big Brother House Won’t Be Able To Contain All This Glamour, Star Power And Sophistication For Long
The spit, cum, pigeon shit and half-broken Ikea dowels that hold together the walls of the Celebrity Big Brother UK house are trying to keep it together, but it’s only a matter of time before they completely lose it while trying to contain all the throbbing mega servings of talent, prestige and perfection in there. The Detective La Toya in me thinks this season’s casting decisions are all part of an insurance scheme. Channel 5 knows that if they shove that much status and class into one house, the walls won’t be able to take it for long and they’ll blow right off. Then Channel 5 can collect the studio owners insurance money. I’m on to you, Channel 5.
The 14th season of CBB UK started up again last night and while assembling the cast, Channel 5 and the producers really reached high up into the galaxy to grab the brightest and biggest stars. The all-star A-list cast is led by Gary Busey and it includes the French dew drop from Rock of Love 2 Frenchy, Stephanie Pratt, Kelly Brook’s piece David McIntosh, Edele Lynch from B*witched, Leslie Jordan (Leslie Jordan, has it come to this?!) and a bunch of hos I don’t know.
Do Brits even know who Frenchy is? Whores like me know who Frenchy is, because she’s done pizza porn, Rock of Love 2 and a few other Vh1 shows, but I didn’t think she was known at all in the UK. What am I saying? Of course you Brits know who this jewel of France is. Duchess Kate has said many times that Frenchy, the reincarnation of Marie Antoinette, is her style and beauty icon.
If I had to put my weekly weed money on a winner, I’d put it all on Frenchy. The game will end in less than 10 hours and Frenchy will be the last one standing. Because as soon as she gets completely naked (which she will if she hasn’t already) and reveals her natural goddess body to the house, the houseguests will immediately pass out and will have to be rushed to the hospital to be treated for exposure to potent amounts of sheer beauty. Frenchy for the win!
That’s a headline that’ll make the entire state of Florida shake in fear over their future, because this happened in Louisiana and not in Florida. Florida, Louisiana is coming for your title as America’s foremost producer of fuckery.
The Smoking Gun brings us this story that reads like something straight out of a book of People of Walmart fanfiction. A 25-year-old mother of two named Princess Marks (it’s always a Princess) was arrested after she admitted to cops that she was slurping up her “boyfriend’s” peen in his car while her kids, ages 5 and 7, were left by themselves in her SUV. At 12:30 in the morning on Friday, the cops showed up to a Walmart parking lot in Lake Charles, LA after someone called 911 to report two little kids left in an SUV by themselves. The SUV wasn’t running and all the windows were down. Princess Marks strolled up to her SUV a few minutes later and told the cops that she left her kids by themselves while she sucked her man’s dick and she also admitted that it was kind of impossible to keep an eye on her kids since her face was full of man crotch.
Princess was charged with child desertion and was later released on $5,000 bail. Her kids are being taken care of by family members.
If you’re shaking your head at Princess and saying to yourself that she sucks as a mother and shouldn’t have anymore kids, ask yourself this, don’t you think she knows that? Why do you think she was giving a blow job instead screwing?
Princess has a pair of perfectly sculpted eyebrows, so I should trust all the decisions she makes, but I can’t. If the dude was really her boyfriend and if she was really giving him head, then she needs to dumps his ass immediately, because how can you be with a dude who won’t look out for the cops and check on your kids while you’re licking his peen? That’s a question you should ask during every first date. As soon as you sit down, ask the dude, “If I suck you off in a Walmart parking lot at midnight, are you going to check for the cops and check on my kids in the next car over?” If he looks at you funny or says no, ask the server to pack up your appetizer to go and get out of there. He’s obviously not boyfriend material.
And this story is a PSA to all future parents: This is what happens you name your kid Princess.
The normally timid and reserved Nicki Minaj teased the release of her new single “Anaconda” by posting the artwork to Instagram today, and it truly is an example of refined elegance and chaste beauty. In keeping with the snake theme, Nicki wrapped her butter-basted honey baked silicone butt hams in pink rubber bands to mimic a giant anaconda attempting to swallow an over-inflated PogoBall. It’s a bit subtle, but understated imagery has always been a defining characteristic of her work. While a less-modest woman might have agreed to take a raunchy picture with her legs open or her pussy-out, Nicki decided to keep it classy by coyly turning her coochie away from the camera, as if to say: “Let’s leave a little something to the imagination, shall we?” My goodness, such a tease!
And even though it looks trés gauche next to such a demure lady, it’s a good thing she added the parental advisory warning to the lower right-hand corner, otherwise people might mistake it for an advertisement for a finishing school. Of course, Nicki Minja isn’t always such a tasteful classy woman; sometimes (read: all the fucking time) she’s a shady wig-snatching bitch. Like when she took to Twitter yesterday to take some not-so-subtle swipes at Australian rapper Iggy Azalea.
If Nicki is truly striving for greatness, she should have called a bitch out by name. It’s too easy to Twitter hiss in someone’s general direction; you’ve got to challenge yourself! Don’t be cutting corners, Nicki – continue to strive for cunty greatness! Go for the froat next time!