Actually, this is more like “grandpa issues.”
See, now you know why you keep a stash of moist towelettes from the lunch place your ass orders from in the bottom drawer of your desk. You’re going need them to wipe away this image of the Porn Iguana and a creepy Fred Willard-looking ass skeeze from your eyeballs. It’s the only way to stop the burning.
When Courtney Stodden dropped the human PedoBear Doug Hutchison, she said that she just wanted to be a regular 19-year-old and do regular 19-year-old shit. I thought that meant that she was planning to throw her body on a pile of naked hot pieces covered in drugs. You know, normal 19-year-old shit. (Although, I spent my 19th year on earth hoping to throw my body on a pile of naked hot pieces while trolling for and failing to find available peen on Gay.com.) Well, I guess Courtney’s definition of “regular 19-year-old shit” is injecting foam insulation into her lips, shopping for exquisite lingerie dresses on Hollywood Blvd. and hanging around 53-year-old oldies who always have that “Aren’t you going to finish that drink I made you?” look in their eyes.
The Porn Iguana went to some event in Studio City, CA last night with 53-year-old publicist Edward Lozzi. This all made sense to me when I read that ole’ dude here used to hump on Anna Nicole Smith and Lana Clarkson, the actress that Phil Spector murdered. If Edward has some gold, then I say, work that shovel and dig, bitch, dig. But doing a dude who once did Anna Nicole and Lana Clarkson? That dick is like the bell that summons the Grim Reaper. Run, Porn Iguana, run and while you’re running stop in the nearest plastic surgery clinica to get those red sea tits fixed. There’s not many things that are more tragic than a pair of fighting plastic titty domes who want to be as far away from each other as possible.
On the left is the intergalactic blossom who traveled to earth on an asteroid from Venus and crashed into a diamond mine over 82 years ago, and on the right is the newly free 19-year-old Porn Iguana who is the first ever amphibian to be entirely made up of desperation and siliCON (which is a cheap, non-FDA approved version of Silicone made with various brands of clog removers on a hot plate in a backyard shed somewhere in Van Nuys).
The two elegant and refined peroxide pearls posed next to each other at The Los Angeles Police Protective League Eagle & Badge Foundation’s 12th Anniversary “In The Line Of Duty” Awards on Saturday night. If you didn’t know and I told you that legendary silver screen queen Mamie Van Doren is over 4 times older than the illiterate feminist, you’d probably tell me to switch brains with a turkey since I’ve obviously burnt up whatever is left of my brain. Mamie Van Doren could easily pass for the love child that Courtney Stodden made with an albino angel 19 years ago. The Porn Iguana was truly brave to pose next to an ageless, fresh jewel who makes her look like an expired factory-defected Real Doll.
Mamie is the saint of all saints for graciously posing next to a lesser.
But on a positive note, Courtney has filled her lips with so much filler that her top lip looks like a pair of saggy ass cheeks with a misshapen crack. Having saggy ass cheek lips is a look and it makes sense since shit is always spewing out of her mouth.
After doing some soul-searching in India and Tibet, and finding itself with the help of the Dalai Lama and Demi Moore, The Slut Dress has come back to Hollywood with a new lease on life. The Slut Dress knows that the 90s are back, so it reinvented itself as the dress version of the Showgirls poster. Elegant inspiration for an elegant dress.
The new and improved Slut Dress mades it grand return on the body of maybe Wonder Woman Jaimie Alexander at the premiere of Thor: Dark World in Hollywood last night. Jaimie plays Lady Sif in that shit. The Slut Dress will now make its way through the bodies of Hollywood and it’ll make its final appearance on the body of some low-level Bravo reality shit show (I’m thinking MJ from Shahs of Sunset) star before it ends up wadded-up at the bottom of the last-call bin at the Off 5th outlet in Cabazon. Then it’ll reinvent itself all over again! It’s good to have your ass back, Slut Dress.
Jaimie Alexander is a classy flower to watch, because I’m all about an exquisite trick who steals the spotlight from Loki by letting everyone there know that the only thing separating them from her (NSFWish) smiling shaved snatch is a thin piece of black fabric. Flaunt that ass cheek, bitch, and work it like your Mazda payment is overdue and Sonia from Operación Repo just pulled up behind it.
Here’s some other hos (including Loki, Thor, Anthony Hopkins and Kat Dennings) at last night’s premiere.
I spent my Halloween night getting drunk on white wine from Target and rolling around naked in a pile of unwrapped fun-sized candy bars. All of that sugar must’ve disintegrated the part of my brain that immediately recognizes grace and beauty, because I completely missed these extremely important pictures of CoCo and Ice-T at Heidi Klum’s Halloween party in NYC last night.
Forget all that ridiculousness I said about how Heidi Klum is the Queen of Halloween and blah blah blah blah… CoCo is truly the reigning Queen, Empress, Princess, Duchess and Lady of Halloween, Slutoween, Whoreoween and all of the above. Yes, Heidi Klum spent 45 days in a makeup chair and spend thousands of dollars on her little costume, but did she show up dressed like a slutty T-Rex schoolgirl getting attacked by two net-covered anacondas (or maybe those are sausages in a net)?
CoCo gets all the points minus one. I would’ve given her ALL the points with no minuses, but this needs more camel toe.
I know you spent the last 24 hours pacing the floor in anticipation and wondering when we’d finally get to see the classic American beauty that Pauly D made a baby with. Who would have guessed that his type would be ‘grimy Atlantic City version of Backdoor Farrah’? I know, we’ve all collapsed from shock (or for those of you who’ve had contact with The Situation, Toxic Shock Syndrome). Proving once again that everyone gets to set 15 minutes on the fame whore clock, we have a new extravagant jewel to help us to temporarily forget about the last one that rolled under the couch (Courtney Stodden, you’re fine; stay there till we need you).
Discovering the identity of a crusty piece of trash’s baby mama is kind of like 2013′s version of a Debutante Ball. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m very proud to present to you all Miss Amanda Markert (is it market or marker? WHY NOT BOTH!) Miss Amanda is a proud alumnus of Hooters, a restaurant-slash-finishing school with a long history of producing classy sophisticated women for generations.
From what I’ve gathered in my rudimentary snooping as a slow-version Jessica Fletcher (aka reading TMZ), I can tell you the following:
1. She’s a college student who’s studying Forensics (something that grew out of a two-week TiVo obsession with David Boreanaz in Bones, no doubt)
2. She named Pauly D’s baby Amabella (I can’t I can’t I can’t)
3. She just wants to dress her baby in the finest accessories and costumes. You’re a millionaire, Pauly D: BUY YOUR BABY SOME EFFING COSTUMES ALREADY!
Since stone-cold dum-dums get together and bareback everyday, this shouldn’t really be news. HOWEVER, here’s what makes it juicier than a bottle of hair glue: Pauly D thinks Amanda Markert is an unfit mother because she worked at Hooters and has another child, so he wants full custody of Amabella (I still can’t). I know; a professional record player with Fraggle hair and a Dollar Tree spray tan is now an expert in parenting.
Pauly D needs to man-up and back a dump truck full of DJ Dollars into the driveway of her Egg Harbor, NJ duplex and make this whole mess blow over. The pictures of Rob Kardashian and Brody Jenner on Amanda Markert’s Instagram are very telling; I get the feeling that the longer she goes without child support, the sooner she goes on New Jersey local news to cry about how millionaire DJ Pauly D won’t buy her baby accessories and costumes (Fame Step.1), which then leads to interviews on national news (Fame Step 2.), and that of course leads to the greasy sleaze balls at Vivid knocking on her door with a cartoonishly-large sack of money to star in “I Had Pauly’s D” (Expert Fame Level COMPLETE).
(Pic via Instagram)
So far today, I’ve shat up posts about Kim, Kanye and Pauly D, so obviously we need a palate cleanser to rinse the stank from our retinas and here’s one in the form of beautiful pictures of Harvey Price’s creator and Britain’s answer to Mark Twain, Katie Price, at a photo call in London for Love, Lipstick and Lies, the latest autobiography written by a member of her ghost writing harem. Somewhere, both Zac Efron and Xtina are scratching “Love, Lipstick and Lies” off the list of title possibilities for their memoirs.
While done up like the bachelorette party section of a Party City, Katie Price tried to give us her best sexyface but looked more like she was suffering from smoke inhalation while severely constipated. Several plastic horse dolls were scalped to make Katie’s weave, but they don’t mind, because their polyester manes went to a greater cause. And I know you’re checking Chanel’s site to find out where you can buy that luxuriously exquisite pantyhose catsuit, but sadly for you, you won’t be able to have Katie’s face on your crotch (Side note: Why does she have Pauly D hair?), because it’s custom made.
And after these pictures were taken, Katie mounted that lipstick and fucked the plastic off of it. Expect her to give birth to a litter of plastic lipsticks in 9 months.
521 years ago today, Christopher Columbus, the last person on Earth to discover America, stole the Americas from its native people and if I remember correctly from world history class, he did it because he wanted to win the heart of the most gorgeous woman in the world, the Duchess of Alba (who was 23 at the time). Columbus gave the Americas to the Duchess of Alba as a gift, but she waved that shit away and told him to fuck off, because she doesn’t accept stolen merchandise. That’s how the story went.
And here she is 521 years later looking more stunning and gorgeous than ever. The Duchess of Alba and her boy toy husband Alfonso Diez were guests at the wedding of Maria Colonques, the daughter of a Spanish ceramics mogul, in Villarreal. You might think it’s ridiculous and Kardashian-like to have a red carpet at a wedding, but that red carpet wasn’t for the bride. It was for Duchess of Alba’s entrance. As soon as the Duchess of Alba waved at her subjects, took their breath away with her majestic dandelion beauty (see: the woman on the left) and sashayed into the church, the red carpet was rolled up and the bride had to wobble on in on the pavement.
Here’s more of the Duchess of Alba looking like a stunning Death Eater who disguised herself as fashion professor at Hogwarts to get into the Yule Ball. And soon, landfills all over the world will be filled with millions upon millions of sawed-off heels, because everybody’s going to cut the heels off of their shoes once they see that the Duchess of Alba is wearing flats.
There’s a sewer opening next to the McDonald’s (fitting, I know) sort of near the house where I grew up and when I was a kid, we were told to never ever go into it. My friend’s dad tried to scare us by saying that bad things happened in there and the It Clown probably lived there. But now I know why they didn’t want us to go down there. Because deep down in the sewer is RiRi humping the water while a gutter ass Carol Channing wig sits on top of her head.
Above is the video for RiRi’s 60-year-old song “Pour It Up” and it’s nothing but RiRi being the exquisitely demure blossom she is by letting a ghost piledrive her on her throne (at the 1:44 mark). Somewhere, Miley just stuck out her tongue, pulled out a Sharpie and wrote on it: Note to self – must do yourself up like a Betty Boop clown stripper for at least one video.
And for those of you are who saying that RiRi is thirstier than ever, here’s proof in GIF form that you’re right:
Bitch doesn’t even stop twerking when she leans over to get a nice drink from the water.
(GIF via Tumblr)
That’s actually a trick question. It’s like asking: Which one exudes the most natural elegance? The answer is BOTH!
If the whole “being the most exquisitely stunning porn iguana in the world” thing doesn’t work out for her, Courtney Stodden should join Cirque du Holeil, because she can walk on 12 inch stilts while balancing a pair of 50 pound medicine ball titties. That is talent! As her burn victim clown-looking husband was at home trolling the Internet for his next child bride since the porn iguana is obviously going to leave his ass soon for a European prince who is looking for the next Grace Kelly, she went to SUR in West Hollywood, CA to nibble on wet lettuce as her wrecking ball (Note: Please DO NOT Photoshop a naked Miley on Courtney’s tits, nobody needs that) chichis kept knocking over the salt and pepper on the table.
Just when I think that the porn iguana couldn’t be anymore graceful or demure, she outdoes herself by wearing a luxurious recycling trash bag dress and a spray painted gold bamboo fence choker. And that lip liner! Lip liner is the 9″ hard dick of beauty products. It makes me cry tears of happiness while feeling things.
And these pictures are where elegance goes when it needs inspiration.
I know. Two Miley Cyrus posts in a row. If I post one more, you’ll all forward me your bills for the antibiotic eye drops the doctor will prescribe you at urgent care.
During the day yesterday, the hillbilly chipmunk lizard wore a pair of straitjacket panties and at night, she wore this incredibly elegant Abominable HOMan ensemble during her performance on the iHeart Radio mainstage in Las Vegas. I want to hate the hell out of this outfit, but I can’t, because if you ripped off those black head nipple covers and replaced her boots with exquisite Lucite heels, Miley would be wearing the exact same virginal outfit that Shauna Sand wore to her wedding reception. Hell, this might’ve been Shauna Sand’s First Communion dress!
Those sticky drops of something syrupy dripping down your screen is the elegance oozing out of this picture. Finally, Miley dressed herself like the refined and delicate pearl she truly is. And I don’t think Miley’s winking. Bitch’s left eyeball shut the shade over itself because it was sick of seeing the tip of Miley’s alien lizard tongue.
And as Liam dried his lonely tears on his Mexican piece’s crotch, Miley yodeled out “Wrecking Ball” last night:
Bitch’s live singing voice is like a wrecking ball smashing into my ears.