Isn’t the answer always “THE GREY FLOOR“?
Every amFAR event’s theme is supposed to be “Down With AIDS!“, but last night’s theme was obviously, “What’s AIDS? Look At My Tits!” Miley Cyrus and RiRi obviously heard that memo loud and clear.
I guess Tom Ford has been trolling the “ratchet prom dress” tag on Tumblr, because that’s the only explanation for the clusterfuck of demure sophistication that RiRi had on her body last night. RiRi showed up to the amfAR LA Inspiration Gala Honoring Tom Ford in L.A. last night wearing some messiness Tom Ford designed and the only thing missing is Diana Ross’ hand under her right tit. That dress looks duct tape, an old bed sheet, two Christmas bows and a sheer nursing bra having an awkward orgy and none of them are even close to cumming. An ear-killing, nasally “SHIT!” was heard all through Calabasas today, because Kim Kartrashian will have to find another ensemble to wear to North West’s khristening ceremony.
RiRi’s look is like this season of American Horror Story. It doesn’t make sense and nothing flows together, but yet I can’t stop looking at it. RiRi looks like a rejected Twi’lek dancer who had to make ends meet by selling ass to aliens on the 16th planet of Tau Ceti, but I’m still into it as fugly and busted as it is. Blame it on her nipples looking like they’re barfing up heavy loads of extra chunky sparkles. That’s what unicorn herpes looks like and it’s stunning.
The wind-swept hair. That youthful easy breezy CoverGirl glow. The casual gingham blouse unbuttoned just enough to reveal a hint of sun-kissed décolletage. I know that RuPaul wrote “Supermodel (Of The World)” about herself, but I’m starting to think it’s time she donated it to Bruce Jenner, since he clearly owns the title now.
But she should change the lyrics first, since you don’t have to remind Bruce that he better work – he does that shit without even trying! Proof: Bruce wasn’t even moving when this picture was taken. Heaven’s hottest earth angel doesn’t have to sashay shante to make it look like the wind is gently blowing through his feathered chestnut wings. All Bruce has to do is stand in one spot and his devastating beauty sends out an “I’m here bitch” message into the atmosphere, and the wind comes to him! And Bruce DOESN’T twirl; you only get one angle, and that’s if you’re lucky. Gazing upon Brucie’s beauty is a privilege, not a right!
But for why did the most gorgeous Kardashian decide to bless us with a sight of his ageless face and silky Breck Girl mane? Because he’s a goddamn humanitarian and our eyes were in desperate need of some high-class beauty and sophistication, that’s why! So he decided to put on a chic Land’s End blouse and a pair of diamond studs (how Hamptons of you Brucie) and join his son Brandon Jenner and Brandon’s wife at the Elton John concert in Los Angeles last night. Poor Elton; even with sunglasses on, I bet it was really hard to concentrate on playing the piano with such a shimmering jewel blinding him in the audience.
Here’s more of My Beautiful Bruce looking like the prototype for every Disney Prince ever, and proving he can still werk it Wheaties-style by hurdling over a fence. I wish there was a video of that – I wanna see Bruce’s butt in action! Oh yes honey! Must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake!
When Gold Digging Goes Wrong: Demure British Flower Has A Baby With A Man She Thought Was A Famous Footballer
If you haven’t already, curtsy in front of 24-year-old former escort turned aspiring glamour model (yeah, and I’m an aspiring Pulitzer Prize-winning, best-selling author) Josie Cunningham from England who allegedly got conned by a regular dude she thought was rich, famous footballer Curtis Davies, captain of Hull City. This is why Heather Mills should open up a community college for aspiring gold diggers, because these gold diggers really need to learn useful tips like how to do a thorough background check on a dude before you let him bareback bone an ATM baby into you.
Josie is sort of famous in the UK the way Backdoor Farrah is sort of famous here. This stunning weed plucked out of the garden of Jodie Marsh became a tabloid’s wet dream when she admitted that she got the UK’s National Health Service to pay for her $8,000 tit job and Botox injections by telling them that she was bullied for having a flat chest ever since the age of 14 and suffered from a sweating problem. Well, I guess you really get what you don’t pay for, because that is a section 8 tit job if I ever saw one.
But before I get into Josie’s tragic gold digger fail, let me get into more acts of fame whore foolery she’s pulled.
“What I really want is a music video that can easily be mistaken for a no-budget phone sex commercial that only played on public access in 1994” is what I’m guessing JLo told Hype Williams during their pitch meeting for this mess.
Because JLo and Iggy Azalea aren’t going to let Nicki Minaj be the only trick filling our faces with a whole lot of ASS like our name is Drake, their video for “Booty” is pretty much all booty. About three seconds into this proctologist’s dream, JLo bumps her 45-year-old ass up against Iggy Azalea’s 5-year-old pure silicone butt implants. You know JLo farted on Iggy’s ass and then rubbed it in at least once. The rest of the video is a seizure inducer and I’m expecting many straight dudes to file a lawsuit against JLo because they tore some of their dick tissue while having a seizure as they tried to jack off to this.
Here’s the entire video which shows you what you get when you mix together a $3 budget, a dirty American Apparel swimsuit, a tub of Crystal Gravy, a strobe light, a wad of chewed gum and Iggy Azalea looking like the buzz she got from the booze and pills she swallowed to get through this mess is starting to wear off.
That is the longest lip balm commercial I’ve ever seen. Since this video is for a song called BOOTY, I thought JLo was going to spread that EOS lip chap on another set of lips. I expected her to add another layer of class to this video by spreading her ass cheeks before smearing that EOS all over her b-hole lips. Hype Williams missed an opportunity. If you’re going to do product placement, do produce placement right.
Here’s Iggy in London today wearing a jacket with sleeves that look like rotten pieces of Brach’s Neapolitan Coconut Sundaes.
Cases of people going to the ER for bleeding ears was up 200% last night, which could only mean one thing: JLo performed live!
Before JLo poked out thousands of eardrums with her raw, natural “singing” voice while performing “Booty” at Fashion Crack Rocks last night, she slathered the red carpet in understated classiness by showing up in some Versace granny panties dress thing that looks like something the hostess of a Solid Gold-themed restaurant on a space station would wear. JLo wanted to show off that dumb ass one-legged jumpsuit dress so she kicked out her leg St. Angie Jolie-style and served up some sexy face that was low on sexy but high on “drunk, cross-eyed grasshopper trying not to pass out.”
The theme of last night’s Fashion Rocks must’ve been Big Asses, because JLo performed with her big ass out, the biggest ass of them all presented and Nicki Minaj’s Cal King waterbed ass punched the eyes of the people in the front row while she performed her butchering of Baby Got Back. The glory hole prince and JLo’s former rent-a-boyfriend Casper Smart choreographed “Anaconda,” which makes sense, because when Nicki sticks her ass out and butt humps the air, it kind of looks like she’s boning a peen sticking out of a glory hole. Casper Smart visited those glory holes in the name of research for his work!
During Nicki’s performance, JLo made this face:
Hollywood Life thinks that JLo is “throwing shade,” but that doesn’t look like shade to me. Bitch’s hair is pulled so damn tight that she physically can’t move her face. That’s what’s going on.
That’s a headline that’ll make the entire state of Florida shake in fear over their future, because this happened in Louisiana and not in Florida. Florida, Louisiana is coming for your title as America’s foremost producer of fuckery.
The Smoking Gun brings us this story that reads like something straight out of a book of People of Walmart fanfiction. A 25-year-old mother of two named Princess Marks (it’s always a Princess) was arrested after she admitted to cops that she was slurping up her “boyfriend’s” peen in his car while her kids, ages 5 and 7, were left by themselves in her SUV. At 12:30 in the morning on Friday, the cops showed up to a Walmart parking lot in Lake Charles, LA after someone called 911 to report two little kids left in an SUV by themselves. The SUV wasn’t running and all the windows were down. Princess Marks strolled up to her SUV a few minutes later and told the cops that she left her kids by themselves while she sucked her man’s dick and she also admitted that it was kind of impossible to keep an eye on her kids since her face was full of man crotch.
Princess was charged with child desertion and was later released on $5,000 bail. Her kids are being taken care of by family members.
If you’re shaking your head at Princess and saying to yourself that she sucks as a mother and shouldn’t have anymore kids, ask yourself this, don’t you think she knows that? Why do you think she was giving a blow job instead screwing?
Princess has a pair of perfectly sculpted eyebrows, so I should trust all the decisions she makes, but I can’t. If the dude was really her boyfriend and if she was really giving him head, then she needs to dumps his ass immediately, because how can you be with a dude who won’t look out for the cops and check on your kids while you’re licking his peen? That’s a question you should ask during every first date. As soon as you sit down, ask the dude, “If I suck you off in a Walmart parking lot at midnight, are you going to check for the cops and check on my kids in the next car over?” If he looks at you funny or says no, ask the server to pack up your appetizer to go and get out of there. He’s obviously not boyfriend material.
And this story is a PSA to all future parents: This is what happens you name your kid Princess.
The normally timid and reserved Nicki Minaj teased the release of her new single “Anaconda” by posting the artwork to Instagram today, and it truly is an example of refined elegance and chaste beauty. In keeping with the snake theme, Nicki wrapped her butter-basted honey baked silicone butt hams in pink rubber bands to mimic a giant anaconda attempting to swallow an over-inflated PogoBall. It’s a bit subtle, but understated imagery has always been a defining characteristic of her work. While a less-modest woman might have agreed to take a raunchy picture with her legs open or her pussy-out, Nicki decided to keep it classy by coyly turning her coochie away from the camera, as if to say: “Let’s leave a little something to the imagination, shall we?” My goodness, such a tease!
And even though it looks trés gauche next to such a demure lady, it’s a good thing she added the parental advisory warning to the lower right-hand corner, otherwise people might mistake it for an advertisement for a finishing school. Of course, Nicki Minja isn’t always such a tasteful classy woman; sometimes (read: all the fucking time) she’s a shady wig-snatching bitch. Like when she took to Twitter yesterday to take some not-so-subtle swipes at Australian rapper Iggy Azalea.
If Nicki is truly striving for greatness, she should have called a bitch out by name. It’s too easy to Twitter hiss in someone’s general direction; you’ve got to challenge yourself! Don’t be cutting corners, Nicki – continue to strive for cunty greatness! Go for the froat next time!
It’s been approximately 134 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes, 5 seconds and 12 milliseconds since I’ve posted about the pristine drew drop gracefully sitting on Hollywood’s petal, Courtney Stodden, and I know all of our dehydrated eyeballs have been parched for a taste of her all-natural grace and raw amphibian beauty. (By the way, all-natural grace and raw amphibian beauty tastes like old man ball sweat, lead-based car paint, expired candle wax, watermelon kiwi butt lube and foam insulation.) Well, the Porn Iguana FINALLY came out of hiding (Question: Can you go into hiding when nobody’s really checking for you?) today to do charitable work like the Mother Theresa of fame whores that she is. Courtney wrapped her signature lettuce bikini around her non-LEED certified plastic titty balls to pass out veggie hot dogs for PETA on Capitol Hill in DC. Salmonella has never looked so elegant.
It’s good that the Porn Iguana is spending time in the city she’ll live in one day since she’s obviously going to be President or some shit. The Porn Iguana isn’t only in DC to suck off a veggie dog in front of a camera and call it charity, she’s also there to make political contacts. And by “make political contacts” I mean she’ll let the janitor of a junior senator’s office titty fuck her in the bathroom of the IHOP on 14th. You have to get your political start somewhere and I’m pretty sure all of our Presidents started out like that.
Stop shaking your heads “hell yes,” John Traavolta and Parasite Hilton. You’re not part of this discussion. The class already knows that you’ll do it for free.
The Daily Mail, where I get all my blow job orgy news from, says that Mayor Manuel Onieva has launched an investigation into a video of a tourist, who is reportedly from Britain, sucking on 24 peens during a sex game in a bar on the Spanish resort town of Magaluf. The video went viral today and I don’t think that’s the only thing that went viral. In the video (there’s a semi-censored NSFW version here), the chick puts a peen in her mouth, barely sucks it for a millisecond, jumps to the next one, does the same thing and so and so on. Chick is a speed sucker and it feels like she goes through 10 dicks in 30 seconds. It’s like watching the Energizer Bunny on meth being the pass-around-patty at a blowjobs-only sex party. Apparently, this sort of thing isn’t uncommon in Magaluf. Many bars host sex parties where they get chicks to do sex stuff on dudes as the crowd and DJ cheers them on. Mayor Onieva says that “mamading” parties (“mamada” means beej in Spanish, basically) are illegal and the bar could get into trouble.
The Daily Mail also says that after putting 24 strange dicks in her mouth, the chick got a bottle of cava worth 3 euros. Okay….
If she was just really in the mood to suck on 24 floppy and semi-soft peens that she didn’t wash beforehand and it wasn’t about a prize, then I say, you do you (and those 24 peens), bitch. I am not judging her for that at all, because who hasn’t been in a bar and thought to themselves, “I just really want to suck off everybody in here.” Just me? Okay, then. But if she was doing it for a $4 bottle of cava, then I need to ask, how bad is the economy in Britain? Has it really come to that? She should’ve at least aimed for a drink a dick. Or since she might’ve put a little HPV, herpes, gonorrhea and chlamydia on her tongue while she was sucking off all those strangers, the bar could’ve at least thrown in a bottle of sparkling antibiotics.
Sucking off 24 dudes for a bottle of $4 cava is the definition of “she don’t love herself.” I mean, that’s like sucking off 24 dudes for a bottle of Strawberry Hill. Hmmm, since I put it that way….
I really wish that after she blew the last dude on the blow job train, she jumped up and screamed, “I’ve got a cold sore! Joke’s on all of you skanks!”
And if you need the answer to my headline question, then you really don’t know me.
RiRi knows that it’s been approximately 45 seconds since we’ve seen her alien nipples and that’s way too long, so she brought the #FREETHENIPPLE movement to the CFDA Awards in NYC tonight by wearing tons of fucking sparkles, a stole made out of Poochie and not much else. Bitch is giving me headline stripper Josephine Baker. I love it, because it’s an elegant ensemble that can easily take you from the stroll to cocktails with THE QUEEN, it’s covered in crystals (and my gay eyes jizz for crystals) and she almost reached the high levels of demureness and sophistication that Rose McGowan reached at the VMAs a million years ago.
And Miley Cyrus has been challenged. Expect Miley to show up to the Frederick’s of Hollywood Awards held in the parking lot of a strip mall in Florida wearing nothing but exquisite Lucite heels and a beaded tampon string hanging out of her twat.