Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.
Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.
But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.
Nicki Minaj bumped fuck parts with that Safaree Samuels for at least ten million years (or 11 years, which is practically ten million years in famous ho years) and when they broke up for good last year she wasted no time in jumping on new full-time dick. Nicki apparently got on rapper Meek Mill sometime in January and now it looks like they’re already promised to be married. The dangers of rebound dick. Sometimes a new dick fucks with your head and has got you making rash decisions. And sometimes new dick gives you an actual rash, but that’s a discussion for another time….
Nicki pulled a subtle STUNT QUEEN move on Tuesday night when she Instagrammed a picture of a gigantic ring sitting on her finger while she posed next to Meek in Miami. Just like she wanted, her fans started screaming about the ring and so she Instagrammed an up-close portrait of it. Usually when you see a ring like that on Instagram, the caption next to it reads: “Look at what came out of my Diamond Candle!” But some source tells E! that’s her actual engagement ring, because she’s actually engaged.
“Both Meek and Nicki have been spending amazing quality time together lately and have gotten extremely close these past few months. It may seem like it all is happening very quickly but Nicki and Meek are in this 100. They truly love each other.”
If Meek Mill truly loved Nicki, he’d tell her, “Um, I love you, but that engagement ring you bought for yourself looks like something a 10-year-old girl on a sugar high would post on Pinterest as her ‘dream ring.‘” Nicki Minaj saw Lady CaCa’s heart-shaped diamond ring and raised it to horrifying levels of tacky and trashy. And I expect nothing less and I’d be disappointed if her ring didn’t look like a Lisa Frank unicorn’s kidney stone. It looks like some shit from the My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding Jewelry Collection by Claire’s. She totally disemboweled a Sweet Secret for that ring. But bitch is Nicki Minaj. I expect next level tacky from her.
A jewelry expert tells E! that they believe that ring cost $500,000. Yeah, half a million dollars. The Cracker Jack box it came in better be made of pure fucking gold.
And judging by those prostate-stabbing nails, I guess Meek Mill doesn’t let Nicki’s fingers go to his butt hole town. Or maybe he does and likes it’s extra, extra rough.
Here’s Nicki performing in Birmingham, England a couple of weeks ago.
Not that it’s ever left. Last year, Kummy Kakes broke eyeballs when she served her greased-up, triple-stuffed Turducken ass on the cover of Paper Magazine, so you might have thought that maybe just maybe she’d do shit differently this year, but of course she’s not. Kim Kartrashian tried to fend of Kendull Jenner as Pimp Mama Kris’ newest prized heifer by doing the doody bubble pose in Love Magazine. I know, it’s about as edgy as an overused pair of safety scissors.
I was planning on having Juan Pollo for dinner tonight, but not anymore, because Kim’s legs look like two stumpy raw drumsticks in school girl socks. That picture is a whole lot of NOPE. It kind of surprises me to say that, because usually I’d scream “ELEGANCE!” while looking at a portrait of a centaur Hobbit hooker with no brows bending over in a dark alley while waiting for her next john to take his pants off.
But on a positive note, here’s another picture from the spread and this is her best picture of all-time.
That lady in the front making a “Fuck this shit, where’s the open bar?” face is all of us.
At the St. Rose of Lima Catholic church in East Hanover, NJ yesterday, history was made when an Ewok married a juicehead gorilla. It was a major event for interspecies marriage activists. 27-year-old Snooki married her 27-year-old two-time baby father Jionni LaValle in a Catholic church while wearing white. So that rumble you heard yesterday wasn’t only from your stomach continuing to die a slow death after being filled with Stove Top and gallons of the sweet nectar. That rumble was also the sound of a thousand Catholic abuelitas collapsing to the floor from the ESCANDALOSONESS of it all.
UsWeekly says that the Chilean Ewok’s bridesmaids party included elegant Thundercat JWoww and Danny DeVito impersonator Deena Cortese. Pauly D was also there, but who knows about the other Jersey Shore messes. UsWeekly also says that Snooki wore two gowns, one of which looked like something straight out of Say Fuck No To The Dress. It’s a bridal nightmare that made her look like an Ewok mermaid drowning in a swamp of merengue.
Snooki and Jionni’s reception went down at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ and it was a Great Gatsby theme. I wonder how many times Snooki screamed, “No, you fricken moron, Great Gatsby is that Leonardo DiCaprio movie! It’s not a book!” after someone said to her, “Oh, I didn’t know you were a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s book.” I know, nobody said that to her. We all know she can’t read.
But seriously, who knew that Snooki would turn out to be the normal, stable and semi-sane one from Jersey Shore. It seemed like it was just yesterday when she was pissing on the floor of a bar. Now she’s all grown up and marrying her future ex-husband in front of MTV’s cameras (Snooki can’t take a shit without them, so I’m guessing they were there). Fame whores usually never grow up, so it’s shocking when one does.
And since you can never have too much grace and sophistication in one post, here’s what Snooki’s bridal heels looked like:
There’s really something poetic about Snooki getting married in shoes that look like bedazzled mold.
Isn’t the answer always “THE GREY FLOOR“?
Every amFAR event’s theme is supposed to be “Down With AIDS!“, but last night’s theme was obviously, “What’s AIDS? Look At My Tits!” Miley Cyrus and RiRi obviously heard that memo loud and clear.
I guess Tom Ford has been trolling the “ratchet prom dress” tag on Tumblr, because that’s the only explanation for the clusterfuck of demure sophistication that RiRi had on her body last night. RiRi showed up to the amfAR LA Inspiration Gala Honoring Tom Ford in L.A. last night wearing some messiness Tom Ford designed and the only thing missing is Diana Ross’ hand under her right tit. That dress looks duct tape, an old bed sheet, two Christmas bows and a sheer nursing bra having an awkward orgy and none of them are even close to cumming. An ear-killing, nasally “SHIT!” was heard all through Calabasas today, because Kim Kartrashian will have to find another ensemble to wear to North West’s khristening ceremony.
RiRi’s look is like this season of American Horror Story. It doesn’t make sense and nothing flows together, but yet I can’t stop looking at it. RiRi looks like a rejected Twi’lek dancer who had to make ends meet by selling ass to aliens on the 16th planet of Tau Ceti, but I’m still into it as fugly and busted as it is. Blame it on her nipples looking like they’re barfing up heavy loads of extra chunky sparkles. That’s what unicorn herpes looks like and it’s stunning.
In news that will make you rethink your every-decision-you’ve-made-since-fucking-junior-high-school, the Daily Mail says there’s an now ex teacher’s assistant in Florida who is single handedly turning around her state’s reputation for bad decision making by dropping her boring TA job to drop her booty in a much more lucrative T&A career full time. Twenty two year old Jessica “Two First Names” Vanessa turned her sensible suits in for satin booty shorts and now bitch is getting PAID to twerk it (That’s why it’s called tWORKING bitches – Jessica). In related news, why the fuck did I take the colleges? I want a refund.
If you thought that Miley Cyrus killed twerking by humiliating it before setting fire to it and spinning out on its face with a camouflage paint jobbed 4-wheeler, watch the video and let Jessica’s mesmerizing ass moves restore your faith and take you up and away from that sadness. Her ass is like the Mozart of Twerk. It undulates, it goes back and forth, it goes up and down, side to side, and in and out. It’s the Hokey Pokey of ass. It’s part waterbed and part clacker and completely awesome.
Some people have tried slut shaming Jessica and girl, forget those jealous bitches. They’re just mad that they didn’t pick shaking it over Excel spreadsheets. Jessica says that she didn’t have to be an ex math teacher’s assistant to understand that 6 seconds of work > 4 months for the same pay. Thank you for making us all re-evaluate our careers and teaching us to understand that maximizing on our unique as(s)ets is the way to go.
The wind-swept hair. That youthful easy breezy CoverGirl glow. The casual gingham blouse unbuttoned just enough to reveal a hint of sun-kissed décolletage. I know that RuPaul wrote “Supermodel (Of The World)” about herself, but I’m starting to think it’s time she donated it to Bruce Jenner, since he clearly owns the title now.
But she should change the lyrics first, since you don’t have to remind Bruce that he better work – he does that shit without even trying! Proof: Bruce wasn’t even moving when this picture was taken. Heaven’s hottest earth angel doesn’t have to sashay shante to make it look like the wind is gently blowing through his feathered chestnut wings. All Bruce has to do is stand in one spot and his devastating beauty sends out an “I’m here bitch” message into the atmosphere, and the wind comes to him! And Bruce DOESN’T twirl; you only get one angle, and that’s if you’re lucky. Gazing upon Brucie’s beauty is a privilege, not a right!
But for why did the most gorgeous Kardashian decide to bless us with a sight of his ageless face and silky Breck Girl mane? Because he’s a goddamn humanitarian and our eyes were in desperate need of some high-class beauty and sophistication, that’s why! So he decided to put on a chic Land’s End blouse and a pair of diamond studs (how Hamptons of you Brucie) and join his son Brandon Jenner and Brandon’s wife at the Elton John concert in Los Angeles last night. Poor Elton; even with sunglasses on, I bet it was really hard to concentrate on playing the piano with such a shimmering jewel blinding him in the audience.
Here’s more of My Beautiful Bruce looking like the prototype for every Disney Prince ever, and proving he can still werk it Wheaties-style by hurdling over a fence. I wish there was a video of that – I wanna see Bruce’s butt in action! Oh yes honey! Must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake!
When Gold Digging Goes Wrong: Demure British Flower Has A Baby With A Man She Thought Was A Famous Footballer
If you haven’t already, curtsy in front of 24-year-old former escort turned aspiring glamour model (yeah, and I’m an aspiring Pulitzer Prize-winning, best-selling author) Josie Cunningham from England who allegedly got conned by a regular dude she thought was rich, famous footballer Curtis Davies, captain of Hull City. This is why Heather Mills should open up a community college for aspiring gold diggers, because these gold diggers really need to learn useful tips like how to do a thorough background check on a dude before you let him bareback bone an ATM baby into you.
Josie is sort of famous in the UK the way Backdoor Farrah is sort of famous here. This stunning weed plucked out of the garden of Jodie Marsh became a tabloid’s wet dream when she admitted that she got the UK’s National Health Service to pay for her $8,000 tit job and Botox injections by telling them that she was bullied for having a flat chest ever since the age of 14 and suffered from a sweating problem. Well, I guess you really get what you don’t pay for, because that is a section 8 tit job if I ever saw one.
But before I get into Josie’s tragic gold digger fail, let me get into more acts of fame whore foolery she’s pulled.
“What I really want is a music video that can easily be mistaken for a no-budget phone sex commercial that only played on public access in 1994” is what I’m guessing JLo told Hype Williams during their pitch meeting for this mess.
Because JLo and Iggy Azalea aren’t going to let Nicki Minaj be the only trick filling our faces with a whole lot of ASS like our name is Drake, their video for “Booty” is pretty much all booty. About three seconds into this proctologist’s dream, JLo bumps her 45-year-old ass up against Iggy Azalea’s 5-year-old pure silicone butt implants. You know JLo farted on Iggy’s ass and then rubbed it in at least once. The rest of the video is a seizure inducer and I’m expecting many straight dudes to file a lawsuit against JLo because they tore some of their dick tissue while having a seizure as they tried to jack off to this.
Here’s the entire video which shows you what you get when you mix together a $3 budget, a dirty American Apparel swimsuit, a tub of Crystal Gravy, a strobe light, a wad of chewed gum and Iggy Azalea looking like the buzz she got from the booze and pills she swallowed to get through this mess is starting to wear off.
That is the longest lip balm commercial I’ve ever seen. Since this video is for a song called BOOTY, I thought JLo was going to spread that EOS lip chap on another set of lips. I expected her to add another layer of class to this video by spreading her ass cheeks before smearing that EOS all over her b-hole lips. Hype Williams missed an opportunity. If you’re going to do product placement, do produce placement right.
Here’s Iggy in London today wearing a jacket with sleeves that look like rotten pieces of Brach’s Neapolitan Coconut Sundaes.
Cases of people going to the ER for bleeding ears was up 200% last night, which could only mean one thing: JLo performed live!
Before JLo poked out thousands of eardrums with her raw, natural “singing” voice while performing “Booty” at Fashion Crack Rocks last night, she slathered the red carpet in understated classiness by showing up in some Versace granny panties dress thing that looks like something the hostess of a Solid Gold-themed restaurant on a space station would wear. JLo wanted to show off that dumb ass one-legged jumpsuit dress so she kicked out her leg St. Angie Jolie-style and served up some sexy face that was low on sexy but high on “drunk, cross-eyed grasshopper trying not to pass out.”
The theme of last night’s Fashion Rocks must’ve been Big Asses, because JLo performed with her big ass out, the biggest ass of them all presented and Nicki Minaj’s Cal King waterbed ass punched the eyes of the people in the front row while she performed her butchering of Baby Got Back. The glory hole prince and JLo’s former rent-a-boyfriend Casper Smart choreographed “Anaconda,” which makes sense, because when Nicki sticks her ass out and butt humps the air, it kind of looks like she’s boning a peen sticking out of a glory hole. Casper Smart visited those glory holes in the name of research for his work!
During Nicki’s performance, JLo made this face:
Hollywood Life thinks that JLo is “throwing shade,” but that doesn’t look like shade to me. Bitch’s hair is pulled so damn tight that she physically can’t move her face. That’s what’s going on.