If Jane Child and an extra slow, huffing-addicted Predator had a toilet baby and that toilet baby grew up to star in a low-budget porn parody of Barbarella, it would look like the hillbilly chipmunk at tonight’s MTV VMAs.
Miley Cyrus, who is putting the HO in host tonight, showed up to the VMAs looking like a morning-shift prostitution whore-ah in the Battlefield Earth universe. Kelly Preston is probably sitting next to John Travolta and wondering why his ass area is putting out sounds that sound like a puppy licking its mouth after eating peanut butter. Oh, it’s just John’s b-hole puckering from seeing Miley done up like an extravagant Scientology whore.
And if Billy Ray Cyrus gets drunk enough tonight, he’s totally going to sing “Phantom of the Opera” while pretending that the chandelier covering Miley’s crotch is hitting him. Yes, I just showed my theater queen-self with that line.
Something called the World Go Topless Parade happened in Venice Beach, CA on Sunday and when you throw an event in L.A. with the word “topless” in it, you can expect international supermodel and timeless beauty Phoebe Price to magically drop from the sky and grace it with her gorgeous presence. An event with the word “topless” in it is her bat signal.
After Chicken Cutlets became a living floral float of ginger perfection in the World Go Topless Parade, she gave a WORLD EXCLUSIVE photo shoot to the paparazzo she called. Ron Howard probably wishes he would’ve waited 30 years to make Splash, because Daryl Hannah truly can’t hold a candle, match, lighthouse, etc to PP as a mermaid. While working elegant mermaid bell bottoms and a 99 Cent Store plastic shell bra (or maybe those are paper plates she pulled out of a trash can), PP gave the camera some Chicken Cutlets of the Sea demureness. You can’t tell from these pictures, but several ships crashed into sandbars that day, because PP’s ethereal mermaid beauty lured the sailors in.
If Disney ever gets around to making the live-action Little Mermaid, they have found their star! Although, they’ll have to add a scene that explains why Ariel licks all the thingamabobs in her cave like they’re peens and why she has a pap following her around instead of a crab.
Here’s more pictures of PP displaying beach beauty and split freckled ass cakes.
George and Amal Clooney continued to show the world that they’re the GREATEST COUPLE WHO EVER EXISTED by getting into a good old-fashioned staged canoodling session in front of a photographer at a party for his tequila brand in Ibiza, Spain last night. I’m going to choose to believe that the dude in the black shirt on the right witnessed their love-in-motion earlier in the day and was so inspired that he immediately ran out and got that Amal Clooney tattoo on his arm. (He’ll add the George Clooney tattoo later.)
George and Amal were in Ibiza with Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber over the weekend to whore out their Casamigos tequila. Last night, they threw a launch party at the Ushuaia Ibiza Beach Hotel. You know, Vanity Fair recently put Amal Clooney on their best dressed list and I didn’t see it at all until my eyes landed on these pictures of her wearing a $2,400 dress that looks like it came directly from the closet of Nomi Malone. I love that dress, because it’s gold, sparkly, looks like it was bought from the clearance rack of a Joyce Leslie in New Jersey and would fit in anywhere from the ho stroll in Atlantic City to a Studio 54-theme night at a club in Reno. Those white panties under that slightly see-through dress was a nice, elegant touch too. More of this, Amal! I also love that George Clooney didn’t even try.
And somewhere, Sarah Larson is thinking to herself, “She looks like a cheap cocktail waitress at a bottom level Las Vegas casino. George totally misses me.”
What better way is there to end this day of celebration than with a human crystal flute full of sparkling natural beauty and exquisite sophistication?
The name “Samantha Hoopes” (pronounced: WHO?!) probably means as much to you as birth control means to bareback queen Bristol Palin. But believe it or not, Samantha Hoopes is not Duchess Kate’s personal stylist who keeps Prince William’s wife slathered in ladylike refinement. Samantha Hoopes is a Sports Illustrated/Carl’s Jr. model who was a shiny jewel of glamour in a sea of meh (see: Amber Heard) at yesterday’s Magic Mike XXL premiere in Hollywood.
Samantha wore a beautifully made gown from the House of Ho Shit that made her totally organic chest globes look like giant billiard balls straight from heaven’s pool table. I’m going to choose to believe that Samantha’s shoes are gold Lucite platform heels, because she’s obviously the kind of style icon who knows that no elegant ensemble is complete until you’ve slipped into a pair of Shauna Sand originals. If Samantha wore that look to the Met Gala, the floor of that museum would’ve been covered in silicone and weaves, because Beyonce and Kim Kardashian would’ve melted after seeing a golden goddess do it a billion times better than them. That dress is very AVN Awards trophy girl and nothing is more classic than that.
I also heard that as soon as the pro-life protesters saw Samantha on the black carpet, they dropped their signs and vowed to devote all their time to worshiping her.
And if you’re not immediately blinded by the sight of grace personified, here’s more pictures from the Magic Mike XXL premiere including some of Matt Boner and Adam Rodriguez who both wore clothes for some weird, unnatural reason.
Passengers on an easyJet flight that landed at London Luton airport overdosed on potent amounts of elegance, class and gentility yesterday when they watched a 41-year-old supermodel call the pilot a “basic bitch” as her drunk ass was dragged off of the plane for screaming about wanting a damn drink and pouring herself her own drink from a bottle of vodka she had in her luggage. One passenger was overheard saying, “It’s like I’m in an episode of Downton Fucking Abbey,” while watching Kate Moss bust into a vodka rage before getting kicked off of a budget airline.
Now that plans for Iggy Azalea’s first arena tour have been balled up and thrown into the dumpster, she may have a little free time to plan a wedding, so last night she took the first step to becoming a future cast member of Basketball Wives: L.A. by getting engaged to a Laker.
Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.
Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.
But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.
Nicki Minaj bumped fuck parts with that Safaree Samuels for at least ten million years (or 11 years, which is practically ten million years in famous ho years) and when they broke up for good last year she wasted no time in jumping on new full-time dick. Nicki apparently got on rapper Meek Mill sometime in January and now it looks like they’re already promised to be married. The dangers of rebound dick. Sometimes a new dick fucks with your head and has got you making rash decisions. And sometimes new dick gives you an actual rash, but that’s a discussion for another time….
Nicki pulled a subtle STUNT QUEEN move on Tuesday night when she Instagrammed a picture of a gigantic ring sitting on her finger while she posed next to Meek in Miami. Just like she wanted, her fans started screaming about the ring and so she Instagrammed an up-close portrait of it. Usually when you see a ring like that on Instagram, the caption next to it reads: “Look at what came out of my Diamond Candle!” But some source tells E! that’s her actual engagement ring, because she’s actually engaged.
“Both Meek and Nicki have been spending amazing quality time together lately and have gotten extremely close these past few months. It may seem like it all is happening very quickly but Nicki and Meek are in this 100. They truly love each other.”
If Meek Mill truly loved Nicki, he’d tell her, “Um, I love you, but that engagement ring you bought for yourself looks like something a 10-year-old girl on a sugar high would post on Pinterest as her ‘dream ring.‘” Nicki Minaj saw Lady CaCa’s heart-shaped diamond ring and raised it to horrifying levels of tacky and trashy. And I expect nothing less and I’d be disappointed if her ring didn’t look like a Lisa Frank unicorn’s kidney stone. It looks like some shit from the My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding Jewelry Collection by Claire’s. She totally disemboweled a Sweet Secret for that ring. But bitch is Nicki Minaj. I expect next level tacky from her.
A jewelry expert tells E! that they believe that ring cost $500,000. Yeah, half a million dollars. The Cracker Jack box it came in better be made of pure fucking gold.
And judging by those prostate-stabbing nails, I guess Meek Mill doesn’t let Nicki’s fingers go to his butt hole town. Or maybe he does and likes it’s extra, extra rough.
Here’s Nicki performing in Birmingham, England a couple of weeks ago.
Not that it’s ever left. Last year, Kummy Kakes broke eyeballs when she served her greased-up, triple-stuffed Turducken ass on the cover of Paper Magazine, so you might have thought that maybe just maybe she’d do shit differently this year, but of course she’s not. Kim Kartrashian tried to fend of Kendull Jenner as Pimp Mama Kris’ newest prized heifer by doing the doody bubble pose in Love Magazine. I know, it’s about as edgy as an overused pair of safety scissors.
I was planning on having Juan Pollo for dinner tonight, but not anymore, because Kim’s legs look like two stumpy raw drumsticks in school girl socks. That picture is a whole lot of NOPE. It kind of surprises me to say that, because usually I’d scream “ELEGANCE!” while looking at a portrait of a centaur Hobbit hooker with no brows bending over in a dark alley while waiting for her next john to take his pants off.
But on a positive note, here’s another picture from the spread and this is her best picture of all-time.
That lady in the front making a “Fuck this shit, where’s the open bar?” face is all of us.
At the St. Rose of Lima Catholic church in East Hanover, NJ yesterday, history was made when an Ewok married a juicehead gorilla. It was a major event for interspecies marriage activists. 27-year-old Snooki married her 27-year-old two-time baby father Jionni LaValle in a Catholic church while wearing white. So that rumble you heard yesterday wasn’t only from your stomach continuing to die a slow death after being filled with Stove Top and gallons of the sweet nectar. That rumble was also the sound of a thousand Catholic abuelitas collapsing to the floor from the ESCANDALOSONESS of it all.
UsWeekly says that the Chilean Ewok’s bridesmaids party included elegant Thundercat JWoww and Danny DeVito impersonator Deena Cortese. Pauly D was also there, but who knows about the other Jersey Shore messes. UsWeekly also says that Snooki wore two gowns, one of which looked like something straight out of Say Fuck No To The Dress. It’s a bridal nightmare that made her look like an Ewok mermaid drowning in a swamp of merengue.
Snooki and Jionni’s reception went down at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ and it was a Great Gatsby theme. I wonder how many times Snooki screamed, “No, you fricken moron, Great Gatsby is that Leonardo DiCaprio movie! It’s not a book!” after someone said to her, “Oh, I didn’t know you were a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s book.” I know, nobody said that to her. We all know she can’t read.
But seriously, who knew that Snooki would turn out to be the normal, stable and semi-sane one from Jersey Shore. It seemed like it was just yesterday when she was pissing on the floor of a bar. Now she’s all grown up and marrying her future ex-husband in front of MTV’s cameras (Snooki can’t take a shit without them, so I’m guessing they were there). Fame whores usually never grow up, so it’s shocking when one does.
And since you can never have too much grace and sophistication in one post, here’s what Snooki’s bridal heels looked like:
There’s really something poetic about Snooki getting married in shoes that look like bedazzled mold.