Calling all fashion blogs! Calling all fashion blogs! You can go ahead and shut down and take the rest of the week off, because no look will outdo the opulent and genteel ensemble that Mimi wore to the NBC Universal Upfronts in NYC today. I don’t know if that outfit looks like it came out of a package marked “Stereotypical Hooker Costume” or a package marked “Stereotypical Rock of Love Ho Costume.” You’re right, a stereotypical hooker and a stereotypical Rock of Love ho are the same thing. But seriously, I love how Mimi is so rich that she queefs up diamond dust and she’s engaged to an Australian woodland giant who butt burps out gold bars, and yet she still looks like she buys her dresses with wadded-up bills at a “cash only” hooker clothing store in a strip mall on the outskirts of Las Vegas. I am telling no jokes when I say that nothing says elegance like “my purse is full of nut rags.”
The Hello Kitty Unicornie Rainbow One was at the NBC Upfronts today to push Mariah’s World, her 8-episode E! “docu-series.” (“Docu-series” is reality TV’s equally-as-trashy, but snobby, cousin whose name is Andrea and she gets really mad when you pronounce it “Ann-Dree-Uh” instead of “Ahn-Dree-Uh.“) As was announced a couple of months ago, Mariah’s World will follow the decadent butterfly as she travels through Europe with her tour and plans her wedding to Dr. Frankenstein’s richest monster. The trailer was also released today and it shows Mimi telling us that fluorescent lighting is her kryptonite, Mimi talking with that manager everyone hates and Mimi walking down stairs by herself. E! must have spent most of the budget on CGI’ing Mimi’s face on a stunt double’s body, because the real Mimi doesn’t do stairs.
I don’t know, maybe E! is saving the good shit for the actual show. I was hoping for an extra long version of Mimi’s legendary Cribs episode. Where is the scene where Mimi goes into the bathtub while wearing a towel? Where is the scene where she pulls her dog out of the dryer? Actually, Mimi is marrying a billionaire, so she doesn’t dry her dog in the dryer like a peon. She makes her dogs’ assistants take them to be dry cleaned.
And here’s more of Mimi dripping in ho stroll glamour, and pictures of her and James Packer at the GLAAD Awards on Saturday night.
Catherine Scalia, a hot dog water-covered rose of Long Island, was a Hot Slut of the Day in 2012, because she truly embodied everything that’s great about this country. We’re known for our natural beauties, entrepreneurial spirit, hot dogs and well-priced hand jobs. Catherine Scalia (no relation to Antonin, I think) became known as The Hot Dog Hooker when an undercover cop arrested her after she tried to sell him a wiener massage in the truck she sold hot dogs out of. It was a sad moment in the history of this country, because if you can’t sell a hand job in a hot dog truck in America, where can you? The Hot Dog Hooker later pleaded guilty to the charge. Being one of this country’s most promising entrepreneurs landed her on the cover of Forbes Magazine. Or maybe it was Whores Magazine. I get those two confused all the time. Well, one of my favorite American business women is baaaaaaack and is up to new tricks!
Fios1 says that The Hot Dog Hooker’s prude ass neighbors in East Rockaway, NY are trying to kill another one of her genius business ventures. The Hot Dog Hooker (or “The Hot Dog Honey” as she prefers to be called) has got a pillow with the words “Topless Lap Dance” written in red marker lying on a swing in her front yard and her neighbors say it’s trashing up the neighborhood. Some of the more dramatic neighbors claim they can’t sell their houses because of it. The Hot Dog Honey’s lap dance pillow billboard (that kind of looks like it was written by the kid in The Shining) looks like this:
It’s perfection. I’d be happy to have a work of elegant art like that in my neighborhood. But The Hot Dog Honey’s neighbor’s want it gone. One neighbor claims that she had a similar sign on her house and he had to use a ladder to get it down. Another neighbor is disgusted and is afraid her kids are going to see it. Their complaints to the city led to officials dropping a warning in her lap. They warned her that if she doesn’t remove her pillowy lap dance sign, they’ll drag her to court. The Hot Dog Honey doesn’t know what the problem is. It’s just an arm rest and she’s lived in that house since birth and nobody’s bothered her before.
“It’s an arm rest! It’s just, something I wrote. I’ve been here 50 years, okay. My neighbors know me for 50 years. I’m 50 years old, okay. My neighbors know me for 50 years. Nobody has a problem with me.”
The Hot Dog Honey did add that, yeah, she gives lap dances, but it’s really just belly dancing and she does it for a donation!
When are all of these bitches going to stop messing with The Hot Dog Honey’s impeccable ho game? First, the hating cops ruined her brilliant hot dogs ‘n hand jobs business. And now her hating neighbors are trying to ruin her at-home lap dance empire? They should be holding her up as the ho shit hero she is! The Hot Dog Honey is a more honorable business person than a certain hemorrhoid who is currently the front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination. And yes, that is my way of saying that The Hot Dog Honey should be president. Nothing would make me squirt out a tear of American pride like seeing a pillow advertising for topless lap dances on the front lawn of the White House.
The local news report about The Hot Dog Honey is after the cut. Warning: It auto-plays and if that doesn’t kill you, the charisma and grace of The Hot Dog Hooker will!
There must have been some highly-skilled photographers at last night’s 2016 G’Day Los Angeles Gala, because it’s amazing that they were able to get such clear shots of Mimi’s tiny, little 35-carat $10 million engagement ring. I mean, she was obviously shy about showing it and it’s not like with every pose she struck, she made sure that every single photographer there got as many shots of it as possible. So kudos to those photographers for capturing such a rare moment!
The ethereal Wuzzle and James Packer got engaged a little over a week ago, and during the last 7 days she’s probably been holed up in her bedroom where she’s been cuddling with and making beautiful love to her true soulmate. No, not Billionaire Shrek. That ring! Mimi obviously loves that ring so much that if it had a butthole and asked her to play with it, she’d suck her finger wet and gladly go in. Mimi and that ring may be the greatest love story of our time.
I also love that she wore a sparkly black dress, because it makes her ring look like a giant planet of elegance floating in the middle of the galaxy. And don’t you dare throw hate at Mimi’s busted manicure situation. There’s a very good explanation for that. Now that she’s engaged to a billionaire, she only has her nails filled in with pink dolphin jizz and crushed-up diamonds. Mimi’s pink dolphin is obviously taking a while to cum, but she’ll have her nails filled in right after he does!
Coco and Ice-T’s daughter Chanel Nicole has been alive for about 30 seconds, but yet she’s well on her way to becoming the greatest Instagram model of all-time!
Since Anna Wintour and the other top fashion magazine editors of the world have been begging to see Chanel Nicole’s modeling book, Coco put her in her first photoshoot yesterday. Coco posted some of the pictures from Chanel Nicole’s first photoshoot on Instagram and it’s very Anne Geddes meets Glamour Shots. That over-blanched string bean Kendull Jenner can go ahead and sashay off the catwalk permanently, because her modeling career is finally over now that Chanel Nicole is on the scene.
Chanel Nicole has more charisma and personality than Kendull. And even though Chanel Nicole’s lids are always closed, she still has more life in the eye area than Kendall. Chanel Nicole is also one of the most versatile models out there.
If you need a baby who will sleep while lying against her mother’s gigantic bare chichis, Chanel Nicole is your model. If you need a baby who will sleep in some metal basket from Cost Plus while wearing a Claire’s rhinestone choker around her head, Chanel Nicole is your model. If you need a baby who will sleep at the top of a tree made from her mother’s exquisite heels, Chanel Nicole is your model. If you need a baby who will sleep while in a pink tutu, Chanel Nicole is your model.
Chanel Nicole also has another talent besides sleeping like nobody else in newborn photo shoots. Chanel Nicole can already spit at the Twitter haters in 140 characters or less:
The Haters have spoken! I guess Mama and Daddy are posting too many pics of me…. Lol. I love it.
— Baby Chanel Nicole (@BabyChanelworld) December 7, 2015
When I was Chanel Nicole’s age, my greatest accomplishment was shitting in my diaper. (Come to think of it, that remains my greatest accomplishment in life.) But Chanel Nicole has already become a successful Instagram model and she’s a master at LOLing at the Twitter trolls. She really is our new messiah.
It’s hasn’t even been a week since the human pearl that is Chanel Nicole was pulled out of CoCo’s precious oyster of a body and she looks like a baby just didn’t spend the past 8 and a half months in her pink rhinestone-encrusted womb. Don’t you even accuse CoCo of getting a post-C section tummy tuck and wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx. Ethereal goddesses obviously just snap back real quick.
CoCo posted this picture of her and Chanel Nicole on Instagram today, and it doesn’t even look like a picture. It looks like an exquisite piece of art painted by Botticelli. It’s the new The Virgin and Child. And is Chanel Nicole really tiny or are CoCo’s tits just really big? Or both? It’s both.
In Greek mythology there’s a story about how Artemis, the goddess of wild animals, protested against wool by sticking her silicone bag chichis out while dressed up like a day-shift hooker Little Bo Beep. So when I saw these pictures of Courtney Stodden doing just that on Hollywood Blvd. yesterday, I knew that she is the Artemis of our time!
Seen above looking like she’s trying to piss but is too fucked up on Xanax to make a tinkle, the Porn Iguana protested for PETA by posing in front of the paps while wearing a Little Ho Peep costume. Courtney said at the photo-op that everyone needs to stop buying wool, because many sheep are abused during shearling.
“Every wool sweater or scarf means a lifetime of suffering for a beautiful, gentle sheep. My friends at PETA and I urge everyone to leave wool on the rack this winter!”
I feel like the Porn Iguana has worn wool before… If she has, I’m sure it’s because a sheep shaved the wool off of its own body and gave it to her. It wanted its wool to touch the body of a saint and natural goddess!
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s the visual definition of demure sophistication!
Every year, we all hear about how Heidi Klum is the Queen of Halloween and nobody does it like her and blah blah blah blah fart blah. Yeah, it probably took a million hours, a team of 12 and thousands of dollars to transform Heidi Klum into a terrifying fun hour mirror melting Amanda LePore mannequin, but she still didn’t win Halloween. The true winner of Halloween was the living fiber optic flower lamp that is Bai Ling who showed Heidi Klum that all she needs to transform into another character is $8, a couple of coupons and a pussy waxing kit.
Bai Ling really hit up the clearance costume section at Walgreens, because she transformed into several characters including SuperRose, Lady Spock and a much more elegant Leeloo from The Fifth Element. Bai Ling transformed into all of those characters while doing an almost-naked photo shoot by the train tracks in L.A. for the paparazzi. Bai Ling gave us modesty (see: the picture of her covering up her precious oyster) and art (see: the picture of her posing in front of “slut” graffiti). Bai Ling not only took the gold medal at the Slutoween Olympics, but she also set an untouchable bar for ho stroll photo shoots. Don’t be surprised tomorrow if I post pictures of Phoebe Price trying to outdo Bai Ling by posing fully naked on Skid Row.
And somebody snatch the Halloween crown off of Heidi Klum and place it where it really belongs: Bai Ling’s gorgeous goddess head.
By the way, I’m typing this on a Braille keyboard, because I’ve had THAT PICTURE of Prince Hot Ginge taped onto my face since Friday. “Did you do something to your hair? You look so much better!” is what I heard all weekend from my family and friends.
The London premiere of the 24th James Bond movie, Spectre, happened tonight and Prince Hot Ginge was there, because DUH, there was an open bar and I’m sure the place was filled with stringy dishwater blondes he could make out with behind the concession counter. PHG brought along those other two, Prince William and Duchess Kate, because they never ever get out of the house and needed a date night.
I thought I felt a little earthquake this afternoon and now I know it was from dozens of people in Las Vegas falling over and hitting the ground when Naomi Judd knocked them out with her glamour and gorgeousness.
The temperature in Las Vegas went up at least 100 degrees today and it’s all Naomi Judd’s fault for serving up so much piping hot elegance and exquisiteness at the launch of The Judds’ residency at The Venetian. It even looks like Wynonna Judd’s face melted a little from being so close to her hot mother. Naomi Judd’s face gets straights As. I don’t even care if it looks like her left eyebrow took a bite out of her right eyebrow. Her eyebrow game gets an A+, her lip liner game gets an A++ and those spider lashes get an A+++. Naomi Judd looks like the most opulent Christmas tree topper of all time. Liberace would so put her on top of his tree. There really are no words. This is perfection and everybody in the world should strive to look like this!
If Jane Child and an extra slow, huffing-addicted Predator had a toilet baby and that toilet baby grew up to star in a low-budget porn parody of Barbarella, it would look like the hillbilly chipmunk at tonight’s MTV VMAs.
Miley Cyrus, who is putting the HO in host tonight, showed up to the VMAs looking like a morning-shift prostitution whore-ah in the Battlefield Earth universe. Kelly Preston is probably sitting next to John Travolta and wondering why his ass area is putting out sounds that sound like a puppy licking its mouth after eating peanut butter. Oh, it’s just John’s b-hole puckering from seeing Miley done up like an extravagant Scientology whore.
And if Billy Ray Cyrus gets drunk enough tonight, he’s totally going to sing “Phantom of the Opera” while pretending that the chandelier covering Miley’s crotch is hitting him. Yes, I just showed my theater queen-self with that line.