The “In Memoriam” segment of the Oscars is always a huge bummer, because it reminds you that death is a jealous bitch who yanks away the best people from life (example: Robin Williams, whose picture made me cry because I had been drinking and was feeling all kinds of emotional). But last night it was a particularly huge bummer, because the Queen of the Oscar Red Carpet, Her Majesty Joan Rivers was not included. I said it up top, and I’ll say it again: RUDE.
And according to The Hollywood Reporter, it wasn’t an accident or the work of a lazy intern; they just didn’t have room for her. An Oscar rep released this statement about Joan’s “In Memoriam” snub to THR saying:
“Joan Rivers is among the many worthy artists and filmmakers we were unfortunately unable to feature in the In Memoriam segment of this year’s Oscar show. She is, however, included in our In Memoriam gallery on Oscar.com.”
At least Joan is in good company: the Academy also left out Elaine Stritch. I hope those two are sharing a cocktail this morning in Heaven and getting their bitch on about this shameful mess.
And I’d like to think that shortly after their drink, Joan started planning out just exactly how she was going to haunt the shit out of each and every Academy member. But that would be a lie, since we all know the glamorous ghost of Joan Rivers has much better, more glamorous things to do than haunt anything besides the odd open mic night in Heaven (I just got very jealous of angels all of a sudden).
While covered in more fur than Rabbit Island and showing Arthur the Aardvark how Coke bottle glasses are really worn, the legendary Elaine Stritch is officially out of fucks to give, because she spit out her last one on the fourth hour of Today this morning.
89-year-old Elaine was on Today to talk about her documentary Shoot Me and as she rested her Keds-covered hooves on a Kathie Lee Gifford footstool (found in the clearance section of your local Raymour & Flanigan), the Kathie Lee Gifford footstool spoke and asked her about her bluntness. Kathie Lee Gifford asked for it! When you play with fire, you’re going to get burned. When you breathe in Kathie Lee’s breath, you’re going to get drunk. When you ask Elaine Stritch about her bluntness, you’re going to get the fuck word in your ears. Here’s the drop of YES that came out of Elaine’s mouth:
“Thank god it’s hasn’t been … not passed on television. If you just say things naturally, it’s fine. They’re just thinking ‘fuck.’”
Kathie Lee Gifford screamed, “Oh dear! Oh dear,” and I’m going to assume that at the same time that Elaine dropped that f-bomb, her breakfast wine buzz started to wear off and she got nervous. Because there’s no way Kathie Lee Gifford could’ve been freaking out over the fuck word. It’s the fourth hour of Today! I mean, I, for one, believe that children should learn the fuck word very early on, because it’s really one of the only words in the English language that matters, but children are not watching the fourth hour of Today. The only people watching the fourth hour of Today are people who have given up on life a long time ago and constantly say, “fuck it,” out loud to themselves, so an f-bomb is the opposite of shocking to them. And by “them” I mean “us,” because I watch that mess. It comforts me knowing that someone is more of an incoherent mess in the morning than me.
And where’s the petition to get Elaine Stritch and fellow f-bomber Sue Simmons to be the new fourth hour co-hosts of Today?