This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.
I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.
Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.
If one of Brit Brit’s Cheetolings was a girl, this would be them right now.
Most of you have already laughed, weeped and come up with a plan to spike the water system with birth control pills after watching the glorious mess that is Honey Boo-Boo Chile and her creator June the Hutt on Toddlers & Tiaras and every single talk show on television. Part of me wants a daughter just like Honey Boo-Boo Chile, because she’s always crunked out of her mind (Like me!), loves money more than people (Like me!) and is a drag queen Jackee Harry trapped in a little girl’s body (Like I wish to be!). The other part of me thinks that Honey Boo-Boo Chile and her mom June are a product of the government to promote human sterilization. What ever their deal is, they shared it on The Silver Fox Show (in an episode that airs tomorrow) and I don’t think my nightmares will ever be the same again.
Mah Boo gave the moms of Toddlers & Tiaras a child beauty pageant queen makeover, so they know what their daughters feel like. Most of the moms look like any random trick on Slutoween, but June the Hutt took the cake and ate it. Just like June’s parenting skills are lost somewhere in the crack of that sideways butt on her neck, my thoughts on this are completely lost too. It’s just too much of a beautiful mess. I’d scream at Honey Boo-Boo Chile to turn around and stare into her future, but homegirl is too high to understand. But I do love that she’s posing like my chola friend throwing a gang sign in her 7th grade yearbook picture.
Speaking of getting high, here’s a clip of Mah Boo trying the “Go-Go Juice” that June the Hutt gives Honey Boo-Boo Chile to give her energy. It’s basically the nectar of the white trash gods (Red Bull and Mountain Dew).
You can try Honey Boo-Boo Chile’s Go-Go Juice for yourself in a few weeks when Walmart inevitably sells it in their baby section next to Toddler’s First Eye Waxing Kit and strawberry-scented wig glue for kids.
If the fringe curtain that hangs over my cousin’s bedroom doorway and the grease-stained old chinoise wallpaper in my grandma’s kitchen were used to make a costume for a chorus skater in an Ice Capades version of The World of Suzie Wong, it would look like the mess Blake Lively wore to Gossip Girl’s 100 episode party in NYC last night. That shit is made of so much fug that there’s no way you could find one ho who would gladly use it to floss her twat. But there’s Blake trying to sell that fug dress like a Tijuana child selling a box of chicles.
My favorite part is how Blake’s actually doing the “hand on hip, sway back” pose. THIS BITCH would do a basic pose you learn your first day at that piece of amateur shit modeling school John Robert Powers (I can say this as an alumni of JRP’s rival school Barbizon). Fall back all the way, Blake, because you ain’t doing the pose, the pose is doing you.
And here’s a few other messes from last night’s party including: Leighton Meester, the most beautiful woman there Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick (who is prune-ing till he makes it), Penn Badgley, Hooker Megan from Melrose Place with Matthew Settle and Michelle Trachtenberg.
When I look at this ad for Marc Jacobs’ “Oh, Lola!” perfume, I see a 17-year-old Dakota Fanning giving a Leela from Futurama eye to the camera while squeezing a gigantic bottle full of enough stank to last several lifetime. But when the British Advertising Standards Authority look at this ad, they see a blonde prostitot throwing sexy eyes at the camera while holding a blooming vagine between her legs and they don’t like this sucio shit. They have pulled our their pristine white gloves and shooed this ad all the way back to Baby Whoretown. The ad, which came out here in the land of Toddlers & Tiaras back in June, was banned forever and the ASA released this statement about it:
“We noted that the model was holding up the perfume bottle which rested in her lap between her legs and we considered that its position was sexually provocative. We understood the model was 17 years old but we considered she looked under the age of 16. We considered that the length of her dress, her leg and position of the perfume bottle drew attention to her sexuality. Because of that, along with her appearance, we considered the ad could be seen to sexualise a child. We therefore concluded that the ad was irresponsible and was likely to cause serious offence.”
Well, damn. Since they put it like that. But I applaud Britain for banning this ad and only because it’s a piece of shit picture that looks like it was taken on a first generation iPhone and printed out on a printer that was nearly out of ink. Throw that shit to the trash pile. And since Marc Jacobs will obviously need a replacement, might I suggest an of age bitch named Lola who really knows how to work a camera. I present, Lola of Draw Me Like One Of Your French Girls fame.
That is how you do provocative! And full disclosure: I have no idea if that pug’s name is Lola, but look at that room. Somebody that lives in that house is named Lola and I have a feeling we’re looking at the ho.
1. Your choices as a parent might be questionable if you named your child Paisley. Tartan or Argyle I can deal with, but Paisley?!
2. Your choices as a parent are definitely questionable and you should probably resign as a mother to take up a full-time position as the creative director of PedoBear’s Children’s Theater when you push your kid in front of the Toddlers & Tiaras cameras dressed up as Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. Not even the classy Julia Roberts in the brown polka dot dress after she gets de-whored on Rodeo Blvd. But the pussy peddling Julia Roberts who picks Richard Gere up on Hollywood Blvd. What kind of crazy is running through that bitch’s brain to think it’s okay and cute to dress her little daughter as a straight-up hooker whore?!
I’m surprised this little prostitot didn’t stop, pull a rainbow of condoms out of her boot and tell the audience that she’s a safety girl. I don’t know whether to laugh as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl’s parents off of it, or to weep as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl’s parents off of it. Allow me to quote Snobby Saleswoman #1 from Pretty Woman when I tell Paisley’s parents: “You’re obviously in the wrong place. Please leave!”
The thing is, what really offends me is that if you’re going to hooker up your daughter by dressing her up as a prostitution whore, you could at least do it with the right wig. That wig is more Lady Caca than hooker Julia Roberts. How dreadful.