On Monday, actress Kristina Cohen accused Ed Westwick of raping her at his home three years ago. Ed responded with a denial posted to Instagram, claiming he didn’t know Kristina and would never do such a thing. I’m sure Ed was hoping that tapping three sentences into the notes app on his phone would make the whole situation go away, but it hasn’t and the police are involved.
We haven’t really heard about Ed Westwick in a while. That could be because he’s laying low, living his life, or maybe because no one is really checking up on what Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl has been up to. But Ed’s name has been trending on the internet today, and not for a good reason. He’s been accused by a woman of raping her at his home three years ago.
This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.
I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.
Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.
If one of Brit Brit’s Cheetolings was a girl, this would be them right now.
Most of you have already laughed, weeped and come up with a plan to spike the water system with birth control pills after watching the glorious mess that is Honey Boo-Boo Chile and her creator June the Hutt on Toddlers & Tiaras and every single talk show on television. Part of me wants a daughter just like Honey Boo-Boo Chile, because she’s always crunked out of her mind (Like me!), loves money more than people (Like me!) and is a drag queen Jackee Harry trapped in a little girl’s body (Like I wish to be!). The other part of me thinks that Honey Boo-Boo Chile and her mom June are a product of the government to promote human sterilization. What ever their deal is, they shared it on The Silver Fox Show (in an episode that airs tomorrow) and I don’t think my nightmares will ever be the same again.
Mah Boo gave the moms of Toddlers & Tiaras a child beauty pageant queen makeover, so they know what their daughters feel like. Most of the moms look like any random trick on Slutoween, but June the Hutt took the cake and ate it. Just like June’s parenting skills are lost somewhere in the crack of that sideways butt on her neck, my thoughts on this are completely lost too. It’s just too much of a beautiful mess. I’d scream at Honey Boo-Boo Chile to turn around and stare into her future, but homegirl is too high to understand. But I do love that she’s posing like my chola friend throwing a gang sign in her 7th grade yearbook picture.
Speaking of getting high, here’s a clip of Mah Boo trying the “Go-Go Juice” that June the Hutt gives Honey Boo-Boo Chile to give her energy. It’s basically the nectar of the white trash gods (Red Bull and Mountain Dew).
You can try Honey Boo-Boo Chile’s Go-Go Juice for yourself in a few weeks when Walmart inevitably sells it in their baby section next to Toddler’s First Eye Waxing Kit and strawberry-scented wig glue for kids.
If the fringe curtain that hangs over my cousin’s bedroom doorway and the grease-stained old chinoise wallpaper in my grandma’s kitchen were used to make a costume for a chorus skater in an Ice Capades version of The World of Suzie Wong, it would look like the mess Blake Lively wore to Gossip Girl’s 100 episode party in NYC last night. That shit is made of so much fug that there’s no way you could find one ho who would gladly use it to floss her twat. But there’s Blake trying to sell that fug dress like a Tijuana child selling a box of chicles.
My favorite part is how Blake’s actually doing the “hand on hip, sway back” pose. THIS BITCH would do a basic pose you learn your first day at that piece of amateur shit modeling school John Robert Powers (I can say this as an alumni of JRP’s rival school Barbizon). Fall back all the way, Blake, because you ain’t doing the pose, the pose is doing you.
And here’s a few other messes from last night’s party including: Leighton Meester, the most beautiful woman there Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick (who is prune-ing till he makes it), Penn Badgley, Hooker Megan from Melrose Place with Matthew Settle and Michelle Trachtenberg.