It’s no coincidence that it looks like Sam Taylor-Johnson is getting ready to run far, far away from the Fifty Shades franchise; Sam called it quits after directing Fifty Shades of Grey. She didn’t give a reason for why she wouldn’t be working on the sequels, but she did wish whoever got the thankless job “nothing but success.” Sam is talking about it again, and she goes in this time.
Stephenie Meyer Is Never Finishing That “Twilight” Spinoff Book And “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Is To Blame
After the Twilight series made Stephenie Meyer a millionaire many times over, she tried to squeeze more coins out of that shit by writing a spin-off book titled Midnight Sun. The spinoff book re-tells the first Twilight book from Edward Cullen’s point of view instead of from the point of view of that dead-eyed Bella trick. Stephenie stopped writing Midnight Sun in 2008 when it was mysteriously leaked onto the Internet. She responded to the leak by releasing 12 unfinished chapters and said that she’ll finish the rest once everyone forgets about it. But now Midnight Sun will never rise (don’t worry, I hate myself for writing that too) and it’s all E.L. James’ fault!
Earlier this week, Stephenie Meyer farted up the news that she had re-written Twilight but gave Bella a peen and Edward a vampire vagina. She gender-swapped them. The Twihards rolled their eyes at that mess, because that’s not the Twilight book they’ve been waiting for. They want Midnight Sun for some reason. According to Stephenie, that’s never going to happen.
At New York Comic-Con, Stephenie told the room full of Twihards that after she finished the gender-swapped Twilight, she started working on Midnight Sun again. But the next day, she found out that she had been Single White Female’d once again by that copycat bitch E.L. James when it was announced that Grey was coming out. Grey is Fifty Shades of Shit as told from Christian Grey’s perspective. E.L. James’ snatched Stephenie’s idea and put it out first. via Entertainment Weekly
“Midnight Sun is kind of cursed,” she reportedly told the crowd. When 12 unfinished chapters of Midnight Sun leaked in 2008, Meyer said she was upset and put the project on hold. She said at the Comic-Con panel that she recently wrote a bit more from Edward’s perspective. “What do you think was the top story on Yahoo the next morning?” she asked the crowd. “Grey.”
“It was a literal flip the table moment for me,” Meyer reportedly said. The book is still on hold.
A literal table flip? I can imagine all sorts of bizarre things, but I can’t imagine Stephenie Meyer doing this:
And there’s really only one way to settle this. They must fight to the death! Actually, no, that’s not a good idea. Because once they get into a room together, they made decide that their evil powers will strengthen if they join forces and that will lead to them shitting out a mash-up book called Fifty Shades of Twilight.
E.L. James dribbled a re-telling of Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian Grey’s POV, because she is a literary wonder who cannot breath unless her swan quill is scribbling out words of poetry on parchment paper with burnt edges. (And because her publisher told her that if she released another Fifty Shades book, three more dump trucks full of cash will appear on her driveway since horny moms will eat up everything and anything she queefs up.) E.L. James newest masterpiece Grey is supposed to come out on June 18th, Christian Grey’s fake birthday. But well, now The Daily Mail says that a copy of it has magically gone missing and the Kent Police are investigating it. Penguin Random House, the publisher of that wreck, is afraid that it will be sold on the black market or leaked onto he internet. A rep for Penguin Random House had this to say:
“Grey will be published on June 18 – Christian Grey’s birthday – as planned. We can confirm that the Kent police are investigating the theft of a finished copy of EL James’s new book Grey. We will not be issuing any further statement.”
Fun fact: Stephenie Meyer partially wrote a re-telling of Twilight from Edward Cullen’s POV called Midnight Sun. In 2008, Stephenie stopped writing it and refused to release it after 12 chapters mysteriously ended up on the internet. And now this happens to the Christian Grey POV book. Stephenie Meyer better hide her man and her dog, because E.L. James is going full Single White Female with her impersonation of her.
On another note, is Grey just blank page after blank page, because the Christian Grey in the movie (yes, I finally watched it and let’s never talk about it again) was about as alive as a cracked butt plug. Also, if you really want to read another Fifty Shades book, you don’t have to actually read another Fifty Shades book. You just have to eat a lot of corn, take a messy dump, wipe your ass and then look at the toilet paper. Same thing! Strangely enough, you can also do that when you want to read Dlisted and are nowhere near a computer or phone.
Here’s Anastasia Steele (aka Dakota Johnson) looking like the mom in a Nicholas Sparks’ movie adaptation while meeting some hot silver piece at LAX last week.
Pics: Wenn.com, Random House
As the rest of humanity screams “NO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, MAKE IT STOP!!!!“, the Fifty Shades-obsessed horny mommy types are hauling ass to Home Depot to pick up a new waterproof tarp and a 100-pack of AA batteries in preparation for the second coming (ew, that sounded grosser than I intended).
Earlier today, professional Twilight fanfic writer E.L. James announced on Instagram (via UsWeekly) that she has written another Fifty Shades of Grey book. You know, for those of you who were dying for more mild descriptions of spanking and had $19.99 you felt like flushing down the toilet. As you have probably already gathered from the picture above, E.L.’s new book is called Grey and it’s the Fifty Shades story from Christian Grey’s perspective. Basically, instead of “Oh jeez“, you’ll get “And then I whipped out my throbbing manhood and made her jeez all night long.”
To add another layer of NO onto this already NO-coated story, E.L. James’ says Grey will be published on June 18th, in honor of Christian Grey’s birthday. Why do I get the feeling that E.L. James will be throwing a pretend birthday party on the 18th and putting the icing from that birthday cake somewhere other than in her mouth?
Because I value and treasure my last few working brain cells, I didn’t read any of the Fifty Shades books, but I might actually read Grey, because you know this shit is going to be a mess. E.L. James, a woman who could barely write from the perspective of a woman, writing from the perspective of a dude based on a Twilight vampire might be the best gift she’s ever given to the world. And that’s saying a lot, considering she’s already given us so much.
This Is Going To End Well For All Of Us: E.L. James’ Husband Is Writing The Script For Fifty Shades Darker
Somewhere in the basement at Universal Studios is a red room where E.L. James ties down the executives and as she flogs their nalgas, electrocutes their nipples and squeeze their nuts while wearing a spiked rubber glove, she whispers dirty, disgusting shit in their ears like, “You WILL hire my husband to write the next Fifty Shades movie. Say, ‘Yes, mistress.’” E.L. James has made Universal her slave bitch. E.L. James already got director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel to jump from that shit ship by demanding more creative control and now she’s getting it.
E.L. James supposedly wanted to write the script for the Fifty Shades sequel Fifty Shades Darker herself, but Universal hasn’t completely gone crazy, so they’re not letting her do that. But Universal has agreed to let her husband, author Niall Leonard, write the screenplay, which means she’s probably going to write that shit. Niall has written for several British TV shows and is the author of the Crusher series of books. The Hollywood Reporter says that Niall did some work on the screenplay for Fifty Shades of Grey but didn’t get any credit. Fifty Shades producer Michael De Luca spit up this generic statement to THR:
“Niall is an outstanding writer in his own right, with multiple established credits, and we are lucky to have him join Team Fifty.”
I still haven’t watched Fifty Squirts of Brown, because everybody I know who has seen it has told me that it’s not the campy shit nugget of a masterpiece I was hoping for. But it looks like Fifty Shades Darker is going to deliver what Fifty Shades of Grey failed to. We all know what’s going to happen next. E.L. James will be announced as director of this turd and then she’ll be announced as production designer, costume designer, soundtrack supervisor, sex choreographer, etc…. etc… Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson will eventually check out of that train wreck and E.L. James and Niall Leonard will be announced as their replacements! Please do this, Universal. Please let Fifty Shades Darker be the cinematic dingle it was meant to be.
And here’s some riveting pictures of Dakota with an inanimate object that has more personality than her on the set of How To Be Single in NYC the other day.
Sam Taylor-Johnson Won’t Be Returning For “Fifty Shades: Even More Missed Opportunities To Show Penis”
Sam Taylor-Johnson obviously decided that, despite the huge box office take, dignity is dignity. The Fifty Shades of Grey director has opted out of directing the next two installments of the the BDSM for Boring People franchise.
Here’s the statement with which her extremely skilled PR minion came up. Because you know Mrs. Taylor-Johnson’s own attempt read: “HAHAHAHAHA…you thought I was going to suffer that E.L. James heifer again….HAHAHAHAHAHAH, um, no.”
“Directing Fifty Shades Of Grey has been an intense and incredible journey for which I am hugely grateful. I have Universal to thank for that. I forged close and lasting relationships with the cast, producers and crew and most especially, with Dakota and Jamie. While I will not be returning to direct the sequels, I wish nothing but success to whosoever takes on the exciting challenges of films two and three.”
By “intense” and “incredible journey” she meant “having to deal with that no-talent writer and two boring yet somehow still very difficult actors who despised each other.” “I have Universal to thank for that” means” those studio dicks who wouldn’t let me out of my contract after I first met the asshole who wrote this shit and still didn’t give me points on the box office, greedy fucks.” “Most especially, with Dakota and Jamie” means “one wouldn’t show his cock when I asked him to even though he wasn’t exactly hired for his thespian skills, and the other hated him and kept bringing Melanie Griffith’s stretched face to the set to coach her daughter’s acting. It showed.” And finally, “exciting challenges” basically means “this absolute shitshow chock-full of self-involved fucks with delusions of talent. In closing, E.L. James can eat my box. Laters!”
No word yet on who will be succeed Sam Taylor-Johnson. It’s not like they were going to be able to afford to give her a salary. I’m sure Scorcese, Fincher, and Spielberg are in a frenzy as they ring up their agents.
Honestly, I’d quit that bitch, too. E.L. reportedly has the air of a terrible hack who won the lottery but fancies herself Toni Morrison. Who can blame Sam for running screaming back to Kick-Ass and his fine ass (fine as long as he doesn’t attempt an Eastern-European accent.)