Ryan Murphy Has Somehow Managed To Nab The Biggest Star In The World For The Next “American Horror Story”
Alternate title: Dame Joan Collins To Save “American Horror Story”!!
The following so-called famous people have been in past seasons of American Horror Story: Jessica Lange, Connie Britton, Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, Joseph Fiennes, Sarah Paulson, Matt Bomer, Lady Gaga, James Cromwell, Cuba Gooding Jr., Frances Conroy, Emma Roberts, and Michael Chiklis. But AHS could never say that it was filled with blinding star power until now.
The Hollywood Reporter did a big profile on Ryan Murphy’s $300 million Netflix deal, and he dropped a few little nuggets. He’s thinking of doing a Barbra Streisand/Lady Gaga variety show (no, thank you), he’s contemplating a wellness show (another “no thanks” to GOOP TV), says that American Crime Story: Katrina is still in the works, and that an ACS season of the Monica Lewinsky/Clinton scandal has been canceled. (Ryan doesn’t think it’s his place to tell Monica’s story, and will only do it if she’s a producer and will get money out of it.) Buried in Ryan’s THR profile is a stage 10 bombshell: Dame Joan Collins is going to be in the next season of American Horror Story. THR probably buried the lede, because if they put it in the headline, their site would’ve crashed.
When you first get cast in a primetime soap opera, you are asked to put your right hand on the primetime soap opera bible (Dynasty: The Complete Series DVD collection) and vow to never ever betray the primetime soap opera God (Joan Collins) by playing the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty. But Nicollette Sheridan has broken that vow and committed the ultimate primetime soap opera sin by taking the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty! Why, Nicollette, why? If you need a check that bad, you should’ve started a GoFundMe. We all would’ve donated and understood!
I shouldn’t say that the Dynasty reboot has been completely CW-fied. I don’t think there’s a superhero in this one. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if the first episode ends with Cristal revealing that she’s a secret DC superhero. The CW has to find a way to shit out a Dynasty/Supergirl/Arrow/The Flash crossover episode.
The CW held its upfronts in NYC today and announced that us worshipers of the original Dynasty have just a few months to prepare for the night when we’ll scream, cry and slap down our TVs as though we’re Alexis and its Krystle. The CW’s Dollar General reboot of Dynasty will stink up Wednesdays when it debuts after Riverdale in the fall.
The CW farted out the first trailer and the show’s first catfight, and Jesus be a last-minute cameo appearance by Dame Joan Collins, because it looks like a bland, boring dried turd. That “when you order something online vs when it arrives” meme was made to compare the original Dynasty to this basic Dynasty reboot. The original Dynasty was a flawless 10 carat diamond whose sparkles were so bright they burned retinas, and this shit is a dull counterfeit diamond made of off-brand peanut butter.
When it was announced that The CW committed and illegal and hurtful crime by ordering a pilot for a Joan Collins-less reboot of Dynasty, I sort of did a slow wall slide of sadness, but I mostly brushed it off. There’s no way God would let it go any further. When it was announced that The CW’s Dynasty reboot would star Grant Show as Blake Carrington, I sort of did another slow wall slide of sadness, but mostly brushed it off again. There’s no way God would let it actually get picked up to series. It got picked up to series. In the words of my favorite sage Paula Abdul, “Where is God when you need him? Because this does not make sense.”