Well, when you’re a twink who wants to quickly make the transition to daddy, there’s one easy way to do it: become an actual daddy like Tom Daley is.
Valentine’s Day is usually a day when disgusting 💖~~ so in love ~~💖 couples cause the heaves to crawl up your throat by announcing their engagement in a love-dovey gross picture on Facebook or Instagram. It’s usually not a day when you announce that you’re going to ruin your marriage and sex life by bringing a slobbery ball of coos into your house. But Tom Daley and his husband of 9 months Dustin Lance Black used today, VD, to announce that in a womb somewhere, their child is growing. Tom is 23 years old and DLB is 43 years old. So half of the room is probably shouting “You too young! You should be out there ho-ing it up instead of changing diapers!” at Tom, while the other half of the room is screaming “You too old! You’re gonna have to drag your oxygen tank to your kid’s graduation!” at DLB.
Tom and DLB announced they’re going to be dads by holding up a picture of their fetus’ first picture. Because of Tom’s stage six scared face, this looks more like a hostage photo of them holding up today’s newspaper.
I don’t blame Tom for making a “the hell am I getting myself into?” face. Raising a baby can be a scary thing. Babies are selfish and can suck up all of your time and money. So if Tom wants to hook up with another hot model, he’ll not only have to find the time to do it, but he’ll have to spend money on a hotel too. And why do I have a feeling that Dolce & Gabbana are going to send their friend Tom a custom-made D&G onesie that reads: Child Of Chemistry!
Quintessential twink and Olympic diver, Tom Daley, married Oscar-winning screenwriter, Dustin Lance Black, at a hotel in Britain yesterday.
The Sun says that Tom re-enacted Juliet’s scene on the balcony from Romeo & Juliet before the ceremony. The BBC has a guest disputing this, but I’m going with The Sun. Not because it’s a more reputable news source, but because I want to believe that a gender-swapped selection from Shakespeare (and I’m hoping Tom was in drag as Juliet) was performed at a wedding.
Last month, British diving twink, Tom Daley, learned the hard way (that’s not a pun, it looks like a semi-softie in the video) that sometimes when you send a trick a private Snapchat video of you touching your parts, that trick may leak it to the world. 22-year-old Tom said at the time that he did send a video to a fan on Snapchat, but he and his 42-year-old fiancé, Dustin Lance Black, were on a break at the time. Tom also said that he never met up with anyone and it’ll never happen again. But now here comes The Sun to say that Tom Daley shamelessly lied about not meeting up with dudes, because their source says he regularly did the butt-first dive onto a hot male model.
What 2016 has really been needing is a good old-fashioned gay scandal and we almost got one when Dustin Lance Black double-slapped Sam Smith on Twitter last night. But now it’s over….
Sam Smith won the Oscar for Best Song for “Writing’s On The Wall” and during his acceptance speech, he sort of said that he’s going down in history as the first openly gay dude to win the gold man trophy. That summoned a wave of side-eyes from openly gay Oscars winners of the past like Elton John, Stephen Sondheim, Howard Ashman’s ghost and Dustin Lance Black. When reporters in the press room pointed out to Sam Smith that he’s not the first openly gay dude to win an Oscar, he asked “Who’s the other person?” A reporter brought up Howard Ashman who won the Best Song Oscar twice for “Under The Sea” and “Beauty and the Beast.” Sam’s response was:
“I should know him. We should date.”
That’d be kind of hard since Howard Ashman has been dead since 1991.
DLB corrected Sam Smith on Twitter and also brought the shadiness when he added, “…it may be time to stop texting my fiancé.” BOOM. I was waiting for Sam Smith to turn it into a big gay drama by slapping back at DLB, but that didn’t happen and it’s not going to happen.
Who needs Gatorade or menudo or IV drip therapy when you’ve got a bitchy verbal slap from Dustin Lance Black to temporarily cure your hangover. When I pulled my post-Oscar hungover carcass out of bed this morning, I was fully ready to get my mashed-up brains sort of working again by freebasing, butt chugging and guzzling coffee at the same time. But I didn’t need to do that, because Dustin Lance Black telling Sam Smith to step off his man on Twitter, pulled me out of my hangover haze for a minute.
For those of you who don’t know or forgot, the “newspaper” is sort of like the Internet except it’s on paper, they don’t have GIFs and if you write a comment like, “N1 CURRz, NEXT,” under an article, only you can see that comment. I know, fuck newspapers. But evidently, people still use them for stuff including announcing that they’re getting married.
Tom Daley is 21 years old, so I’m shocked that he knows what a newspaper is. But he does and he used The Times to announce that he’s marrying his 41-year-old man of 2 years, Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black. This is their old-fashioned and classy announcement which showed up in this morning’s Times:
I really hope announcing your engagement in a newspaper doesn’t become a thing, because I really, really love it when a couple announces their engagement in an annoying YouTube video.
Tom’s mom Debbie Daley also talked about her son’s engagement with the Plymouth Herald and she says they’re not going to get married until after the Olympics:
“The whole family is extremely excited and looking forward to the big day. They are going to wait until after the Olympic Games in Rio before they decide on the date of the wedding and where they want to marry. At the moment he is training in Stratford and focusing on competitions to prepare for Rio at the start of August. Training has always come first for him. Once Rio is out of the way, they will properly plan the wedding.”
Tom and DLB started dating when Tom was 19 years old. DLB is Tom’s first boyfriend ever. Tom must be one of those “old souls” people talk about and DLB must be one of those “young souls,” so they balance each other out. I could never date someone 20 years younger than me, because 1. It’d be highly illegal and; 2. I’m already an immature wreck and 2 immature wrecks in a relationship do not make a right. I also couldn’t imagine getting married at 21, because when I was 21, the only thing I wanted to get engaged to was a new dick every night. I wanted to put a ring on it alright and by “ring” I mean “butt ring” and by “it” I mean a new peen. Okay, I’ll stop before I really ruin this happy news. Anyway, congrats! And here’s the future Mr. and Mr. Daley-Black at the annual Pride of Britain Awards in London a few nights ago.