Category: Dustin Diamond

Screech Introduced RPatz To American Fine Dining

September 1, 2017 / Posted by:

In most random of random news, Robert Pattinson called into On Air with Ryan Seacrest to promote that movie where he was asked to do some questionable shit with a dog. UsWeekly says he also mentioned how, nine years ago, he and Dustin Diamond were once roommates. Zoinks! The two lived in a Burbank apartment complex called Oakwood, which was known to be the home of many people pursuing acting careers.

Now, nine years ago, RPatz was climbing up the ladder to play wizards and vampires. Dustin, however, was post-Saved By The Bell and venturing into films that certainly wouldn’t be on NBC’s Saturday morning lineup. But thank screech Rob wasn’t a roommate snob, otherwise he would have missed out on learning about one of America’s most valuable delicacies:

“I was with Screech, Dustin Diamond. I loved it. I really miss it. Dustin was the first person to introduce me to Hot Pockets!”

What do you miss most, Rob? Would you don a Tiffani Amber Thiesen wig and run lines with Screech to remember the glory days? I’d miss that, too! As for Hot Pockets…damn, dude. Maybe that’s why Kristen Stewart always looked so sour while y’all dated? Hating the paparazzi was just a front!

Tragically, the smell of a pepperoni hot pocket nuking away in the microwave will not be the smell Dustin is most known for, but we’ll leave that one be. And maybe hope, for Screech’s sake, he can get a few pockets while locked up in the pokey. Happy Labor Day!

Pic: Wenn.com

Screech Is Back In Jail Again

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

A little more than a month after being released early from jail for good behavior, Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from Saved By The Bell, is back in again. The fuck-up is truly strong with this one. Page Six says that Screech was arrested in Wisconsin on Wednesday after violating the terms of his parole.

An official wouldn’t say how he violated the terms. Maybe he showed the terms a clip of his sex tape? But they did confirm that he was in custody due to a probation whoopsie. Screech was put away for pulling a switchblade on a guy in a bar and stabbing him, so the obvious guess would be that his probation officer caught within 100 feet of a bar or a switchblade or the guy or something. However, sources tells TMZ that Screech’s arrest is drug related. Goddamn it, Screech, didn’t you learn anything from that PSA you made with Brandon Tartikoff? There’s no hope with dope!

I know that Dustin Diamond is like a moth to a forever fucking up flame, but damn if he didn’t go back to jail sooner than I expected. It’s barely been six weeks. Not to mention that only last week he was on Extra telling Mario Lopez that he wanted to put the “tomfoolery and malarkey” behind him and focus on starting a family. Maybe he missed jail too much and wanted to go back. But why? Who misses being in jail? Were Screech and his fellow inmates keeping themselves entertained by acting out old episodes of Saved by the Bell, and his early release fucked up the production schedule? “Look, I need to get back inside. They’re doing the fake IDs episode next week, and I’m the only one who knows the blocking for the scene at The Attic!

Pic: Ozaukee County Sheriff’s Office

Good Behavior Got Screech Out Of Jail Early

April 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Kevin the Robot has made his last lonely visit to jail. [Robot voice] “Thank god. I was getting a little tired of being asked to smuggle in cigarettes in my battery slot.” According to TMZ, Dustin Diamond’s four-month trip to jail is over. Screech from Saved By The Bell went to jail back in January for stabbing a dude with a switchblade at a bar in Wisconsin in 2014 and got four months behind bars for it. But Screech won’t serve all four months, because Screech has been a good boy. (Ew, did I just type a sentence more barf-making than Screech’s sex tape? Maybe.)

Higher-ups at the Wisconsin jail where Dustin Rhinestone was held tell TMZ that Dustin was released one month early for “good behavior.” Why do I get the feeling that “good behavior” is code for “he was annoying our asses just as much as he used to annoy the gang at Bayside.” No, apparently Screech got a month of jail time deleted from his sentence by cleaning floors and doing laundry. I guess this is technically the first time Screech didn’t stick around long past his expiration date (see: Saved By The Bell: The New Class), so good for him?

No word on what Dustin has planned now that he’s been released, but I’m hoping it doesn’t involve stabbing anyone else at a bar with a switchblade. Maybe the Hot Sundaes will help him stay on the straight and narrow (or whatever road doesn’t end with poo porn and knives) by hiring him as their tour manager. Or maybe he could mentor future has-beens on the dangers of knife play. “Trust me, Iggy Azalea, it’s not worth it!

Pic: Wenn.com

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Dustin Diamond Is Spending The Next Four Months In Jail For That Time He Stabbed A Guy In A Bar

January 16, 2016 / Posted by:

And just like that, Dustin Diamond was able to yank back his ‘Messiest Post-Saved by the Bell Career’ crown from Lisa Turtle’s head. Although I doubt it sat on his head for very long; I’m sure Kevin the Robot has already traded it in at the Cash-4-Gold shop closest to the jail and deposited the funds into Dustin’s commissary account. (Kevin was programmed to be stupid loyal).

So, remember last Christmas when Screech from Saved by the Bell gave a dude his heart – and by heart, I mean a switchblade to the body – during a bar brawl in Wisconsin? Well, he’s going to jail for that shit. According to TMZ, Zack and Slater’s forever definition of “I don’t know him” checked into the Ozaukee County Jail in Port Washington, Wisconsin on Friday night to serve a four-month sentence.

Dustin is only doing four months in the little house (prison is the big house, right?) because he claimed he totally didn’t mean to stab Casey Smet back in December 2014, and a judge ruled that he wasn’t guilty of stabbing. He was, however, guilty of being a dried-up dingleberry clinging to humanity’s longest asshair. No, he was found guilty of two misdemeanors: carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct.

No word on whether or not Screech will be sharing a cell, but I’m guessing he’ll probably be given his own room. After all, I can’t think of a crime serious enough that would warrant a punishment like sharing a jail cell with Screech from Saved by the Bell. Actually, now that I think of it, I could totally see them putting Screech in solitary and using him as a threat. “One more shot, and you’re spending 24-hours alone with the most annoying TV character from the 90s, and I’m not talking about Steve Urkel or Joey Gladstone’s Woodchuck puppet.

Pic: Ozaukee County Sheriff (via Splash)

Dustin Diamond Has Been Found Not Guilty Of Stabbing That Guy He Stabbed

May 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Former Child Star.” I guess “Current Life Mess” was too harsh.

After testifying yesterday that he totally didn’t mean to pull a switchblade and stab a 25-year-old guy during a brawl at a Wisconsin bar last Christmas, TMZ says Dustin Diamond has been found not guilty of stabbing that guy. “Oh thank god” bleep-blooped Kevin, who wasn’t sure how he’d get his robot ass back and forth to prison to visit Screech.

According to TMZ, the jury believed Dustin when he said he didn’t mean to stab Casey Smet with his switchblade, so they cleared him of a felony charge of recklessly endangering public safety. Ironically, he’s still very much guilty of recklessly endangering public safety, according to anyone who ran out of their house and projectile vomited into the street after watching his porno.

But Screech isn’t totally off the hook. The jury found him guilty of two misdemeanors: carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, which means he could face up to 9 months in jail. The guy Screech stabbed was found guilty of disorderly conduct and might spend 90 days in jail. Getting stabbed by Screech and going to jail, all because you wanted a blurry cellphone picture of Screech? Damn, I don’t know who needs to get their life (copyright: Tamar Braxton) more in this situation.

Since Dustin Diamond is famous-adjacent and everybody loves that Saved By The Bell shit, my money is on that he’s probably not going to do those 9 months in jail. Then again, if that judge was more of a California Dreams fan, then he might want to call up Mr. Belding and ask him to pack up a duffel bag with a couple pairs of his best wacky pants and inform the world there’s a chance there will be one less messy former child star in it for the next little while.

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Dustin Diamond Wants You To Know He Totally Didn’t Mean To Stab That Guy He Stabbed

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Back in December, Dustin Diamond redefined the words MESS (and coming from a dude who appears to be wearing a piss-stained garbage mattress as a shirt, that’s saying a lot) by getting into a fist-fight with a couple who tried to take his picture in a Wisconsin bar on Christmas, then pulling a switchblade and stabbing a 25-year-old dude named Casey Smet.

Well, Dustin Diamond has plead “not guilty” to that time he stabbed a guy because he totally didn’t mean to stab that guy. Page Six says that Screech showed up in a Wisconsin court earlier today and testified that he was just trying to protect his girlfriend Amanda Schutz. Screech claims the couple were harassing him and he felt he was being “set up for antagonistic purposes.” He claims he only took out the switchblade to “take the fight out” of the couple and scare them a little. Of course, the fight escalated, and Casey got shanked.

Screech could face up to 10 years in prison if he’s found guilty. “I’ll wait for you!” just yelled Violet Bickerstaff.

Dustin also managed to throw a little verbal side-eye at Casey in court, because that’s a good idea. Casey claimed he didn’t know he got stabbed until he started talking to the police. Dustin brought that up and then proposed this question: how could he have stabbed someone if the person who got stabbed didn’t even know they got stabbed. Ah, truly one of life’s great mysteries. Sorry, “If a tree falls in the forest“, but you’ve been replaced.

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