All of you Trump H8RZ can now shut your crying holes over how the overused foundation puff doesn’t focus on real issues and tweets stupid stuff to distract the people from what’s really going on. This morning, Donald Trump finally addressed the one issue every American cares about: the ratings for The New Celebrity Apprentice!
Pictured: Nicole Scherzinger making the same disgusted stank face that all of us made while reading the cast list for the Dirty Dancing remake that need not exist.
ABC decided to join the rest of Hollywood in taking a machete to your childhood and the classics when it gave the thumbs up to a completely unnecessary Dirty Dancing musical movie starring Little Miss Sunshine as Baby, this pillar of chiseled hotness as Johnny Castle, Debra Messing as Baby’s mom, Bruce Greenwood as Baby’s dad, Sarah Hyland as Baby’s sister, Billy Dee Williams as Tito Suarez, Casper Not-So-Smart as Billy, Katey Sagal as Vivian Pressman, Shane Harper as Robbie and low-rent Apollonia Nicole Scherzinger as Penny.
Penny, played by Cynthia Rhodes in the only Dirty Dancing movie we need, gets knocked up with that slut Robbie’s baby and gets an abortion. Nicole tells The Daily Mail that she’s catholic and that her family is firmly against abortion. So she almost didn’t take the part, because she didn’t want to “promote” abortion. Oh yes, that movie where a woman almost dies after getting a back alley abortion is the pro-abortion propaganda film of our time!
Shortly after Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in her apartment in Paris, sources were saying that Kim was blaming herself for being herself (aka shamelessly flaunting her jewels on social media). Whatever chemicals Khloe Kardashian has been injecting into her face must have seeped into her brain and ate the part responsible for making smart decisions, because last night she flaunted her jewels on Instagram. Slow-é strikes again!
As Donald Trump’s campaign lives on and Trump supporters dislocate their shoulders from reaching so damn hard while trying to defend that pussy grab shit, Billy Bush is wondering if he should do damage control by checking into rehab for dumbfuckness or by getting his picture taken as he gently pets pussies (with permission) at a cat shelter. Billy got his ass suspended from Today and NBC may permanently wax off the Bush. And sources tell Page Six that Billy Bush may only have his own stupidity to blame. Sources say that NBC staffers only started looking for the tape when Billy Bush bragged about its existence. So Billy Bush may have fucked himself. Oh, schadenfreude, it’s always a good day when you spoon me from behind and whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
When you think of Miley Cyrus, you immediately have to rinse your mouth out with industrial-strength Listerine since the taste of chipmunk smegma covers your tongue. But after you do that and think of Miley Cyrus again, you think of a serious artiste who is all about the art and her voice and isn’t at all about gimmicks or herself or what she’s wearing. Miley Cyrus thinks that of Miley Cyrus too! And Miley Cyrus is the complete opposite of Mariah Carey.
Well, he’s sort of sorry. He’s just mostly sorry if anyone was offended by it. Ah, the classic “I’m not sorry I did it, just sorry I got caught” apology.
Country singer Jason Aldean decided to dress up as Lil Wayne last Halloween. If Jason had done his research, he would have learned that it is possible for a white person to dress up as a famous rapper whose name starts with Lil for Halloween without pulling out some dark makeup and going full-NO. But Jason went ahead and did himself up in blackface anyway. Almost a year later, Jason is sorry-ish for doing that.