Meanwhile, at the PIMP Kompound (it’s where Kim Kardashian likes to store her in between Pretty Mommy photo ops) North West is interrogating 2 of her 10 nannies as to who is this strange man named Kanye West who would spend $74,000 on her. “He’s who? My dad? Get out! Really? I have a mom AND a dad? I wonder when I’ll get to see them?”
According to Heat magazine (via Radar), Kim’s current husband Kanye Kardashian has spend $74,000 on Christmas gifts for their 18-month-old daughter North. Yes, seventy-four thousands of dollars. For a baby. Just one more reminder that we live on a garbage planet filled with garbage people. Kanye reportedly bought her a $62,000 diamond tiara and a $12,000 baby-sized car, both very practical gifts for a child who no doubt spends her days mashing soggy Goldfish crackers into the rug and trying to figure out what sound the cow makes. Apparently, Kanye got North an expensive-ass diamond tiara so that when she played dress-up, she could be a real princess, and he got her the car because it’s an exact replica of his. As if she would even know – the only car North has been in is the one she rides in every two weeks that takes her to and from pap appointments with her mom.
Obviously letting a baby play with $62,000 worth of diamonds is a next-level dumb idea, but I can’t throw any side-eye to that $12,000 baby-sized car. When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than a red Power Wheels Jeep, and I would have sold my entire collection of footless Barbies to get one (I chewed all the feet off my Barbies, which probably says a lot about me than I care to know). So yeah, am I jealous that North West got a baby car that’s more expensive than my adult car? Absolutely. The only thing better than a grown-up car is a battery-powered car you can ride through the house.
Just like many women do, botox-brained certified moron Kim Kartrashian gained some chunk while knocked up with her latest fashion accessory. But unlike most women, Kummy Kakes thinks that Godl tested her by drowning her hotness in fat. In Elle UK’s annual
Adobe Appreciation Issue Confidence Issue, Kim injected a whole lot of confidence into every pregnant woman by saying that the weight she gained wasn’t a natural biological reaction to being fetus’d up. It was the lord above teaching her a lesson. Kim dribbled this out:
“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body. I’d be sitting there, nearly 200lbs, crying and swearing this will never happen again, and sometimes I’d actually be laughing about it.”
Kim went on to say that while God might hate her, God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna and the other deities must really, really hate Rob, because have you seen him?
If Kim had a sense of humor, the fillers she injects into her face ate it a long time ago, so I don’t think she’s joking. This is what happens when you have Kanye in your ear.
If there is a God and they care about Kim for some reason, they wouldn’t punish her by putting pregnancy weight on her body. They’d punish her by making her Google loon balloon ass smaller, because then what would she oil up and stick out on the cover of Paper? If anything Kim and her family of soul suckers are God’s punishment against humanity for making fame whores more famous. And here I am kontributing to it. I will try to make it up to the gods above by reciting the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song 100 times. (The GG theme song is my answer to Hail Mary.)
Here’s some pictures of Kim taking her rubber spatula face for a walk in NYC.
Sometimes I’m grateful that I have the memory of a taxidermy goldfish. Case in point: I totally forgot to DVR that Eaten Alive mess on Discovery and I totally forgot to watch it last night. I dodged a bullet of boredom and it sounds like Eaten Alive was about as riveting as my chihuahua chewing on the carrot nose of his snowman plush toy for 10 minutes.
For weeks, Discovery has been whoring the shit out of a 2-hour special that was supposed to show naturist Paul Rosolie and his black magic twisty worm brows get swallowed whole by an anaconda in the Amazon. Paul had a special suit made and the plan was for him to get sucked up into the anaconda’s body before being pulled to safety by his team. Deadline says that the special was a flop from the beginning. Paul and his team spent 75% of the special trying to catch a gigantic 25-foot anaconda he once came cross (Side note: If you’ve got a gutter brain like me, then those words made you picture Paul fapping on the Hammaconda) during an expedition in the Amazon. That anaconda wanted nothing to do with Paul’s STUNT QUEEN stunt and after they failed to capture it, they decided to use some smaller understudy anaconda they had on standby.
If you hated yourself enough to watch NBC’s Christmas in Rockefeller last night, you probably wondered if it was the sweet nectar talking or did that gold Prometheus statue really roll his eyes during LeAnn Rimes’ performance. He did. Even he couldn’t take LeAnn Rimes trying to bring some “sexed up cabaret singer at a country club lounge” glamour during her performance.
The Squinting Chanteuse yodeled out the children’s Christmas song “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” (Side note: When LeAnn sings that song, “hippopotamus” is definitely a euphemism for something else) during the show and about 110 seconds into it, she opened up her coat and revealed her bootleg Madonna circa 1990 outfit. The pin-up Grinch went on to holler out more musical notes as she flashed her thigh highs and jiggled those chichis for the children. Sarah Palin might want to move the battle lines to LeAnn’s house, because this is definitely a declaration of war on Christmas:
That performance was probably a joy for LeAnn and LeAnn alone, but her joy was short-lived.
Seen above looking like a cast member in the all-Muppets version of a Stepford Wives remake, Teresa Giudice of The Real Grifters of New Jersey is as broke as her forehead and owes a shit load in restitution and has to pay the $13 million she and her husband Juicy Joe swindled from creditors. Where oh where are they going to get that money from? Teresa can’t try to get a $14 million loan using fake W2s, because every bank has got their number now. A leaked sex tape is out of the question since bestiality porn is still illegal. But don’t worry, Teresa’s got a genius plan. She’s suing her lawyer!
On Watch What Happens Live last month, Teresa cried and whined about how her lawyers sucked and they’re the reason why she’s going to jail for 15 months in January. Yeah, the fact that Teresa and Juicy Joe committed fraud has nothing to do with why they’re both going to the clink. It’s the lawyer’s fault! Teresa is really taking this “blame the lawyers” thing all the way, because Page Six says that she has filed a $5 million malpractice lawsuit against her bankruptcy lawyer James Kridel.
Teresa and Juicy Joe filed for bankruptcy in 2009, claiming they were $11 million in debt. Teresa claims in her lawsuit against Kridel that he screwed up the bankruptcy paperwork by not including her income, business interest, rental income and certain bank accounts. Kridel’s supposed fuck-up led to the feds’ investigation, which led to her going to the clink. via Page Six
“Kridel failed to perform a reasonable investigation concerning the petition, schedules and statement of financial affairs,” the suit says.
The Madison Avenue lawyer’s “failure to exercise that degree of reasonable knowledge and skill that lawyers of ordinary ability and skill possess” caused her lost income, legal fees, botched business deals and public ridicule, the suit says.
That didn’t cause her public ridicule. Teresa being Teresa on reality TV caused her public ridicule.
Teresa is screaming malpractice and wants $5 million from Kridel.
Yes, everyone knows that Teresa is going to prison because of Teresa, but maybe she’s on to something. Suing her bankruptcy lawyer is a good start, but she really should go all out and blame everybody but herself. Teresa should sue the makers of the pen she used to sign those documents, because they obviously played a part in her downfall. She should also sue the makers of the paper those documents were printed on. She should sue the creator of currency and the founders of the banks she and Juicy Joe swindled, because she might not be going to jail if they didn’t exist. Finally, she should sue the government for making fraud illegal, because that law is just stupid.
Oh, and she might as well get a head start and sue the lawyer she’s using to sue her bankruptcy lawyer, because if the lawsuit gets thrown out it will be their fault. Sue them all, Tre!
Don’t worry, the dog is fine. Sure, he might suffer from chronic doggy lung damage after breathing in Justin Bieber’s douche fumes, but that has nothing to do with the two-storey fall off a balcony. But how did Justin Bieber’s dog end up being tossed over a balcony in the first place, you may be asking. According to TMZ, it all started a year ago when the human expired Go-Gurt tube and his father Jeremy adopted an American Bulldog puppy they named Karma. Yes, they gave their dog a stripper name. Would you expect anything less from these two dildos? Anyways, I guess Justin is still too little to take care of a puppy, so Karma went to live with Bieber Sr. in Canada. Because Justin is living proof that Jeremy is really good at raising things.
Once Karma moved up north, Jeremy hired a trainer to make sure the dog didn’t go all Cujo, but Karma was still a bit of a mess and he ended up biting one of Jeremy’s other kids, Jaxon. Karma’s trainer Trevor Dvernichuk says that’s when Jeremy allegedly grabbed Karma and threw him off a second storey balcony into a snowbank, hissing at Trevor to take the dog and not to bring him back till Karma is properly socialized.
The only problem (well, besides the fact that assholes are still allowed to own dogs) is that Trevor still has Karma and has been telling everyone that Justin and Jeremy pretty much abandoned his ass. However, Jeremy says Trevor stole Karma, and now he’s getting the police involved so he can get Karma back. Meanwhile in California, Karma’s other deadbeat daddy Justin Bieber is also dealing with the police, but it’s because somebody called the cops on him for being an obnoxious little shit on his skateboard.
Say it with me now: THIS FAMILY IS TRASH! Throwing a dog off a balcony? Hay-zoos, even Michael Vick is like “Errr…“. Although part of me thinks that Jeremy didn’t actually throw Karma off the balcony, but that Karma jumped to get away from those awful garbage people.
And I really hope that if Karma is returned to Jeremy, he lives up to his name and comes back to literally bite Jeremy in the ass.
Kirk Cameron has been on a roll lately. The child star turned evangelical turd is on a mission to save Christmas (and whatever is left os his diarrhea dingle of a career) and he recently shat up a stocking coal of a movie called Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Kirk’s latest shit show is only at 8% (with an audience score of 39%) on Rotten Tomatoes and most critics say watching it is like opening up a box full of wet dog caca. Kirk has been begging his “fans” to flood Rotten Tomatoes with positive reviews to bring his movie’s percentage up. It’s what Jesus would want them to do. While in the middle of desperately trying to take his movie from rotten to fresh, Everything Is Terrible posted an entertainingly fucked up supercut of Kirk Cameron and some other dude talking about gays on The Way Of The Master Television.
On Saturday, Jose Canseco – the human manifestation of the word DURR – made everyone do a quick reach for the brain bleach when he tweeted that the middle finger he accidentally shot off while cleaning his guns several weeks earlier and had reattached at a later date by (I’m assuming) Dr. Nick Riviera’s less-qualified cousin, had fallen off during a poker game. Jose even claimed that there was a video of his rotten hand sausage falling on to the poker table, so naturally, purveyors of good taste TMZ asked Jose if they could get a copy. That’s when Jose came clean and said there was no video of his frankenfinger falling off, because it never happened.
TMZ says that Jose admitted that he decided to pull the gross prank after he saw a fake severed finger at a Halloween store and thought it would be funny to pretend it was his and sell it on eBay. Wait, hold up, stop the ride – Jose pulled his finger “prank” on November 15th, two whole weeks after Halloween. Are we to assume it took him more than two weeks to compose a tweet that said “Whoops my busted finger fell off“? Actually, it’s Jose Canseco we’re talking about – I should be more surprised that it only took his brain two weeks. Carry on!
So what did happen to Jose’s frankenfinger? According to TMZ, it’s still there on his hand – even though Jose has been tweeting all week that he only has nine fingers, like in this love poem he wrote:
That’s probably not even part of the prank; that’s just Jose confusing the fake Halloween finger for the real thing. “Oh shit, my finger fell off again! And when did I get these vampire teeth? Looks like Jose is a 9-fingered dracula now.”
Since there’s not a law in Nevada that states that you must be able to spell gun in order to buy a gun, Jose Canseco owns guns. Jose’s actress/model girlfriend Leila Knight tells the NYDN that while cleaning one of his four guns at the kitchen table in his Las Vegas house yesterday, the gun somehow went off and a bullet nearly took off his left hand’s middle finger. Leila says that the oaf with steroids-infused tissue mush for brains didn’t know the gun was loaded. Yes, any person with at least one working brain cell would disassemble the gun before cleaning it, but this is Jose Canseco we’re talking about. As a sly smile made an appearance on Darwin’s face in heaven, Leila Knight told the NYDN about Jose Canseco’s latest act of pure dumb fuckery:
“He had been at the shooting range a few days earlier. He didn’t know it was loaded. The middle finger was hanging by a thread, and I wrapped his hand in a towel and then called 911. The doctors said they would either have to amputate or do reconstructive surgery. But if they do surgery, he won’t be able to use it again. He blew away an artery and a big bone chunk.”
Leila took out a restraining order against Jose in 2011 after she says he harassed her on and off Twitter, so yesterday the cops asked her if the two of them had been fighting. Leila says that he wasn’t trying to shoot her or anything. He’s just dumber than a popped steroid pimple:
“At first the police asked me if we were in a fight. I said of course we weren’t. We have four guns in the house. We are now going to have zero. I hate guns. Jose is a little freaked out. He keeps saying, ‘Sorry, sorry.’ But we’re extremely lucky, lucky it wasn’t worse, or that he didn’t shoot me.”
Poor Jose. If doctors can’t re-attach his finger, he’ll only be able to count to 9 if he’s fully clothed, 19 if he’s not wearing shoes and 19 and a half if he’s naked. I don’t know much about guns, but I didn’t know that they can accidentally just go off like that. That gun delivered the ultimate “fuck you” to Jose by taking away his left hand’s ability to throw a “fuck you” at a trick.
Anderson Cooper was in Ottawa last night to report on the horrific shootings at the National War Memorial and Parliament. He was not there to have a kiki and take selfies. Vandon Gene (which is now the scientific name for the douche gene), an aspiring journalist type for the Sun News Network, didn’t get that memo, I guess.
Mediaite says that Vandon saw The Silver Fox and thought it would be a really good idea to pull some Selfies At Serious Places foolery by asking him to take a picture together near the spot where a soldier was killed. Anderson firmly and sternly told him that he was being highly inappropriate and it’s not the time or place for stupid shit like selfies. When Anderson Cooper spanks you verbally in the ears, you shut your mouth and make a vow to never wash out your ear holes again because they’ve been slapped by the voice of The Silver Fox. Vandon didn’t shut his mouth. Instead he uploaded the video of The Silver Fox telling him off and then tweet whined about it.
Vandon tweeted (and later deleted) a tantrum stream of whiny tweets where he said that Anderson is an ass for “exploiting” the Ottawa tragedy and can’t believe The Silver Fox would criticize someone for asking for a photo. The Silver Fox sharpened his nails and scratched back on Twitter:
Vandon tweeted out an apology, but it was too late. The damage was already done. Or was it, because he obviously got all the attention he wanted.
Not even I would be that tacky, gross and trashy. I’d wait until he was done, follow him to his SUV and before he got in, I’d politely ask him for a picture. After he firmly shook his head no, told me to stop being trash and let me know that the restraining order is still in place, I’d softly say, “You’re right. I’m sorry. But can you please yell at me one more time?” That’s how you’re supposed to handle it. Have some decorum, VG.