Justin Bieber is currently terrorizing Melbourne, which really makes no sense to me. How did he get into Australia so easily? Johnny Depp’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, are forcibly deported, but yet Justin Beiber is allowed in without being quarantined? Justin Bieber is more of a threat against the people of Australia than two foreign Yorkies are!
Matt Damon already shat up his eyeroll-inducing thoughts on racial diversity in Hollywood, and now he’s back to shit up his thoughts about how actors should keep their sexuality and private lives to themselves. Matt Damon definitely practices what he preaches, because he has always been an enigma wrapped in seven layers of mystery. His rep has NEVER issued statements about his private life and he’s NEVER brought his wife or husband to an event. We know nothing about Matt Damon’s life!
Chris Brown continued to make wonderful decisions by getting a gigantic tattoo on his head. Well, at least he’s abusing his own head instead of someone else’s. So there’s that. Chris threw up evidence of his new work of art on Instagram, but quickly snatched it down. But by the time he yanked it down, it had already been saved and passed around.
Complex says Chris’ head tattoo is supposed to be Venus de Milo and it sort of looks like Venus de Milo as seen through the eyes of that amazing court room artiste who captured Tom Brady as his true self. That tattoo looks more like a nauseous Lena Dunham with a plastic bag covering her hair. But seriously, after looking at it up close, I love it!
Just like Justin Bieber’s Sassy Jesus tattoo, Chris’ Venus de Side-Eye tattoo is judging him for all of his bad decisions so we don’t have to. It’s the greatest thing he’s ever done!
Kelly Osbourne Wants Donald Trump To Ask Himself: “If We Kick Out All The Latinos, Who Is Going To Clean My Toilet?”
Giuliana Rancic doesn’t have to worry about doing an hour on the treadmill today, because she probably burned hundreds of calories from cackling over Twitter calling Kelly Osbourne a privileged racist today.
I guess whoever wrote Giuliana’s joke about dreads is now writing Kelly Osbourne’s note cards. Kelly was a guest c0-host on The View today and once again the topic of Donald Trump’s shitty comments about Mexican immigrants came up. Kelly started by saying that Donald’s comments were racist and then she dribbled out a stream of messiness that made everyone hit the brakes and say, “Wha?!”
Donald Trump’s Lawyer Goes Crazy On Reporters For Writing About Ivana Trump’s “Rape” Allegation (UPDATE)
The glamorous power of the choker and an exquisite ruffled bridesmaids cocktail dress. They look stunning even next to that soggy clump of doggy butt hair. But I digress….
During Donald Trump and Ivana Trump’s divorce fight in the 90s, she used the word “rape” to describe some violent and terrifying shit she went through one night in 1989. Ivana claimed that Trump went insane on her after getting a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot. (I think the doctors accidentally removed whatever was left of his brain too.) Ivana once used the same plastic surgeon that Trump used to get his bald spot removed, so he blamed her and freaked out on her. Trump pulled out fistfuls of hair from her scalp and forced her to have sex. Ivana said it was a “violent assault.” Ivana later said that she didn’t mean she was raped in the literal sense. She meant that she was emotionally violated. Author Harry Hurt III wrote about the assault in the Trump biography titled “The Lost Tycoon,” which came out in 1993.
The Daily Beast wanted to write about the allegation because of Jabba the Trump’s comments about how Mexico is importing rapists and drug dealers into the US. The Daily Beast talked to one of Trump’s lawyers, Michael Cohen, about it and the shit, piss, vomit and blood hit the fan. You know that saying? “He is his father’s son.” Well, Michael Cohan is his client’s lawyer. That doesn’t really make sense, but you know what I mean. Michael Cohen went full Donald Trump on The Daily Beast’s asses.
Over the weekend, the British royals were hit with an ESCANDALOSO video and surprisingly, it wasn’t a video of Prince Philip choking out a basket of kittens for looking at him wrong. The Sun released an old, grainy video of a 7-year-old Queen Elizabeth (who was Princess Elizabeth back then) doing the Nazi salute with her known Nazi sympathizer uncle Edward, her sister Princess Margaret and their mom. The clip came from the royal family’s personal archives. Buckingham Palace said at the time that they are considering suing whores and will investigate this “invasion of privacy.” Well, the Daily Telegraph says that there’s a chance the leak came from INSIDE THE PALACE!
50 Cent is still playing the “Help me, I’m poor” card (even though it’s abundantly clear that he’s not broke) and apparently it’s working on someone. TMZ says that 50 Cent’s fans think he’s dining on paper-thin slices of bread in the poor house, so they’ve created a virtual Styrofoam cup and started begging for change on his behalf. And it’s literally the equivalent of pocket change.
One of 50’s fans created a website called www.help50cent.tumblr.com to help put some money back into 50’s pocket by streaming his song “Piggy Bank.” Judging by that picture above, they’re as good at Photoshop as 50 Cent is at pretending he’s poor. According to the Tumblr, Spotify will put $0.0011 into 50 Cent’s bank account every time someone plays “Piggy Bank.” So far, they’ve raised a whopping $8.21, which is still $8.21 more than what I thought they’d make. Honestly though – $8.21? They’d make more money digging through the couch cushions or cleaning out their car.
If you go by the list of creditors 50 Cent recently gave to his bankruptcy judge, collecting fractions of pennies isn’t going to do shit to help his imaginary financial problem. The documents say that 50 Cent owes a total of $26 million. He owes $137,880 to Bentley, $64,909 to American Express, and $1,737.33 to his grandpa Curtis Jackson Sr. His grandpa! You’re a real deadbeat when your own grandpa is like “…and don’t forget those 33 cents.”
Here’s 50 Cent looking like the long-lost fifth member of the Pink Ladies in London, England earlier today. Hmmm, I wonder if his broke ass flew coach? Answer: NOPE.
I don’t know that much about life, but I do know that it’s probably not a good idea to threaten to beat up Mexico’s biggest drug lord who just escaped out of prison and is responsible for thousands of murders. But since Donald Trump’s brain checked out of his head a long time ago, he threatened to beat up a Mexican drug lord on Twitter.
As you probably know, the head of the Sinaloa Cartel, Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán Loera, escaped out of a Mexican prison for the second time over the weekend. I used the word “escaped,” because I’m not sure what the word is for “being escorted by the prison guards he paid off to the elaborate escape tunnel his minions built.” Since Trump’s shitty words about Mexican immigrants got him a whole lot of attention, he has kept on, kept on, and used the El Chapo news to bring more attention to himself. Jabba the Trump went on a weird Twitter rant where he said that he’d issue a beat down on El Chapo if he was president.
When I was a kid (Side note: A white hair appears in my ear every time I type “When I was a kid…“), I got $1, if that, for every tooth and $2 for molars from the Tooth Fairy. But well, I guess when you add inflation and a shit mom who needs to buy her child’s love, you get $300 a toof!
Porn star, Christian author, vagina mold mogul, ear drum assaulter, walking billboard for tragic plastic surgery, reality show trick and Mother of the Century Farrah Abraham tweeted a picture of her 6-year-old daughter Sophia posing in front of a treasure trove of gifts from the Tooth Fairy. For just two front teeth, Sophia got six $100 bills, jewelry from Claire’s and a sequined purse. Sophia must be a seriously heavy sleeper, because how in the hell did she not wake up when the Tooth Fairy slipped that purse under her pillow?
Farrah shared the picture with her followers, because she’s Fame Whore Farrah and if the moment isn’t captured on camera, it didn’t happen. Also, Farrah worked her ass and coochie off (I was going to add “mouth,” but we’ve all seen her beej skills) for that money so why not show it off?
— Farrah Abraham (@F1abraham) July 12, 2015
Don’t spend it all in one place, Sophia…. Unless that one place is called “future therapy fund,” then okay. But seriously…
Farrah is dumb for broadcasting this to the world, because now the scammers are going to trick her and it’s not hard. Farrah probably forgets what her daughter looks like since they’re usually doing their own thing. So scam artists are going to put on a brown wig, black out a few teeth with a Sharpie, make fake fallen teeth out of Styrofoam, get on their knees and walk up to Farrah to say, “Hello mother. It is I, your daughter Sophia. I lost three teeth. That will be $900 please.” Farrah will pull out a stack of hundreds and since she can’t count, she’ll just hand the wad over. It’s the perfect con!
Reason #1 For Why It’s Not A Good Idea To Wear All Your Clothes On A Flight Instead Of Paying An Extra Baggage Fee
It’s hard out there for a boy band member who doesn’t have One Direction or *NSYNC circa 2001 money. James McElvar (who is giving me young Chris Crocker in that picture) is a member of some Scottish boy group I’ve never heard of called Rewind and he doesn’t get to travel on private jets and lounge in a mink-covered seat as he sips on diamond-infused champagne while his assistants load his Louis Vuitton trunks full of designer clothes onto the plane. James and his boy bandmates have to fly Easyjet and they have to deal with Easyjet’s added fees. But James learned the hard way that it’s better to pay the fee than almost die from skinny jeans suffocation.
The BBC says that on Wednesday, 19-year-old James tried to get on a flight from Stansted to Glasgow with a suitcase and a backpack, but Easyjet would only allow him to bring on one bag without paying. James would’ve had to open up his wallet and pull out £45 in order to bring an extra bag on the plane. James didn’t want to pay the extra fee and he didn’t have to thanks to a genius plan. James decided to outsmart those greedy whores at Easyjet by wearing everything that was in his backpack. James put on six t-shirts, four sweaters, three pairs of skinny jeans, two pairs of sweats, two jackets and two hats. Anyone who has lived through a NYC winter is pfft-ing at that shit, because we’ve all worn that exact same outfit while walking to the bar in the middle of January.
James took off a few layers when he got on the plane, but I guess it didn’t help. Halfway through the flight, he started barfing and collapsed due to heat exhaustion. He had to be given oxygen by paramedics while on the plane. James told The Sun (via People) that he thought he was going to die and I’m sure he had flashes of his tombstone which would’ve read: He Died A Cheap Bitch.
“The woman said either one bag went in the hold or we weren’t getting on. The rest of the band had gone through so I couldn’t give them any of the clothes. I was told I’d either have to pay a £45 fee to get it on the plane, get the flight the next morning, bin the clothes or wear them. I thought I was a goner and that I was having a heart attack.”
The band’s Twatter said that James is still in shock, but that he’s fully recovered.
On one hand, James’ crotch huevos probably look like two raw chickpeas from getting the life suffocated out of them. On the other hand, we all know who Rewind is now and some people may take pity on them and buy their album so they can afford extra baggage fees. Well played, Rewind.