Category: Dumbasses

Teresa Giudice’s Crisis Manager Dropped Her Ass For Asking A Judge To Send Her To The “Orange Is The New Black” Prison

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

On January 5, 2015, Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey begins serving the 15 months she got for taking part in the grifting schemes orchestrated by that shady chimp Juicy Joe and instead of trying to cooperate with the Bureau of Prisons, bitch is making accommodation requests.

Teresa’s Cha-Ka in bad drag looking ass hired legal crisis manager, Wendy Feldman, to help her deal with the orange diarrhea puddle that is her legal problems, but that relationship is now over. Wendy tells E! News that she erased Teresa’s name from her client list after that mess sent a letter to the judge begging to be sent to Danbury Federal Prison in Connecticut (where Orange is the New Black takes place). Wendy never approved the letter and wouldn’t ever let Teresa pull a move like that. Wendy spit this up to E!:

“I am not the consultant referred to in filing. This is clearly not the first time my advice has not been followed, but this is the time where the stakes are the highest. Both for my clients and myself, I work hard to maintain a strong relationship with the Bureau of Prisons. As I’ve tried to instruct Teresa, this is a process that must be respected. A designation to a camp is a gift, not a requirement from the BOP and the judge. By making this request, Teresa has jeopardized months of work, months of preparation and in fact may jeopardize where she is ultimately designated or sent to.

My ultimate responsibility is to all of my clients, not just to Teresa. I’m hopeful that, at some point, a change occurs and rehabilitation begins. My thought and wishes will always be with her children.”

That isn’t the only request Teresa made. What Teresa lacks in brain cells, she makes up for in gall, because TMZ says that her lawyer sent a letter to the judge claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve 12 months of her 15 month sentence in a halfway house instead of prison. Prosecutors shat on Teresa’s request and told the judge that convicted criminals don’t get to downgrade their punishment.

Teresa Giudice once said, “I don’t want to live in somebody else’s house. That’s gross,” so I’m surprised and disappointed in her that she didn’t ask the judge to build her a new prison, because she doesn’t want to live in somebody else’s prison. That’s gross. (Cut to the judge opening a letter from Teresa claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve her sentence in a new prison built for her because used prisons are gross.)

And Teresa probably wants to go to Danbury, because she thinks Orange is the New Black is a documentary and thinks they really shoot there. Teresa doesn’t want to be away from her only true love, the cameras, and ripping them apart would be the biggest punishment of all.

Is Blake NotSoLively The New Paula Deen Or The New Shia LaBeouf Or A Little Of Both?

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Pat yourself on the taint and collect your winnings if you guessed “3 months TOPS” in the “How long before Preserve.us completely fists itself in the ass without lube?” office pool. In Preserve’s defense, it took Dlisted 2 days to do that.

On Monday, Gawker called out Blake NotSoLively and her answer to GOOP, Preserve.us, for their tone-deaf fashion spread titled “Allure of Antebellum.” No, the spread wasn’t filled with a rich plantation owner’s wife in a hoop skirt and wide-brimmed hat sipping sweet tea as her slave fanned her. The spread featured pictures of a Blake look-alike in crap clothes you could buy from Talbots. The pictures are pretty harmless by themselves (except for those overpriced ass clothes), but Gawker called them out for romanticizing the Antebellum South and calling it a time of “beauty and grace” while leaving out all that slavery stuff. Basically, in Blake’s mind that era was just like Gone with the Wind. And with that, Paula Deen totally wants to get naked, lube Blake’s mind up with butter and make sweet, sweet love to it.

»

Working Mother Goopy Paltrow Demands Equal Pay For All

October 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking frazzled, worn out and tired after spending 10 long minutes telling the weekday morning chef how to properly make a quinoa, flaxseed and cloudberry breakfast tart for Apple and Moses (the plight of a working mother), Goopy Paltrow hosted a Democratic National Committee Fundraiser in the backyard of the Haus of GOOP in Brentwood last night. When she wasn’t GOOPing in her $900 French silk chonies over President Obama, she continued to be the Norma Rae of our time by fighting for the working class!

Buzzfeed says that 250 guests, including Julia Roberts and Bradley Whitford, paid anywhere from $1,000 to $32,400 to watch President Obama speak. Actually, I don’t think anybody “watched” him speak since their eyeballs rolled onto their freshly baked wood-burned pizzalets when Goopy Paltrow mouth farted out her usual shit while introducing him. Ever since Goopy got an ocean full of diarrhea dropped on her for saying that she, a famous millionaire, has it so much harder than regular 9 to 5 working moms, she’s been pedaling hard on the damage control cycle. While introducing Obama last night, Goopy pulled a Goopy. via the NYDN

Paltrow cited sustainable energy efforts as well as Obama’s push for equal pay, which she called ‘Very important to me as a working mother.’”

Bitch always has to find a way to GOOP it up. She was fine until she threw in “as a working mother.” Goopy really knows the trials and tribulations of your average working mother. I mean, Goopy has to shoot one whole film a year to pay all the au pairs, chefs, chauffeurs, tutors, nutritionists, acupuncturists and butlers who take care of her two children. The other day, Goopy had to tell her contractor to do the pool in Capri in Carrara marble instead of crushed diamond tiles because she has to cut the budget. Goopy is barely making ends meet! Do something about this, Obama!

Goopy then gushed from every orifice as she flirted with Obama. Buzzfeed says these words came out of her mouth:

- “I am one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest.

- “It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass.”

- “You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly.”

Um, but does she ever speak properly? Since the sight of Obama makes Goopy almost speechless, we now know that the quickest way to get her to shut the fuck up is to show her a picture of Obama.

Teresa Giudice Blames Her Lawyers For Getting 15 Months In Jail

October 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Teresa Giudice, the table-flipping terror of New Jersey and a woman who’s last name I still cannot properly pronounce (it’s not “Gwah-dah-dice-ee“, I know that much) and her husband Donkey Kong were on Watch What Happens Live last night to boo-hoo about getting sent to the cellblock after they were caught being a couple of fraud-pulling money-snatching liars. Obviously the whole thing was a damn mess. Teresa pouted and worked some soft-spoken Sunday School teacher realness for the cameras, while her husband squeezed himself into another too-tight suit and sat there looking like a ripe zit about to pop.

There were many wonderful moments, and E! covers most of them (one of my personal favorites is when Teresa plays dumb and acts like ‘Durrrr, doesn’t everyone just sign every random tax-evading form their husbands give them to sign?’), but the most “Bitch, I know you’re already sitting, but you need to take a seat” moment came when Teresa blamed her lawyers for not explaining clearly enough what a plea agreement was, and that’s why she’s going to jail for 15 months.

»

Michael Phelps Is Swimming Off To Rehab

October 5, 2014 / Posted by:

After getting caught for the second time driving too damn fast and drunk out of his damn dolphin mind, the gold medal-winning DURRR-looking water baby Michael Phelps will do the backstroke all the way to rehab. TMZ says that earlier this morning, the Geico Cavemen’s athletic younger half-brother dove onto Twitter (ok, I’ll stop with the swim jokes now) to grunt out another “I so sowwy” and confess that Mama Debbie will be driving his dumb double DUI ass to the ‘hab so he can dry out (that doesn’t technically count as a swim joke, right?)

»

SHARE

Michael Phelps Earns His Second Gold Medal In Dumbassery (UPDATE)

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I know that celebrity deaths supposedly comes in threes, but do celeb whore DUIs really need to come in threes too? Two days after Amanda Bynes got put into handcuffs for driving while allegedly high on Adderall, the Geico caveman with a buzzcut known as Michael Phelps was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Baltimore, Maryland this morning. Bitch swims like a fish and drinks like a fish. Moron should’ve swam home! Something tells me that Debbie Phelps is not having a Chico’s kind of day today. Michael Phelps is to blame and he should be jailed for life for that.

The Baltimore Sun says that Michael Phelps’ white Range Rover was pulled over at around 1:40am on Interstate-395 after he was clocked by an officer’s radar going 84mph in a 45mph zone. The officer checked Michael Phelps’ speed while his dumb ass was going through a tunnel. During the stop, the officer noticed that the Cro-Magnon dolphin seemed drunk. In Michael Phelps’ defense, he always has that dead-eyed derp look about him. But Michael was plastered and according to the cop, he failed a series of standard field sobriety tests. He was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speed, and crossing double lane lines. He was later released.

This is Michael Phelps’ second DUI. In 2004, he got caught drunk driving and later pleaded guilty in exchange for 18 months probation.

Well, the good news is that Animal Planet’s eventual biopic of the Olympian dolphin starring Adam Driver just got juicier.

TMZ asked Michael Phelps’ fellow Team USA teammate Ryan Lochte about this mess and he dribbled this out:

“I’m not concerned … he just makes dumb decisions. He has so much money to get a driver. I even have a driver. Just stinks for the sport of swimming. But he will become smarter from this. Luckily he did not hurt himself or someone else.”

When Ryan Lochte, whose head is filled with nothing but chlorine water and Cool Water fumes, comes off as the voice of reason and calls you out for making dumb decisions, then it’s time to swim off to a corner of the pool to get it together.

UPDATE: Michael Phelps is sowwy.

“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding, and crossing double lane lines. I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”

Pic: AP

The Situation Is Facing Time In The Clink For Tax Fraud

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Before we get into the latest stupid, dumb shit done by the pus-filled wart clinging to the Jersey Shore’s right ass lip, I have a very important question to ask. Is it just me or does that lady in the black’s right arm look like a big, cut dick thanks to her bra strap falling? I soooo would.

Juicy Joe from The Real Grifters Of New Jersey better save the top bunk in his cell for a fellow reality show skid mark, because The Situation has been indicted on two counts of filing false returns and one count of conspiracy. We already knew this, but The Situation has the brains of a broken duck phone, because he allegedly filed false tax returns from 2010-2012. The IRS says he pulled in $8.9 million during those years. NJ.com says that The Situation and his brother Marc (not the one he beat up in the family tanning salon) are accused of failing to pay taxes on money made by two companies they own. The prolapsed urethra and his brother allegedly fixed their returns to make it look like they didn’t owe the IRS any more money and they wrote off fancy cars and clothes as business expenses. The Situation didn’t file a return in 2011 and he apparently made $1.95 million that year. The U.S. Attorney in NJ released this statement:

“Michael and Marc Sorrentino filed false tax returns that incorrectly reported millions made from promotions and appearances. The brothers allegedly also claimed costly clothes and cars as business expenses and funneled company money into personal accounts. The law is absolutely clear: telling the truth to the IRS is not optional.”

The Shituation and his brother turned themselves in to authorities this afternoon and were released on $250,000 bail. His lawyers claim they’re not guilty. They will be arraigned on October 6th. If prosecutors go for the maximum punishment and he’s convicted, The Situation could get up to ten years in the chokey and get hit with $850,000 in fines. I was going to ask what the prison equivalent of GTL is, but I’m pretty sure it’s still GTL since every New Jersey prison cell is equipped with a tanning bed.

Besides the obvious, two other heinous crimes have been committed here:

1. That AXE-scented ass burp made $8.9 million in three years!

2. The year is 2014 and I’m writing about The Situation. Indict me for that shit.

Here’s The Situation leaving the federal court house in Newark today, if you care:

Pic: Splash

FINALLY, Clay Aiken’s Thoughts On The Fappening

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

We can finally close the chapter on The Fappening now that we have future North Carolina Congessman Clay Aiken’s thoughts on it. Clay did an interview with The Washington Post (via HuffPo) about his campaign and they asked him what he thinks about Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence and dozens of other celebrities finding their naked pictures spread all over the Internet after they got hacked. Jennifer Lawrence won’t be getting a sympathy bouquet of carnations and balloons from Clay Aiken anytime soon, because he thinks that she and all of the other celebrities who took pictures of their nipples and coochies got exactly what they deserve.

“Anybody who takes inappropriate pictures of themselves deserves exactly what they get.”

Clay probably said that with confidence, because he just finished up yanking every pictures of his peen and spread ass cheeks off of THE CLOUD.

Clay’s definition of “inappropriate” is totally different than mine. Pictures of tits, ass and chocha aren’t “inappropriate” to me. I mean, it’s just tits, ass and chocha. Now that picture of Clay Aiken in full Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream drag is highly inappropriate to me. It still haunts my nightmares.

Since taking pictures of your half-naked body is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE to Clay, I’m guessing he didn’t feel any sympathy for himself when a trick he allegedly tried to hook up with on the Internet sold their conversation and webcam shots of him to The National Enquirer. (Clay has always denied that this is his ass.)

clayaikenwebcam2014

Clay also told The Washington Times that the hackers deserve to be hogtied and then he swerved back into the political lane since he’s a serious politician now.

“Of course whoever [stole and released the photos] should be hogtied. And it’s unfortunate that we don’t have Internet security right now or the laws in place to protect people from pirating that stuff.”

I know what Clay is really trying to do here. When Clay opens up his email every single morning, the first thing he sees is a picture of a 40-something Claymate with her mom jeans and cotton granny panties pulled down to her knees and on her crotch is a bushy patch of pubes with his initials shaved into them. This is his way of telling them to stop.

CeeLo Green Wet Farted Up Another Non-Apology After His Show On TBS Got Canceled

September 3, 2014 / Posted by:

One snot bubble of a non-apology wasn’t enough for CeeLo Green, so he snorted out a second snot bubble of a non-apology.

The chunky Ghoulie found himself neck deep in a whole lot of cold shit the other day when he told his Twitter followers that it’s not rape if the person is unconscious and doesn’t remember it happening. Those diarrhea-embedded tweets came out of CeeLo after he pleaded “no contest” to one felony count of furnishing a controlled substance. The woman he drugged claims he also raped her, but he’s always denied that. The day after CeeLo schooled everyone on the definition of rape, TBS canceled his reality show The Good Life and a source claims that the cancellation has nothing to do with the smegma he spewed and they had already planned to throw his show in a grave before he said that shit. Sure they did.

After his show was killed, the diabolical bowling bowl once again went into damage control mode and tried to tweet another apology, but this “sorry, not sorry” pile of vomit came out instead:

ceelononapologyagain

Comments attributed to me on Twitter…” That’s a new one. Wait, is that CeeLo’s way of saying that he doesn’t remember tweeting that shit? Well then, those tweets never happened and let’s all move along. Because dumbasses who tweet stupid crap about rape REMEMBER.

CeeLo Green Doesn’t Know How Rape Works

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

A couple of years ago, a woman told police that while on a date with CeeLo Green, he allegedly snuck MDMA into her drink and after she passed out, he raped her. At the time, the long-lost twin of Pile of Chet from Weird Science admitted to “giving” the woman MDMA and having sex with her, but denied raping her. CeeLo was charged with drugging the woman, a felony, and the rape charge was dropped due to lack of evidence. CeeLo recently pleaded no contest” to the drugging charge and he was sentenced to probation and community service. CeeLo probably should’ve left it at that, but he just couldn’t help himself. Yesterday on Twitter, CeeLo dribbled out an incoherent shit stream of words where he said that it’s only rape if the person is conscious. Satan, please come and get your child, because it’s too early in the week for dumbassery like this.

Before CeeLo hit the delete button on all of his tweets, Love B. Scott (via Buzzfeed) got screen shots of them. CeeLo tried to school his followers on the true meaning of “rape” by telling them that it’s not rape if the person who was raped doesn’t remember they were raped. What in “tree falling in a forest” HELL is this midget T-rex talking about? The tweets are after the cut. CAUTION: You will lose at least one brain cell while reading them.

»

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >