Category: Dumbasses

Jabba The Trump Got Dumped By Macy’s

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Univision, NBC, Mop Head, Cristian de la Fuente, Miss Mexico, Roselyn Sanchez, Flo Rida and sanity have just gotten more company on the growing list of people, things and companies that want nothing to do with the yelling anal sac named Donald Trump. Macy’s announced today that it will no longer carry the Chinese made shirts and ties of the furry ass goiter who always goes on about how he’ll create more American jobs if he’s president. Macy’s cut ties with Trump after a petition asking them to drop him got 700,000 signatures. Donald Trump’s comments about how Mexican immigrants are rapey drug mules have fucked with Macy’s money, so they are done with him and are making it sound like their morals and beliefs had something to do with their decision. Macy’s released this statement:

“We are disappointed and distressed by recent remarks about immigrants from Mexico. We do not believe the disparaging characterizations portray an accurate picture of the many Mexicans, Mexican Americans and Latinos who have made so many valuable contributions to the success of our nation. In light of statements made by Donald Trump, which are inconsistent with Macy’s values, we have decided to discontinue our business relationship with Mr. Trump and will phase-out the Trump menswear collection, which has been sold at Macy’s since 2004.”

Because Donald Trump is that herpes outbreak that screams, “You’re not getting rid of me! I’m getting rid of YOU! I’m sick of being stuck to you, loser!” after you put some ointment on it, he’s doing what he did after NBC dropped him. He’s claiming on Instagram that he’s the one who broke up with Macy’s.

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Donald Trump was so bothered by Macy’s selling stuff with his name on it from China that he let them sell that shit for over 10 years. That makes sense! I’m sure Donald Trump will take all that money he made from Macy’s and use it to create American jobs. The first job he creates should be a personal creative writer who will write statements for him that actually make sense.

The executives at Macy’s should go ahead and call their local hospital to let them know that they’re going to need to come in soon to have their lungs re-installed, because they’re definitely going to laugh them out when Donald Trump sues for them for $500 million like he did to Univision. Trump followed up on his promise to sue Univision by filing a lawsuit yesterday for $500 million. Trump says that Univision violated their contract and also violated his right to freedom of speech under the First Amendment. So yeah, Trump definitely doesn’t know how the First Amendment works. What a wonderful quality for a presidential candidate to have!

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Bristol Palin Got Knocked Up On Purpose, So Says Bristol Palin

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Nearly everything that comes out of Bristol Palin’s mouth hole is a certified lie. Two cases in point: 1) When she told everyone that she was keeping her legs closed, because abstinence is the only way, she was going to Fuck Town on the Bareback Highway. 2) When she said in her depressing pregnancy announcement that she really wants privacy, she meant that she wants everybody to pay attention to her as much as possible. Because Bristol threw up more words on her blog yesterday and she had something to say to the “giddy a$$holes” who called her out as the hypocrite she is. (Side note: “Giddy asshole” sounds like the condition my no-no gets when I look at pictures of Prince Hot Ginge.)

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Diddy Got His Ass Arrested For Allegedly Attacking His Son’s Coach (UPDATE)

June 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a fourth-rate Yellow Pages DMC from Run DMC impersonator sticking out of a giant grizzly bear’s pussy, Diddy was arrested by campus police at UCLA this afternoon after he allegedly went crazy on his son’s football coach and threatened to smash a trick with a kettlebell. If you’re like me and don’t know what a kettlebell is, because you only go to the gym to watch buff guys workout and to use the hot tub, this is what a kettlebell looks like:

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TMZ says that the fight went down at the UCLA Athletic Facility today. A source tells TMZ that yesterday, a Strength and Conditioning Coach (Side note: My hair could use a Strength and Conditioning Coach because shit has been brittle and dry lately) screamed at Diddy’s son Justin Combs, who is a defensive back on the team, and rode his ass hard (and not in a sexy way). The coach Sal Alosi allegedly told Justin not to come back until the end of the summer. So Diddy went to UCLA today to have a little talk with Sal Alosi.

A source close to Diddy (Hi Diddly’s publicist!) claims that Sal Alosi refused to see him, but he busted into the office anyway. Sal threatened to call security and shit got serious when Diddy said, “Fine, I’ll call the police.” Sal lost his mind and went after Diddy. Diddy grabbed a kettlebell and held it up, but never hit Sal with it. A UCLA source tells a different story, of course. That source claims that Sal was on the phone when Diddy came into the office. Sal told Diddy to hold on, but the only thing he wanted to hold on to was Sal’s ripped-off head. That source says that Diddy picked up the kettlebell and tried to hit Sal in the head with it.

Diddy was arrested on a charge of assault with a deadly weapon. As of Monday night, Diddy is still in campus jail. (Update: Diddy was transferred to L.A. County jail where he was charged with three counts of assault with a deadly kettlebell, one count of making terrorist threats and one count of battery. He paid the $50,000 bail and was released.)

The entire messy scene is on video, so I’m sure it will show up on TMZ in 3..2….

There’s another layer of fuckery on top of this fuckery enchilada. Sal Alosi used to be a coach for the NY Jets and he was suspended by the NFL in 2010 for purposefully tripping a Miami Dolphins player during a game.

I bet that video looks like a fight on Dance Moms, only bitchier and with more high-pitched screaming. You know what’s hard to believe about this story? I’m having a hard time believing that Diddy actually picked up that kettlebell by himself. I mean, Diddly can’t even hold an umbrella in his delicately manicured hands. Are we sure one of his butlers didn’t pick up the kettlebell for him?

Tom Hanks And Rita Wilson Have Told Their Son To Stay Off Social Media

June 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Chet Haze, the aspiring trust fund “rapper” and British hotel-trashing n-word enthusiast who is now trying to go by the name “Chet Hanx” (because he wants to bring even more shame to his family’s name, I guess) told TMZ that he recently got some very good advice from his parents, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. According to Chet, mommy and daddy have told their 24-year-old son that it may be time to put down the iPhone they definitely paid for and stop posting every dumb thought that escapes from his brain. Finally – confirmation that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are as embarrassed of the shit their son says as the rest of us are.

“My parents, like, they be telling me just to, like, ‘Stay off social media, period’. Like, even before this happened, they would, like, be like, ‘Hey, you know, like, don’t be on Instagram so much.’ But they’re the old generation. They don’t get it. Like, this is the new generation. We do things differently now. You know what I mean? You either gonna get it or you’re not gonna get it.”

If you want to see what it would look like if Forrest Gump had a grandson who was best friends with C-Czar from Kroll Show, here’s the video of Chet’s conversation with TMZ. He also talks about how it’s OK for him to use the n-word, because he identifies with black culture and that it’s an unspoken thing that “white people use that term.” That loud thumping sound you just heard was Tom and Rita banging their heads against their kitchen table.

Pic: Instagram

Flavor Flav Was Arrested In Las Vegas For (Insert Every Misdemeanor Here)

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

That side-eye. That sneer. That mug shot. Flavor Flav looks the way I felt after my 2-day BBB (booze, buffet and beauty in the form of Mimi and Brit Brit) binge in Las Vegas.

Early yesterday morning in Las Vegas, the cops answered, “It’s jail time,” after Flavor Flav asked, “Do you know what time it is?” One of the vanguards who built Vh1’s kingdom of reality show fuckery found himself in handcuffs yesterday after his 2005 black BMW was pulled over for going way too fast. E! News says that at around 12:30 on Thursday morning, highway patrol caught Flavor Flav (born name: William Jonathan Drayton, Jr.) going 73mph in a 45mph zone. That traffic stop led to a treasure trove of charges. Flav was charged with six misdemeanors including DUI, speeding, possession of weed, driving with a suspended license, driving with an open container and driving with a bunk registration.

SAVE BOO AND PISTOL DEPP!

May 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Johnny Derp’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, might get shot up with death juice and sent to heaven because their dumbass, entitled human smuggled them into Australia while ignoring its quarantine laws. Dead Yorkies walking :(

Like many countries, Australia is NOT THE ONE when it comes to animals coming in from foreign places. Dogs coming into Australia from other countries must spend at least 10 days in a government quarantine facility. That’s nothing compared to other countries. (Japan’s quarantine period is up 180 days and some countries don’t even allow foreign dogs in.) When Johnny Depp flew back to Australia from the US on a private jet to continue shooting the 1,800th Pirates of the Caribbean movie, he brought Boo and Pistol with him. Johnny completely ignored Australia’s quarantine laws the same way he ignores basic hygiene upkeep. Boo and Pistol didn’t spend one second in a quarantine facility and they went straight to Johnny’s mansion. Authorities discovered that Boo and Pistol were in the country illegally when a groomer in Maudsland, Queensland posted a picture of them on Facebook and bragged about grooming them.

Lindsay Lohan Still Hasn’t Completed All Those Belated Community Service Hours (UPDATE)

May 7, 2015 / Posted by:

We’re all totally shocked, aren’t we. I hope the force from our jaws dropping at the same time didn’t throw the Earth off its axis. So, remember back in February when Lindsay Lohan tried to pass off her performances in Speed-The-Plow as community service? And then a judge called bullshit and told her she had three months to make up 125 community service hours? Well, TMZ says she still hasn’t done them, and she only has 3 weeks left to complete her hours. Sweet Salty Jesus, it’s like we’re stuck on a goddamn freckled nonsense merry-go-round.

Despite the fact that she recently posted a picture of her alleged community service to Instagram, the community service organization in London that Lohan has been working with has told prosecutors that she’s completed less than 20 hours. To put that into perspective, that’s like taking 3 months to watch I Know Who Killed Me ten times. I know it’s a struggle to watch that shit even once, but come on – if it was that or going to jail…actually, bad example.

Lindsay is due in court today for a progress hearing, and TMZ says that the prosecutor plans on asking the judge for a warrant for her arrest. However, TMZ says there’s no extradition for a misdemeanor, which means the Apricot Ashtray could just stay in London and an arrest would never happen.

This whole mess is the result of a reckless driving charge from 2012, so you’d think that at some point during those 3 years that at least one person in that courtroom would clue in and realize Lindsay Lohan is never going to complete her community service. They might as well sentence her to 300 hours of unicorn wrangling or showing up to work on time. Stop trying to make Lindsay Lohan’s community service happen, it’s not going to happen!

Speaking of, here’s Lindsay being too busy to do community service in London last week. Or maybe blowing greasy air kisses at the paps she called and collecting free shit from a boutique is her community service?

UPDATE: Remember before when I said Lindsay finished less than 20 hours of community service? According to TMZ, LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley admitted to the judge that it was actually 9 hours and 45 minutes. LiLo’s excuse this time: the community service center is too far away. She’s asked that Lindsay finish the rest of her hours in Brooklyn, NY. She has till May 28th to complete 115 hours or else “there will be consequences.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Hell Hath No Fury Like An Onion Crunch Mogul Scorned

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

That dog wants no part of Nick Loeb’s acts of fuckery and I’m with it.

Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé Nick Loeb wrote a New York Times op-ed piece about why he wants complete control of their frozen embryos and I guess The New York Times published it, because they didn’t have anything else. (Dear New York Times, if you ever need a highly interesting and thought-provoking op-ed piece, please ask me to write one about the different flavors of dick cheese or why Homework starring Joan Collins is an underrated masterpiece that belongs in the AFI Hall of Fame.) In the piece, which should be titled, “How To Get Back At The Ex You’re Not Over And Get The Pro-Life Crowd On Your Side While Doing So,” Nick explains why he’s asking a court to ignore what Sofia Vergara wants and let him turn those frozen embryos into humans.

So About That “What The…?” Ending Of The Jinx

March 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Just hours after Robert Durst was arrested in New Orleans for the 15-year-old murder of his friend Susan Berman, the final episode of HBO’s The Jinx aired and in it, the Maenad shark showed criminals what not to do if they’ve already gotten away with a whole bunch of evil shit and want to continue to get away with it. Don’t be an attention whore and open your evil self up to a documentary.

In the finale, the documentary’s director and producer Andrew Jarecki interviewed Robert Durst and confronted him about a new piece of evidence against his ass in the case of Susan Berman’s murder. After Susan Berman was murdered in her home execution-style, someone anonymously sent the police a note with her address and the word “cadaver” on it. The fucker who sent the letter spelled “Beverly” as “Beverley.” While researching Robert Durst and Susan Berman’s murder, the filmmakers of The Jinx found a letter he mailed to her and on the envelope, “Beverly” was spelled “Beverley.” The filmmakers got a forensic document analyzer to look at both notes. The expert declared that yup, the handwriting came from the same trick. When Andrew showed the evidence to Robert Durst, he admitted that the handwriting looked the same and he couldn’t point out which was written by him. It’s impossible to know what Robert Durst is thinking since his demon shark eyes are emotionless and dead, but if you could, you’d clearly see him thinking to himself, “OH SHIT!”

I See Someone Has Been Taking Notes From Beyonce’s Photoshop Expert Again

March 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, at least it’s not as bad as the last time Lindsay Lohan tried to Photoshop her ass, I guess.

Since Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed and doing not much of anything besides kissing Kardashian family ass, you’d think she would use some of that free time to sit her freckled ass down and learn how to Photoshop. But you’d be wrong, because unless Photoshop starts paying her bills, she isn’t going to waste a single second on that shit. And that’s how busted pictures like this are born!

The Apricot Ashtray is still in Paris teaching French rats how to cook, Ratatouille-style, and claiming it as community service hours (NO – she’s there for fashion week), and last night she posted the above picture to Instagram of herself looking like Dancing Pumpkin Guy’s rode hard put away extra thirsty second cousin in a room at the Plaza Athénée, and unless the Plaza Athénée is a carnival-themed hotel and she’s staying in the Fun House Suite, something is very wrong with the ass end of her body. Either she tried to make her ass bigger by pulling it out or tried to shrink her waist and thighs. But I think no matter what she did, we can all agree that it’s a damn mess.

Then again, years of partying, fame whoring, and dollar store spray tans might have done long-term damage to her brain, so maybe this image is actually an accurate representation of what LiLo sees. “Hey, something’s wrong with the door frame – why isn’t it all squiggly?

Pic: Instagram

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