And I know I should clarify, because everything about ABC’s The Bachelor is the worst; except for Molly the dog, who should be given all the roses, Milk Bones, and the stuffed animal of her choice to hump on (she was the greatest thing to ever happen to this messy train wreck). But according to E! Online, Juan “Eees Okae” Pablo is the worst-worst. Wait a second…a guy who ditched his daughter to dry hump a dozen drunk randos in a hot tub turned out to be a jerk? You don’t say!
“Everyone on the show is just so over him and cannot wait for this season to be over,” a source connected with the dating competition series told us.
The insider added that producers and crew members have never been so ready for a season of the Bachelor to end. ”It has not been anyone’s favorite, that’s for sure.”
A second source dished to us that people working on the program have been saying that “he’s the worst bachelor ever.”
Well shucks, that seems awful mean. I wonder why people don’t like Juan Pablo? Let’s see…gay people probably don’t like him because he said they’re all a bunch of dick-hungry sluts. He pissed off a lot of people when he made an R-word joke and then refused to apologize for it. He says he’s a Venezuelan soccer star, but he hasn’t actually played professionally since 2008. He’s pretty much unemployed and still lives at home with his parents. Oh, and he slut shamed a chick he fucked in the ocean.
That’s all we’ve got for now, but it’s still early, so let’s cover all our bases and say he also parks in the handicap spots at the mall, cheats on his taxes, and only tips 6% at Olive Garden. HOW DARE YOU, JUAN PABLO! Those breadsticks deserve at least 15%!!
As expected, Juicy Joe (more like Extra Juicy Joe because he looks like he chewed a piece of Willy Wonka’s three-course meal gum for breakfast) and his gorilla grifting partner Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey did the walk of shamelessness into the Federal Courthouse in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to fraud as part of a plea deal. Juicy and Teresa actually had to repeat the word “guilty” a few times, because the judge had a hard time hearing them over the sound of Melissa Gorga loudly fapping and cackling at the same time in the back row of the court room.
NorthJersey.com says that Juicy Joe pled guilty to 5 counts of fraud and Teresa pled guilty to 4 counts. Last July, they were charged with 41 counts of fraud for faking pay stubs and W-2s to get $5 million in different types of loans. Juicy Joe was also charged with not filing taxes from 2004 through 2008 even though he made around $1 million. They were facing up to 50 years in the chokey, but under the plea deal, Juicy Joe could sit in prison for at least 3 years and Teresa could be making fake tanner out of roach shit and orange peels in prison for 21 to 27 months. In my earlier post about this messiness, I said that there was talk that Teresa could only get probation, but apparently she’s looking at spending time in prison, so she should start practicing stuffing her coochie with the contraband rhinestone and gold accessories she’ll need to properly accessorize her orange jumpsuit.
Sentencing isn’t until July 8th and the judge doesn’t have to stick with the perimeters of the plea deal.
If Juicy and Teresa didn’t take the plea deal, they would’ve gone to trial on April 14th. Since most humans hate these two dumb bitches and the feds had mountains of shit on them, they probably would’ve been found guilty of many of the charges and Bravo would’ve had to fast-track The Real Cellmates of The Edna Mahan Correctional Facility For Women. So these two brain-dead con chimps really had no other choice but to take the deal.
I wonder where Juicy and Teresa’s daughters will go since they are bitch fighting with most of their family members. You know, if Juicy and Teresa left their girls in their big ass mansion to fend for themselves and the power, gas and water was eventually shut off and all they had to eat were wet leaves and a bunch of mice took pity upon them and started to care for them, they’d probably be better off than being raised by these two fuck sores.
Here’s Extra Juicy Joe and Greta Gremlin walking into court today. In Teresa’s defense, she did show the court that she’s not overspending like normal by wearing a coat she made herself with Juicy Joe’s shaved-off butt hairs.
It feels like it was just yesterday when Paula Deen’s deep fried butter kingdom melted into a giant puddle that she snorted up to handle with the pain of losing endorsement deal after endorsement deal. It was actually kind of was yesterday, but Paula has already screamed at Jellyroll to fill that Comeback Train with coal, because she’s ready to choo choo along. Paula has a new company with a $75 million investment, a new restaurant next to Dollywood in Tennessee and she spilled her lard-filled heart to People (via The Wrap) about how she’s ready to come back and doesn’t want to be seen as an N-word hurling mess who longs for glory days of slavery.
Paula said that she knows how “that black football player” (uh, she’s talking about Michael Sam) feels, because he just wants to be known as a football player instead of a “gay” football player and she just wants to be known as a humanized artery clog instead of a “disgraced” humanized artery clog. Hold on, because Paula’s Comeback Train is coming into the Fuckery Station at full speed:
“I feel like ‘embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out. He said, ‘I just want to be known as a football player. I don’t want to be known as a gay football player.’ I know exactly what he’s saying. I’m fighting to get my name back.”
The hell is Paula going on about? The Surgeon General needs to put a label on every box of butter warning people that mainlining that stuff will make you spit out nonsense like that. Yes, comparing her situation to that of a football player coming out and calling him “that black football player” is a really good idea when you’re trying to scrub your reputation. Well, at least she’s didn’t call him, “that queer negro football player,” so progress!
Paula went on to say that she empathizes with Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty:
“It’s amazing that some people are given passes and some people are crucified. I have new empathy for these situations, though. My dad always told me, ‘Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.’”
The drama. Paula still has ten mountains of money, her cruise sold out, she still has a legion of fans who worship at her buttery hooves and just the other day I was in KMart and some lady picked up a Paula Deen pot and said, “Poor Paula, she got it bad,” before putting that shit in her cart. And to answer the question in your head, yes, that lady in KMart was wearing burnt orange capris and rattan wedge flip-flops. Isn’t that where every Paula Deen fan wears?!
“Desperate dumb fuck!” said Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston in unison.
Superman’s former photo-op co-stroller Kaley Cuoco got engaged and married tennis player Ryan Sweeting within six months of meeting him face-to-face for the first time in both of their lives and she told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) last night that they both pressed the forward button on their relationship one second after their first date. Kaley Cuckoo claims that Ryan didn’t even know who she was and never saw the Big Bang Theory before they met on a blind date. Ryan flew into L.A. just for that blind date, so either she’s telling lies, he’s telling lies or he’s been hit in the head with a tennis ball one too many times, because everybody Googles a trick before a blind date, especially if they’re traveling for that shit.
Kaley told Letterman that she and Ryan instantly knew they were meant to be together forever and she took him home that night and he never left:
“We actually met on a blind date. I had never met him, and he had really never met me. He still tells me he had never seen the show, he didn’t know who I was.
He came to L.A. for a blind date — and he never left. We had been texting, we texted a little bit. Dinner was great, and then he moved in the next day. I know, it sounds so slutty, but it wasn’t! It all did move quite fast on paper, but we really did know…And I know you’re all thinking, ‘She’s nuts!’ I swear I’m not nuts. We just fell in love.”
Slutty? All of us slutty sluts should be highly offended! Moving a ho in the day after your first blind date is the complete opposite of slutty. Call it “beyond desperate,” “Hewitt-ey,” “stupid,” “crazy,” and “afraid of being FOREVER ALONE,” but I wouldn’t call it slutty. Every word that comes out of her mouth is like a hot pin stabbing into the rawest part of my nerves.
Everybody jokes about how lesbian and New Yorkers move in together fast (New Yorkers do it, because the rent is TOO DAMN HIGH), but they at least wait a couple of dates. But then again, if the dick is good (or my date’s name is Anderson Cooper), I’d move him in, give him my ATM passcode (joke’s on him when he tries to take out $200 and gets a slip with a laughing emoji on it) , let him eat from my stash of bacon jerky (not a euphemism) and I wouldn’t scream at him if he changed the channel from HGTV.
Here’s Kaley Cuckoo and her future ex-husband at LAX yesterday.
As empty cans of Fix-A-Flat laid on the floor next to Kim Kartrashian, she got North West to transcribe a rant on Twitter (because we know that bitch can’t read or write) directed at all the tabloids who say she injects her fat ass with something other than man chowder and is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery. The tabloids did get the second part right. She doesn’t spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery. That bitch spends MILLION of dollars on rotating, stretching and filling her body with man-made materials. The fame whore who spends a mountain of money on “conforming” to society’s beauty standards and, as Joel McHale always put it, is only famous for having a sex tape and a fat ass shat out this shitty rant. Kanye, the bitch ain’t.
I’m seeing all these nonsense tabloids claiming I have butt implants-injections. Get a life! Using pics of me 15lbs skinnier (before I had my baby) comparing to me now! I still have weight to lose. Anyone who has had a baby knows how hard it is to lose weight(especially the last bit of weight) & your body totally changes! Making fun of me pregnant & making fun of me trying to lose weight now shame on you. I’m not perfect but I will never conform to your skinny standards sorry! Not me. And BTW I’ve lost a lot so far & I’m proud of that! Don’t give young girls a complex!
All that coming from a dumb ho who poses in staged and Photoshopped bikini photo-ops for the tabloids and runs her own stupid Instagram pictures through the Photoshop machine… Yeah okay, bitch. Lying bitch cares about the body image of young girls as much as Kanye cares about other people who aren’t named Kanye. The chemically-enhanced farts that come out of Kim’s chemically-enhanced ass fuel the Kardashian whore train and this bitch knows it. She’s just crying to get more attention, but she loves it all. Every week when the tabloids come out, she buys several copies of the ones she’s on the cover of and gets her assistants to run them through the shredder and boil them until they turn to paste. Then she injects that tabloid paste into her ass. That’s how much she loves the attention.
Miley Cyrus, Like, Hates Kids, Is Like Really Punk Rock And Like, Thinks The Haters Are, Like, Jealous Of Her
Seen above on the cover of W Magazine looking like a shaved albino pug in drag as Madge circa 1990, Miley Cyrus talked to Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra’s spawn Ronan Farrow about deep stuff like haters, kids, the importance of water, weed, aliens, being punk rock and Instagram. I’ve never huffed paint out of a paper bag while banging my head against a hard surface, but if I did, the inside of my head would probably melt the same way it did while I read Miley’s interview. My one barely working brain cell tried to hold on, but it eventually gave in and died with the rest of them. If Ronan interviewed the dirty water in Miley’s bong, he would’ve gotten better answers than this:
On how she doesn’t like kids because she always around kids when she was a kid: “I don’t love kids. I don’t love them because, I mean, I think I was around too many kids at one point—because I was around a lot of kids.”
On how Instagram has turned every ho into a pap: “I think with, like, Instagram, Twitter, whatever, everyone is a paparazzi now. How scary is that? Like, you’re never safe.”
On how growing up on a farm in Tennessee practically turned her into a nudist: “We never were inside, and we never wore shoes. I think it’s why I like wearing no clothes so much and I’m always naked.”
On how she’s really punk rock: “I just don’t get what half the girls are wearing. Everyone to me seems like Vanna White. I’m trying to tell girls, like, ‘Fuck that. You don’t have to wear makeup. You don’t have to have long blonde hair and big titties. That’s not what it’s about. It’s, like, personal style.’ I like that I’m associated with sexuality and the kind of punk-rock shit where we just don’t care. Like Madonna or Blondie or Joan Jett—Jett’s the one that I still get a little shaky around. She did what I did in such a crazier way. I mean, girls then weren’t supposed to wear leather pants and, like, fucking rock out. And she did.”
On how people saying that she’s the pop queen of cultural appropriation are just jealous: “I don’t give a shit. I’m not Disney, where they have, like, an Asian girl, a black girl, and a white girl, to be politically correct, and, like, everyone has bright-colored T-shirts. You know, it’s like, I’m not making any kind of statement. Anyone that hates on you is always below you, because they’re just jealous of what you have.”
On guys: “Guys watch too much porn.”
On Kenya: “Kenya’s my dream. Kenya is my total dream. I wish I wasn’t going to be in Minneapolis next week, I wish I could be in Kenya.”
On how she thinks she’s Blanche from A Streetcar Named Desire: “I’m Blanche to a T, complete psycho. Every time I watched her. I was always like, ‘That’s me!’ ”
On the good shit: “I love weed. I just love getting stoned. I just want it to be back to where it’s, like, organic, good weed.”
On aliens: “Well, my older brother is obsessed with all those documentaries that have been banned. My brother’s convinced it’s the government not wanting us to know about aliens because the world would just, like, freak out—”
On water: “I think water’s, like, a really important thing”
When I was in the 7th grade, I hated school and wanted to stay out of class as much as possible, so I became a peer counselor. If a student had a problem and didn’t want to talk to an adult about it, they’d go see a peer counselor. I mostly just used my position as a peer counselor to pull my friends out of class so we could talk about nothing while giving each other Sharpie tattoos. But one time I got a student who had an actual problem. She told me she was misunderstood and felt like she never fit in, because she cared about world issues and was more intelligent than all of her stupid friends. She gave me an example and her example was (I’m not making this up): “Like, California is always having droughts and stuff and we’re going to run out of water. I tell my friends to stop drinking water and drink Snapple instead and they laugh at me.” So now I know that student grew up to be Miley’s former homeschool teacher or her weed dealer or both.
Well, the time has come for my ass to admit that I need to start watching Couples Therapy, because witnessing Backdoor Farrah’s empty head slowly explode as she trips on the lies that fall out of her mouth is my new favorite sport. Backdoor Farrah was supposed to go on Couples Therapy with a dude that producers were going to pay (they deny it) to play her boyfriend, but I guess dignity got the best of his ass, because he dropped out at the last minute. So Backdoor Farrah’s on there with her true soulmate Delusion and last night she hilariously got caught in a lie about the butt porn she’s still trying to pass off as a leaked sex tape.
When James Deen put his hand in Backdoor Farrah’s bottomless puss of mystery, one of the things he pulled out was the story about how they were dating, shot a sex tape at home and he leaked it. James, a dude who gets paid to bone chicks on camera, pretty much admitted that he got paid to bone Backdoor Farrah on camera. But Backdoor Farrah lives alone in a shit bubble of fantasy where she’s the only dumb fuck who believes that everyone believes that her sex tape wasn’t a staged porn. On Couples Therapy last night, Farrah’s shit bubble was popped with the sharp end of truth. Rich at Gawker posted a clip of Farrah pissing at the mouth about how she was scarred by her sex tape becoming public. When Sada Bettencourt from The Real L Word asked Backdoor Farrah why she hired a camera crew to film her “private” sex tape, Farrah exposed herself:
Sada: I am not judging about the sex tape at all. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the adult industry and I know you said that you don’t work in the industry. But when we were talking about it, you had said to me that it was filmed with one of your boyfriends and I’m just curious what boyfriend that was.
Farrah: Yeah, he does porn for a living. That is his job. That is what he actually, like that’s his career.
Sada: I’m just curious as to how that was a sex tape filmed at home when there’s actually a camera crew filming-
Farrah: No, there was not. There was only me and a camera person. So where are you seeing a camera crew?
Sada: Different angles. So there’s a camera person?
Farrah: No. I can straight up honestly say there was never any other person ever around us while we were having sex.
Sada: You just said “camera person.” It was just you and a camera person. Okay, I’m just asking that’s all.
Farrah: I don’t know if I ever said “camera person.” There was never a camera person.
Whitney: You did just literally say the words “camera person.”
One time, a hating whore emailed me and said that I’ve probably been butt fucked so many times that the shit in my bowels got shoved up into my head and that’s why I’m so dumb. That was the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten in my life and it turned me on a little. I don’t know if the same can be said for Backdoor Farrah or if she’s a genius who has turned stupidity into an art form. Hahaha, no, she’s just dumb as all fuck.
And when the malnourished llama named Taylor Armstrong, who exploited her estranged husband’s suicide, throws a side-eye and a face of judgement at you…..
I’m inquiring on behalf of humanity.
Apologies to those of you who thought you’d be able to put all this Fast and the Fuwious: Big Wheels Drift business behind you and end your week with an uplifting story like Kim Kardashian falling on her ass or something, because I have bad news. Justin Bieber’s Terrible Toddler Tour is still chugging full steam ahead on the shitbag express, and he’s making stops at every town to leave a bunch of nasty diapers filled with greasy Goldfish cracker poo.
After being removed from his playpen in a Miami jail, Bieber’s first order of business was to channel his inner Michael Jackson and get on top of his SUV to wave at a crowd of his fans (or maybe it was just a massive group of people checking-in to jail. It is Florida, after all). Then, in case we didn’t get it the first time, he Instagrammed a picture of himself beside MJ with the caption:
“What more can they say” (emoji crown)
For. Fucks. Sakes.
Of course he’s dumb enough to compare himself to Michael Jackson. I guess all that sizzurp made him forget that Michael was an extremely talented entertainer who was arrested for some very bad no-no shit that went down at the Neverland Ranch, and Justin is entitled spoiled baby who was arrested for driving like a dumb shithead despite being almost sober (to his credit, he blew a .014, but that’s like a .45 in toddler sizes). The only thing that makes sense about putting these two pictures side-by-side is that it looks like Michael is trying to get Justin’s attention so he can hand him a VIP invitation to the Neverland Ranch. “Hey Justin! Tell your mom you want to celebrate your 9th birthday with me!”
And I hope this is the last of the Bieber news for a while, because I’d like to sum everything up with the wise words of Seth Rogen:
MARRY ME. MARRY ALL OF US.
(Pic via Instagram)
If I was 19 again and got arrested for drunken drag racing (and not the RuPaul kind) through the streets of anywhere, my abuelita would pick me up from jail and the only alcohol she’d let me be around would be the kind of alcohol the ER nurse would use to treat the cuts I got from getting slapped with a chancleta. But since Justin Bieber’s got a cool dad, he went straight from the jailhouse to the booze house!
CBS Miami’s helicopter circled over South Beach until they spotted a cloud of weed smoke, douche fumes and dumbassery wafting out of a backyard or garden. They followed it and caught the Biebs and his cool dad around bottles. It kind of looks like the Biebs is sitting on his daddy’s lap, and I’m sure at one point he did so his daddy could bottle feed him Ciroc while telling him that he’s still the best little boy in the world.
So, Justin obviously learned a lot from that arrest and his dad is obviously going to let a thug be a thug, because he knows that if he says anything his allowance will be cut off and he’d have to pay the mortgage on his condo by selling his bodily fluids to Beliebers who want anything with the Biebs’ DNA in it. If CBS Miami’s helicopter camera panned out, they’d probably catch White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan running toward the place where the Biebs is staying, because a fucked up child star and his enabling, life-sucking, delusion shitty father are their soulmates!
Okay, maybe one comment: The only thing I want to know is if Sarah Palin wore her exquisite patriotic stripper heels while telling Obama to slip the “race card” under his pile. That’s the only thing that matters.