Why? Why? Why did I have to find out on the Lord’s Day that when Gene Simmons frowns, his cheeks look like saggy grandma tits? I could’ve handled it if I found out on a Monday. And now I’m depressed.
Back in July, notorious butt dingle Gene Simmons told SongFacts.com that he really has no sympathy for depressed people and drug addicts. The interview went unnoticed when it first came out, but after Robin Williams’ suicide, it made its way around the Internet. Gene was asked if he gets along with the original members of Kiss and he said that he doesn’t, because he doesn’t get along with drug addicts and anyone who “has a dark cloud over their head and sees themselves as a victim.”
Gene said that if you want to know real pain and suffering, talk to his mother, because she was in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. So unless the Nazis are beating you while holding you against your will in a concentration camp, you have no right to see the world as a shitty place. Oh Gene, the world was a shitty place then, it can be a shitty place now and it’s an even shittier place when you open up your crusty diarrhea slit of a mouth and speak words.
Christian author, reality trash, porn trick, yogurt maker, mother of every year and rubber asshole mogul Farrah Abraham is now shaking her concrete ball tits for dollars at the Palazio Gentlemen’s Club in Austin, TX. E! News says that Backdoor Farrah started out as a cocktail waitress, but that lasted for about six seconds when she realized she could make more money stripping. If Farrah dances like she screws, then she probably moves like a sloth on Ambien, and since men would definitely throw money at a sloth on Ambien if it showed them its tits, she’s making a lot of money. But Backdoor Farrah wouldn’t be Backdoor Farrah if she didn’t reach into a bull’s dirty ass and pull out a bullshit excuse for why she’s stripping. Surprisingly, Backdoor Farrah didn’t say that she lives at the Palazio and she can’t believe that a bunch of strange men are violating her by throwing money at her while she dances naked in the privacy of her own home. Instead, Farrah said that she’s doing research just like Jennifer Aniston. That’s your cue to go to your refrigerator, get out a giant plastic tub of whipped Bitch, Please, scoop a spoonful out and prepare to fling it at this mess with butt plug dust for brains.
“I’m doing research. A friend of mine works there and I’m researching. I’ve been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman’s club, including cocktailing and dancing. There’s management and there’s cooking too. It’s job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that’s what I’m doing. It’s how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I’m not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I’m interested in hearing all the women’s stories. And while I’m doing it, I’m getting paid. I’m getting paid to play a role and get informed.”
That’s a good line actually. The next time you get caught by the police sucking dick under the bridge (which I know happens to you all the time), just tell them, “Officer, I’m doing research for a book I’m writing about sucking dick under bridges.” The next time my mom throws me a cold judgmental side-eye for smelling like weed, I’ll tell her that I’m just doing research for the role of a nonsensical stoned blogger that I “play” 24 hours a day.
But really, Farrah’s daughter is probably wondering when she’s going to do research for her book about how to be a good mom by actually being a good mom. No! Farrah’s daughter doesn’t care. She’s busy doing her own thing.
I haven’t been to that many charity events in my life (Wait, does my 4th grade birthday party count? I mean, half of the kids there were only there for the cake and were forced to be there by their parents who felt sorry for my ass), but even I know that when you go t a charity event, you shouldn’t promote or do anything that goes against the cause. If you go to a D.A.R.E. event, you should probably wait until after that shit finishes to smoke heroin out of a pipe made of coke while butt snorting meth in the bathroom. If you go to an event for Human Rights Watch, you probably shouldn’t wear a Justin Bieber t-shirt since Justin Bieber is a walking human rights violation. So either model type Cara Delevingne was in the mood for trolling or the wolf brows on her face sucked out every piece of her brain for nourishment. Because that piece of trash wore a rabbit fur coat to a wildlife fundraiser in St. Tropez.
Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in pussy and Selena Gomez’s maybe-current partner in pussy showed up to the event for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation in a white tuxedo thing, but sometime during the event, she changed into what looked like a rabbit fur jacket and tiny, white, pussy-exposing track shorts that screamed “I am not on my period!” Page Six’s source said that during the event, everybody GASPED when Cara got on the stage with human ass scab Robin Thicke and was wearing a coat that was made of the mutilated bodies of Thumper’s relatives:
“She got up there with Robin Thicke in what looked like a white rabbit fur,” says a spy.
“It was like, wait, this is an event for wildlife!”
Why isn’t there video of this? Specifically, why isn’t there video of Leonard DiCaprio when this was happening, because I really want to see his face go from “Wait, have I fucked her yet?” to “OH GOD SHE’S WEARING PETER COTTONTAIL!” before using his hot karate moves to kung-fu kick her off the stage. This could’ve been a Chelsea Clinton situation and Cara’s jacket could’ve been fake, but probably not.
Bitch probably didn’t even know what the event was for. She was just there for the free press, free booze and free coke. In this dumb twat’s defense, she goes to so many “charity events” for the free press and freeze booze that she forgets what charity the event is for and what the dress code is. At one charity event, she has to wear a red ribbon. At another charity event, she has to wear pink. And at a different charity event, she can’t wear dead animals. How can one bitch remember all that shit?! She was probably booked for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation event and the The Kendall Jones Foundation event in the same week and got the days confused. That’s all.
One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent
“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”
Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.
And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.
And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.”
Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.
Kendra Wilkinson Flushed Her Wedding Ring Down The Toilet After Finding Out That Hank Baskett Cheated On Her
Today, White Oprah is scuba diving in the sewers of Calabasas, because her back alley pharmacists are riding her charbroiled asshole for being past due on several invoices and she’s got a diamond wedding ring to find and pawn off.
Hank Baskett hasn’t burped up one denial about the rumor that he cheated on Hugh Hefner’s former diaper changer/fuck piece Kendra Wilkinson with transsexual YouTube model, (The answer is “YES” if you’re asking yourself, “Is ‘transsexual YouTube model’ the best job title of all-time?”) Ava Sabrina London, so she’s gotten suspicious and has done some digging of her own. UsWeekly says that Kendra found some shit that she believes confirms that Hank passed his peen to another while she was pregnant.
A source tells UsWeekly that Kendra didn’t think the rumor was true at first, but she squinted her eyes in suspicion when he didn’t publicly deny it and that led her to do some snooping. Apparently, Kendra found a suspect charge on Hank’s credit card bill and that charge may or may not have been from TranssexualYouTubeModelsSlashHookers.com. Kendra lost whatever is left of her mind and flushed her wedding ring down the toilet.
Once Wilkinson discovered an unexplained—and damning—charge on his credit card, she “flipped out,” the source says. In a rage, she punched walls in their Calabasas, Calif. home, threw their 2009 wedding photos into the pool, and even pulled off her wedding ring, flushing it down the toilet, the source says.
“She was extremely angry,” the source observes of Wilkinson, who also shares son Hank IV, with Baskett.
Kendra sucked moth balls out of Hef’s mummy dick, so nobody’s ever accused of her being the best at making good decisions. But throwing a ring that is worth money down the toilet and flushing it has to be the dumbest thing she’s ever done. Hank spent $500 on a handjob, so Kendra’s going to need that ring to pawn off for some quick cash when he takes a second mortgage on the house to get a little 69 action from Ava Sabrina London. But I’m surprised Kendra still had her ring. I’m shocked that Hank didn’t steal Kendra’s ring and give it to Ava Sabrina London so she’d stick the tip in real quick. I was going to say “stick the tip in and wiggle” but that’ll cost him TWO diamond wedding rings at least.
And any trick who gets $500 for a handjob that her hook-up can give to himself for free is my hero and she’s living the dream.
I know I know, technically that should say “Musty-mouthed syphilis-lipped ungly-ass gremlin baby”, but there wasn’t enough room. Part-time rapper and full-time messy disaster person Azealia Banks managed to pull herself away from her most recent Twitter fight for long enough to give an interview to Out Magazine and explain why it’s taking her as long to finish an album as Kendall Jenner trying to finish reading the first page of The Cat in the Hat.
2012′s most popular Azealia (not to be confused with the current title holder, Iggy Azalea) told Out that the reason it’s taking her forever to release something other than that Casiotone-sounding song from The Bling Ring trailer is because she hates her current label, Interscope, and she’s dragging her heels on purpose to spite them. Wow, difficult gremlin Azealia Banks is being a difficult gremlin on purpose? SHOCKING!
“I can’t talk about what I’ve been writing about because I’m just keeping stuff until I’m off this label. I can’t really risk them getting excited about me again. I kind of want them to think that I’m dead. I haven’t been leaking any songs that could potentially be hits. I haven’t been releasing anything that could potentially be phenomenal.”
Azealia doesn’t need to talk about what she’s been writing, because anyone with a wifi connection knows 99% of her writing is done on Twitter, 100% of which is the exact opposite of “phenomenal.” And the only potential hits Azealia has are the ones that come up after searching “Azealia Banks + hot mess” on Google.
And with a name like Banks, you’d think she knew a thing or two about how money works, but apparently not. How does she think she’s going to make any money if she’s holding all that bleep-bloop Nintendo music hostage from the people who keeps the lights on at her gremlin cave? Bitch needs a Suze Orman in her life.
The other day, Justin Bieber Instagrammed (and later deleted) this picture of him looking like he’s getting burped by Selena Gomez and those of you who cared, guessed they were back together again, because she missed all the attention she gets when she’s with his ass and he missed her giving him a raspberry after changing his diaper.
I guess those junior high school messes are really back together again, because TMZ posted a riveting, 20-second-long video of Selena and Justin partying together at Bootsy Bellows on Monday night after spending the day in Malibu together. Selena apparently never left his side.
This Kids Inc. version of RiRi and Chris Brown…..
If this was an episode of Kids Inc., Martika would take Selena out to the basketball court set, sit her down on a bench and say to her, “Selena, I know you think you’re madly in love. You probably don’t care that he’s a jerk and is out there doing bad things, because you don’t think you can do any better. But you’re young and I need to tell you that once you start passing your pussy to other dudes, you’ll realize that the dick you thought was good, the dick you were dickmatized over, was actually shit and there’s better dick out there. These are the best years of your pussy’s life and don’t waste it on some chewed-off scab.” Then Fergie and that one whose name I always forget will come out and they’ll all sing a mash-up of He’s A Rebel/Not Tonight.
What I’m saying is that Selena really need a Martika in her life.
No, you’re not looking at an EXCLUSIVE teaser for Shrek 5: Natural Born Ogres. It’s Pimp Mama Kris’s finest ho from the OK Face-division of Kris’s DisKreet Kall Girls, Khloe Kardashian, and Shrek’s asshole brother from another ogre mother French Montana. You know how I know this picture isn’t a promo for Shrek 5? It’s missing an annoying ass (no, not Kim; I was referring to Donkey).
Ever since shooting wrapped on the star-studded pre-divorce episode of KUWTK, the Kardashain family of ghouls have been starved for attention, so Pimp Mama Kris got to work finding ways to keep her rotten krotch droppings in the news. Unfortunately no one cared about the illiterate model one’s Vogue shoot, or Marla Hooch’s Instagram bikini shot (“Damn it Satan, I specifically said LESS face!”).
So PMK called up her backup kash kow Khloe and told her cancel Shrek Montana’s 3pm mouth breathing so they could get together and take a truly stupid picture. And so, Slow-e Kardashian posted this ~artsy~ picture of her chugging champagne and Swaggy Shrek cradling a machine gun on the set of his music video for “They Don’t Love You No More” to Instagram, and I would love to hear the conversation between Pimp Mama Kris and Satan over this one.
Satan: I don’t know…it doesn’t feel right.
PMK: Why? What’s wrong? My hooker looks beautiful! Post it!
Satan: Don’t you think that it’s an inappropriate message? Especially after that horrific shooting spree two weeks ago?
PMK: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was too busy selling off my finest rubber-faced whore to a wealthy rapper. Now post that picture, or I’ll see to it that The Sock One applies for your summer internship down here.
And in case you’ve forgotten what Khloe looks like without a gun pointed at her, here she is sashaying her Khloemeltoe through the airport on Saturday. My say something nice: it’s nice of Khloe to give her waist some time off.
In “The Opposite Of Shocking” News, Justin Bieber Caught Mouth Farting Out A Racist Joke When He Was 15
Last night, The Sun posted of video for their paying customers of the corroded dingle clinging to Canada’s longest ass hair spewing out a dumb racist joke in front of a camera. This morning, TMZ also threw up the video and bragged that they’ve been sitting on it for 4 years, but since they’re the sheer definition of restraint, they didn’t post it, because that popped asshole wart was only 15 at the time and apparently told his friends he regretted telling that stupid ass joke. But thanks to The Sun, we can now watch the dried vomit nugget with a guinea pig combover dribble out a racial slur.
TMZ says that the clip below was shot when the Biebs was 15 during filming for his biopic documentary thing called Never Say Never (alternate title: So THIS Is What Happened To Rosemary’s Baby). Before the clip starts, the Biebs asks, “What’s the most confusing day for black people?” When the clips starts up, he says, “Father’s Day.” The Biebs mistakes the sound of crickets for the sound of non-stop laughter, so he decides to keep the laughs coming and tells another joke while a girl sitting next to him texts the words, “PLEASE KILL ME NOW,‘ to anybody who will listen. The Biebs asks, “Why are black people afraid of chainsaws?” and even though somebody in the room says, “Don’t say it,” he says, “Run-nigger-nigger-run...” A lady, who some say is his mom, pipes in after the punchline with, “You can say ‘motorcycle’ too.” So I guess Jesus hates abortions, but loves those racist jokes.
The Biebs hasn’t said shit about this yet, but it’s Sunday, so I’m sure he’s still sleeping off his sizzurp hangover while sucking on a pacifier in his crib. But Justin Bieber’s ex-bodyguard Kenny Hamilton, who’s black, said on Twitter that he is not a racist. The Beibs’ PR team shouldn’t even bother with a statement, because we all know it’s going to look something like this:
“I apologize to anyone who was offended by the video of me telling a distasteful joke when I was 15 years old. I was younger then, didn’t know any better and didn’t have a PR team to tell me not to say any racist jokes in front of a camera that’s recording. It was not my intention to hurt anyone. Some of my best friends are black. I am grown now and know not to say that word in front of a camera that’s recording. Besides, if I did say that word now, it’s okay, because I’ve been given a pass by the black community.”
And then that grown adult, will guzzle down the rest of the purple drank in his sippy cup, pull down his sagging leather culottes, take a dump in a barback’s bin, pull up his sagging leather culottes and jump on his Big Wheels to find a wall to graffiti on.
Charlie Sheen, society’s insane meth-smoking human bedbug, decided to celebrate going a week without chugging from the old bottle of Mr. Bubble under the sink by taking his porn star fiancé Brett Rossi out for a nice dinner at Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica Wednesday night. While there, Charlie and Brett noticed that Rihanna was also having dinner at Giorgio Baldi. According to Charlie (so take this with both a grain of salt and a shot of penicillin) he sent a request over to RiRi asking if he could introduce his fiancé, who happens to be a huge fan. RiRi replies by politely declining, saying there were too many paps and it wasn’t possible at that time.
This is fine by Charlie, since he claims that meeting RiRi “would have been 84 interminable seconds of chugging Draino and ”please kill me now” that I’d never get back” (whatever the hell that means) but not meeting RiRi made Brett Rossi a sad porno panda, so the second they got home he took to Twitter with a delicious bottle of Drano and gave RiRi a piece of his mind. Unless you have an hour to kill and a copy of Rosetta Stone Crackhead, don’t bother attempting to read Charlie’s next-level bonkers Twitter rant. Here are the highlights:
“Sorry we’re not KOOL enough to warrant a blessing from the Princess (or in this case the Village idiot)”
“See ya on the way down (we always do) and actually, it was a pleasure NOT meeting you”
“I’m guessing you needed those precious 84 seconds to situate that bad wig before you left the restaurant”
He also pulled out that classic joke about Halloween not being for another couple of months (good one, Dad) and reminded her that the reason he’s been around for 31 years is because he always makes time to meet with people. Really? It’s not because cockroaches are notoriously difficult to get rid of?
But because RiRi’s brain was replaced with a half-smoked joint floating in a puddle of stripper booty sweat a long time ago, she decided to fan the crackpipe fires by Photoshopping a pic of her signing an autograph for Charlie Sheen and using it as the background image for her Twitter account (#girlyouneedtogetalife) and tweeting the following:
If that old queen don't get ha diapers out of a bunch…
— Rihanna (@rihanna) May 22, 2014
“That old queen?” Sounds like someone follows Alec Baldwin on Twitter. I’m surprised she didn’t follow that up with a tweet calling him a rude thoughtless little pig (it’s not too late RiRi!)