And I’m sure if you were to ask her how many days 15 is, she’d throw up the same number of fingers as above and go “I dunno, this many? Who cares. What is this, the SATs? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Dina this many boxes of wine so she can take this many naps.”
So, tomorrow is January 28th. For most of us, January 28th is just a regular Wednesday. But for Lindsay Lohan, January 28th is the day she’s supposed to have all her delinquent community service hours completed. And surprise sur-fucking-prise, she’s been too busy partying and poorly Photoshopping half-naked selfies to get them done. However, that won’t stop her from trying! According to TMZ, Lindsay went to the Community Service Volunteers in London on Friday and Saturday to finish the 15 days worth of community service hours she couldn’t complete over the holidays because she was “sick” with that Chikungunya virus. They say her plan was to go again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but in classic LiLo fashion, LiLo said fuck it, and went to couture week in Paris instead.
According to Page Six, Lindsay spend Saturday night at a club called Le Titty Twister and didn’t leave till 5am. Then she spent Sunday at a Saint Laurent fashion show. No word on what she did yesterday and today, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess “not community service”. But don’t count the Apricot Ashtray out yet! TMZ says Lindsay is confident she can get all her community service done by tomorrow. Tomorrow. She thinks she can get it all done by tomorrow. Oh my god, drugs and booze have melted her brain worse than we thought.
Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I feel like she should be honest when she strolls into court tomorrow and tell the judge she was at a club in Paris. Technically, she was performing a type of community service; I can’t think of a better way to discourage excessive partying than being approached at a club at 5am by 28-year-old woman who looks like a 48-year-old mop asking to bum a couple smokes in exchange for a Teen Choice Award.
Kim Kartrashian klone Naya Rivera filled in for Whoopi Goldberg on The View today, and I guess she figured that since Whoopi wasn’t there someone had to dribble out a stream of nonsense.
The pecking hens on The View covered Buzzfeed’s piece about how us Americans bathe our asses too much and showering in hot water daily can dry out your skin and wash away good bacteria. Two dermatologists said that depending on weather and what you do with your body all day, you really just need to shower every two or three days. The dermatologists also said that if some of your parts get moist, juicy and stank, you can wipe them down with a wet towel. Nicolle Wallace said that she takes a shower three times a day. To which Naya Rivera said that she showers three times a week and then she shat up a theory about showering. When Naya Rivera says she has a theory, that’s your eye rolling muscle’s cue to stretch and get ready to roll.
فضيحة ALERT! (Note: Google Translate says that “فضيحة” is Arabic for “ESCANDALO,” so if you’re fluent in Arabic and that’s just a bunch of nonsensical gibberish, blame that permanently drunk bitch Google Translate.)
A bunch of young American attention whore messes including Selena Gomez, Kendull Jenner, Gigi Hadid, her twink boyfriend Cody Simpson and Shay Mitchell spent the New Year’s holiday in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, because Pimp Mama Kris probably leased their asses out to some billionaire sheiks. Selena, Kendull and Gigi have been splattering pictures of their vacation on Instagram and two of those pictures caused a little scandal. When those messes visited the Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi earlier this week, they broke the rules of the house by acting the fool, and Selena really rebelled out by flashing her ankle while posing with her friend Eli Mizrahi. The picture was later deleted, but nothing truly dies on the Internet. Selena got a lot of hate for her stupid ass stunt and TMZ says officials from the mosque are upset, because Selena disrespected their place of worship and broke the rules by posing sexy and showing her lady ankle. The others also showed disrespect by laughing and smiling when mosque rules state that you can’t laugh or smile.
They must be punished. JAIL THEM FOREVER!
Selena hasn’t said anything about this, but I doubt she’s going to. She knew what she was doing. She learned from RiRi. She knew that if she flashed her skin in a mosque and posted that picture on Instagram, a million blogs would write about it and she’d get all the attention. I fell for her trap! But really, if you’re not into following the rules of a mosque, just stay your ass outside. That’s why I haven’t been to a church mass in centuries. I have a feeling they’d frown upon me browsing the “amateur gay facial” tag on Pornhub on my iPhone during the Liturgy of the Eucharist. I know, they’re so weird.
Nobody should be surprised about this, though. Selena Gomez repeatedly fucked Justin Bieber, so she pretty much has her masters and PhD in bad decision-making.
Speaking of Usher’s dick…
On Christmas morning, Justin Bieber, who is looking more and more like a meth pimple on Aaron Carter’s cheek, ran into his bodyguard’s bedroom, jumped on the bed and shrieked about how Santa came. Like all of the adults in the Biebs’ life, his bodyguard is contractually obligated to not tell him the truth about Santey Claus, because that would hurt that little shit head’s heart. Once he finished opening up all the presents his people bought with his money, he opened up a very special present: a key to his own private jet! That is so much better than the Disney Dusty Plane rider he got last year for Christmas.
Today, the oozing herp sore on humanity’s asshole farted up two pictures on Instagram of a private jet. Justin Bieber claims he bought that shit for Christmas:
“New jet for Christmas. And she’s beautiful.”
TMZ thinks that the Biebs’ new toy is a G6, which costs around $60 million. The Biebs’ net worth is supposedly $200 million. TMZ also thinks that he could’ve gone in on a part-ownership kind of deal and is sharing it with other rich hos.
Here’s another shot of the inside of Douche Air:
Anybody who watched the television masterpiece that was Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story knows how this story will probably end. We’ll see the picture of his opulent private jet again in ten years on an episode of Oprah’s Where Are They Now? when he points to it while talking about the glory days as he gives a tour of the Florida motel room he moved into after he wasted all his money away.
Meanwhile, at the PIMP Kompound (it’s where Kim Kardashian likes to store her in between Pretty Mommy photo ops) North West is interrogating 2 of her 10 nannies as to who is this strange man named Kanye West who would spend $74,000 on her. “He’s who? My dad? Get out! Really? I have a mom AND a dad? I wonder when I’ll get to see them?”
According to Heat magazine (via Radar), Kim’s current husband Kanye Kardashian has spend $74,000 on Christmas gifts for their 18-month-old daughter North. Yes, seventy-four thousands of dollars. For a baby. Just one more reminder that we live on a garbage planet filled with garbage people. Kanye reportedly bought her a $62,000 diamond tiara and a $12,000 baby-sized car, both very practical gifts for a child who no doubt spends her days mashing soggy Goldfish crackers into the rug and trying to figure out what sound the cow makes. Apparently, Kanye got North an expensive-ass diamond tiara so that when she played dress-up, she could be a real princess, and he got her the car because it’s an exact replica of his. As if she would even know – the only car North has been in is the one she rides in every two weeks that takes her to and from pap appointments with her mom.
Obviously letting a baby play with $62,000 worth of diamonds is a next-level dumb idea, but I can’t throw any side-eye to that $12,000 baby-sized car. When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than a red Power Wheels Jeep, and I would have sold my entire collection of footless Barbies to get one (I chewed all the feet off my Barbies, which probably says a lot about me than I care to know). So yeah, am I jealous that North West got a baby car that’s more expensive than my adult car? Absolutely. The only thing better than a grown-up car is a battery-powered car you can ride through the house.
Just like many women do, botox-brained certified moron Kim Kartrashian gained some chunk while knocked up with her latest fashion accessory. But unlike most women, Kummy Kakes thinks that Godl tested her by drowning her hotness in fat. In Elle UK’s annual
Adobe Appreciation Issue Confidence Issue, Kim injected a whole lot of confidence into every pregnant woman by saying that the weight she gained wasn’t a natural biological reaction to being fetus’d up. It was the lord above teaching her a lesson. Kim dribbled this out:
“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body. I’d be sitting there, nearly 200lbs, crying and swearing this will never happen again, and sometimes I’d actually be laughing about it.”
Kim went on to say that while God might hate her, God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna and the other deities must really, really hate Rob, because have you seen him?
If Kim had a sense of humor, the fillers she injects into her face ate it a long time ago, so I don’t think she’s joking. This is what happens when you have Kanye in your ear.
If there is a God and they care about Kim for some reason, they wouldn’t punish her by putting pregnancy weight on her body. They’d punish her by making her Google loon balloon ass smaller, because then what would she oil up and stick out on the cover of Paper? If anything Kim and her family of soul suckers are God’s punishment against humanity for making fame whores more famous. And here I am kontributing to it. I will try to make it up to the gods above by reciting the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song 100 times. (The GG theme song is my answer to Hail Mary.)
Here’s some pictures of Kim taking her rubber spatula face for a walk in NYC.
Sometimes I’m grateful that I have the memory of a taxidermy goldfish. Case in point: I totally forgot to DVR that Eaten Alive mess on Discovery and I totally forgot to watch it last night. I dodged a bullet of boredom and it sounds like Eaten Alive was about as riveting as my chihuahua chewing on the carrot nose of his snowman plush toy for 10 minutes.
For weeks, Discovery has been whoring the shit out of a 2-hour special that was supposed to show naturist Paul Rosolie and his black magic twisty worm brows get swallowed whole by an anaconda in the Amazon. Paul had a special suit made and the plan was for him to get sucked up into the anaconda’s body before being pulled to safety by his team. Deadline says that the special was a flop from the beginning. Paul and his team spent 75% of the special trying to catch a gigantic 25-foot anaconda he once came cross (Side note: If you’ve got a gutter brain like me, then those words made you picture Paul fapping on the Hammaconda) during an expedition in the Amazon. That anaconda wanted nothing to do with Paul’s STUNT QUEEN stunt and after they failed to capture it, they decided to use some smaller understudy anaconda they had on standby.
If you hated yourself enough to watch NBC’s Christmas in Rockefeller last night, you probably wondered if it was the sweet nectar talking or did that gold Prometheus statue really roll his eyes during LeAnn Rimes’ performance. He did. Even he couldn’t take LeAnn Rimes trying to bring some “sexed up cabaret singer at a country club lounge” glamour during her performance.
The Squinting Chanteuse yodeled out the children’s Christmas song “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” (Side note: When LeAnn sings that song, “hippopotamus” is definitely a euphemism for something else) during the show and about 110 seconds into it, she opened up her coat and revealed her bootleg Madonna circa 1990 outfit. The pin-up Grinch went on to holler out more musical notes as she flashed her thigh highs and jiggled those chichis for the children. Sarah Palin might want to move the battle lines to LeAnn’s house, because this is definitely a declaration of war on Christmas:
That performance was probably a joy for LeAnn and LeAnn alone, but her joy was short-lived.
Seen above looking like a cast member in the all-Muppets version of a Stepford Wives remake, Teresa Giudice of The Real Grifters of New Jersey is as broke as her forehead and owes a shit load in restitution and has to pay the $13 million she and her husband Juicy Joe swindled from creditors. Where oh where are they going to get that money from? Teresa can’t try to get a $14 million loan using fake W2s, because every bank has got their number now. A leaked sex tape is out of the question since bestiality porn is still illegal. But don’t worry, Teresa’s got a genius plan. She’s suing her lawyer!
On Watch What Happens Live last month, Teresa cried and whined about how her lawyers sucked and they’re the reason why she’s going to jail for 15 months in January. Yeah, the fact that Teresa and Juicy Joe committed fraud has nothing to do with why they’re both going to the clink. It’s the lawyer’s fault! Teresa is really taking this “blame the lawyers” thing all the way, because Page Six says that she has filed a $5 million malpractice lawsuit against her bankruptcy lawyer James Kridel.
Teresa and Juicy Joe filed for bankruptcy in 2009, claiming they were $11 million in debt. Teresa claims in her lawsuit against Kridel that he screwed up the bankruptcy paperwork by not including her income, business interest, rental income and certain bank accounts. Kridel’s supposed fuck-up led to the feds’ investigation, which led to her going to the clink. via Page Six
“Kridel failed to perform a reasonable investigation concerning the petition, schedules and statement of financial affairs,” the suit says.
The Madison Avenue lawyer’s “failure to exercise that degree of reasonable knowledge and skill that lawyers of ordinary ability and skill possess” caused her lost income, legal fees, botched business deals and public ridicule, the suit says.
That didn’t cause her public ridicule. Teresa being Teresa on reality TV caused her public ridicule.
Teresa is screaming malpractice and wants $5 million from Kridel.
Yes, everyone knows that Teresa is going to prison because of Teresa, but maybe she’s on to something. Suing her bankruptcy lawyer is a good start, but she really should go all out and blame everybody but herself. Teresa should sue the makers of the pen she used to sign those documents, because they obviously played a part in her downfall. She should also sue the makers of the paper those documents were printed on. She should sue the creator of currency and the founders of the banks she and Juicy Joe swindled, because she might not be going to jail if they didn’t exist. Finally, she should sue the government for making fraud illegal, because that law is just stupid.
Oh, and she might as well get a head start and sue the lawyer she’s using to sue her bankruptcy lawyer, because if the lawsuit gets thrown out it will be their fault. Sue them all, Tre!
Don’t worry, the dog is fine. Sure, he might suffer from chronic doggy lung damage after breathing in Justin Bieber’s douche fumes, but that has nothing to do with the two-storey fall off a balcony. But how did Justin Bieber’s dog end up being tossed over a balcony in the first place, you may be asking. According to TMZ, it all started a year ago when the human expired Go-Gurt tube and his father Jeremy adopted an American Bulldog puppy they named Karma. Yes, they gave their dog a stripper name. Would you expect anything less from these two dildos? Anyways, I guess Justin is still too little to take care of a puppy, so Karma went to live with Bieber Sr. in Canada. Because Justin is living proof that Jeremy is really good at raising things.
Once Karma moved up north, Jeremy hired a trainer to make sure the dog didn’t go all Cujo, but Karma was still a bit of a mess and he ended up biting one of Jeremy’s other kids, Jaxon. Karma’s trainer Trevor Dvernichuk says that’s when Jeremy allegedly grabbed Karma and threw him off a second storey balcony into a snowbank, hissing at Trevor to take the dog and not to bring him back till Karma is properly socialized.
The only problem (well, besides the fact that assholes are still allowed to own dogs) is that Trevor still has Karma and has been telling everyone that Justin and Jeremy pretty much abandoned his ass. However, Jeremy says Trevor stole Karma, and now he’s getting the police involved so he can get Karma back. Meanwhile in California, Karma’s other deadbeat daddy Justin Bieber is also dealing with the police, but it’s because somebody called the cops on him for being an obnoxious little shit on his skateboard.
Say it with me now: THIS FAMILY IS TRASH! Throwing a dog off a balcony? Hay-zoos, even Michael Vick is like “Errr…“. Although part of me thinks that Jeremy didn’t actually throw Karma off the balcony, but that Karma jumped to get away from those awful garbage people.
And I really hope that if Karma is returned to Jeremy, he lives up to his name and comes back to literally bite Jeremy in the ass.