“Actually, we don’t like to use the word ‘debt’; it’s too traumatic and sounds low-class. Instead, we use the term ‘financially overleveraged’, which means that technically the money we have is not currently present in a tangible sense, but that we know we have money and are extremely secure in a spiritual understanding of finance.” – Gwyneth Paltrow to her accountant.
If you happen to be browsing the office furniture section of Craigslist and see an ad for a bunch of imported cashmere desk chairs and a champaca oil-rubbed agarwood boardroom table, you’ll know why. According to corporate documents obtained by Radar, the world most pretentious website, Goop.com, is about two bounced cheques away from skipping town and living under the fictitious name Poop.biz. I don’t recommend you read the documents unless you get a boner for accounting and want to jerk it to pages and pages of numbers, so I’ll put on a shirt with a giant collar and sum it all up in the most Suze Orman way I can. Oh, by the way – all the numbers are in British pounds and not American dollars, because Goop has to be pretentious even when it’s talking about being a failing business:
1. Goop is the Lindsay Lohan of websites, spending way more than it actually makes. Like in 2012, when it spent £932,096, but only made £932,096. Or in 2011, when they only made £64,484 but spent £216,544. Shit, that’s a lot of organic cold-pressed kale juice.
2. Gwyneth and former CEO Sebastian Bishop gave themselves personal interest-free loans, to the tune of nearly £80,000. Sebastian has paid back about £13,000, and Gwyneth has paid back £0.
3. Despite losing more money than a toothy hooker at a blowjob convention, Gwyneth and Sebastian the Cash Crab gave themselves giant raises, going from £102,788 to £350,000. Congratulations on the raise, you two! You earned it! Writing the description for that $600 sleeveless vest must have taken HOURS.
So basically, what we have here is a classic case of writing a cheque that your ass can’t cash. Or several cheques. To yourself. Over and over again. And then wondering why the lights got shut off at Goop Inc. Then writing yourself another cheque.
And the most surprising thing from the Goop documents is that in 2012, £11,000 was spent on “recruitment”. Recruitment for what? Is Gwyneth starting her own insufferably pretentious army of WASPs? Lord help us.
Last month, FOX announced that they had rebooted Joe Millionaire, sort of, and replaced a neanderthal construction worker pretending to be a millionaire with a Prince Hot Ginge look-alike who looks more like a Flat Stanley look-alike. FOX found 12 not-knowing dumbasses and stuck them on a fancy estate in England to compete for a chance to marry into the British royal family. FOX probably broke the budget on this one, because it cost a lot of cash to hire bathroom lifeguards and paramedics to save these dumb fucks from almost drowning in the shower.
FOX released the first trailer for I Wanna Marry “Harry“ today and I figured that they’d show at least one trick who realized this was all a hoax and went with it, because she likes free drinks and camera time. Blame it on editing, but this trailer makes it look like they all believed they were there to win a chance to jump on PHG’s ginger scepter. I’m surprised that every other word out of these girls’ mouths isn’t “chickabee,” because if they can’t tell that’s a PHG look-alike, they obviously spent most of their lives eating wet leaves in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
I know piss-brained fame whores are everywhere (MTV wouldn’t exist today without them), but these have to be actresses and the joke has to be on us. But then again if you boozed me up and screamed, “There’s Prince Hot Ginge,” while pointing at a red fern in a terra cotta pot, that red fern in a terra cotta pot would magically disappear three seconds later. I’d never tell you where it went, but the sight of me with no pants on and the red fern leaves blowing out of my ass when I farted would give you a clue. Where the red fern blows.
via E! Online
Seen above beaming at the face while looking across the street and seeing a blinking OPEN sign on the bar that she’s going to have a celebratory “first DUI conviction” cocktail at, White Oprah was in court today to plead guilty to what her freckled human ATM has done a million times before: drive while the sweet nectar is flowing through her veins.
Last September, White Oprah finally contributed to her family’s DUI legacy by getting arrested for driving drunk and speeding on Long Island. White Oprah was in court today to answer to the charges and she shocked a nation when she didn’t take a cue from Lindsay Lohan by blaming it on the black kid and she didn’t say to the judge, “Listen, this is obviously just a big misunderstanding that I’m sure we can work out,” while making blow job motions. TMZ says that White Oprah pleaded guilty to DUI and speeding and since it was her inaugural DUI, the judge only gave her 100 hours of community service (“Uh, can this bitch’s community service be to leave our community and never come back?” – the community) and she’ll have to take a DUI class. Her license was revoked, that interlock shit will be put in her car and she’ll have to pay a bunch of fines, so say goodbye to one of your kidneys, little Cody Lohan, because mama’s going to need to sell it on the black market to pay the courts!
What’s really surprising is that the judge didn’t immediately dismiss the case, scream, “PLEASE DON’T HURT MY FAMILY,” and then scurry off to their chambers. Because when you stare into the beady, cloudy eyes of White Oprah’s evil gnome of a lawyer Mark Heller, you see the soul of a charbroiled leprechaun who will nibble on the tips of your fingers when you sleep and cackle outside of your window in the dead of night if you do him wrong. I guess the judge isn’t afraid of a shifty leprechaun gnome who spends his off-time in a toddler-sized tanning bed. Judges are so brave nowadays.
It’s been 11 years since Fox aired the trash extravaganza Joe Millionaire and I guess Fox felt like it was time to trick a whole new set of hos into thinking they’re on a dating show to compete to marry a rich hot piece. But this new show really separates the gold diggers from the gold digging dumb fucks, because instead of competing for the love of a poor dude pretending to be a millionaire, 12 American chicks will compete for the love of a dude they think is Prince Hot Ginge. Fox might as well title this mess: The Search For The Dumbest American.
Deadline says that the sneaky gnome of Hollywood, Ryan Seacrest, produced the reality show called “I Want To Marry ‘Harry’” and they shot it in secret last year in England. Twelve American women were moved into a big estate in Britain and tricked into thinking they were competing to be the next princess of England. But instead of going out on dates with the real Prince Hot Ginge, they went out with regular English dude Matthew Hicks who was given a PHG makeover. Below is the Dollar Tree PHG and a freckle on Rojo Caliente’s tit looks more like the real Prince Hot Ginge than this dude does. (Yes, I still would, but only if he’d take his PHG impersonation all the way by using vodka as lube.)
My friend’s sister-in-law makes $75/hour on the computer and she’d like the email addresses of all 12 of the gullible butt bubbles who believed that THE QUEEN would actually let Prince Hot Ginge star in a peasant reality show produced by a peasant producer for a peasant network in America. Either Fox found 12 humans who can function without a working brain (which is not that hard since E! and Bravo have found a few) or Fox found a bunch of fame whores who knew what’s up, but didn’t care as long as the cameras were on them. This mess of a show starts in May, it’s going to be a wreck and I can’t wait.
And I’m laughing at these dumbasses, but if a Nigerian prince e-mailed me from a random Hotmail address to tell me that he needs money to send me a bed sheet that Prince Hot Ginge slept on when he spent the night on the 13th floor of his palace in Nigeria, I’d ask that prince if he takes PayPal or does he want my checking account/routing number? I’d want to believe.
And now thanks to Nick Cannon’s dumb stunt, Fox News will present a 10-part series on REVERSE RACISM!!! Thanks, Nick Cannon.
Actor, comedian, singer (???), radio host, reality show ho and most importantly Mimi’s sugar cookie go-getter has an album coming out on April Fool’s Day called “White People Party Music” and to promote that mess he did himself up in whiteface. The tub of Land O’Lakes in Paula Deen’s head is melting right now and she’s so confused over a black man dressing in whiteface. She doesn’t know what to believe anymore and she’s going to try to rub the white makeup off of every white stranger she meets.
Nick also threw up these white people hash tags with that terrifying picture.
It’s official… I’m White!!! #WHITEPEOPLEPARTYMUSIC #Wppm in stores April 1st!!!!!!Dude Go Get It!!!Join The Party!!!! #GoodCredit #DogKissing #BeerPong #FarmersMarkets #FistPumping #CreamCheeseEating #RacialDraft “Bro I got drafted!!”
What I don’t understand is, Nick is married to creature who is made of 85% foundation, has a full-time ab sprayer and probably uses several artists from Industrial Light & Magic to get her ready every day, and that’s the best white dude drag he can do?! That make-up is a wreck. He looks like an Old Navy mannequin with jaundice. Bitch looks like he’s got the sicks. It’s as if Andy Samberg spent his entire night barfing and shitting and then had to get up early to play Macklemore in a skit.
And Nick also made videos as his white alter ego Connor Smallnut. You know, Smallnut, because white dudes have small balls, I guess. It’s obvious that Nick has never felt his throat close and been knocked out by (NSFL) Cisco Adler’s legendary “four baby gerbils hibernating in two tube socks” nuts.
And lastly, Nick Cannon also thinks he came up with whiteface:
Hold up… What the f#ck is “White Face”??? Did I just create a new term??? Nice!!! LOL
So, I guess Nick Cannon has never heard of Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle? That wouldn’t be surprising at all. Mimi needs to cut his allowance for this foolery.
The “Wisdom” Of Jenny McCarthy Is Spreading: Kristin Cavallari And Jay Cutler Won’t Vaccinate Their Kids
For those of you parents out there who haven’t made a decision on whether or not to vaccinate your kids, because you’ve been waiting to hear what that trick from The Hills whose last name sounds like an appetizer on the Red Lobster menu has to say about it, you don’t have to wait any longer. She’s finally spoken! Kristin Calamari was on Fox Business’ The Independents to pimp out her style show for E! and her shoe line for Chinese Laundry and the subject of vaccinations came up, because the subject of vaccinations always comes up when a trick is talking about her style show and shoe line. The host of The Independents, Kennedy (yes, that Kennedy), brought up vaccines and Kristin let it be known that the son she has now and the son she’s pregnant with will never be vaccinated. Kristin doesn’t want them to get autism and when Kennedy let her know that there’s no link between autism and vaccines, she said that she read a lot of books and saw it on Homeland or something. Basically, Kristin Cavallari knows stuff! I mean, who cares that polio and the measles are making a comeback?!
Kennedy: Are you opposed to vaccines?
Kristin: We don’t vaccinate.
Kennedy: Really? You’re one of those (Ed note: I’m not sure what the hell Kennedy says here, but I think she says “communists“)?
Kristin: I’ve read too many books about autism and the studies.
Kennedy: No, no, there’s no links. Read the links that say autism and vaccines have no-
Kristin: Well, there is a pediatric group called Homestead, Homestead or Homefirst, now I have pregnancy brain I got them confused—they’ve never vaccinated any of their children, and they haven’t had one case of autism. And now one in 88 boys is autistic, which is a really scary statistic.
Kennedy: Well, my mom vaccinated us and she doesn’t have any cases of autism either. Isn’t that weird?
Kristin: The vaccinations have changed over the years, there’s more mercury and other…
Kennedy didn’t ask what Jay Cutler’s thoughts on vaccines are, but I’m sure if you asked him, he’d stare at you blankly for a full 15 seconds and after a stream of drool dribbled out of the corner of his mouth, his brain would turn back on again and he’d ask you to pull his finger.
And yeah, by “read too many books,” Kristin means that she read one of Jenny McCarthy’s statuses on Facebook or some shit.
And a failed gold digger continues to fail at gold digging…
TMZ says that Porsha Williams, the fart-brained bobblehead doll from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, is following up her last failed gold digging mission with another gold digging mission that’s either going to end with the feds confiscating her Rolls Royce or with her disappearing after taking a private jet to Equatorial Guinea. Porsha broke up with her dinosaur-looking ass husband Kordell Stewart last year and she’s getting a whole lot of nothing in the divorce settlement. So she picked up her shovel and started digging for gold again. Porsha has hit gold, but this time the gold’s covered in blood.
Porsha is supposedly dating 42-year-old Teodoro Nguema Obiang Mangue, the son of African dictator Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo. So we don’t confuse our brains, let’s call the son “Teodoro” and the dad “Crazy Bitch.” Teodoro’s dad has been the President of Equatorial Guinea since 1979 and he refuses to get off of his throne. Wikipedia says that while most of the people of Equatorial Guinea don’t have access to clean drinking water, Crazy Bitch and his family are living the gold-plated high life. Forbes claims that Crazy Bitch has a net worth of $600 million and the US Department of Justice believes that he and his son got most of that money through corruption. In 2011 and 2012, the French and US government snatched away a ton of Crazy Bitch and his son’s assets including homes and cars.
Crazy Bitch is considered one of the most corrupt rulers in the world and his opponents have accused him of killing and eating parts of his enemies to gain power.
And Porsha Williams is dating his son. TMZ says that Teodoro, who lives in Malibu, and Porsha haven’t been dating long, but he’s already bought her a Rolls Royce, Louboutins and crap from Chanel. He’s planning to buy her a multi-million dollar mansion in Atlanta.
Pinto Williams needs to have a seat in the back row and stay there, because the gold digging game is not for her. Leave it to the adults, Porsha. Porsha got nothing from her divorce and now she’s dating the son of a crazy, ruthless dictator who is being investigated for embezzlement? Having no brains and no moral compass is no way to go through life.
Porsha knows as much about gold digging as she does about African-American history.
A&E really needs to bring back Intervention for just one very special episode, because my soul isn’t going to rest until I see Shaq break down into a waterfall of tears when his family, friends and Candy Finnigan try to pry his iPhone out of his hands so he can go to app rehab in Malibu.
If you had an extra $1,000 a week to spend on whatever you wanted and you spent it on hiring Aaron Carter to come to your house weekly and recite the beautiful, romantic words of raw poetry that he tweets about his stalking victim Hilary Duff (FYI: $35 for Aaron’s cab fare, $25 for Aaron’s appearance fee, $30 for the meth and $910 for the mountains of Kleenex you’ll need to wipe up the liquid emotions that will pour out of your eyes from listening to such beauty), you’d be wasting that money, but you’d still be using it on something more worthwhile than what Shaq uses $1,000 a week on. During an interview at a SXSW event, Shaq said that he can easily spend up to $52,000 a year on apps alone. To put things into perspective, $52,000 is more than the worldwide gross of Kazaam. Shaq said:
“Honestly, I probably spend $1,000 on apps a week. Real money. Last week, I bought like 20 deer-hunter games. When I’m not working, I spend all my money on apps.”
“Eh,” said your bandaged-up, broke down cousin while sitting in the cardboard and newspaper tent she lives in, because she sold her house, sold some of her internal organs, sold her car, sold her ass at a discount on Craigslist and cashed in her 401k to buy Candy Crush shit. The DEA really needs to put Candy Crush Life on their list of narcotics.
And I know I should clarify, because everything about ABC’s The Bachelor is the worst; except for Molly the dog, who should be given all the roses, Milk Bones, and the stuffed animal of her choice to hump on (she was the greatest thing to ever happen to this messy train wreck). But according to E! Online, Juan “Eees Okae” Pablo is the worst-worst. Wait a second…a guy who ditched his daughter to dry hump a dozen drunk randos in a hot tub turned out to be a jerk? You don’t say!
“Everyone on the show is just so over him and cannot wait for this season to be over,” a source connected with the dating competition series told us.
The insider added that producers and crew members have never been so ready for a season of the Bachelor to end. ”It has not been anyone’s favorite, that’s for sure.”
A second source dished to us that people working on the program have been saying that “he’s the worst bachelor ever.”
Well shucks, that seems awful mean. I wonder why people don’t like Juan Pablo? Let’s see…gay people probably don’t like him because he said they’re all a bunch of dick-hungry sluts. He pissed off a lot of people when he made an R-word joke and then refused to apologize for it. He says he’s a Venezuelan soccer star, but he hasn’t actually played professionally since 2008. He’s pretty much unemployed and still lives at home with his parents. Oh, and he slut shamed a chick he fucked in the ocean.
That’s all we’ve got for now, but it’s still early, so let’s cover all our bases and say he also parks in the handicap spots at the mall, cheats on his taxes, and only tips 6% at Olive Garden. HOW DARE YOU, JUAN PABLO! Those breadsticks deserve at least 15%!!
As expected, Juicy Joe (more like Extra Juicy Joe because he looks like he chewed a piece of Willy Wonka’s three-course meal gum for breakfast) and his gorilla grifting partner Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey did the walk of shamelessness into the Federal Courthouse in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to fraud as part of a plea deal. Juicy and Teresa actually had to repeat the word “guilty” a few times, because the judge had a hard time hearing them over the sound of Melissa Gorga loudly fapping and cackling at the same time in the back row of the court room.
NorthJersey.com says that Juicy Joe pled guilty to 5 counts of fraud and Teresa pled guilty to 4 counts. Last July, they were charged with 41 counts of fraud for faking pay stubs and W-2s to get $5 million in different types of loans. Juicy Joe was also charged with not filing taxes from 2004 through 2008 even though he made around $1 million. They were facing up to 50 years in the chokey, but under the plea deal, Juicy Joe could sit in prison for at least 3 years and Teresa could be making fake tanner out of roach shit and orange peels in prison for 21 to 27 months. In my earlier post about this messiness, I said that there was talk that Teresa could only get probation, but apparently she’s looking at spending time in prison, so she should start practicing stuffing her coochie with the contraband rhinestone and gold accessories she’ll need to properly accessorize her orange jumpsuit.
Sentencing isn’t until July 8th and the judge doesn’t have to stick with the perimeters of the plea deal.
If Juicy and Teresa didn’t take the plea deal, they would’ve gone to trial on April 14th. Since most humans hate these two dumb bitches and the feds had mountains of shit on them, they probably would’ve been found guilty of many of the charges and Bravo would’ve had to fast-track The Real Cellmates of The Edna Mahan Correctional Facility For Women. So these two brain-dead con chimps really had no other choice but to take the deal.
I wonder where Juicy and Teresa’s daughters will go since they are bitch fighting with most of their family members. You know, if Juicy and Teresa left their girls in their big ass mansion to fend for themselves and the power, gas and water was eventually shut off and all they had to eat were wet leaves and a bunch of mice took pity upon them and started to care for them, they’d probably be better off than being raised by these two fuck sores.
Here’s Extra Juicy Joe and Greta Gremlin walking into court today. In Teresa’s defense, she did show the court that she’s not overspending like normal by wearing a coat she made herself with Juicy Joe’s shaved-off butt hairs.