A day before his born day on December 4th, Jay-Z announced to the world that he and Beyonce are going completely vegan for 22 days, because they want to cleanse themselves spiritually and physically. Haha. No, they’re telling everyone they’re going vegan for 22 days, because it’s trendy and they’re craving their favorite protein of all: attention.
I guess Blue Ivy Carter’s creators aren’t totally hugging all of the vegan lifestyle, because Beyonce showed up to vegan restaurant Cafe Gratitude in L.A. in a pepperoni pizza ensemble. So some vegan’s sitting there eating his tempeh and wet leaves sandwich when Beyonce strolls in with cooked cow coins all over her body. She looked like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s Tumblr background. Okay, her outfit wasn’t that serious and I’m sure nobody was offended, because nobody was in the restaurant since Jay-Z’s bodyguards probably kicked all those grass eaters out of there!
So her pepperoni pizza ensemble wasn’t that bad, but what she wore to a vegan restaurant the next day definitely made everybody in there roll their eyes to the left… to the left (I hate myself for typing that too). Beyonce ate at Native Foods in Westwood while wearing a Christopher Kane wool-blend parka with a fox fur collar. The Daily Mail has pictures of that foolery. Wearing real fur to a vegan restaurant… That’s the corner where Dumb Fuck and Tacky Mess meet. But in Beyonce’s defense, I’m sure that dead animal on her shoulders ate a plant-based diet while it was alive.
I can’t wait to see what she’s going to wear to a vegan restaurant today. I’m going to go with a beef jerky bikini and a lion carcass cape. No, too much. Beyonce’s going to keep it demure by painting her naked body with pig’s blood. She’s going minimalist today!
If you’re wondering what Spencer Pratt has been up to lately (I’ll wait while you search high and low for that fuck your mom gave you for your birthday last year), the half of the collective asshole formerly known as Speidi made up of 99.99% less silicone and with a 47% more punchable face has been getting his learn on at USC.
“I’m done with classes,” he tells Us Weekly exclusively. “I still have one final, Spanish 3, but thankfully I have two weeks to study for it. My degree is going to be in political science.”
More like Poly Sigh since NOBODY asked. He also tweeted: “Today was my last day of College @USC! Best 10 years of my life! #Trojans”, breathing some life into the Clooney side of the “celebrities on Twitter are morons” debate. When asked by US Weekly why it took him so long to graduate, Spencer took a quick second to yank out his anal beads or Heidi Montag‘s old implants or whatever the hell he shoves up there to let his mouth do the talking once in a while and talked out of his ass, saying he was too busy “being famous” and he should “probably have a doctorate or two” by now.
Spencer should have used the last ten years of his life studying finance because InTouch says he and Heidi managed to blow through $10 million in four years. They spent $100,000/month maintaining Heidi’s Japanese hump doll look, $10,000/week at restaurants and $2.5 million on Heidi’s album that anybody with ears could have told them wouldn’t have gotten off the ground with pulleys, industrial hydraulics and a prayer. He also compared himself and Heidi to Jay-Z and Beyoncé and I think we can just let Bey take this one.
Three years ago, my 90s self did the slow wall slide of NOOOOO when the “hot one” from 90s boy band Color Me Badd was arrested in Hawaii for beating his then-wife up and two years before that he was arrested for beating up his girlfriend. Since then, Bryan Abrams has been up to his same old asshole tricks. He’s been beating women and when he’s not beating women, he’s been beating up pie with his mouth.
Bryan has been charged with domestic violence 5 times since 2006 and he pleaded guilty to his latest one in April. Bryan admitted to punching his third wife in the face. The white Z-list Chris Brown was ordered to perform community service and get counseling for drug issues and for being a lady-beating piece of shit. Bryan didn’t do everything he was supposed to do and so he was in court today to answer to a judge. Bryan wobbled in on a walker (more on that in a second) while wearing an old outfit from Structure’s plus size collection. If you don’t remember what Bryan looked like back in the day, here you go:
Those exquisite brows…. So sharp you could cut your ass hairs off with them…
NewsOK says that in court today, Bryan’s lawyer argued that he hasn’t been able to complete his community service because ailments have been fucking with his health. Bryan has been trying to lose some chunk and he recently had hip surgery, which is why he’s using that walker. Bryan’s lawyer told the court that he’s sober now and he wants to do right, but health problems are keeping him down. Bryan promised to finish his counseling and community service before his next hearing in January. And back to that walker…
NewsOK says that when he was in front of the judge, Bryan played the “OHWOEISMETHEPAIN” role and he never let go of his walker. But when he left the courtroom, he picked up his walker and ran up the stairs while carrying it. Bryan also recently tweeted about no longer being in pain.
While Bryan was beating up women, time was beating him up. DAMN. I wish I could take back all the times I fapped to Bryan Abrams and fap to the one with the 40-foot long forehead instead. This is ruining the 90s for me, because one of my fap dream stars has turned into a lady-beating shyster who wears an untucked plaid shirt to court. How beyond dreadful.
(Top pic via Steve Gooch/AP)
Kanye West (pictured here looking like he’s having a tough time evicting a difficult doodie) and Bret Easton Ellis recently recorded a podcast in which they engaged in an hour-long conversation/circle-jerk about film, fashion, and creativity, and it’s just as insanely delusional as you would imagine a podcast starring Kanye West could be. Complex has transcribed a few of the better parts, including this truly WTF comment on slavery (those prone to SMDH Syndrome should be advised that the following passage is very long and could seriously aggravate their condition):
“I felt like the main character [in Twelve Years a Slave]. And what I’m dealing with even as a mega-popular rich celebrity, you know, ‘Fuck you, who do you think you are to complain about anything?’ situation that I’m in. In the past when I’ve dealt with attempting to create in other fields, or attempting to create in clothing. I’ve kind of been on this campaign that started with, ironically, my song, ‘New Slaves.’ Where I was sitting in Paris and dealing with all of these companies that I had promoted, and I saw my friends promote it. And the reason, literally, why they would sell on Barneys’ floors is because me and Jay Z and everyone wore it. It’d be something that maybe I kind of discovered four years before then me and Don C started putting it on-trend.
Then you start doing more research and say, ‘Hey, I want to be a part of the creative conversation and be able to make money off of that also.’ They stop you right there and say, ‘You can’t be a part of that conversation,’ or they’ll give you a one-off. At Louis Vuitton I did one shoe. At Nike I did two shoes but they spread them apart over four years and they had the most impact possible. I kind of saw that side of what it was, as a creative, to be free, the parallel to the main character in Twelve Years a Slave. When it was taken away from me, it felt like what it felt like as a creative to be enslaved.”
Since it’s impossible for you to see my reaction, I’ll use the gif which most accurately represents my feelings. Take it away, Donna Meagle!
WHAT. THE. FUCK, YOU GUYS?!? Is Kanye West out of his goddamned mind?!? I literally have no words. He just compared designing a single shoe for Louis Vuitton with American Slavery. Do we have to wait till he puts on a ratty wig before we realize he’s fucking insane? It doesn’t really end there, though. Kanye also pulled the bug up his butt and flicked it at Zappos:
“I got into this giant argument with the head of Zappos, that he’s trying to tell me what I needed to focus on. Meanwhile he sells all this shit product to everybody, and his whole thing is based off of selling shit product.”
Zappos, proving they’re deserving of all your high-fives today, responded to Kanye’s slam with this picture on Facebook:
The only thing that would have made this picture 100% accurate is if there was a bottle of Kim Kardashian’s perfume floating in the bowl (on sale now at Zappos!)
I thought we’d learned all we could about 2006-era Lindsay Lohan (booze, booze, pills, coke, booze, dating the Pink Taco douchehole, booze) but as it turns out, there’s still more! Just when you thought the surface zit that is LiLo has been drained, you dig a little deeper and a whole new mess explodes onto your bathroom mirror.
Life&Style reports that LiLo has more than just a fear of being sober for longer than 6 minutes; a source claims she also has achondroplasiaphobia (a fear of little people):
“In 2006 at the Chateau Marmont, she was with pals when two little people walked by and she started having a major anxiety attack!” the insider tells the mag of her bizarre fear. “She hyperventilated. Someone had to give her an antianxiety pill to calm her down. She kept saying, ‘I’m so scared of them!’”
In response to this grossness, the nonprofit advocacy group, Little People of America, issued this ‘No duh’ statement to Lindsay Lohan:
“Lohan should treat her fear the same as she would a fear of any other protected minority population. If that fails, she might find diversity training to be useful.”
But don’t go mailing Blu-rays of The Wizard of Oz or Willow to LiLo’s house just yet; a rep for Lindsay denied Life&Style’s story by telling E! News:
“Lindsay loves all people.”
Uh oh, was the second part of that statement was cut off? I think it’s supposed to read:
“Lindsay loves all people, especially those with drugs, but especially-especially those who might have a bit of extra cash on them.”
Dear Little People of America: this story is about 2006 Chateau Marmont Lindsay. If you need a reference, it’s probably about 6 months, give or take, from this. I doubt she was afraid of a little person, and I’ll explain why: when you’re chasing 30 Adderall with a 2L of Skyy every night, you’re bound to hallucinate some fucked-up shit. You can’t take it personally: LiLo was rolling hard through a heavy pill-fog and probably confused a little person for a chainsaw-weilding talking chicken nugget. Plus, freaking out over something is the easiest way to score more pills. “Oh my god, that stray dog just mouthed the words ‘You’re dead, bitch‘ at me! I’m freaking out! Someone should give me some pills to calm down, right?”
(Pic via Wenn)
Full disclosure: I’ve listened to this song 6 times in a row and I can honestly say, without a shred of irony or exaggeration, that a song has never made me wish I was born deaf more than this (although my ears did just ask me if I own a gun, so it looks like hearing suicide might be right around the corner. THANK GOD).
Just when you thought the bar for terrible rich-kid rap was set as high as it could by Tom Hanks’s douchey son Chet (and, TBH, I really didn’t think it could possibly get any worse than that) Daniel Day-Lewis’s son pops up out of nowhere to slap the mic out of Chet’s hand and remind us that it can always get worse. Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to 19-year-old Gabe Day-Lewis, a teenage rapper who makes makes Justin Bieber look like Killer Mike. Gabe Day-Lewis’s song Green Auras is as clueless as you’d expect a spoiled rich son-of-Hollywood’s song about keeping-it-real to be, and it’s really terrific for a laugh and an eye-roll. However, in the event you don’t want to listen to this garbage (you’re strong; will you be my life coach?) I’ll give you the Cliffs Notes:
- Gabe’s idols are J. Cole and Nas (Nas: “Wow, that’s a bummer“)
- Gabe loves smoking weed. It may be his favourite thing ever (well, next to picking words at random from a rhyming dictionary and calling it rap)
- Gabe is ‘kicking it’ at Sarah Lawrence College; I believe that’s where DMX got his BA in Modern Languages and Literature (I could be wrong)
- Gabe is wearing a wooden Africa necklace because WHY. No really, why the fuck is he wearing that?!?
- Gabe wants you to call him Gabe Day, and not Gabe Day-Lewis. He also says that “judging someone for their dad is just as bad as being racist“. WHOAH. Hold. The. Fucking. Phone. Daniel Plainview, come pick up your kid.
There’s not much else to say about the video except that it looks like Gabe Day-Lewis saw Alison Gold’s Chinese Food and told his Daddy: “I want that, but instead of Chinese food, make it about smoking weed.” Green Auras is the son-of-an-Oscar winner version of asking Daddy for a $2000 gift certificate to ARK Music Factory for your birthday.
And if Gabe Day-Lewis was a Pokemon, his final form is Ras Trent, right?
There are many things on which to spend $1000. Food. Shelter. Warm clothes. Two humps on Brazilian sex workers if your name sort of rhymes with Lustin’ Beaver. If you’re a Miley fan, you can also spend the princely sum on a VIP meet-and-greet package to add on to your Bangerz tour ticket purchase. According to Radar, the package includes:
-One ticket along the catwalk (so you can conveniently choose to end it all and plunge to your death)
-Individual photo op with Miley (taken by living, breathing pedobear Terry Richardson)
-Pre-show drinks and snacks (Sugar free Red Bull and all the 100 calorie snack packs you can eat)
-Exclusive Miley gift bag (all the Hannah Montana stuff left on eBay)
-VIP laminate and commemorative ticket (to press in the pages of your future Unibomber-style manifesto)
-Crowd-free merchandise shopping (as if paying a thousand dollars so far wasn’t enough)
-Parking where available (you are so fucking welcome)
Passes are already sold out in Las Vegas, Nev., Anaheim, Calif., Tacoma, Wash., Phoenix, Ariz., Omaha, Neb. and Miami, Florida, begging the questions “what the fuck kind of allowance are kids getting these days?” and “why would any grown ass adult pay to see this shit”? A thousand dollars for the privilege of seeing Miley’s thrush-encrusted tongue up close? Or take a picture with her starved, plucked chicken ass while Uncle Terry suggests you undo a few buttons to “be more comfortable”? Or have to hoof it with the poors from the event to Parking Lot BFE because that was what was “available”?
While some fans are pissier than Kim Kardashian in her sex tape over the VIP prices, we can bet one person has already taken up a collection at his favorite tattoo parlor to be able t0 afford it. Paging the stellar decision making skills of Carl McCoid!
All Carl needs to complete the crazy is a full back tattoo of his fan pic with Miley. Hopefully the third time’s a charm and she won’t look like Eliza Dushku and Soleil Moon Frye had a baby who grew up to be a child prostitute.
(Photos: Wenn, Facebook)
The gold-encrusted moist butt sex raisins from Tom Cruise’s deposition in his $50 million lawsuit against Bauer Media just keep on coming. Tommy’s mad at those lying whores for saying he “abandoned” the former chosen child of Scientology, Suri Cruise, in a June 2012 cover story for InTouch. Bauer’s lawyers asked Tommy all kinds of questions about his job and are trying to prove that InTouch’s story wasn’t filled with more fairy tales than any given chapter in Dianetics. Tommy admitted that after Katie Holmes ripped up their marriage certificate and fed it to John Travolta’s hungry hungry b-hole, he didn’t see Suri for 100 days. Tommy said that he was busy filming and just couldn’t get away even though he can make a private jet appear just by snapping his fingers.
According to TMZ, Tommy said that in the past four years, he’s only put his ass on a commercial flight once and it was because he had no choice. Tommy also said that he doesn’t always need to see Suri in person, because he’s such a wonderful storyteller that all the stories he tells her over the phone are so vivid that they come to life. Tommy’s voice is like liquid acid for your brain. That crazy fucking bitch. But you know, I kind of see what he’s saying, because if he fed wonderful stories about L. Ron Hubbard into my ear, I’d envision a vivid intergalactic volcano and it would look so real that I’d want to throw myself into it.
Tommy also tried to make his job seem so demanding and so important by comparing it to fighting in Afghanistan and competing in the Olympics. It’s official. Thetans have entered Tommy Girl’s asshole, crawled up to his head and have nibbled whatever is left of his brains. The insane foolery via TMZ
Tom says his location shoots are just like serving a tour in Afghanistan, “That’s what it feels like. And certainly on this last movie, it was brutal. It was brutal.”
As for his physical training, Tom said, “There is difficult physical stamina and preparation. Sometimes I’ve spent months, a year, and sometimes two years preparing for a single film.” But the kicker, he adds, “A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I’m shooting, I could potentially have to run 30, 40 races a day, day after day.”
Tommy is so right. Acting in some action movie is just like fighting for your country. Everybody knows that every troop has a body double to do all the shooting and fighting stuff for them. After about an hour or two of fake battling with extras, each troop goes back to their multi-million dollar, air-conditioned trailer and as one of their assistant feeds them cuisine flown in from Italy, a massage therapist massages their sphincter and then another assistant reads them an e-mail their daughter sent them so they can say they spent time with her. Then each troop gets their hair and make-up touched up and as they walk back to the battle ground, one assistant spritzes them with Evian as another one holds up a fan to keep them cool in the one million degree heat. And after a day of fake fighting, a helicopter takes them back to their 5-star luxury hotel. Yes, being a millionaire movie star is just like facing death every single day!
I swear, if you put an E-meter can in Tommy’s hand and asked him if he knows how full of shit he is, the E-meter can would explode as soon as he spit out the N in NO. If you dropped Tommy’s ass in Afghanistan, the first thing he’d say is, “Where’s the Escalade that’ll take me to the Four Seasons?”
But Tommy’s lawyer told People that TMZ distorted his words. Here’s the new definition of “backtracking“:
“The assertions that Tom Cruise likened making a movie to being at war in Afghanistan is a gross distortion of the record. What Tom said, laughingly, was that sometimes, ‘That’s what it feels like.’ As the video shows, he and the lawyer were laughing at his answer, and, when asked in the next question if the situations were comparable, Tom said, ‘Oh, come on,’ meaning of course not.’”
Tommy went on to say, “…of course not. My job is WAY harder. I mean, one time I had to fly commercial to a shooting location. Can you imagine? Guh-ross, right?“
I may or may not have started my day off as June Cleaver. (Okay, I didn’t.) I’m pretty sure June never stole a Kit Kat from Wally and the Beav’s Halloween stash and had to dive into the half bath off the kitchen to shove it in her mouth in order to not get caught using it to stir her coffee. (That shit’s delicious- try it. It’s right up there with using a Red Vine to drink strawberry soda.)
HOWEVER, I’m a rung or two up from Boca Raton’s own Mother of the Year candidate Heather McAuliffe, who, according to the Sun-Sentinel (via Daily Mail), was arrested Thursday after writing an email to her six-year-old son’s teacher, saying she had given him 5 milligrams of her Adderall as an “experiment” and asking the teacher to report back on his behavior. Heather said she crushed the pill up in her son’s yogurt to help him. Cue Dina Lohan reading this thinking, “So??!?? I gave my angelic, beautiful Lindsay Adderall and she turned out just fine!!”
You dumb ho! Sure, some kids have issues but take him to the damn doctor to be properly evaluated instead of giving him your ADHD meds. Christ in a sidecar, you’d think some parenting shit would be so basic that it wouldn’t require specific instructions, but whatever is in Florida’s water supply continues to overshadow common fucking sense.
Part of me kind of hopes Heather jumps her $3,000 bond, so that on an episode of Dog and Beth on the Hunt, Dog Chapman can put his aging action hero run to good use, chasing her down in the Florida humidity, his magnificent corn dog-colored manchichis glistening with sweat. Beth can handcuff Heather, put her in an SUV and lecture her while Beth’s tits take up three quarters of the backseat of a Chevy Suburban.
(Photo: The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Department)
Doutzen Kroes Feels Guilty Being Prettied And You Just Heard The Sound of A Million Tiny Violins Playing
Eyeballs everywhere just rolled back so far, everybody in the world is now looking out their own asshole while model Doutzen Kroes talks out of hers to Page Six.
“Sometimes it makes me feel guilty now that I am in this profession that makes certain girls insecure,” the Victoria’s Secret beauty, 28, told us. “I always say, I don’t look like the picture . . . If you put me in bad light with no hair and makeup, it’s not good . . . I wake up sometimes like, this is not what I see when I look at the magazine, who is this visitor in the bathroom?”
You know what most people do when something makes them feel guilty? They stop doing it. Maybe it’s easier to ignore your conscious when you get paid millions to sell the genetic lottery-winning face attached to your soul to the devil that is stylists and Photoshop. While she Doutzen did express her happiness over the Model Alliance bill of rights, which includes specific guidelines protecting underaged models from the Terry Richardsons of the world. It didn’t include anything about protecting the general public from models talking about how rough they have it being all beautiful, though even if they do get the same gut-check in the mornings as the rest of us regulars.
Part of me doesn’t even want to hear about someone who is young, rich and thin complaining about what they see in the mirror in the morning. Call me when you’re in your mid-thirties, have random mutant hairs sprouting inexplicably from your neck and chin and because you grabbed an extra 15 minutes of sleep after being awake because not one, but two of your kids were up in the middle of the night, so you find yourself playing a game of “How Many Consecutive Layers of Deodorant In Lieu of A Shower Is Okay” and praying that the answer is three. You get dressed, stuffing your gut into pants that barely fit because you got cocky last spring when you lost a few pounds and donated all your fat pants to Goodwill, say “Ah, fuck it” when you dribble toothpaste on your shirt and go out to greet your family with hair that looks like a cat sucked it because you forgot to run a brush through.
(Pic via SplashNews)