Category: Dumbasses

Someone Clearly Missed The Astronomy Unit In 3rd Grade Science Class

April 27, 2016 / Posted by:

I don’t know if all the weed Miley Cyrus has smoked has killed the part of her brain that stores the stuff she learned in elementary school, or if it’s because the tutor on the set of Hannah Montana skipped science class all together because she was afraid a person like Miley would be predisposed to turning the classroom into a meth lab. But Miley Cyrus clearly has a problem identifying planets.

Yesterday, the humanized version of a Nevada pull-tab ticket posted a picture of her newest tattoo on Instagram. It’s the one on her arm in the middle of the cat and what appears to be some kind of double-ended alien vibrator. Now, if I asked you to guess what planet was on Miley’s arm, you’d probably guess Saturn. Right? It’s a planet surrounded by a huge ring, so it’s got to be Saturn. Well, according to Miley, it’s Jupiter. Miley captioned the picture “#lilbbjupiter“, and a whole day (and several people in the comments screaming “DID YOU MEAN SATURN?“) later, she still hasn’t changed it.

See, this is one of those times where it’s so obvious that on-set learning can’t duplicate the regular school experience. In my school, we learned about the solar system in the same way we learned pretty much everything: by spending an entire week working on a model! We made a bunch of janky paper mache planets, painted them up all pretty-like, then tied them to a wire coat hanger and proceeded to watch them fall on everyone’s heads because nobody tied the strings tight enough. That the kind of learning that stays with you. I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, but I sure as hell can remember that Saturn is the one with all the fancy-ass rings and hurts like hell if you catch it on the face.

E! News says that Miley isn’t technically wrong when she says that the planet on her arm with a ring around it is Jupiter. In 1979, scientists discovered that Jupiter had a few tiny rings of its own. Yeah, I’m calling “Sure, Jan” on that one. That’s like me bragging about having money because I can withdraw $20 from my checking account without it going into overdraft. I mean, I do it, but it doesn’t make it true.

Pic: Instagram

American Idol Runner-Up La’Porsha Renae Doesn’t Really Agree With The LGBT “Lifestyle”

April 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Many were rooting for La’Porsha Renae to win the last season of American idol and now some of that many are side-eying what she said about the LGBT community: “I am one of the people who don’t really agree with that lifestyle. I wasn’t brought up that way. It wasn’t how I was raised.

La’Porsha, dost thou not see the irony in thine statement. American Idol is gayer than a manbag full of dicks! Her thoughts and views on the glittery gays were prompted by a reporter asking her what she thought of the new anti-LGBT laws of her home state Mississippi. La’Porsha also gave everyone new information by saying that gay people are people too and said that she has a lot of gay friends and she loves them. via NewNowNext.

This is how I feel about the LGBT community: They are people just like us. They’re not animals as someone stated before. They’re people with feelings. Although all of us may not agree with that particular lifestyle for religious reasons, whatever the reason is, you still treat each other with respect. Everybody is a human being. We should be able to coexist with one another. I am one of the people who don’t really agree with that lifestyle. I wasn’t brought up that way. It wasn’t how I was raised. But I do have a lot of friends and a lot of people that I love dearly who are gay and homosexual and they’re such sweet, nice people. We should just respect each other’s differences and opinions and move on.

La’Porsha also tweeted this after the internet hit back at her:

Lots of American Idol winners and losers probably pay they bills from performing at regional gay clubs and third-tier pride events, but something tells me La’Porsha Renae isn’t going to be asked to perform at the after-after party for Fresno Pride anytime soon.

Pic: Wenn

Donald Trump Has Won Another Highly Coveted Endorsement

April 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Even though Kendra Wilkinson has the brains of a dried dingle clinging to the end of a butt plug, she has somehow learned that the easiest way to get a headline in this day and age is to say that you want Donald Trump to be the next President of the United States. And yes, I’m fell for it. I fell for a trick produced by Kendra Wilkinson. I am a Swede circa 1962 putting cut-up nylons on his TV screen.

Kendra publicly announced that she’s a member of Tramps4Trump, along with Aaron Carter, Tila Tequila, Dennis Rodman, Kid Rock and Teresa Giudice, while whoring out the new season of her reality show Kendra On Top. During an interview with Fox411 (via The Superficial), Kendra was asked about politics, which makes sense, because we all know her as a highly-esteemed political expert. Kendra mouth farted to Fox411 about how she’s so conservative that even her conservative friends think she’s conservative. Not only is Hugh Hefner’s former diaper changer really conservative, but she’s also a conspiracy theorist, which is why she’s supporting Trump. Yeah, I don’t know either….

“I support Donald Trump, but I also support abortion and a women’s right to choice what to do with their body. I’m more of a conspiracy theorist. I think everything is a motive for money. Every thought, every belief, everything we’re taught in school. The thing that what we’re taught in the public school system is everything you should know, I disagree with that. The most brilliant people in the world were drop-outs not that I’m pro-dropping out. I just believe there’s more to life than what’s in those books. I think a lot of things shoved in our face, politically and historically is for money, that’s the motive.”

The words “conservative” and “conspiracy” don’t mean what Kendra thinks they mean.

But seriously, she is totally right about the money thing. Cases in point: 1. Kendra’s main motivations for bouncing on shriveled turtle dick and letting Hugh Hefner give her a pearl moth ball necklace were money and fame. 2. The story about Hank Baskett’s ESCANDALOSO alleged affair with a trans model was just a stunt to get more ratings, which would get Kendra more money. Look at me, I’m sounding like Conspiracy Theorist Kendra!

Here’s the walking Julia Roberts/Mel Gibson movie and Hank at the premiere of their shit show last night:


Zayn Malik May Have Permanently Tattooed An Ad For His Album Onto His Face

March 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Ah! The joys of being young and dumb. At no other time do we approach just about everything with such reckless abandon… Zayn Malik. And his new face tattoo. Face. Tattoo.

Zayn posted the above picture on his Instagram and has sent shockwaves, SHOCKWAVES, through the internet. Countless toddler devotees have reportedly been throwing themselves out windows, slitting their wrists and upending their toy boxes in shock and rage. I can understand their outrage. If my favorite got a crappy drawing of a parrot possibly taking a dump on some flowers (That’s what I see because I love shit and toilet jokes.) with its butt blocked out by a scroll plugging his new album I’d be pretty mad too.

Yes, apparently “M.O.M” stands for “Mind of Mine“, the name of his new album. Zayn captioned the pic with, “Like I Would,” which is the name of his new song. Some people are taking that to mean this is a joke, or rather… a stunt! UsWeekly pointed out some comments and tweets in response to this possible Crayola disaster, such as “Please let that be a drawing! Not a real tattoo!”, “Zayn’s tattoo better be fake or I’m unstanning” and “Why your beautiful face?? @zaynmalik WHYYY???? DONT RUIN IT”.

He has over 40 tattoos, most of them questionable, so this very well could be real. If Harry Styles can get that Silence of the Lambs looking chest tattoo, what’s to stop Zayn from this mess? Whatever the case, my feelings about him, this tattoo and One Direction in general can all be summed up by the best comment on the picture – “EWEWWWWWW!!! OMG WHY!

Pic: Instagram

Henry Cavill Loves, Loves, Loves Being A Rich Movie Star!

March 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Many millionaire actors have pulled our dicks by saying that they don’t make pieces of shit Hollywood movies because of the money, they do it for their art. They don’t make big-budget Hollywood action movies because of the eight figure checks they bring. They do it because it brings them major amounts of artistic fulfillment. But hot and furry Easter Island statue Henry Cavill isn’t going to tell us bullshit lies. Henry admits that he’s not only making movies because “acting” is his life and he’ll die without it. Henry loves the millions of dollars he makes from being a movie star. At least SOMEONE is being honest, but seriously, here I was thinking that Henry was only playing the multi-layered character of Superman over and over again because it truly stroked his thespian bone good. I was wrong.

Well, Well, Well, The LAPD Is Testing A Knife That May Have Been Buried On O.J. Simpson’s Property Years Ago (UPDATE)

March 4, 2016 / Posted by:

UPDATE: TMZ says that the cop in this story claims that he did call the LAPD right after the construction worker gave him the knife in 2002. The cop retired from the LAPD in 1998. A supervisor at the West L.A. division of the LAPD apparently told the retired cop that the case is closed since O.J. was acquitted. The supervisor didn’t care about the knife so the cop took it him. The LAPD is currently investigating as to whether he made that call or not. And here we are….

Let’s say you’re an LAPD cop earning some extra coins on your off-duty hours by working security on a film set that happens to be across from O.J. Simpson’s old estate in Brentwood, CA. Let’s also say that while you’re working, a construction worker comes up to you and shows you a knife he found buried on O.J.’s property. What do you do:

– You drop everything and take it to the police. Because common sense tells you that you may be holding an important piece of evidence since O.J. Simpson’s ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman were both stabbed to death in 1994 with a knife and the murder weapon was never found.


– You decide to redefine the meaning of “buffoonery” by holding onto the knife for years. Then after keeping it in your box of keepsakes for years, you pull it out and decide to have it framed and engraved at the mall store Things Remembered Possible Murder Weapons Remembered, so you ask your friend in the LAPD Robbery Homicide Division for the department record number of the Simpson/Goldman murder case.

The officer of this possibly true story went with the second option. If this story was a Choose Your Adventure book and you went with the second option, on the page you turned to would be the words: You just failed! Close this book and immediately go to a corner to reevaluate your life choices.


Blac Chyna And Black Sheep Kardashian Ask, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, How Does It Work?”

February 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Because Rob Kartrashian’s sock empire is worth about as much as a jar of toe jam (“So, like $565 then, because that’s how much the jar of toe jam I bought on eBay cost.” – Quentin Tarantino), he can’t pay his own rent and he let his mommy buy his 28-year-old ass a $2.3 million house in the same neighborhood his fame whore family terrorizes. Maybe Pimp Mama Kris did it because she wants Rob out of Blac Chyna’s place. Or maybe she did it because she saw a tax right-off opportunity and was able to register the house as a Wayward Home for Family Embarrassments with the ‘Beetes. Whatever the case may be, PMK had one of her minions stock the kitchen of Rob’s new house with fancy foods like Raincoast crackers and quinoa, and it blew his and Blac Chyna’s minds.

Blac Chinet posted a video on Instagram of her and her Kardashian revenge fuck, Rob, taking a tour of all of the foods his pimp mommy bought him and they couldn’t believe their eyes. They acted like they had no idea what shit like Sharon’s Sorbet, McCann’s Irish Oatmeal and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! is. Watching this video is like watching stoned cavemen try to shop at Whole Foods. Blac Chinet and Rob ask, “What the fuck is this?”, while looking at all the food his mommy bought for him. In about 8 months when Donald Trump becomes president and civilization as we know it ends, creatures from other planets will land on our destroyed planet and say the exact same thing while looking at covers of UsWeekly and Star with the Kartrashians on them. Apparently, the Instagram video was deleted, but leave it to TMZ to have it!

Rob also put a tiny dent in his debt to Pimp Mama Kris by giving her material for an upcoming episode of Krapping Up the Kartrashians. Rob shat this up on Instagram last night:


You may be rolling your eyes at Rob calling himself an “orphan” since, yes, PMK’s heart may be dead, but she’s technically alive. But you shouldn’t have a problem with Rob calling himself an oprhan. Don’t you remember that scene in Oliver where mom buys him a multi-million dollar house and fills it with $12 crackers? “Please mum, can I have some more…artisan tortillas?

Pics: Splash

Chris Martin Almost Took An Ass To The Face During The NME Awards Last Night

February 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Because the picture above looks like a page from Where’s Waldo? that’s been filtered through painkillers and waxed paper, allow me to explain what we’re looking at. In the purple t-shirt in the bottom center we have Chris Martin. Surrounding him is the rest of Coldplay. And in the middle of the table is Oli Sykes, the leader singer of a band called Bring Me the Horizon, who thought a good way to get some attention would be to climb up on Coldplay’s table during the NME Awards in London last night. Oli got up there and tore it up harder than Gwyneth Paltrow’s colon after an all-kale juice cleanse.

According to the Daily Mail, Oli Sykes (or as he’s no doubt known by the people at the linen rental company who have to clean the shoe prints out of that tablecloth, Oli Sucks) had people wondering what kind of drugs they serve backstage at the NME Awards when he trashed Coldplay’s table during his band’s performance. As you can see in the video below, not so soon after he got up, that table started a-rockin’ and Oli made the smart decision to hop off.

TMZ seems to think that Sykes threw a tabletop tantrum because the art for Coldplay’s latest album, A Head Full of Dreams, looks sort of like the art from their 2013 album, Sempiternal. They accused Coldplay of copying them back in November. However, Sykes claims that had nothing to do with it, and that he was just angry over “sound problems.

It doesn’t take a detective to know that Oli is a table-stomping liar. You’ve got to really hate someone with all your heart to climb up on their table and smash all their alcohol. What makes it even worse is that Coldplay had to then sit through the rest of some third-tier banquet hall-looking award show with no booze. That’s some evil revenge, Oli.

How To Get Dropped By Nike In One Easy Step

February 17, 2016 / Posted by:

If you ever find yourself in a Nike contract that you want to get out of, because you’re just really tired of making an ass load of money by holding a sneaker and a phone while a photographer takes your picture for an ad, just follow Manny Pacquiao’s lead. Just say some anti-gay shit to the media and BOOM: Nike will tear up your contract faster than you can say the “Just” in “Just Do It.”


Teresa Giudice Is Still Really Good At Not Breaking The Law, I See…

January 17, 2016 / Posted by:

To be fair, I’m sure it’s really difficult to read the list of “Do Not Dos” your lawyer gave you on the day you returned home from prison when you’ve got more artificial eyelashes than Lamb Chop stuck to your eyelids.

Less than one month after she was released from prison, Teresa Giudice is already breaking laws and trying to weasel her way out of trouble. “That’s my girl!” grunted Joe Giudice. TMZ says that on Thursday night, the human My Precious Puff almost had to call up the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution and tell them to put some fresh sheets on her bed. Teresa was leaving a red carpet event in New Jersey (don’t worry, I laughed at those words too) and realized she might not make her 10pm curfew. That’s uh-oh #1. So she hopped in an Uber and told her driver to haul ass. Of course, Teresa’s Uber got busted for speeding on the way home. That’s uh-oh #2.

As the police were talking to the Uber driver, Teresa piped up from the back seat and told them she was trying to get home by 10pm and it was her idea to drive like a mess. TMZ says that the police officer immediately recognized who she was, and agreed to let her go without a ticket because she had had such a shitty year.

Of course, this is just TMZ’s side of the story. I’m sure if you spoke to the police officer who caught them speeding, they would paint an entirely different picture. “Just as I started to write the driver a ticket, this horrible thing with crazy eyes popped up out of the backseat. All eyes and hair – I couldn’t tell where its forehead ended and its hairline started. I think it was The Babadook in low-budget New Jersey housewife drag. Anyways, it scared me so bad I damn near pissed my pants, so I let them go.

Pic: Splash

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