Category: Dumbasses

Flavor Flav Was Arrested In Las Vegas For (Insert Every Misdemeanor Here)

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

That side-eye. That sneer. That mug shot. Flavor Flav looks the way I felt after my 2-day BBB (booze, buffet and beauty in the form of Mimi and Brit Brit) binge in Las Vegas.

Early yesterday morning in Las Vegas, the cops answered, “It’s jail time,” after Flavor Flav asked, “Do you know what time it is?” One of the vanguards who built Vh1′s kingdom of reality show fuckery found himself in handcuffs yesterday after his 2005 black BMW was pulled over for going way too fast. E! News says that at around 12:30 on Thursday morning, highway patrol caught Flavor Flav (born name: William Jonathan Drayton, Jr.) going 73mph in a 45mph zone. That traffic stop led to a treasure trove of charges. Flav was charged with six misdemeanors including DUI, speeding, possession of weed, driving with a suspended license, driving with an open container and driving with a bunk registration.

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SAVE BOO AND PISTOL DEPP!

May 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Johnny Derp’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, might get shot up with death juice and sent to heaven because their dumbass, entitled human smuggled them into Australia while ignoring its quarantine laws. Dead Yorkies walking :(

Like many countries, Australia is NOT THE ONE when it comes to animals coming in from foreign places. Dogs coming into Australia from other countries must spend at least 10 days in a government quarantine facility. That’s nothing compared to other countries. (Japan’s quarantine period is up 180 days and some countries don’t even allow foreign dogs in.) When Johnny Depp flew back to Australia from the US on a private jet to continue shooting the 1,800th Pirates of the Caribbean movie, he brought Boo and Pistol with him. Johnny completely ignored Australia’s quarantine laws the same way he ignores basic hygiene upkeep. Boo and Pistol didn’t spend one second in a quarantine facility and they went straight to Johnny’s mansion. Authorities discovered that Boo and Pistol were in the country illegally when a groomer in Maudsland, Queensland posted a picture of them on Facebook and bragged about grooming them.

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Lindsay Lohan Still Hasn’t Completed All Those Belated Community Service Hours (UPDATE)

May 7, 2015 / Posted by:

We’re all totally shocked, aren’t we. I hope the force from our jaws dropping at the same time didn’t throw the Earth off its axis. So, remember back in February when Lindsay Lohan tried to pass off her performances in Speed-The-Plow as community service? And then a judge called bullshit and told her she had three months to make up 125 community service hours? Well, TMZ says she still hasn’t done them, and she only has 3 weeks left to complete her hours. Sweet Salty Jesus, it’s like we’re stuck on a goddamn freckled nonsense merry-go-round.

Despite the fact that she recently posted a picture of her alleged community service to Instagram, the community service organization in London that Lohan has been working with has told prosecutors that she’s completed less than 20 hours. To put that into perspective, that’s like taking 3 months to watch I Know Who Killed Me ten times. I know it’s a struggle to watch that shit even once, but come on – if it was that or going to jail…actually, bad example.

Lindsay is due in court today for a progress hearing, and TMZ says that the prosecutor plans on asking the judge for a warrant for her arrest. However, TMZ says there’s no extradition for a misdemeanor, which means the Apricot Ashtray could just stay in London and an arrest would never happen.

This whole mess is the result of a reckless driving charge from 2012, so you’d think that at some point during those 3 years that at least one person in that courtroom would clue in and realize Lindsay Lohan is never going to complete her community service. They might as well sentence her to 300 hours of unicorn wrangling or showing up to work on time. Stop trying to make Lindsay Lohan’s community service happen, it’s not going to happen!

Speaking of, here’s Lindsay being too busy to do community service in London last week. Or maybe blowing greasy air kisses at the paps she called and collecting free shit from a boutique is her community service?

UPDATE: Remember before when I said Lindsay finished less than 20 hours of community service? According to TMZ, LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley admitted to the judge that it was actually 9 hours and 45 minutes. LiLo’s excuse this time: the community service center is too far away. She’s asked that Lindsay finish the rest of her hours in Brooklyn, NY. She has till May 28th to complete 115 hours or else “there will be consequences.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Hell Hath No Fury Like An Onion Crunch Mogul Scorned

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

That dog wants no part of Nick Loeb’s acts of fuckery and I’m with it.

Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé Nick Loeb wrote a New York Times op-ed piece about why he wants complete control of their frozen embryos and I guess The New York Times published it, because they didn’t have anything else. (Dear New York Times, if you ever need a highly interesting and thought-provoking op-ed piece, please ask me to write one about the different flavors of dick cheese or why Homework starring Joan Collins is an underrated masterpiece that belongs in the AFI Hall of Fame.) In the piece, which should be titled, “How To Get Back At The Ex You’re Not Over And Get The Pro-Life Crowd On Your Side While Doing So,” Nick explains why he’s asking a court to ignore what Sofia Vergara wants and let him turn those frozen embryos into humans.

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So About That “What The…?” Ending Of The Jinx

March 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Just hours after Robert Durst was arrested in New Orleans for the 15-year-old murder of his friend Susan Berman, the final episode of HBO’s The Jinx aired and in it, the Maenad shark showed criminals what not to do if they’ve already gotten away with a whole bunch of evil shit and want to continue to get away with it. Don’t be an attention whore and open your evil self up to a documentary.

In the finale, the documentary’s director and producer Andrew Jarecki interviewed Robert Durst and confronted him about a new piece of evidence against his ass in the case of Susan Berman’s murder. After Susan Berman was murdered in her home execution-style, someone anonymously sent the police a note with her address and the word “cadaver” on it. The fucker who sent the letter spelled “Beverly” as “Beverley.” While researching Robert Durst and Susan Berman’s murder, the filmmakers of The Jinx found a letter he mailed to her and on the envelope, “Beverly” was spelled “Beverley.” The filmmakers got a forensic document analyzer to look at both notes. The expert declared that yup, the handwriting came from the same trick. When Andrew showed the evidence to Robert Durst, he admitted that the handwriting looked the same and he couldn’t point out which was written by him. It’s impossible to know what Robert Durst is thinking since his demon shark eyes are emotionless and dead, but if you could, you’d clearly see him thinking to himself, “OH SHIT!”

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I See Someone Has Been Taking Notes From Beyonce’s Photoshop Expert Again

March 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, at least it’s not as bad as the last time Lindsay Lohan tried to Photoshop her ass, I guess.

Since Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed and doing not much of anything besides kissing Kardashian family ass, you’d think she would use some of that free time to sit her freckled ass down and learn how to Photoshop. But you’d be wrong, because unless Photoshop starts paying her bills, she isn’t going to waste a single second on that shit. And that’s how busted pictures like this are born!

The Apricot Ashtray is still in Paris teaching French rats how to cook, Ratatouille-style, and claiming it as community service hours (NO – she’s there for fashion week), and last night she posted the above picture to Instagram of herself looking like Dancing Pumpkin Guy’s rode hard put away extra thirsty second cousin in a room at the Plaza Athénée, and unless the Plaza Athénée is a carnival-themed hotel and she’s staying in the Fun House Suite, something is very wrong with the ass end of her body. Either she tried to make her ass bigger by pulling it out or tried to shrink her waist and thighs. But I think no matter what she did, we can all agree that it’s a damn mess.

Then again, years of partying, fame whoring, and dollar store spray tans might have done long-term damage to her brain, so maybe this image is actually an accurate representation of what LiLo sees. “Hey, something’s wrong with the door frame – why isn’t it all squiggly?

Pic: Instagram

So, I Guess North West Wasn’t A Fan Of The Alexander Wang Show Either

February 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Cathy Horyn of The New York Times, who? North West is the only fashion critic we need. On Thursday, North West made it perfectly clear that Kanye West’s collection for Adidas is an 80s aerobics fugly nightmare when she screamed during the show and demanded to be led far, far away from those nasty rags. North West pretty much gave Alexander Wang’s Fall/Winter 2015 collection the same review. You’d bawl too if a model came stomping toward you in those 90s gothic shit brick shoes.

The Illuminati’s parents of the year, Kim Kartrashian and Kuntye West, once again dragged their little, living fashion accessory to the last place she wants to be: a New York Fashion Week show. Why won’t those dumb fucks let North West live her life? I know as much about babies as I do about proper sentence structure, but I’m pretty sure listening to ear drum-busting music while watching The Grudge-looking ass models with constipation face is not their idea of a good time. Babies like to drool on their stuffed animals while watching mindless cartoons. They’re like stoners that way.

Pimp Mama Kris must be so disappointed in Kim. PMK taught Kim everything she knows about the pimp game and that hallowed-out mannequin of dumb made a rookie mistake. Doesn’t Kim know that you’re supposed to sell your child’s soul five seconds after they’re born so that they become vain and shallow inside and won’t act up when you parade them in front of the cameras? PMK is so ashamed! But I hope North West keeps rebelling against those messes, because we really need a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all from her in 20 years titled Pimpie Dearest.

Pics: Getty, Splash

Conrad Hilton Arrested For Allegedly Throwing A Douche Fit On A Plane

February 3, 2015 / Posted by:

20-year-old Conrad Hilton achieved the impossible. He has made his sister Parasite Hilton and his brother Barron Hilton (aka the one who crime boss Lindsay Lohan ordered a beat down on) look like reasonable and humble citizens of humanity who actually care about others. When someone achieves that, we as members of humanity should be able to band together and strap that asshole to a rocket headed to another planet. Actually, we wouldn’t want to do that, because then the aliens of that planet would declare war on us for sending them a Hilton.

TMZ says that last July, Conrad gave the passengers on a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles a real spoiled brat show when he went crazy and mouth shat up corroded dingles of delusion at the flight attendants. Witnesses tell TMZ that Conrad punched the bulkhead of the plane, just inches from a flight attendant’s head, and yelled out some shit that King Joffrey would yell out if he was a modern day trust fund ass tampon. Conrad allegedly screamed these words at the flight attendants.

- “If you wanna square up to me bro, then bring it and I will fucking fight you.”
– “I am going to fucking kill you.”
– “I will fucking rip through you.”
– “I will fucking own anyone on this flight; they are fucking peasants.”

Surprisingly, the peasants didn’t declare the plane a democracy and vote to kick Conrad off. But if they did that, he would’ve just floated safely to the ground since his head is full of hot air. A witness also says that at one point Conrad grabbed a flight attendant’s shirt and screamed, “I could get you all fired in 5 minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out. He has done it before. Dad paid $300k last time.” Children were apparently crying. People also smelled weed coming from the bathroom and blamed it on Conrad.

When Conrad’s douche reign of terror finally ended and he fell asleep, they handcuffed him to his seat.

I don’t know why we’re just hearing about it now, but he was eventually arrested and now Robert Shapiro (yes, that Robert Shapiro) is representing him. Shapiro argues that Conrad took a sleeping pill before the flight and it had “adverse effects” on him. Yeah, nice try, but Ambien and the good shit aren’t to blame. Conrad was just naturally born with the a-hole gene. He’s a Hilton. But seriously, I’m actually surprised that the flight attendants didn’t get on their knees and beg for their jobs, because nothing says big, bad powerful man like threatening to tell daddy.

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Lindsay Lohan Thinks She Can Get 15 Days Worth Of Community Service Completed By Wednesday

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

And I’m sure if you were to ask her how many days 15 is, she’d throw up the same number of fingers as above and go “I dunno, this many? Who cares. What is this, the SATs? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Dina this many boxes of wine so she can take this many naps.

So, tomorrow is January 28th. For most of us, January 28th is just a regular Wednesday. But for Lindsay Lohan, January 28th is the day she’s supposed to have all her delinquent community service hours completed. And surprise sur-fucking-prise, she’s been too busy partying and poorly Photoshopping half-naked selfies to get them done. However, that won’t stop her from trying! According to TMZ, Lindsay went to the Community Service Volunteers in London on Friday and Saturday to finish the 15 days worth of community service hours she couldn’t complete over the holidays because she was “sick” with that Chikungunya virus. They say her plan was to go again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but in classic LiLo fashion, LiLo said fuck it, and went to couture week in Paris instead.

According to Page Six, Lindsay spend Saturday night at a club called Le Titty Twister and didn’t leave till 5am. Then she spent Sunday at a Saint Laurent fashion show. No word on what she did yesterday and today, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess “not community service”. But don’t count the Apricot Ashtray out yet! TMZ says Lindsay is confident she can get all her community service done by tomorrow. Tomorrow. She thinks she can get it all done by tomorrow. Oh my god, drugs and booze have melted her brain worse than we thought.

Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I feel like she should be honest when she strolls into court tomorrow and tell the judge she was at a club in Paris. Technically, she was performing a type of community service; I can’t think of a better way to discourage excessive partying than being approached at a club at 5am by 28-year-old woman who looks like a 48-year-old mop asking to bum a couple smokes in exchange for a Teen Choice Award.

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And Here’s Naya Rivera’s Thoughts On The Showering Habits Of Different Races

January 13, 2015 / Posted by:

Kim Kartrashian klone Naya Rivera filled in for Whoopi Goldberg on The View today, and I guess she figured that since Whoopi wasn’t there someone had to dribble out a stream of nonsense.

The pecking hens on The View covered Buzzfeed’s piece about how us Americans bathe our asses too much and showering in hot water daily can dry out your skin and wash away good bacteria. Two dermatologists said that depending on weather and what you do with your body all day, you really just need to shower every two or three days. The dermatologists also said that if some of your parts get moist, juicy and stank, you can wipe them down with a wet towel. Nicolle Wallace said that she takes a shower three times a day. To which Naya Rivera said that she showers three times a week and then she shat up a theory about showering. When Naya Rivera says she has a theory, that’s your eye rolling muscle’s cue to stretch and get ready to roll.

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