Ryan Lochte may be a lie-telling douche, but I still wish that headline read “Ryan Lochte Dropped His Speedo.”
Ryan Lochte admitted to Matt Lauer that he “over-exaggerated” what went down in the gas station in Rio and apologized for his “immature tantics” (Side note: “Tantics” sounds like the name of a tic your body develops after doing hours of tantric sex), but that wasn’t enough for some of his sponsors to forgive him. Ryan not only lost his last brain cell from trying to form sentences during his interview with Matt Lauer, but he also lost money. Ralph Lauren, GentleLase hair removal system and Speedo have all announced that they’re fucking done professionally with Ryan Lochte.
One good thing to come out of this tale of dumb fuckery is that I learned that “scandal” in Portuguese is also “escândalo.” I lit up like Ryan Lochte after finally winning a game of Rocks, Paper, Siccor.
And in today’s episode of “This Is What Happens When Ryan Lochte Tries To Mastermind An Elaborate Lie,” we learn that he and three other U.S. swimmers were probably not robbed at gunpoint by thieves pretending to be cops. Ryan’s story started falling apart a quick minute after he opened up his mouth and now it’s a bigger mess than that hair color. Last night, authorities in Brazil pulled two of the swimmers, Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz, off of a flight for questioning, and they stopped the fourth swimmer, Jimmy Feigen, from leaving the country. And today, the Associated Press reports that Jack and Gunnar told authorities that they made up the robbery story. I’m sure that all of this will be seen in Netflix’s new investigative series titled Making A Moron.
Hmm, I wonder who gave him the kash to do it? I wonder, I wonder. If only there was a synthetic-faced klue somewhere in this picture.
Mark this day in your calendars, people: August 12, 2016. For the first time in known history, Tyga (real name: Michael Ray Stevenson) has actually…brace yourselves….paid a landlord back the money he owed them. A man who is on a first-name basis with most of the collection agency employees and repo men in the greater Los Angeles area has stopped running from one of the people chasing his deadbeat ass for money.
I don’t know if all the weed Miley Cyrus has smoked has killed the part of her brain that stores the stuff she learned in elementary school, or if it’s because the tutor on the set of Hannah Montana skipped science class all together because she was afraid a person like Miley would be predisposed to turning the classroom into a meth lab. But Miley Cyrus clearly has a problem identifying planets.
Yesterday, the humanized version of a Nevada pull-tab ticket posted a picture of her newest tattoo on Instagram. It’s the one on her arm in the middle of the cat and what appears to be some kind of double-ended alien vibrator. Now, if I asked you to guess what planet was on Miley’s arm, you’d probably guess Saturn. Right? It’s a planet surrounded by a huge ring, so it’s got to be Saturn. Well, according to Miley, it’s Jupiter. Miley captioned the picture “#lilbbjupiter“, and a whole day (and several people in the comments screaming “DID YOU MEAN SATURN?“) later, she still hasn’t changed it.
See, this is one of those times where it’s so obvious that on-set learning can’t duplicate the regular school experience. In my school, we learned about the solar system in the same way we learned pretty much everything: by spending an entire week working on a model! We made a bunch of janky paper mache planets, painted them up all pretty-like, then tied them to a wire coat hanger and proceeded to watch them fall on everyone’s heads because nobody tied the strings tight enough. That the kind of learning that stays with you. I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, but I sure as hell can remember that Saturn is the one with all the fancy-ass rings and hurts like hell if you catch it on the face.
E! News says that Miley isn’t technically wrong when she says that the planet on her arm with a ring around it is Jupiter. In 1979, scientists discovered that Jupiter had a few tiny rings of its own. Yeah, I’m calling “Sure, Jan” on that one. That’s like me bragging about having money because I can withdraw $20 from my checking account without it going into overdraft. I mean, I do it, but it doesn’t make it true.
Many were rooting for La’Porsha Renae to win the last season of American idol and now some of that many are side-eying what she said about the LGBT community: “I am one of the people who don’t really agree with that lifestyle. I wasn’t brought up that way. It wasn’t how I was raised.”
La’Porsha, dost thou not see the irony in thine statement. American Idol is gayer than a manbag full of dicks! Her thoughts and views on the glittery gays were prompted by a reporter asking her what she thought of the new anti-LGBT laws of her home state Mississippi. La’Porsha also gave everyone new information by saying that gay people are people too and said that she has a lot of gay friends and she loves them. via NewNowNext.
“This is how I feel about the LGBT community: They are people just like us. They’re not animals as someone stated before. They’re people with feelings. Although all of us may not agree with that particular lifestyle for religious reasons, whatever the reason is, you still treat each other with respect. Everybody is a human being. We should be able to coexist with one another. I am one of the people who don’t really agree with that lifestyle. I wasn’t brought up that way. It wasn’t how I was raised. But I do have a lot of friends and a lot of people that I love dearly who are gay and homosexual and they’re such sweet, nice people. We should just respect each other’s differences and opinions and move on.”
La’Porsha also tweeted this after the internet hit back at her:
— La'Porsha~Renae (@laporsharenae) April 9, 2016
Lots of American Idol winners and losers probably pay they bills from performing at regional gay clubs and third-tier pride events, but something tells me La’Porsha Renae isn’t going to be asked to perform at the after-after party for Fresno Pride anytime soon.
Even though Kendra Wilkinson has the brains of a dried dingle clinging to the end of a butt plug, she has somehow learned that the easiest way to get a headline in this day and age is to say that you want Donald Trump to be the next President of the United States. And yes, I’m fell for it. I fell for a trick produced by Kendra Wilkinson. I am a Swede circa 1962 putting cut-up nylons on his TV screen.
Kendra publicly announced that she’s a member of Tramps4Trump, along with Aaron Carter, Tila Tequila, Dennis Rodman, Kid Rock and Teresa Giudice, while whoring out the new season of her reality show Kendra On Top. During an interview with Fox411 (via The Superficial), Kendra was asked about politics, which makes sense, because we all know her as a highly-esteemed political expert. Kendra mouth farted to Fox411 about how she’s so conservative that even her conservative friends think she’s conservative. Not only is Hugh Hefner’s former diaper changer really conservative, but she’s also a conspiracy theorist, which is why she’s supporting Trump. Yeah, I don’t know either….
“I support Donald Trump, but I also support abortion and a women’s right to choice what to do with their body. I’m more of a conspiracy theorist. I think everything is a motive for money. Every thought, every belief, everything we’re taught in school. The thing that what we’re taught in the public school system is everything you should know, I disagree with that. The most brilliant people in the world were drop-outs not that I’m pro-dropping out. I just believe there’s more to life than what’s in those books. I think a lot of things shoved in our face, politically and historically is for money, that’s the motive.”
The words “conservative” and “conspiracy” don’t mean what Kendra thinks they mean.
But seriously, she is totally right about the money thing. Cases in point: 1. Kendra’s main motivations for bouncing on shriveled turtle dick and letting Hugh Hefner give her a
pearl moth ball necklace were money and fame. 2. The story about Hank Baskett’s ESCANDALOSO alleged affair with a trans model was just a stunt to get more ratings, which would get Kendra more money. Look at me, I’m sounding like Conspiracy Theorist Kendra!
Here’s the walking Julia Roberts/Mel Gibson movie and Hank at the premiere of their shit show last night: