Category: Dumbasses

Another Day, Another Asshole Comparing Paparazzi Attention To Rape

July 6, 2014 / Posted by:

One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent

“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”

Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.

And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:

“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”

Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.

And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.

Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.

Pics: Splash

Kendra Wilkinson Flushed Her Wedding Ring Down The Toilet After Finding Out That Hank Baskett Cheated On Her

July 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Today, White Oprah is scuba diving in the sewers of Calabasas, because her back alley pharmacists are riding her charbroiled asshole for being past due on several invoices and she’s got a diamond wedding ring to find and pawn off.

Hank Baskett hasn’t burped up one denial about the rumor that he cheated on Hugh Hefner’s former diaper changer/fuck piece Kendra Wilkinson with transsexual YouTube model, (The answer is “YES” if you’re asking yourself, “Is ‘transsexual YouTube model’ the best job title of all-time?”) Ava Sabrina London, so she’s gotten suspicious and has done some digging of her own. UsWeekly says that Kendra found some shit that she believes confirms that Hank passed his peen to another while she was pregnant.

A source tells UsWeekly that Kendra didn’t think the rumor was true at first, but she squinted her eyes in suspicion when he didn’t publicly deny it and that led her to do some snooping. Apparently, Kendra found a suspect charge on Hank’s credit card bill and that charge may or may not have been from TranssexualYouTubeModelsSlashHookers.com. Kendra lost whatever is left of her mind and flushed her wedding ring down the toilet.

Once Wilkinson discovered an unexplained—and damning—charge on his credit card, she “flipped out,” the source says. In a rage, she punched walls in their Calabasas, Calif. home, threw their 2009 wedding photos into the pool, and even pulled off her wedding ring, flushing it down the toilet, the source says.

“She was extremely angry,” the source observes of Wilkinson, who also shares son Hank IV, with Baskett.

Kendra sucked moth balls out of Hef’s mummy dick, so nobody’s ever accused of her being the best at making good decisions. But throwing a ring that is worth money down the toilet and flushing it has to be the dumbest thing she’s ever done. Hank spent $500 on a handjob, so Kendra’s going to need that ring to pawn off for some quick cash when he takes a second mortgage on the house to get a little 69 action from Ava Sabrina London. But I’m surprised Kendra still had her ring. I’m shocked that Hank didn’t steal Kendra’s ring and give it to Ava Sabrina London so she’d stick the tip in real quick. I was going to say “stick the tip in and wiggle” but that’ll cost him TWO diamond wedding rings at least.

And any trick who gets $500 for a handjob that her hook-up can give to himself for free is my hero and she’s living the dream.

Gremlin Baby Azealia Banks Is Trying To Convince Her Record Label That She’s Dead

June 19, 2014 / Posted by:

I know I know, technically that should say “Musty-mouthed syphilis-lipped ungly-ass gremlin baby”, but there wasn’t enough room. Part-time rapper and full-time messy disaster person Azealia Banks managed to pull herself away from her most recent Twitter fight for long enough to give an interview to Out Magazine and explain why it’s taking her as long to finish an album as Kendall Jenner trying to finish reading the first page of The Cat in the Hat.

2012′s most popular Azealia (not to be confused with the current title holder, Iggy Azalea) told Out that the reason it’s taking her forever to release something other than that Casiotone-sounding song from The Bling Ring trailer is because she hates her current label, Interscope, and she’s dragging her heels on purpose to spite them. Wow, difficult gremlin Azealia Banks is being a difficult gremlin on purpose? SHOCKING!

“I can’t talk about what I’ve been writing about because I’m just keeping stuff until I’m off this label. I can’t really risk them getting excited about me again. I kind of want them to think that I’m dead. I haven’t been leaking any songs that could potentially be hits. I haven’t been releasing anything that could potentially be phenomenal.”

Azealia doesn’t need to talk about what she’s been writing, because anyone with a wifi connection knows 99% of her writing is done on Twitter, 100% of which is the exact opposite of “phenomenal.” And the only potential hits Azealia has are the ones that come up after searching “Azealia Banks + hot mess” on Google.

And with a name like Banks, you’d think she knew a thing or two about how money works, but apparently not. How does she think she’s going to make any money if she’s holding all that bleep-bloop Nintendo music hostage from the people who keeps the lights on at her gremlin cave? Bitch needs a Suze Orman in her life.

Pic: Splash

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Selena Gomez And Justin Bieber Are Back Together: Take 4,669,904

June 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The other day, Justin Bieber Instagrammed (and later deleted) this picture of him looking like he’s getting burped by Selena Gomez and those of you who cared, guessed they were back together again, because she missed all the attention she gets when she’s with his ass and he missed her giving him a raspberry after changing his diaper.

I guess those junior high school messes are really back together again, because TMZ posted a riveting, 20-second-long video of Selena and Justin partying together at Bootsy Bellows on Monday night after spending the day in Malibu together. Selena apparently never left his side.

This Kids Inc. version of RiRi and Chris Brown…..

If this was an episode of Kids Inc., Martika would take Selena out to the basketball court set, sit her down on a bench and say to her, “Selena, I know you think you’re madly in love. You probably don’t care that he’s a jerk and is out there doing bad things, because you don’t think you can do any better. But you’re young and I need to tell you that once you start passing your pussy to other dudes, you’ll realize that the dick you thought was good, the dick you were dickmatized over, was actually shit and there’s better dick out there. These are the best years of your pussy’s life and don’t waste it on some chewed-off scab.” Then Fergie and that one whose name I always forget will come out and they’ll all sing a mash-up of He’s A Rebel/Not Tonight.

What I’m saying is that Selena really need a Martika in her life.

Khloe Kardashian And Shrek Montana Kept It Klassy By Posing With A Machine Gun

June 2, 2014 / Posted by:

No, you’re not looking at an EXCLUSIVE teaser for Shrek 5: Natural Born Ogres. It’s Pimp Mama Kris’s finest ho from the OK Face-division of Kris’s DisKreet Kall Girls, Khloe Kardashian, and Shrek’s asshole brother from another ogre mother French Montana. You know how I know this picture isn’t a promo for Shrek 5? It’s missing an annoying ass (no, not Kim; I was referring to Donkey).

Ever since shooting wrapped on the star-studded pre-divorce episode of KUWTK, the Kardashain family of ghouls have been starved for attention, so Pimp Mama Kris got to work finding ways to keep her rotten krotch droppings in the news. Unfortunately no one cared about the illiterate model one’s Vogue shoot, or Marla Hooch’s Instagram bikini shot (“Damn it Satan, I specifically said LESS face!”).

So PMK called up her backup kash kow Khloe and told her cancel Shrek Montana’s 3pm mouth breathing so they could get together and take a truly stupid picture. And so, Slow-e Kardashian posted this ~artsy~ picture of her chugging champagne and Swaggy Shrek cradling a machine gun on the set of his music video for “They Don’t Love You No More” to Instagram, and I would love to hear the conversation between Pimp Mama Kris and Satan over this one.

Satan: I don’t know…it doesn’t feel right.
PMK: Why? What’s wrong? My hooker looks beautiful! Post it!
Satan: Don’t you think that it’s an inappropriate message? Especially after that horrific shooting spree two weeks ago?
PMK: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was too busy selling off my finest rubber-faced whore to a wealthy rapper. Now post that picture, or I’ll see to it that The Sock One applies for your summer internship down here.

And in case you’ve forgotten what Khloe looks like without a gun pointed at her, here she is sashaying her Khloemeltoe through the airport on Saturday. My say something nice: it’s nice of Khloe to give her waist some time off.

Pics: Splash

In “The Opposite Of Shocking” News, Justin Bieber Caught Mouth Farting Out A Racist Joke When He Was 15

June 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night, The Sun posted of video for their paying customers of the corroded dingle clinging to Canada’s longest ass hair spewing out a dumb racist joke in front of a camera. This morning, TMZ also threw up the video and bragged that they’ve been sitting on it for 4 years, but since they’re the sheer definition of restraint, they didn’t post it, because that popped asshole wart was only 15 at the time and apparently told his friends he regretted telling that stupid ass joke. But thanks to The Sun, we can now watch the dried vomit nugget with a guinea pig combover dribble out a racial slur.

TMZ says that the clip below was shot when the Biebs was 15 during filming for his biopic documentary thing called Never Say Never (alternate title: So THIS Is What Happened To Rosemary’s Baby). Before the clip starts, the Biebs asks, “What’s the most confusing day for black people?” When the clips starts up, he says, “Father’s Day.” The Biebs mistakes the sound of crickets for the sound of non-stop laughter, so he decides to keep the laughs coming and tells another joke while a girl sitting next to him texts the words, “PLEASE KILL ME NOW,‘ to anybody who will listen. The Biebs asks, “Why are black people afraid of chainsaws?” and even though somebody in the room says, “Don’t say it,” he says, “Run-nigger-nigger-run...” A lady, who some say is his mom, pipes in after the punchline with, “You can say ‘motorcycle’ too.” So I guess Jesus hates abortions, but loves those racist jokes.

The Biebs hasn’t said shit about this yet, but it’s Sunday, so I’m sure he’s still sleeping off his sizzurp hangover while sucking on a pacifier in his crib. But Justin Bieber’s ex-bodyguard Kenny Hamilton, who’s black, said on Twitter that he is not a racist. The Beibs’ PR team shouldn’t even bother with a statement, because we all know it’s going to look something like this:

“I apologize to anyone who was offended by the video of me telling a distasteful joke when I was 15 years old. I was younger then, didn’t know any better and didn’t have a PR team to tell me not to say any racist jokes in front of a camera that’s recording. It was not my intention to hurt anyone. Some of my best friends are black. I am grown now and know not to say that word in front of a camera that’s recording. Besides, if I did say that word now, it’s okay, because I’ve been given a pass by the black community.”

And then that grown adult, will guzzle down the rest of the purple drank in his sippy cup, pull down his sagging leather culottes, take a dump in a barback’s bin, pull up his sagging leather culottes and jump on his Big Wheels to find a wall to graffiti on.

Because He Has Nothing Better To Do, Charlie Sheen Got Into A Twitter Fight With RiRi Today

May 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Charlie Sheen, society’s insane meth-smoking human bedbug, decided to celebrate going a week without chugging from the old bottle of Mr. Bubble under the sink by taking his porn star fiancé Brett Rossi out for a nice dinner at Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica Wednesday night. While there, Charlie and Brett noticed that Rihanna was also having dinner at Giorgio Baldi. According to Charlie (so take this with both a grain of salt and a shot of penicillin) he sent a request over to RiRi asking if he could introduce his fiancé, who happens to be a huge fan. RiRi replies by politely declining, saying there were too many paps and it wasn’t possible at that time.

This is fine by Charlie, since he claims that meeting RiRi “would have been 84 interminable seconds of chugging Draino and ”please kill me now” that I’d never get back” (whatever the hell that means) but not meeting RiRi made Brett Rossi a sad porno panda, so the second they got home he took to Twitter with a delicious bottle of Drano and gave RiRi a piece of his mind. Unless you have an hour to kill and a copy of Rosetta Stone Crackhead, don’t bother attempting to read Charlie’s next-level bonkers Twitter rant. Here are the highlights:

“Sorry we’re not KOOL enough to warrant a blessing from the Princess (or in this case the Village idiot)”

“See ya on the way down (we always do) and actually, it was a pleasure NOT meeting you”

“I’m guessing you needed those precious 84 seconds to situate that bad wig before you left the restaurant”

He also pulled out that classic joke about Halloween not being for another couple of months (good one, Dad) and reminded her that the reason he’s been around for 31 years is because he always makes time to meet with people. Really? It’s not because cockroaches are notoriously difficult to get rid of?

But because RiRi’s brain was replaced with a half-smoked joint floating in a puddle of stripper booty sweat a long time ago, she decided to fan the crackpipe fires by Photoshopping a pic of her signing an autograph for Charlie Sheen and using it as the background image for her Twitter account (#girlyouneedtogetalife) and tweeting the following:

“That old queen?” Sounds like someone follows Alec Baldwin on Twitter. I’m surprised she didn’t follow that up with a tweet calling him a rude thoughtless little pig (it’s not too late RiRi!)

Macklemore Is Really Sorry If This Costume Offended You

May 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Over the weekend, Fraggle Rock’s #1 rapper and Phil and Lil’s long-lost triplet from Rugrats wore that messy costume to a show at the EMP Museum in Seattle and as Mel Gibson gave him a “well played” slow clap, many people, including Seth Rogen, squatted and shat on him for doing himself up as a Jewish caricature to rap out a song about saving money. Shortly after Macklewhore got hate for his anti-Semitic drag act, he tweeted that it was just a random costume, and last night he wet farted out a long explanation where he said that it wasn’t his intention to make fun of Jews and he just wanted to wear a stupid disguise. Macklewhore wasn’t trying to clown on Jews, he just doesn’t know what Jewish caricatures look like. While his high school history teacher was teaching the class about Nazi caricatures, he was busy staring at the puddle of drool that dripped out of the side his mouth onto his desk. That’s all.

Macklemore started his statement by saying that he wanted to show up to the EMP Museum show in a disguise and so he put one together using a random wig and a huge nose he bought at a costume shop. When Macklemore looked in the mirror, he saw Ringo Starr and Abe Lincoln (???) and nobody told him this wasn’t a good idea.

As it turns out the fake noses they sell at the costume store are usually big (my nose didn’t fit most of them). So I ended up with a big witch nose. I went with a black beard, because that’s the furthest color from my natural hair. Disguise was the intention. I personally thought I looked very ambiguous in terms of any “type” of person. Some people there thought I looked like Ringo, some Abe Lincoln. If anything I thought I looked like Humpty Hump with a bowl cut.

We showed up to the event, I hit the stage in the outfit, rocked two songs, took pictures and went home. We had a great time and it was fun to be a surprise guest in a costume. I’ve always loved dressing up and have been doing so my entire career. The character I dressed up as on Friday had no intended cultural identity or background. I wasn’t attempting to mimic any culture, nor resemble one. A “Jewish stereotype” never crossed my mind.

Now that he mentions it, he kind of does look like Humpy Hump with a bowl cut and that’s the closest he’s ever come to being hip hop. But seriously, Macklemore went on to explain this mess some more and it sounds like he’s more concerned with ruining his G-rated image as your second grader’s favorite rapper.

My intention was to dress up and surprise the people at the show with a random costume and nothing more. Thus, it was surprising and disappointing that the images of a disguise were sensationalized leading to the immediate assertion that my costume was anti-Semetic. I acknowledge how the costume could, within a context of stereotyping, be ascribed to a Jewish caricature. I am here to say that it was absolutely not my intention, and unfortunately at the time I did not foresee the costume to be viewed in such regard. I’m saddened that this story, or any of my choices, would lead to any form of negativity.

I will let my body of work and the causes for which I’ve supported speak for themselves. I hope that anyone who may question my intent take a few moments to discover the human and artist that I strive to be. I respect all cultures and all people. I would never intentionally put down anybody for the fabric that makes them who they are. I love human beings, love originality, and… happen to love a weird outfit from time to time.

I truly apologize to anybody that I may have offended. I hope this better explains the situation and my point of view.

Anna from The Slog went to the costume shop in Seattle where Macklewhore bought that random “witch nose.” He didn’t buy a “witch nose,” he bought a “Sheik/Fagin” nose. EXPOSE that whore! But whatever, this is a non-troversy. When Macklemore was in the 3rd grade, he thought he was Jewish, so it’s okay.

Pic: Splash

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Reeting Iz HaRd 2 Du: The Kendall Jenner Edition

May 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kris‘ homeskool kurrikulum for her future moneymakers Kendull and that other one includes 30 minutes of math (read: studying the net worth of all NBA players, NFL players and rappers), 20 minutes of science (read: a hot Botox injection to the face and pits, because sweating is gross and only fats do it), 30 minutes of P.E. (read: learning her angles for her fame whore final aka a sex tape), 25 minutes of photography (read: taking selfies in the bathroom), 20 minutes of history (read: studying Kim Kardashian’s selfies and sex tape) and 3 hours of home ec (read: shopping). So because Kendumb Jenner’s homeskool schedule is more jam-packed than Kim’s kooch in the Staples locker room after a Lakers game, she doesn’t have time to learn stupid stuff like reading and writing. Reading and writing is for poor uglies! That’s why during the Billboard Music Awards last night, Kendumb had no idea what that shit on the screen in front of her was. While presenting the band of Australian twinks in Topman clothes known as (or “not known as” since I have no idea who the hell they are) 5 Seconds of Summer, Kendall spit out a tossed word salad and admitted that she no kunt reed 2 gud:

“They made their debut on the Billboard 200 number 2 this summah and now welcome One…. Guys, I’m the worst reader. They’re only getting bigger! Take a look!”

The Billboard producers are to blame for this, because they were wrong by expecting a Kardashian to know how to read words. They should’ve spelled it out with emojis. Kendall blamed it on her kontacts:

kendumbkontacts

I was going to say that she also left her brain at home, but she doesn’t have one of those anymore. Pimp Mama Kris had it lipoed out of her head years ago, because PMK felt it made her head look fat.

Pics: Wenn.com

Lady Gaga Thinks Katy Perry Is Ripping Her Off

May 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Talk about the pot of plagiarism calling the copycat kettle black. After Katy Perry kicked off her Prismatic World Tour in Belfast, Ireland on Wednesday night, the general consensus from most people who saw the pictures from her first show was ‘California Guuurl you need to burn those peace sign bike shorts”. But not Lady Gaag. The Canal St. Madonna thought the picture of Katy Perry riding in on a human-operated horse costume looked a little too much like the time she rode a human-operated horse costume, so she went running to Twitter to hiss out this piece of passive-aggressive shade:

Screen Shot 2014-05-10 at 3.39.07 PM

Then Lady Gaag bitchily slammed her locker shut and added: “Like, why is she so obsessed with me? Hashtag so over it.”

Lady Gaag didn’t invent dying your hair snot green and she sure as hell didn’t invent riding human-operated mechanical animals (War Horse would like you to have several seats) but Katy Perry might have ripped off Gaag’s paint barfing thing. I know, I cannot believe for a second I’m defending this tacky chump, but here we are. My apologies to everyone in Hell who had to throw on a winter coat. According to Buzzfeed, part of her Prismatic show involves a pre-recorded video of Katy Perry sticking her finger into her mouth and spitting up paint. Green paint. Kind of like the time professional paint-barf artist Millie Brown puked up green paint on Lady Gaga.

Maybe it’s just a coincidence that two boring try-hards are starting to run out of ideas? I don’t know. But I do know how we could solve this mess. After being asked by Byrd to step forward, Lady Gaga would enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin claiming that Katy Perry blatantly stole her paint barfing stunt. Katy Perry would enter claiming she had no previous knowledge and that she was counter-suing for slander. Then Judge Judy would walk in rolling her eyes, call them both idiots, throw out the case, and go back to her chambers to finish starching her lace collars.

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