The last time we checked in on 50 Cent’s money situation, a judge was calling bullshit on his allegedly broke ass by ordering him to whip out his checkbook and hand over $7 million to the woman whose sex tape he posted online without her consent. Then 50’s lawyer sort of shrugged and was like “Well, he declared he’s bankrupt, so…good luck with that.” Even 50 kept the charade going by pretending to be poor on social media.
Unfortunately, it looks like redirecting the entirety of his mental capacity from pretending to be poor to dragging Vivica Fox might have hit the reset button on his brain, because yesterday he threw up a picture and a video of the inside of his fridge filled with stacks of money to Instagram. Which, you know, is always a good move when you’re trying to convince people that you’re bankrupt.
50 Cent is shady as hell, so who knows if that’s even his money. Or his fridge, for that matter! I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time 50 Cent took us on a home tour and passed other people’s shit off as his own.
I know I’m supposed to be focusing on the bonkers fact that 50 Cent stores wads of cash in his fridge, but I’ll be totally honest: I’m having a hard time concentrating on the money because I keep getting distracted by those Kraft Singles. If 50 was really as rich as he wants us to believe, that fridge would be filled with packages of Kraft Deli Deluxe. Nothing says “I’m truly rich, bitch” like the ~fanciest~ of processed cheese slices.
E! News pretty much shot a million more holes into Brooks Ayers’ “I swear I’ve got cancer” claims yesterday when they posted proof that he faked his chemotherapy bills and got a rep from City of Hope to confirm that they’ve never treated the slimy douche dingle from the Real Housewives of Orange County. Brooks told E! News last week that he does have cancer and he showed them chemotherapy bills from City of Hope as proof. But after getting called out, Brooks admitted to E! that the chemotherapy bills he showed them were as real as whatever the hell Vicki Gunvalson put in her face.
Apple should really do a workshop at their stores that teaches cheating slut tramp whores how to unsync their phone number from the family iPad so the adventures of their roving fuck parts (and the fuck parts of their side ho) won’t be exposed.
Shortly after Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced that they slipped a toe tag on their dead 13-year marriage, Radar burped up a story about how she fired the nanny, who is female, because she thought that the nanny may have been taking care of her husband’s dick too. Now UsWeekly is saying that Gavin did go where Jude Law, Ben Affleck and Ethan Hawke have gone before: the nanny’s poon.
Seen above looking like an overused old tampon, Justin Bieber is doing the rounds to promote his new album and while talking to Billboard, the topic of his rolled-up Canadian crotch pancake came up again. Because you want to know, the Biebs said he was only joking when he claimed shrinkage and his peen in that picture is as big as it gets. The Biebs was also asked for his thoughts about what Bette Middler said. When Justin Bieber’s bootleg KFed of a daddy patted his son’s dick all proud-like in a tweet, Bette Midler tweeted this:
.@justinbieber dad tweeted he's proud of his son's penis size. I think the biggest dick in this situation is the dad who abandoned his son.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) October 10, 2015
That little ass lube bubble had the AUDACITY to pull a “Harpo, who dis woman?” on the legendary Divine Miss M who has more talent and star power in one of her shit nuggets than he has in his entire being!
“This Britt Meddler,” says Justin, unintentionally mangling the stage-and-screen legend’s name. “I don’t even know who that is, honestly. I wanted to immediately say ‘Who is this lady?’, but then I’m just fueling this negativity. I do feel the photo was an invasion of my privacy. I felt super violated. My dad made light of it, but I don’t think that’s sick and twisted. It was funny. Dads are going to be dads.”
I see what Jackson Bibear is doing by wondering who “Britt Meddler” is. I didn’t know he had that kind of shade in him. I’m mildly impressed. But you know, America can use his fake ignorance to finally deport him for good. See, when non-citizens go through immigration in the US, they’re asked the usual questions, but they’re also asked what their favorite Bette Midler movie is. If their facial expression becomes one giant question mark after hearing the name Bette Middler, they’re banned forever and are dragged away by officers who put them on a plane going back to their country. We can totally deport the Biebs using the Bette Midler Law! (Just go with me on this.)
And here’s Bette Midler as a trash heap bull, or something, at her annual Hulaween party last weekend.
Fresh off of his “joke” about how he’s definitely drinking Donald Trump’s Kool-Aid, Anthony Mackie is back to give us more drops of wisdom from his mind. While promoting Our Brand Is Crisis (aka The Lady From The Blind Side Goes To Bolivia), Anthony did an interview with The Daily Beast where he said that democracy isn’t for every country and some people just need a dictator. Um, how Anthony Mackie hasn’t been added to the cast of The View is beyond me! Anthony didn’t stop there. He gave his thoughts about who should direct the Black Panther movie.
In case you’re not a Marvel nerd, Black Panther is a superhero who used to be the king of a fictional African nation. Chadwick Boseman is playing the title role in the Black Panther movie and Ava DuVernay, the director of Selma, was rumored to be in talks to direct it. She denied that shit and said she isn’t going to direct it. Anthony, who plays The Falcon in the Marvel movies and begged to be Black Panther, tells The Daily Beast that he doesn’t think the movie necessarily needs a black director. And then he gave an analogy that truly made me laugh out loud:
“I don’t think it’s important at all. As a director your job is to tell a story. You know, they didn’t get a horse to direct Seabiscuit! The thing is I don’t think the race of the director has to do with their ability to tell a story. I think it’s all about the director’s ability to be able to relate to that story and do it justice. I think men can direct women, and two of my greatest work experiences were with female directors. So I think it all depends. May the best man—or woman—win.”
I laughed, but Anthony did make me think. I mean, Seabiscuit should’ve been directed by a horse. Damn us humans for taking jobs away from horses! I thought Seabiscuit was awful, but I’m sure I would’ve loved it if a horse directed it. If anything, I would’ve loved the behind-the-scenes footage showing Martin Horsese directing Tobey Maguire. Thank you, Anthony Mackie, for giving me this image.
And now that Anthony mentions it, the Black Panther movie should be directed by an actual panther.
GOOP is at it again. Dr. Goopy Paltrow recently got a whole lot of shit thrown at her when she claimed on Instagram that sitting in a hot sauna will flush the flu out. Some medical experts said that while sitting in a sauna may help you flush out the insufferableness that fills your system when you read Goop, it’ll probably make your flu worse. Goopy got even more shit thrown at her again when Goop queefed out a cloud of cold steam in the form of a post about how wearing an underwire bra can lead to cancer.
Justin Bieber is currently terrorizing Melbourne, which really makes no sense to me. How did he get into Australia so easily? Johnny Depp’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, are forcibly deported, but yet Justin Beiber is allowed in without being quarantined? Justin Bieber is more of a threat against the people of Australia than two foreign Yorkies are!
Matt Damon already shat up his eyeroll-inducing thoughts on racial diversity in Hollywood, and now he’s back to shit up his thoughts about how actors should keep their sexuality and private lives to themselves. Matt Damon definitely practices what he preaches, because he has always been an enigma wrapped in seven layers of mystery. His rep has NEVER issued statements about his private life and he’s NEVER brought his wife or husband to an event. We know nothing about Matt Damon’s life!
Chris Brown continued to make wonderful decisions by getting a gigantic tattoo on his head. Well, at least he’s abusing his own head instead of someone else’s. So there’s that. Chris threw up evidence of his new work of art on Instagram, but quickly snatched it down. But by the time he yanked it down, it had already been saved and passed around.
Complex says Chris’ head tattoo is supposed to be Venus de Milo and it sort of looks like Venus de Milo as seen through the eyes of that amazing court room artiste who captured Tom Brady as his true self. That tattoo looks more like a nauseous Lena Dunham with a plastic bag covering her hair. But seriously, after looking at it up close, I love it!
Just like Justin Bieber’s Sassy Jesus tattoo, Chris’ Venus de Side-Eye tattoo is judging him for all of his bad decisions so we don’t have to. It’s the greatest thing he’s ever done!
Kelly Osbourne Wants Donald Trump To Ask Himself: “If We Kick Out All The Latinos, Who Is Going To Clean My Toilet?”
Giuliana Rancic doesn’t have to worry about doing an hour on the treadmill today, because she probably burned hundreds of calories from cackling over Twitter calling Kelly Osbourne a privileged racist today.
I guess whoever wrote Giuliana’s joke about dreads is now writing Kelly Osbourne’s note cards. Kelly was a guest c0-host on The View today and once again the topic of Donald Trump’s shitty comments about Mexican immigrants came up. Kelly started by saying that Donald’s comments were racist and then she dribbled out a stream of messiness that made everyone hit the brakes and say, “Wha?!”