Category: Dumbasses

So About That “What The…?” Ending Of The Jinx

March 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Just hours after Robert Durst was arrested in New Orleans for the 15-year-old murder of his friend Susan Berman, the final episode of HBO’s The Jinx aired and in it, the Maenad shark showed criminals what not to do if they’ve already gotten away with a whole bunch of evil shit and want to continue to get away with it. Don’t be an attention whore and open your evil self up to a documentary.

In the finale, the documentary’s director and producer Andrew Jarecki interviewed Robert Durst and confronted him about a new piece of evidence against his ass in the case of Susan Berman’s murder. After Susan Berman was murdered in her home execution-style, someone anonymously sent the police a note with her address and the word “cadaver” on it. The fucker who sent the letter spelled “Beverly” as “Beverley.” While researching Robert Durst and Susan Berman’s murder, the filmmakers of The Jinx found a letter he mailed to her and on the envelope, “Beverly” was spelled “Beverley.” The filmmakers got a forensic document analyzer to look at both notes. The expert declared that yup, the handwriting came from the same trick. When Andrew showed the evidence to Robert Durst, he admitted that the handwriting looked the same and he couldn’t point out which was written by him. It’s impossible to know what Robert Durst is thinking since his demon shark eyes are emotionless and dead, but if you could, you’d clearly see him thinking to himself, “OH SHIT!”

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I See Someone Has Been Taking Notes From Beyonce’s Photoshop Expert Again

March 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, at least it’s not as bad as the last time Lindsay Lohan tried to Photoshop her ass, I guess.

Since Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed and doing not much of anything besides kissing Kardashian family ass, you’d think she would use some of that free time to sit her freckled ass down and learn how to Photoshop. But you’d be wrong, because unless Photoshop starts paying her bills, she isn’t going to waste a single second on that shit. And that’s how busted pictures like this are born!

The Apricot Ashtray is still in Paris teaching French rats how to cook, Ratatouille-style, and claiming it as community service hours (NO – she’s there for fashion week), and last night she posted the above picture to Instagram of herself looking like Dancing Pumpkin Guy’s rode hard put away extra thirsty second cousin in a room at the Plaza Athénée, and unless the Plaza Athénée is a carnival-themed hotel and she’s staying in the Fun House Suite, something is very wrong with the ass end of her body. Either she tried to make her ass bigger by pulling it out or tried to shrink her waist and thighs. But I think no matter what she did, we can all agree that it’s a damn mess.

Then again, years of partying, fame whoring, and dollar store spray tans might have done long-term damage to her brain, so maybe this image is actually an accurate representation of what LiLo sees. “Hey, something’s wrong with the door frame – why isn’t it all squiggly?

Pic: Instagram

So, I Guess North West Wasn’t A Fan Of The Alexander Wang Show Either

February 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Cathy Horyn of The New York Times, who? North West is the only fashion critic we need. On Thursday, North West made it perfectly clear that Kanye West’s collection for Adidas is an 80s aerobics fugly nightmare when she screamed during the show and demanded to be led far, far away from those nasty rags. North West pretty much gave Alexander Wang’s Fall/Winter 2015 collection the same review. You’d bawl too if a model came stomping toward you in those 90s gothic shit brick shoes.

The Illuminati’s parents of the year, Kim Kartrashian and Kuntye West, once again dragged their little, living fashion accessory to the last place she wants to be: a New York Fashion Week show. Why won’t those dumb fucks let North West live her life? I know as much about babies as I do about proper sentence structure, but I’m pretty sure listening to ear drum-busting music while watching The Grudge-looking ass models with constipation face is not their idea of a good time. Babies like to drool on their stuffed animals while watching mindless cartoons. They’re like stoners that way.

Pimp Mama Kris must be so disappointed in Kim. PMK taught Kim everything she knows about the pimp game and that hallowed-out mannequin of dumb made a rookie mistake. Doesn’t Kim know that you’re supposed to sell your child’s soul five seconds after they’re born so that they become vain and shallow inside and won’t act up when you parade them in front of the cameras? PMK is so ashamed! But I hope North West keeps rebelling against those messes, because we really need a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all from her in 20 years titled Pimpie Dearest.

Pics: Getty, Splash

Conrad Hilton Arrested For Allegedly Throwing A Douche Fit On A Plane

February 3, 2015 / Posted by:

20-year-old Conrad Hilton achieved the impossible. He has made his sister Parasite Hilton and his brother Barron Hilton (aka the one who crime boss Lindsay Lohan ordered a beat down on) look like reasonable and humble citizens of humanity who actually care about others. When someone achieves that, we as members of humanity should be able to band together and strap that asshole to a rocket headed to another planet. Actually, we wouldn’t want to do that, because then the aliens of that planet would declare war on us for sending them a Hilton.

TMZ says that last July, Conrad gave the passengers on a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles a real spoiled brat show when he went crazy and mouth shat up corroded dingles of delusion at the flight attendants. Witnesses tell TMZ that Conrad punched the bulkhead of the plane, just inches from a flight attendant’s head, and yelled out some shit that King Joffrey would yell out if he was a modern day trust fund ass tampon. Conrad allegedly screamed these words at the flight attendants.

- “If you wanna square up to me bro, then bring it and I will fucking fight you.”
– “I am going to fucking kill you.”
– “I will fucking rip through you.”
– “I will fucking own anyone on this flight; they are fucking peasants.”

Surprisingly, the peasants didn’t declare the plane a democracy and vote to kick Conrad off. But if they did that, he would’ve just floated safely to the ground since his head is full of hot air. A witness also says that at one point Conrad grabbed a flight attendant’s shirt and screamed, “I could get you all fired in 5 minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out. He has done it before. Dad paid $300k last time.” Children were apparently crying. People also smelled weed coming from the bathroom and blamed it on Conrad.

When Conrad’s douche reign of terror finally ended and he fell asleep, they handcuffed him to his seat.

I don’t know why we’re just hearing about it now, but he was eventually arrested and now Robert Shapiro (yes, that Robert Shapiro) is representing him. Shapiro argues that Conrad took a sleeping pill before the flight and it had “adverse effects” on him. Yeah, nice try, but Ambien and the good shit aren’t to blame. Conrad was just naturally born with the a-hole gene. He’s a Hilton. But seriously, I’m actually surprised that the flight attendants didn’t get on their knees and beg for their jobs, because nothing says big, bad powerful man like threatening to tell daddy.

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Lindsay Lohan Thinks She Can Get 15 Days Worth Of Community Service Completed By Wednesday

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

And I’m sure if you were to ask her how many days 15 is, she’d throw up the same number of fingers as above and go “I dunno, this many? Who cares. What is this, the SATs? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Dina this many boxes of wine so she can take this many naps.

So, tomorrow is January 28th. For most of us, January 28th is just a regular Wednesday. But for Lindsay Lohan, January 28th is the day she’s supposed to have all her delinquent community service hours completed. And surprise sur-fucking-prise, she’s been too busy partying and poorly Photoshopping half-naked selfies to get them done. However, that won’t stop her from trying! According to TMZ, Lindsay went to the Community Service Volunteers in London on Friday and Saturday to finish the 15 days worth of community service hours she couldn’t complete over the holidays because she was “sick” with that Chikungunya virus. They say her plan was to go again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but in classic LiLo fashion, LiLo said fuck it, and went to couture week in Paris instead.

According to Page Six, Lindsay spend Saturday night at a club called Le Titty Twister and didn’t leave till 5am. Then she spent Sunday at a Saint Laurent fashion show. No word on what she did yesterday and today, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess “not community service”. But don’t count the Apricot Ashtray out yet! TMZ says Lindsay is confident she can get all her community service done by tomorrow. Tomorrow. She thinks she can get it all done by tomorrow. Oh my god, drugs and booze have melted her brain worse than we thought.

Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I feel like she should be honest when she strolls into court tomorrow and tell the judge she was at a club in Paris. Technically, she was performing a type of community service; I can’t think of a better way to discourage excessive partying than being approached at a club at 5am by 28-year-old woman who looks like a 48-year-old mop asking to bum a couple smokes in exchange for a Teen Choice Award.

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And Here’s Naya Rivera’s Thoughts On The Showering Habits Of Different Races

January 13, 2015 / Posted by:

Kim Kartrashian klone Naya Rivera filled in for Whoopi Goldberg on The View today, and I guess she figured that since Whoopi wasn’t there someone had to dribble out a stream of nonsense.

The pecking hens on The View covered Buzzfeed’s piece about how us Americans bathe our asses too much and showering in hot water daily can dry out your skin and wash away good bacteria. Two dermatologists said that depending on weather and what you do with your body all day, you really just need to shower every two or three days. The dermatologists also said that if some of your parts get moist, juicy and stank, you can wipe them down with a wet towel. Nicolle Wallace said that she takes a shower three times a day. To which Naya Rivera said that she showers three times a week and then she shat up a theory about showering. When Naya Rivera says she has a theory, that’s your eye rolling muscle’s cue to stretch and get ready to roll.

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Selena Gomez’s Ankle Flash Causes A SCANDAL In Abu Dhabi

January 2, 2015 / Posted by:

فضيحة ALERT! (Note: Google Translate says that “فضيحة” is Arabic for “ESCANDALO,” so if you’re fluent in Arabic and that’s just a bunch of nonsensical gibberish, blame that permanently drunk bitch Google Translate.)

A bunch of young American attention whore messes including Selena Gomez, Kendull Jenner, Gigi Hadid, her twink boyfriend Cody Simpson and Shay Mitchell spent the New Year’s holiday in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, because Pimp Mama Kris probably leased their asses out to some billionaire sheiks. Selena, Kendull and Gigi have been splattering pictures of their vacation on Instagram and two of those pictures caused a little scandal. When those messes visited the Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi earlier this week, they broke the rules of the house by acting the fool, and Selena really rebelled out by flashing her ankle while posing with her friend Eli Mizrahi. The picture was later deleted, but nothing truly dies on the Internet. Selena got a lot of hate for her stupid ass stunt and TMZ says officials from the mosque are upset, because Selena disrespected their place of worship and broke the rules by posing sexy and showing her lady ankle. The others also showed disrespect by laughing and smiling when mosque rules state that you can’t laugh or smile.

moronsinthemiddleast

They must be punished. JAIL THEM FOREVER!

Selena hasn’t said anything about this, but I doubt she’s going to. She knew what she was doing. She learned from RiRi. She knew that if she flashed her skin in a mosque and posted that picture on Instagram, a million blogs would write about it and she’d get all the attention. I fell for her trap! But really, if you’re not into following the rules of a mosque, just stay your ass outside. That’s why I haven’t been to a church mass in centuries. I have a feeling they’d frown upon me browsing the “amateur gay facial” tag on Pornhub on my iPhone during the Liturgy of the Eucharist. I know, they’re so weird.

Nobody should be surprised about this, though. Selena Gomez repeatedly fucked Justin Bieber, so she pretty much has her masters and PhD in bad decision-making.

Pic: Instagram

Santa Claus Brought Justin Bieber A Private Jet This Year

December 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Speaking of Usher’s dick

On Christmas morning, Justin Bieber, who is looking more and more like a meth pimple on Aaron Carter’s cheek, ran into his bodyguard’s bedroom, jumped on the bed and shrieked about how Santa came. Like all of the adults in the Biebs’ life, his bodyguard is contractually obligated to not tell him the truth about Santey Claus, because that would hurt that little shit head’s heart. Once he finished opening up all the presents his people bought with his money, he opened up a very special present: a key to his own private jet! That is so much better than the Disney Dusty Plane rider he got last year for Christmas.

Today, the oozing herp sore on humanity’s asshole farted up two pictures on Instagram of a private jet. Justin Bieber claims he bought that shit for Christmas:

“New jet for Christmas. And she’s beautiful.”

TMZ thinks that the Biebs’ new toy is a G6, which costs around $60 million. The Biebs’ net worth is supposedly $200 million. TMZ also thinks that he could’ve gone in on a part-ownership kind of deal and is sharing it with other rich hos.

Here’s another shot of the inside of Douche Air:

jnprivatejetjb2014

Anybody who watched the television masterpiece that was Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story knows how this story will probably end. We’ll see the picture of his opulent private jet again in ten years on an episode of Oprah’s Where Are They Now? when he points to it while talking about the glory days as he gives a tour of the Florida motel room he moved into after he wasted all his money away.

Pics: Instagram

Kanye West Reportedly Spent $74,000 On Christmas Presents For North West

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Meanwhile, at the PIMP Kompound (it’s where Kim Kardashian likes to store her in between Pretty Mommy photo ops) North West is interrogating 2 of her 10 nannies as to who is this strange man named Kanye West who would spend $74,000 on her. “He’s who? My dad? Get out! Really? I have a mom AND a dad? I wonder when I’ll get to see them?

According to Heat magazine (via Radar), Kim’s current husband Kanye Kardashian has spend $74,000 on Christmas gifts for their 18-month-old daughter North. Yes, seventy-four thousands of dollars. For a baby. Just one more reminder that we live on a garbage planet filled with garbage people. Kanye reportedly bought her a $62,000 diamond tiara and a $12,000 baby-sized car, both very practical gifts for a child who no doubt spends her days mashing soggy Goldfish crackers into the rug and trying to figure out what sound the cow makes. Apparently, Kanye got North an expensive-ass diamond tiara so that when she played dress-up, she could be a real princess, and he got her the car because it’s an exact replica of his. As if she would even know – the only car North has been in is the one she rides in every two weeks that takes her to and from pap appointments with her mom.

Obviously letting a baby play with $62,000 worth of diamonds is a next-level dumb idea, but I can’t throw any side-eye to that $12,000 baby-sized car. When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than a red Power Wheels Jeep, and I would have sold my entire collection of footless Barbies to get one (I chewed all the feet off my Barbies, which probably says a lot about me than I care to know). So yeah, am I jealous that North West got a baby car that’s more expensive than my adult car? Absolutely. The only thing better than a grown-up car is a battery-powered car you can ride through the house.

“GawD Puhneshed Mee Bi Mehking Mi FAT”

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Just like many women do, botox-brained certified moron Kim Kartrashian gained some chunk while knocked up with her latest fashion accessory. But unlike most women, Kummy Kakes thinks that Godl tested her by drowning her hotness in fat. In Elle UK’s annual Adobe Appreciation Issue Confidence Issue, Kim injected a whole lot of confidence into every pregnant woman by saying that the weight she gained wasn’t a natural biological reaction to being fetus’d up. It was the lord above teaching her a lesson. Kim dribbled this out:

“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body. I’d be sitting there, nearly 200lbs, crying and swearing this will never happen again, and sometimes I’d actually be laughing about it.”

Kim went on to say that while God might hate her, God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna and the other deities must really, really hate Rob, because have you seen him?

If Kim had a sense of humor, the fillers she injects into her face ate it a long time ago, so I don’t think she’s joking. This is what happens when you have Kanye in your ear.

If there is a God and they care about Kim for some reason, they wouldn’t punish her by putting pregnancy weight on her body. They’d punish her by making her Google loon balloon ass smaller, because then what would she oil up and stick out on the cover of Paper? If anything Kim and her family of soul suckers are God’s punishment against humanity for making fame whores more famous. And here I am kontributing to it. I will try to make it up to the gods above by reciting the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song 100 times. (The GG theme song is my answer to Hail Mary.)

Here’s some pictures of Kim taking her rubber spatula face for a walk in NYC.

Pics: Splash

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