Category: Dumbasses

Michael Phelps Earns His Second Gold Medal In Dumbassery (UPDATE)

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I know that celebrity deaths supposedly comes in threes, but do celeb whore DUIs really need to come in threes too? Two days after Amanda Bynes got put into handcuffs for driving while allegedly high on Adderall, the Geico caveman with a buzzcut known as Michael Phelps was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Baltimore, Maryland this morning. Bitch swims like a fish and drinks like a fish. Moron should’ve swam home! Something tells me that Debbie Phelps is not having a Chico’s kind of day today. Michael Phelps is to blame and he should be jailed for life for that.

The Baltimore Sun says that Michael Phelps’ white Range Rover was pulled over at around 1:40am on Interstate-395 after he was clocked by an officer’s radar going 84mph in a 45mph zone. The officer checked Michael Phelps’ speed while his dumb ass was going through a tunnel. During the stop, the officer noticed that the Cro-Magnon dolphin seemed drunk. In Michael Phelps’ defense, he always has that dead-eyed derp look about him. But Michael was plastered and according to the cop, he failed a series of standard field sobriety tests. He was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speed, and crossing double lane lines. He was later released.

This is Michael Phelps’ second DUI. In 2004, he got caught drunk driving and later pleaded guilty in exchange for 18 months probation.

Well, the good news is that Animal Planet’s eventual biopic of the Olympian dolphin starring Adam Driver just got juicier.

TMZ asked Michael Phelps’ fellow Team USA teammate Ryan Lochte about this mess and he dribbled this out:

“I’m not concerned … he just makes dumb decisions. He has so much money to get a driver. I even have a driver. Just stinks for the sport of swimming. But he will become smarter from this. Luckily he did not hurt himself or someone else.”

When Ryan Lochte, whose head is filled with nothing but chlorine water and Cool Water fumes, comes off as the voice of reason and calls you out for making dumb decisions, then it’s time to swim off to a corner of the pool to get it together.

UPDATE: Michael Phelps is sowwy.

“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding, and crossing double lane lines. I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”

Pic: AP

The Situation Is Facing Time In The Clink For Tax Fraud

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Before we get into the latest stupid, dumb shit done by the pus-filled wart clinging to the Jersey Shore’s right ass lip, I have a very important question to ask. Is it just me or does that lady in the black’s right arm look like a big, cut dick thanks to her bra strap falling? I soooo would.

Juicy Joe from The Real Grifters Of New Jersey better save the top bunk in his cell for a fellow reality show skid mark, because The Situation has been indicted on two counts of filing false returns and one count of conspiracy. We already knew this, but The Situation has the brains of a broken duck phone, because he allegedly filed false tax returns from 2010-2012. The IRS says he pulled in $8.9 million during those years. NJ.com says that The Situation and his brother Marc (not the one he beat up in the family tanning salon) are accused of failing to pay taxes on money made by two companies they own. The prolapsed urethra and his brother allegedly fixed their returns to make it look like they didn’t owe the IRS any more money and they wrote off fancy cars and clothes as business expenses. The Situation didn’t file a return in 2011 and he apparently made $1.95 million that year. The U.S. Attorney in NJ released this statement:

“Michael and Marc Sorrentino filed false tax returns that incorrectly reported millions made from promotions and appearances. The brothers allegedly also claimed costly clothes and cars as business expenses and funneled company money into personal accounts. The law is absolutely clear: telling the truth to the IRS is not optional.”

The Shituation and his brother turned themselves in to authorities this afternoon and were released on $250,000 bail. His lawyers claim they’re not guilty. They will be arraigned on October 6th. If prosecutors go for the maximum punishment and he’s convicted, The Situation could get up to ten years in the chokey and get hit with $850,000 in fines. I was going to ask what the prison equivalent of GTL is, but I’m pretty sure it’s still GTL since every New Jersey prison cell is equipped with a tanning bed.

Besides the obvious, two other heinous crimes have been committed here:

1. That AXE-scented ass burp made $8.9 million in three years!

2. The year is 2014 and I’m writing about The Situation. Indict me for that shit.

Here’s The Situation leaving the federal court house in Newark today, if you care:

Pic: Splash

FINALLY, Clay Aiken’s Thoughts On The Fappening

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

We can finally close the chapter on The Fappening now that we have future North Carolina Congessman Clay Aiken’s thoughts on it. Clay did an interview with The Washington Post (via HuffPo) about his campaign and they asked him what he thinks about Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence and dozens of other celebrities finding their naked pictures spread all over the Internet after they got hacked. Jennifer Lawrence won’t be getting a sympathy bouquet of carnations and balloons from Clay Aiken anytime soon, because he thinks that she and all of the other celebrities who took pictures of their nipples and coochies got exactly what they deserve.

“Anybody who takes inappropriate pictures of themselves deserves exactly what they get.”

Clay probably said that with confidence, because he just finished up yanking every pictures of his peen and spread ass cheeks off of THE CLOUD.

Clay’s definition of “inappropriate” is totally different than mine. Pictures of tits, ass and chocha aren’t “inappropriate” to me. I mean, it’s just tits, ass and chocha. Now that picture of Clay Aiken in full Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream drag is highly inappropriate to me. It still haunts my nightmares.

Since taking pictures of your half-naked body is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE to Clay, I’m guessing he didn’t feel any sympathy for himself when a trick he allegedly tried to hook up with on the Internet sold their conversation and webcam shots of him to The National Enquirer. (Clay has always denied that this is his ass.)

clayaikenwebcam2014

Clay also told The Washington Times that the hackers deserve to be hogtied and then he swerved back into the political lane since he’s a serious politician now.

“Of course whoever [stole and released the photos] should be hogtied. And it’s unfortunate that we don’t have Internet security right now or the laws in place to protect people from pirating that stuff.”

I know what Clay is really trying to do here. When Clay opens up his email every single morning, the first thing he sees is a picture of a 40-something Claymate with her mom jeans and cotton granny panties pulled down to her knees and on her crotch is a bushy patch of pubes with his initials shaved into them. This is his way of telling them to stop.

CeeLo Green Wet Farted Up Another Non-Apology After His Show On TBS Got Canceled

September 3, 2014 / Posted by:

One snot bubble of a non-apology wasn’t enough for CeeLo Green, so he snorted out a second snot bubble of a non-apology.

The chunky Ghoulie found himself neck deep in a whole lot of cold shit the other day when he told his Twitter followers that it’s not rape if the person is unconscious and doesn’t remember it happening. Those diarrhea-embedded tweets came out of CeeLo after he pleaded “no contest” to one felony count of furnishing a controlled substance. The woman he drugged claims he also raped her, but he’s always denied that. The day after CeeLo schooled everyone on the definition of rape, TBS canceled his reality show The Good Life and a source claims that the cancellation has nothing to do with the smegma he spewed and they had already planned to throw his show in a grave before he said that shit. Sure they did.

After his show was killed, the diabolical bowling bowl once again went into damage control mode and tried to tweet another apology, but this “sorry, not sorry” pile of vomit came out instead:

ceelononapologyagain

Comments attributed to me on Twitter…” That’s a new one. Wait, is that CeeLo’s way of saying that he doesn’t remember tweeting that shit? Well then, those tweets never happened and let’s all move along. Because dumbasses who tweet stupid crap about rape REMEMBER.

CeeLo Green Doesn’t Know How Rape Works

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

A couple of years ago, a woman told police that while on a date with CeeLo Green, he allegedly snuck MDMA into her drink and after she passed out, he raped her. At the time, the long-lost twin of Pile of Chet from Weird Science admitted to “giving” the woman MDMA and having sex with her, but denied raping her. CeeLo was charged with drugging the woman, a felony, and the rape charge was dropped due to lack of evidence. CeeLo recently pleaded no contest” to the drugging charge and he was sentenced to probation and community service. CeeLo probably should’ve left it at that, but he just couldn’t help himself. Yesterday on Twitter, CeeLo dribbled out an incoherent shit stream of words where he said that it’s only rape if the person is conscious. Satan, please come and get your child, because it’s too early in the week for dumbassery like this.

Before CeeLo hit the delete button on all of his tweets, Love B. Scott (via Buzzfeed) got screen shots of them. CeeLo tried to school his followers on the true meaning of “rape” by telling them that it’s not rape if the person who was raped doesn’t remember they were raped. What in “tree falling in a forest” HELL is this midget T-rex talking about? The tweets are after the cut. CAUTION: You will lose at least one brain cell while reading them.

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Gene Simmons Apologizes For Telling Depressed People To Kill Themselves

August 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Why? Why? Why did I have to find out on the Lord’s Day that when Gene Simmons frowns, his cheeks look like saggy grandma tits? I could’ve handled it if I found out on a Monday. And now I’m depressed.

Back in July, notorious butt dingle Gene Simmons told SongFacts.com that he really has no sympathy for depressed people and drug addicts. The interview went unnoticed when it first came out, but after Robin Williams’ suicide, it made its way around the Internet. Gene was asked if he gets along with the original members of Kiss and he said that he doesn’t, because he doesn’t get along with drug addicts and anyone who “has a dark cloud over their head and sees themselves as a victim.”

Gene said that if you want to know real pain and suffering, talk to his mother, because she was in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. So unless the Nazis are beating you while holding you against your will in a concentration camp, you have no right to see the world as a shitty place. Oh Gene, the world was a shitty place then, it can be a shitty place now and it’s an even shittier place when you open up your crusty diarrhea slit of a mouth and speak words.

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Backdoor Farrah Is Stripping In The Name Of Research!

August 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Christian author, reality trash, porn trick, yogurt maker, mother of every year and rubber asshole mogul Farrah Abraham is now shaking her concrete ball tits for dollars at the Palazio Gentlemen’s Club in Austin, TX. E! News says that Backdoor Farrah started out as a cocktail waitress, but that lasted for about six seconds when she realized she could make more money stripping. If Farrah dances like she screws, then she probably moves like a sloth on Ambien, and since men would definitely throw money at a sloth on Ambien if it showed them its tits, she’s making a lot of money. But Backdoor Farrah wouldn’t be Backdoor Farrah if she didn’t reach into a bull’s dirty ass and pull out a bullshit excuse for why she’s stripping. Surprisingly, Backdoor Farrah didn’t say that she lives at the Palazio and she can’t believe that a bunch of strange men are violating her by throwing money at her while she dances naked in the privacy of her own home. Instead, Farrah said that she’s doing research just like Jennifer Aniston. That’s your cue to go to your refrigerator, get out a giant plastic tub of whipped Bitch, Please, scoop a spoonful out and prepare to fling it at this mess with butt plug dust for brains.

“I’m doing research. A friend of mine works there and I’m researching. I’ve been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman’s club, including cocktailing and dancing. There’s management and there’s cooking too. It’s job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that’s what I’m doing. It’s how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I’m not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I’m interested in hearing all the women’s stories. And while I’m doing it, I’m getting paid. I’m getting paid to play a role and get informed.”

That’s a good line actually. The next time you get caught by the police sucking dick under the bridge (which I know happens to you all the time), just tell them, “Officer, I’m doing research for a book I’m writing about sucking dick under bridges.” The next time my mom throws me a cold judgmental side-eye for smelling like weed, I’ll tell her that I’m just doing research for the role of a nonsensical stoned blogger that I “play” 24 hours a day.

But really, Farrah’s daughter is probably wondering when she’s going to do research for her book about how to be a good mom by actually being a good mom. No! Farrah’s daughter doesn’t care. She’s busy doing her own thing.

Pic: Getty

Cara Delevingne Wore A Rabbit Fur Jacket To Leonardo DiCaprio’s Wildlife Fundraiser

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

I haven’t been to that many charity events in my life (Wait, does my 4th grade birthday party count? I mean, half of the kids there were only there for the cake and were forced to be there by their parents who felt sorry for my ass), but even I know that when you go t a charity event, you shouldn’t promote or do anything that goes against the cause. If you go to a D.A.R.E. event, you should probably wait until after that shit finishes to smoke heroin out of a pipe made of coke while butt snorting meth in the bathroom. If you go to an event for Human Rights Watch, you probably shouldn’t wear a Justin Bieber t-shirt since Justin Bieber is a walking human rights violation. So either model type Cara Delevingne was in the mood for trolling or the wolf brows on her face sucked out every piece of her brain for nourishment. Because that piece of trash wore a rabbit fur coat to a wildlife fundraiser in St. Tropez.

Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in pussy and Selena Gomez’s maybe-current partner in pussy showed up to the event for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation in a white tuxedo thing, but sometime during the event, she changed into what looked like a rabbit fur jacket and tiny, white, pussy-exposing track shorts that screamed “I am not on my period!Page Six’s source said that during the event, everybody GASPED when Cara got on the stage with human ass scab Robin Thicke and was wearing a coat that was made of the mutilated bodies of Thumper’s relatives:

“She got up there with Robin Thicke in what looked like a white rabbit fur,” says a spy.

“It was like, wait, this is an event for wildlife!”

Why isn’t there video of this? Specifically, why isn’t there video of Leonard DiCaprio when this was happening, because I really want to see his face go from “Wait, have I fucked her yet?” to “OH GOD SHE’S WEARING PETER COTTONTAIL!” before using his hot karate moves to kung-fu kick her off the stage. This could’ve been a Chelsea Clinton situation and Cara’s jacket could’ve been fake, but probably not.

Bitch probably didn’t even know what the event was for. She was just there for the free press, free booze and free coke. In this dumb twat’s defense, she goes to so many “charity events” for the free press and freeze booze that she forgets what charity the event is for and what the dress code is. At one charity event, she has to wear a red ribbon. At another charity event, she has to wear pink. And at a different charity event, she can’t wear dead animals. How can one bitch remember all that shit?! She was probably booked for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation event and the The Kendall Jones Foundation event in the same week and got the days confused. That’s all.

Another Day, Another Asshole Comparing Paparazzi Attention To Rape

July 6, 2014 / Posted by:

One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent

“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”

Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.

And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:

“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”

Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.

And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.

Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.

Pics: Splash

Kendra Wilkinson Flushed Her Wedding Ring Down The Toilet After Finding Out That Hank Baskett Cheated On Her

July 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Today, White Oprah is scuba diving in the sewers of Calabasas, because her back alley pharmacists are riding her charbroiled asshole for being past due on several invoices and she’s got a diamond wedding ring to find and pawn off.

Hank Baskett hasn’t burped up one denial about the rumor that he cheated on Hugh Hefner’s former diaper changer/fuck piece Kendra Wilkinson with transsexual YouTube model, (The answer is “YES” if you’re asking yourself, “Is ‘transsexual YouTube model’ the best job title of all-time?”) Ava Sabrina London, so she’s gotten suspicious and has done some digging of her own. UsWeekly says that Kendra found some shit that she believes confirms that Hank passed his peen to another while she was pregnant.

A source tells UsWeekly that Kendra didn’t think the rumor was true at first, but she squinted her eyes in suspicion when he didn’t publicly deny it and that led her to do some snooping. Apparently, Kendra found a suspect charge on Hank’s credit card bill and that charge may or may not have been from TranssexualYouTubeModelsSlashHookers.com. Kendra lost whatever is left of her mind and flushed her wedding ring down the toilet.

Once Wilkinson discovered an unexplained—and damning—charge on his credit card, she “flipped out,” the source says. In a rage, she punched walls in their Calabasas, Calif. home, threw their 2009 wedding photos into the pool, and even pulled off her wedding ring, flushing it down the toilet, the source says.

“She was extremely angry,” the source observes of Wilkinson, who also shares son Hank IV, with Baskett.

Kendra sucked moth balls out of Hef’s mummy dick, so nobody’s ever accused of her being the best at making good decisions. But throwing a ring that is worth money down the toilet and flushing it has to be the dumbest thing she’s ever done. Hank spent $500 on a handjob, so Kendra’s going to need that ring to pawn off for some quick cash when he takes a second mortgage on the house to get a little 69 action from Ava Sabrina London. But I’m surprised Kendra still had her ring. I’m shocked that Hank didn’t steal Kendra’s ring and give it to Ava Sabrina London so she’d stick the tip in real quick. I was going to say “stick the tip in and wiggle” but that’ll cost him TWO diamond wedding rings at least.

And any trick who gets $500 for a handjob that her hook-up can give to himself for free is my hero and she’s living the dream.

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