Category: Dumbasses

Donald Trump’s Lawyer Goes Crazy On Reporters For Writing About Ivana Trump’s “Rape” Allegation (UPDATE)

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

The glamorous power of the choker and an exquisite ruffled bridesmaids cocktail dress. They look stunning even next to that soggy clump of doggy butt hair. But I digress….

During Donald Trump and Ivana Trump’s divorce fight in the 90s, she used the word “rape” to describe some violent and terrifying shit she went through one night in 1989. Ivana claimed that Trump went insane on her after getting a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot. (I think the doctors accidentally removed whatever was left of his brain too.) Ivana once used the same plastic surgeon that Trump used to get his bald spot removed, so he blamed her and freaked out on her. Trump pulled out fistfuls of hair from her scalp and forced her to have sex. Ivana said it was a “violent assault.” Ivana later said that she didn’t mean she was raped in the literal sense. She meant that she was emotionally violated. Author Harry Hurt III wrote about the assault in the Trump biography titled “The Lost Tycoon,” which came out in 1993.

The Daily Beast wanted to write about the allegation because of Jabba the Trump’s comments about how Mexico is importing rapists and drug dealers into the US. The Daily Beast talked to one of Trump’s lawyers, Michael Cohen, about it and the shit, piss, vomit and blood hit the fan. You know that saying? “He is his father’s son.” Well, Michael Cohan is his client’s lawyer. That doesn’t really make sense, but you know what I mean. Michael Cohen went full Donald Trump on The Daily Beast’s asses.

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Buckingham Palace May Have Accidentally Leaked THE QUEEN’S Vintage Nazi Salute Video

July 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Over the weekend, the British royals were hit with an ESCANDALOSO video and surprisingly, it wasn’t a video of Prince Philip choking out a basket of kittens for looking at him wrong. The Sun released an old, grainy video of a 7-year-old Queen Elizabeth (who was Princess Elizabeth back then) doing the Nazi salute with her known Nazi sympathizer uncle Edward, her sister Princess Margaret and their mom. The clip came from the royal family’s personal archives. Buckingham Palace said at the time that they are considering suing whores and will investigate this “invasion of privacy.” Well, the Daily Telegraph says that there’s a chance the leak came from INSIDE THE PALACE!

Fans Have Started Panhandling For 50 Cent On The Internet

July 17, 2015 / Posted by:

50 Cent is still playing the “Help me, I’m poor” card (even though it’s abundantly clear that he’s not broke) and apparently it’s working on someone. TMZ says that 50 Cent’s fans think he’s dining on paper-thin slices of bread in the poor house, so they’ve created a virtual Styrofoam cup and started begging for change on his behalf. And it’s literally the equivalent of pocket change.

One of 50’s fans created a website called www.help50cent.tumblr.com to help put some money back into 50’s pocket by streaming his song “Piggy Bank.” Judging by that picture above, they’re as good at Photoshop as 50 Cent is at pretending he’s poor. According to the Tumblr, Spotify will put $0.0011 into 50 Cent’s bank account every time someone plays “Piggy Bank.” So far, they’ve raised a whopping $8.21, which is still $8.21 more than what I thought they’d make. Honestly though – $8.21? They’d make more money digging through the couch cushions or cleaning out their car.

If you go by the list of creditors 50 Cent recently gave to his bankruptcy judge, collecting fractions of pennies isn’t going to do shit to help his imaginary financial problem. The documents say that 50 Cent owes a total of $26 million. He owes $137,880 to Bentley, $64,909 to American Express, and $1,737.33 to his grandpa Curtis Jackson Sr. His grandpa! You’re a real deadbeat when your own grandpa is like “…and don’t forget those 33 cents.

Here’s 50 Cent looking like the long-lost fifth member of the Pink Ladies in London, England earlier today. Hmmm, I wonder if his broke ass flew coach? Answer: NOPE.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Donald Trump Screamed For The FBI After A Drug Lord’s Son Threatened Him On Twitter

July 13, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know that much about life, but I do know that it’s probably not a good idea to threaten to beat up Mexico’s biggest drug lord who just escaped out of prison and is responsible for thousands of murders. But since Donald Trump’s brain checked out of his head a long time ago, he threatened to beat up a Mexican drug lord on Twitter.

As you probably know, the head of the Sinaloa Cartel, Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán Loera, escaped out of a Mexican prison for the second time over the weekend. I used the word “escaped,” because I’m not sure what the word is for “being escorted by the prison guards he paid off to the elaborate escape tunnel his minions built.” Since Trump’s shitty words about Mexican immigrants got him a whole lot of attention, he has kept on, kept on, and used the El Chapo news to bring more attention to himself. Jabba the Trump went on a weird Twitter rant where he said that he’d issue a beat down on El Chapo if he was president.

The Tooth Fairy Gave Farrah Abraham’s Daughter $600 For 2 Teeth

July 13, 2015 / Posted by:

When I was a kid (Side note: A white hair appears in my ear every time I type “When I was a kid…“), I got $1, if that, for every tooth and $2 for molars from the Tooth Fairy. But well, I guess when you add inflation and a shit mom who needs to buy her child’s love, you get $300 a toof!

Porn star, Christian author, vagina mold mogul, ear drum assaulter, walking billboard for tragic plastic surgery, reality show trick and Mother of the Century Farrah Abraham tweeted a picture of her 6-year-old daughter Sophia posing in front of a treasure trove of gifts from the Tooth Fairy. For just two front teeth, Sophia got six $100 bills, jewelry from Claire’s and a sequined purse. Sophia must be a seriously heavy sleeper, because how in the hell did she not wake up when the Tooth Fairy slipped that purse under her pillow?

Farrah shared the picture with her followers, because she’s Fame Whore Farrah and if the moment isn’t captured on camera, it didn’t happen. Also, Farrah worked her ass and coochie off (I was going to add “mouth,” but we’ve all seen her beej skills) for that money so why not show it off?

Don’t spend it all in one place, Sophia…. Unless that one place is called “future therapy fund,” then okay. But seriously…

Farrah is dumb for broadcasting this to the world, because now the scammers are going to trick her and it’s not hard. Farrah probably forgets what her daughter looks like since they’re usually doing their own thing. So scam artists are going to put on a brown wig, black out a few teeth with a Sharpie, make fake fallen teeth out of Styrofoam, get on their knees and walk up to Farrah to say, “Hello mother. It is I, your daughter Sophia. I lost three teeth. That will be $900 please.” Farrah will pull out a stack of hundreds and since she can’t count, she’ll just hand the wad over. It’s the perfect con!

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Reason #1 For Why It’s Not A Good Idea To Wear All Your Clothes On A Flight Instead Of Paying An Extra Baggage Fee

July 12, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s hard out there for a boy band member who doesn’t have One Direction or *NSYNC circa 2001 money. James McElvar (who is giving me young Chris Crocker in that picture) is a member of some Scottish boy group I’ve never heard of called Rewind and he doesn’t get to travel on private jets and lounge in a mink-covered seat as he sips on diamond-infused champagne while his assistants load his Louis Vuitton trunks full of designer clothes onto the plane. James and his boy bandmates have to fly Easyjet and they have to deal with Easyjet’s added fees. But James learned the hard way that it’s better to pay the fee than almost die from skinny jeans suffocation.

The BBC says that on Wednesday, 19-year-old James tried to get on a flight from Stansted to Glasgow with a suitcase and a backpack, but Easyjet would only allow him to bring on one bag without paying. James would’ve had to open up his wallet and pull out £45 in order to bring an extra bag on the plane. James didn’t want to pay the extra fee and he didn’t have to thanks to a genius plan. James decided to outsmart those greedy whores at Easyjet by wearing everything that was in his backpack. James put on six t-shirts, four sweaters, three pairs of skinny jeans, two pairs of sweats, two jackets and two hats. Anyone who has lived through a NYC winter is pfft-ing at that shit, because we’ve all worn that exact same outfit while walking to the bar in the middle of January.

James took off a few layers when he got on the plane, but I guess it didn’t help. Halfway through the flight, he started barfing and collapsed due to heat exhaustion. He had to be given oxygen by paramedics while on the plane. James told The Sun (via People) that he thought he was going to die and I’m sure he had flashes of his tombstone which would’ve read: He Died A Cheap Bitch.

“The woman said either one bag went in the hold or we weren’t getting on. The rest of the band had gone through so I couldn’t give them any of the clothes. I was told I’d either have to pay a £45 fee to get it on the plane, get the flight the next morning, bin the clothes or wear them. I thought I was a goner and that I was having a heart attack.”

The band’s Twatter said that James is still in shock, but that he’s fully recovered.

On one hand, James’ crotch huevos probably look like two raw chickpeas from getting the life suffocated out of them. On the other hand, we all know who Rewind is now and some people may take pity on them and buy their album so they can afford extra baggage fees. Well played, Rewind.

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Paula Deen Thought It Was A Good Idea To Tweet A Picture Of Her Son In Brownface (UPDATE)

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

When you’re trying to rebuild the butter kingdom that crumbled due to the racist dingles that spewed out of your deep fried pie hole, it’s probably not the best idea to tweet a picture of your son in brownface. But since Paula Deen’s brains are made of burned grease and rancid butter mold spores, she (or someone who handles her Twitter account) tweeted a throwback picture of her as Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo (looking more like a deranged Memaw Annie) and her son Bobby Deen as Ricky Ricardo. It was quickly snatched down, but not before people took screen shots of it and passed it around everywhere. Yahoo! Celebrity says that the picture is actually from an old episode of Paula’s now dead Food Network show.

For the record, the photo itself is not a new one: it’s actually from the 2011 Halloween episode of her Food Network show, Paula’s Best Dishes.

There’s a few things confusing about that picture:

1: What in the hell kind of GD Ricky Ricardo costume is that? Desi Arnaz was never that dark and he never had a Vanilla Ice circa 2015 hairline. Bobby Deen looks more like a suburban dad in a lazy Jersey Shore costume.

2. Why would Paula Deen bring this picture out again? Hasn’t Lucille Ball been through enough?

3. Did that picture ever make the cover of Oedipus Complex Weekly? I mean, a mother and son dressed up like husband and wife. That said, I bet they were the belles of the Motherboy ball.

UPDATE: Paula Deen says that hersocial media manager” is to blame and she fired them.

via Page Six

Nicki Minaj Accidentally Started A Twitter Fight With Joe Biden

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, this is random. Nicki Minaj and her maybe-fiancé of three months Meek Mill recently got into an online fight that ended with Nicki pointing her pitchfork in Joe Biden’s direction. Why? Because she can’t tell the difference between the names Budden and Biden. If you’re looking for a creative wedding present for Nicki, might I suggest registering her for a couple of beginner reading classes at The Learning Annex.

E! says it all started shortly after rapper Joe Budden verbally shat on Meek Mill during a recent episode of his podcast, I’ll Name This Podcast Later. Joe claimed Meek’s music is “too hard” for him to be serving up “fucking sappy fuck shit” realness when he’s around Nicki. Joe Budden must have been one of those dudes who was dumped at the prom or something, because he goes in hard on Nicki and Meek Mill’s romance:

“Be the hardcore guy that I’m sure [Nicki] was attracted to at some point. It’s nasty. I hate everything about it. [Meek’s] all like this bitch just stepped off of fucking Mars and is like the only girl. I hate it all. But I do appreciate them for keeping the hope of love alive.”

Jabba The Trump Got Dumped By Macy’s

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Univision, NBC, Mop Head, Cristian de la Fuente, Miss Mexico, Roselyn Sanchez, Flo Rida and sanity have just gotten more company on the growing list of people, things and companies that want nothing to do with the yelling anal sac named Donald Trump. Macy’s announced today that it will no longer carry the Chinese made shirts and ties of the furry ass goiter who always goes on about how he’ll create more American jobs if he’s president. Macy’s cut ties with Trump after a petition asking them to drop him got 700,000 signatures. Donald Trump’s comments about how Mexican immigrants are rapey drug mules have fucked with Macy’s money, so they are done with him and are making it sound like their morals and beliefs had something to do with their decision. Macy’s released this statement:

“We are disappointed and distressed by recent remarks about immigrants from Mexico. We do not believe the disparaging characterizations portray an accurate picture of the many Mexicans, Mexican Americans and Latinos who have made so many valuable contributions to the success of our nation. In light of statements made by Donald Trump, which are inconsistent with Macy’s values, we have decided to discontinue our business relationship with Mr. Trump and will phase-out the Trump menswear collection, which has been sold at Macy’s since 2004.”

Because Donald Trump is that herpes outbreak that screams, “You’re not getting rid of me! I’m getting rid of YOU! I’m sick of being stuck to you, loser!” after you put some ointment on it, he’s doing what he did after NBC dropped him. He’s claiming on Instagram that he’s the one who broke up with Macy’s.

donaldtrumpinstagrammoron

Donald Trump was so bothered by Macy’s selling stuff with his name on it from China that he let them sell that shit for over 10 years. That makes sense! I’m sure Donald Trump will take all that money he made from Macy’s and use it to create American jobs. The first job he creates should be a personal creative writer who will write statements for him that actually make sense.

The executives at Macy’s should go ahead and call their local hospital to let them know that they’re going to need to come in soon to have their lungs re-installed, because they’re definitely going to laugh them out when Donald Trump sues for them for $500 million like he did to Univision. Trump followed up on his promise to sue Univision by filing a lawsuit yesterday for $500 million. Trump says that Univision violated their contract and also violated his right to freedom of speech under the First Amendment. So yeah, Trump definitely doesn’t know how the First Amendment works. What a wonderful quality for a presidential candidate to have!

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Bristol Palin Got Knocked Up On Purpose, So Says Bristol Palin

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Nearly everything that comes out of Bristol Palin’s mouth hole is a certified lie. Two cases in point: 1) When she told everyone that she was keeping her legs closed, because abstinence is the only way, she was going to Fuck Town on the Bareback Highway. 2) When she said in her depressing pregnancy announcement that she really wants privacy, she meant that she wants everybody to pay attention to her as much as possible. Because Bristol threw up more words on her blog yesterday and she had something to say to the “giddy a$$holes” who called her out as the hypocrite she is. (Side note: “Giddy asshole” sounds like the condition my no-no gets when I look at pictures of Prince Hot Ginge.)

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