To be fair, I’m sure it’s really difficult to read the list of “Do Not Dos” your lawyer gave you on the day you returned home from prison when you’ve got more artificial eyelashes than Lamb Chop stuck to your eyelids.
Less than one month after she was released from prison, Teresa Giudice is already breaking laws and trying to weasel her way out of trouble. “That’s my girl!” grunted Joe Giudice. TMZ says that on Thursday night, the human My Precious Puff almost had to call up the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution and tell them to put some fresh sheets on her bed. Teresa was leaving a red carpet event in New Jersey (don’t worry, I laughed at those words too) and realized she might not make her 10pm curfew. That’s uh-oh #1. So she hopped in an Uber and told her driver to haul ass. Of course, Teresa’s Uber got busted for speeding on the way home. That’s uh-oh #2.
As the police were talking to the Uber driver, Teresa piped up from the back seat and told them she was trying to get home by 10pm and it was her idea to drive like a mess. TMZ says that the police officer immediately recognized who she was, and agreed to let her go without a ticket because she had had such a shitty year.
Of course, this is just TMZ’s side of the story. I’m sure if you spoke to the police officer who caught them speeding, they would paint an entirely different picture. “Just as I started to write the driver a ticket, this horrible thing with crazy eyes popped up out of the backseat. All eyes and hair – I couldn’t tell where its forehead ended and its hairline started. I think it was The Babadook in low-budget New Jersey housewife drag. Anyways, it scared me so bad I damn near pissed my pants, so I let them go.”
Warning: If you’re the type of person who is prone to getting headaches that are triggered by a puppet-looking rapper and a puppet-looking (insert whatever Farrah’s job title is) screaming at each other on Twitter, then you might want to go grab a whole handful of extra-strength ibuprofens before you continue to read any further.
Today’s “Jesus Take The Twitter” moment begins with Nicki Minaj. According to TMZ, Nicki decided to shit on Farrah Abraham’s parenting skills after watching an episode of Teen Mom. But rather than do it with her friends in a group text that ends with everyone receiving a picture of Farrah’s plastic IKEA funnel boobs (like the rest of us), Nicki did it on Twitter.
I’d say you should go ahead and file this under “Terrible Fucking Ideas“, but I’m pretty sure that typing their names plus the words “sober companion” was enough for my computer to recognize it as some kind of error and did it itself.
TMZ says that professional Steff McKee cosplayer Scott Disick and Anger’s closest living DNA match Chris Brown have been hanging out a lot, and apparently they’re not bonding over how many times they’ve rudely cut in line at Craig’s and heard a bunch of people whisper “Asshole” under their breath. Sources close to Scott and Chris (okay, so Kris Jenner using three throwaway email addresses, got it) claim that they are joined at the hip because both of them are trying to stay dry. Something that is nearly impossible, since they’re both 98% douche, and douche is a liquid.
Both Scott Disick and Chris Brown have gotten the dirty side-eye for being drunk messes, and Scott’s problems were eventually worked into a time-filling secondary story line on Keeping Up With Kris’ Skanky Daughters. Normally it’s a recipe for disaster when two people who get horny for booze get together, but they both think they can help each other stay sober.
At the very least, they can both remind the other one that they have a kid at home who probably doesn’t want their daddy getting sloppy at the club and that it might be time to switch to Shirley Temples. Or just read whatever Kris Jenner wrote on the KUWTK kue kard that she slipped into their pockets before they went out.
Here’s more of Scott and Chris putting in some sober buddy overtime while leaving 1 Oak in Los Angeles together last week. Yes, 1 Oak is a club. Listen, I never said they were any good at their jobs.
Garage sale Barbie Stylin’ Head turned gold digger turned Bravo reality trick Kim Zolciak once said that she came out of the womb chasing dick. Well, she also came out of the womb with a thigh gap.
Kim really, really cares about having a space between her thighs that’s about as empty as her sense of dignity. Kim is always shitting up pictures on Instagram of her proud thigh gap. A few of her followers have accused her thigh gap of being as fake as everything else about her and said that she’s using tricks like Photoshop and pigeon-toed posing to give herself one. Yesterday, Kim let the thigh gap conspiracists on Instagram know that she’s always had one. When she was a newborn in the hospital nursery, the other newborns looked at her with jealous eyes like, “Bitch, stop faking that thigh gap!”
Date night but only have an hour! Gotta make time even if it’s quick I don’t need to stick my butt out or point my feet in to have a thigh gap I have one even if I stand on my head #BornWithIt #ILoveYouJuicy #IDontPostForYourOpinion #ItsMYIGSoIPostPicsOfMe #ThatsNothingNew BOOTS ARE FREEPEOPLE
The blond Kim Kartrashian isn’t only a natural thigh gap-haver, but she’s also a master of comedy, because she’s standing with her ass out and pigeon toed on purpose, right?
The whole thigh gap obsession is moronic and embarrassing, but now it all makes sense. When NeNe Leakes said that Kim needs to keep her legs closed to married men, she didn’t know that it’s impossible for Kim to do that. Kim’s legs are just so naturally skinny and her thighs are just so naturally tiny that even when she closes her legs all the way, they’re open. It’s not her fault that she was born that way!
A few months ago, Azealia Banks allegedly spit in a French dude’s face and called a flight attendant a “fucking faggot” on a plane. After that mess, Azealia should’ve tried to chill all the way out by meditating in a Calgon bath while Enya played in the background and the soothing scent of angel whispers wafting off of a lit Glade candle filled her nostrils. Or she should’ve taken her ass to anger management. But nope, Azealia Banks is still being Azealia Banks and early this morning she got arrested after her delusions of grandeur got the best of her and she took a bite out of a chichi.
The last time we checked in on 50 Cent’s money situation, a judge was calling bullshit on his allegedly broke ass by ordering him to whip out his checkbook and hand over $7 million to the woman whose sex tape he posted online without her consent. Then 50’s lawyer sort of shrugged and was like “Well, he declared he’s bankrupt, so…good luck with that.” Even 50 kept the charade going by pretending to be poor on social media.
Unfortunately, it looks like redirecting the entirety of his mental capacity from pretending to be poor to dragging Vivica Fox might have hit the reset button on his brain, because yesterday he threw up a picture and a video of the inside of his fridge filled with stacks of money to Instagram. Which, you know, is always a good move when you’re trying to convince people that you’re bankrupt.
50 Cent is shady as hell, so who knows if that’s even his money. Or his fridge, for that matter! I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time 50 Cent took us on a home tour and passed other people’s shit off as his own.
I know I’m supposed to be focusing on the bonkers fact that 50 Cent stores wads of cash in his fridge, but I’ll be totally honest: I’m having a hard time concentrating on the money because I keep getting distracted by those Kraft Singles. If 50 was really as rich as he wants us to believe, that fridge would be filled with packages of Kraft Deli Deluxe. Nothing says “I’m truly rich, bitch” like the ~fanciest~ of processed cheese slices.
E! News pretty much shot a million more holes into Brooks Ayers’ “I swear I’ve got cancer” claims yesterday when they posted proof that he faked his chemotherapy bills and got a rep from City of Hope to confirm that they’ve never treated the slimy douche dingle from the Real Housewives of Orange County. Brooks told E! News last week that he does have cancer and he showed them chemotherapy bills from City of Hope as proof. But after getting called out, Brooks admitted to E! that the chemotherapy bills he showed them were as real as whatever the hell Vicki Gunvalson put in her face.
Apple should really do a workshop at their stores that teaches cheating slut tramp whores how to unsync their phone number from the family iPad so the adventures of their roving fuck parts (and the fuck parts of their side ho) won’t be exposed.
Shortly after Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced that they slipped a toe tag on their dead 13-year marriage, Radar burped up a story about how she fired the nanny, who is female, because she thought that the nanny may have been taking care of her husband’s dick too. Now UsWeekly is saying that Gavin did go where Jude Law, Ben Affleck and Ethan Hawke have gone before: the nanny’s poon.
Seen above looking like an overused old tampon, Justin Bieber is doing the rounds to promote his new album and while talking to Billboard, the topic of his rolled-up Canadian crotch pancake came up again. Because you want to know, the Biebs said he was only joking when he claimed shrinkage and his peen in that picture is as big as it gets. The Biebs was also asked for his thoughts about what Bette Middler said. When Justin Bieber’s bootleg KFed of a daddy patted his son’s dick all proud-like in a tweet, Bette Midler tweeted this:
.@justinbieber dad tweeted he's proud of his son's penis size. I think the biggest dick in this situation is the dad who abandoned his son.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) October 10, 2015
That little ass lube bubble had the AUDACITY to pull a “Harpo, who dis woman?” on the legendary Divine Miss M who has more talent and star power in one of her shit nuggets than he has in his entire being!
“This Britt Meddler,” says Justin, unintentionally mangling the stage-and-screen legend’s name. “I don’t even know who that is, honestly. I wanted to immediately say ‘Who is this lady?’, but then I’m just fueling this negativity. I do feel the photo was an invasion of my privacy. I felt super violated. My dad made light of it, but I don’t think that’s sick and twisted. It was funny. Dads are going to be dads.”
I see what Jackson Bibear is doing by wondering who “Britt Meddler” is. I didn’t know he had that kind of shade in him. I’m mildly impressed. But you know, America can use his fake ignorance to finally deport him for good. See, when non-citizens go through immigration in the US, they’re asked the usual questions, but they’re also asked what their favorite Bette Midler movie is. If their facial expression becomes one giant question mark after hearing the name Bette Middler, they’re banned forever and are dragged away by officers who put them on a plane going back to their country. We can totally deport the Biebs using the Bette Midler Law! (Just go with me on this.)
And here’s Bette Midler as a trash heap bull, or something, at her annual Hulaween party last weekend.
Fresh off of his “joke” about how he’s definitely drinking Donald Trump’s Kool-Aid, Anthony Mackie is back to give us more drops of wisdom from his mind. While promoting Our Brand Is Crisis (aka The Lady From The Blind Side Goes To Bolivia), Anthony did an interview with The Daily Beast where he said that democracy isn’t for every country and some people just need a dictator. Um, how Anthony Mackie hasn’t been added to the cast of The View is beyond me! Anthony didn’t stop there. He gave his thoughts about who should direct the Black Panther movie.
In case you’re not a Marvel nerd, Black Panther is a superhero who used to be the king of a fictional African nation. Chadwick Boseman is playing the title role in the Black Panther movie and Ava DuVernay, the director of Selma, was rumored to be in talks to direct it. She denied that shit and said she isn’t going to direct it. Anthony, who plays The Falcon in the Marvel movies and begged to be Black Panther, tells The Daily Beast that he doesn’t think the movie necessarily needs a black director. And then he gave an analogy that truly made me laugh out loud:
“I don’t think it’s important at all. As a director your job is to tell a story. You know, they didn’t get a horse to direct Seabiscuit! The thing is I don’t think the race of the director has to do with their ability to tell a story. I think it’s all about the director’s ability to be able to relate to that story and do it justice. I think men can direct women, and two of my greatest work experiences were with female directors. So I think it all depends. May the best man—or woman—win.”
I laughed, but Anthony did make me think. I mean, Seabiscuit should’ve been directed by a horse. Damn us humans for taking jobs away from horses! I thought Seabiscuit was awful, but I’m sure I would’ve loved it if a horse directed it. If anything, I would’ve loved the behind-the-scenes footage showing Martin Horsese directing Tobey Maguire. Thank you, Anthony Mackie, for giving me this image.
And now that Anthony mentions it, the Black Panther movie should be directed by an actual panther.