We all know that Kanye West has a lukewarm puddle of soggy delusion for a brain (it was a wedding present from his mother-in-law as a way to help him fit-in with the rest of the family), so this story should surprise no one. The Daily Mail says that during a performance in Sydney, Australia on Friday night, Kim’s Kurrent Husband told the audience to stand up and dance and threw a tempter-tantrum when he noticed that some people weren’t obeying King Kanye. HOW DARE THEY! DON’T THEY KNOW HOW IMPORTANT KANYE WEST IS??
Concertgoers claim that Kanye got all kunty when realized there might still be one or two people in the audience who hadn’t stood up, so he stopped the music and announced:
“I can’t do this song, I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit. Imma see you if you ain’t standing up, believe me, I’m very good at that”
Sure enough, he located one of the seated persons and demanded to know why they weren’t standing up and worshiping at the altar of Yeezus, to which they held up a prosthetic leg as proof that they weren’t able to stand, a reason Kanye deemed an acceptable excuse. Then he managed to locate the other person in the audience who was still seated and insisted that they get their ass out of their seat and dance, GODDAMN IT. But they remained seated BECAUSE THEY WERE IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR.
The fissure on humanity’s ass lips that refuses to heal, Chris Brown, was once again showing everyone that he’s a completely changed person and isn’t a mutated throbbing taint pimple that regularly explodes into a douche geyser of rage. And by that, I mean the opposite. TMZ says that The Difficult Brown was put into handcuffs in DC early this morning after he punched a dude in the face outside of the W Hotel. The dude apparently photo bombed a picture that Chris was taking with two women. I know, the most shocking part of all of this is that Fist Brown knocked out a dude and not one of the two women. (“See, my baby is changing!” – Mom Breezy)
TMZ says that around 4:30 am, Chris Brown and his bodyguard were hanging outside of the W Hotel when two women asked to take a picture with him. Right before the picture was about to be taken, two dudes, who don’t know Fist Brown, jumped in and that made Chris say to them, “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing,” before punching one in the face. They brawled on the ground for a bit before the fight was broken up and the cops showed up. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard were arrested for felony assault and the cops claim Chris wasn’t under the influence of anything mind altering. He was only under the influence of Chris Brown which is the worst drug of them all. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard are sitting in jail right now and they’ll stay there until they face a judge tomorrow morning.
The dude who felt the wrath of The Difficult Brown was taken to the hospital. His nose is broken and he may need surgery. He told TMZ that if Fist Brown would’ve apologized to him afterward, he would’ve taken it and moved on, but since that didn’t happen, he will press charges. The Difficult Brown is still on probation and “breaking a dude’s nose” is considered a violation, so he could go to the clink for up to four years. But back to that ridiculous “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing” shit….
The Difficult Brown went on to say, “You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes.” So taking a picture with dudes equals “gay shit“? The rage, the meth and the dirty enema water running through his veins must’ve eaten up whatever is left of his brains, because I don’t even know what that means. And every time The Difficult Brown pulls some shit like this, I take it as him begging the justice system to please throw him in a building with a bunch of locked-up, sexually frustrated men.
But seriously, I’m sure The Difficult Brown never said that shit. I mean, how can he be a homophobe when he’s an ambassador for equality?!
The new single is apart of my “UNITY CAMPAIGN” which encourages all races, genders, sexes, (everyone) gay or straight to love each other!
— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) June 13, 2013
UPDATE: Someone in Team Difficult Brown tells TMZ that the dudes weren’t photo bombing a pic, they were trying to get on Chris Brown’s bus.
In her latest attempt to make some cash money for her spendy ass self, Tori Spelling throws some random shade at Katie Holmes in her new book (via Radar), saying she “can’t sing for shit” along with calling her a plastic robot. Tori is the closest thing to a walking, talking hunk of plastic since Jeff from Today’s Special, so I’m sure she can smell her own, even through that pinched hunk of Silly Putty she calls a nose. In Spelling It Like It Is (uh… NO), she chronicles how they met at Trader Vic’s years ago when Katie was shooting Teaching Mrs. Tingle and Tori was still on 90210 and how “engaging” Katie was. A few years later, Tori was waiting for an appointment with a much-needed vocal coach when her delicate ears were assaulted.
“As I sat waiting outside his music room, I heard his prior appointment working with him in the other room. It was some actress singing horribly off-key … That made me feel better. I heard him say good-bye and then the actress walked out of the room. It was Katie Holmes.”
Tori blathered on about how Katie didn’t want to hug it out and be all buddy-buddy after not seeing each other for ten years after having drinks once, which makes it 100% obvious that Tori would be the worst and most clueless one night stand ever. You know the type- she corners you at the grocery store, tells you about every second of her life for the past five years but doesn’t even have the decency to remind you what her damn name is. She sashays off after sloppily kissing your cheek and throwing out a “call me!” as your junk start to inexplicably itch right before you remember she’s the chick that gave you crabs.
Since she undoubtedly has silicone for brains as well as boobs, Tori couldn’t think of anything to say and pulled out her patented move of using her kids as pawns.
She pulled out “the mommy card,” complimenting Holmes on her daughter, Suri and telling Holmes she had kids her own age.
Holmes didn’t bite, responding “Oh, do you?” Spelling claims.
“Then I was annoyed,” she writes.
“Come on. Okay, I know you’re busy. But you’re in the public eye. Don’t tell me you don’t follow the tabloids. Don’t tell me you don’t know anything about other celebrities and their kids.”
“Then we stood there,” she says. “She was just plastic. In a perfectly polite way. … My pits were drenched. I never sweat. It was that awkward. I thought, I know you’re not a robot because you can’t sing for shit …”
Katie took to her brand-new Twitter account with a “Mannequins don’t sweat. #blowfishplease”. Okay, she didn’t really tweet that, because she trying to figure out if she saw Tori standing motionless in a window at Macy’s. Is anybody surprised that Tori follows tabloids and can’t fathom a celebrity who doesn’t give a left nut fuck about other people or their kids? Tori is just bitter that she has to arrange her photo ops in advance while Katie can’t walk down the street with a damn cup of coffee without someone shoving a camera in her face.
This actually happened, and it’s way too early in this or any day for this fuckery. Grab your coffee and throw in an extra two splashes of Irish Cream because you’re gonna need it. Here’s what: a grown ass man spent almost $100K over 5 years for surgery to transform himself into a pre-pubescent lesbian. Now, I can get with transgender surgery if that’s what makes your nipples hard, but I can’t get with this. I CAN’T. Somewhere in the world, (LA, not Florida believe it or not) a 33 year old songwriter named Toby Sheldon decided that there was no better way to spend his life savings than cutting his face up to look like Justin Bieber. People who want to look like a cat and like a sand candle left in the August sun are grateful to this guy for making their decisions look almost normal.
According to Complex Style, Toby got the surgery so that he too could have Bieber’s “smize”. Can somebody kick Tyra Banks square in the culo for that phrase?? Fuck. Anyway, he even got a 15K surgery to widen his smile to look just like the Biebs. No word on what he paid for the bad skin. DUDE. Just speak as though your nuts haven’t dropped, sport a douchey hairstyle and some saggy ass MC Hammer knock off pants, paint Heath Ledger‘s Joker smile on with liquid eyeliner, act like a toddler that hasn’t gotten his snack or his favorite toy and you’ve got this for $17.50. You’re welcome. Where the fuck was I when this guy needed a financial consultant? I could have banked whatever the difference of $100K and $17.50 is. Maths are hard, and it’s early.
The worst part (as if there could be a worst in this mess) is that he still doesn’t look like Justin Bieber. He looks like a junior high school gym teacher named Ms. Barker with a mustache and a penchant for hanging out too long in the girls locker room during shower times. FAIL.
Pics vai Complex Style
Farrah Abraham is already destined to become the Dame Judi Dench of her generation and now she’s destined to be feminism’s greatest hero. Sorry, Gloria Steinem, you had a good run. Allie Conti of The Miami New Times (via Radar) interviewed Backdoor Farrah and quickly found out that she would’ve gotten more intelligent answers out of a factory-defected silicone implant.
Farrah talked to The Miami New Times to whore out some club night she’s hosting for Vivid and so Allie brought up her porn debut and asked how her “sex tape” came to be. Farrah used the explanation of lies that James Deen pulled out of her bottomless coochie box on her sex tape. Farrah says that she was dating James Deen when he butt fucked her on camera and he betrayed her trust by leaking the tape. Yes, ho still thinks everyone is as dumb as her. Allie said that it was really shitty (pun intended, I’m sure) of James to do that and then she followed that up by bringing up feminism.
It sounds pretty shitty that he went behind your back and leaked your personal tape. Do you consider yourself a feminist?
I’m pretty feminine. I think so.
Not feminine — feminist.
What does that mean, you’re a lesbian or something?
No, that’s not what I’m asking at all.
What context are you saying it in?
It’s a complicated concept, but I guess at it’s most basic, it means that women are equal to men.
Oh, I definitely feel that women are equal to men. No doubt about that. I mean women should have equal rights to men, every day
AHAHAHAHAHA! You can practically hear the rocks in her head rub together and turn to sand. Just when I think that Farrah has reached the pinnacle of dumbness and can’t possibly get any dumber, she grabs a ladder and goes even higher. When Ryan Lochte wants to feel smart for a second, he reads a Farrah Abraham interview.
And here’s the most powerful voice in feminism posing for the paps in Fort Lauderdale, FL today.
I’m guessing that the host of Matty P’s Radio Happy Hour asked Teen Mom Farrah about the Trayvon Martin situation, because he knows she’s as dumb as the shit stain on a soft dick and would spit out some truly stupid crap. Backdoor Farrah didn’t disappoint. When the host asked Farrah what she thought of the Trayvon Martin case, whatever is left of her brain flatlined when she said this:
“I feel like I’ve met her or something. It sounds so familiar. I don’t know what she is so I can’t picture the person with the name right now.”
In Farrah’s defense, it’s almost impossible to watch CNN when your head is shoved all the way up your culo, and she knows as much about Trayvon Martin as Juror b37 does. But the joke will be on us when we find out that the porn Farrah just shot features an anal strap-on scene with a porn star named Dre Von Martini.