I know, saying “Lindsay Lohan Drank Vodka At Coachella” is like saying “A Kardashian Lazily Sucked A Black Dick.” You look at those words with blank eyes while slowly chewing your everything bagel with cream cheese and butter and you think to yourself, “And?”
Lindsay Lohan is as good at making smart decisions as she is at properly moisturizing her parched, cotton-mouthed weave, so this weekend she, a supposedly newly sober-ish trick, took her ass to Coachella, a desert booze playground where the dust is laced with coke and the farts coming out of the fake hipsters are made of 90% molly. A source type tells InTouch Weekly that on Saturday, LiLo, who admitted on her reality shit show that she relapsed, was backstage with friends and her sister The Curious Case of Ali Lohan during Kid Cudi’s set and she was sipping a cup full of “clear liquid.” It was obviously water and by “obviously water” I mean obviously vodka since vodka is the Lohan family’s water. The source also claims that they watched LiLo’s friend hand her a vodka soda. The source snorted this out:
“She looked completely out of it. She couldn’t stand up straight and she was frantically chain smoking cigarettes. In one of her hands she had a plastic cup with a clear liquid in it. The group was standing in a small cabana, booth type thing and one of the friends was making regular trips to the bar. I overheard the friend order four vodka sodas and when he carried them back to the group, he handed one to Lindsay and she started drinking it. She didn’t seem to care who saw and none of the group seemed concerned.”
TMZ said that before LiLo went off to CokeHella she vowed that she wouldn’t let the sweet nectar touch her tongue, but that’s like me saying I’m going to go to PornHub and not fap.
On LiLo’s reality shit show on OWN Lindsay: Moving And Setting Alarm Clocks Is Hard, she always farts at the mouth about how she’s SO sober that she can be at a club for hours with her coked-up friends and watch them get drunk while she sips water, because she’s THAT sober. That tells me that this bitch has never been one hundred percent sober while partying with a bunch of drunk bitches. Because nothing makes you want to guzzle down booze like sitting in the middle of a bunch of drunken whores acting a drunken mess.
Pic: Pacific Coast News
Since it was a Tuesday afternoon when Goopy Paltrow announced that she shoved an enema up her marriage’s b-hole and cleansed herself of Chris Martin, the tabloids didn’t have enough time to report about their conscious uncoupling in last week’s issue. So this week, Goopy and Chris’ faces will be all over the magazines at the supermarket checkout line and looking at them will remind you that you forgot to pick up some laxatives and fishsticks.
People, who usually has both of their lips on Goopy’s solid gold-leafed asshole, says that during their 10 years of marriage, they sometimes kept it open and he’d hump on his side pieces (like Kate Bosworth, etc…) while she humped on her own side pieces (like Jeffrey Soffer, etc..). The HARDEST WORKING MOM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD said in her bullshit statement that her and the King of Waiting Room Music were having problems for about a year, but People says that for years their marriage has been a mess.
Several friends tell PEOPLE that the pair, who were married for 10 years, at times had an “open” relationship. “They were physically separated and emotionally,” says a Paltrow insider. Adds a close friend of the 41-year-old actress: “They have been on and off for many years. The marriage was falling apart.”
UsWeekly basically echoed what People said and they added that Goopy didn’t care that Chris put his mouth on other hos, but she did care that he put his mouth on Ronald McDonald’s parts. They always fought about her strict diet.
When that Alexa Chung rumor came out, one of my friends said that Goopy’s publicist was going to leak “an open marriage” story to let it be known that she okay’d Chris Martin’s wandering peen and nobody cheats on the Goop! Whatever, I really thought the tabloids would burp up the good shit this week. Open marriage shit and fights about diet?! That’s it? Where are the grainy, green stills from Chris Martin’s sex tape with three Monster Tacos from Jack In The Box?! Where is the story from The National Enquirer on how Goopy controlled all the money, because she knew he’d spend it on carbs and cheap meat, so Chris had to get his fix by selling his ass for a cheeseburger with bacon. Where are those stories?
Although Lindsay Lohan’s brain grades on the same curve as a lazy dog trainer, so the fact that she ever showed up at all means she gets 3 gold stars and a home-made ribbon from White Oprah that says “YOU DID IT!” in glitter glue and craft feathers. But don’t ask to see the ribbon, because it’s been disassembled and picked clean of dried glue.
For the 2,948th time, Lindsay Lohan is fucking up her latest chance at a comeback, a guest spot on the sitcom 2 Broke Girls. According to Radar, Enty of CDAN was in the audience during the Tuesday taping and it sounds like she ran lines with a Costco jug of vodka, because bitch couldn’t remember shit:
“There is not a member of the audience who couldn’t do a better job than Lindsay Lohan last night. It took about 45 minutes to shoot because she never could get through without screwing up. She would get one line and screw up another.”
He also goes on to say that the two bloated humpback slugs on her face weren’t making things any easier (those brats!):
“Lips so plumped out she couldn’t really get them open because of her Botox, which also caused her to have trouble pronouncing certain words.”
But the cherry-flavoured Ambien on the shit sundae was when Blohan answered her cell phone. IN. THE. MIDDLE. OF. A. SCENE:
“45 minutes later when the audience can see the finish line of this scene, a cell phone starts ringing. Loudly. “I’m sorry, that’s mine. Hello. I have to call you back.” Yes, it was Lindsay’s phone.”
If I had to guess who was on the other end of the phone, it was probably Lindsay from 2 years in the future, warning her that this might be her last chance at a career renaissance and she needs to take it seriously. SIKE! It was White Oprah begging her to stop at the liquor store on the way home because they’re all out of boxed wine and Corn Nuts (you really thought Lindsay from 2 years in the future would remember how to operate a phone?)
Pic: Kat Dennings
Robin Thicke has loudly let it be known that he wants his wife of over 8 years Paula Patton back and he’s done everything except for hold a boombox outside of her bedroom window. But I’m sure he’s currently being fitted for a trench coat to make that happen. Robin told the audience at one of his shows last month that he was trying to get his girl back and at his show in Atlantic City last week, he did a cover of “Let’s Stay Together” and dedicated it to Paula. TMZ says that Robin’s public displays of begging are working and Paula is close to taking him back. “What a surprising and shocking development,” said not one bitch.
TMZ says that sources in Robin and Paula’s circle (there’s several finger banging jokes in there) are telling them that she is slowly stepping away from divorce papers and is considering giving their marriage another try. Even though Paula is not impressed with Robin’s eye roll-worthy public declarations of love, she’s been talking to him over the phone all the time and telling him what he needs to do to make their marriage work. Those phone calls must be really short. Because if Paula’s telling him what to do to keep their blessed union intact, she’s probably only saying 10 words to him: “Keep your ho shit antics on the down low, slut.”
Sources also tell TMZ that Robin’s been hanging out with their kid when he can and that pleases Paula.
For those of you who labeled Robin and Paula’s split as a shameless stunt, this is playing out exactly the way you thought it would play out.
1. Paula tells the media that she’s broken up with Robin after he gets caught with his sticky fingers in the cookie jar. (The cookies were oatmeal in case you wondering.)
2. Robin acts like a devoted and caring husband by publicly telling everyone that he wants to save his marriage.
3. Robin and Paula leak stories to TMZ about how he’s begging her to take him back and she’s like “whatever” but is slowly warming to the idea.
4. Paula and Robin declare that they’re back together on the cover of People and the headline is: “NO MORE BLURRED LINES! We’re Fighting For Our Love!” Robin is husband of the year! Paula is wife of the year! Their marriage is marriage of the year! Everyone forgets about those open marriage rumors! And cherubs put down the arrows they were going to stabs themselves in the hearts with, because true love is restored! Meanwhile, groupie whores hoping to get a piece of Robin shrug, because they know the game he’s playing. And Katy Perry makes a sad face, because her dream of publicly dating every man slut in The Man Slut Trifecta is over for now.
You know things are bad when Miley Cyrus is giving you life advice that makes sense.
During an appearance Thursday night on The Tonight Show, Miley was asked by Mac Tonight’s half-brother, Jay Leno, if there was any advice she’d give to her long-lost twin sister, Tuff Toddler. Miley could write a book with all her freon-huffing folksy wisdom (Chapter 7: A Squirrel In The Hand Is Worth Two Twerks In The Bush, Y’all) so imagine my surprise when she answered his question with something rational, reasonable, and – shock of all shockers – smart:
“You’ve got a lot of money. Pay people to make sure you don’t get in trouble, and party at your house. Buy a house, and add a club to it.”
She also went on to say that her fans can keep waiting for a Miley Mugshot (which would no doubt be taken at the Walmart portrait studio) because she’s not doing anything illegal. Well, technically it’s not illegal to expose your grime-covered tongue in public, but it should be (write your congressman).
As much shade as I normally throw Miley – and I throw so much, my driver’s license picture is a palm tree – I have to shake my head in agreement with her. Justin should be trying to hide his bad kid antics like every other underage kid does: getting drunk off a bottle of Malibu in the laundry room with their friends, smoking salvia out of an empty 7UP can in the backyard behind the shed, or trying to fuck on the low in the crawlspace on top of a storage bin filled with Legos. And he should be paying someone to watch his ass, because he’s proven so many times in the past two weeks that he’s not grown up enough to be left on his own. What Justin needs is a baby sitter to make sure he doesn’t try to drive the car or throw eggs at the neighbor’s house, and with all his money, he can afford the very best (personally, I’d recommend either Kristy Thomas or Claudia Kishi).
Is there a division of Animal Control that is able to remove reality has-beens who won’t leave? I have a Kate Gosselin problem. No matter how often she’s kicked out, Kate keeps coming back with her pups and trying to nest, and it’s becoming a real pain in the ass. I tried searching the Animal Control website, but all I could find was a number for possum extermination (which might work).
When Kate sold her soul for fame (it involved murdering those gorgeous piece-y bangs and dumping them in a ditch somewhere in rural PA) she burned a million bridges, including most of the ones leading to her family. No surprise there. But Kate’s sister Kendra Wilber recently told The Daily Mail that she hasn’t seen or heard from Kate in almost 6 years (I’m sorry, she’s complaining about this?) and wants to repair the relationship. Unfortunately, she’s afraid she’s just not Hollywood enough for the former A-list coupon blogger:
“I guess we weren’t totally on board with what was going on with the kids, I guess we weren’t excited enough for her and were concerned about her family.”
Kendra added, ”Years later the divorce came about and we had every right to be. But there was no conversation and no argument. I guess we have our own life and she wants a big life and we don’t fit in. We are just normal everyday people and she doesn’t want us to be part of her life.”
“My sister-in-law Jodi [Kreider] and I get talking about the past and we don’t understand what she’s thinking. When the kids get old enough are they going to come and try to find us? I hope so,” Kendra said.
I personally hope they find good therapists, but finding you is a close second.
Kendra is either workshopping her acting skills in preparation for a Lifetime audition or she lives in a fantasy world where she’s blissfully oblivious to the truth, because it’s common fucking knowledge that Kate Gosselin is a Grade-A, 5-star bitch who’d throw herself under the bus if it meant a role on FOX’s Celebrity Bus Injury. What I’m trying to say is, I’m not buying what Kendra’s selling. My sister and I get in fights over shit all the time (01/16/2014 – Allison tries to eat the last strawberry turnover) but we make up because we both like each other. But if my sister was a raging, egomaniacal insane person? Hell to the no would I be calling her ass begging for a relationship with her and her brats. Oh, and newsflash Kendra: kids couldn’t give a shit about adults they don’t know because there too busy with Pokemon, Laffy Taffy, and Minecraft. If Kendra wants one of Kate’s kids in her life so badly, she should track down Jon Gosselin at his cabin in the woods and take him to dinner at Chuck E Cheese.
(Pic via Splash)
Has there ever been a tattoo that says: “I make awful, regretful decisions when I drink” more than a tribal sun ankh around a belly button? Well, maybe the belly button/cat butt tattoo.
Regardless of the terrible ink on Dennis Rodman (and there is a lot; so much we could write a book and get our PhD in Bummer-ology) it’s what’s inside that counts. And what’s inside Dennis Rodman is a never-ending stream of booze. Earlier this month, Dennis gave an interview to CNN from North Korea that was – in a word – insane. Shortly after, he admitted he was drunker than your drunkest uncle during the interview and apologized profusely. Now TMZ has confirmed that Dennis is ”beyond exhausted and overwhelmed” and has checked in to treatment facility in New Jersey for 30 days. This makes the 3rd time Dennis has tried to get clean with professional help. Or is it the 4th? Does his time on Celebrity Rehab count? What about Sober House? You know it’s bad when Lindsay Lohan just side-eyed you from whatever pile of clothes she slept in last night and mumbled ‘Get it together, Rodman’.
It doesn’t say what or who made Dennis decide to check-in and get dry, but I’m going to guess it was his boo Kim Jong Un. After the drunk television interview, Dennis crossed his heart and pinky swore to Kim that he’d never drink again, but later that week Kim found dozens of empties stashed under their bed and confronted Dennis about the booze by screaming his favorite lines from The Room (he changed Lisa to Dennis). Kim Jong Un then threw all of Dennis’s clothes out the bedroom window onto the lawn while blasting Stronger at full-volume, lit a match, and realized what he’d done and called up his best girlfriends. “I know it’s not Mimosa Monday, but you guys need to come over. I kicked Dennis out; I’M SO STUPID!!! He was my soulmate!!”
(Pic via Splash)
Oprah is either the world’s highest-functioning idiot or the world’s most convincing liar (ding ding ding!), because according to the NY Daily News, she was shocked – SHOCKED – that working with noted coke head/alcoholic/piece of drama-loving trash Lindsay Lohan on her $2 Million
publicity stunt reality show would end up being a wagon-full-of-fat-sized headache:
“This is just what everyone warned me would happen (working with her). And it is,” Winfrey says in a clip from the show, screened for TV critics. Winfrey can be seen seething about the troubled film star after Lohan refuses to take part in scheduled filming. Later, Winfrey says to Lohan, “My truth is, I really do want you to win … but if that isn’t what you want, I’m okay with that. I will tell these guys to pack up and leave today.” Lohan responds: “I know this is my last shot at doing what I have to do.”
Then White Oprah appeared out of nowhere yelling: “Shots? Who said shots!? Let’s celebrate your sobriety with shots! Ps – can I borrow $40,000?”
Let’s for a second play Devil’s Advocate (“Sorry, but I’ve trademarked that for myself” – Kris Jenner). Perhaps Oprah really did think she could help Blohan turn her life around. I mean, I sort of believed that The Canyons would be her comeback and she’d finally be nominated for an Academy Award; but then the ghost of Cher in Moonstruck appeared and yelled “Snap out of it!” as she slapped me across the face to remind me that Lindsay is the King Midas of turning everything she touches to shit. So I feel like it’s very possible that Oprah was convinced Lindsay had good intentions and believed she was serious about sobriet…oh, forget it. The reason was publicity. She needed the publicity, case closed.
(Pic via Oprah.com)
A little over a week ago, A&E put Phil Robertson on restriction for spewing out some anti-gay shit about beautiful man anuses and for saying that black people weren’t singing the blues during the Jim Crow-era. The entire hillbilly-for-pay Robertson family threatened to walk away from Duck Dynasty if A&E didn’t unsuspend Phil and put him back on the show. Cracker Barrel pulled Duck Dynasty shit off their shelves, but put that shit back on their shelves six seconds later, because so many of their customers cried about it. All of your relatives on Facebook scrapped over it and everybody suddenly became a First Amendment rights lawyer and shit. After all that, A&E decided that they just can’t let Duck Dynasty go and they took Phil off hiatus and filming will begin again in the Spring. After A&E kissed on Phil’s man anus and made up with him, they released this eye roll-inducing statement:
As a global media content company, A+E Networks’ core values are centered around creativity, inclusion and mutual respect. We believe it is a privilege for our brands to be invited into people’s home and we operate with a strong sense of integrity and deep commitment to these principals.
That is why we reacted so quickly and strongly to a recent interview with Phil Robertson. While Phil’s comments made in the interview reflect his personal views based on his own beliefs, and his own personal journey, he and his family have publicly stated they regret the “coarse language” he used and the mis-interpretation of his core beliefs based only on the article. He also made it clear he would “never incite or encourage hate.” We at A+E Networks expressed our disappointment with his statements in the article, and reiterate that they are not views we hold.
But Duck Dynasty is not a show about one man’s views. It resonates with a large audience because it is a show about family… a family that America has come to love. As you might have seen in many episodes, they come together to reflect and pray for unity, tolerance and forgiveness. These are three values that we at A+E Networks also feel strongly about.
So after discussions with the Robertson family, as well as consulting with numerous advocacy groups, A&E has decided to resume filming Duck Dynasty later this spring with the entire Robertson family.
We will also use this moment to launch a national public service campaign (PSA) promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all people, a message that supports our core values as a company, and the values found in Duck Dynasty. These PSAs will air across our entire portfolio.
If that statement is labeled as TL;DR for you, then the short version is: Blah blah blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit we love MONAY too much to let Duck Dynasty go blah blah blah.
I’m guessing that A&E got the Robertsons to agree to a crossover episode of Duck Dynasty and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo where Uncle Poodle and Mama June teach Phil to not fear the man anus. It’ll air during sweeps.
And now those of us who never watched Duck Dynasty can continue to not watch Duck Dynasty. But I hope Fox News continues to have Sarah Palin on to talk about this crap, because it’s always comedy gold when she’s on:
When it was announced that Brit Brit Spears will grace Las Vegas with her natural talent for moving her mouth to a song while waving her arms, every single living thing with at least half of a working brain cell assumed that she would lip-synch like the last place winner on Puttin’ on the Hits. Or lip-synch like a deaf possum with his jaw wired shut. But Brit Brit said in an interview that she will be singing live and her beef jerky-faced manager Larry Rudolph said that she was working with a vocal coach. Well, the dress rehearsal for her show Piece of Me happened last night and if she sang live, then I’ve got a clean record at the free clinic, and she’s a singing genius, because she somehow managed to sound exactly like the album recording. She must have auto-tune installed in her vocal cords.
Of course Brit Brit isn’t going to totally sing live in her show. Showing up to a Brit Brit show and expecting sounds to come out of her mouth is like showing up to a glory hole and acting all surprised when a hard, drippy dick pokes you in the face. Above and below (that clip below looks like something out of a trailer park production of Angels in America the Musical) are clips from last night’s final dress rehearsal and it’s obvious she’s either mumbling over a track or totally lip-synching. But there’s two very good reasons for why she’s not singing live.
1. Brit Brit sounds like a chipmunk with laryngitis on helium getting attacked by a pack of hyenas when she sings live, so if she did sing live, the ASPCA and PETA would be at the stage door every night.
2. Singers who sing several times a week are told by vocal coaches to stay away from certain foods before a performance and those certain foods include anything salty, which includes CHEETOS. Can you imagine if Our Lady of Cheetos couldn’t fill her eating hole with her life food, pork rinds and other gourmet delicacies found at a 7-Eleven? The world as we know it would change. Frito-Lay would have to file for bankruptcy and Chester Cheetah would have to suck Ronald McDonald’s dick behind a dumpster to pay the rent.
So Brit Brit isn’t lip-synching for her life, she’s lip-synching for Chester Cheetah’s life!