There was much rejoicing yesterday after it was announced that the next legend to get Lifetime’s sloppy budget biopic treatment was Miss Britney Jean Spears. I was so happy, I ran to the corner store and christened the great news with a bottle of Tim Horton’s Iced Capp (they were all out of bottled Starbucks Frappucinno).
As it turns out, there was one person who wasn’t celebrating. No, not a jealous Christina Aguilera. It was Britney herself. Entertainment Weekly says that Britney’s rep released a statement saying that Britney doesn’t want anything to do with it “in any way, shape or form“, and that Lifetime doesn’t have her blessing. Kevin Federline, on the other hand, has no doubt sent them his blessing stapled to a current resume. “Yo, holla at ya boi KFed if you need a production assistant!”
The last time Lifetime announced they were making a biopic about a Brittany, they received a lawsuit from Brittany Murphy’s daddy. Who knows if Britney will also send a lawsuit their way. I can picture Lifetime receiving it now. “What the…? Is this a brand-new men’s business suit? Oh Britney.”
All of Lifetimes biopics have been unauthorized, so it’s not a surprise that Britney doesn’t want to be associated with it. But the best way for Britney to make sure her story gets told in a tasteful and accurate way is for her to make her own biopic. As much as I want to see Lifetime’s Britney, I want to see Britney’s Britney more. If Hollywood is listening, please please please give Britney Spears a $100 million budget and a director’s chair to make her own epic film. Forget another Ben-Hur, I want to see Brit-Ney.
Seen above looking like she’s about to scream “STOP MARKETING US!! WE’RE SERIOUS ACTORS!” at the premiere of Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 2, Kristen Stewart is once again talking about the time she and Robert Pattinson spent as Robsten. During an interview with T magazine , Kristen Stewart said that Robsten became faker than the forced smiles she worked on the red carpet at each premiere. And that’s something that makes her feel super gross. Technically you’d never know it, since her face is stuck in a permanent scowl. But believe her, she’s grossed right out.
Based on the fact that he’s one of the highest-paid actors in the world and that his children talk like out-of-touch alien billionaires, Will Smith seems like the kind of rich I can only imagine about being. I picture him doing ultra-decadent shit, like delivering messages to Jada by hiring a skywriter (“We need more paper towels“). Apparently getting mega-rich off of shitty blockbusters that turned him into a massive star was one of Will Smith’s goals. But not anymore. Will spoke at the Cannes Lions festival yesterday about his career, and he says it’s all about the ~art~ now.
Before we get into the most romantic dinner of the century, I must say that swan pastry is much too fabulous to be eaten. It doesn’t belong in someone’s stomach. It belongs on the Las Vegas stage, because bitch is working that voluminous whipped cream boa like no other. No, that whipped cream isn’t its body, it’s its costume. I bet Taylor Swift ordered the server to get that swan pastry out of her sight because she was jealous of all the charisma and glamour it possessed. And yes, I was completely sober while writing that little bit about the Liberace pastry swan. Moving on…
Rob Kartrashian, the shame stain on the Kartrashians’ pristine reputation, hasn’t been on the family’s whore show Krapping Up The Kartrashians for a while, because he apparently hates them more than he hates vegetables not covered with nacho cheese and they don’t want the entire world to know that they’re related to a fat fat fatty. But because KUWTK’s season 11 ratings were reportedly lower than Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of morals, producers may be looking to boost that shit by showing Rob’s totally real and 100% authentic relationship with Blac Chyna. Um, the producers should know that if they really want the ratings to shoot into the universe and beyond, they should do a very special episode where they drop the Kartrashians and their wart hog asses into a pit full of starving tigers.
Jaden and Willow Smith, seen above looking like two vintage store-dwelling elves who are about to trick you into trading your soul for a velvet choker and a pair of Fluevog Munsters, are pretty much the unofficial prince and princess of DWTFYW (doing whatever the fuck you want). But unlike other rich kids who got their freedom to do whatever dumb shit they desired by threatening to run away to their summer home in Europe, Jaden and Willow were given full permission from their famous parents, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.