Rob Kartrashian, the shame stain on the Kartrashians’ pristine reputation, hasn’t been on the family’s whore show Krapping Up The Kartrashians for a while, because he apparently hates them more than he hates vegetables not covered with nacho cheese and they don’t want the entire world to know that they’re related to a fat fat fatty. But because KUWTK’s season 11 ratings were reportedly lower than Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of morals, producers may be looking to boost that shit by showing Rob’s totally real and 100% authentic relationship with Blac Chyna. Um, the producers should know that if they really want the ratings to shoot into the universe and beyond, they should do a very special episode where they drop the Kartrashians and their wart hog asses into a pit full of starving tigers.
Jaden and Willow Smith, seen above looking like two vintage store-dwelling elves who are about to trick you into trading your soul for a velvet choker and a pair of Fluevog Munsters, are pretty much the unofficial prince and princess of DWTFYW (doing whatever the fuck you want). But unlike other rich kids who got their freedom to do whatever dumb shit they desired by threatening to run away to their summer home in Europe, Jaden and Willow were given full permission from their famous parents, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.
This is obligatory: CHARO WAS ROBBED!
Playboy announced two months ago that the end of a Photoshopped lady crotch era was upon us, because they made the decision to stop putting naked chicks in their magazine. The January/February 2016 issue of Playboy will be the last issue that will give eyeballs a serving of twat that’s been Photoshopped so much it looks like a silicone mini oven mitt. Of course, since Pamela Anderson’s naked body has been inside of Playboy the most times (14 covers and 15 spreads), they asked her to be on the cover of the final all-nudie issue. 48-year-old Pamela tells Entertainment Tonight that Hugh Hefner’s lawyer called her and said that there’s only one beauty they want for the cover and it’s Charo, but since Charo said no, they were willing to settle for her ass.
The Canadian-American rose (who is giving me porn parody Harley Quinn on that cover) said a while ago that her sons were teased in school because their mom’s nipples and poon are all over the Internet. So she asked them if she should do Playboy again. Her sons, 19-year-old Brandon and 17-year-old Dylan, both told her to do it:
“I said, ‘Hef just called, he wants me to do the last cover of Playboy,’ and [Brandon] goes, ‘Mom you’ve got to do it. We’re older, we’re not embarrassed anymore of you. You know, we think you’re great.’ He was so excited. He may have high-fived me!
And then I asked Dylan too, and Dylan’s like, ‘Mom, you know you’ve done it all.’ I don’t know what to say but they were really excited for me, and I was excited too.”
I love Dylan’s response. It’s like he shrugged and said, “The entire world has seen dad’s dick go into your vagina, so what’s another few pictures of your naked body?”
Playboy wouldn’t be Playboy if they didn’t Photoshop Pamela’s new pictures to infinity and beyond, but while they were at it, they should’ve added a few sparkles of life in Hugh Hefner’s eyes. He kind of looks like a taxidermied turtle. Although, maybe “the pimp tortoise and the trampy hare” is what they were going for in that picture. Art!
Pics: Ellen von Unwerth/Playboy
For months, Sam Smith shook his head no to the rumors that he’s going to croon out the theme song for the next James Bond movie Spectre. But every time Sam Smith spit out a denial, we all threw him an eye-roll and a “trick, shut up” the same way one does when Meryl Streep says, “Oh, I don’t think I’m going to be nominated for an Oscar AGAIN this year.” Just like Adele, Sam Smith was born to sing a Bond song. I mean that literally, because I’m sure that 23 years ago, scientists hired by the producers of the Bond movies used the DNA of George Michael and the DNA of Boy George to create a super James Bond theme song crooner who was named Samuel Frederick Smith.
The BBC says that the theme song for Spectre is called “Writing’s On The Wall” and Sam co-wrote it with Jimmy Napes who worked with him on “Stay With Me” and “Lay Me Down.” In an interview with Radio 1, the gayslut-shaming former fatty claimed it took them only 20 minutes to write the song and he recorded it back in January. Sam also called “Writing’s On The Wall” a “classic love song.” It comes out later this month, so if you’ve been invited to a wedding in October and beyond, expect to see the married couple dance to that song because every newly married couple on the planet is going to dance to that shit at their wedding.
Reuters says that Sam Smith is the first British dude in 50 years to yodel out a Bond theme song. The last one to do it was legendary man slut Sir Tom Jones who sang the song for Thunderball in 1965. Say goodbye to your panties, because watching vintage Tom Jones in action will force you to pull them off and throw them at the screen.
It goes without typing, but I am really disappointed in the Bond producers for not giving the job to current HSOTM finalist Glorianna Galicia who gave us the greatest Bond song that never was a Bond song. And I’ll be even more disappointed if Sam Smith’s “Writing’s On The Wall” isn’t a big mash-up of Destiny’s Child second album.
Here’s Sam Smith in London a couple of days ago wearing the bomber jacket we all wore in the 90s with Docs.
Seven weeks after audiences walked out of theaters and hissed “I’m sorry I spent $13 on that pile of crap,” people are still apologizing for Aloha. Technically only one person has apologized, and it was Aloha director Cameron Crowe who said “I’m sorry” for casting Emma Stone as a quarter-Chinese, quarter-Hawaiian character named Allison Ng. But I’m also counting the pretend apology I got from the makers of Aloha for putting Kenny Powers in a movie set in Hawaii and not letting him whip around the island on a Jet Ski at least once.
Emma Stone recently spoke to News.au.com (via E! News) and talked about the whole Allison Ng situation. She didn’t exactly apologize, but she did want you to know she fully understands how much Emma Stone playing a part-Asian character made some people uncomfortably tug at their collars and say “Eeeeshhh.”
“I’ve become the butt of many jokes. I’ve learned on a macro level about the insane history of whitewashing in Hollywood and how prevalent the problem truly is. Its ignited a conversation that’s very important.”
“For example, I recently had a conversation with my agent about why they didn’t try to talk me out of signing on to such a disaster.” Emma didn’t actually say that, but I’m sure that’s a thing that definitely happened. She also talked about the other not-exactly-right thing that has happened several times to Emma Stone recently in her career: playing the love interest to a guy old enough to start worrying about his cholesterol.
“It’s rampant in Hollywood and it’s definitely been that way for a long time, both culturally and in movies. But in Irrational Man, the film is contingent upon the age difference; the movie is about that disparity. And when I did Magic in the Moonlight, Colin Firth and I talked about the gap which was huge, absolutely, because he was born the same year as my dad.”
She then added, “There are some flaws in the system. My eyes have been opened in many ways this year.” Be careful, girl. Don’t open your eyes too much, or they might fall right out of your face.
On Monday, we saw that Jennifer Garner’s not-so-secret Hell is trying to avoid getting splinters in her ass while she slowly scooches farther away from her soon-to-be ex-husband Ben Affleck during a choreographed Bahamian photo shoot. And now UsWeekly would like to tell us all about her “Secret Hell.” According to UsWeekly, part of Jen’s “Secret Hell” was hearing the words “Listen…we need to talk about where my dick has been” from her husband.
In the grand tradition of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, People says that the most recent Bachelor Chris Soules and rose collector Whitney Bischoff are over after six months of being engaged. I know, I really should have given you more time to prepare yourself for such BEYOND SHOCKING news. Feel free to send me the bill for whatever injuries you sustained when you passed out from the sheer shock of it all.
Prince Farming (yes that was a thing) and Whitney released a statement earlier today saying exactly what you think they’d say about their split – that they’ve “mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement” and that they “will continue to be supportive friends.” Uh huh. Sure. Skip ahead to six months from now when both of them are pulling an “I don’t know them” before awkwardly trying to change the subject.
Because I don’t love myself, I watched almost all of Chris and Whitney’s season of The Bachelor and I’m not surprised things didn’t work out between those two. He always had the same ‘bored narcoleptic badger’ look on his face whenever Whitney would talk at him. It was as if he was mentally counting down the seconds till he could hop in the hot tub and get his blurred-out boner on. Although to be fair, he had that look with everyone.
This marks the 19th time a couple from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette have called it quits. Would it be too bold of me to suggest that ABC might want to consider changing the name of the show to The 4-to-6 Week Engagement Ring Rental? It would make more sense.
As if it wasn’t painfully obvious by Julianna Margulies’ “Sorry, where am I supposed to be looking?” eyes, Archie Panjabi – aka the person who appears to be sitting beside her at that bar, who also has no idea where the fuck her eye line is – recently spoke about her final scene on The Good Wife and kind-of admitted that, yeah, they definitely didn’t film it together.
I’ve only seen a couple episodes of The Good Wife by accident, thanks to a remote with dying batteries combined with being too lazy to get off the couch and watch something else, but I didn’t have to see the finale last week to know it was a mess. Right away, people started whispering that it looked like Julianne and Archie pulled a green screen switcheroo for and shot their scenes on different days using stand-ins and some cut-and-paste technology. And that would make sense, since there have been rumors going around since Jesus times that those two can’t stand to be in the same room together. On Tuesday, UsWeekly cornered Archie at the premiere of San Andreas and asked her if her final scene with Julianna was bogus, and she burped up this vague answer:
“You know, I can’t answer that. It’s not fair for me to answer those decisions. As much as I want to. But those decisions are made by the producers. I’m not privy to those decisions. All I do know is I’m very grateful to the Kings for making the decision to cast me.”
That’s a lot of words to say “Was it that obvious I was saying my lines to bag of craft service table Cheetos in a wig?”
Damn, you know you truly hate someone if you can’t even pretend to drink tequila with them for the sake of collecting a check. Since it was Archie’s last show ever, does that mean they also had two going away parties that they spliced together afterwards? “Don’t touch the cake! We need that for the second group shot.”
Here’s Archie Panjabi at the premiere of San Andreas wearing some ‘bank manager on top, Game of Thrones on the bottom’ couture:
Reese Witherspoon And Ryan Phillippe’s Kids Don’t Want To Watch Their Parents Do It In “Cruel Intentions”
You can file this under: Duh, No Shit, and Oh Lord Where’s The Bleach I Need To Wipe This Mental Image From My Brain, because really – I can’t think of anyone who would want to watch their parents hump on each other, even if it’s just for pretend. In the eyes of a person watching their parents do sex, a pretend hump is just as unsettling as the real thing.
During a recent appearance on Watch What Happens Live, Reese Witherspoon admitted that Ava and Deacon Phillippe, the kids she made with her former husband Ryan Phillippe, have no interest in watching any movie starring Oscar-winning AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon. But they especially have no interest in watching their mom lose her pretend virginity to their dad in Cruel Intentions.
“They don’t have any interest in seeing me in movies. It’s weird for them. They’re like, ‘This is so weird!’ And especially seeing me and their dad having sex. It’s so weird. Not interested. They have this Cruel Intentions play in L.A. that’s like a musical. So I was going to take them to that. But they haven’t seen [the movie].”
Reese and Ryan’s kids are 15 and 11-years-old now (this just in: all our bones simultaneously turned to dust, because we are OLD), which means Netflix is bound to suggest that delicious piece of trash to them eventually. And it’s sad they’ll never watch it, because watching Sarah Michelle Gellar serving up 8 layers of bitchy slut for two hours is truly an experience. Maybe someone could re-cut Cruel Intentions in a way that makes it seem like Reese and Ryan are just friends? Or just delete their scenes entirely and make it exclusively about SMG. Where’s the Kickstarter for that? I have $10 and I would like to see that happen!
The sky is blue, water is wet, Kanye West’s b-hole gets moist whenever Riccardo Tisci adds the thumb up emoji to one of his texts and Kylie Jenner’s lips are full of fillers. Expect that shocking development to be added to the Book of Revelation.
17-year-old Kylie Jenner has said time and time again that her enormous Bratz lips were made with make-up and not Kardashian blood (aka fillers) and every time she said that most of us threw her a side-eye as though she said, “I swear, my mother has a soul.” But after months of denials and after a bunch of stupid kids almost killed their lips from doing the #KylieJennerChallenge, Pimp Mama Kris’ youngest employee has admitted that her neck pillow lips are fake.
In a preview for the next episode of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians, a reporter tries to be slick by asking Kylie what’s the secret to getting “amazing” lips like hers. The secret of course is found at the end of a plastic surgeon’s syringe needle, but Kylie awkwardly tiptoes around the question and instead talks about lipstick colors or something. Kylie then admits during one of those reality TV confessionals that she had “temporary fillers” injected into her lips. Those of you (read: none of you) who believed Kylie and thought her lips just had a growth spurt are probably crying into the deed for the bridge you bought from a friend, because you can’t believe that she deceived you.
Kylie really didn’t have to say anything. It would be shocking if she didn’t have any fillers or anything. I mean, she’s PMK’s child. You’re not officially PMK’s child until you’ve been khristened with a syringe full of filler. If Kylie didn’t want any kind of plastic surgery, it would break PMK’s cold, dead demon heart and she’d clutch at the rubbery skin on her flesh while screaming, “Why do you hate me?!”
And here’s another klip where Khlozilla says that Kylie should just tell the truth about her lips. This coming from a trick whose probably got two giant stress balls shoved under her ass skin:
Why did I watch that first part more than once? All of my future Thanksgivings are ruined now. I’ll have to run out of the kitchen screaming every time I see my mom slathering oil all over a turkey.
And here’s the only all-natural member of the Kartrashians whoring out her toilet book at Barnes & Noble in NYC yesterday.