You know things are bad when Miley Cyrus is giving you life advice that makes sense.
During an appearance Thursday night on The Tonight Show, Miley was asked by Mac Tonight’s half-brother, Jay Leno, if there was any advice she’d give to her long-lost twin sister, Tuff Toddler. Miley could write a book with all her freon-huffing folksy wisdom (Chapter 7: A Squirrel In The Hand Is Worth Two Twerks In The Bush, Y’all) so imagine my surprise when she answered his question with something rational, reasonable, and – shock of all shockers – smart:
“You’ve got a lot of money. Pay people to make sure you don’t get in trouble, and party at your house. Buy a house, and add a club to it.”
She also went on to say that her fans can keep waiting for a Miley Mugshot (which would no doubt be taken at the Walmart portrait studio) because she’s not doing anything illegal. Well, technically it’s not illegal to expose your grime-covered tongue in public, but it should be (write your congressman).
As much shade as I normally throw Miley – and I throw so much, my driver’s license picture is a palm tree – I have to shake my head in agreement with her. Justin should be trying to hide his bad kid antics like every other underage kid does: getting drunk off a bottle of Malibu in the laundry room with their friends, smoking salvia out of an empty 7UP can in the backyard behind the shed, or trying to fuck on the low in the crawlspace on top of a storage bin filled with Legos. And he should be paying someone to watch his ass, because he’s proven so many times in the past two weeks that he’s not grown up enough to be left on his own. What Justin needs is a baby sitter to make sure he doesn’t try to drive the car or throw eggs at the neighbor’s house, and with all his money, he can afford the very best (personally, I’d recommend either Kristy Thomas or Claudia Kishi).
Is there a division of Animal Control that is able to remove reality has-beens who won’t leave? I have a Kate Gosselin problem. No matter how often she’s kicked out, Kate keeps coming back with her pups and trying to nest, and it’s becoming a real pain in the ass. I tried searching the Animal Control website, but all I could find was a number for possum extermination (which might work).
When Kate sold her soul for fame (it involved murdering those gorgeous piece-y bangs and dumping them in a ditch somewhere in rural PA) she burned a million bridges, including most of the ones leading to her family. No surprise there. But Kate’s sister Kendra Wilber recently told The Daily Mail that she hasn’t seen or heard from Kate in almost 6 years (I’m sorry, she’s complaining about this?) and wants to repair the relationship. Unfortunately, she’s afraid she’s just not Hollywood enough for the former A-list coupon blogger:
“I guess we weren’t totally on board with what was going on with the kids, I guess we weren’t excited enough for her and were concerned about her family.”
Kendra added, ”Years later the divorce came about and we had every right to be. But there was no conversation and no argument. I guess we have our own life and she wants a big life and we don’t fit in. We are just normal everyday people and she doesn’t want us to be part of her life.”
“My sister-in-law Jodi [Kreider] and I get talking about the past and we don’t understand what she’s thinking. When the kids get old enough are they going to come and try to find us? I hope so,” Kendra said.
I personally hope they find good therapists, but finding you is a close second.
Kendra is either workshopping her acting skills in preparation for a Lifetime audition or she lives in a fantasy world where she’s blissfully oblivious to the truth, because it’s common fucking knowledge that Kate Gosselin is a Grade-A, 5-star bitch who’d throw herself under the bus if it meant a role on FOX’s Celebrity Bus Injury. What I’m trying to say is, I’m not buying what Kendra’s selling. My sister and I get in fights over shit all the time (01/16/2014 – Allison tries to eat the last strawberry turnover) but we make up because we both like each other. But if my sister was a raging, egomaniacal insane person? Hell to the no would I be calling her ass begging for a relationship with her and her brats. Oh, and newsflash Kendra: kids couldn’t give a shit about adults they don’t know because there too busy with Pokemon, Laffy Taffy, and Minecraft. If Kendra wants one of Kate’s kids in her life so badly, she should track down Jon Gosselin at his cabin in the woods and take him to dinner at Chuck E Cheese.
(Pic via Splash)
Has there ever been a tattoo that says: “I make awful, regretful decisions when I drink” more than a tribal sun ankh around a belly button? Well, maybe the belly button/cat butt tattoo.
Regardless of the terrible ink on Dennis Rodman (and there is a lot; so much we could write a book and get our PhD in Bummer-ology) it’s what’s inside that counts. And what’s inside Dennis Rodman is a never-ending stream of booze. Earlier this month, Dennis gave an interview to CNN from North Korea that was – in a word – insane. Shortly after, he admitted he was drunker than your drunkest uncle during the interview and apologized profusely. Now TMZ has confirmed that Dennis is ”beyond exhausted and overwhelmed” and has checked in to treatment facility in New Jersey for 30 days. This makes the 3rd time Dennis has tried to get clean with professional help. Or is it the 4th? Does his time on Celebrity Rehab count? What about Sober House? You know it’s bad when Lindsay Lohan just side-eyed you from whatever pile of clothes she slept in last night and mumbled ‘Get it together, Rodman’.
It doesn’t say what or who made Dennis decide to check-in and get dry, but I’m going to guess it was his boo Kim Jong Un. After the drunk television interview, Dennis crossed his heart and pinky swore to Kim that he’d never drink again, but later that week Kim found dozens of empties stashed under their bed and confronted Dennis about the booze by screaming his favorite lines from The Room (he changed Lisa to Dennis). Kim Jong Un then threw all of Dennis’s clothes out the bedroom window onto the lawn while blasting Stronger at full-volume, lit a match, and realized what he’d done and called up his best girlfriends. “I know it’s not Mimosa Monday, but you guys need to come over. I kicked Dennis out; I’M SO STUPID!!! He was my soulmate!!”
(Pic via Splash)
Oprah is either the world’s highest-functioning idiot or the world’s most convincing liar (ding ding ding!), because according to the NY Daily News, she was shocked – SHOCKED – that working with noted coke head/alcoholic/piece of drama-loving trash Lindsay Lohan on her $2 Million
publicity stunt reality show would end up being a wagon-full-of-fat-sized headache:
“This is just what everyone warned me would happen (working with her). And it is,” Winfrey says in a clip from the show, screened for TV critics. Winfrey can be seen seething about the troubled film star after Lohan refuses to take part in scheduled filming. Later, Winfrey says to Lohan, “My truth is, I really do want you to win … but if that isn’t what you want, I’m okay with that. I will tell these guys to pack up and leave today.” Lohan responds: “I know this is my last shot at doing what I have to do.”
Then White Oprah appeared out of nowhere yelling: “Shots? Who said shots!? Let’s celebrate your sobriety with shots! Ps – can I borrow $40,000?”
Let’s for a second play Devil’s Advocate (“Sorry, but I’ve trademarked that for myself” – Kris Jenner). Perhaps Oprah really did think she could help Blohan turn her life around. I mean, I sort of believed that The Canyons would be her comeback and she’d finally be nominated for an Academy Award; but then the ghost of Cher in Moonstruck appeared and yelled “Snap out of it!” as she slapped me across the face to remind me that Lindsay is the King Midas of turning everything she touches to shit. So I feel like it’s very possible that Oprah was convinced Lindsay had good intentions and believed she was serious about sobriet…oh, forget it. The reason was publicity. She needed the publicity, case closed.
(Pic via Oprah.com)
A little over a week ago, A&E put Phil Robertson on restriction for spewing out some anti-gay shit about beautiful man anuses and for saying that black people weren’t singing the blues during the Jim Crow-era. The entire hillbilly-for-pay Robertson family threatened to walk away from Duck Dynasty if A&E didn’t unsuspend Phil and put him back on the show. Cracker Barrel pulled Duck Dynasty shit off their shelves, but put that shit back on their shelves six seconds later, because so many of their customers cried about it. All of your relatives on Facebook scrapped over it and everybody suddenly became a First Amendment rights lawyer and shit. After all that, A&E decided that they just can’t let Duck Dynasty go and they took Phil off hiatus and filming will begin again in the Spring. After A&E kissed on Phil’s man anus and made up with him, they released this eye roll-inducing statement:
As a global media content company, A+E Networks’ core values are centered around creativity, inclusion and mutual respect. We believe it is a privilege for our brands to be invited into people’s home and we operate with a strong sense of integrity and deep commitment to these principals.
That is why we reacted so quickly and strongly to a recent interview with Phil Robertson. While Phil’s comments made in the interview reflect his personal views based on his own beliefs, and his own personal journey, he and his family have publicly stated they regret the “coarse language” he used and the mis-interpretation of his core beliefs based only on the article. He also made it clear he would “never incite or encourage hate.” We at A+E Networks expressed our disappointment with his statements in the article, and reiterate that they are not views we hold.
But Duck Dynasty is not a show about one man’s views. It resonates with a large audience because it is a show about family… a family that America has come to love. As you might have seen in many episodes, they come together to reflect and pray for unity, tolerance and forgiveness. These are three values that we at A+E Networks also feel strongly about.
So after discussions with the Robertson family, as well as consulting with numerous advocacy groups, A&E has decided to resume filming Duck Dynasty later this spring with the entire Robertson family.
We will also use this moment to launch a national public service campaign (PSA) promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all people, a message that supports our core values as a company, and the values found in Duck Dynasty. These PSAs will air across our entire portfolio.
If that statement is labeled as TL;DR for you, then the short version is: Blah blah blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit we love MONAY too much to let Duck Dynasty go blah blah blah.
I’m guessing that A&E got the Robertsons to agree to a crossover episode of Duck Dynasty and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo where Uncle Poodle and Mama June teach Phil to not fear the man anus. It’ll air during sweeps.
And now those of us who never watched Duck Dynasty can continue to not watch Duck Dynasty. But I hope Fox News continues to have Sarah Palin on to talk about this crap, because it’s always comedy gold when she’s on:
When it was announced that Brit Brit Spears will grace Las Vegas with her natural talent for moving her mouth to a song while waving her arms, every single living thing with at least half of a working brain cell assumed that she would lip-synch like the last place winner on Puttin’ on the Hits. Or lip-synch like a deaf possum with his jaw wired shut. But Brit Brit said in an interview that she will be singing live and her beef jerky-faced manager Larry Rudolph said that she was working with a vocal coach. Well, the dress rehearsal for her show Piece of Me happened last night and if she sang live, then I’ve got a clean record at the free clinic, and she’s a singing genius, because she somehow managed to sound exactly like the album recording. She must have auto-tune installed in her vocal cords.
Of course Brit Brit isn’t going to totally sing live in her show. Showing up to a Brit Brit show and expecting sounds to come out of her mouth is like showing up to a glory hole and acting all surprised when a hard, drippy dick pokes you in the face. Above and below (that clip below looks like something out of a trailer park production of Angels in America the Musical) are clips from last night’s final dress rehearsal and it’s obvious she’s either mumbling over a track or totally lip-synching. But there’s two very good reasons for why she’s not singing live.
1. Brit Brit sounds like a chipmunk with laryngitis on helium getting attacked by a pack of hyenas when she sings live, so if she did sing live, the ASPCA and PETA would be at the stage door every night.
2. Singers who sing several times a week are told by vocal coaches to stay away from certain foods before a performance and those certain foods include anything salty, which includes CHEETOS. Can you imagine if Our Lady of Cheetos couldn’t fill her eating hole with her life food, pork rinds and other gourmet delicacies found at a 7-Eleven? The world as we know it would change. Frito-Lay would have to file for bankruptcy and Chester Cheetah would have to suck Ronald McDonald’s dick behind a dumpster to pay the rent.
So Brit Brit isn’t lip-synching for her life, she’s lip-synching for Chester Cheetah’s life!
Whenever I walk by the closet door, I peek in to wink at Queen Latifah, throw a “hey, girl” at Taylor Lautner and sometimes I squint while trying to figure out who the fat, balding Eastern European grandmother is until I realize it’s just John Travolta without his hair on. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen Brian Boitano in there. He must’ve been in the closet kitchen making lunch for them all, because apparently he was in there and just twirled out today. Brian Boitano is part of Team Shade To Russia (aka a team of 10 American athletes appointed by Obama) who will represent America’s LGBT at the 2014 Sochi Olympics. Brian released a statement after Obama appointed his ass:
“I am many things: a son, a brother, and uncle, a friend, an athlete, a cook, an author, and being gay is just one part of who I am, It is my desire to be defined by my achievements and my contributions. While I am proud to play a public role in representing the American Olympic Delegation as a former Olympic athlete, I have always reserved my private life for my family and friends and will continue to do so.
First and foremost I am an American athlete and I am proud to live in a country that encourages diversity, openness and tolerance. As an athlete, I hope we can remain focused on the Olympic spirit which celebrates achievement in sport by peoples of all nations.”
So far today, Brian Boitano came out and New Mexico’s Supreme Court ruled that everybody can get married in their state! I hope that the gay news trifecta is completed when Variety announces that Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley signed on for a reboot of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? called Whatever Happened To Baby Cristal?
And now let’s celebrate with a song that won’t leave your head until Sunday.
Earlier this month, Billy Ray Cyrus, Noah Cyrus, Tish Cyrus and Trace Cyrus went down into the “Miley 4 TIME’s Person of the Year” control center in the basement and used their fingers, toes, tongues, peen tips and hooves to vote for their hillbilly golden child over and over again. They tried it, but it’s the Catholic abuelitas who are doing the victory twerk today. Club bouncer turned super priest Pope Francis was chosen by editors as Miss TIME 2013. Pope Franny beat out Edward Snowden (second place), Edith Windsor (third place), Bashar Assad (fourth place), Ted Cruz (fifth place) and my personal choice La Vampy (first place in my heart). TIME called Pope Franny the “People’s Pope” and explained their choice like this:
But what makes this Pope so important is the speed with which he has captured the imaginations of millions who had given up on hoping for the church at all. People weary of the endless parsing of sexual ethics, the buck-passing infighting over lines of authority when all the while (to borrow from Milton), “the hungry Sheep look up, and are not fed.” In a matter of months, Francis has elevated the healing mission of the church—the church as servant and comforter of hurting people in an often harsh world—above the doctrinal police work so important to his recent predecessors. John Paul II and Benedict XVI were professors of theology. Francis is a former janitor, nightclub bouncer, chemical technician and literature teacher.
And behind his self-effacing facade, he is a very canny operator. He makes masterly use of 21st century tools to perform his 1st century office. He is photographed washing the feet of female convicts, posing for selfies with young visitors to the Vatican, embracing a man with a deformed face. He is quoted saying of women who consider abortion because of poverty or rape, “Who can remain unmoved before such painful situations?” Of gay people: “If a homosexual person is of good will and is in search of God, I am no one to judge.” To divorced and remarried Catholics who are, by rule, forbidden from taking Communion, he says that this crucial rite “is not a prize for the perfect but a powerful medicine and nourishment for the weak.”
Obvious choice is obvious. Whenever I see shit saying that Pope Francis is progressive and changing the face of the Catholic church, Oda Mae Brown takes over my body and I say, “You in danger, Pope.”
And when I saw that cover first thing this morning, I thought it was Alan Alda in a really hot outfit. That makes me ask: Why in the hell hasn’t Alan Alda ever been Person of the Year?!
During his deposition in his $50 million defamation lawsuit against Bauer Media (the publisher of InTouch and Life & Style), Tom Cruise admitted that he doesn’t see Suri face-to-face a lot, but he does talk to her on the phone almost daily and he would communicate with her telepathically but somebody removed the WiFi chip that he installed in her brain at birth. Tommy Girl is legally scrapping with Bauer over a June 2012 cover story about how he “abandoned” Suri the same way sanity and reason abandoned his brain after he joined those crazy alien whores in Scientology. Now, even more bits from Tommy’s September 9th deposition, which was made public, are coming out.
People says that Tommy admitted to not seeing Suri for 100 days after Katie quit his ass in 2012. Tommy blamed it on his work schedule and when asked why he didn’t take Suri to her first day of school, he said that she never brought up. Bauer’s lawyers also brought up Scientology and in a shocking turn of events, that didn’t make Tommy’s glib-detecting eyeballs fall out of his head. When Bauer asked Tommy if Katie left him because she wanted to get Suri away from his Church of Crazies, his E.T. butt plug popped out of his ass a bit as he said:
“Listen, I find that question offensive. I find it, those statements offensive. Like with any relationship, there are many different levels to it. You know, I, I find it very offensive. There is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.”
Okay, so Bauer’s lawyers rephrased the question as Tommy tried to use his powers of telekinesis to drop a ceiling tile on their heads. They asked if Scientology was one of the reasons why Katie dropped divorce papers on the bobbing head of one of his male slaves (she wanted to drop the papers on his lap but that bobbing head was in the way). Tommy answered with:
“Did she say that? That was one of the assertions, yes. There are many other aspects to the divorce.”
Bauer’s lawyers asked Tommy if Scientology considers Katie as a Suppressive Person (aka an enemy of L. Ro’s):
“That is a distortion and simplification of the matter. I don’t want to just give an oversimplification of religious doctrine.”
Damn that crazy bitch is in deep. I bet Bauer’s lawyer sat back and silently wondered, “Should Suppressive Person or Religious Doctrine be the name of my weekend band?” I bet that everybody in the room could hear the Thetans on his anus screeching in burning pain as his throbbing ass lips burned up over that question. Oh, to be a Thetan on Tommy’s body (not his b-hole) during that deposition. Bitch sounds wound up and more insane than usual. Somebody give him a Xanax and tell him it’s just a really weird looking piece of barley.
Radar says that in the lawsuit, Tommy’s lawyers also accused Katie and the people around her of leaking stories to the tabloids and calling the paps for photo-ops with Suri. Tommy’s publicist Amanda Lundberg says that Katie’s friends, makeup people and publicist Leslie Sloane passed stories to InTouch to make him look like a shit dad and make her look like a wonderful mother. Amanda claims that an editor friend told her that Katie’s business partner Jeanne Yang was one of the main leaks and constantly gave the tabloids stories. Amanda also accused Katie’s people of having the paps on speed dial:
“[Katie's publicist] calls the paparazzi every time K gets ready to leave the building as the doormen are always surprised how they suddenly show up when she is about to leave.”
Tommy’s people brought up the time when InTouch ran a story about how Katie was upset because Tommy wasn’t there on Suri’s first day of school. Amanda says that Tommy was filming in London and never promised to take Suri to school on her first day. Amanda asked Katie’s people to put out a statement saying that shit is a lie, but she got crickets and tumbleweeds back.
Oh, how I wish this deposition was live streamed on the Internet, because I’ve been missing my daily dose of legal theatrics ever since Lindsay Lohan kept her fuck ups on the down low and has managed to break records by not getting into trouble. It sounds like Tommy put on a terrifying show!
What I got from the pieces of the deposition I read is that Tommy somehow managed to not see Suri for 100 days straight even though he’s got a fleet of hovercopters and teleporters in his garage. And what I also got from this is that Tommy’s publicist is kind of mad that Katie’s team is using their “call the paps to get a photo-op with Suri” move. That’s THEIR move, thankyouverymuch.
Nicole Kidman’s on the cover of December’s anti-GOOP journal Vanity Fair looking about as human and alive as a Styrofoam wig head with painted-on eyes and lips. Because hearing about how Nicole Kidman spends her days in Tennessee touching up Keith Urban’s highlights as her chirrun pack her face with dry ice so she doesn’t melt IS BORING, Vanity Fair’s contributing editor Sam Kashner asked her what it was like being Tommy Girl’s longest-running beard wife. Nicole said that being married to the world’s most famous crazy alien leprechaun was a lot like living in a bubble. I think she meant that literally, because I’m pretty sure the Scientologists kept her in a plastic bubble so when she ran for the exit she wouldn’t be able to fit through the doorway.
“There is something about that sort of existence that, if you really focus on each other and you’re in that bubble, it’s very intoxicating, because it’s just the two of you. And there is only one other person that’s going through it. So it brings you very close, and it’s deeply romantic. I’m sure Brad and Angelina have that—because there’s nobody else that understands it except that person who’s sleeping right next to you.”
“….or in my case, the person sleeping six rooms down from you because VAGINA.”
The ice-covered Australian mannequin went on to say that she loves living in Tennessee, far, far away from the fuckery of Hollywood, and being there makes her forget that she’s famous. But then again, Nicole Kidman’s memory isn’t so great ever since she refused to negotiate her marriage contract with Tommy and men in alien masks and white lab coats removed the part of her brain that remembers witnessing what goes down in the Scientology bath house.
“Having experienced extreme fame and now getting to a place where it’s not so dominating in my life, I’m always surprised when I go somewhere and people know who I am.” She explains that when it’s seen through the eyes of her children “it jars me again, because they ask, ‘Why do they want a photo?’ and ‘Why is that person saying hello to you when you don’t know them?’ All of that stuff has to be explained to a five-year-old. So I see it through a different perspective.
There’s an enormous amount you have to give up if you want to have a family. You can have a certain career, but you can’t be living in Hollywood, [where] absolutely everything, everything revolves around it. That wasn’t my choice. I’d rather revolve around somebody else’s career and then still find my own. [I love living in Nashville] because I can kind of have a very odd, idiosyncratic kind of path. I have stepped away from the fame part of it. I didn’t find what I was looking for in fame. So I went, O.K., this is not for me. And it was such a blessing that I found somebody who said, ‘Well, are you willing to move to Tennessee?’ And I was ‘Oh, am I willing to move!’”
And believe it or not, but an alien-worshipping crazy bitch isn’t going down in history as the great love of Nicole Kidman’s life.
“And you know, with no disrespect to what I had with Tom, I’ve met my great love now. And I really did not know if that was going to happen. I wanted it, but I didn’t want it for a while, because I didn’t want to jump from one relationship to another. I had a lot of time alone, which was really, really good, because I was a child, really, when I got married. And I needed to grow up.”
Keith Urban’s probably sitting there with a twinkly smile on his face, because he thinks that she’s talking about him. But sorry to dim the sparkle in your highlights, Keith. When Nicole Kidman said that she’s met the great love of her life, she lovingly glanced over and winked at the 20 gallon jug of Botox she lugs around just in case the glimmer of a wrinkle shows up on her mug.