Yesterday morning, Meghan Markle’s dad Thomas Markle had his chest opened up and his heart operated on in a hospital in Rosarito, Mexico. He was well enough to talk to TMZ shortly after going through major fucking surgery, so that’s a good sign, I guess. But even though Thomas is well enough to talk to his new BFF Harvey Levin, he’s obviously not well enough to sit in coach for a 10+ hour flight to London. I say coach, because you know THE QUEEN isn’t about to open up her pocketbook and pull out coins to upgrade a trashy American traitor who has stained her family’s pristine image of never ever selling each other out or acting a mess. NEVER!
Since any royal news isn’t official until it’s hear ye hear ye’d out by the modern day version of the town crier (read: Twitter), Kensington Palace tweeted a note from Meghan where she confirmed that the father she’s always “cared” for isn’t going to her wedding. Yes, she said “cared” and not “loved.” There really hasn’t been nearly enough stories about this fucking wedding, so it’s a good thing she used “cared” in her statement, because now we’ll get 12,000 think pieces about that. Yay!
The day when my internal organs all raise up several white flags after I repeatedly pour bowls of Why Me? stew (uncooked cake batter, a box of wine, 2 pounds of snickerdoodle weed cookie crumbs, 4 blended up Double Doubles, and my own tears) into my crying hole is a little over three weeks away. That means news about Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle’s wedding is going from “Jesus Christ, Make It Stop” to “Jesus Christ, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, And Bea Arthur, Make It Stop.”
Kensington Palace has already announced shit about the wedding cake, the wedding flowers, the guests, and the music (which surprisingly doesn’t include Meghan Markle singing Boom I Got Your Boyfriend to us haters at her wedding reception). And today, Kensington Palace burped up the announcement that we’ve all been waiting for. No, not the announcement that Prince William and Duchess Kate named their third kid Prince Morrissey Is Trash of Cambridge. Kensington Palace announced that PHG has chosen his brother as his best man. Who else, really? The British royals are like 12-year-old me: they don’t have fwends!
When Meghan Markle isn’t viciously rubbing the fact that she has the keys to the royal ginger jewel box in our faces, she does acting stuff on the USA Network show Suits. But since no family member of THE QUEEN is allowed to tarnish the pristine family name by doing pleasantly shit like acting on a basic cable show, Meghan is bouncing out of Suits. Sorry, but the only acting that British royals are allowed to do is act like they’re in a happy marriage.
Here you go, Tom Hiddleston – it’s my treat to you: the perfect picture to print out and tape to your mirror if you’re the type who likes to shout out their emotions at physical symbols of their sadness. Well, you know, when you’re done screaming at that cursed I Heart TS tank top, of course.
Jesse Williams has been playing a hard game of denial for months with his maybe-girlfriend Minka Kelly in an attempt to kill that pesky rumor that he left his wife Aryn Drake-Lee for her. The rumor wouldn’t stop; sources kept opening their mouths and ratting him out, saying yes, he was absolutely getting with Minka Kelly. Jesse recently appeared on Jay-Z’s Footnotes for 4:44 denying once more that his marriage didn’t die because “a girl I work with is cute.“Jesse, we get it. Minka didn’t wink at you and send you running for your lawyer’s office for divorce papers. He can deny that, but he can’t exactly deny they’re together.
The Mummy was the wet turd of the North American box office last weekend (it’s done a lot better internationally, though) and most critics seems to think it’s as interesting and exciting as a dried skid mark clinging to a piece of toilet paper in the trash can. Variety did a story on what went wrong with the movie that was supposed to start Universal’s “Dark Universe” series off right. They say that a lot of the blame is on Tom Cruise’s big, sloppy, throbbing ego and Universal giving him way too much control. Universal apparently wanted a blockbuster horror movie and they got another Tom Cruise movie.