During his deposition in his $50 million defamation lawsuit against Bauer Media (the publisher of InTouch and Life & Style), Tom Cruise admitted that he doesn’t see Suri face-to-face a lot, but he does talk to her on the phone almost daily and he would communicate with her telepathically but somebody removed the WiFi chip that he installed in her brain at birth. Tommy Girl is legally scrapping with Bauer over a June 2012 cover story about how he “abandoned” Suri the same way sanity and reason abandoned his brain after he joined those crazy alien whores in Scientology. Now, even more bits from Tommy’s September 9th deposition, which was made public, are coming out.
People says that Tommy admitted to not seeing Suri for 100 days after Katie quit his ass in 2012. Tommy blamed it on his work schedule and when asked why he didn’t take Suri to her first day of school, he said that she never brought up. Bauer’s lawyers also brought up Scientology and in a shocking turn of events, that didn’t make Tommy’s glib-detecting eyeballs fall out of his head. When Bauer asked Tommy if Katie left him because she wanted to get Suri away from his Church of Crazies, his E.T. butt plug popped out of his ass a bit as he said:
“Listen, I find that question offensive. I find it, those statements offensive. Like with any relationship, there are many different levels to it. You know, I, I find it very offensive. There is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.”
Okay, so Bauer’s lawyers rephrased the question as Tommy tried to use his powers of telekinesis to drop a ceiling tile on their heads. They asked if Scientology was one of the reasons why Katie dropped divorce papers on the bobbing head of one of his male slaves (she wanted to drop the papers on his lap but that bobbing head was in the way). Tommy answered with:
“Did she say that? That was one of the assertions, yes. There are many other aspects to the divorce.”
Bauer’s lawyers asked Tommy if Scientology considers Katie as a Suppressive Person (aka an enemy of L. Ro’s):
“That is a distortion and simplification of the matter. I don’t want to just give an oversimplification of religious doctrine.”
Damn that crazy bitch is in deep. I bet Bauer’s lawyer sat back and silently wondered, “Should Suppressive Person or Religious Doctrine be the name of my weekend band?” I bet that everybody in the room could hear the Thetans on his anus screeching in burning pain as his throbbing ass lips burned up over that question. Oh, to be a Thetan on Tommy’s body (not his b-hole) during that deposition. Bitch sounds wound up and more insane than usual. Somebody give him a Xanax and tell him it’s just a really weird looking piece of barley.
Radar says that in the lawsuit, Tommy’s lawyers also accused Katie and the people around her of leaking stories to the tabloids and calling the paps for photo-ops with Suri. Tommy’s publicist Amanda Lundberg says that Katie’s friends, makeup people and publicist Leslie Sloane passed stories to InTouch to make him look like a shit dad and make her look like a wonderful mother. Amanda claims that an editor friend told her that Katie’s business partner Jeanne Yang was one of the main leaks and constantly gave the tabloids stories. Amanda also accused Katie’s people of having the paps on speed dial:
“[Katie's publicist] calls the paparazzi every time K gets ready to leave the building as the doormen are always surprised how they suddenly show up when she is about to leave.”
Tommy’s people brought up the time when InTouch ran a story about how Katie was upset because Tommy wasn’t there on Suri’s first day of school. Amanda says that Tommy was filming in London and never promised to take Suri to school on her first day. Amanda asked Katie’s people to put out a statement saying that shit is a lie, but she got crickets and tumbleweeds back.
Oh, how I wish this deposition was live streamed on the Internet, because I’ve been missing my daily dose of legal theatrics ever since Lindsay Lohan kept her fuck ups on the down low and has managed to break records by not getting into trouble. It sounds like Tommy put on a terrifying show!
What I got from the pieces of the deposition I read is that Tommy somehow managed to not see Suri for 100 days straight even though he’s got a fleet of hovercopters and teleporters in his garage. And what I also got from this is that Tommy’s publicist is kind of mad that Katie’s team is using their “call the paps to get a photo-op with Suri” move. That’s THEIR move, thankyouverymuch.
Nicole Kidman’s on the cover of December’s anti-GOOP journal Vanity Fair looking about as human and alive as a Styrofoam wig head with painted-on eyes and lips. Because hearing about how Nicole Kidman spends her days in Tennessee touching up Keith Urban’s highlights as her chirrun pack her face with dry ice so she doesn’t melt IS BORING, Vanity Fair’s contributing editor Sam Kashner asked her what it was like being Tommy Girl’s longest-running beard wife. Nicole said that being married to the world’s most famous crazy alien leprechaun was a lot like living in a bubble. I think she meant that literally, because I’m pretty sure the Scientologists kept her in a plastic bubble so when she ran for the exit she wouldn’t be able to fit through the doorway.
“There is something about that sort of existence that, if you really focus on each other and you’re in that bubble, it’s very intoxicating, because it’s just the two of you. And there is only one other person that’s going through it. So it brings you very close, and it’s deeply romantic. I’m sure Brad and Angelina have that—because there’s nobody else that understands it except that person who’s sleeping right next to you.”
“….or in my case, the person sleeping six rooms down from you because VAGINA.”
The ice-covered Australian mannequin went on to say that she loves living in Tennessee, far, far away from the fuckery of Hollywood, and being there makes her forget that she’s famous. But then again, Nicole Kidman’s memory isn’t so great ever since she refused to negotiate her marriage contract with Tommy and men in alien masks and white lab coats removed the part of her brain that remembers witnessing what goes down in the Scientology bath house.
“Having experienced extreme fame and now getting to a place where it’s not so dominating in my life, I’m always surprised when I go somewhere and people know who I am.” She explains that when it’s seen through the eyes of her children “it jars me again, because they ask, ‘Why do they want a photo?’ and ‘Why is that person saying hello to you when you don’t know them?’ All of that stuff has to be explained to a five-year-old. So I see it through a different perspective.
There’s an enormous amount you have to give up if you want to have a family. You can have a certain career, but you can’t be living in Hollywood, [where] absolutely everything, everything revolves around it. That wasn’t my choice. I’d rather revolve around somebody else’s career and then still find my own. [I love living in Nashville] because I can kind of have a very odd, idiosyncratic kind of path. I have stepped away from the fame part of it. I didn’t find what I was looking for in fame. So I went, O.K., this is not for me. And it was such a blessing that I found somebody who said, ‘Well, are you willing to move to Tennessee?’ And I was ‘Oh, am I willing to move!’”
And believe it or not, but an alien-worshipping crazy bitch isn’t going down in history as the great love of Nicole Kidman’s life.
“And you know, with no disrespect to what I had with Tom, I’ve met my great love now. And I really did not know if that was going to happen. I wanted it, but I didn’t want it for a while, because I didn’t want to jump from one relationship to another. I had a lot of time alone, which was really, really good, because I was a child, really, when I got married. And I needed to grow up.”
Keith Urban’s probably sitting there with a twinkly smile on his face, because he thinks that she’s talking about him. But sorry to dim the sparkle in your highlights, Keith. When Nicole Kidman said that she’s met the great love of her life, she lovingly glanced over and winked at the 20 gallon jug of Botox she lugs around just in case the glimmer of a wrinkle shows up on her mug.
The fissure on humanity’s ass lips that refuses to heal, Chris Brown, was once again showing everyone that he’s a completely changed person and isn’t a mutated throbbing taint pimple that regularly explodes into a douche geyser of rage. And by that, I mean the opposite. TMZ says that The Difficult Brown was put into handcuffs in DC early this morning after he punched a dude in the face outside of the W Hotel. The dude apparently photo bombed a picture that Chris was taking with two women. I know, the most shocking part of all of this is that Fist Brown knocked out a dude and not one of the two women. (“See, my baby is changing!” – Mom Breezy)
TMZ says that around 4:30 am, Chris Brown and his bodyguard were hanging outside of the W Hotel when two women asked to take a picture with him. Right before the picture was about to be taken, two dudes, who don’t know Fist Brown, jumped in and that made Chris say to them, “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing,” before punching one in the face. They brawled on the ground for a bit before the fight was broken up and the cops showed up. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard were arrested for felony assault and the cops claim Chris wasn’t under the influence of anything mind altering. He was only under the influence of Chris Brown which is the worst drug of them all. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard are sitting in jail right now and they’ll stay there until they face a judge tomorrow morning.
The dude who felt the wrath of The Difficult Brown was taken to the hospital. His nose is broken and he may need surgery. He told TMZ that if Fist Brown would’ve apologized to him afterward, he would’ve taken it and moved on, but since that didn’t happen, he will press charges. The Difficult Brown is still on probation and “breaking a dude’s nose” is considered a violation, so he could go to the clink for up to four years. But back to that ridiculous “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing” shit….
The Difficult Brown went on to say, “You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes.” So taking a picture with dudes equals “gay shit“? The rage, the meth and the dirty enema water running through his veins must’ve eaten up whatever is left of his brains, because I don’t even know what that means. And every time The Difficult Brown pulls some shit like this, I take it as him begging the justice system to please throw him in a building with a bunch of locked-up, sexually frustrated men.
But seriously, I’m sure The Difficult Brown never said that shit. I mean, how can he be a homophobe when he’s an ambassador for equality?!
The new single is apart of my “UNITY CAMPAIGN” which encourages all races, genders, sexes, (everyone) gay or straight to love each other!
— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) June 13, 2013
UPDATE: Someone in Team Difficult Brown tells TMZ that the dudes weren’t photo bombing a pic, they were trying to get on Chris Brown’s bus.
A single tear of Botox dripped out of Tori Spelling’s eye and rolled down her shellacked clay face the other day when she cried to People about how she and her husband Dean McDermott are so broke that they don’t even have enough money to pay for his sperm tube to get snipped. But Dean tells UsWeekly that the words of woe that dribbled out of Tori’s 100% man-made lips weren’t true. Dean says that they’re fine financially and he could “probably” put together enough cash to stop the baby batter from shooting out of his peen. Dean said:
“Right now things are going well. I have several exciting projects in the works. Our show Dean and Tori’s Backyard Bash just re-aired to great ratings, I’ll be the new host of Chopped Canada and I have my first cookbook coming out — The Gourmet Dad, in the spring. Tori’s book (Spelling It Like It Is) just launched this week and things are good.
Could we afford a vasectomy? Probably. Was it a tougher time for us financially? Yea. For sure. That’s just the truth of it — it’s the nature of this business,” he explains of their woes in recent months.Sometimes things are awesome, sometimes they’re just not. But it’s about how we tackle things as a couple, as a family. And we do a pretty good job of that. Right now we have so many cool things going on — we’re in an uptick.”
You know how sometimes one of your relatives will call you and whine about how they’re so poor that they’re eating tomato soup made with ketchup packets they stole from McDonald’s and it’s their way of letting you know that they need a loan they have no intention of paying back? My guess is that Tori was doing the fame whore version of that. She cried to People about how she was broke so her multi-millionaire mom could send her a little wire, honey. I never really believed that Tori and Dean’s checking account was flatlining. Because if it was, do you think Dean would still be there? Dean took vows and those vows were: “‘Til death or a negative ATM balance does us part.” Bitch would’ve been out of there. And I doubt he’s going to get that vasectomy, because he never knows when the money will dry up and he’ll have to knock up his next sugar mama.
Since Keeping Up With The Kartrashians’ ratings have fallen lower than Pimp Mama Kris‘ sense of dignity and the whole “Lamar Odom is a crackhead” thing isn’t getting her the attention she wants, she decided to get some easy press by announcing that she’s finally released her prisoner of 22 years Bruce Jenner. As Bruce Jenner secretly called Katie Holmes to ask for a safe underground place to stay since she knows all about hiding out from dark-sided powers that be, PMK farted out this statement to E!:
“We are living separately and we are much happier this way. But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”
Translation: “I’ve already sucked the life out of his entire being and left him with a face that looks like salmon jerky lasagna, so I don’t need his ass anymore. I can’t wait to destroy him in the court of TMZ! ”
We should all brace our eyeballs, souls and spirits, because we’re not ready for the inevitable PMK dating reality show, PMK sex tape and PMK basically humping on any semi-famous boy toy to get even more attention. Hmmm, I hear George Zimmerman is single now…
This story is about the Jackson, so it’s the perfect time to post this gorgeous Sears Portrait Studio portrait of Detective La Toya, Rebbie, Katherine and Janet looking like she doesn’t want to be there and can’t wait to run her ass off to Dubai to get away from her entire family.
A jury in L.A. came back today and said that concert promoters AEG Live were not responsible for Michael Jackson’s death and his kids and his mother Katherine Jackson don’t deserve a single penny. The Jackson family threw a $1.5 billion lawsuit at AEG Live, because they believe that if AEG Live never hired Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson would still be alive today and Blanket Jackson would still be wearing a butterfly mask to go get froyo. AEG Live was producing MJ’s “This Is It” tour and attorneys for the family argued that the company only saw him as a moonwalking ATM (“Ohmygawd, I did too! Twinsies!” – Joe Jackson) and hired a crooked doctor who eventually gave him a fatal dose.
The trial started in April and the jury heard all kinds of shit about MJ’s private life and how he’s the one who told his caretakers to keep giving him more drugs. The jury deliberated for three days and ultimately decided that although AEG Live hired and supervised Dr. Conrad Murray, the only person responsible for Michael Jackson’s death is Michael Jackson. Even though Dr. Con was convicted of manslaughter 2 years ago, this jury felt like he was fit and competent to perform the work that AEG hired him to do. Gregg Darden, the jury foreskin (typo and it stays), told reporters outside of the court house:
“There are really no winners in this. Somebody had to die for us to be here. … It was really a tragic situation. We felt [Conrad Murray] was competent. That doesn’t mean we felt he was ethical. If ethical was in the question, it might have been a different outcome. In the end, he was very unethical. He did something he shouldn’t have done. “
The family wanted somewhere between $1 billion to $2 billion in damages.
I didn’t really follow the case at all and it sounds like the Jacksons really didn’t have a chance, but I’m still going to give the jury’s verdict 5 out of 5 sad Bubbles.
I’m giving their verdict 5 out of 5 sad Bubbles, because think of all the stunning diamond and gold-encrusted detective coats La Toya would’ve worn if she had a billion dollars. Damn you, jury!
While the two out of three Jonas Brothers came out as being one hundred percent pussy lovers (HAHAHAHAHA), Michelle Rodriguez tells Entertainment Weekly (via UsWeekly) that the media’s always wondering if she rubs her punane against another punane or rubs it against a hard dick and the answer is: both. MRod says that in movies she usually plays a butch bitch who can suck a twat until it turns into a raisin, so she understands why people thinks she’s a lesbian. But in real life she’s bi-sexual. Clutch your anal beads!
“I’ve never walked the carpet with anyone, so they wonder: What does she do with her vagina? Plus, I play a butchy girl all the time, so they assume I’m a lesbo. Eh, they’re not too far off. I’ve gone both ways. I do as I please. I am too f–king curios to sit here and not try when I can. Men are intriguing. So are chicks.”
One of my favorite phrases of 2011 was “Mitchie loves sausage” and MRod gave that us when she denied that she’s a card carrying members of the gayelles. So, on one hand it’s nice that MRod is saying what everyone has already known, but on the other hand I’m sad she didn’t take the opportunity to update one of my favorite phrases by saying, “Mitchie loves sausage and fish. She’s a surf and turf kind of ho.”
Seen above using her dark-sided, mind-reading powers to suck Lamar Odom’s Twitter password from the memory bin in his brain, Pimp Mama Kris and her kreatures are probably the ones who wrote the tweet where he slapped at his father and praised the Kardashian Klan. A couple of days ago, Lamar’s father Smack Daddy Joe Odom injected a large load of YES into the largest vein on my soul when he called Pimp Mama Kris an “evil bitch” who never cared about his son and is spreading lies. The next day, Lamar suspiciously came out of hiding and defended PMK and the rest of the Kartrashians on Twitter.
Won’t continue 2 speak on this but I have got 2 let this out real quick. I have let this man and many others get away with a lot of shit. He wasn’t there 2 raise me. He was absent ALL of my life due to his own demons. My mother and grandmother raised me. Queens raised me. For the first time since they left, came a blessing of a FAMILY that I married into. FAMILY. That man wasn’t even invited to my wedding. He has never met my mother in law and some of my other family. How can a man who has NOT once called me to check on my well being have the nerve to talk so recklessly about his own “son”. He is my downfall! His own demons may be the ONLY thing he gave 2 me. He disrespecting the ONLY FAMILY that has loved me without expecting anything in return. They are the ONLY ones that have been here consistently 4 me during this dark time. Only person 2 blame is myself. Say what you want about me but leave the ones who have done nothing but protect and love me out of this! This goes to out to everyone!
“…has loved me without expecting anything in return.” I really have to give kredit where kredit is due. PMK was able to type out that absurd shit without kackling herself into a koma. And she was able to do it while a hollowed butt plug containing Lamar’s soul was shoved up her kulo. She’s a genius.
Sources close to Lamar tell TMZ that he couldn’t have tweeted out that tweet, because he’s currently living the Charlie Sheen life by holing himself up in an Internet-free crack house 100 miles away from L.A. Lamar is extra paranoid that people are watching him, so he doesn’t have Internet. Lamar thinks his phone is tapped, so he’s only on it for 15 seconds at a time. Anytime somebody comes to visit, he takes their phone. So Lamar didn’t write the tweet and he doesn’t even know that his dad slammed the Kartrashians again.
The sources also say that Lamar’s got two 20-something crack skanks living with him. All he does all day is smoke crack, listen to rap music, bone one of his crack skanks and send his driver out to get more crack. (“That’s EXACTLY what my average day is like!” – the Mayor of Toronto) Lamar is afraid he’s going to get caught smoking crack, so he uses an app that deletes the texts he sends after they’re read and lets him know if a screen shot of his text was taken. (Note to sext-happy Anthony Weiner: You should probably get that app.)
I don’t know if I believe either of these stories. I thought PMK was leaking anti-Lamar stories to TMZ, so why would she leak a story about how he didn’t write that tweet? Maybe she did it to throw us off her story-leaking trail. THE MIND GAMES! I know, if you asked me what I think about Syria, I’d look at you as though you were speaking Korean in Pig Latin. But if you asked me who I think is leaking stories about Lam Lam to TMZ, I’d spit out a 10,000 word konspiracy theory. My teachers are proud.
UPDATE: Aaaaaand now TMZ is saying that Lamar did tweet that ode to the Kardashians. Apparently, Lamar called the Kardashians before he tweeted that note of praise. Lamar wanted them to know he was about to tweet it. Kim, PMK, Khloe and Kourtney were all on speaker when he called. This means that TMZ and PMK are back together again. All is well now!
And here’s Khlozilla showing us what it would look like if a Sasquatch mated with a Predator while filming KUWTK with the slow one and the slow one’s daughter yesterday.
When that picture of Robin Thicke getting a handful of socialite/student Lana Scolaro’s ass made the rounds, you just knew that she would do an interview with some tabloid, which would would lead to a spread in Girls & Corpses magazine, which would lead to a “leaked sex tape,” which would lead to a regular spot on Vh1′s upcoming reality show R&B Groupies, which would lead to her putting out a make-up line for the party girl who wants her tar-made eyeliner to last 40 days and 40 nights. Well, Lana Scolaro is on step one of that fame whore journey.
Lana told Life & Style what happened the night that Robin Thicke got the scent of her ass on his fingertips. 20-year-old Lana says that she met Robin at a friend’s party a week before the VMAs. At the VMAs after-party at 1Oak, Robin sashayed up to Lana and dropped a pick-up line he obviously stole from PedoBear. Robin supposedly said:
“I just love the fact that you’re so young.”
What kind of To Catch A Predator crap is that? That sounds exactly like a line Chris Hansen read off of a chat transcript between a pedo and a decoy. It also sounds like something a chef would say to a dead calf before making veal chops.
Lana said that Robin’s hands stuck to her for most of the night and his wife Paula Patton was at the party too. Lana told Robin that she didn’t want to hook up with him, because he’s married and he told her that Paula is “chill” and will totally talk to her. After the party, Lana, Robin and Paula got into his car and went to another party in a suite at the Greenwich Hotel. Robin and Lana were all over each other on the couch and then she went to the bathroom:
“I went to the bathroom, and when I came out he was standing there. He turned off the lights so no one could see us, and he started making out with me. He was grabbing me. He was like, ‘I want to get you into bed!’”
They didn’t get into bed. They kept getting interrupted and when the party got broken up at 8 in the morning, Robin gave Lana his number and said that they’d see each other again during New York Fashion Week.
Blind items have told me for a while that Robin Thicke and Paula Patton’s marriage is wide open and now it all makes sense. If Robin uses lines like “I just love the fact that you’re so young” to pick up a trick, imagine the crap he says while boning. (No, don’t or you may cringe yourself inside/out). Paula has lived through years of hearing lines like that, so she’d rather smoke a joint in the corner by herself while Robin dribbles those lines into another ho’s ear for once.
(Pic via Instagram)
I say “former,” because the Crazy Rhubarb Lady is currently America’s Sweetheart, obviously.
Julia Roberts half-sister, Nancy Motes, tells The New York Daily News that part of her decision to have gastric bypass surgery 3 years ago had a lot to do with her sister making fun of her fatness for most of her life. Nancy and Julia both could knock corn out of a cob just by flaring their ten tons of TEEFS at it, but their physical similarities pretty much end there. Nancy says that Julia was always tall and skinny and she was always the opposite of that. Just like a lot of abuelitas and bitchy skinny siblings, Julia always let Nancy know she was chunkilicious and needed to replace the “eat” and “love” in Eat, Pray, Love with “diet” and “exercise.”
“When I was in high school and she was an adult, she would just let me know that I was definitely overweight. She would make it quite clear to me and in a not-so-nice a manner. It just makes me feel incredibly hurt and very sad.”
Nancy, who is 8 years younger than Julia, says that after high school she moved to Los Angeles to become an actress like her half-sister and her other siblings Eric Roberts and Lisa Roberts. But Julia told her that she was too overweight to be an actress. Nancy took her ass back to Georgia and moved into her mom’s basement. Nancy later moved back to L.A. and Julia helped her get a job as a production assistant on Glee. Nancy says that she got the sads in a major way while in L.A. and her weight hit 289 pounds. Around that time, Julia made a joke about her weight and Nancy told her to fuck off.
Nancy got gastric bypass three years ago and now she weighs 155 pounds. Nancy hopes that her relationship with Julia will be a little bit better now that she’s skinnier. (In other words, Nancy hopes that they can have a better relationship now that Julia can’t call her a fat ho anymore.)
“I think we’re both trying to change our opinions of each other. It’s a work in progress. It’s not going to be fixed overnight, nor do I think it’s going to be fixed at this point by me just getting skinny. My family, we love each other absolutely. I love Julia absolutely, and I have no doubt she loves me.”
And I have no doubt that Julia is going to have Nancy blacklisted from Hollywood FOREVER for spilling the not-at-all-secret fact that she’s an asshole. But what I’ve really learned from this is that America’s Sweethearts was a biopic and Julia played Nancy and Catherine Zeta-Jones played Julia. America’s Sweethearts IS real life.