The Quiverfull movement had reason to rejoice anew yesterday. A new Duggar baby portal was officially dedicated. By that, I mean Jinger Duggar got married, and it’s only a matter of time before her uterus is bringing forth multitudes to continue her family’s quest to overrun the planet.
As Jinger Duggar fulfills her Duggar destiny by picking out a weddin’ dress and daydreaming about the magical 30 seconds of sex that will happen on her wedding night, Josh Duggar might soon be picking out a divorce lawyer and daydreaming of all the ways he can fake sick and get out of a court appearance. A source tells In Touch (via The Daily Mail) that Anna Duggar is done being married to her sister-touching, Ashley Madison-trolling husband.
In “this has happened before and it will happen again and again and again and again” news, the Duggars are adding another member to the family tree whose branches need to be reinforced with steel beams to hold all of them up. The expression “the sky is blue” needs to be permanently replaced by “a Duggar is pregnant,” because sometimes the sky isn’t blue, but a Duggar is almost always growing a baby in her body.
Back when gross human tater tot Josh Duggar was still trolling for extramarital coochie online, he didn’t use a real picture of himself on his online profiles. Maybe it was because he was afraid potential hookups would recognize him as one of the stars of TLCs 19 Kids and Counting and rat him out to the press. Maybe he was afraid they might not want to bang a dude whose face gives off the impression that he would definitely give you the creepiest back massage you’ve ever received. Whatever the reason, Josh Duggar decided to use someone else’s picture. Well, that person is now suing him.
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s fourth-oldest daughter Jinger Duggar is only 22 years old, but in Duggar years that’s practically ancient. She’s only got a few more years before her uterus shrivels up and lays back in a rocking chair to watch Matlock reruns while trying to open up hard candies. So Jinger better git on that, and she is!
If you’ve got a “Free Jinger” t-shirt, go ahead and cross out “Jinger” and scribble “Jana” on it.
Jinger Duggar was one of the Duggars that people hoped would escape the baby farm of cult craziness in the dead of night and run off to NYC where she’d change her name to Ginger, move in with a gay struggling actor and get a job as a nanny to a rich bitch, but that’s not going to happen. Jinger Duggar’s uterus has begun screaming the chorus to ABBA’s SOS, because if everything goes according to plan, she’ll soon be coochie belching up babies by the dozen.
The Duggars have a new TLC shit show called Counting On to whore out and so they have given People the news that 22-year-old Jinger Duggar and 28-year-old Jeremy Vuolo have begun courting. Their “courting” will be shown on the new season of their show. “Courting” is at the top of the list of words that make me heave along with “CROCS,” “Uggs,” “moist,” “shingles,” “taxes” and “Kardashian.”
Jeremy is a graduate of Syracuse University and he played professional soccer in the US and Europe before leaving the game to devote his life to spreading the word of the Lord like his pastor father. Jeremy is friends with Jinger’s sister and brother-in-law, Jessa and Ben Seewald, and he met his current side hugging partner during a missionary trip last May. You know Jim Bob Duggar busted a nut over the fact that Jeremy’s name starts with a “J.”
A Duggar isn’t officially courting until they’ve used the “news” to get attention, so Jinger and Jeremy made an awkward-as-hell announcement video. Their mouths say, “we’re happy,” but their eyes say, “heeeeelp me.”
Hmmm.. I have a question after watching that video. If Jinger’s face accidentally brushes up against Jeremy’s juicy tit when they side hug, does that count as half-motorboating, and if so, does half-motorboating go against the laws of courting?
Most of the Duggar husbands look like strung out polyps, so at least Jinger got stuck with a hot one. And yes, I’d hit that, sideways, of course.