If I haaaaaad to pick a favorite Duggar (and there are plenty to pick from ), I would have to say it was Jessa Duggar Seewaldd, even if my reasons are all based on a lie. Back when she married her boyfriend, now-husband Ben Seewald, they waited to have their first kiss (EVER!) in private. There was a brief report that by first kiss in private, they also meant first hide the Old Testament in private, since a guest claims they were caught boning in a room at their church since a Duggar woman is supposed to churn out children like your local Little Caesars cranks out Hot ‘n Ready pizzas.
As with all great stories, that ended up being fake, and Jessa has split her time since popping out two kids (one who put all wacky celeb-named kids to shame by being named Spurgeon) and defending her garbage brother. Well, there’s a fundamentalist Christian child army throne to seize, so Jessa is out with news of her third pregnancy.
If you’re anything like me you have heard of the Duggar family but can’t really be bothered to keep up with them, but fear not though, you can definitely depend on the Duggars to whore out all the details to the media when one of them spawns.
Entertainment Weekly reports that this time around the newest Duggar is a Dillard from damn 26-year-old Jill Duggar Dillard, sired by 28-year-old Derek Dillard and is their second kid. They announced she was knocked up with the 490,978,999th Duggar last December. The devout Dillards disseminated their delight on their family blog:
We are excited to finally announce the arrival of Samuel Scott Dillard! The newest addition to our family arrived on Saturday, July 8, 2017 at 1:02pm. He weighs 9lb 10oz and is 22″ long. After 40 of labor, he was delivered via C-section at the hospital. Thank you for your continued prayers and support!
Jill spent 70 hours in labor while giving birth to her first child, 2-year-old Israel David Dillard, and she also had a C-section. Who knows how long labor took this time around, but I’m sure we’ll find out when TLC covers it in a very special episode of Jill and Jessa: Counting On. Like Jill and Derek said, I’m sure people are continuing to pray, pray that little Samuel Scott learns to walk right away so he can ran away from the Duggars including Uncle Josh. But before he goes, he should thank his mom and dad for not naming him Lebanon or Palestine.
The Duggars are that family of multitudes wherein all the women are raised to function solely as life support systems for wombs (and occasionally also having to function as apologists for their brother if he happens to sexually abuse them, allegedly). The Manson Family is less creepy. The latest Duggar girl to be married off, Joy-Anna Duggar, wed Austin Forsyth yesterday.
Two years ago, InTouch Weekly took the volume out of Michelle Duggar’s teased-to-the-ends-of-earth hair when they reported that her rotten potato of a son, Josh Duggar, had been investigated for child molestation when he was a teenager. The names of his five victims were kept from public eyes, but it later came out that some of his victims were his own sisters. Jessa and Jill Duggar (seen above with Jill’s serial killer transient-looking ass husband) later said in a Fox News interview that they were two of Josh’s victims and they have forgiven him. Jessa and Jill may have forgiven that dark-sided, child-touching Porky Pig, but I guess they’re still mad at InTouch Weekly, the City of Springdale, Arkansas and the police, because they’re suing them all for breach of privacy.
Incestuous wonder (it’s a wonder why his ass isn’t in jail) Josh Duggar and his wife Anna have revealed via The Duggar Family blog post that they’re expecting their fifth child. Ok, we’re going to need Team Pussy Grabs Back to stage some sort of feminist commando raid on the Duggar House of Horrors and snatch Anna’s ass out of there, because this ain’t right.
It’s been about 15 months since we learned that 24-year-old Jessa Seewald and her 21-year-old husband Ben Seewald committed a heinous act of cruelty against their own human baby by naming the poor kid Spurgeon Elliot Seewald. The good news for Spurgeon is that when he goes to Starbucks in the future and he tells the barista his name, they’ll say, “Oh shit, I’m sorry, this drink’s on me.” And when he tells them that he’s also a Duggar, they’ll say, “Oh fuck, you know, here’s everything from our tip box, take it and put it toward changing your name and getting away from those crazies.”
In the time since Jessa and Ben named their son Spurgeon (SPURGEON!), she continued her family’s legacy of popping out as many humans as possible by getting pregnant with her second. The Duggar family’s newest fetus machine gave birth to a son this morning.