The Duggars are that family of multitudes wherein all the women are raised to function solely as life support systems for wombs (and occasionally also having to function as apologists for their brother if he happens to sexually abuse them, allegedly). The Manson Family is less creepy. The latest Duggar girl to be married off, Joy-Anna Duggar, wed Austin Forsyth yesterday.
Two years ago, InTouch Weekly took the volume out of Michelle Duggar’s teased-to-the-ends-of-earth hair when they reported that her rotten potato of a son, Josh Duggar, had been investigated for child molestation when he was a teenager. The names of his five victims were kept from public eyes, but it later came out that some of his victims were his own sisters. Jessa and Jill Duggar (seen above with Jill’s serial killer transient-looking ass husband) later said in a Fox News interview that they were two of Josh’s victims and they have forgiven him. Jessa and Jill may have forgiven that dark-sided, child-touching Porky Pig, but I guess they’re still mad at InTouch Weekly, the City of Springdale, Arkansas and the police, because they’re suing them all for breach of privacy.
Incestuous wonder (it’s a wonder why his ass isn’t in jail) Josh Duggar and his wife Anna have revealed via The Duggar Family blog post that they’re expecting their fifth child. Ok, we’re going to need Team Pussy Grabs Back to stage some sort of feminist commando raid on the Duggar House of Horrors and snatch Anna’s ass out of there, because this ain’t right.
It’s been about 15 months since we learned that 24-year-old Jessa Seewald and her 21-year-old husband Ben Seewald committed a heinous act of cruelty against their own human baby by naming the poor kid Spurgeon Elliot Seewald. The good news for Spurgeon is that when he goes to Starbucks in the future and he tells the barista his name, they’ll say, “Oh shit, I’m sorry, this drink’s on me.” And when he tells them that he’s also a Duggar, they’ll say, “Oh fuck, you know, here’s everything from our tip box, take it and put it toward changing your name and getting away from those crazies.”
In the time since Jessa and Ben named their son Spurgeon (SPURGEON!), she continued her family’s legacy of popping out as many humans as possible by getting pregnant with her second. The Duggar family’s newest fetus machine gave birth to a son this morning.
Today Jill Duggar and her cat-hating Deliverance-looking husband Derick Dillard announced on their personal website that she is knocked up with their second child. Of course it was accompanied with a cutesy family picture featuring a sign held by Jill and Derick’s first kid, 20-month-old Israel.
“Words can not describe how excited we all are that God has blessed us with another precious gift!
We are eager for another sweet Dillard baby to join our lives, and we know Israel will be a great big brother. Don’t forget to check back here often for updates on our family and our ministry and remember to tune in Counting On on TLC as this pregnancy unfolds! We are so excited!!!”
They also spoke to People magazine about their new baby. Jill says she’s due in July, that they’re “excited,” children are “a wonderful blessing from God” and that they can’t wait to meet the reason that Counting On will get picked up for another season.
Michelle Duggar better scoot on down to her craft room and start hot gluing some felt baby Jesuses on one of the six dozen spare stockings she keeps on hand in case of a pregnancy emergency. Because there’s going to be one more person celebrating Christmas at the Duggar Compound this year. What am I saying? Michelle’s got it covered. I bet she put aside at least 10 stockings the day Jill said “I do” to Derick. She’s probably already bought and wrapped several years worth of below-the-knee denim skirts and $5 vouchers to wherever the male Duggars get their busted haircuts done for all her future grandbabies. Michelle is on it.
I hope Michelle Duggar hasn’t already put away her giant trash bag of special occasion Dixie Moments plates, because she’ll soon have another wedding to get ready for. A little less than two weeks after the latest Duggar daughter officially started her journey as an inevitable baby-making machine, 19-year-old Joy-Anna Duggar announced that she has begun the family pre-marriage tradition of “courting.”
People says that Joy-Anna introduced her future fiancé during the wedding special Counting On: Jinger’s Wedding on Tuesday night. 22-year-old Austin Forsyth asked Joy-Anna to go a-courtin’ on a rock they once hung out on with their friends. I believe that’s also how some lizards choose a mate? Joy-Anna and Austin say they’ve known each other for 15 years, which I guess is kind of cute if you’re the person who likes to picture a 4-year-old and a 7-year-old getting married one day.
Joy-Anna and Austin’s courtship will probably turn into an engagement soon-ish. Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar probably have some kind of creepy homemade clock that they set every time one of their spawn get courtin’ that counts down the minutes until their kid can have the ultimate threesome (husband, wife, and the Holy Spirit watching from a chair in the corner) and make the next generation of spawn. The only reason the Duggar daughters get married so fast after courting is because their fiancés can only stand so much of Michelle’s pull-string baby doll voice squeak out the words: “Tick tock, we want more grandchiiiiiildrennnn!”