Phil Robertson Of “Duck Dynasty” Found Out He Has A 45-Year-Old Daughter From An Affair

The Duck Dynasty family (remember them?) is back in the news for reasons other than being homophobic. They’ve got a new member. But this isn’t a newborn baby. It’s a 45-year-old woman. It seems that Duck Commander, Phil Robertson, had a secret baby with a woman he cheated on his wife with and never knew about it. So it seems cheaters who don’t know about their children for 45 years are totally cool in Jesus’ eyes but the gays will absolutely go to Hell.

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“Duck Dynasty” Is Going Away After 11 Seasons

If whoever put together that masterpiece ad lost their job, may Mariah Carey’s Photoshop team hire them immediately because they have some next-level skills.

Cabela’s answer to ZZ Top (aka The Robertson family) pulled out their hunting rifles and shot down their show Duck Dynasty after 5 years and 130 episodes. All of the ducks in Louisiana did a celebratory conga line…. until they realized that only the show is gone, not the family and so they flew for their lives while trying to remember to not get horny when Phil Robertson blows his family’s mating call whistle.

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And Now For Some More Words Of Hillbilly Wisdom From Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson

In case you missed it, here’s a video from a 2009 Georgia Sportsmen’s Ministry event of the Rosa Parks of born again Christian rednecks, Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty, telling men to wife up a Bible-carrying 15-year-old, because they’re way more trainable and 20-year-olds are used-up gold digging whores. Phil could’ve been spitting out a joke, but you know he wasn’t since he started dating his wife when she was 14 and married her when she was 16. If you don’t want to watch that video, because Phil’s beard gives you the itches all over, here’s what he said:

“Look, you wait ’til they get to be 20 years old, the only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket. You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They’ll pick your ducks. You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course. Make sure that she can cook a meal… And make sure she carries her Bible. That’ll save you a lot of trouble down the road.”

THIS BITCH is such a goddamn stereotype. It’s almost as if he’s basing his life on a book he read titled “How To Pretend You’re A Backwoods Hillbilly In A Reality Show For Maximum Fame And Fortune.” Oh, wait…

So according to Phil, sticking your dick in the anus of a man who wants you to stick your dick in his anus will earn your soul a one-way ticket to the depths of hell, but pulling some grade A Jerry Lee Lewis shit is okay in the eyes of God. Got it.

Obviously, the 15-year-olds that Phil knows are totally different than the 15-year-olds I know. If he told my 15-year-old cousin to pick a duck and cook him a meal, she’d not-so-politely tell him to deep throat a butcher knife. Actually, she wouldn’t say that to his face. She wouldn’t take her hands off of her iPhone and five seconds later he’d get a text that reads: “GO EAT A TOILET TURD, CUNT! AND CAN I BORROW $40?” I want to see him tell my 15-year-old cousin to cook him a meal. He’d pray to God like he’s never prayed to God before.

A&E Takes Phil Robertson Off Suspension And Is Bringing Him Back To Duck Dynasty

A little over a week ago, A&E put Phil Robertson on restriction for spewing out some anti-gay shit about beautiful man anuses and for saying that black people weren’t singing the blues during the Jim Crow-era. The entire hillbilly-for-pay Robertson family threatened to walk away from Duck Dynasty if A&E didn’t unsuspend Phil and put him back on the show. Cracker Barrel pulled Duck Dynasty shit off their shelves, but put that shit back on their shelves six seconds later, because so many of their customers cried about it. All of your relatives on Facebook scrapped over it and everybody suddenly became a First Amendment rights lawyer and shit. After all that, A&E decided that they just can’t let Duck Dynasty go and they took Phil off hiatus and filming will begin again in the Spring. After A&E kissed on Phil’s man anus and made up with him, they released this eye roll-inducing statement:

As a global media content company, A+E Networks’ core values are centered around creativity, inclusion and mutual respect. We believe it is a privilege for our brands to be invited into people’s home and we operate with a strong sense of integrity and deep commitment to these principals.

That is why we reacted so quickly and strongly to a recent interview with Phil Robertson. While Phil’s comments made in the interview reflect his personal views based on his own beliefs, and his own personal journey, he and his family have publicly stated they regret the “coarse language” he used and the mis-interpretation of his core beliefs based only on the article. He also made it clear he would “never incite or encourage hate.” We at A+E Networks expressed our disappointment with his statements in the article, and reiterate that they are not views we hold.

But Duck Dynasty is not a show about one man’s views. It resonates with a large audience because it is a show about family… a family that America has come to love. As you might have seen in many episodes, they come together to reflect and pray for unity, tolerance and forgiveness. These are three values that we at A+E Networks also feel strongly about.
So after discussions with the Robertson family, as well as consulting with numerous advocacy groups, A&E has decided to resume filming Duck Dynasty later this spring with the entire Robertson family.

We will also use this moment to launch a national public service campaign (PSA) promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all people, a message that supports our core values as a company, and the values found in Duck Dynasty. These PSAs will air across our entire portfolio.

If that statement is labeled as TL;DR for you, then the short version is: Blah blah blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit we love MONAY too much to let Duck Dynasty go blah blah blah.

I’m guessing that A&E got the Robertsons to agree to a crossover episode of Duck Dynasty and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo where Uncle Poodle and Mama June teach Phil to not fear the man anus. It’ll air during sweeps.

And now those of us who never watched Duck Dynasty can continue to not watch Duck Dynasty. But I hope Fox News continues to have Sarah Palin on to talk about this crap, because it’s always comedy gold when she’s on:

Charlie Sheen Tweets His Hate For That Duck Dynasty Douche And Denise Richards

While the childhood of Charlie Sheens’ twins continues to be eaten by crack smoke as they act out by choking innocent dogs and little children, their father was focused on much more important matters: tweeting about Phil Robertson and Denise Richards. On Saturday, the warlock of crack chewed off Phil Robertson’s hillbilly beard with his gums, wiped his dirty ass with it and glued it back on Phil Robertson’s face. Charlie Sheen straight-up took a crack-laced shit in Phil Robertson’s jug of moonshine for spewing all that trash about man anuses. Charlie slapped at Phil the only way he knows how: with an eloquent open poem. Charlie’s open poem to Phil Robertson is long and you might have to swallow a cloud of crack smoke to fully understand it, but it is filled with a few coke-dusted gems. It’s after the cut. “Shower dodger” should totally be added to Kristen Stewart’s business card.  Continue reading