I see you, Duchess Meghan. Just one day after Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge nearly got sent to the gallows for committing an illegal royal act by partaking in some level 1 PDA at an event, she has done some damage control by giving a kid a few quid (she’s British now, she says “quid“) to distract all of us with some awww-ness by touching and pulling her luxurious princess hair. As I shake my head at this shameless move, Duchess Kate is probably seething her follicles, because she’s known as the Breck Girl of the royal family!
This isn’t any normal picture of Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry. Oh no, there’s something shocking happening here. I’ll give you a hint: it has nothing to do with Duchess Meghan’s scandalous bare shoulders or hat that looks like Spirograph’s failed attempt at 3D printing.
Most of them are staring up at the sky, because above them is a plane carrying a banner that reads: Sorry, Meghan, But Kate’s Dress Sold Out Before Yours. That explains why Duchess Kate is lighting up in the face like, “Check that, bitch, I’ve still got it!”
THE QUEEN wasn’t at her great-grandson Prince Louis’ hazing Christian ceremony yesterday, because well, she’s 92 years old and is tired of sleeping with her eyes open at yet another boring ass baptism. (Even the star of the show, Prince Louis, didn’t stay awake for that bore fest.) But THE QUEEN was back out there today at the 100th birthday celebrations of the Royal Air Force. THE QUEEN and the other ones (I cropped Princess Michael of Kunt out of that top pic because she’s Princess Michael of Kunt) took to the balcony of Buckingham Palace today to watch the RAF centenary, which she didn’t strain her royal neck to see, because she’ll watch it later on YouTube while getting drunk on sloe gin fizzes with her man.
Prince Louis’ eyes aren’t closed because he’s going mimi times. They’re closed because the hideous sight of Duchess Kate’s Jessica McClintock circa 1984 puffy sleeves and the mutilated doves on her head is hurting his poor innocent eyes.
11 weeks after Prince Louis left the royal vagine and entered a luxurious world where he never has to worry about late-fees, parallel parking or pissing in the kitchen sink because his roommate has been in the bathroom forever, he has been christened. Prince Louis was christening at the Chapel Royal in St. James’s Palace in London today. Prince Louis isn’t even 3 months old and I already like him, and only because it was his first day at work as a British royal and he slept on the job. The only shit he has to give is the one he caca’d into his silk poopin’ bloomers.
The new favorite game in jolly ol’ England is to count the ways Duchess Meghan is bringing the monarchy to its knees with her media-whoring family, her harlot sleeveless dresses, and her dastardly move to hop into the Royal Kia before THE QUEEN had a chance to park her royal keister. How dare that tart of an American woman! Well, now some are saying her latest imposter du jour move is ripped straight from the Madonna playbook because she greeted the people with what some are saying is a phony British accent. Luckily for all of you, I have watched this video approximately 30 times more than any reasonable human ever should and have PLENTY of thoughts! Continue reading
Thomas Markle is worried he’ll never see his precious daughter Duchess Meghan again now that she’s been captured by that evil ogre Prince Harry and imprisoned high up in a castle tower. The Royal couple never did make it to Mexico to visit the old man, and now The Mirror reports that Thomas is “heartbroken” and fears that he and Meghan may not “ever be together again”. Cue: your tears. Go! Go! This is you, you’re on! You’re supposed to be blubbering right now. But I guess if you’re a cold, heartless cynic, you might take Thomas sob story with a grain of salt.