Those of us who love drama love when Thomas Markle hits speed dial on his phone for one of the many press connections he’s made since his daughter Duchess Meghan started the process of becoming a member of the Royal family. An appearance by Thomas on a TV show or in The Sun is a good day for some, but not for Meghan and Prince Harry, who reportedly are at their wits end over what to do about her blabbermouth daddy.
When fifth-in-line to the crown Prince Louis arrived to St. James’s Palace for his Christening last week, his grand entrance wasn’t so grand. I was expecting some razzle-dazzle, like a Kensington Palace-branded t-shirt gun fired by Unky Harry. But all we got was Duchess Kate carrying a bundle of curtains with a sleeping Prince Louis inside, then later, a partially-awake Prince Louis. Obviously Prince Louis was saving the charm for the official portraits released after the show.
The world nodded approvingly when the Royal Ladies Squad showed up at the Wimbledon Championships on Saturday sans their balls and chains and the rest of that stuffy family, according to People. Duchesses Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle flashed peace signs and made goofy faces as they took silly selfies in the Royal Box, while THE QUEEN drunkenly demanded to know when “those fit blokes in the little arse-huggin’ shorts” were going to play. Ok, that didn’t happen. Kate and Meghan behaved like ladies and THE QUEEN couldn’t attend. She was too busy recovering from having to look at the one arse in the world that NO ONE wants to behold.
I see you, Duchess Meghan. Just one day after Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge nearly got sent to the gallows for committing an illegal royal act by partaking in some level 1 PDA at an event, she has done some damage control by giving a kid a few quid (she’s British now, she says “quid“) to distract all of us with some awww-ness by touching and pulling her luxurious princess hair. As I shake my head at this shameless move, Duchess Kate is probably seething her follicles, because she’s known as the Breck Girl of the royal family!
This isn’t any normal picture of Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry. Oh no, there’s something shocking happening here. I’ll give you a hint: it has nothing to do with Duchess Meghan’s scandalous bare shoulders or hat that looks like Spirograph’s failed attempt at 3D printing.
Most of them are staring up at the sky, because above them is a plane carrying a banner that reads: Sorry, Meghan, But Kate’s Dress Sold Out Before Yours. That explains why Duchess Kate is lighting up in the face like, “Check that, bitch, I’ve still got it!”
THE QUEEN wasn’t at her great-grandson Prince Louis’ hazing Christian ceremony yesterday, because well, she’s 92 years old and is tired of sleeping with her eyes open at yet another boring ass baptism. (Even the star of the show, Prince Louis, didn’t stay awake for that bore fest.) But THE QUEEN was back out there today at the 100th birthday celebrations of the Royal Air Force. THE QUEEN and the other ones (I cropped Princess Michael of Kunt out of that top pic because she’s Princess Michael of Kunt) took to the balcony of Buckingham Palace today to watch the RAF centenary, which she didn’t strain her royal neck to see, because she’ll watch it later on YouTube while getting drunk on sloe gin fizzes with her man.