So, let’s recap. Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge just had to smother our faces with the fact that they’re having lots of raw dogging fun by announcing that an heir has moved into her womb (or “Official Heir-Producing Property of the Royal Family” as THE QUEEN calls it). And then during their Australian tour, they further smothered our faces with their love by getting into all sorts of public displays of affection that can easily be labeled as: Goddammit, get a room already, haven’t we been through enough?!!!! Us crazed HotGingeopaths bravely dealt their heart-stabbing antics, because we thought that maybe just maybe PHG would throw us a ginger bone. Kind of like how Prince William assumed the position during a photo-op. Although, Willy could’ve kept that.
So loins probably tingled when PHG and Duchess Meghan paid a visit to Bondi Beach in Sydney today. Everything I know about Bondi Beach I learned from the nipple-hardening pictures of Hugh Jackman running around all hot and shirtless with his hot (and shirtless) trainer. So I figured that it was a law that all hot pieces must be topless when on Bondi Beach. But I guess not, because PHG showed up dressed like Jerry from accounting at a conference in Honolulu. A sad moment for us desperate pathetic hos who were hoping to be blinded by his glorious ginger nipples and blinding #FFFFFF hex color code body.
One day after Kensington Palace announced that Duchess Meghan was is pregnant with Prince Harry’s royal spawn, we’ve got Thomas Markle’s take on things. And of course Samantha Markle has something to say about it too.
Because Duchess Meghan just had to find another way to make us hard-up, desperate, pathetic Prince Hot Ginge-lovers seethe with jealousy by letting us know that she bareback bones him on the regular, she has announced today that she’s pregnant with the seventh in line to the British throne. But I may not be the only one whose chonies are twisted up in a knot of hate over this news. The bloomers of Princess Eugenie and The Original Fergie™ might be too, because the BBC says that Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge told THE QUEEN and other first tier royals the baby news on Friday at Eugenie’s wedding at Windsor Castle. No, I’m sure that Princess Eugenie and Fergie are just oh-so-happy with this news and will send 37-year-old Meghan and 34-year-old PHG a congratulations bouquet with a note saying that they should name their child Prince or Princess Attention Whore Of Sussex since the fetus stole poor Eugenie’s spotlight! I love it.
Samantha Markle is here to make it clear: she did not get turned away from Kensignton Palace. Sure, it looked like she was being told to step-the fuck aside and leave the premises before being escorted away, but that’s not at all what happened. Okay? She is a respectable member of the almost-Royal Family, okay? Samantha Markle is that bitch.
The Royal Family is just like us! Well, one is anyway. Some of us (cough) are so obsessed with the royals that we’ll still be getting up early on Friday to tune into a non-BBC channel for the T.J. Maxx Royal Wedding, er, the nuptials of Princess Eugenie and her cousin (distant cousin…but still) Jack Brooksbank. Duchess Camilla will be doing the same thing since her ass isn’t even going to the wedding! While I was hoping it was because she was petty and had the BBC’s rules of “Prince Charles offspring only” for worthy royal weddings, but I guess she has a busy day of shaking hands ahead of her.
Samantha Markle has made it her job to actively destroy what was left of her relationship with her half-sister Duchess Meghan. And then all of a sudden, Samantha had a change of heart (possibly brought on by a heart transplant from a too-kind donor), and announced last week that she decided to take a trip to London on a sisterly peacekeeping mission. Well, Samantha tried to visit Meghan, and got turned away.