In London right now, it’s apparently hotter and wetter than a b-hole exposed to shirtless pictures of Prince Hot Ginge. So a waterfall of sweat may be pouring out of your armpits just from looking at Prince William and Duchess Kate in stuffy clothes at Royal Ascot today, but fear not. I’m sure they wore frozen bloomers and nipple pasties, and mini air conditioning units were hiding under their hats. And if one droplet of sweat formed on their royal foreheads, the race would’ve been put on hold, and as the horses and jockeys slowly died of heatstroke while waiting on the track, Prince William and Duchess Kate would’ve cooled off in an air conditioned tent. So don’t sweat for them!
Today was day
two one of the Royal Ascot horse races and it brought out THE QUEEN and the royals who don’t really matter (read: the royals not named Prince Hot Ginge). Prince William and Duchess Kate wore stunning ensembles borrowed from a low-budget community theater production of My Fair Lady, and I’d like to think that at one point, DK screamed, “Move your bloomin’ arse,” at the horse she bet on.
Whenever I think of Royal Ascot, I think of Ladies Day (aka Refined Blossoms Day), so I was hoping to see pictures of a drunken Duchess Kate humping a trash can as a drunken THE QUEEN spanked her with a pocketbook. The closest I got to that was Duchess Kate nearly grabbing the Countess of Wessex’s chichis to stop her from falling.
— Kelly Mathews (@allthingsregal) June 20, 2017
Prince Philip was there and I don’t even want to know what he groaned out while watching that Countess-On-Duchess action.
After what felt like years and years of hearing about this wedding, Pippa Middleton, better known as the owner of the ass that stole her sister’s royal wedding and Kunty Karl’s favorite beauty, finally got married to that billionaire financier dude James Matthews at St Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire today. Now bring on the grainy cell phone pictures of a drunken and topless Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa’s reality douche bro-in-law Spencer Matthews fist bumping on the dance floor at the reception.
There was a story last month about how Pippa Middleton doesn’t want Meghan Markle upstaging her at her own wedding (like how Pippa’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate) so she’s thrown down a “no ring, no bring” policy to keep that spotlight stealer out. (Side note: “No [cock] ring, no bring” also sounds like a rule for a tantric sex orgy.) People says that Pippa’s wedding ceremony does have a “no ring, no bring” rule but that her wedding reception doesn’t, so the ex-blogger and ex-face of Reitmans is going to that as Prince Hot Ginge’s date. Meghan lucked out. The wedding ceremony is boring and Pippa’s will probably be extra boring. The reception is where it’s at. Free booze. Free cake. Free Jordan almonds. And at the end of the night, you can sneak off with your table’s centerpiece as everyone drunkenly dances to “Last Dance” on the dance floor.
Seen above doing the signature lifestyle blogger pose of sitting cross-legged on a cafe banquette while smiling at nothing in particular, Meghan Markle has closed up The Tig, the lifestyle blog she started in 2014. Don’t worry, readers of The Tig, there are approximately 500 billion other lifestyle sites that will tell you where to find the perfect gluten-free baked artisanal donut and will show you how to make the perfect wildflowers and mason jar centerpiece for your wedding reception. (SPOILER ALERT: To make the perfect wildflowers and mason jar centerpiece, throw some wildflowers in a mason jar, tie twine around that bitch and BOOM!)
Yesterday, Vanity Fair spit out a story from royal sources about how Duchess Kate is very displeased with the future King of England, her husband Prince William, for causing clits to throb and assholes to swoon with the sweet moves he laid down at a club in Switzerland. Duchess Kate was also not happy with Prince William tarnishing the legacy of the monarch by touching a stranger chick’s waist. Duchess Kate and Prince William made their first public appearance today since the SCANDAL that caused every one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis to clutch their collars.
Duchess Kate and Prince William worked overtime today and on a damn holiday! They put their smiling and waving skills to work at two events today, starting in London. They celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by meeting with Irish guards and sipping on a breakfast Guinness. That look on Duchess Kate’s face. She’s obviously thinking to herself, “Trick, don’t even sniff that booze, because when the alcohol gets in your system, the hot moves come out and I don’t want to see coochies squirting and cocks jizzing in this place.” That’s obviously what she’s thinking and he knows it.
After their St. Patrick’s Day photo-op, they traveled to Paris for a two-day visit. They started at the Elysee Palace where they met up with French President Francois Hollande. Prince William better prepare himself, because I have a feeling that Duchess Kate is going to get revenge on him by doing a little partying of her own. Duchess Kate is really going to show P. Willy up when she sips on a weak Sloe Gin Fizz before busting out The Running Man and The Rebook to a C + C Music Factory song. And I bet she’ll stay out until 10pm. Show him, D. Kat!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
That video of Prince William dancing whatever is left of his hair off at a club in the Swiss town of Verbier took me higher, but Duchess Kate apparently doesn’t love it and thinks it is very uncouth of him to act like that. Prince William totally has to sleep on the couch now, or he’ll sleep in one of the many lavish bedrooms in one of the many lavish estates his family owns. Either or.