In April 2018, the fifth in line to the British throne will make their way out of Duchess Kate’s womb royale, and you better not say shit when you watch her stumbling out of that goddamn Lindo Wing door while awkwardly holding a giant old skinny fat gay in Mary Janes, oversized baby bloomers and a lace bonnet. Don’t tell the bobbies that I paid off a Lindo Wing nurse to switch me and “The Michelle” of the royal children (Prince George is obviously The Beyonce). It might be my last chance to call Prince Hot Ginge “uncle” in person!
Duchess Kate has been battling morning sickness now that she’s expecting baby número tres, and I’m sure the Queen’s sunrise gin fumes aren’t helping matters. But that didn’t keep her from pulling a Nicole Kidman and getting personal with another dude in front of her man at Paddington Station this morning! Continue reading
Way back when, Charles Dickens penned A Tale of Two Cities, and it was all about how Parisians liked to bare their boobies in public, and Londoners preferred to keep them hidden behind turtlenecks like Diane Keaton in, well, just about anything. At least that’s what I think it was about.
Either way, Duchess Kate fumed way back in 2012 when French rag Closer Magazine published super-sketchy n00dz of her sunbathing topless in the south of France. Considering the most exciting thing she’d done at the time is show off that rock of Princess Diana’s that Prince William gave her as an engagement ring, Kate sent her lawyers (and probably a few of the Queen’s corgis for good measure) over to Paris to protect the sanctity of her privacy. She had a reputation to uphold! Well, Duchess Kate’s legal nipple fight is finally over.
The NY Daily News reports that, after several years, Kate has won! And thank GAWD! Bitch needed the cash. You don’t know how much it costs to keep that Royal weave in check and pay off all the snitches when William goes on vacation.
Kate is expected to rake in € 50,000 (or $59,500) from her lawsuit winnings, and apparently Prince William is expected to get the same. WTF?! What did he do? It was her royal nipples on display, not his sword of Windsor! I want retroactive criminal acts. French photogs, until you go back with your telephoto lenses and get high-res shots of William’s wiener from 30 miles away, you better not even THINK of shooting that check across the English Channel!
Back in July during a Royal visit to Poland, Duchess Kate cracked a joke after receiving a sleep toy for an infant that she and Prince William would just have to put the toy to use by having more babies. Well, look who took that joke seriously? Prince William must have dimmed the 16th Century chandeliers, lit a currant scone-scented candle (England’s most sensual candle choice), put on some dancing music, and romanced Duchess Kate into her third baby-making night. That’s totally how it went down, right?
Prince William and Princess Kate brought the kids with them on their European tour of Poland and Germany, and, well, maybe Princess Charlotte just really liked Angela Merkel?
Duchess Kate is going to regret putting her hand anywhere near her stomach from here on out, because it’s only a matter of time before the next round of “ROYAL BABY BUMP WATCH!!!” rumors start.