After what felt like years and years of hearing about this wedding, Pippa Middleton, better known as the owner of the ass that stole her sister’s royal wedding and Kunty Karl’s favorite beauty, finally got married to that billionaire financier dude James Matthews at St Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire today. Now bring on the grainy cell phone pictures of a drunken and topless Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa’s reality douche bro-in-law Spencer Matthews fist bumping on the dance floor at the reception.
There was a story last month about how Pippa Middleton doesn’t want Meghan Markle upstaging her at her own wedding (like how Pippa’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate) so she’s thrown down a “no ring, no bring” policy to keep that spotlight stealer out. (Side note: “No [cock] ring, no bring” also sounds like a rule for a tantric sex orgy.) People says that Pippa’s wedding ceremony does have a “no ring, no bring” rule but that her wedding reception doesn’t, so the ex-blogger and ex-face of Reitmans is going to that as Prince Hot Ginge’s date. Meghan lucked out. The wedding ceremony is boring and Pippa’s will probably be extra boring. The reception is where it’s at. Free booze. Free cake. Free Jordan almonds. And at the end of the night, you can sneak off with your table’s centerpiece as everyone drunkenly dances to “Last Dance” on the dance floor.
Seen above doing the signature lifestyle blogger pose of sitting cross-legged on a cafe banquette while smiling at nothing in particular, Meghan Markle has closed up The Tig, the lifestyle blog she started in 2014. Don’t worry, readers of The Tig, there are approximately 500 billion other lifestyle sites that will tell you where to find the perfect gluten-free baked artisanal donut and will show you how to make the perfect wildflowers and mason jar centerpiece for your wedding reception. (SPOILER ALERT: To make the perfect wildflowers and mason jar centerpiece, throw some wildflowers in a mason jar, tie twine around that bitch and BOOM!)
Yesterday, Vanity Fair spit out a story from royal sources about how Duchess Kate is very displeased with the future King of England, her husband Prince William, for causing clits to throb and assholes to swoon with the sweet moves he laid down at a club in Switzerland. Duchess Kate was also not happy with Prince William tarnishing the legacy of the monarch by touching a stranger chick’s waist. Duchess Kate and Prince William made their first public appearance today since the SCANDAL that caused every one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis to clutch their collars.
Duchess Kate and Prince William worked overtime today and on a damn holiday! They put their smiling and waving skills to work at two events today, starting in London. They celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by meeting with Irish guards and sipping on a breakfast Guinness. That look on Duchess Kate’s face. She’s obviously thinking to herself, “Trick, don’t even sniff that booze, because when the alcohol gets in your system, the hot moves come out and I don’t want to see coochies squirting and cocks jizzing in this place.” That’s obviously what she’s thinking and he knows it.
After their St. Patrick’s Day photo-op, they traveled to Paris for a two-day visit. They started at the Elysee Palace where they met up with French President Francois Hollande. Prince William better prepare himself, because I have a feeling that Duchess Kate is going to get revenge on him by doing a little partying of her own. Duchess Kate is really going to show P. Willy up when she sips on a weak Sloe Gin Fizz before busting out The Running Man and The Rebook to a C + C Music Factory song. And I bet she’ll stay out until 10pm. Show him, D. Kat!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
That video of Prince William dancing whatever is left of his hair off at a club in the Swiss town of Verbier took me higher, but Duchess Kate apparently doesn’t love it and thinks it is very uncouth of him to act like that. Prince William totally has to sleep on the couch now, or he’ll sleep in one of the many lavish bedrooms in one of the many lavish estates his family owns. Either or.
The first season of FX’s Feud, which is about the legendary diva battle between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, doesn’t start airing until this Sunday and we don’t know if it’s a hit or not. But FX has already given Ryan Murphy and company the okay to start working on season two of Feud. I was really hoping that season 2 would be Feud: Shannen and Jennie with Shannen Doherty as Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth as Jennie Garth (hey, if Gabrielle Carteris’ 30-year-old ass got away with playing a high schooler, then Shannen and Jennie can get away with playing their late-teen and twenty-something selves). Sadly, Ryan already said that Bette v. Joan would probably be the only Hollywood feud they cover, so they’re moving on to the royals. And double sadly, they’re not doing Prince George v. EVERYONE.