Yesterday, Vanity Fair spit out a story from royal sources about how Duchess Kate is very displeased with the future King of England, her husband Prince William, for causing clits to throb and assholes to swoon with the sweet moves he laid down at a club in Switzerland. Duchess Kate was also not happy with Prince William tarnishing the legacy of the monarch by touching a stranger chick’s waist. Duchess Kate and Prince William made their first public appearance today since the SCANDAL that caused every one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis to clutch their collars.
Duchess Kate and Prince William worked overtime today and on a damn holiday! They put their smiling and waving skills to work at two events today, starting in London. They celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by meeting with Irish guards and sipping on a breakfast Guinness. That look on Duchess Kate’s face. She’s obviously thinking to herself, “Trick, don’t even sniff that booze, because when the alcohol gets in your system, the hot moves come out and I don’t want to see coochies squirting and cocks jizzing in this place.” That’s obviously what she’s thinking and he knows it.
After their St. Patrick’s Day photo-op, they traveled to Paris for a two-day visit. They started at the Elysee Palace where they met up with French President Francois Hollande. Prince William better prepare himself, because I have a feeling that Duchess Kate is going to get revenge on him by doing a little partying of her own. Duchess Kate is really going to show P. Willy up when she sips on a weak Sloe Gin Fizz before busting out The Running Man and The Rebook to a C + C Music Factory song. And I bet she’ll stay out until 10pm. Show him, D. Kat!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
That video of Prince William dancing whatever is left of his hair off at a club in the Swiss town of Verbier took me higher, but Duchess Kate apparently doesn’t love it and thinks it is very uncouth of him to act like that. Prince William totally has to sleep on the couch now, or he’ll sleep in one of the many lavish bedrooms in one of the many lavish estates his family owns. Either or.
The first season of FX’s Feud, which is about the legendary diva battle between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, doesn’t start airing until this Sunday and we don’t know if it’s a hit or not. But FX has already given Ryan Murphy and company the okay to start working on season two of Feud. I was really hoping that season 2 would be Feud: Shannen and Jennie with Shannen Doherty as Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth as Jennie Garth (hey, if Gabrielle Carteris’ 30-year-old ass got away with playing a high schooler, then Shannen and Jennie can get away with playing their late-teen and twenty-something selves). Sadly, Ryan already said that Bette v. Joan would probably be the only Hollywood feud they cover, so they’re moving on to the royals. And double sadly, they’re not doing Prince George v. EVERYONE.
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
The Sunday Express has never lied to us (and by that I mean that the one time I posted a story from The Sunday Express, it turned out to be filled with LIES), so I don’t know what to believe anymore. They said months ago that Prince Hot Ginge’s full-time piece Meghan Markle had met up with Prince William and Duchess Kate and they both liked her. But now UsWeekly and The Sun are saying that Future Princess Meghan barely met Duchess Kate for the very first time last Tuesday. WHO TO BELIEVE? I won’t believe that Duchess Kate and Meghan Markle met for real until I see paparazzi pictures of Kate seeing if Meghan is ready for the job of a professional British royal by analyzing her hand-waving skills.
Everyone better put their pocketbooks in a prayer circle because a treasonous cold is still messing with THE QUEEN (exact medical term for THE QUEEN’s cold: acute viral morrisseyngitis) and she had to sit out of Christmas Day church service for the first time in decades.
So because his 90-year-old great-grandmum wasn’t there to make fun of Duchess Camilla’s tragic hat and ensemble with him, Prince George was probably extra bored. Proof of Prince George’s boredom: that picture above of him having to entertain himself with the candy of the peasants as everyone around him nervously tries to figure out ways to amuse him before he sends them all to the gallows!
The British royal family all got into their best Christmastime Downton Abbey cosplay today to do their annual pap walk into and out of St. Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire. The Middletons, including Pippa and her banker betrothed, were also there. Prince Hot Ginge disappointed me today, because he did not bring his girlfriend Meghan Markle, who I was hoping would show Duchess Kate up by wearing an amazingly elegant body bow, and he also didn’t put that ginger beard to good use by dressing up as Kris Kringle.
But well, at least we have Prince George throwing “your future king is not amused’ eyes while working a sharp-as-shit A-line coat, knee socks and little loafers.
Happy Whatever Your Ass Celebrates, everyone! May you spend your holiday sucking on a candy cane while judging everyone around you!