‘Tis the season for me to start getting IM’s messages from friends of yore asking me for my address so I can act surprised when I get a Christmas card in the mail with a picture of them, their spouse I’ve never met, and their “adorable” kids. It’s all so wholesome and earnest, and goes against my core beliefs. Still, I always hold on to them for a couple of weeks because I feel guilty about recycling them immediately. Sadly I didn’t get a text message from Kensington Palace this year, and I really wish I had because there’s nothing wholesome about the tingling sensation Prince William is giving me in his family portrait. If I was on the list, that card would be skipping the mantle and going straight to my bedside table.
The Sun Says That Prince Harry Once Accused His Brother Of Trying To Ruin His Relationship With Duchess Meghan
As you know Duchess Meghan has been terrorizing the poor innocent civilians working at the palace for some time now, and has even been making the Royal Family look at each other from the corner of their eyes while saying nothing because it’s impolite for royalty to bring up rudeness. Well that proper British passive-aggression may be wearing thin, honey.
The Sun is now saying that the royal drama started two years ago when Prince Harry and Prince William fought about Meghan. I guess since E! canceled The Royals the actual Royal Family are hoping to fill the vacuum.
I was under the impression that Duchess Kate’s legs only existed in an on-duty Royal capacity if they were wrapped in pantyhose and covered from the knees-up by a skirt. But what is this? Duchess Kate wore pants today, and she’s still here!
I regularly dream of Prince Hot Ginge being in a fairy tale. Specifically, being in this fairy’s tail. So this is not the fairy tale starring PHG I had in mind. This is a sad one, and made the impossible happen. It made actual wet tears trickle out of my once barren crying ducts. Picture it: sad Prince Hot Ginge sitting on a $40,000 Chippendale chair as a lucky minion uses a $600 Irish linen handkerchief to carefully dab the hot ginger tears on his cheeks while he sorrowfully looks out of the window and sings a sad, acoustic version of When Will My Life Begin from Tangled. Because according to some royal expert, PHG feels like he’s living in a prison. Yes, an opulent gilded prison with maids and cooks and a golden 17th century bidet that used to power-wash King George II’s nethers. But still, a prison! Weep for him!
If the Royal family was Mean Girls, I’d assume The Queen was Regina George, Duchess Kate was her Gretchen, Duchess Meghan was her Cady, and Camilla was the girl who saw The Queen wearing army pants and flip flops, so she went out and bought army pants and flip flops. But according to The Telegraph, (via The Daily Beast), it sounds like Duchess Kate is actually the Gretchen to Duchess Meghan’s Regina.
Samantha Markle better update the address of the half-sister who’d rather wear a coat that doesn’t sell out immediately than talk to her, because the next time she brings the paparazzi along to try to get into Kensington Palace, shit is going to look extra embarrassing for her since Meghan won’t be living there anymore. Just a month after it was announced that Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William are breaking up their offices at Kensington Palace, we learned that PHG and Meghan won’t be P. Willy and Duchess Kate’s neighbors anymore since they’re moving off to a quaint, little 10-bedroom cottage in the suburbs early next year. This is very good news for Prince George, because his delicate royal ears will no longer constantly be punched with the irritating sound of Meghan’s faux English accent, and he can turn his uncle’s old place into a giant closet for all his Mary Janes.