We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
The Sunday Express has never lied to us (and by that I mean that the one time I posted a story from The Sunday Express, it turned out to be filled with LIES), so I don’t know what to believe anymore. They said months ago that Prince Hot Ginge’s full-time piece Meghan Markle had met up with Prince William and Duchess Kate and they both liked her. But now UsWeekly and The Sun are saying that Future Princess Meghan barely met Duchess Kate for the very first time last Tuesday. WHO TO BELIEVE? I won’t believe that Duchess Kate and Meghan Markle met for real until I see paparazzi pictures of Kate seeing if Meghan is ready for the job of a professional British royal by analyzing her hand-waving skills.
Everyone better put their pocketbooks in a prayer circle because a treasonous cold is still messing with THE QUEEN (exact medical term for THE QUEEN’s cold: acute viral morrisseyngitis) and she had to sit out of Christmas Day church service for the first time in decades.
So because his 90-year-old great-grandmum wasn’t there to make fun of Duchess Camilla’s tragic hat and ensemble with him, Prince George was probably extra bored. Proof of Prince George’s boredom: that picture above of him having to entertain himself with the candy of the peasants as everyone around him nervously tries to figure out ways to amuse him before he sends them all to the gallows!
The British royal family all got into their best Christmastime Downton Abbey cosplay today to do their annual pap walk into and out of St. Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire. The Middletons, including Pippa and her banker betrothed, were also there. Prince Hot Ginge disappointed me today, because he did not bring his girlfriend Meghan Markle, who I was hoping would show Duchess Kate up by wearing an amazingly elegant body bow, and he also didn’t put that ginger beard to good use by dressing up as Kris Kringle.
But well, at least we have Prince George throwing “your future king is not amused’ eyes while working a sharp-as-shit A-line coat, knee socks and little loafers.
Happy Whatever Your Ass Celebrates, everyone! May you spend your holiday sucking on a candy cane while judging everyone around you!
Oh Photoshop, my dear old friend, you and I will probably have some inappropriate fun with that pic today.
Meghan Markle was visiting her royal man Prince Hot Ginge at Kensington Palace in London last week, and so some thought that maybe, just maybe, they’d cause us hard-up Harry Whores to break the ear drums of dogs with our high-pitched wails of pain by going public. The media thought that PHG and Future Princess Meghan was going to make their official debut at a rugby game at Twickenham Stadium in London on Saturday. But sitting next to PHG during the match between England and South Africa was Princess Charlene of Monaco, who looked like a discount Caroline Herrera impersonator (and that’s a compliment).
Back in September, Duchess Kate and Prince William flew to Canada with Prince George and Princess Charlotte for a week of waving (or not), and smiling. I’m sure a rejected Justin Trudeau didn’t forget. Vice decided to find out how much the royals’ hoser getaway cost the taxpayers of Canada. As it turns out, it cost a lot of money.
Duchess Breck Girl and Prince Baldy’s week-long tour through British Columbia ended over the weekend, and Prince George was obviously as thrilled to bid “bye, bitch” to his Canadian subjects as he was to greet them. There are only 4 things listed in the job description of a British royal and they are: smile, wave, always dress like you’re stuck in a “perfect family portrait” that comes with the frame and piss off Morrissey any chance you get. Prince George either got THE QUEEN to scratch off “smile and wave” on his contract or he can’t be bothered to care. I’m going with the second one.