Let’s for a moment take a look at that little fancy purple stamp that reads “All About Archie!” and appreciate that it totally sounds like a Tony award winner for Best Revival of a Musical. I can practically hear Sutton Foster belting out the title song. But it really has been all about Master Archie Mountbatten-Windsor ever since the latest royal baby popped into this world last week. He’s got his first People magazine cover, and he’s been visited by his auntie and uncle, the future King and Queen Consort of England. Not bad for a totally normal, ordinary, run-of-the-mill kid.
Yesterday, when the internet filled to the top with nerd cream as all you damn nerds busted thousands of nerd nuts over the latest Game of Thrones episode and the Avengers: PleaseEndAlready, I put on my scuba mask while wading in the ocean of nerd jizz, and prayed that Duchess Meghan would continue to be the REBEL ROYAL by going into labor and streaming the birth of her baby live on Instagram. Maybe that would stop the non-stop chunky stream of GoT and Avengers talk (it wouldn’t have).
But it looks like my newest arch rival (because that baby gets to call Prince Hot Ginge “daddy“) still hasn’t exited Meghan’s womb and entered a life of royal luxury. Prince Hot Ginge was at the London Marathon yesterday, and so his baby wasn’t born yesterday, but that lucky bundle of freckliness is coming any day now. Just don’t ask Prince William when the kid is coming, because he’ll play dumb. What good is he?!
Above is a pic from Easter service yesterday of Duchess Kate laughing at something that leaped out of Prince Hot Ginge’s mouth, and if you believe the reports, he’s saying to her, “Bitch, I see you got your nasty slut of a man covering his dick so it won’t wander into the pussy of one of your friends again!”, while she laughs like, “Bitch, shouldn’t you be at home helping your wife pack her ugly clothes since we’re about to banish both of your asses from OUR kingdom!”
There were reports that PHG and Prince William still hate each other, and didn’t speak at all during Easter service (Duchess Meghan wasn’t there since she’s due to birth out the royal ginger baby any day now). That may have been because Prince William and his minions are reportedly working on a plan to send PHG and Duchess Meghan far, far away because he’s jealous of their fame.
Go ahead and hit play on this before you proceed (you can thank/curse me later). In case you haven’t waited in line at a grocery store of late and have not seen the earth shattering news printed on the front page of People Magazine that Prince Harry and Prince William’s households will be torn asunder, then let me break it to you gently. You see, even when two princes love each other very much, they sometimes need a little space to do their own thing and become their own people. The time has come to William and Harry to see other people naked. We, well to be exact, People, call this a ROYAL RIFT.
Prince Williams’ Lawyers Are Trying To Stop The Rumor That He Had An Affair With Duchess Kate’s Best Friend
Hey pathetic commoners, hold on to your fascinator, clutch those pearls, and clench the ruby butt plug! What started as a little royal spat between Duchess Kate and her (former) bff, Rose Hanbury, has morphed into a full blown royal mess that the royal lawyers have to try to clean up.
We all remember the dramatic rumor about how Duchess Meghan, who was just Meghan Markle then, threw a fit over not being able to wear the tiara of her choice on her wedding day. Meghan was apparently such a Bridezilla-approved disaster that THE QUEEN had to pull Prince Hot Ginge to the side and let him know to check his bitch. Yes, those were THE QUEEN’s exact words. The Sun claimed today that because of that little incident and how Duchess Meghan has reportedly been treating the staff, THE QUEEN sent her a Zales charge card application since she’d need to buy her own diamonds now that she’s banned from wearing Princess Diana’s pieces from the Royal Collection. But other sources claim that the British tabloids are just being bitchy liars.