Advance apologies to our British readers, but I don’t know who any of your “celebrities” are unless they are Dames, Sirs, Katie Price or Idris Elba. I may have no idea who Rita Ora is, but ya’ll sure do know how to put the “F” in Fashion (if the F stands for “fuck is this?”). The Brit Awards, Britain’s equivalent to The Grammys, were last night and apparently, the theme for the red carpet was “Party at Party City“. There were enough pinatas, clown suits, vinyl tablecloths, crepe paper ruffles, and discounted Halloween costumes on display to stock every single party store in Britain for the next millennium. Above is noted (somewhere) fabric sculptor and designer Daniel Lismore, who’s ready to serve as the punch bowl at your next Luau/Red Wedding themed get-together.
The Grammys red carpet always looks like an intergalactic space orgy sprinkled with a bunch of random rappers who just rolled out of bed with barely enough time to grab their grill from the bedside table thrown in for good measure. Every year, it’s a mess. Plus you’ve always got legitimate superstars mixed in with a whole lot whosits and whateverhappenedtos. This year’s Grammy red carpet was no exception. I’m trying to sift through some of these looks, and honestly don’t know where to begin.
Do I need to write anything more? Simply seeing that Lindsay Lohan was present in attendance should be all the evidence you need that the MTV European Music Awards were a very high-end event. The MTV EMAs were held last night in Spain, and it’s got to be a big, important night if it’s able to drag Lindsay Lohan away from her various Greek beach clubs. But of course Lindsay was there. You can’t think of the word Europe without thinking of Lindsay Lohan. That’s because she’s tried on pretty much every accent found in Europe at one time or another. As for her dress, she looks like a Eurodisco groupie named Svetlana who can’t stay long, because she’s got to pick up her pet serval from DJ Lazer Anus (they share custody).
The American Music Awards doesn’t have the respectability of the Grammys or the pizazz of the MTV VMAs, but it’s got…well, it’s got a pointy award and people that show up, and that’s all you really need for a music award show. As such, guests still put in some effort for the red carpet. Post Malone’s hair is still a mess and he’s got those “Yes I’ve been slowly picking off my Shellac manicure” nails, but he also came through with a bedazzled belt buckle and nudie suit made by Union Western Clothing featuring his initials and several snakes. I guess he didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift had the whole snake thing locked down last night. Oh well, it still pulled his whole look together. That is, if he was going for a look that tells people he’s a very successful businessman who sells snakes at an Alabama swap meet.
The Billboard Music Awards were last night and if the red carpet is any indication, it lived up to it’s name because most stars looked as bored as can be. With very few exceptions, most of the night’s looks were uninspired and devoid of whimsy. Nick Jonas (above) looks like he just showed up for his shift at Applebees and still needs to go get his flair from his locker and take a quick shot at the bar before getting started. He’ll be with you in a minute, ok?
If pop music was a high school…HAHAHA, I know, I know…if. Lemme start over: because pop music is a high school, there are clear cliques involved. Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are obviously two captains of the cheerleading squad and dance team and spend most of their days dropping anonymous hate mail in each other’s trapper keepers. Pretty much every pop starlet after them can be placed under one or the other, apart from Madonna, and that’s just because she’s too busy at the liquor store buying them booze since they both got busted for fake IDs. Dua Lipa seems like the chick who doesn’t have time for petty white girl nonsense, so she’s just getting high beyond the field house. Naturally, there’s no room for Switzerlands in this game, and she learned the hard way what it’s like to be vaulted and then slammed to the ground by Taylor’s legion. Continue reading