Category: Drunks

Stephanie Seymour Is Off To Rehab

February 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Ah, the back seat of a car driven by somebody else. Probably should have picked this option the night I was busted for a DUI.

Last month, the secretary of Versace’s 90s supermodel squad Stephanie Seymour was busted for a DUI in Greenwich, Connecticut after she threw her Range Rover in reverse at a stop sign on an off-ramp and backed into another car. The driver of the car wasn’t injured, but for some reason – drunk, probably – she decided to double down on shit decisions by refusing to take a sobriety test when the police showed up. I’ve never been arrested for being a drunk mess in my car, so I didn’t know if what Stephanie did was bad or bad-bad (like clear your schedule for the next 4 to 6 months bad), but it appears it was just bad.

Stephanie was in court today to deal with that DUI situation, and the NY Daily News says she won’t be doing any time because her attorney asked for a trip to rehab instead. This was Stephanie’s first DUI, and apparently rehab is pretty common for a first offender. Stephanie didn’t say anything during her arraignment, but her attorney told the judge he doesn’t believe his client has a booze problem and that she’s been on her best behavior since her DUI.

No word on where she’s going, but we do know that Stephanie will still be allowed to drive while she completes the program. She’s due back in court on April 4th to give the judge an update on her progress.

I still have no idea how someone like Stephanie gets a DUI. For example, please take a look at what she wore to court today. In what world does a woman who is married to a billionaire and owns a pair of black leather long gloves and a rich bitch cape-coat not have a full-time driver named Jeeves? Stephanie, you cannot own gloves like that and be driving yourself around.

Pics: Splash

Drunktina Strikes Again!

December 15, 2015 / Posted by:

So you’re at Seth MacFarlane’s extra fancy Christmas party in Beverly Hills and to the right of you is Bill Maher and on stage is Meghan Trainor singing. How do you handle all that insufferableness? Well, any reasonable person would dunk their head in the spiked punch bowl and guzzle until it’s empty and you’re seven kinds of wasted. That’s what Page Six says that Xtina did. Although, Xtina probably does that every night of the week.

Xtina recently yodeled out a duet with Seth McFarlane at a Frank Sinatra tribute in NYC so he invited her to his annual Christmas party at his house. When you invite Drunktina to one of your parties, you should know that there’s a really good chance she’s going to pass out on your bed (see: Jeremy Renner’s party), display “questionable” behavior (see: Mimi’s party) and/or leave permanent red lip paint stains on your walls when her drunk ass bumps into them.

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The Time A Drunken Taylor Swift Couldn’t Stop Petting The Weeknd’s Hair

October 22, 2015 / Posted by:

The pineapple mullet hair on top of the head of The Weeknd (government name: Abel Makkonen Tesfaye) is apparently Internet famous and there’s Tumblr’s devoted to it and shit. During an interview with Rolling Stone, The Weeknd (Side note: My spell check just loves his stage name.) explained that four years ago, he decided to let his hair grow however it wants to grow and he’ll only cut it if it gets in his eyes. That led to him telling a weird story about his most bizarre encounter with a celebrity and of course that celebrity was Taylor Swift.

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Justin Bieber’s Friends Say Justin Bieber Is Totally Sober

October 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Despite the fact that he spent most of a recent concert in New Zealand chugging booze straight from the bottle and sucking back joints (or as he calls them, grown-up juice and silly daddy cigarettes), Justin Bieber – seen above shotgunning a beer in an Instagram video posted three weeks ago – is sober. Or at least that’s what Justin’s famous friends would like you to think.

TMZ says the humanoid tied-off Spring Break condom known as Riff Raff came to Justin’s defense by claiming that Justin isn’t the out-of-control toddler he sometimes appears to be. According to Riff Raff, he and Diplo were hanging out with Justin last week at a recording studio in Hollywood and he was too busy polishing his halo to engage in any bad boy behavior with them. Riff Raff says he and Diplo were “fucked up“, but that Justin was just saying NO to all that shit. They later decided to go to a club, and Riff Raff says Justin was sober the whole time.

When asked about the footage of him acting like Lampwick at Pleasure Island in New Zealand last week, Riff Raff says he may have fallen off the Little Tykes wagon, but added that it was probably just a one-time thing.

Okay, first of all, how in the world would Riff Raff and Diplo even know if someone is sober? Diplo is too busy nervously looking over his shoulders for Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie soldiers and starting shit with tweens on Twitter to notice if Justin slipped some hooch into his sippy cup. And Riff Raff – I mean, would Riff Raff even be able to recognize what “sober” is? Riff Raff’s sober is a regular person’s messy as fuck (or a Lohan’s buzzed).

Maybe TMZ should have asked Riff Raff to be more specific. He never said what they were “fucked up” on. “I was snorting lines of osteoporosis pills cut with Scrubbing Bubbles, but I swear Justin didn’t touch any of it.

Here’s the poster boy of sobriety climbing a boat in Australia last week. Yeah, that’s totally something a not-high person does.

Pics: Instagram, Splash/INF

Jessica Simpson Was Probably Drinking On The Job Last Night

September 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Drinking on the job? Millionaire fashion MOGULS are just like us!

I watch a lot of HSN and QVC, because they’re always selling pure, potent comedy for just 4 easy payments of zero dollars. It’s free laughs! I figure that some of them involved are either on pills, the sweet nectar, the good shit, the bad shit or all of the above, because some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths is unleaded WTF fuel and you’d have to be on something to sell that shit. Well, everyone’s favorite queef-brained fashion mogul was on HSN last night where she added more gold bars to her billion-dollar empire by selling crap from her fashion line. I hate myself for not knowing that she was on, because people who watched say that she was a mess from beginning to end. So far, there seems to be only one 30-second clip making the rounds and I’m not really getting “plastered” from this, but I am getting the Xanax rambles mixed with a few cups of red wine. Doctors call that a stage 2 Mariah Carey.

That doesn’t even come close to the Valium-induced train wreck of slurring messiness that Paula Abdul once served up on QVC. But if Jessica named those jeans herself, then all of the interventionists from Intervention need to drag her into rehab now. Because naming a pair of jeans “Kiss Me” jeans is a loud cry for help!

And here’s Messica and whatshisname at the airport a few days ago.

Pics: Splash

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Kate Moss Allegedly Got Kicked Off Of An easyJet Flight For Being A Drunken Mess

June 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Passengers on an easyJet flight that landed at London Luton airport overdosed on potent amounts of elegance, class and gentility yesterday when they watched a 41-year-old supermodel call the pilot a “basic bitch” as her drunk ass was dragged off of the plane for screaming about wanting a damn drink and pouring herself her own drink from a bottle of vodka she had in her luggage. One passenger was overheard saying, “It’s like I’m in an episode of Downton Fucking Abbey,” while watching Kate Moss bust into a vodka rage before getting kicked off of a budget airline.

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