Drunk Twatting The Oscars!

That Oscar statue is not doing a good job of hiding the intense jealousy and contempt he feels towards Valentino. Oscar spends several painful minutes getting dipped in piping hot liquid gold and Valentino’s pores just naturally secrete precious metals on their own. Stay jealous, OSCAR! So, it is that time of year when we all spend the next 3 hours (give or take, 100 hours) watching beaded and diamond-encrusted hos read from a teleprompter and thank whoever for making this LIFE CHANGING MOMENT happen…blah..blah.

You know, next year, they should all get in their fancy clothes, sit in their fancy seats and then watch a giant screen in front of them that shows us getting WASTED while watching them. We’d all have a better time, I’m sure. Speaking of slurring like the king before Best Actor is announced, I was going to come up with a drinking game for tonight but let’s be real… The true drinking game is boozing until your liquor cabinet yells CUT or until the bartender puts a cup of Sanka in front of you.

For the next 56 million hours, I’ll be live Twatting this bitch. You can follow me over there or on the little widget thing below. Or you can do neither and go to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts to watch the homeless drunks fall asleep in their booths (take me with you). If you do the latter, make sure you kick at me at the end of the night to make sure I haven’t overdosed on Natalie Portman’s laugh or James Franco’s artistry.

If I survive tonight, there will be a complete rundown tomorrow. We’re off!

Drunkblogging: The 15-Hour Long Oscaaaaaah Awards!

Thanks to the sweet nectar I’m already winking and smiling like Mickey Rooney next to a pair of young chichis. So if you don’t have drunk spots on your forehead yet, DRINK UP because it’s going to be a long ass night. Get your drinkin’ wig, the drunk liveblog is below:

Drunkblogging: The Golden Chichis

Grab the Boone’s Farm and fill up your bong, because it’s once again time for the Golden Globe Awards. And just like every year, we’re all in this together! When you start to reach for the noose because you just can’t take it anymore, I’ll pull your head back and drop Jagerbomb in your mouth! Because that’s what I’m here for. Although, I can’t promise that my TV won’t “accidentally” switch to HSN halfway through which will force me to start liveblogging that instead.

My only hope for tonight is that if Carey Mulligan is announced as the winner for Best Actress, Mimi Carey’s drunk ass hears her name instead and stumbles on stage to accept the award. Close your eyes, kiss a bottle of Andre and make a wish that this happen.

The drunkblog is beeeelow. It starts at 8pm EST (Escandalo Slut Time):

Happy New Year!

Can you believe the decade is already over? It seems like it was just yesterday that we were all boozing, bonging and blowjobbing in 2000. And now we’re going to be boozing, bonging and blowjobbing in 2010! CRAZY! Time flies when you’re a drunken whore.

Anyway, I want to wish all of you a very Happy New Year! And if you’ve already banged in the new year, I want to wish you good luck, because I’m sure your drunk ass is doing one of the following right now: a) trying to protect your asshole in jail b) trying to break into your local free clinic to get a hold of a morning-after pill or c) trying to find a church that is still open so that you can cleanse your sin-covered skin in a bowl of holy water.

And I also want to thank you for joining me during this year full of fuckery. When I dry heaved, you dry heaved right next to me. When I slapped my nipples and pinched my taint, you slapped your nipples and pinched your taint right next to me. When I worshiped at the feet of Chicken Cutlets, you logged off and called Bellevue. We did it together. And hopefully, we’ll do it all over again next year.

Speaking of Chicken Cutlets, here she is to wish all of you a frecklelicious 2010! Now log off and call Bellevue. I’ll be waiting with a Straitjacket Snuggie on. Happy New Year!

Happy Thanksgiving!

My kitchen smells like burnt bread and that “Thank You India” song by Alanis Morrissette is playing on repeat in my head, so that must mean it’s Thanksgiving times! Or as my mom says after she’s had a few glasses of Andre, Tanksgiven! For those of you who don’t celebrate it, Happy Booze Until You Barf Out All Your Internal Organs Day (aka every single day of the week)!

And there really is a lot I’m thankful for this year. A zillion things like silver, foxes, mothers, frosting, the circus, animals, cookies, Sharpies, lucite, heels, ginges, abuelitas, keyboards, cats, moons, chicken, cutlets and of course, all of you hos who continue to read my mostly incoherent crazy rants and put up with my annoying obsessions with everything I just listed. So, tank you. Oh, and in case you didn’t figure it out, that last picture is an artist’s rendering of you.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Drunkblogging: The MTV VD Awards

If your tongue will not be permanently attached to the TV screen for the True Blood season finale tonight, then grab a bong, bottle or both and suffer with me through the MTV VDAs. Hopefully, Courtney Love woke up from her daily coma and will attack everyone with a compact. EVERYONE. The drunkbonging fun starts at 9pm EST in the magical window below: