Why Didn’t He Just Fly Away?

January 27, 2010 / Posted by:

Adrian Pasdar, who has been killed off a million times on Heroes, was arrested early this morning in Los Angeles after he was caught driving while the sweet nectar ran through his veins.

TMZ reports that cops pulled over Adrian on the 405 freeway after they spotted him swerving between lanes. Adrian was apparently going 90mph at the time. When the cops shuffled up to Adrian’s car, they said he smelled like he had just made out with The Hoff.

Adrian, who is married to Natalie of the Dixie Chicks, said no a Breathalyzer test, so the judge set his bail at $15,000.

To be fair, I’d drink too if I worked with Hayden Panatroll for four years straight, but this is why liquor stores were invented. Pick up some take-out-booze and get DRUNK in the comfort of your own La-Z-Boy.

And all of you better take off your “Vote for Petrelli” button pin (I know what you’re wearing one) and stick it in a drawer for the day.

On The Next Episode Of Semi-Homemade Cooking With Sandra Lee…..

November 25, 2009 / Posted by:

Earlier, I posted a blind item about a celebrity who loves to spike their Thanksgiving dishes with shit that makes you see hundreds of twinkly stars around you. Well, this right here should be one of their main attractions. And it’s legal!

O’Casey’s Tavern in NYC is bringing all the drunks to their bar by serving 100 proof turkey on Thanksgiving. The bar’s owner Paul Hurley says it has taken him three days and several bottles of fruit flavored vodka to get the turkey ready for its final cooking. Isn’t that nice of Paul to get that bird boozed up before throwing it in the oven?

Paul said a serving of his vodka turkey won’t get you drunk, but it might leave you humming.

Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow, I don’t have time to whip this drunk bird up. So I guess I’ll just do the next best thing by serving a few dozen bottles of vodka and a pack of Oscar Mayer sliced turkey.

The Hoff Got Drunk Again…And You Know What that Means

September 21, 2009 / Posted by:

An ambulance was called to The Hoff’s Encino home yesterday afternoon, because his daughter suspected he had the drunks in a seriously dangerous way. TMZ reports that The Hoff’s 17-year-old daughter Hailey called her mother Pamela telling her that he was boozed up like you at 2-for-1 happy hour (times a million). One of Pamela’s friends immediately called 911 and the paramedics showed up to take The Hoff’s liquored up ass off to the hospital to dry out.

The Hoff was supposed to be released back into the wild last night. His reps wouldn’t comment.

According to Radar, this is the fifth time in just a few years that The Hoff had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The Hoff’s reps have denied this over and over again.

How many “hamburger” moments is The Hoff going to have before he says no to the bottle? The Hoff needs to clean it up a bit, because the entire country of Germany is counting on him! If anything ever happened to The Hoff, Germany would put up a “CLOSED” sign and fall off the map. And can you imagine how much fuckery we’d miss out on if Germany shut down? The Hoff needs to do it for Germany!


The Man In The Tree Stump

July 6, 2009 / Posted by:

The City of Stockton, CA needs to bottle their own water and sell it at bars across the world (preferably one near me), because it’s obviously some potent shit! It’s got hos seeing things with their own eyes! You see, a neighborhood in Stockton believes that the image of Michael Jackson is on that tree stump. They need more people.

The dude who owns the tree said Michael’s image suddenly appeared on the tree stump the day he passed away. That weekend, crowds began to gather around the stump. One neighbor said, “Michael Jackson was an icon to us. To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they’re both about even.

Michael visited Stockton 20 years ago after a school shooting.

Raise your hand if see Michael on that tree stump. If you’re raising your hand, then I’m guessing a bong is in the other. Or your fifth cocktail of the day. I squinted my eyes and even look at this upside down. I still don’t see Michael Jackson! I kind of see an evil bunny rabbit with abnormally long whiskers and no ears, but I don’t see MJ.

Source VIA The Awl

Joyce DeWitt Is In The News!

July 6, 2009 / Posted by:

Every morning I wake up hoping that there is some kind of news about Janet Wood! My wish was granted today, but unfortunately it’s not good news. TMZ says that Joyce DeWitt had too many of those fizzy delicious drinks with umbrellas in them before getting behind the wheel of a car in El Segundo, CA on July 4th.

Joyce basically held up giant flag with the words “I IZ DRUNKS” written on it when she drove right through a police barricade! Not the brightest thing to do if you’re driving under the influence of the sweet nectar. Bitch pulled a Chrissy Snow!

The po po smelled her drunk bref, gave her a few sobriety tests, arrested her ass for DUI and set her bail for $5,000. Come and knock on her cell door (but only between the hours of 1pm and 5pm Monday through Friday)…. Sorry, it was right there and I had to take it.

UPDATE: I’ve added Joyce’s beautiful mess of a mug shot. I think Janet was trying to recreate Phil Spector’s legendary mug shot. The eyes have it!

It’s Not A Party Until Someone Ends Up In The Emergency Room

June 15, 2009 / Posted by:

Sometimes when you’re out boozing, one cocktail leads to another, which leads to a dozen more, which leads to you needing to go to the emergency room. You can’t say you’ve really partied until you’ve walked out of an ER with dried up vomit all over your clothes and one less vital organ in your body. This is what happened to John Mayer’s friend, Rob from MTV’s Rob & Big, this past Saturday in L.A. That’s what you get when you mix douchewater and Henny.

John had to drag Rob out of club MyHouse and shuttle his ass to the emergency room, because dude got the drunks in a serious way. A few hours later, John announced on his Twatter that Rob was going to live: In triage at Cedars with @robdyrdek. When the contents of his stomach hit that silicon bag and we all saw it, we just broke into appluse.”

Appluse is douchetardian for “applause.” In case you were wondering.

John is really a true friend for taking his drunk as fuck friend to the emergency room and then clapping when Rob’s Alize and ribs-scented barf hit the bag. That’s what any good friend would do, but not every good drunk would agree to go. The last time a friend wanted to make to the hospital, I responded with, “Fuck that! I don’t have insurance, bitch! Take me to McDonald’s instead.” Eating a Filet-O-Fish while suffering from the drunk dry heaves is the quickest way to induce vomiting. Tried and tested. Trust this!

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