Recently a passenger on EgyptAir flipped open their in-flight magazine and saw something almost as questionable as a fake mounted squirrel torso from SkyMall. They got an “interview” with Drew Barrymore that clearly wasn’t conducted with Drew Barrymore.
If you see Drew Barrymore at a party getting tipsy on wine (she has her own brand and everything), by all means, toast to her continued good health and prosperity, but don’t ask her if she wants to go to the bathroom and do a couple of rails of cocaine. The mere thought of coke, is like, her worst nightmare now. Drew appeared on Norm McDonald Has A Show (how about Show Me A White Dude Who Doesn’t) and talked about her epic drug abuse which was chronicled in her 1990 masterpiece Little Girl Lost.
During a game of Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts on Wednesday night’s episode of The Late Late Show with James Corden, Drew Barrymore was faced with the lose-lose decision of ranking the talent of three past co-stars or eating turkey nuts. Drew is a vegetarian, so she avoided eating those balls by saying that Jake Gyllenhaal – her co-star in Donnie Darko – was the least talented out of a group that included Adam Sandler and Hugh Grant. But Drew isn’t a completely cold-hearted Gyllenhaater. Last night she extended an olive branch to Jake by showing up to the second season premiere of Netflix’s Santa Clarita Diet with a sign professing her love for him.
She also told Entertainment Tonight her answer was based solely on the fact that she didn’t want to scarf down those turkey balls.
“It was all fun and games and then every headline today was like, ‘Drew Barrymore says Jake Gyllenhaal’s the least talented actor she’s ever worked with.’ And I was like, no! Nobody reads the fine print, so I don’t even need to talk about it. All you need to know is this.”
But we haven’t heard from the talentless hack himself, Jake Gyllenhaal. He probably had one of two reactions: he doesn’t give a turkey’s left nut about any of this, or (and the most likely option) he’s extremely hurt, and has been trying to write Drew a letter about his feelings, but the ink keeps getting blurred by his tears. Really Drew, Jake deserves more than just a crummy half-assed sign. That sign was YARD SALE-quality at best. She better get working on a billboard, and please – give it some pizazz this time.
Open Post: Hosted By Drew Barrymore Saying That Jake Gyllenhaal Is The Least Talented Actor She’s Worked With
Drew Barrymore has been on a roll lately. First, Drew Barrymore proclaimed her allegiance to Lucifer by whoring herself out in a soul-melting musical ad for his most evil creation CROCS. And now Drew Barrymore is saying that out of Adam Sandler, Hugh Grant and Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake is her least talented co-star and Adam is her most talented. I guess Drew’s show Santa Clarita Diet isn’t totally fake, because it seems like she’s been bitten by a zombie in real life and it’s fucking with her brains.
Drew Barrymore was in one of the greatest movies ever made, Poison Ivy, and also in one of the greatest TV shows that existed, 2000 Malibu Road, so I used to think that she could really do no wrong. But that thought about Drew was torched from my brain as soon as I learned that not only did she sell her soul to the devil by signing a deal with CROCS (or “Crocth” as she probably calls them), but she also warble lisped out a song in a commercial for them. Oh, Drew, you know that there’s less offensive ways to come out as a Satan worshiper, like sacrificing a goat in the middle of a pentagram painted with blood. WHY, DREW, WHY? A check just ain’t a check if it comes from CROCS. It’s also a vow to spread the message of Satan throughout the land!
The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.