The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.
Emma Stone really didn’t have much to say about that junior prom princess dress when she reached Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet of the Golden Globes last night. The face she’s making in that picture above kind of says all that needs to be said, really. It’s very “Please direct all Worst Dressed lists to my stylist.”
Less than three weeks after she walked down to the courthouse and slipped some divorce papers in the slot marked “DEAD MARRIAGES” (that’s how it works, right?), Drew Barrymore is officially divorced from her third husband Will Kopelman. Page Six says their divorce was finalized in Manhattan. It was an uncontested divorce, which means there was no messy fight over money or custody of their two children, Olive and Frankie. A source says that’s exactly how Drew and Will wanted it.
Lispy wonder Drew Barrymore pulled the trigger on her divorce. The New York Daily News (via People) reports that the 41-year-old filed in Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday to nix her marriage to “That Guy” (aka art dealer Will Kopelman, 39). The couple got together in 2011, got married in 2012, and have two daughters, Olive, 3, and Frankie, 2.
It’s Drew’s third time visiting the divorce ranch but, in her defense, this one seemed pretty solid. Comparatively, she was married to her first husband for basically an afternoon. Her novelty marriage to Tom Green ended after a year and change, just as his cameo in Charlie’s Angels hit the screen. Oddly (for Hollywood), the proceedings look like they’re going to be drama-free. Drew scrawled “uncontested” in the space that asks “Will you two be gnawing on each other’s jugular veins like creatures that escaped from a secret government laboratory?” on the form.
The couple released a joint statement to People back in April that’s kind of eloquent and makes me sad for them. I know they’re probably sobbing on enormous bags of money, but the ultra-rich have the feelings, too!
“Sadly our family is separating legally, although we do not feel this takes away from us being a family,” they said. “Divorce might make one feel like a failure, but eventually you start to find grace in the idea that life goes on.”
Wistful. They also added that their daughters would be their priority for “the rest of their lives.”
It’s depressing for us as a people that the general lack of crazy comes off as refreshing. I know, I’m very naive. Next week he’ll be grabbing at that Gertie from E.T. money, and she’ll send her current boyfriend to beat his ass in the driveway as retaliation.
Drew Barrymore’s first marriage to bar owner Jeremy Thomas happened when she was just 19 years old and was thrown a shallow grave two months later. Drew’s second (and weirdest) marriage to Tom Green lasted a bit longer than her first, but not much. That marriage was also thrown into a shallow grave after five months. Well, Drew’s third marriage has lasted more than five times longer than her first two marriages combined, but now that shit is also over. I called Drew’s soon-to-be third ex-husband “that guy” in my headline, because I always confuse him with WhatHisName who’s married to Jessica Simpson. I know, all non-famous husbands of blond famous types look the same to me!
Page Six says that 41-year-old Drew and her 38-year-old husband of three years, Will Kopelman, have split and one of them will file for divorce soon. When they do, I’m sure they’ll use the Hollywood Queen of Celebrity Divorces Laura Wasser, because Laura Wasser did say that March was going to be a big month for celebrity divorces and March was only a second away. Drew hasn’t confirmed this yet, but a source says that their marriage is done for real and it’s been heading there for a minute.
“They’ve been having some difficulties, but they remain close for the sake of their kids,” one source told Page Six of the actress, 41, and Kopelman, 38, who is the wealthy son of former Chanel CEO Arie Kopelman.
Another source added, “Drew had a very rebellious and wild childhood, with no family around her, and while she is a very different person now, and a great mother, some of that can stay with you.”
Drew and Will have two daughters: 3-year-old Olive and almost-2 -year-old Frankie. Drew recently got their names inked into her wrist skin.
That last quote from the second source is a little strange. What does it mean? I’m going to take it to mean that Drew still has a bit of wild in her and Will ended things after catching her bumping pussies with the nanny on top of the kitchen island. I mean, this is a celebrity divorce. A nanny has to be involved. It’s a law of life!
Martha Stewart could teach a master class on not giving a single fuck. Martha will drag a bitch-ass trick who tries to come for her artisanal oven-roasted crown, she keeps the bathroom door open while she pisses, and now we know that she definitely doesn’t fuck with people getting in the way while she prepares a delicious autumnal sangria. Martha Stewart showed up on Ellen on Friday to pimp out her new book Appetizers, and of course she made some appetizers. She also made everyone in the audience want to reach for a warm blanket after she dropped the temperature in the studio to below freezing while icing out Drew Barrymore.
For some reason, Martha was only feeling Ellen DeGeneres. As you can see above, it’s like they’re at a party at Ellen’s house, and Martha is ratting out Drew for taking a massive crab cake dump and plugging the toilet. She’s like “I’m pretty sure she snatched a few pills from the medicine cabinet too.” You can watch the awkward trainwreck unfold below.
I have watched this video four times, and I honestly cannot tell what the fuck Martha was making because I was too busy watching Drew trying to get Martha’s attention and Martha straight-up ignoring her ass. Drew could have poured that pitcher of sangria over Martha’s head, and she would have kept on going as if nothing had happened.
Finally, after nearly four minutes of playing the Lea Michele to Martha’s Jessica Lange, Drew shrugs and starts drinking. Although I’m sure she could have picked up that giant bowl of popcorn, snuck off backstage to the green room, and returned at the end of the segment. Really, it’s not like Martha would have noticed she was gone.