Category: Dreams Do Come True

This Wreck Of A Union Was Bound To Happen At One Point…

May 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Bella Thorne is Lindsay Lohan’s successor in meth (I meant to type “successor in messiness” but that works too) and Scott Disick is the Brandon Davis of our time (aka a glob of douche discharge that we’d all probably do and live to regret after getting our gonorrhea results from the free clinic), so these two train wrecks were bound to crash into each other. This is probably going to end with Scott calling Bella a “firecrotch” to the paparazzi as whoever is the Parasite Hilton of our time (Hailey Baldwin? The Cash Me Ousside Girl? jiffpom?) cackles behind him.

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Please Tell Me This Means That Hildi Santo-Tomas Will Make Her Triumphant Return To TV!

March 28, 2017 / Posted by:

This morning, when I read the headline, “TLC To Revive Trading Spaces,” I prayed to the gods to please fart some sense into the heads of TLC executives and get them to offer former HSOTD Hildi Santo-Thomas anything she wants to come out of interior design retirement to star in the revival of Trading Spaces. If TLC did that, they’d almost redeem themselves for infecting the world with the Duggars.

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We’re Finally Getting A Movie About The World Of Lisa Frank

January 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Hollywood has temporarily stepped away from butchering your favorite childhood movies with a machete and is planning to make a live-action/animation hybrid masterpiece based on the technicolor work of Lisa Frank. Some may say that Hollywood has officially given up since they’re now making movies about school supplies, but I say that Hollywood has finally started brain-farting up original ideas. A Lisa Frank movie is what we all need and I hope this leads to a riveting and gritty biopic about every child’s first drug pusher Mr. Sketch.

About three years ago, Jezebel did an expose about how the Lisa Frank company may look like a rainbow-coated wonderland of glittery panda queefs on the outside, but on the inside it was a torture chamber of craziness and abuse. Lisa Frank’s husband at the time was the company’s CEO and he was allegedly a real coke-snorting demon. Now THAT is the movie that really should be made, but that may have to wait. The Hollywood Reporter says that this Lisa Frank movie focuses on the raver unicorns and neon dolphins.

Lisa Frank is working with producer Jon Shestack to bring her world to the movie screen. Lisa released this statement about it:

“I have always wanted to do a feature film that brings the world of Lisa Frank to life. We have so much backstory on our characters and they have been alive in my imagination since the beginning.”

There’s no script and there’s no director involved yet, so it’s probably far off from getting a release date. But the second it gets a release date, every dealer who specializes in acid better mark it down in their Lisa Frank planner, because that’s going to be the busiest business day in history.

Pic: Lisa Frank

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News That’ll Make Your Chonies Rip Right Off: New Kids, Paula Abdul And Boyz II Men Are Going On Tour Together

November 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Us old whores better double up on our blood pressure medication, because this news may cause a vessel to burst.

Eight years ago, grown women and gays screamed chunks of their lungs out when New Kids on the Block announced that they were reuniting and going on tour. They’ve been touring ever since and because they still have mortgages to pay off, they’re doing another giant summer tour and this time they’re bringing Paula Abdul and Boyz II Men with them. My little gay self who stood in line at a damn Wherehouse Music to get Paula Abdul concert tickets and then got shut out is commanding my grown gay self to hit the X on this browser tab and immediately go on over to Ticketmaster dot fucking com.

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Lifetime Is Making A Britney Spears Biopic

August 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Someone in Hollywood has finally stepped up and is making a highly-detailed and accurate historical biography about an extremely important American figure and that someone is Lifetime! The Hollywood Reporter says that Lifetime will follow up their Emmy-winning (in my head) biopics of Elizabeth Taylor, Anna Nicole Smith, Whitney Houston, Brittany Murphy, Donatella Versace and Aaliyah with a television masterpiece on the life and times of Brit Brit Spears. Jiffy Pop better come out with a very special Cheetos-flavored popcorn for this momentous occasion, because I’m going to need something to snack on while hate-watching this magnificent disaster.

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An “Auntie Mame” Movie Starring Tilda Swinton May Happen

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

I don’t carry cash, so I when I read the headline “Tilda Swinton Is Your New Auntie Mame,” I grabbed my wallet, pulled out one of my good credit cards, blew it for luck and threw it at the screen. Take my money!

Screenwriter and actress Annie Mumolo is in Bad Moms, and so she did an interview with Vanity Fair to pimp it out. Annie also co-wrote Bridesmaids and she tells Vanity Fair that otherworldly creature Tilda Swinton is a big fan of that movie. Tilda e-mailed Annie and they became pen pals. It’s kind of disappointing knowing that Tilda e-mails like the rest of us regulars. I’d like to think that she writes letters on paper made from the wings of fairies in ink made from the thick jizz of a virile unicorn and sends it via a blue carrier pigeon. But Tilda e-mails, and in one of her e-mails to Annie, she brought up Auntie Mame. That led to Annie agreeing to write a modern-day Auntie Mame movie for Tilda. How do you say “GOD YES” in Venusnese, which is Tilda’s first language.

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