If you’ve pulled every hair out of your body and bit your nails, skin, and finger meat down to the bone and all you’ve got left are some dangling phalanges and a crotch smoother than a Sphynx cat’s asshole, then you’re probably an American who is already following the midterm elections. Or you’re a citizen of the world who was worried about a much more important matter: People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Yeah, definitely the second one.
Last year, People caused the Census Bureau to double check if only one man is alive when they named Blake Shelton as their Sexiest Man Alive 2017. If People named a pair of cum-stained Fruit of the Loom chonies lying on a broken Bud Light bottle in the parking lot of a Dave & Buster’s as their Sexiest Man Alive 2018, it would’ve been an upgrade, but they really went for it by giving the title to crotch seizure-inducing daddy Idris Elba. Finally, the popular vote matters!
When Prince Hot Ginge told Duchess Meghan that they were going to the THI-TURR last night, she must’ve figured they were going to go see Chicago, because she looked like she was ten seconds away from swirling out a Bob Fosse jazz hand while singing, “… the name on everybody’s lips is gonna be MEY-GHAN!” (see: the Roxie Hart shit she wore to the theater in the video after the cut). But they went to see Hamilton instead. The performance was a gala to raise money for PHG’s charity Sentebale, which helps children and young people living with HIV in Lesotho and Botswana. At the end of the show, PHG got onstage to thank everyone and while up there, he crooned out bits of a Hamilton song into a mic. That mic is now pregnant with little ginger mic babies. Those ginger mic babies will be seventh in line to the throne.
It looks like 2018 isn’t turning out to be the complete flaming anal fissure that 2017 was. A jury said “Bye Bitch!” to Bill Cosby, North and South Korea vowed to stop warring, the Golden State Killer was possibly caught, Ryan Murphy made the best decision of his career by casting Joan Collins in the next AHS, the IRS discovered a glitch in my 2016 tax returns and sent me a $16 check, and now we’re learning that ABBA is going to cause ears to jizz out glitter by releasing new music. I’m going to pray that Alexander Skarsgard pops up on my Grindr tonight and messages me with, “Looking?” It can happen! Because if ABBA got back together, anything is possible!
Ryan Murphy Has Somehow Managed To Nab The Biggest Star In The World For The Next “American Horror Story”
Alternate title: Dame Joan Collins To Save “American Horror Story”!!
The following so-called famous people have been in past seasons of American Horror Story: Jessica Lange, Connie Britton, Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, Joseph Fiennes, Sarah Paulson, Matt Bomer, Lady Gaga, James Cromwell, Cuba Gooding Jr., Frances Conroy, Emma Roberts, and Michael Chiklis. But AHS could never say that it was filled with blinding star power until now.
The Hollywood Reporter did a big profile on Ryan Murphy’s $300 million Netflix deal, and he dropped a few little nuggets. He’s thinking of doing a Barbra Streisand/Lady Gaga variety show (no, thank you), he’s contemplating a wellness show (another “no thanks” to GOOP TV), says that American Crime Story: Katrina is still in the works, and that an ACS season of the Monica Lewinsky/Clinton scandal has been canceled. (Ryan doesn’t think it’s his place to tell Monica’s story, and will only do it if she’s a producer and will get money out of it.) Buried in Ryan’s THR profile is a stage 10 bombshell: Dame Joan Collins is going to be in the next season of American Horror Story. THR probably buried the lede, because if they put it in the headline, their site would’ve crashed.
Sarah Jessica Parker should go ahead and add, “Also looking for a neurotic ass ginger who looks good in a business suit,” to the casting ad she’s going to post on Backstage to find a new Samantha, because it doesn’t look like Miranda Hobbes will be available for that third Sex and the City turd that only Carrie and Charlotte want.
As expected, Mrs. Rojo Caliente announced today that she’s going to try to take down Mr. Sandra Lee. Cynthia Nixon is running for Governor of New York against Andrew Cuomo. If you’re a New Yorker and screaming about how you’re sick of famous people running for office when they’ve never really had a job in politics before (see: Antonio Sabato Jr., Stacey Dash, etc…), then I need to tell you that a vote against Cynthia Nixon is a vote against Rojo Caliente becoming First Lady of New York and that is a vote against GOD, pretty much.
We found out last year that the idea of running for the governor of New York has been dancing inside of Cynthia Nixon’s head and that several people have told her to go for it. And in January, Cynthia moved the “rumor” closer to fact when she was asked if she was going to battle it out against the current governor, Mr. Sandra Lee (otherwise known as Andrew Cuomo), for the position of head bitch of New York, and she said, “Maybe.” And now NY1 is hearing that Cynthia is so serious about running that she’s getting her team together. You know, Cynthia Nixon is perfect for the world of politics. She’s used to dealing with petty and catty bitches in overpriced shoes.