Hollywood has temporarily stepped away from butchering your favorite childhood movies with a machete and is planning to make a live-action/animation hybrid masterpiece based on the technicolor work of Lisa Frank. Some may say that Hollywood has officially given up since they’re now making movies about school supplies, but I say that Hollywood has finally started brain-farting up original ideas. A Lisa Frank movie is what we all need and I hope this leads to a riveting and gritty biopic about every child’s first drug pusher Mr. Sketch.
About three years ago, Jezebel did an expose about how the Lisa Frank company may look like a rainbow-coated wonderland of glittery panda queefs on the outside, but on the inside it was a torture chamber of craziness and abuse. Lisa Frank’s husband at the time was the company’s CEO and he was allegedly a real coke-snorting demon. Now THAT is the movie that really should be made, but that may have to wait. The Hollywood Reporter says that this Lisa Frank movie focuses on the raver unicorns and neon dolphins.
Lisa Frank is working with producer Jon Shestack to bring her world to the movie screen. Lisa released this statement about it:
“I have always wanted to do a feature film that brings the world of Lisa Frank to life. We have so much backstory on our characters and they have been alive in my imagination since the beginning.”
There’s no script and there’s no director involved yet, so it’s probably far off from getting a release date. But the second it gets a release date, every dealer who specializes in acid better mark it down in their Lisa Frank planner, because that’s going to be the busiest business day in history.
Pic: Lisa Frank
News That’ll Make Your Chonies Rip Right Off: New Kids, Paula Abdul And Boyz II Men Are Going On Tour Together
Us old whores better double up on our blood pressure medication, because this news may cause a vessel to burst.
Eight years ago, grown women and gays screamed chunks of their lungs out when New Kids on the Block announced that they were reuniting and going on tour. They’ve been touring ever since and because they still have mortgages to pay off, they’re doing another giant summer tour and this time they’re bringing Paula Abdul and Boyz II Men with them. My little gay self who stood in line at a damn Wherehouse Music to get Paula Abdul concert tickets and then got shut out is commanding my grown gay self to hit the X on this browser tab and immediately go on over to Ticketmaster dot fucking com.
Someone in Hollywood has finally stepped up and is making a highly-detailed and accurate historical biography about an extremely important American figure and that someone is Lifetime! The Hollywood Reporter says that Lifetime will follow up their Emmy-winning (in my head) biopics of Elizabeth Taylor, Anna Nicole Smith, Whitney Houston, Brittany Murphy, Donatella Versace and Aaliyah with a television masterpiece on the life and times of Brit Brit Spears. Jiffy Pop better come out with a very special Cheetos-flavored popcorn for this momentous occasion, because I’m going to need something to snack on while hate-watching this magnificent disaster.
I don’t carry cash, so I when I read the headline “Tilda Swinton Is Your New Auntie Mame,” I grabbed my wallet, pulled out one of my good credit cards, blew it for luck and threw it at the screen. Take my money!
Screenwriter and actress Annie Mumolo is in Bad Moms, and so she did an interview with Vanity Fair to pimp it out. Annie also co-wrote Bridesmaids and she tells Vanity Fair that otherworldly creature Tilda Swinton is a big fan of that movie. Tilda e-mailed Annie and they became pen pals. It’s kind of disappointing knowing that Tilda e-mails like the rest of us regulars. I’d like to think that she writes letters on paper made from the wings of fairies in ink made from the thick jizz of a virile unicorn and sends it via a blue carrier pigeon. But Tilda e-mails, and in one of her e-mails to Annie, she brought up Auntie Mame. That led to Annie agreeing to write a modern-day Auntie Mame movie for Tilda. How do you say “GOD YES” in Venusnese, which is Tilda’s first language.
“Picture it, Washington Heights, 2016….”
With so much awful news kneeing us in the face left and right, it’s nice to finally get a warm kiss from a rainbow in the form of happy news. DNAinfo says that Rue McLanahan’s best friend, Michael J. LaRue (Rue and LaRue, they were meant to be), is opening up a Golden Girls-themed cafe as a tribute to her and he’s doing it in the Manhattan neighborhood of Washington Heights. This will be the greatest restaurant to hit Manhattan since Fashion Cafe!
The Rue La Rue Cafe is planning to open this September and it’s of course going to sell cheesecake as well as food that’s tied to characters and situations from the show. Michael, who was the executor of Rue’s estate and the administrator of her will, inherited many of her belongings including memorabilia from the show. He plans to decorate the cafe with Golden Girls memorabilia and he also plans to have live music with help from Rue’s personal piano. He said at a Community Board 12 licensing committee meeting that Rue’s son is his business partner and the Walt Disney Company (who owns the Golden Girls because Mickey Mouse’s evil ass owns everything) has given him the okay to make GG merchandise. He also promises that the last-surviving Golden Girl Betty White will be at the cafe’s ribbon cutting ceremony in September. Michael LaRue said this at the meeting:
“I believe I can turn this place into a mini-tourist [hub] in Washington Heights. I believe the neighborhood is going to support this. I believe the population exists here already.”
My idea of the perfect Golden Girls-themed restaurant is one that’s in Miami, looks like an exact replica of Blanche’s lanai and kitchen, serves only cheesecake made by Coco the gay cook and features a floor show starring GG impersonators acting out the Henny Penny episode. But I’m not going to bitch and moan about how Michael LaRue’s Golden Girls-themed cafe doesn’t sound very Golden Girlsy. This is what we all need now, and I’ll take it! Although, if someone opened up a hot dog cart and called it The Golden Girls Cafe, it’d be my favorite restaurant. I’m as easy as Blanche when it comes to the Golden Girls.
If I I had a working time machine, I’d take it back to 1920s Switzerland to try and get with Hermann Rorshach because he was the kind of hot piece who could make you create an inkblot test in your chonies. Once I escaped after Hermann turned me down and tried to commit me, I’d take my time machine to early 90s Southern California to tell my sad gayby self not to worry, because yeah, one of the greatest shows that ever happened, GLOW (Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling), is over for now, but it’ll be back in a different form in 26 years thanks to some shit called Netflix. My gayby self would probably look at his grown self’s skinny fat body and tired face and immediately scream for our mom to get him a gym membership and industrial-strength moisturizer STAT.
Deadline brings us news that may make you children of the 80s squirt out a stream of glitter-infused excitement. Jenji Kohan, creator and executive producer of Orange is the New Black, will executive produce a 1980s-era comedy series based on GLOW for Netflix.